Hello all,

Life has been a little hectic lately. I'm currently really anxious because I got sued. That's... something. I've never been sued before, so I admit I'm a little terrified, and I don't have a lawyer because this was quite short notice. I got served with the papers last week, and the hearing is scheduled for next week. The papers are legitimate, and I can't dispute the claim, so my options are go to court or settle. I've tried settling, and I have a recorded verbal agreement that the other side has already acted upon, but I haven't gotten any confirmation that the case has been dismissed or settled or whatever.

I think I might just have to show up to the court on the day of the hearing anyways and ask for dismissal on the grounds I have a recording of a verbal contract and they've already acted upon it.

Uh, what else...

December's been a pain as usual. Ever since December 2016, I haven't really had a good one. I didn't make it to MFF this year- last year's experience just wasn't very fun. Every MFF after the artist alley closed, I basically had nothing to do. My friends all already had plans, and I don't dance or fursuit and I don't do great in crowds, so... yeah. I want to go out with people, but I'm low-energy and my friends all crank up to 11 at cons, so I get left behind really quickly. Not fun.

What else...

Work is frustrating. My supervisor has promised us that a raise is coming, but he doesn't know when or how much, and he's already altered the terms of the raise from "Across the board, cost of living increase" to "Contingent on performance", which is leaving all of us feeling like he lied to us- several people were threatening to walk out as a group unless there was a raise because the cost of living in Denver keeps going up.

Supervisor also keeps causing us problems with how he pays for time. Instead of paying for the time we're actually there, he just pays a flat 8 hours. Arrive thirty minutes late and inconvenience everyone else? 8 hours. Stay twenty-seven minutes late to cover for a no-show? 8 hours. We're all pretty sure he's violating state and federal laws since we're hourly workers. We've all collectively stopped staying late to cover for near-daily absences on the grave shift because we know we won't get paid for staying.

And the supervisor keeps jerking us around on benefits, too. Long story short- The company offers a number of benefits, but the supervisor has actually withheld information on many of the benefits from the workers. Example benefit: Tuition reimbursement. He's never mentioned it in the fourteen months he's been there. I found out about that benefit (and others) by accident while browsing the company website.

The supervisor has also not bothered to clue us in on the company's performance incentives, because that would mean he has to do extra paperwork. Nevermind the fact a lack of performance incentives is actively crippling the site because workers are frustrated that good work goes unrecognized and bad work goes unpunished.

Honestly I'm considering getting a new job if things don't turn around soon. I've been at this place for almost two years, but I can't handle how things are going. The supervisor is negligent and neglectful to the point where it's malicious, and that's assuming he isn't doing things on purpose.

Anything else?

Well, in spite of everything that's going on, I've been slowly putting my life back together. I still have anxiety attacks, I still have days where my depression and migraines can make it nearly impossible to function, but those days are getting fewer and further between- when nothing big is happening, of course.

I've been re-writing the stories I've been working on. I know, I've been working on them for almost 2 years, I should have something to show for it. Fact is, I kept hitting blocks because I had brilliant ideas I absolutely had to try to incorporate, and after all this time I've realized that no, those ideas just won't work. So I'm going back and rewriting from scratch with a better idea of my character voices and what kind of story I want to tell, and I think that's good, even if I am not ready to publish yet.

I've been slowly working on my 3D models and my drawing as well. You may have seen a couple of my drawings a couple weeks ago. I don't always feel up to drawing, but I've felt more up to it recently than I have in a while, so hopefully I'll find the time and energy to draw more soon.

Um... Not sure what else to say. Here's hoping that 2020 will be a good year, I guess?

Hey all. 5 AM update here.

Um...not much to say. Haven't drawn anything recently. Been mostly writing or dealing with anxiety. Just sort of stuck here wondering what I can do to improve my life and get my spark back.

Uh...job's going okay-ish. Pretty sure I'm in trouble for not going in to work during a blizzard, but let's be honest: It was a frickin blizzard. I'd be stupid to go in to work. If the government says "Stay home, you could die if you go outside", I'm staying home.

That's all right now.

Hey all. Been a while since I've shown a sign of life, but I'm not dead!

1. I was at MFF! I mostly wandered around and dealt with anxiety attacks, and I spent way too much money. Still, OKAY experience overall. Got a sinus infection, but that's because of the hotel I think. Hotels always give me sinus infections, they don't really clean the rooms that deeply.

2. If you were wondering why you didn't see an Ovni badge at MFF, that's because I went with a different badge this year! Most of 2018 I've been working on a series of fanfics for the Animorphs book series, and I went to MFF with an Andalite badge and a The Gardens hoodie.

3. I will be posting some Andalite-related things at http://www.furaffinity.net/user/Sarifel but don't expect frequent updates. Like I said, most of what I've been doing is writing, not drawing. It's part of this whole reinventing myself thing that has made me feel a lot better.

4. I am working full time nowadays, so my schedule's a little busy. For those not in the know, I'm currently working as a security guard and have been since the start of the year!

5. I deleted my Tumblr account today. There just wasn't a point to keeping it around. I barely used it and I couldn't keep it around, not with the incoming Tumblr ban on having fun. Seriously, wtf Tumblr? Even DeviantArt has a more tolerant mindset!

So um...yeah! Not dead!

Hey guys, status update!

Everyone here is starting to recover from the infections we picked up at the convention.

I'm still a little under the weather, but I'm feeling much better now, so I'll be getting to my art very shortly. I hope to have everything from the con mailed out Wednesday- as you can imagine, the infection set me back a bit.

I apologize guys! I haven't been drawing quite as much as I should have the past couple of days. I've contracted some sort of upper respiratory infection from the large crowd at MFF. It's not the worst I've ever had, but it's up there. I was on the verge of losing my voice yesterday and I feel like I've got a pillow pressed to my face most of the time. The back of my throat is sore and my tonsils are not happy (I'm prone to tonsilitis so I'm watching them very closely at the moment).

I do feel like I'm doing better this evening than I was this morning, but it's hard to tell if that's just your usual "evenings are better" reaction or if I'm genuinely recovering.

I still hope to start getting people their con commissions mailed out on Monday.

Hey guys! I'm home from MFF! It was a greatest convention, very busy (but it was very busy last year too), and there was a lot of walking involved.

Ok so here's sort of a day by day breakdown of some of the things that happened.

Thursday: Arrived around noonish after a flight delay- the 6 AM flight boarded at 9 AM. Started meeting people pretty much as soon as I got there. Saw a registration line a mile long and a pre-registration line even longer. Didn't bother picking up my badge until 9 PM and it still took 50 minutes. I admit, Thursday was a bit boring due to the lack of activities, but the convention hadn't officially "started" yet. Went to Art Jam late and doodled until I felt like I needed to go to bed.

We decided to get Giodorni's (Spellcheck please!) pizza on Thursday Night because there were technically less people at the convention that night, and so the wait for the pizza was slightly shorter.

There seemed to have been an issue with our reservation- the group I went with got two rooms (8 people, so 4 to a room), and we didn't get the rooms we had actually reserved because the website was very slow to update which rooms were sold out or something. I do not know the particulars of what went wrong. In any event, we ended up stuck in 3 person rooms with 4 people each. Very meh, but we made it work.

Friday: Artist Alley! Did not actually get a lot done this day due to a personal issue, unrelated to the convention, which popped up. Still, I was there, I got to meet and greet, and I got a couple things finished for people. Afterwards I milled around for a bit, grabbed a small supper, and started drawing at the white tables over by the bottom of the elevator. I admit, it was a bit too loud for me and I was starting to panic, but I managed to focus on the couple of friends who showed up instead. I'm very grateful to them.

MFF, if you read this, can I please ask that there be an Art Jam room every night from 7 PM to 12 AM? We Artist Alley folks need places to go to work on our art that we're selling in the Alley, and there are never any places in the convention center suitable for that after Artist Alley closes. The white tables area is always super loud, the rotunda has no tables, the downstairs area where the tabletop gaming was set up was too loud, the upstairs area is even louder, and hotel rooms are just notoriously bad for trying to set up an art space in when you have 3 roommates to share them with.

Saturday: Artist Alley again! Surprisingly when I got there, there were very few artists setting up. More trickled in over the next two hours until it filled up, but I suspect a lot of people were just too hung over to wake up at 9 AM.

I got a lot more done this day, and I'm very proud of that. Because I had an issue with having nothing to eat while in Artist Alley on Friday, a friend of mine brought me some ramen to wolf down on Saturday, but I think that only made things worse. I actually closed up shop about an hour early due to a queasy stomach.

That night after my stomach settled, a small group of my friends and I went to RPM Steakhouse. Our host, if you will- the one who paid for the Uber and who had the idea of going to the steak house- decided to get a 165$ Kobe Steak that wouldn't even cover the screen of a smart phone. (To be fair, they said it was extremely delicious.) I got a 10 ounce ribeye instead- much cheaper, probably almost as delicious, and a lot more filling. Part of me wanted to get a bigger steak, but that part is usually a bad judge of how much I can actually eat before I'm full.

Anyways it turns out the steakhouse also has cotton candy, which was this weird but wonderful mix of fruit flavors. At times it tasted like strawberry, jackfruit, oranges, lime, lemon, pears, berries, etc. I ate most of that, to be honest- Everyone else had some but they didn't want that much.

Sunday: Artist Alley numero tres. The Empty Alley! At least, that's what I'm calling it. If you went through on Sunday, I'm sure you noticed there were a lot of empty artist tables. I know I did. To be fair, it was mostly full by the time I left due to artists trickling in late, but it started off remarkably empty. On both Saturday and Sunday, the number of artists listed to be in the alley was enough to fill the alley, but then a bunch didn't show up until after it had already started. That was...unusual. Nothing like that happened in 2016.

I do not think it was the long walkway's fault, either. I suspect it was more just a symptom of the fact MFF was bigger, rowdier, and more of a party atmosphere than last year and so people were just too out of it to show up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed first thing in the morning.

I did close up shop in Artist Alley an hour early again, but this time it was so I could browse Artist Alley and Dealer's Den. I saw a lot of very wonderful artists, met Tincrash and Chocopony in person (The latter having been a friend of mine before the con), and was very impressed with the variety of things I saw. I am sorry to report I did not see any Stitch-related things, but my wallet is glad to report that as well because that means I get to spend that money on bills instead. Wee~

Come to think of it...There was actually a fair amount of Stitch things to pick from last year, including a Stitch kigurumi, but this year there was nothing. Maybe there was some and I just picked the wrong day to browse?

Anyways after that it was small pizza time again and then art at the white tables until I got sleepy. I managed to finish 9 commissions on-site for MFF, and I'm going to finish the rest this week with a mass mail-out on Monday. I am taking today off, however, due to Monday's events.

Monday: We packed up and checked out of the hotel around 1 PM before milling around in the lobby till around 4 PM. At that time, we went to O'Hare International Airport to catch a 6 PM flight.

6 PM. Where the rain happens when you're east of the Mississippi. Where the wind and the lightning cause a SIX HOUR flight delay, in part because your plane had to divert to Cedar Rapids, Iowa because it nearly ran out of fuel while waiting in a holding pattern, and instead of re-planing you, O'hare decided to wait for that plane to come back instead. I could have probably watched most of the LotR trilogy in that time. The worst part is, it was a creeping delay, with numerous "updates" telling us the prior update's estimated boarding time was wrong and they needed to delay it again. And again. And again. And again.

I get that lightning and wind can be dangerous to airplanes, but they really really seemed like chickens. The plane was -at the airport- at 9 PM but they didn't let it land, so it had to leave and find another airport to refuel at. I get going "ok, new planes, you need to divert", but if a plane is already there and ground-level winds are light, what's the problem with letting it land?

Anyways we finally left Chicago first thing Tuesday morning, and I passed out as soon as I got home. And that was MFF!

Given that I can't dance, large crowds and loud noises can trigger my panic episodes, and I wasn't interested in most of the panels, I didn't actually do that much. Luckily for me, I had something like 20 great friends there who helped make it enjoyable.

So I'm pissed.

I was working on a picture this evening when my computer just...shut off. Everything went out.

This isn't the first time it's happened, so usually I can just reboot it and go back to drawing. I lose a few hours of work, but nothing terribly major.

This time, I decided to follow someone's advice and run a memory test on it (Memtest86).

That test didn't find anything wrong, but when I tried to go back tojust load windows, the computer BSoD'd and rebooted itself.

Now, it's stuck on the HP splash page you see when you first load it up. Windows does not load.

If I reboot it while it's doing this, it goes into "PREPARING AUTOMATIC REPAIR", then gives me a back screen with absolutely nothing happening.

So I have no way to access any work-in-progress commissions at the moment, no way to move them to my laptop, no way to finish them. That means I'm going to have to do stuff on paper, scan it, and finish things that way. Fuck. I can try installing the tablet onto my laptop and doing art on that, but ti's gonna be a couple days before that setup is working and comfortable.

I don't have the money to refund anyone, I don't have the money for a new PC, I don't have the money to pay for repairs, and I don't know what else I can do.

Clarification: I've got Windows 8 (not 8.1) and a UEFI BIOS.

[UPDATE]

My roommate believes the harddrive suffered a critical error when I was rebooting from running memtest86, and that is what was causing all the problems.

We tried running Linux from a USB, but somehow that pulled up a Windows 7 startup repair utility on a computer that was bought brand new with Windows 8 installed. Naturally, that didn't do anything.

So we ran Ubuntu from a USB, as many of you suggested (thank you guys), and pulled the files I hadn't backed up over to the working harddrive I was using for storing video games.

So once the files I needed were safe, we took out the offending harddrive and replaced it. Way back in May, I had a harddrive scare where one of my harddrives (probably this one) started clicking, but it stopped a couple days later. The scare was enough to make us buy a spare harddrive, though, just in case. So we had a spare harddrive on hand.

Then my roommate loaded Windows 10 onto it, so now I've got a brand new harddrive with a brand new OS in, and now the computer is working properly. However, I have to re-download all my drivers and my art programs, so today's probably not going to see any art either.

Still...at least the worst of the computer issues are behind us.

Funny note- Just as I was installing Windows 10, the power went out. It was like the universe went "Nope, you're not getting this computer back tonight." It was...odd. I suspect the cause, though, is that Denver is full of bad drivers.

Hey guys! Today you'll be noticing uploads at irregular intervals through the day as I finish up older commissions and find things I finished but forgot to upload!

I apologize for not having anything done in the past week or so- for some reason I've been getting really queasy, but I'm feeling much better now!

In other news, I am opening MFF commissions!

These are commissions specially priced to help me buy stuff at MFF. My trip to MFF, my hotel costs, and my registration are already covered, but I'd like to be able to eat pizza and buy a souveneir so I need to raise some money for that.

Here's what I'm offering for MFF Commissions:

*Digital shaded sketch, done the week before or week after the convention (Starting today): 25$ http://www.furaffinity.net/view/10840520/
*Traditional Pencil Sketch (Pencil only): 15$ http://www.furaffinity.net/view/19803007/
*Traditional shaded sketch (Pencil/pastel/ink on paper): 25$ http://www.furaffinity.net/view/21868221/
*Traditional Colored Sketch (Pencil and Colored Pencil on paper): 35$ http://www.furaffinity.net/view/21944330/

If you want it done as a badge, lemme know! I cannot laminate or attach lanyards to badges at this time, but I can get the drawing done for you!

I can also draw NSFW for you before or at the convention at no extra charge.

I will finish some traditional sketches before the convention and bring them with me. If you're going to be there, you can pick them up then! If you will not be at MFF, or cannot make it, I will scan the image so you have a digital copy, and if you want I can mail it to you the week after the convention. I will try to put the sketches in plastic protective sleeves for con pickup so they don't get damaged. I cannot guarantee I have enough- I may need to go pick up more before the con.

So that's what's going on. Today, I'm working on things and uploading, and from here to MFF I'm taking specially priced commissions!

Ok, update time! Fair warning, I am feeling a bit of burnout at the moment, so this may come across a bit grumpy.
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1. The Generic Winter Holiday one-a-day thing is...not working out the way I hoped. I think only 4 people took me up on it, and things have already gotten complicated with those commissions. I have only finished one image so far, I think, which is just...bad.

I am going to finish the ones I've already been paid for, and then that's it. I am just gonna go back to offering same-stream commissions. I thought I could handle a month long challenge but things in my personal life, my own inability to focus, and general malaise have all made it impossible.
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2. The vast majority of my commissions are sequences of one sort or another, and it's gotten to the point that I feel like I need to raise prices on sequences and sketchpages in order to feel like they are worth the effort. I would love to do more quick one-offs, but my big commissions are wearing me out and the money I got from those is not worth the mental exhaustion.

The price change will not affect existing commissions, but going forward, sequences will cost extra.
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3. I am going to work on a Trello board this weekend in hopes that it will help me organize my to-do list. At this point, I feel like things get added to the to-do list faster than I can finish anything, and it's very frustrating for me. I know it's also frustrating for my commissioners when they ask "where they are on the list" and I can only shrug and say I don't know.
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4. My system for doing private streams is completely fucked up. The program, Join.me, had a free version that allowed 20 people to watch your screenshare session. Then they dropped it to 10 users. Now they've dropped it to 3 users, rendering it unusable for the typical 8-10 person private streams I liked to do.

I cannot continue to use a program which continuously guts the free version while jacking the price up on the paid version. It's unethical, immoral, and frankly it should be illegal. As a result, I currently do not have a way to do private streams anymore.
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5. I will resume Picarto streams for in-stream commissions next week with an updated price sheet and a 3-commissioners-per-stream limit.
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6. I will be at MFF this year, and I plan on taking commissions at the convention. Commissions taken at the convention will be completed while I am there, with payment accepted at the time you pick up your commission.

In the event I can't finish it before the convention ends, I'll send the commission to you by email afterwards and you can pay me then. That way, if I am completely unable to work on it, you don't lose your money.
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7. I am going to start looking for an actual job after MFF. At the moment, commissions are the only things paying my bills after Uber turned out to be a waste of time (too many drivers, not enough fares, even at 2 AM in the morning).

This has been nervewracking. I've been scrambling month to month to get enough commissions to pay bills with, and I can't live like this anymore. It burns me out fast, and then I can't draw, then I panic and freak out.

So, as soon as MFF has passed, I'm gonna find a stable job (preferably 20-25 hours) to help cover my bills. That way I can work on commissions with more relaxed mindset, because my finances won't be at stake anymore.
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8. I was able to get a new laptop after the old one went out. Thank you everyone for your suggestions.
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So...yeah. That's about all I got right now. I'm currently dealing with a large amount of general bleh. I needed a month where I can just unplug from everything and just work on art, but real life kept getting in the way and I'm just gonna throw in the towel on November. Maybe January can be my idealistic "I don't have to freak out about anything and I get stuff done at a reasonable pace" month.

So, bad news. My laptop wireless card bit the dust. It connects, but then drops the connection quickly, and maintains a slow, intermittent connection. This has been a problem that has been mounting for months.

I believe it was caused by the laptop overheating, as the laptop has also been shutting off randomly when the lid was closed, the fan has had periods where it whirred out of control or even squeaked, and the laptop harddrive sometimes got too hot and had an error. So we took the laptop apart to check, and found areas where the plastic had been browned, which corresponded to the areas that had gotten hot.

So to recap:

*Bad cooling system
*Visible heat damage to laptop interior
*Harddrive suffered errors
*Wireless card has gone out.

I suspect it's time to get a new laptop, and transfer important data (chat logs, reference pictures, etc) from the old one to the new one.

The good news is, I can still draw. I do all my drawing on my PC.

The bad news is, this is going to make streaming more difficult. I have switched to using an old Dell tablet-PC for my side usage, but it's very slow and can barely keep up with Youtube videos, let alone anything more intensive like an hours-long streams. In addition, I only have the single monitor, so I can't monitor stream chats on the same computer I'm streaming with.

It's also a bit of an unexpected expense. It's not something I am completely unprepared for, but I am going to have to use part of the surplus I'm building for this, which means December will be a busy month for me.

SO YEAH. I'll still be drawing, but streaming's gonna be difficult until I get a new laptop.

Hey all!

So during tonight's stream, some people got to talking in the chat about a possible large group picture of experiments. Mostly, discussing getting me to do one.

The suggestion in the chat was possibly 20$ per slot, then I stream the progress as I'm working on it.

I wanted to get your opinions on this! Does it sound like something worth doing? What sort of things would a group of experiments do? Who would be interested in this kind of thing?

I'd love to hear your thoughts, because this is something that's piqued my interest and I'd like to hear what other people think about it!

Ok guys, time for another update! I should update more often. @_@

1. Family crisis is ongoing, but I've distanced myself from it to protect my emotional health. I know it seems cold to ignore your own grandmom but in this case, I feel like I have no other choice.

2. Commission progress has been intermittent, but I have made some progress, which I will be posting up today. I do have a couple commission pieces I cannot post on Furaffinity, so you'll have to take my word on those. >_< I can't even put'em on Inkbunny either, so I don't know where to put them.

3. The program I used for private streaming, Join.me, has limited the number of viewers on the free version from 10 to 3 (including the host). This is the second time they've reduced the number of viewers (it was initially 20), and I am now looking for another program to replace it. I refuse to use Join.me any longer.

What I'd like in a program for private streaming is that it is free, supports a minimum of 5 viewers, and does not require the viewer to download anything. I tried a couple things such as MingleView, but they were too laggy.

Alternatively, if I make enough money, I may get a Picarto subscription so I can do private streams. @_@ BUt I do not have that kind of money right now.

4. I feel a lot better this month than I did last month, and I expect to put out more art.

5. I've started a personal sticker pack on Telegram with the goal of completing an Ovni sticker every week. I haven't stuck to that goal very well, but I do plan on improving that. Currently the only sticker in it is a picture of Ovni going "RAWR!", which I'll post up today too.

6. I will be going to MFF this year!

7. I plan on getting a part-time job after MFF so I can get some income going. The reason I'm waiting till after MFF is because if I get one NOW, I wouldn't be able to take time off for MFF.

8. Today after I upload some stuff, I will start a stream to catch up on existing commissions. Starting again tomorrow I will be taking new same-stream commissions limited to 3 per stream (that seems to be the max I can do per stream right now).

9. Expect an update tomorrow for Holiday commission streams + MFF related commissions!

10. I'd like to get some help figuring out what to offer on my Patreon! I have an account, but I haven't gone live with it yet because I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Does anyone have any suggestions for me?

So, that's what's going on right now. Expect some art incoming and hopefully I'll see you at MFF!

So...things this week have not gone the way I wanted. I've been an emotional wreck...and most of it can be traced back to the news on Tuesday that my grandmother convinced the courts to evict my mom from the house she lives in.


The house was going to be my mom's inheritance, but after my grandmom's dementia set in, she disowned my mother after a series of increasingly strange paranoid delusions set in- she thought, for example, that my mom was attempting to seduce my grandfather.


My grandmother has also been threatening me in phonecalls, saying that if I take my mom's side when my mom inevitably challenges the new will, I'll lose my inheritance. Furthermore, she's stated that if I get subpoena'd, I shouldn't "remember anything" and play dumb. I mean...I moved out of my grandmother's house and 1200 miles away because of all the bullshit manipulation she pulls, and now she's blackmailing and me and asking me to commit perjury on her behalf if I get subpoena'd.


So that's what I've been going through this week, and it's got me all tangled up right now. I've advised my grandmother to just leave me the hell alone, and I'm going to try to raise some money in the coming days to help my mom pay the deposit on an apartment.


Thank you guys for your continued patience and support.

Hello again guys!

I wanted to clarify some things and explain what's been going on in my life. I have a lot of unfinished commissions, but I keep taking more, and I feel like I should explain why.

I have been dealing with an insane family situation. As you probably know, I moved out of my grandparents house in March.

In 2016, my grandmother's dementia began worsening rapidly. She became constantly paranoid and began manipulating the whole family, including myself, because of her paranoia and insistence that someone in the family was trying to hurt her. First she said it was one of my uncles, then she said it was one of my aunts, then she said it was the other aunt, then she said it was my mom, then she said it was my grandfather...

She was emotionally abusive. I've had ADHD and depression for most of my life, but she made them both so much worse with her manipulation and constantly high tension. My anxiety problems worsened into full blown panic attacks and anxiety attacks.

Things came to a head in late December, just before Christmas. Around the 15th of December, my grandmother slipped into a period of absolute fear and paranoia. She became belligerent, screaming day and night at my grandfather because she believed my mom was trying to seduce him and that he was also cheating on her. This lasted for several days.

On December 22nd, she snapped. She began screaming she was going to go buy a gun and shoot my mom. She screamed that she'd get three bullets- one for my mom, one for my granddad, and one for herself. Then she left the house and went to a gun store. I notified the rest of the family via texting my brother, as I didn't want to escalate it further.

The people who worked at the gunstore realized something was wrong and turned her away. She came back home, even more belligerent before calling and emailing my mother, threatening her directly. At that time, my mother- at the suggestion of my brother and one of my uncles- called 911 and had my grandmother arrested.

My grandmother was cooperative with the officers and told them what had happened, and she was held overnight. She was released the next morning.

I went to a doctor on December 27th to begin treatment for my depression and anxiety. This incident was the straw that broke the camel's back, and I knew I needed help. I was prescribed medication, and my doctor advised me the only chance I had at a stable life again was to get out of that house.

A few days later, early January, I was trying to calm her down, as she remained hysterical over all that had happened, and she looked me square in the face. She said "I learned something from all this. Honesty is not always the best policy." That day, I began planning to move.

From that day forward, she changed her story. She was able to argue in court against the established chain of events, and while the judge sentenced her to anger therapy for six months, they did not pursue the incident any further. My grandmother became more belligerent, more manipulative, and threatened the entire family if they did not believe her version of events. She threatened to kill herself as a way to manipulate the family, and continues to do so. I moved out on March 15th after making sure I had everything I needed in order. I filled my car with everything I could fit in it, and I drove 1200 miles to Denver to move in with a friend who has been helping me put my life back together.

My anxiety and depression continued to worsen despite moving out. I lost my health insurance when I left my job, and I had no money to pay for another doctor visit here in Denver, so when my medication ran out...I was out. There wasn't a way to get more.

Compounding this, I have had a hard time adjusting to Colorado. I still wake up some mornings expecting to be in my old room in Tennessee, with my grandparents screaming outside my door. I still have nights I can't fall asleep, no matter how hard I try, because my brain is racing at 10,000 thoughts per second. I still have days I worry that I might be a danger to myself. And, perhaps as a cosmic insult added to injury, my roommates and I are living in a house with no working air conditioner. We've told the landlord, but aside from sending someone out twice to look at it...there has been no fix. When it gets above 84 F outside, that's effectively the majority of my day unusable for anything, because I can't handle heat. I start getting sweaty at 76 F. I get cramps at 80 F. I just can't handle heat, and it's been a horrible summer for me. Most days, I'm afraid to say, it's just too warm for me to draw. And perhaps most nervewracking of all, my roommate who brought me out to Colorado to help had lost her job for a couple of months, which made June-August a time of complete uncertainty for both of us. I honestly was afraid I'd end up homeless for a period there, and...fear paralyzes me. It really does. I couldn't bring myself to do anything but lose myself in games for a bit, because any moment outside of a game was terrifying.

I tried my hand at driving for Uber, but in all honesty, I did not stick with it for very long. My anxiety and my unfamiliarity with the Denver area made the first couple of nights absolutely nervewracking, and I couldn't work up the courage to try again. I'm still not sure if I can.

I was taking commissions in 2016 that I stopped completing as the drama worsened with my family. I took a bunch of commissions at the end of January to help pay for moving out of the house. I have not finished them all. I'm sorry that I have not finished them. I want to finish them all, and I ask for your patience. I took several more in April and May, in July and August, and now in September. I have been making progress, but I have no real schedule in place. I keep trying to make a schedule, but I'm not completely whole yet. I still have days where everything is just a terrifying nightmare and I can't bring myself to do anything. I still have days where I'm in such a malaise I can't even vary the tone of my voice.

I still need to make around 800$ a month to cover all my bills and help pay for groceries. I've cut my bills down to minimum payments, so I don't need as much money as I used to, but....I still need money. I have to take new commissions or find a real job.

Finding a real job will take time though. Until then, I've got to rely on commissions to make my ends meet. That is why I keep taking new commissions. I hope that you guys can understand that and please bear with me. I know there are things I've owed for months, and I promise to get to them, but at this time, I cannot focus on the old things. Once I've got my income stabilized enough to take care of my bills, once my day-to-day terror and dread has been quelled, I promise to complete every single thing I owe.

Ovni, you've been over this before. What are you doing to make sure things get better?

*I've got health insurance again through the Colorado health insurance program. As soon as I'm able to stabilize my income, I'm going back to see a doctor and get back on medication and I'm looking at starting therapy of some sort.

*I'm distancing myself from my grandmother as much as I can. The less interaction I have with her, the better my mental health will be.

*It's going to be fall soon, which should mean cooler temperatures. I won't be overheated anymore, which means I can draw more often.

*Once stable, I'm going to start working on a Patreon and a Trello account, so you can support me if you want to and also keep track of what I'm doing and how quickly I'm moving through my commissions.

*I'm going to start learning this area better. After I get my car washed and tuned up, I'll begin Ubering again during the day to supplement my income. My car has a working AC, even though my house doesn't.

So...that's my gameplan at the moment. Get myself stable financially and psychologically, and from there I should be able to work on everything. My goal at the moment is to have all outstanding commissions finished by December 31st.



I apologize to everyone who has been waiting. I cannot promise you will all see your commissions finished tomorrow, but I can promise you that you will not have to wait much longer. And thank you for commissioning me- you guys are the only thing keeping me afloat right now.

These are the rules for my streams going forward. If you violate them, you'll be banned from my streams.

1. Be polite to everyone else in the stream. This should go without saying.

2. Don't ask about your commission while I'm working on someone else's. It's rude and it gives me anxiety problems. If you're concerned about how long you've waited, note me or email me at quartz.poker[at]gmail.com .

3. Don't spam.

And that's about it.

The last few streams, I've had people ask me about their things while I was trying to work on other things. Those sort of questions basically completely throw me out of it. I have to be in a certain mood to stream, and those questions immediately throw me out of it.

It's like...when I'm streaming, I'm a performer on a stage. If you're asking me about your commissions while I'm working on somebody else's, you're coming up on stage and interrupting the performance, and I just break down. I know, I know, I've got people who've waited forever for commissions and I've got people who've only waited a couple weeks. I honestly don't know how to handle this.

I will have another journal in a littlebit detailing my backlog commissions and how I plan on dealing with them.

In the meantime, I still need an assistant who can mod my streams for me.

Sorry about that. Posted a journal without writing anything in it! Derp.


Firstly, I want to thank everyone who helped me this past week. Your help was life-saving, and I don't know how to thank you all properly. But thank you so very much.

Second, I apologize for not having a lot done this week. We've had problems all summer with the central A/C here not being able to cool the upper floor of the house, and it reached a peak this week with the temperature up stairs hitting the 90s. It is, as you can imagine, hard to draw when you've got stagnant humid 93 degree air. Anyways we have someone coming to fix it shortly.

Thirdly, regardless of whether or not our A/C gets fixed, the temperature this coming weekend looks to be cool, so I won't have to worry about heat. Thus, my current plans look like this:

Friday- Mixed Content stream- Working on old commissions, and also taking new ones.
Saturday- Mixed Content stream- Working on old commissions and also taking new ones.
Sunday- Mixed Content stream- Working on old commissions and also taking new ones.

Basically, this weekend is a continuation of last Friday, so I hope to pick up where I left off then.

EDIT: Friday I had an anxiety attack and a migraine, and today my stream time will be later than initially desired due to some good news happening in our household- One of my roommates got a new job, so they want to go out to supper tonight to celebrate.

As a result of these delays, I will be streaming Monday to make up for the lost time.

Ok so....I don't know what to do or where to begin. I'm just gonna lay out all the problems and hope somebody knows how to help me.

I moved from Tennessee to Colorado on March 15th because of severe family issues that had driven me to having panic attacks, general anxiety disorder, and clinical depression. On top of that, I was in severe financial duress due to mounting medical problems mostly related to my upper respiratory system.

So far, the medical problems have stopped but the medical bills are still sitting there, waiting to be paid. Short version: Marginal income, 7,000 dollars of debt (not counting student loans).

The mental issues, on the other hand...I think they're getting worse. My sleep schedule is completely out of whack, and my attempts at making a schedule for myself have all fallen through. I don't know where to get the money I need to survive. I'm not stable enough to Uber regularly. I'm not stable enough to sit down and draw regularly. I'm on the verge of tears any time I try to analyze my problem and get out of it, and I've started having suicidal thoughts again.

Each of my problems feeds into each other. Complete lack of income and heavy debt feeds into depression and instability. Instability and depression feed into lack of income. This thing has become such a Gordian Knot that I don't even know where to begin trying to unravel it.

Here's what I was hoping for when I moved to Colorado.

*1. I was hoping for an emotionally stable environment where I could recover from the trauma at home.
*2. I was hoping for a chance to begin building a life for myself, where I could make money to buy the things I need.
*3. I was hoping for opportunities to advance my career as an artist, and maybe, if I got lucky, go entirely to working on art for income. After 2015 and 2016 got ate by the call center I worked for, I was desperate for a change. I wanted to do the things I love, not spend 40-50 hours a week doing things that stressed me out.
*4. The friend I had moved in with promised that I could focus on myself first, get myself stable again, before having to worry about anything else. Then she lost her job and now I spend a lot time worrying if we'll even have a house next month.

What went wrong?

I'm not sure where things went wrong. I got the last of my money together and got whatever I could fit in my car and I moved to Colorado. The first night with my new roommate was anxiety-wracked, but slowly I settled in. I was able to get some furniture after some help from my family, but it wasn't a lot of help so most of my furniture is already falling apart. My bed, for example, is only a temporary fold-up cot that sags far too heavily for me to get comfortable in it now. I don't have the money to replace my furniture, and it's pushing my stress levels higher, to the point I've started falling apart 3 or 4 times a week again. I can't work if I'm falling apart 3 or 4 times a week, so I don't even try, and that only makes things worse. If I don't get a new bed soon, I'm going to be completely done for, because I'm not getting any restful sleep at all.

My roommate was nicer than I expected, but after a while things have just gotten to the point where we're constantly upsetting each other. After she unexpectedly lost her job to premature contract termination, she hasn't been able to offer the help she initially said would be available, so I'm stranded.

Then we got a second roommate who...he's a nice guy, but he never cleans up after himself. I'm constantly looking for a plate or a pan to use for when I want to cook, but every time it turns out he's already used it and left it on the counter and never cleaned it. We started making him do the dishes because of how often he's the one who messes them up, but even then things are always just too dirty. I try my best to get along with him, but we had friction online beforehand and while he's nice, he's also completely absentminded and unaware of other people.

The house has a underpowered airconditioner. We can't replace it because we don't own the house, but it gets to 84 or 86 degrees inside way too often, and I can't handle high temperatures. I'm susceptible to heat stroke and heat-induced emotional instability. My roommate keeps saying I should try sleeping downstairs where it's cooler, but that isn't a solution. It's cool at night when I try to sleep. It's the during the day part where things get horrible, and they're at their worst when I need to be working on art. I'd move my room downstairs, but the only available room is the computer room, and we'd have to move that upstairs and there's just too much to move. It's extremely daunting.

I got started with Uber, but after all the hype I'd gotten about how good it was, it turns out it's actually RNG-based income. You CAN make the 19 to 27 dollars an hour of income they promise, if you get lucky and pick up people going very long distances. But you won't make that every hour, and you have to be up and driving from like 9 PM to 7 AM to make the most money. On top of that, you can only make good money 3 days every week. After the first day of driving for Uber, I got so disillusioned with it that I just stopped trying. It's just too big a task, rearranging my life around an RNG-based income when I'm already unstable and under heavy stress. I spent more time -waiting- for customers than I spent driving anybody around, and I just can't handle that.

So, here's my list of problems.

1. No money, so no way to pay for the things I need to make my home life easier.
2. Heavy debt burden- 2 maxed out credit cards loaded with medical debt, and total debt is a whisker above 20,000$. I can't even take out a third credit card to free up some spending ability, so I literally can't buy a cheeseburger most weeks of the month.
3. No way to take out a loan
4. Whenever I do get money, I have to put it towards my debts immediately. The interest rate on one of my credit cards is so high that the money I put on it -only- pays down the interest, and the credit card remains maxed out.
5. My family life in Tennessee has fallen apart, and my grandparents are trying to meddle with my life in Colorado. Grandmother's evicting my mom and has disowned both my mom and one of my uncles. I'm convinced she has vascular dementia, but there's nothing I can do about it.
6. I'm an emotional wreck, and I don't know how to manage it. Suicidal thoughts are getting more and more common, I'm out of the medication I need to control my depression, and I feel like I'm spiraling. Every minute I spend paralyzed is another minute I'm not fixing my problems, and that realization paralyzes me.
7. I don't have health insurance or any money to get some. I've run out of the medication I was using to control my anxiety, and since it's prescription only I can't get more without an income.
8. I should look for a proper job, but my college degree is several years old and I never got experience in that field. Additionally, while a proper job would go a long ways towards stabilizing my income, it would be a couple months before I started feeling any kind of relief and that's just a problem I can't cope with. In addition, I've been turned down from so many jobs that the whole idea of filing applications actually sets off my anxiety again.
9. I don't want to be disabled. I've had people telling me that giving up and declaring myself disabled with the government would help, but that actually upsets me too. I want to get on my feet and get stable, but I don't know how, and they're telling me to basically just give up.
10. I had friends and family members who promised to help me financially when I moved, since I didn't have all the money I needed to get established here, but they never did. Things came up for them, so I got caught in the lurch.

My only advantage right now is I have a nice, clean, modern car worth 10,000$, and nobody has a lien on it. I own the car outright, it's mine, and I'm in no danger of losing it. My family has suggested that to get my immediate problems sorted out, I could take out a loan with the car as collateral, but with my high debt burden and no income, I can't do that, and no one will co-sign with me.

I don't know what to do guys. I wanted to get to this point where some combination of commissions and Ubering would get me stable, but I've gotten so unstable I can't even work on commissions or get in my car without suddenly having visions of deliberately getting into a fatal car accident. Please, does anyone have anything or know something that could possibly help me?

I haven't recovered from my breakdown yesterday. The slightest things are pissing me off beyond belief, and I feel like I'm going to explode. People who want to help keep asking questions, and right now questions piss me off. My headphones touching my arm while I try to draw is making me scream in anger and frustration. Even my clothes are pissing me off, just with the way they feel.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I don't feel like I'm in a position to try and do anything today. I'm gonna take a nap, and if i feel better after that, I'll try streaming.

Ok, so I've got a huge problem, and I need some help with it.

I need to make about 2000$ a month to cover all my living expenses and getting some payments going on my debt.

Streaming...has not worked for me. That's my fault. I have not been able to keep my energy levels high enough to stream often enough to meet that kind of requirement. As a result, I've fallen way behind on my art and my finances. By my estimate, I owe 32 commissions (of which only 17 are stream commissions) and I also owe about 7,000$ to various creditors and friends, and I've hit the bottom of what I can borrow. My friends can't help me anymore and my credit cards are maxed out. I have no tangible income, no savings, heavy medical bills, no family support, and I'm struggling just to keep myself together emotionally. I'm in way over my head.

I don't have any sort of schedule set up. I keep trying to set up a schedule, but I don't have anyone to keep me to it and my combined depression and ADHD keep me from successfully managing my time. I spend more time sleeping or gaming than I do working, and that's not fair to anyone.

As a result of my financial problems, I've signed up to drive with Uber. This is where a conflict arises though. The only good times to stream for me overlap with the only good times to Uber in Denver, so each day I can only make money one way or the other. I basically have to choose, daily, what to do.

So here's the challenge I face: I need to stream or Uber full time and I need each hour of work to be profitable.

If I Uber full time, I can probably make the money I need, but streaming will be impossible and I'll make very little progress on commissions. (EDIT: I've already tried to Uber for a bit. It's not steady work, there's a lot of wasted time idling, and while I can make 15-16$/hr a couple hours a night with it when business peaks, there are too many drivers and not enough customers. In addition, Uber's guaranteed 19$/hr only applies if you have a SUV or black car.)

If I stream full time, I need help getting a schedule together and I need people to actually pay for streaming. Unfortunately, old commissions at my old prices are already all paid for, meaning I would have 2 to 3 weeks of streams where I'm not making any money at all just to clear the backlog, and that means I would be in debt even longer with no income. That's unacceptable, so old commissions would have to go on the backburner entirely until I get stable, and that's not fair to anyone.

And whichever I choose, I feel like I am going to need nudges and assistance from friends with developing schedules, sticking to those schedules, and making tangible progress towards getting my debts paid down. I really really need the help of other people on this, because I have tried to figure it out by myself and failed repeatedly. You guys have seen it, you know I've tried and you know I've failed over and over.

So I need help with a few things.

1. I need advice.

Which should I try? Should I try just going at uber full tilt to make the money I need, or should I try turning art into an actual job?

How do I reconcile working on so many old commissions and simultaneously fixing my current financial situation? I can't just go at old commissions and clear out the backlog. I need to make 2000$ this month and every month, or I'm fucked, and I don't have anywhere or anyone I can borrow the money from anymore.

How do I stay stable during all of this? I've never been a very stable person, and this problem has been mounting for months. I've tried reaching out for help before, but no one ever seemed to believe me about how serious this is...I don't know. I've had to start lying to myself just to keep my emotions halfway in check, and I know that's not right.


2. I need help figuring out a schedule that works. Right now my sleep schedule is all messed up because I'm trying to juggle way too much at once, and it's wearing me thin. I don't know when I'm working or when I'm streaming, I don't know how much money I'm going to make in a day, and I don't know if I can keep trying without some outside help. I need a schedule that is set in stone, something I can rely on and work my whole life around. Most importantly, I need someone to actually hold me to that schedule once it's figured out.



I don't have any money to go to a therapist to help with this, so you guys are going to help me on this. Please, I'm begging you, I need to get -something- figured out and fast, because this is the last month I'll be able to scrape by on the skin of my teeth. If I am not making money by August 1st, I'm completely fucked and I'll likely have to declare bankruptcy.

(EDIT) For clarification the issue with art has not been "no one commissions me." I have found I have a wonderful group of commissioners who commission me whenever they can. The problem has been I have been anxious, unstable, and emotionally incapable of maintaining a firm schedule for them, so I get behind on everything. It's -my- fault I'm behind, and it's -my- fault I haven't been making the money I could if I had a firm schedule. I feel like I could actually make decent money at art if I wasn't such an idiot.


*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****UPDATE*****

I'm going to try a schedule this coming week.

Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday: Starting at 4 PM, I will stream. If I make 100$ or more in that stream, I'll keep streaming past 8 PM. If I'm not making money, I'll go Uber at 8 PM to make the money I need for the day.

Wednesdays: I will be working on old commissions between 4 and 8 PM and personal projects after 8 PM.

Sundays will be my day off. Do not ask about streaming or commissions on a Sunday, I have been instructed by higher authorities (such as my roommate and her dog) to ignore requests for work on Sundays.

I need you guys to keep me reminded of this. I have a whiteboard I'm borrowing from a roommate but I also need reminders. Please help me by keeping me reminded.

These are my plans for this week. Please note that early-mid afternoons will not be used for art because our AC isn't acting correctly and it gets too hot at that time for me to concentrate on anything.

Monday: Work on WIPs
Tuesday: Work on WIPs
Wednesday: Work on new experiment stuff
Thursday: Work on old YCHs
Friday: Work on old YCHs
Saturday: Work on old commissions
Sunday: Work on old commissions

I am going to start Ubering this week as well, assuming I pass the physical. I expect to Uber around 20 hours a week to make the income I need, so I can still work on art plenty.

I would appreciate it if people help me keep to this schedule by reminding me.

Hey all! You may have noticed I have an art dump in progress for Stitch Day.

I haven't drawn a lot since moving due to anxiety, depression, and getting settled in, but I am very proud of what I've got done. I'm taking a short break from the art dump to get lunch, and then I'll resume posting stuff.

Some of these things are from before I moved. Some things will be even older things I just forgot to post. And some will be new things.

Commission WIPs will go in my Scraps.

In other news, I turn 28 tomorrow. I've never been 28 before, but I assume it's a lot like being 27, right?

I'm so sorry to everyone who was hoping May and June would be full of art.

Long story short, my depression came back again and I've been cracking under the slightest amount of pressure recently.

I have something for 626 Day that I think people will like. I've made slow progress on commissions but haven't finished anything yet.

EDIT: Got my car inspected for Uber, so I should have a source of income soon. That'll help with my depression.

Ok guys, so I've had a change in plans that was forced by a couple of forces, mostly "Money" and "Depression".

Firstly: I will launch my Patreon later in the month after getting some material together that I can actually put on a Patreon. Projected launch date is between May 20th and June 1st.

Second: I am flat broke. I have commissions to do. I need to take more. Moving to Colorado has depleted all my funds, and my tax refund has helped me get into a good situation furniture wise but now I need to pay bills.

With that in mind, here's my new stream schedule and what I plan to tackle each day. (times may vary)

Mondays: Breather Days (I might stream but it'll just be personal projects and eventually Patreon stuff).
Tuesdays: Old Commissions + Old YCHs (If I stream, it'll be 2 PM to 12 AM MDT)
Wednesdays: New Commissions + Telegram Stickers (2 PM to 12 AM MDT)
Thursdays: Old Commissions + Old YCHs (2 PM to 12 AM MDT)
Fridays: New Commissions + Telegram Stickers (2 PM to 12 AM MDT)
Saturday: Potpourri- I'll be working on old commissions, new commissions, personal projects, etc. (2 PM to 12 AM MDT)
Sunday: Potpourri- I'll be working on old commissions, new commissions, personal projects, etc. (2 PM to 12 AM MDT)

Please note that in the event of depression, anxiety attack, or offline obligations such as errands, I will not stream on a given day, but I will attempt to make progress and post that the next day here on FA (or, if it's something special, on Patreon).

I would also be grateful for any donations. At this point, I would really like to get into art as a job, but if it gets to the middle of the month and I'm still not on track to pay my bills, I'll have to get a job which will slow down my art progress.

Hey all!

I made it to Colorado safely on March 16th and I've been taking my time settling in, getting to know the area, getting to know my roommates, and fighting off the evil martians! (One of those is a lie.)

Well, I've decided that I need to get serious about my art and commissions again, and I need to get serious about making money. So, three things.

First, Stream and Art schedule

From now to May 1st, I'm going to be busy working on a couple personal projects that I hope you guys will really enjoy. Starting May 1st, the following schedule will apply:

Monday- Patreon Streaming of old works, redos, new works, and general shenanigans.
Tuesday- Working on my YCH commissions, 2 PM - 10 PM MDT (4 pm to 12 AM eastern)
Wednesday- Relaxing, goofing off.
Thursday- Working on old commissions, 2 PM - 10 PM MDT
Friday- Relaxing, goofing off
Saturday- Working on old commissions, 2 PM - 10 PM MDT
Sunday- Working on new commissions, 5 PM - 10 PM MDT
Ovnday- [REDACTED- TOP SECRET]

In the event I cannot stream a specific day due to personal issues, roommate issues, or general problems, I will still attempt to make progress on my art that day and post an update at the end of the day of what I did that day.

Second, PATREON!

I've decided that I really need to make money, even if it's just nickels and dimes, and so I'm gonna start a Patreon. My patrons will have access to WIPs, comics, desktop backgrounds, short stories, paintings, and so much more.

I'll be launching my Patreon on May 1st after I get everything set up!

Third, Upload Spree!

I know you guys have gone a while without seeing anything from me, so be prepared! This week I'm gonna upload a bunch of stuff I haven't uploaded before, including some finished pieces and some commission updates! I'm gonna try to space it out so I don't dump 30 things in a single day.

I'm sorry for the way things have gone this month guys.

I've had a horrible time. My family life has turned into absolute hell, and I lost every cent I had because I broke two teeth early in the month and needed to get them repaired. I've had many panic attacks and my depression keeps resurfacing. To top it off, I ended up with the stomach flu twice. How the hell do you get it twice?

So, right now, I'm trying to scrape together every cent I can so I can pay rent for March and then move out before April.

To that end, I will be streaming sketch commissions today, tomorrow, and Tuesday.

Secondly, I'm about to start an upload spam. I think I have 30 something items to upload, so I'm gonna upload a few today and a few tomorrow.

So yeah, my life has gone to hell and it's screwed up my plans, but I am climbing out of the hole, and soon I'll be in Denver and starting my life away from my family. I'm terrified and excited.