a homo-erotic dream, concerned freind, homicidal lunchbox, and near computer death have brought me back.
i must now draw!

yesterday was a hellish ordeal with multiple 100+ pound objects being moved about the length of a football feild (including a fully armoured hmmwv).
its too bad the people i really enjoy talking to are not around online right now. i feel axiety/depressions hot angry breath coming down my neck. boredom for me most certainly sees me heading that direction every time.

my mind is always on something, and when it starts headed in that direction my thoughts increasingly turn negative, untill i shut down for a few days, or a week.
my old self would have just turned to alchohol, or something else of that nature. as fun as that can be, its not a very healthy response to stress (also, that option is out the window right now, im deployed in kuwait).

oh i fight it. i fight this tooth and nail, every breath i take. i pour all of my energy into anything im doing... christine, my job, my freinds, my art, autocross and bmx, downhill mountain biking, my love life, and recently, my fitness.
it works... but only for a few days or weeks.
in the end the beast always wins.

this is exactly why my fursona is like that now... two sides to everything. im not a two faced person, i just see life in black and white, and my emotional state reflects that.
when i get into this mood, i often wonder what it would be like to defect from the millitary and live in the woods with just a gun and a hatchet. what it would be like to be a drug addict, the only thing to worry about being my next wonderfull fix.
i would like the new me to be stronger than this. to overcome sutch stupid thoughts and feelings, but at the end of the day, when im in this mood, i see just another lost soul. mindlessly searching for a reason to truly live.

http://hubble.nasa.gov/multimedia/astronomy.php

^^^
So look at some of the stunning pictures she has taken since the 90's!
She is the ultimate underdog, being launched with a flaw in her mirror, people once thought she was a multimillion dollar flop. Fast forward to 2011, she is still in use, still unlocking the mysteries of the Universe, and still showing us that we as humans are just a tiny part of something as unfathomably massive as it is beautifull. :)

I'm going to re-do 'Pillars Of Creation'.. I've learned mutch since that 'flop' lol. Instead of the Eagle Nebula, I'll be using the Carina Nebula as a backround.. I just love star forming Nebulae, browns and purples and blues and reds, with thier "pillars of creation" swirling and turbulent due to the nature of the huge short-lived stars giving out thier initial birth cries.
It will be just a picture of christine, beconing you with an outstreached paw and smiling as her aura glows.

I don't know when that will be finished, but I'm going to try like hell. I've also got a trade picture in the works with alizabeth_shepherd, my C submission for monday (A freindly challenge between me and my buddy meridianbat), and I'm going to try to do another (this time full body) picture of my mates fursona. He says sutch wonderfull things about me, my heart races...

porn.
furries!
yiffing!
buying cheap knock offs from china.
more porn.
wait, thats all good stuff....

anyways, the internet allows people of a normally internal nature to display thier minds in sutch wonderfull and interesting ways, as is the case of most furries out there.
when two furries yiff, it can be as simple a thing as two people trying to get each other off, or it can be as complex and wonderfull as the universe itself. in either case, there is a possibility that the furs will greatly enjoy each other.
therin lies the problem. the internet is like a thousand mile thick wall with just a tv screen and a microphone to communicate between the two sides. or a thick, impenetrable glass barrier with a few dry erase markers on either side.
if only there was some way.
yes, i do feel about someone enough to think of the internet in this new light. i cant get him out of my head. when hes online its like a braingasm, hehe. i definitly know what this feeling is. im so glad to have it, its a wonderfull and joyous thing to want only to comfort and be comforted.
stupid internet *tries to strangle it*

a long time ago i was a lonely soul, fresh in the airforce with new and unfammiliar surroundings. it was at that time that i realised i might be gay, but i had never acted on any impulses.
my loneliness at that time made me try many, many different things.. i poked around on the internet, and figured out i was furry.. poking around some more, i find really good writers.
im a cancer, so writing takes me away to another universe entirely (i visualize everything, even when people talk to me.. its like dreaming when your awake). i befreind a few of them in an attempt to understand how someone could write so well, as i thought i myself was talentless. it turns out it may be quite the contrary, and the writers i befreinded ended up being like brothers to me (i even yiffed one of them O.o ), even though i had never met them in person..
oddly, i even have the same personality as one of them.
fast forward to now.
i get in touch with a writer whom i havent talked to in at least a year. we immediately started talking about the same wonderfull and interesting things that we had since i met him. the interesting way the universe works on a quantom level is one of them. :3
anyways, we complement each other as freinds do, and something clicked. something in the complement... the way he worded it.. i complemented back as best i could, i was completely taken aback by sutch kind words. and they just kept flowing! the beauty of those words... they made me tear up at times.
maybe im just rambling... i dont know.
what i do know is that i really like him, and i just never put two and two together untill just now.

i told him i was going to bed, but i needed to say these things before i did, and im retaining his identity unless he says otherwise....
lol, imagine a gay guy going 'ohmygod' floating around with wrists flopping everywhere.
thats how powerfull those words were to me... i havent felt like this in years. ^.^

Whoo! After five years, I have finally figured out my fursona! No longer will I be a plain old boring white wolf. The new me has explosions, and car chases! :3

Inspiration came to me on my birthday during a routine shower after PT. The new Phillis will be split down the middle (still a wolf), one half black, and one half white. The white side has a red eye, and the black side has a blue. I'm still deliberating on a tatoo or something on the black side. I have tried this scheme out on an as of yet unnamed submission, and it came out very well! Even better, when I do eventually get to buying/making a fursuit, it will be way more interesting than just a plain white wolf.

I think this better captures my personality, and I think the people that know me would agree.

Anywho, I'm drawing up a new picture of just him, and using it as my new avatar. Two years was a good run for 'Ninja Hamster' I think. :P

I'm about done with my B themed submission for monday (I think it looks way better than 'summoning' ^.^), and I have already figured out what C and D will be. So expect at least three more submissions from me by next monday! :)

Space Penis!

You dont know how mutch people care about you untill they antique you, get you layed (Lol, the flower thing :P ) buy you pizza, neer beer, and icecream. Oh then tackle you and hog tie you.

I gave them one hell of a fight though, I almost puked... Both arms are bruised and scraped up, and my neck, back, and right arm got over extended. It took three people a good twenty minutes to keep me down long enough. I kept breaking the zip ties! And I accidentally kicked one in the face! :D

By then they were so tired they couldnt do what they were planning and just took pictures of me like a hunting trophy.

I took out alot of aggression on that, it was a good time... If only the other two knew I was gay! Lol! (And yes, I loved it for more than just the wrestling O.o )

1986, June 28th. Gloversville NY. nuff said :P

Yep, I am working on a B theme for this coming monday! This time I have my head in the game... I'm trying to get it on paper before the freshness of the idea goes away (Also before any of my coworkers see what I'm drawing... I am in a little hovel here in kuwait O.o ). I also cant wait to use Inkscape on it.. I have learned mutch through my recent attempts to use it ^.^

http://inkscape.org/
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
For any artist reading this!!
It's free, on public liscence. It's like using paint but with better everything.. It's like awsomesauce, but with extra awsome!

Space penis!

I had lost faith in my home state since I left to sample the rest of the world. (By the way I'm not from the city, I'm from upstate NY, completely different trust me.) Things look better for human rights every day... I cant wait untill the day I can freely tell my coworkers to f*ck off, I'm not attracted to that dimestore hooker they are trying to hook me up with. I keep hearing it's going to be in september. :)

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110625.....ay_marriage_ny
i wish i was there to be a part of the celebration ^.^

I will take suggestions, for realz. I'll do my best, I've learned so mutch about Inkscape now, it's only a matter of time before I'm up there with the big dawgs (I think all that's holding me back is the lack of a scanner... I'm not buying one out here in this dustbowl). I've got two major works I'm going to post soon, one is called 'Summoning' It's the first time I've made a backround or shaded with this program, the second one is going to be called 'Pillars of Creation', that one should be epic if I can do what I've been wanting... I love the universe, and it has to do with the ending of my story 'Double Negative'. :)

I'll also be posting another pic this coming Monday for a challenge that Meridianbat and I have undertaken, and anyone can join if they are interested. The rules are simple; starting this week, you have a week to draw something that has to do with a letter of the alphabet, starting with A all the way to Z. The pics are due Mondays, there's no children's book crap, and no telling anybody what theme you picked or what it is you're drawing. A is due this coming Monday. :P

The prgram I'm using to edit and color my pictures is called Inkscape. Think of you as God, and your picture is your Universe.. If you know anything about windows paint, you already know half of what you need to to get started. Scaleable Vector Graphics editing FTMFW!!!
It's free, and here is the link to thier website, you are totally welcome.

http://inkscape.org/

Also, my writer buddies will notice that this whole friggin' post has the right capitols and punctuations! Whoo progress! :3

ok so, i love my car alot... i probably have a fetish with machines or something...
anyways, has anyone heard of an orgasmatron? ok, stick with me here, hook it up to your cars tachometer!

(christine owes me some lovin after all those waxes :P )

omg, id love autocross even more! who wouldnt want to rev up thier car after hooking up an orgasmatron to it? genious! lol

http://www.catstretcher.com/

hehe, im going to buy myself one of these when i get back from my deployment. if i had the choice, i would never had the operation that scarred my manhood in the firstplace. i have been searching around for a way to restore myself for a while..

http://www.wikihow.com/Re-Grow-a-Foreskin

^^^ that website has all the beginner info you need, if your interested. this process takes alot of patience, like working out. the results show themselves in time.

stories and artwork seem to be flowing out of me during this deployment, i have no idea why. i never thought of myself as mutch of a writer, but from what people tell me, im halfway decent! thank you meridianbat and zerrex narrius for egging me on, its been a huge help :)

it is annoying and stressfull. never before have i had a guy come on to me and call me sexy, or interesting, or anything like that. im not sexy or interesting. far from it. and ive learned in my rambleings on this dying planet never to trust anyone other than my good freind jacob as far as they could be thrown. im starting to crack under that type of pressure. as many times ive said no, its just brushed aside like nothing happens. i just told him off AGAIN. sad truth is ive only been in love once. i know what that feels like... for people to just throw the word around, or even confuse it with lust! come on!

i need to work out. wtf? have i changed my body that mutch in three months? if i dont work out during the day, i get all irritated and emo. i destroy an elliptical for 45 minutes and im fine.

stress is a fickle beast

as i lay here in my spanktank listening to nightwish, waiting for blissfull sleep, i ponder my life yet again. the story i just wrote dredged up some old feelings that i thought were gone. the conflicting nature of them ties me up in knots. i hate them, these old feelings.

its rare for me to write, but when i do, it always consumes my entire day, every day, untill it is finished. or i get tired of writing it.
this one started out as a concept dealing with demonic possession.. but it turned into something completely different. when i write, i dont really know how the story will go or how the characters react to things untill its actually on the paper. i use alot of my own experiance, situations, and feelings when i write. everytime i put a story on paper, its about 70 percent true/relevent to the real world... thats why this latest story kinda scares me, haha. anyways
my buddy meridianbat helped me alot. that dude is smaaaart! anyone reading this should read just one of his stories, you will see what i mean. :)

the latest story will be up soon for interpretation, if anyone was interested.

i found a freeware that will help me put more personality and color into my drawings!!! its called inkscape, and combined with this avs conversion software i just purchased, there is now nothing that i cannot do! ....provided i can learn how to use inkscape :/

the good news with that is i at least have figured out how to trace and fill in. i cant wait to learn how to shade and add textures! mwahahaha! beware color hunting lurkers, i will not stop untill my art is pro-worthy! i am posting my first attempt at digital color after im done with this journal here.

here goes..
i am determined to leave my old loser self in the dust. this deployment has helped me re-focus on what i need to do and what needs to be done. the first on my list was to get my fat ass into shape and start passing my pt tests again. when i got here, i had a failing pt score of 63-ish (i cant really remember, im so ashamed :( ).. i could barely run a mile, my waist was about 46 inches, and i weighed in at 247 pounds, 3 months later, my pt score is now 82.2, i can bust out 6 miles, my waist is 36.5 inches, and i weigh in at 207. im not going to stop untill i have reached 180 pounds, and pass pt with a 90 or above without worry.
everything else is waiting on my return home... its a lot of little crap that i neglected in my unfocoused and discouraged rambling. but little crap adds up. to the point that im afraid of losing my career.. if only i could have survived long enough to get out of alaska, the center of my issues. its really too bad, i love alaska, its just where i work is the worst place i could have imagined.
the base there is a tight knit community, and if you dont fit in, they find ways to beat you down and finally get you kicked out. when i got there, coming from a base that operated properly, i immediately voiced my concern about some things that i saw going on, and that immediately got me silenced and put in a tiny office (actually it wasnt even an office, it was a training room, and the computer i needed was frequently in use) with all the paperwork that had accumulated in the years that they had spent hunting, fishing, and drinking. there was a good 20 things that i was made in charge of (the work of three people, i find it laughable that they replaced me with that many). i have no idea if i fixed any of the broken programs, or made anything for that matter better over there.. i had no feedback on wether or not the work i was putting out was any good. i tried like hell. i had no real help and i had to learn everything myself. eventually i broke. i gave up on everything. including my health. i didnt want to do anything other than get home and drink (i didnt bother to get out of uniform in those dark days). i didnt want to be in the airforce anymore if it meant i was going to be the bitchboy for the rest of my carreer.

now that i am focused again, and in better shape, the real test of my mettle will be keeping this newfound hope and positive energy flowing. this deployment showed me that there is still right headed and intellegent people in the millitary, its just the base that i was at that was skewing my veiws on the way things worked. im so afraid of returning home. if i had a choice, i would be here years.

lol.
yea, im not mutch of a social-mediaphile. i had a myspace page back when it was popular, but i havent been on that for four years. just not my thing i guess.
im a very internal person, so showing my true colors is hard for me to do, i guess thats allright considering my job and who i am, but it sucks becuase i only have a few people i trust enough with my feelings. luckilly, the internet is a different beast, i can be whomever i want anonymously, and nobody really cares. yes i am lonely, and yes i cant wait to feel love again and hold someone in my arms.. to be able to cry and laugh freely. i miss that.

my relationship with my family is fleeting at best. i havent seen or heard from my mom in 10 years. she is the only one who doesnt know anything about my life right now (and i dont care to tell her...). the rest of my family knows im gay and (thank god) supports me in whatever i do. since i joined, i feel like i am growing farther and farther apart from them, but i feel like im in a better place, and the millitary was a good choice. i used to miss them alot, not so mutch anymore.

i think im going to use this journal as another outlet. partly because i am anonymous here on fa, and partly because you get some feedback from whatever your doing here, be it negative or positive.

there are only a few furs that know me personally, one i have never met, but is my best freind five years strong. another was a yiffmate and boyfreind, the one who changed my life and showed me who i really am (also introduced me to nightwish), we parted ways.. and i still love him, but i havent seen him in so long... there is a small but close gorup of furs in alaska who have only met me fleetingly, but i had one of my social meltdowns and they never saw me again... its sad really, because they are nice people, and i would love to have the experiance again. there are two more now that i think of it. one is in the millitary and the other is canadian, both know me well, but i havent talked to them in a while either.

i am currently deployed right now, i have about three months left. there is someone there who says he is waiting for me (and he thinks it hot that i am furry ^^ ).. i hope things turn out for the better. like i said, id love to hold and be held again.