In my last journal, I talked about how Metlife finally reached a decision regarding my case, and determined that I am in fact, disabled.

What they were supposed to do was send me a bunch of checks right away. But for some reason, there was some piece of information that was wrong, clogging up the pipeline and preventing that money from going out. I called one of the main folks in charge, who has been overseeing my case. They were just as confused as I was. They had no idea why on earth this was happening, and they were absolutely determined to fix it. Frustrated, the case manager put her foot down and told me they'd have this solved tomorrow morning.

And they did! I got a call the next day, with the best news I've heard in a very long time:

"You are good to go, the payments are approved. We will be sending you $9600 in backpay as well as your normal payments until you are better."

I knew they owed me quite a bit, but I did NOT think it was that much! Needless to say, I am absolutely floored.

Obviously this is incredibly good news. Finally I'll be able to breathe! With that, combined with everyone's support, I should be able to safely cover a lot of the medical bills I need to pay, and my rent for many months. On top of that, the additional pay Metlife will be sending me should make sure I don't have to worry about expenses as much. At least until I am healed and able to work.

I'm currently applying for medicaid, and should hopefully have that coverage soon. That should make sure that most of my future medical expenses stay low. Right now I have no insurance at all for a bit, but the wheels are turning and hopefully all goes well.

My only fear in this gap of time where I am uninsured, is that the injections I need might cost an absolute fortune. I'm hoping they don't, or that I can delay things until I'm covered, but we shall see.

Regardless, this is utterly fantastic news! I want to thank everyone for helping me, making sure that I was ok while all of this BS was happening. This should buy me enough time to get a lot of stuff in order, and I'm hoping this is where things turn for the better. I want to make so much stuff for all of you to enjoy!

I'll keep you all posted if anything changes. Thank you again, you all mean so much to me <3

Hello everyone! I hope you are all doing well.

I have some good news!

A few days ago, I reached out to Metlife, asking if they reached their decision regarding my case. After reviewing my medical records, they determined that I am in fact, disabled.

This is good news! This means I will FINALLY get the back pay I am owed. I wanted to wait until I had the check in my hands to tell you all about this, because at this point, I'm paranoid about everything going wrong at any moment. However, I didn't want to withhold good news, so I figured I would let you all know.

The outpouring of support has been incredible. Someone over on my Ko-Fi donated a whopping $2000. I still can't believe it. The generosity is so overwhelmingly kind, that I can barely process it. With everyone's donations combined, I'll have enough for my rent this month, and at least one upcoming procedure. If I get my Metlife checks in a timely manner, it should all add up to a stable amount. I won't be drowning in bills!

I want to thank you all again so much for the incredible support you've given to me. I can never say it enough. It's been tremendously stressful over here, but I feel like I can breathe at least a little bit. Thank you for helping me get through this. Thank you SO much.

I'll post another update once I actually get those checks, because again, I'm terrified that something stupid will go wrong at any moment. Here's hoping it won't.

In other news, I've been working on a bunch of stuff. I'm FINALLY getting some of those long overdue sketch page commissions done! I've finished about 2 of them, which isn't a lot, but it's progress! Things are moving! If you've been waiting for yours, stay tuned, I'll be reaching out to you soon.

I've been exploring my musical passions too, trying my hand at composing something "from scratch." It's going very well and I'm quite proud of the results. That should be up and available relatively soon.

Oh! AND I'm back on gamedev stuff! I've been struggling, and it's been terrible because GameMaker Studio 2 sucks, but I'm slowly wrangling it into something playable. No ETA on that but I've been wanting to kick my ass in gear and get something done.

Again, thank you all so so soooo much for everything. You are all the reason I'm here at all, and It means the world to me that anyone cares about anything I do. Thank you <3

It took me all morning, and caused a pretty bad panic attack, but I got it done. I've taken everyone's advice and started a GoFundMe: https://gofund.me/62241da19

A few days ago, I lost my job. I was officially fired. This means that at the end of the month, I'm going to lose my insurance. When that happens, I'll be in serious trouble. I won't be able to pay for the medical tests that we need to get done. I need them in order to heal, and so that we have a solid case in court.

This is on top of the dental stuff I need done, AND some additional bills that decided to spring up at the worst possible time.

I have never been more stressed than I am now. It's gotten to the point where I can't think straight. My brain has completely shut down, and I am struggling to function. I-I do not know what I'm going to do, or what is going to happen, but I don't think it's going to be good. I'm trying my best to hang in there, I'm so sorry for all of this.

If you can't donate, that is absolutely okay. Spreading the word does waaay more than you'd think. And do not feel bad if your donation is a smaller amount. Every single bit helps tremendously and means a lot to me. But don't overextend either, things are really rough right now. PLEASE take care of yourself first before you worry about me. I don't want anyone doing anything they can't afford.

Thank you all for your love and support.

Now for complete tonal whiplash: Here is a silly video I made BEFORE my brain stopped working. I hope it makes you giggle. It is very dumb. I don't want to just bum you out or stress you, so I hope this cheers you up a bit.
https://youtu.be/BZsSSYDDQAQ

A friend of mine needs some help getting their bank account out of the red, so they're opening for commissions! They're offering digital commissions for $30, and traditional for $20. If you're interested please DM them over at https://www.furaffinity.net/user/skylight22/

They like drawin big and round gorls, prefer clean stuff, and don't do fatal vore, so please keep that in mind.

Now for some updates:

I have been waiting to hear back from the insurance company before making any big decisions regarding a GoFundMe. They've been analyzing my case to determine if I'm actually injured or not, which is absurd because my recent MRI showed bulges in my spine. We're narrowing it down, slowly figuring out exactly what's wrong with my body, and if the theory is right, it's going to make things weird and complicated very fast. I have a suspicion that I have titanium poisoning, as I worked in a factory where we manufactured titanium implants. Anyway, I'm waiting on the insurance company because they're supposed to give me a ton of back pay if I am approved. It won't be a ridiculous amount but it is enough to pay my rent and cover a few bills. I wanted to wait so I would have a better idea of what the goal or budget would be. However, things are not moving at a fast pace, and it might be quite a while before they make their decision. They also are most likely going to reject me, which is absolutely absurd given the evidence. If they do reject me, I'm going to be screwed out of thousands of dollars. I'm being hit with every bill in the world right now, and everything is getting overwhelming at an incredibly fast rate. So sadly it seems like I'm going to have to make that GoFundMe a lot sooner then I anticipated. I really don't want to have to do it which is why I put it off, but I'm going to have to make a decision in the next few days.

I've been really struggling mentally. For the obvious reasons yes, but also because of my struggles with art. I'm discovering just how fucking slow I am at drawing and it's to a point where it's just not sustainable. I have to figure out a healthy way to speed up my process so that I can actually get things done in a reasonable amount of time. It's been really stressful and I feel very useless as an artist. On top of the restrictions my body has been undergoing, it has been really difficult on me. I wanted to spam more uploads but I just haven't done so yet. That will resume sometime soon though. I have a lot of stuff that hasn't been uploaded. The good news is I'm trying, and I'm actually drawing again. I'm working on stuff, things are getting made, and I'm exploring other creative avenues as well. I've been diving into making music again and that has been extremely fun. Though I feel bad working on music when there's so much art to do...

Anyway, I just wanted to keep you all up to date on what's going on. I'll try to have positive news as soon as I can but it seems like things are about to get pretty wild. My lawyer and I are in for a ride if this turns into an OSHA violation. I'm going to try my best, I want to do so many things for you guys. I have so many ideas in my head that I want to get out but I have to figure out a way to do them in a reasonable amount of time. So stay tuned, I hope I can make some stuff that makes you smile.

UPDATE 2/25/26:
Everyone has been so unbelievably kind to me. Within 24 hours so many people have pitched in to help me. Because of that, I have enough to cover my rent for this month. I still do not feel like I deserve it, but... I'm trying to get my brain to accept the kindness I am given. I really, REALLY appreciate all the generosity and love that people have been sending my way. I am blown away every time and I cannot thank you enough. Every single donation, no matter how big or small, has helped tremendously. Spreading the word has helped immensely as well. I really appreciate everyone's feedback and suggestions, and I think I'm going to follow that advice. I'm going to take stock of things and look into starting a GoFundMe. I love you all so much, I really just.... I can't express my gratitude enough. Thank you. I'm not quite out of the woods yet, but I am certainly out of the worst, and most pressing issue. I will keep you all updated as things progress.

---

I wanted to take care of things myself. I wanted to do the YCH, then carefully take a few commissions, so I could pay my bills. I didn't want to ask anything more from y'all ever again. I hate it. I hate doing it. I feel like the worst piece of shit ever when I have to ask you for money. I do not want to do it again. I tried really hard so I wouldn't have to.

But I'm slow as shit, and I had so many physical issues, that nothing got done on schedule. My back started to act up worse than it ever has during this entire ordeal. I can't sit in my office chair anymore. Doing so hurts me. I type this from my couch, at a jank setup plugged into my TV. It hurts, and my wrists hate it, but it's better than getting nothing at all done. I'm working so hard on the YCH, but I'm so detail oriented that it takes fucking forever to finish anything. I'm a slow artist, and it hurts every aspect of what I do.

I don't have enough money for rent. I have practically no money at all, and what I do have is about to be taken.

• Today I am getting the final root canal done. I then have to get a crown, which is going to cost me about $600.
• I have to get an MRI this Friday on my lower spine and hips, which will be around $300.
• My rent is about $1400 a month, with an additional $120 in bills.
• I have to replace my office chair as soon as I can, so I have proper back support.

This one isn't as important, but I do want to mention it for full transparency: Anthrocon hotel booking is also coming up soon. Ages ago when I registered, long before this shit happened, I fucked up and got a sponsor level because I thought it would mean earlier access to hotel booking. It didn't. I obviously don't NEED to go to AC. I can just eat that cost. Rent and fuckin food is way more important. I just wanted to mention it because its another money related thing that has added to my stress levels.

I did my taxes the other day, and last year I paid about $8000 in medical bills. Most of that towards the back end where all of this started.

I have nothing left. I feel at a lower low than I ever thought possible. It hurts extra hard this time because I am SO close to getting my shit together. I have price sheets in the works, art in the pipeline, and a plan for how to do all of this in a relatively healthy way. But the insurance company started to "investigate" my case, and this postponed the payments that they are supposed to give me. I haven't been paid in a month, and if my doctors don't find out what is wrong, I could be denied and lose everything.

I'm not ok. I'm really not ok. I've never been so stressed, angry, or depressed, in my entire life. I feel insane. I'm doubting my own body's feelings because the doctors keep making me feel like I'm not hurt. They make me doubt my own pain, and I can't think straight. I feel like giving up. I want to scream and cry. I want to tear everything apart. I'm so tired, I'm so so tired.

I hate writing these journals. I hate talking about how I feel. I hate that this is my life all the damn time. I don't want to be a bummer. I don't want to annoy you with my problems. I don't want to beg, and I don't want to make what is already a stupidly dark time even darker. Shit sucks and is so hard for everyone right now. I feel like I'm being selfish for this. People have literally died and I'm complaining that my hands hurt. I don't feel like I have the right to be upset. I feel like this is all my fault. Like I should just give up, go back to work, get hurt more, then be fired. I just want to curl up and die.

I need help. I need help one last time. I'd rather die than do this again, but I have no choice. I don't want to take and take and take from this community that I love so much. It makes me so deeply upset. But I don't have a choice. I have nowhere else to turn, and I don't know what to do.

TLDR:
I can't pay my bills and I don't know what else to do. If you want to help me out, you can donate to my Ko-Fi here: https://ko-fi.com/pieman

I should start a gofundme or something but I feel such shame in all of this that I probably won't. So... for now, Ko-Fi is the best method.

I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I am trying so hard. I'm not going to give up, I'm going to keep trying to make things work, to stabilize my life. But god I am so sorry that I have to ask for help yet again. I love you all and I feel like I'm abusing my audience. I want to give back so much. I promise I'm going to try my best and I'm going to post SOMETHING very very soon, I just... god I'm so sorry... I'm going to stop typing now.

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/63978104

I wanted to celebrate the holiday with my favorite cartoon skunk, and I have some rather large bills coming up. I figured a YCH was a good way to help pay for some of those bills. I also thought that this would be good practice, help ease me back into the process of doing art for folks. It took a lot out of me to get this ready in time, I hope you like it!

I am currently working on and finalizing my new prices. I will be posting those relatively soon, as well as opening limited slots during streams. The art will be limited to the streams for a while, until I get my footing and finish other owed works. Ill be INCREDIBLY careful with what I do and do not take. I'm going to be going glacially, one com at a time, during specific circumstances, to make sure I don't burn out again. I am hopeful that it will go well.

If you want to help me out during this weird time, please consider bidding on the auction. I am very proud of it so far. ^^

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/63978104

So much has happened so fast.

I've been on medical leave for about 6 months now. I pinched 3 nerves in my neck while at work, causing the nerve pain in my hands to relapse. I tried to get worker's comp to help with the medical bills, but it snowballed into an unending nightmare of medical malpractice. It has been the most dehumanizing, infuriating, and costly experiences I have ever gone through.

During this experience, I have been told multiple times by multiple orthopedic doctors that I am fine. That nothing is wrong with me, and that I'm making all of this up. But they still want to operate on me, because that makes absolutely no sense. There have been exactly 3 people during all of this that have treated me like a human: My main practitioner, my physical therapist, and my lawyer. Being told constantly that there are 5 lights, when there are in fact 4, has been horrific to a degree I can't explain. In my frustration, I decided "you know what? If my hands are fine, then fuck you. I'm going to act like they're normal and see what happens. I'm going to start drawing again."

So I did. And you know what happened?

My hands hurt. They shake. They spasm. I drop things they shouldn't. My hands are the strongest part of my body, but I can't hold even a piece of paper without shaking. This pain is real. Something IS wrong with my body. This is NOT what was happening before.

But despite the pain, despite the stress, despite everything: I started drawing again.

With my CPAP machine helping my brain get the oxygen it needs, it has restored my ability to feel emotion again. I remembered why I liked drawing so much. It just FEELS good. I feel what I draw, this connection to the ideas and characters, just... this indescribable energy that is such a joy to experience.

I pushed through the pain, and I drew and drew. I've been pushing through that burnout, making things again, and enjoying the process as I do. And while It hurts, I just don't care. I'm making things again. It feels good.

It was during all of this that another tragedy befell not just me, but our entire community.

 The_Hookaloof passed away.

One moment, Lia was there, encouraging me to continue creating. Making me feel special by deciding to take time out of her day to speak to ME of all people.

The next, she was gone.

We had just talked. I was wishing her a Merry Christmas, and thanking her for giving me the time of day. I told her how much her kindness, and our conversations, meant to me. Her reply was the last thing she ever said to me. "It is a delight to be kind to nice, talented people like yourself."

Lia's passing has hit me really hard. It's hitting me harder than any other death I've experienced. I've not wept this much over the loss of anyone else in my life, nor felt so much agony. I have completely broken down multiple times, including now as I write this. We weren't even that close, I didn't know her as well as some of my other friends did. But I think that's why it hurts so much.

After  SpottedSqueak passed away, I made an effort to be more social. Fomo was so important to my circle of friends. We knew so many of the same people. I could have knocked on that door at any time and gotten to know him. But I didn't. I never wanted to regret that ever again. I never wanted to let my anxiety or shyness stop me from getting to know the wonderful people in our community. That tragedy was what pushed me to speak to people like Lia.

I'm so glad I did. I am so unbelievably thankful that I did. This pain is worth it. It hurts so fucking much, for so many reasons, but every moment of joy was worth the absolute agony I feel now. I don't know what could have been as time went on, as our friendship grew. It was just starting to bud. But I know it WAS there. I am so eternally thankful that she was my friend, if even for a moment.

I can't express enough how much this has hurt. I feel bad hurting as much as I do. I feel bad being so upset, like my sorrow is somehow invalidating the tears of those who were way closer to her than I was. I feel like I somehow don't have the right to be THIS distraught over her passing. But... It really has hit me in a way no other loss has before. My current medical nightmare probably has a lot to do with it.

What is happening to me medically, combined with the tragic loss of my friend, has broken me. I'm probably going to lose my job not long after I return, and I don't have enough money for next month's rent. Everything from a personal to global scale is a nightmare that just keeps getting worse. It keeps building and building, and I can't take it anymore. It's all twisting together, forming this strange new road that I am being forced onto, a road that is moments away from taking a hard turn. I can't see around the corner, and I can't stop moving along the tracks. My life is moving me on whether I'm ready or not. Every single part of my being is telling me that things are about to change in a big way. The worst part is that I don't know how.

But what I do know is this:

All that has happened to me in the last 6 months has forced me to learn a lesson. One that I thought I knew, but I didn't LEARN it.

Every single day you wake up is a blessing. At any time, god could decide it's time, and take you home. Every single second we spend on this earth is special, and nothing matters more than our connection to others. The impact we leave on each other and our community is so much more important than anything else. The time we are given is finite and I've wasted three fucking years of it.

I don't care anymore about anything else. I would rather be poor, working my ass off, tired, in pain, and struggling to make ends meet every day, than be away from this fandom again for another minute. I don't want to have any more friends or loved ones leave this earth before they get to see me succeed. I have so many amazing friends with such incredible skills and talents. I want to make them proud of me. I want to feel like I've earned the praise I receive. I want to make things that are important to people, and I want to have an impact on our community again.

I've been in this fandom for 15 years. I have been blessed with a sizeable audience of people who enjoy the things I make. I have been given unbelievable levels of support and charity from so many people. I would quite literally not be alive if it was not for the furry fandom. There are artists who I look up to, who inspired me to pick up a pencil in the first place, that now are my close friends. I have so, SO much because of you.

I feel like I haven't earned a single bit of it.

But I'm tired of feeling that way. I want to give back what my depression and burn out took away from this fandom many years ago: Me.

That... sounds self aggrandizing, but what I mean is: I feel like I haven't been myself for a very long time. I have been letting my mental illness, others who don't actually care about me, and societal expectations, twist me away from doing what I love. I want to be an artist, a game designer, a creator of things that matter to people. But I can't DO that if I don't get off my ass and try. The hardest part is starting.

My life is about to fall apart and reform into something else. I believe that my next course of action is to finally pull the trigger and do something that I've been scared to do for years: Going full time into my art again.

If I could work a job that did not hurt my body, payed decently, and gave me enough free time to pursue my artistic endeavors, I absolutely would. It would be far easier than depending 100% on my art. While I will still look into that, I don't exactly have high hopes. The United States sucks shit and it's hell over here, so I'm not expecting to find anything that suits my particular needs. I made a lot of mistakes the last time I depended on my art, but I have learned from those mistakes and I (hopefully) know how to do things correctly this time. It's going to suck in a lot of ways, and it's going to be incredibly hard work, but I feel like it's what I need to do.

I have a return to work date of March 2nd. I have exactly one month to get my art infrastructure back up and running. I will be starting this process by finally finishing the damn sketch commissions I've owed for like 3 years. Not a day goes by where I don't feel like shit for not getting those done. It's time to make good on my promises and obligations. In addition, my galleries will be reorganized, my prices will update, and I will slowly ease back into accepting commissions. However, things will be very different than before.

I am going to be pushing myself HARD. This is a pivotal point in my life. I have to do this. I have to make things work. I'm terrified about doing so, I feel doubt and stress unlike anything I've ever felt before. But I also know that things are going to change whether I want them to or not. I have an opportunity to grab the reins of my life and pull things back on track. It's going to be hard, but it'll be far more fulfilling than what I've been doing before.

I've been rambling a lot here, I hope any of this makes sense, and I thank you all for reading through it. Everything is about to change, and I'm going to do my best to make sure that it is in a good direction. I cannot thank you all enough for the support and love you show me. I WILL make you proud. I'm going to do my damn best.

I've been teaching myself how to make music. I started by doing a cover of "Endless Possibility" from Sonic Unleashed. I think it turned out pretty good for a first try. I hope you like it!

https://youtu.be/bDKhWE5BxTY

Now, for some updates:

Things have been really bad and sucky in general. Not just for me, but for everyone. So I really, REALLY don't wanna add to that stress with the BS I've been going through. I'll make this brief.

I've been seeing a lot of specialists regarding my hands and back. However, we keep hitting the lottery for "shitty doctors who don't care about the patient." So far, every single doctor they've sent me to has been a massive dickhead. They've been rude to me, they've been half asleep and not wanting to talk to me, they've insulted my psyche, and stupidest of all, they've quite literally, no exaggeration, said to me: "Nothing is wrong with you. Let's operate."

Like what the fuck. All my general practitioner and myself want, is for someone to identify what the fuck is wrong with my hands, and give us a damn name, so we can pursue what comes next. I don't even care if its debilitating or not. I just want to know what the hell is going on.

These people have seriously said to my face "you're lying, you're making this up, you're not hurt, but lets do physical therapy and an operation." FOR WHAT?? Like if nothing's wrong, WHY do they keep suggesting we operate?? I'm so fuckin frustrated with it. I haven't been treated like a human by practically any of these "professionals," and it has done significant harm to my mental health. It's been ROUGH. I feel like a crazy person. I draw, have my hands hurt a ton, then get told "nah you're lying, you're not in pain." I've never been so gaslit in my whole damn life, and I just want to scream. It's like nobody gives a single shit and I'm so mad about it.

I have no idea what's going to happen after the return to work deadline hits. I have no idea how me and my doctor are going to navigate this. Regardless of what happens, it won't be good. I'm going to get absolutely screwed out of everything, and lose thousands of dollars in medical bills. I'm so stressed out by it that I have to take one day at a time. Do only what is immediately in front of me. Otherwise I'll shut down. It's awful, and I hate it. I wish I had good news, but living in the USA is hell, so we can't have good things.

BUT THERE IS POSITIVE NEWS:

In reaction to all this BS, I said to myself, "ok, sure! Alright! If I'm not hurt, let me draw and do everything as normal then. Fuck you." So I did. I started drawing again. I started doing WAY more art projects in general sense I've been out of work. I've been doing a TON of shit. Do my hands and back hurt? Oh 100% it fuckin sucks. I will turn the next person who tells me I'm not hurt into dust. BUT it's motivated me to get off my damn ass and finally start doing things again. Slowly but surely, I'm getting back into the swing of making things.

If you've been waiting for me to post things, waiting for me to do anything in general for a long time, I'm happy to say that your wait is almost over. For Christmas, my very sweet friend  BeaverBubbles gave me a dedicated scanner that I had my eyes on. This thing is nuts, and can scan images in VERY high resolutions. I'm going to use this to scan and upload a shit ton of stuff. This will be part of finishing the biggest task I've been wanting to do for ages: Completely reorganize and re-manage my computer, database, and art galleries.

Shit is going to start moving soon. Now that I've got my two big projects out of the way, I can focus on getting my shit together in more ways than one. I do have another video in the works, but it's not the current priority.

I plan on doing a lot of stuff to make up for the lack of posting and activity. I want to swing back in a big way. I'm motivated by not only a desire to make things in general, but now also spite. I don't care anymore. Life sucks and is too short, I'm gonna do what I want. I'll talk more about this another time, but for now, just know that there's a LOT goin on in this fox brain of mine.

I need to stop rambling so I will leave you with this: Soon I will be scanning and uploading an art pack containing the very first vore drawings I ever did. I used to draw kinky stuff on lil notebook pages, then hide them away in a shoe box. This was waaaay back, many years ago before I even had my DeviantArt. Stuff from before I even posted online. I'm going to call it something like the "origins pack." I want to share with you all my really bad but completely sincere art, because I think that's a neat thing to do. I also plan on making it free.

If you got sketch commissions from me many years ago, you'll get your art very soon. That has been something I think about EVERY single day. I really do, and I hate how long its taken me to finish them. I'm gonna make good on all this shit and I'm going to make you smile and aaaaaaaaaa

Love yall <3

I've been working very hard on this new video, and I'm quite proud of how it turned out. It's a compilation of glitches my friends and I ran into during Chapter 6 of Fortnite, and how the game keeps devolving into worse and worse states as seasons pass. It's a comedy video with funny stuffs in there, but It's also showing some genuine problems I have with the game. I hope it is entertaining and I hope you like it, I am quite proud of the ending in particular.

https://youtu.be/f-8hNwD1ogY

I also uploaded another video, one I made for my friend Fooly. I've been playing games with him for many years, and I recently rediscovered all my old PS4 clips while sorting my hard drives. I put together a lil compilation to make him laugh, and he liked it so much that he requested I upload it. So here it is as well if you wish to see some olllld ass footage of us being stupid <3

https://youtu.be/mE9Vh2vVzPg

In terms of life updates, things are... not great? Still very stressed over my injury stuff, my body's general health/condition, and the stability of my job. I don't really have much new information to report at this moment, so... I'll update y'all soon when I get some.

Regardless, thank you all so so much for your support. There's a lot of stuff in the works, so you'll be seeing gallery restructuring and uploads hopefully soon. I have so much I want to do. I want to make you all very happy, so I'm gonna do my best <3

Today is my 30th Birthday.

I have been feeling... so many strange ways lately.

I am still dealing with the injury from my work stuff. My hands have been bothering me a lot, but now my lower back is a bigger concern. It's in constant pain and discomfort, I can barely sit in my computer chair. I've been undergoing a ton of tests and exams, and nobody can figure out what is wrong with me. I've never felt more crazy in my life, so many people telling me that something isn't wrong with me, despite clearly feeling something painful. I've had to be on top of everything too, constantly calling people to make sure that they're doing their jobs properly, because our health care in this country is abysmal. I almost lost my job the other day because of that. Its going to take me months to get in to see all the doctors I need to see, and I can't seek physical therapy until we know what is wrong because of medical, financial, and legal reasons. So the whole situation has had my brain just... beyond stressed out.

However: I have been able to keep my spirits... well not high, but not in the gutter, because of two major factors: All of you, and the fact that I CAN draw again.

My hands may be screwed up, and I am still feeling pains I've not felt in years. BUT I can still draw for a decent chunk of time without hurting. Honestly its more the restless pain in my lower back that is stopping me from sitting and drawing all day. I have been forcing myself to draw again. I have been doing it for ME, indulging myself in things that I want to see, drawing deeply personal feelings, kinks and fantasies. It... has felt unreal. I forgot just how good it feels to... FEEL what you're drawing when doing it. I forgot the artist's power to connect with what you're making, and feel things not easily described. I just wish I didn't have problems focusing. I probably have ADHD, I get into an idea very passionately for a bit, then something else grabs my attention and my entire mood shifts. This makes it hard to finish stuff when I'm already very slow at drawing. But ALL THE NEGATIVE ASIDE: I do really feel wonderful being able to feel through my art again. There's some fun stuff on the way. The moment I get the rust off I'm going to FINALLY finish those commissions.

If I didn't have all of you, didn't have this fandom, didn't have the unbelievable amount of support and kindness you all show me, I don't know what I would do. Everyone has been so understanding and loving, showing kindness I don't think I deserve. My friends, acquaintances, even the quiet lurkers or occasional commenters, all lift me up and make me feel like I haven't completely ruined my life or career. I want to make people happy with stuff I enjoy, and I am happy that people are happy to see me do that. I-it just means so much to me.

Turning 30 has made me reflect on a lot of stuff. Primarily, how I feel like my life hasn't started yet. There are so many things I want to do. So many things I am incredibly passionate about, that I feel like I was put on this earth to do. But my medical and life issues keep getting in the way. I barely have time to breathe. I am so passionate about making games, its been my dream sense I was little to make games that mean something to someone, but I haven't started on that at all. So... I've been forcing myself to do that too. I have to start sometime. I have to do SOMETHING. Otherwise nothing will EVER happen. I've been forcing myself to learn the Unreal engine. It's been kicking my ass, but it is not going nowhere. I have something very simple right now, something very basic, but I have SOMETHING, and I'm going to keep poking at it until I'm good enough to make my dream game. I'll be doing simple stuff, releasing simple games, building up the skills I need. I've also been learning FLStudio. I've been a musician for most of my life, only stopping my percussion stuff after my arm surgery in like 2014. But I've always wanted to pick it up again, and try composing. I'm heavily inspired by folks like Em Essex, and seeing the cool shit FNF modders have been doing makes me want to try my hand at it too. I also had a really, REALLY good drum teacher that I respect tremendously, and I don't want his teachings to go to waste. I'm slowly gaining new powers, and while it is probably going to be a while before you see any of it, it IS in the works.

I'm too old, too tired, and too sickly to waste anymore time NOT doing the things I wanna do with my life. I may be poor and on the edge of mental collapse almost constantly, but I have to push through it. I have to do what my brain wants to do. Even if its rambling about the IDW Sonic comics for like 3 hours in a video I'm working on now. I have recently realized that my "pieman" username is fitting for me, because I'm constantly putting my fingers into every pie I can, learning every type of art, skill, and interest I can, because I want to MAKE things. But I need to learn how to properly budget the limited time I have, how to use it wisely. I plan on doing so many things, and I want to make all of you proud.

Thank you all for being the reason I'm alive. I don't think I would have even reached 30 without this fandom. I want to do great things, and I'm doing my best to make em happen. Thank you for cheering me on through these hard times.

Love y'all lots. <3

I meant to post this earlier, but things got away from me.

I wanted to thank you all so much for the outpouring of support. I... I still can't really process it properly. Folks have been so very kind, spreading the word of my situation, donating, its been nuts. There have been so many donations, so many BIG donations, that I will be able to pay another month of rent and bills. I'll at least be able to stay afloat for a month longer, thanks to all of you. Thank you all so much for everything. I can't say it enough. This community never ceases to amaze me with its kindness. I feel like I don't deserve it, but so many folks care and I just... my depressive brain doesn't know how to handle it, doesn't know how accept how amazing all of you are.

I'm going to do everything I can to land on my feet. I want to be stable and okay, healthy and happy, so I can draw again. I want to give back to y'all SO badly. I want to create SO badly, but sadly, it's going to take time... The law moves slowly, this process moves slowly, and I can't even see a doctor for a physical exam until mid October. It's going to be really, REALLY hard, and I am still stressed out of my mind, but I'll get through it. I'm gonna do my absolute best.

When I get through this, I'm going to go absolutely NUTS with the stuff I make. I wanna give back to this community so badly. I've already started working on what I can, which isn't much, but it's keeping my brain occupied. Stuff is coming, so stay tuned.

Thank you all again, I love you all dearly, and I hope I can make you all proud.

I am so tired of making journals like this.

I hate, HATE being a downer all the time. I finally start to get comfortable, and then something completely out of my control goes catastrophically wrong. Somehow it gets worse each time. Good lord why is my luck like this?

So... last month I suffered an injury while at work: I pinched 3 nerves in my spine by just sitting in a chair and fiddling with my hands. After a year of repetitive motion, bending my arms in weird ways, sitting at a microscope, my shitty spine finally broke again. I started to feel nerve pain in my right arm, pain that I hadn't felt in over a decade. The same pain I had a major surgery to fix. I immediately rushed to the doctor, and that's when I was hit with all those medical bills.

Overwhelmed and in pain, I had no choice but to pursue worker's comp. Doing so has been an absolute fucking nightmare. I have never been more stressed in my entire life. The pressure of everything was almost too much for me. It still is. I won't mince words, my mental health has never been more dire. I'm not going to hurt myself, but I've gotten real close. The thought has occurred way more than I am comfortable with.

I am so unbelievably stressed, because I am quite literally going to lose everything I have built up over the past year. I can't go to work anymore, my arm and hand hurt so regularly that I can barely type this. My workplace has been liquidating employees, so there is absolutely no way they're going to keep me on board after all of this. Especially not after I take their insurance company to court. Yes, I was denied the worker's comp. Yes, the reason was absolutely insane, shady, and complete bullshit. Thank god I pursued a lawyer before it got to that point. I will win the lawsuit, and ironically, the company will have to pay me MORE than they did if they just gave me the Worker's Comp, but that doesn't make it any less stressful.

I am about to lose my income, my insurance, and soon, my home. I won't be able to pay my rent. I won't be able to buy food. I won't be able to do fucking anything because I can't even DRAW right now. My damn hand hurts so badly, and of course it does so right now when my mind can FINALLY feel again. I've never been more motivated or determined to make things in my life. I have so many ideas I want to create, but I can't physically do them because my body doesn't work. It's a living hell.

I will be doing all that I can to stay afloat, I'm trying to get short term disability or unemployment right now, so that I at least have SOME money to survive. But its going to get real bad, REAL fast. Its never been worse than it is right now. I am actively looking into long term disability as well. A positive of being denied WC is that I can go to any doctors I want again without restriction. I've been taking a bunch of tests to determine my chance at getting some sort of disability assistance. I can get back to that process, but I have to act fast before I get fired and lose my insurance.

Again, I hate, HATE how often I complain here. How often I yell into the void, and bother you people with my stupid problems. I feel like a piece of shit because of how I'm unable to do anything but ask for help near constantly. Nobody is more frustrated by all of this than I am. I want to draw for you, I want to take commissions, I want to do so much, but I physically can't right now. So I have no choice but to once again ask for any assistance you can provide.

I have to buy enough time to fix my injury. If I can get my arm/hand working again, I can at least finish up the art I owe, and restart how I handle commissions. Do it right this time. But sadly, physical therapy takes a LOT of time and a LOT of money that I just do not have. I know everyone is suffering right now. Shit is worse right now than it has ever been. So please, don't feel guilty about not being able to give or help. PLEASE make sure YOU are okay first. I don't want anyone to hinder themselves for my sake. But if you are able, I would greatly appreciate any help you can provide. If not financial, spreading the word helps more than you can imagine.

This is going to sound... very dumb, and make me look like an asshole, but it's true: If you want an easy way to support me, you can follow my Twitch channel. I actually get paid for the things I do over there. Not a lot, but it is SOMETHING. Even just having the tab open in another window while you do something else goes a long way. I can barely play video games right now with these hands, but its at least something I can do to give back to you, something that you can enjoy as a direct result of your support. I make stuff on YouTube too, but I DO NOT get paid there. I refuse to monetize my videos. YouTube wouldn't give me practically anything anyway, and the ads would make your viewing experience worse. So I just don't do it. All of that is to say: Peeking at my dumb streams does genuinely help me a lot, and while I feel like a dickhead advertising it in a journal like this, I have to share every support method possible. Shit's too dire right now.

I am so sorry it's always like this. I am so endlessly frustrated by it. I want to give you guys EVERYTHING. I wanna make the dopest shit possible for you, from videogames to dumb horny doodles of Bunnicula. I want to make SO much, and I am almost there. This is just... an impossibly large hurdle that I have to get past.

Direct donations via Ko-Fi: https://ko-fi.com/pieman

Support via ad revenue, followers, subscribers, and direct donations on Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/pieman24601

And it doesn't support me financially but maybe I can at least entertain you with this video I put up recently:
https://youtu.be/ZztVzvgjNl4

Thank you all for always putting up with me, for supporting me, for being kind to me. I don't know how I can ever repay what this community has done for my life. I love you all very much.

This morning at work, I listened to a podcast that  Caudle was on a few years ago: The Sewers of Paris. It made me think about... quite a lot of things, and I had a few important revelations.

I've had a lot on my mind lately. As my 30th birthday rapidly approaches, and I look back on my life so far, I feel... like an utter failure. I feel so... disconnected from the community I once had, from the joy the furry fandom used to fill me with. I'm so burned out on something that I used to love, that I was passionate about, and it absolutely breaks my heart. Ever sense I hit my breaking point a few years ago, and stopped drawing all together for the most part, I have felt... so... lost. I don't know where I'm going. I feel so empty, so devoid of passion, and utterly directionless.

I've been trying to identify WHY I feel this way. A lot of it was probably from my previous depression meds literally making me feel nothing, and my undiagnosed sleep apnea. But now that those things are taken care of, I should be feeling better. But... I don't. I'm not fixing the underlying problem. I've been struggling to identify what that underlying problem even is.

But today, while listening to Caudle talk, a bunch of puzzle pieces I've been setting up in my brain for a while now just... clicked together. It makes sense to me now.

I don't know what I want, and I feel directionless, because I've not properly explored what I want. I'm not making things I want to make. This is going to sound a bit... odd, but the problem is that I'm not being selfish enough.

What on earth do I mean by this?

I think the best way to explain, is by talking about something I created that I care about very deeply. A character you all adore, who's been terribly absent for the past few years: Sarah Vixen.

Sarah is... SO important to me. In some ways, she's more important to me than my own fursona. Sarah is the personification of my muse, a representation of my desires, what I desperately crave in life. She's a way to explore my feelings, a way to explore my kinks and interests, in a safe, kind, motherly, self indulgent fantasy. She's this... other side of myself. She behaves similar to me, but with no filters, with no limits, no problems. She's just... this utter embodiment of love and joy. She IS what the furry fandom is to me: A larger than life, snuggly ball of joy, powerful and pretty, who loves you dearly, and might also maybe eat you sometimes.

For a long time now, it has been... incredibly difficult, if nigh impossible for me to imagine her. I used to be able to think of her quite vividly, imagining scenarios and escapist fantasies that I could almost FEEL. Drawing her felt like I was reaching into that other world that I wished I could be in. She just... lived in my brain. It's hard to describe. But the point is: I pretty much entirely lost that feeling. I couldn't draw her correctly, couldn't remember how to. I couldn't visualize her in my head. I barely RP'd with her, barely used her at all in anything. I stopped using her for her intended purpose: Exploring my furry interests.

As I kept doing things I didn't really want to, kept forcing myself to draw and pump out art, I lost sight of her, lost sight of what I wanted. I never really knew what I wanted to do, not in specifics anyway. I have dreams, I want to make video games that really matter to people, but I don't have a specific idea that I've been thinking about forever or anything like that. The same goes for my furry OCs and their world. I don't have an elaborate or thought out world, nor a story that I want to tell, I just knew that I wanted to explore what made me feel good inside. I wanted to explore what resonated with me, what made me feel imaginary sensations in my mind, and share those feelings with others through my art. But I pushed myself too hard, I didn't take care of myself, and I lost sight of that.

As I listened to Caudle passionately talk about their interests, inspirations, and experiences, I realized what was missing from my art.

Me.

I don't think I've drawn anything that I've wanted to draw, that made me feel ways that I wanted to explore, in years.

And it's like... "Well duh! Obviously you should make what you want to make!" And... yes, I knew this, but I didn't LEARN it. Sometimes you can know a lesson, hear advice, know the best thing to do, but think for whatever reason that it doesn't apply to you. Sometimes you really need to have that lesson bashed into your skull until it sticks.

If I'm not enjoying what I'm doing, how on earth can anyone else? Art is an expression of inner feelings that you want to express to others through abstraction and interpretation. Yes, even kink art. ESPECIALLY kink art. I didn't draw Krystal as a naga back in the DeviantArt days because I was obliged to, I did that because I WANTED to, because that idea made me feel something good that I wanted to share. I should know this lesson. I DID know this lesson. But again, I didn't LEARN it.

I... need to let myself be me. I need to remember that the furry fandom isn't just "look cool animal" its a way to express your true self, your desires, your kinks, your dreams, no matter how weird or esoteric. It became so robotic for me, so formulaic, a way to survive during a very dark time, that it lost what made it special: The human element. We may be drawin funny animals, but it's the deepest form of expressing the human experience. It has no limits, no rules, no judgement.

I have terrible anxiety, I fear that making things that are self indulgent will be looked down upon, hated, or come back to bite me in some way. Like I'm currently making a video about Mimic the Octopus from IDW's Sonic the Hedgehog comics, but I also REALLY wanna draw myself maybe giving him a lil kiss. I worry that people who don't like the video will try to use my kinks and interests against me, to hurt me. But like... this is the furry fandom, that's what dickheads have been doing to us sense the inception. I can't let other's perceptions of what is normal or weird stop me from exploring things that make me feel real, genuine emotion. Especially not nowadays, when everything is so vapid and irony poisoned that caring about things is deemed "cringe" and stupid.

I'm almost 30. I've learned that people don't just tell you things like "believe in yourself" or "if you try, you can do anything" because they think it sounds nice or something like that. They're telling you these things because they desperately want you to internalize them. Art from my upbringing, art from the modern day, weather it be games or movies, shitty or a magnum opus, want you to feel an idea and apply it to your life, so you can live a better existence. I have crippling anxiety, terrible social skills, and depression up the ass, so it is REALLY hard for me to let myself feel like I deserve to or even CAN apply these lessons to my life. But like... we're all just people. None of us know what the fuck we're doing here. Even If we pretend real good, we are all fumbling our way through life. We're all doing what we believe is right, and trying to share our experiences with others so that they can live better lives too. Even if we're trying to convey a message as simple and silly as "hey wouldn't it feel really nice if a big fat fox girl gave you a big hug?" Its still worth expressing and sharing, because you meet others who say "Yeah that would feel nice" and then they become life long friends and an unbreakable support group.

I want nothing more than to pour my heart into some drawings of Sarah right now, but my damn pinched nerve is still very much a problem. I have an idea for a game that I want to start working on ASAP as well. I have so much I want to do. I want to feel through my art again, and I want to share it all with you. We all have such special, unique ideas and interests, and when we find others with similar ones, this wonderful fandom shines in such a special way that nowhere else can. I don't want to be apart from it anymore. I want to feel Sarah in my mind again. I want to be able to imagine her, explore what that furry world would be like, and let you peer into it too.

I almost forgot to mention this, but I also just... want to be way more honest with myself. I think I've lost sight of what I like, what I enjoy, what I want when it comes to kink. Especially vore stuff. I've been wondering why I feel... less impact with certain vore content, why some of it makes me feel this twinge of discomfort in the back in my brain. I think its because I've gotten so used to forcing myself to do things for survival and money, that I've become misaligned with what I actually find appealing about vore. I think about Sarah, and what I want with her. Think about the feelings I want to feel, and I realize a lot of vore stuff I've been doing isn't actually something I like. For example, I really love when a pred is doting on their prey. It's one of the reasons Sarah is so affectionate with her food. But when that possessiveness becomes "you're mine and nobody else's, mine mine mine, nobody else is allowed to eat you and I get jealous of it," I find myself feeling... uncomfortable? Like... maybe it ties into my sexuality, my feelings on why I'm aromantic asexual, where I don't really want to be committed to one thing. I like the idea of belonging to someone, but not... to a certain degree. I like bouncing between scenarios and feelings, even with the same person, but also having the freedom to explore other experiences. I don't want Sarah to be the only one who gobbles me up, I want to explore folks like Kaa and Stitch, see and feel other feelings that different characters make me feel.

What I'm getting at is that I'm remembering how picky I am about my kink interests. That instead of letting my particular boundaries be broken for the sake of others or money or whatever, I should be doing what I feel most comfortable with, because I need to respect myself. I need to respect others by being able to say "no" when I'm not feeling it. I need to be a bit selfish.

So... yeah I've had a lot on my mind today that I needed to get off my chest. I'm going to be SO tired tomorrow morning but I absolutely needed to get this out there. I just... feel.. different. I've been slowly working towards this conclusion for a while now, but I think what finally locked things in for me was hearing Caudle on that podcast. Hearing someone I look up to, someone who's creations I respect immensely, talk about how those creations are successful because they are true to what they enjoy, made me realize that I need to do the same. I need to have confidence that others out there will like what I like too. I should stop thinking "god I wish I could do that" because I literally HAVE done that at one point. It just helped organize all these jumbled up pieces into the proper slots they were supposed to fit in. I am incredibly grateful for that <3

So TDLR: I WILL become known for my love of hoodies and comfy cartoon clothes MUCH like Caudle is known for tails because enjoying specific things is good and valid and I'm going to throw Sarah at you so just you TRY to block this overhead she is LARGE and powerful and aaaaaaaaa

Love you all lots, thank you <3

Firstly, I want to thank everyone for being so kind. The donations and signal boosting has helped tremendously, and as a result, y'all basically demolished that car repair bill immediately. I really appreciate that so much. I don't want the good that folks have been doing to be overshadowed by the updates to the situation. You are all wonderful and I can never thank you enough.

My doctor reviewed my X-Rays with me today.

I have 3 pinched nerves in my neck.

My neck is so bad that it is practically bending the wrong way.

These pinched nerves are, of course, located in the exact location that would fuck up my arm the most. This is why I am feeling excruciating discomfort in my hand.

Repairing this injury is going to take a lot of time, a lot of time that I do not have. My job will be constantly setting me back, undoing the progress we make every day. Its going to be a horribly uphill and expensive battle.

HOWEVER

There may be a way to alleviate much of the pain and discomfort in my hand. My doctor thinks that by using laser therapy and shockwave therapy, we can lessen/remove the scar tissue in my elbow that is restricting my nerve's movement. Basically, its a way to make sure that the major nerve surgery I had in 2014 doesn't need to be repeated, and that MORE restricting scar tissue isn't created. There's a clear compression point in my elbow from this scar tissue, and combined with the pinched nerves, it's bringing back an all too familiar agony I thought I'd never have to feel ever again.

The problem is that insurance companies do not cover this treatment.

I need at least 2 $107 laser treatments, and 4 $239 shockwave treatments. This will cost a total of $1170.

If this works, my quality of life could be drastically improved. I'll still have to treat the pinched nerves, but my arm will never have this horrific sensation ever again. It would speed up recovery time, meaning I'd only have to spend like 2 months fixing this instead of at least like... 6. On top of that, it would help relieve the awful sensations I am currently feeling. I would feel better sooner, and while I'd still have issues that need fixing, I wouldn't be in such daily agony.

I have no choice. If I don't do this, I can't do my job. I can't draw. I can't do fuckin anything. So I'm going to go through with it.

Unfortunately that means an additional $1170 on top of the $2000 dental bill and the $40 per visit to fix my neck. Its like I've been suddenly shot in the face with medical bills, and I am fighting to survive.

Family is helping, doing what they can, and all of you have already donated so much. Not just for this, but over the many years of fuck all I've provided. I don't deserve a damn thing. I can't even finish the commissions I owe... I want to do so much for this community but I literally fucking can't because my hand doesn't WORK. The frustration from that is just... absolute agony. I'm tired of having to beg and take, without ever being able to give a damn thing back...

I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm going to raise this money, but I have to do something. Its that or walk out into traffic.

I don't even want to think about what would happen if this procedure doesn't work. I just can't. It's not an impossibility, but if it DOES help me live a damn day without pain, I'm willing to try.

I'll let you know if I come up with some fundraising idea that I can do WITHOUT fucking destroying my hand, so stay tuned. For now, continuing to spread the word, and donating if you are able, helps tremendously.

I hate asking so much from all of you constantly. I hate myself for being this massive, constant burden. But I want you to know, that I can never, and could never, properly express just how much I am grateful for each and every one of you. This community is why I am alive. I would've been dead years ago if it weren't for all of you. I'm trying so hard to not give into despair, I'm trying so hard to keep fighting, because I want nothing more than to give you all everything I possible can. I finally have ideas and goals that I feel passionate about again, I just literally can't PHYSICALLY do them, because of my damn body. I want to make your lives better, like you have mine.

Love you all so much, thank you for sticking with me through the awful shit I constantly experience.

The air conditioning in my car suddenly broke, and fixing it cost $292.52.

My dental insurance hit its spending limit, so a much needed procedure that I recently had done is going to cost around $2,000 total.

And on top of all of that, my arm is relapsing. Physical therapy and specialty doctor visits cost $40 a pop, and sometimes I have to go to them multiple times in one week. I'm probably going to need a major surgery again, which will most likely cost an absurd amount.

I'm so tired of asking for help. I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world who does not deserve it at all, but I don't know what else to do.

I deleted a whole multi-paragraph meltdown that I wrote here. I don't want to vent and rant, embarrass myself more. I could go into detail but all I want to do right now is scream, so I'm not really capable of typing anything other than a madman's ramble.

I need help, and if you can reasonably and safely afford to do so, I would greatly appreciate it.

https://ko-fi.com/pieman

I have to stop writing this or I'll fall into it deep self-loathing rant, I've had to delete and rewrite this so many times. Nobody is more frustrated about all of this than me. If you have any questions please feel free to ask. I'm so sorry for doing this for like the 30th time...

Thank you

I just wanted to wish everyone a lovely Vore day. <3

This community is so special, and it has given me so much. I promise, I'll give back as much as I possibly can as soon as I am able to. I Love you all very much <3

---

I wanted to do something special for vore day, try to draw or something, but last Tuesday I hit a breaking point. At work, I was working on a particularly difficult part, and unfortunately it flared my arm up real bad. Over the course of the next few days, I've been in what I can only describe as a relapse: My arm and hand are having nerve pain again. I had surgery to remedy this in 2014. But now, the pain has come back, and I can't do ANYTHING. I want to draw, I want to create, I want to do so much, but my hands are physically holding me back. I can barely get through days at work, and I'm worried that my stupid body is going to take everything away from me AGAIN. I'm not doing too well mentally as a result. I won't lie, it's pretty dire over here. The arm pain combined with my feelings of failure in terms of my art stuff, has made for quite the horrific combo. I'm doing my best to hang in there.

I wish I had better news to report, but unfortunately, I can never catch a fuckin break. I'm seeing my doctors and specialists ASAP, but because I live in America, that isn't very fast. I hate to be a bummer all the time but my life is refusing to let me breathe. I'm really sorry.

I'll hopefully have good news next time. For now, please enjoy the vorny holiday. Thank you all so very much for your support <3

Had a few days to rest, so I think its time to talk about my trip!

Anthrocon 2025 was a very mixed bag for me. There were a lot of very incredible highs, but there were also some absolutely devastating lows. I don't think it was as bad as my AC 2 years ago, but it was... not very good.

I went with some very close friends,  FloatyMyBoaty and  Pickled-Potoo. I was essentially hosting the trip. I was the person who organized the hotel booking, drove folks up there, and so on. When I do this, I feel like it is my responsibility to take care of my friends, keep them safe, and make sure they have a good time. Thankfully, they did, but it was at the cost of my own enjoyment.

I had an absolutely miserable time. I was not able to rest nor relax. I had 2 terrible panic attacks, which I have never, EVER had at a convention before. Whenever I would run into folks, I found myself flubbing my words or losing trains of thought. Commonly, I said to folks that my brain was "off" or some other excuse. I may not have realized it in the moment, but what was happening was a combination of two things:

1.) After all the stress of getting there, and worrying about being attacked by my sibling, when I finally DID get to the con, registered, checked in, and settled, my brain let go of all that weight and stress at once. It wanted nothing more than to sleep. Rest. Relax. It was like I was holding a ton of bricks for months, then finally was allowed to let it all go. All that weight just WUMPHED down on my mind.

2.) I was... not equipped to handle the social needs/challenges involved in taking care of my friends. I'm not a trained professional, I'm just a guy who has his own mental health issues to deal with. So I didn't know how to handle the social situations I found myself in with my group. I... really don't want to sound bad, but I gotta be blunt: I'm not used to rooming with folks on the spectrum, and I was absolutely not prepared for it. I was very upset with how frustrated I got. I hated myself for it. I was so tremendously stressed trying to ensure that everyone was cared for, felt happy, and was comfortable. I didn't want anyone to be bored or left out. But I didn't balance it at all, and gave myself basically no time to breathe.

This just... absolutely fried my brain. I am already a shy mess who struggles to socialize, but with this, I was just... absolutely dead, unable to hold conversations, and making myself look like an idiot in front of artists I really look up to.

I already talked with my friends extensively about what happened, and the sad truth that we came to is that we don't really work well together in this scenario. We all have our own limitations, needs, and energy levels, and it just doesn't mesh together. I still love them lots, I still had good, fun moments with them, but this specific combo of situations isn't one we can do again.

It was during day 3 that I absolutely broke down. I hid in the bathroom, and silently cried. It had hit me that I was wasting my con. That I wasn't having fun. I just couldn't handle it. I wanted to scream. I needed a vacation from my vacation. I just wanted to get away. Thankfully, my panic attack medication was able to keep me relatively calm, but the absolute funk my brain was in never left. I want to thank  Jinsei for being so supportive and kind during all of this. He was very helpful in helping me calm down and recenter. I feel so bad venting and crying to you for help, but I am so very thankful you were there.

Now the con was not ALL bad. There were a lot of good moments. The best was easily the unofficial vore meet we held after the absolute disaster that was the official one. The vore meet was put in the absolute worst place possible: A double conference room. I have no idea how on earth the Macro, Transformation, AND Muscle meetups were allowed to happen in Hall C, but the vore meet was not. ALL of the big meetups took place in Hall C, which is a MASSIVE area able to fit hundreds of people. Anthrocon staff KNEW at least 600+ people would be there thanks to the new scheduling system, yet still decided this was best. It was impossibly crowded and overwhelming to such a degree that it literally could not be held. So my friends and I went to a more secluded area, grabbed a few tables, and drew together.

There was such a wonderful collection of folks that showed up. I wish I properly spoke to everyone, because you all absolutely made my con. Being able to hang out with everyone, and just... actually connect, draw, chitchat, it was so lovely. It really felt special, and everyone was so sweet and kind. I don't remember all the names of folks who were there, but I so very much appreciate you for coming. It made me feel special, and... I really needed that <3

We got to hang out at other points during the convention too, but this was... just very special. Spending time with all of you, not just on this night, but on the other days as well, made me remember just how wonderful, skilled, and kind this community is. Seeing everyone's work in the dealer's room, seeing all of us connect and bond over our doodles and conversations, it made me remember how special being a furry was. I was a shy mess who was going through such awful mental health issues, but you all made me feel important and special.

So thank you to:
 MavenTreecat
 Humbug the Rat
 FT the Derg
 Terith
 Damienfox
 Ante
 Hidden_Pangolin
 A_Fox_Named_Box
 Jinsei
 Zairiza
 Levai_181
 denimwizard
 Washamanoose

I know there are some names I am probably forgetting. If I did, I am so sorry for that. But please know, that if we talked at all during the con, you probably made it a highlight of the event for me. I love you all dearly and I don't ever want to forget how special what we have in this fandom is.

Because ultimately, despite how awful this year's con was for me, there was one very important takeaway I walked away with: This fandom is so special, and I don't ever want to forget that. I don't ever want to be away from it again. I don't want to sink into the agony of daily life. I want to thrive in this lifestyle again. To be HERE again. To feel this energy, this special feeling, every single day. I don't want to be away ever again. I'm going to work so hard to be present, to be positive, to be myself in as open a way as possible. I feel energized to make things, to do things, to get off my ass and try. I am going to be here, and I don't ever want to leave again.

Thank you all for supporting me, for being kind to me, for enjoying what I do. It means more than you could possibly imagine. I am alive because of this fandom, and I don't ever want to forget that.

Love you all so much <3

If you would like to see the photos I took during the convention, please check out this folder here! Please tag/share with folks if you recognize thier suit! I apologize for the terrible quality, this new phone I got sucks shit and ruined all the pictures I took. I am very upset <3 https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Ys.....ew?usp=sharing

Almost forgot to write a journal about this, oops!

In case you did not know, I will be at Anthrocon 2025!

I am going with my friends  FloatyMyBoaty and  Pickled-Potoo. I am so very excited. My very first Anthrocon was a July 4th weekend, and it was something really special. Watching the fireworks while on the balcony, surrounded by furries, was really really magical. I can't wait to feel that again. Thanks to my CPAP machine, I've been feeling normal again, and its been so wonderful. I am so eager to feel the energy and joy of a furry convention once again. <3

If you want to keep up with me while I am at the con, please consider following my brand new Bluesky! https://bsky.app/profile/pieman24601.bsky.social

Twitter was really bad for me mentally, so I will be using Bluesky with great restraint. BUT it is still a great place to get live updates from me.

I hope to run into y'all, say hello, hug some cute suits, and just generally have a wonderful time~ I really need a good vacation. I am so excited to see you all~ Lets hope I can stay uneaten for more than 2 minutes! o3o

It is finally done.

The video I've been editing is finally finished. A massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Please enjoy the famous horror classic: "Piglet's Big Game."

https://youtu.be/O41E31SxpYQ

I've been burned out for at least 2 years now. I've been trying really hard to break out of it with help from my doctors and friends, but nothing has worked. I mentioned in my last journal that I had like 3 days where I felt normal again, like ME again. Where I could imagine and feel, have precious dopamine flow in my brain when I look upon a hotted furry, just... I felt like I used to feel years ago. It was incredible. But then it went away, and that feeling has not come back. Its been perplexing me and my doctors.

Until now.

We may have discovered the source of my mental and physical health issues: The number one reason why I've been worsening instead of improving: I have Sleep Apnea.

I was talking to my doctor about all of this, and after pondering for a moment, I could see something click for him. He immediately sent me to get tested for Sleep Apnea. If you don't know what Sleep Apnea is, it's a disorder where you frequently stop breathing while sleeping. This is bad for obvious reasons, but the big problem with it is that your body never goes into true REM sleep. This means you don't get rested, and your body isn't able to do a lot of the normal functions it needs to do while you rest. It prevents you from getting proper oxygen to your brain, screws up your metabolism, and can lead to severe mental health issues. As I have all these symptoms and more, my doctor got me tested immediately. The test gives you one point for each time you stop breathing in your sleep, then your score determines how severe your condition is. It's actually normal to have 1 - 4 points, while 5 - 15 points is considered moderate. I scored a 20. Now that's not SEVERE, but it's also not great. I absolutely have it, and as such, I will be getting a CPAP machine next week.

Some might be upset by a revelation like this. But I'm... actually incredibly excited. This could be it: This could be the reason I felt normal those 3 days. It might have been because somehow, I slept normally, and my body was able to heal. If this works... I can fucking be MYSELF again. I can feel again. Then I can finally get what I owe done, and start being active again like I used to. All I've wanted for these many long years is to be able to enjoy things again, to be able to mean something to all of you again, and if this can fix that... god it'd be incredible. I don't want to get my hopes up too high in case it doesn't work but... gotta have some hope right?

I just wanted to update y'all on what is going on. Hopefully this is the light at the end of the tunnel that I've desperately needed. I'm so close to being okay. I'm so fucking close. I'm so sorry its taken so long...

I'm really sorry about the lack of updates. I want to keep y'all informed and up to date, but things have been kinda... rough for me lately, so it has been hard to make posts on the internet. Sorry to constantly be a bummer aaaaahhhhh >///<"

Mental Health Progress:
I've been weening off of one of my anti-depressants for the past year or so. My brain has been terribly addicted to it, and it is not working. I wanted to stop taking it immediately, but the withdraw symptoms were so severe that my doctor and I had to slow down the process to a snail's pace. Thankfully, I seem to be almost free of the drug. I've made it to the smallest dose, and I'm almost done with it forever. Unfortunately, this means that my mental health isn't being medicated, and it has been... well its not been great. I have learned many coping mechanisms, and I'm doing what I can to not give into the sense of dread, but it has been really rough. It has been especially rough because a little while ago, I had like... 3 days or so where I felt like I used to feel. I felt normal, I felt enthusiastic, I felt in general. The meds I've been stuck on make me feel empty, emotionless, passionless. So feeling again was just... incredible. Sadly, the worst depression of my life followed it, but at least we know that this positive feeling is possible. I know I can feel normal again, and when I do, I'll be able to get back into drawing something fierce, cause gosh when I could feel alllll I wanted to do was draw. Sorry its taking so long to get me back to a drawing state. I'm going to try and push to get there, I have made you all wait far too long.

Massive Dental Fees:
My teeth are fucked up and I am very embarrassed about it. A symptom of my mental health issues is Executive Dysfunction: Which in my darkest of days (especially before I got my job) made it hard if not impossible to take care of myself in basic ways. My teeth suffered the most. I'm going to need a number of dental procedures to repair damage, but they are incredibly costly. I need at least 3 of them and they cost like $600 each if/when my insurance covers them. I... am... very upset about this for obvious reasons. So I may be even more sparse online because I'm going to have to do a bunch of overtime to help pay for the medical bills. If I can push through the depression and finish all the art I owe, I might be able to do commissions to help pay for it, but... I do owe a lot, and I am... we'll see what happens there. ^^"

I'm Going To Anthrocon Even If It Kills Me (Because It Might Literally):
I have officially registered and booked a hotel for Anthrocon 2025. I will be attending with my dear friends  FloatyMyBoaty and  Pickled-Potoo. After the deaths we've had in this community, I am not missing another convention. I'm not letting myself fall further into the depressive, inactive hole I've been in for the last like... 5 years. I want to be present. I want to be active. I want to feel happy like I used to. I want to have a community presence again, and I want be around the folks I care a lot about as much as I possibly can. I don't care about the consequences of this choice. I'm not disappearing again.

If you remember from my last journal, I talked about how my sister has issued death threats against me. I reached out to Anthrocon security about this, to hopefully prevent my sister from attending. But unfortunately, AC has decided that they will not ban her for something that occurred outside the convention. This is understandable: It wouldn't be fair to ban someone who hasn't done something wrong at the con itself. I totally get that choice, and I respect it. I'm telling y'all this because I want to make it clear that I will be attending regardless of if my sister shows up. If she shows up, and something bad happens to me, I don't care. I will not be away from my friends again. I know that is very dramatic, but I'm serious. I'm going to attend, and I'm going to have the best damn time of my life, regardless of what my sibling decides to do. Its scary, especially for someone with an anxiety disorder, but I just cannot be away from this community any longer. I don't want to miss anything again.

TDLR: My mental health is feeling the bad feels from medication changes, my teeth are expensive, and I'm going to Anthrocon.

I hope to have more positive news to share soon. I'm still working on gallery and Discord restructuring, so that I can make everything fancy and good. Please swing by the discord channel if you wanna see more from me more regularly. I love you all so much <3

Da Discord: https://discord.gg/2mbEmsd

Hello everyone~ So sorry for the lack of updates, I've been terribly busy. There is a lot to cover, and I'm not really sure how to organize this journal, so I guess I'll just list what has been going on:

Moved into the new apartment
As y'all probably know, I had to move because my former roommates suddenly decided to not renew our lease without telling me. Thankfully my landlord is very understanding and hooked me up with a new place across the hall. I've been spending the last month and a half moving. Its been an unending task of unpacking, sorting, downsizing, just generally going through the massive amount of crap I own. Its thanks to you, and the tremendous kindness of this community, that I was able to land on my feet and get the supplies I needed to survive here. Thank you all so so much for your help! <3

Now the apartment is pretty nice, but it has a fatal flaw: Sound.

The walls and floors are paper thin. I can hear everything happening outside of my apartment as clearly as if it was happening inside it. This is an absolute deal breaker for me. As someone who streams, and records a lot of stuff, it renders those hobbies undoable. Ive already had the noises of my downstairs neighbor's terribly loud sex blast into my room while I was livestreaming, which is very obviously incredibly bad. Thankfully, my lease is only 6 months, and I've notified my landlord that I'll need something different once it runs out. Hopefully, moving again so soon wont be too much of a pain in the ass, and hopefully, I'll be able to feel like I have privacy again.

[b]My Mom is visiting for the holidays! [/b]
Yay yippee!! I'll be very busy for a few weeks because of this. If it is hard to get a hold of me, it is probably because of that. I do wish you all a wonderful holiday, and I hope you get to spend it with those you care about most. <3

My Sister has officially sent me death threats! Wow!!!
So... I don't like to talk about this whole thing too publically, because it is tremendously complicated and personal. But I feel like I have to post something about it to get SOME degree of awareness out there, because my sister has been trying to infiltrate the furry fandom for the past few years so... gosh this is complicated, lemme try to summarize:

My sister Ivy has some sort of undiagnosed bipolar schizophrenia. For years shes struggled with these waves of high and low emotion, hopping between intense vile rage and apologetic somberness. She has always been that way, but it got worse with time, especially once she started doing drugs. Its to a degree where you can NOT tell her "no" because things will go from zero to 100 in an instant.

She has been hopping through community after community, person after person, seeking yes men. She wants to surround herself with folks who will encourage her to keep doing whatever she wants regardless of the consequences. Once someone disagrees with her for the first time, she shows her true colors, and they realize "oh this person kinda sucks, I dont wanna be around someone who behaves like that." They then drop her, she gets super pissed, and moves onto the next unknowing target. Shes been doing this with any community she can find, because sadly, she's never really figured out who she is. She cant look inward, and cant see that her unhappyness in life is because of that lack of introspection. She instead seeks external validation that matches what she wants to hear. She tries to find it by getting involved with whatever group she can find that is supportive, encouraging, and open. This isnt inherrently bad, but anyone who says anything to her even remotely challenging or contrary to what she wants to hear is rejected, tossed aside. She can't grow like that. She can't find out who she is if she's not challenging herself or looking inward. In recent years, shes been trying it with the furry fandom. Shes been going to conventions like anthrocon and furrydelphia. She is not a furry. Shes only there for the raves. Growing up I had to be very closeted because she was activelt vitriolic against furries.

But anyway, the reason she has sent me death threats is because I told her that I wasnt sure if I wanted to be roommates, because the way she behaves makes me uncomfortable and I don't know if I can handle it. I didn't even outright say no, I just said I was unsure. This was the incident that pulled the trigger. She also found out that my mom has helped me financially in the past when emergencies came up, and became enraged and jealous that she wasnt getting any help. This happened during a period where Ivy had disowned my mom and wasnt talking to her, so... yeah mom literally COULDNT help because you wouldnt talk to her. But anyway... this completely set Ivy off the deep end, and my mom and I had to block all communication because of the vile hateful shit my sister would send. She wished my mom's cancer would come back and kill her. She wished I would have another pancreatic attack and die. Shes said awful things, but nothing I had to call the police over. Until the other day that is...

She has been finding ways to message me on platforms I don't have her blocked on. The other day, she sent me a ton of telegram messages, calling me homophobic slurs, and directly wishing to shoot my dad and I through the skull. She has guns, she has severe mental health issues, and she knows where my apartment complex is, so unfortunately I had to take this seriously. And yes, she hates me that much for such a minor infraction. I had to call the police, issue a report, and sadly, I'm going to have to reach out to convention security at Anthrocon to make sure she cant attend. Because if she sees me, she WILL attack me. She absolutely will. I've already sent an email but had no response yet.

My sister is off the deep end, and its been extremely hard on my family. We desperately want her to seek medical help, to get clean off the drugs, and to let go of all this hatred and rage that is consuming her. She is so angry, so mad at so much, but instead of looking inward and finding the real source, blames external sources like me, my dad, my mom, and anyone who disagrees with her.

Its a really horrible situation, and I hate having to talk about it publically, but my sister has chosen to escalate things to a dangerous and threatening degree that could harm myself and others. Shes not welcome in my fandom if shes gonna do that. I'm not lookin to die, not lookin to get murdered, but if it happens, let it be no mystery who did it.

Updating my Discord channel, art galleries, and basically every place I post
I'm still working on redoing my galleries. Its just been delayed due to the move and all the other crazyness in life. But after the holiday, I should be able to get back to focusing on it. I also want to completely revamp the discord channel. I am most active there and I love it, but we've been having serious issues with scam bots infiltrating and sending people scamming "commission me" DMs. I want to counteract this because I wanna keep yall safe from scams, so I'll be changing how verification works. If you want immediate and frequent updates from me, as well as hearing my dumb stupid thinks that come out my brain, that is the best place to go. https://discord.gg/2mbEmsd

I'm also probably going to delete my twitter for good, or at least remove my art from it so it cant have the AI generator learn off of it. I'll probably make a bluesky, and... yeah. Stay tuned! Stuff gon happen. Yay!

WHERE ART DO ART WANT ART DRAW GO???
I am thankfully, slowly but surely, getting back to drawing. Art is coming and I couldn't be more happy to do so. I want to finish all i owe and make yall happy <3 I love this community very much and I wanna do right by y'all. I am going to be more active. I WILL make y'all proud. Thank you all for your support and love <3

Da end!!!
So yeah lots is going on... and I am quite overwhelmed, but I am doing my best. I hope you all have a lovely holiday, and I'm sending you my best wishes. I love you all lots <3 I will keep you all posted with any updates.

Back during October, to celebrate Halloween, I streamed "Piglet's Big Game" for the Nintendo Gamecube. It's an obscure as heck, psychological horror game for kids. I used to play it at a friend's house when I was little. Apparently, the game has exploded in popularity these past few days. Folks discovered how creepy it was, and it has gone viral. Unfortunately, this has happened before I could get my video up, and while I've been moving. It feels terrible to miss such an opportunity to get eyes on the stream. So I'm trying to get SOMETHING up so I don't completely miss my chance at having my Twitch stuff succeed. I have uploaded my full playthrough, of all 3 streams. Please give it a shot if you need something to listen to while at work, or drawing, or whatever. I will be making an edited highlights video, but this will go up for now in the meantime. Thank you for supporting what I do y'all! <3

https://youtu.be/0MSgfYatOoI

Also: The move went pretty smoothly. It sucked and took forever but I got all my crap in the apartment. I have WAY too much stuff, and I'm downsizing/sorting everything. Its going to be a while before I'm all properly settled. Worse, the apartment has paper thin walls. There is NO soundproofing here, so I can hear everything clear as day through the walls and floor. Its awful for the things I do, a legitimate deal breaker. Thankfully though, my lease is only for 6 months, so I won't be stuck here too long. I'll be looking for somewhere else to live, somewhere that is hopefully more soundproof. Its... BAD. I can hear folks in the hall as if they were walking IN MY HOUSE. And as someone with anxiety problems that is very bad. But I'll be ok, and I'll update y'all soon. Thank you again for everything! I love y'all!

Today is my Birthday! Yippee! I am now 29 years old. Wow~

I don't really have much to say about it other than "I feel old" and that I am very grateful for everyone's kind wishes, and for sticking with me for all this time. I love y'all very much. <3

Now! There are a lot of important announcements to make. I wanna keep you all in the loop.

I've been so busy the past month because I've been prepping to move apartments. The deal with my landlord has gone smoothly, and I am moving into a new, smaller, relatively affordable apartment this weekend. It is right down the hall from where I live now, so it won't be TOO much of an ordeal, but its still quite stressful and involved.

All of this has made it so that I've been unable to finish various projects I've been working on. I have some art in the works, a few videos, and many stream ideas that have been postponed due to this big change. But thankfully, once everything is said and done, I should be able to relax for... quite possibly the first time in many, MANY years. I'll be able to breathe, be in my own space, and have the freedom to work on projects I've always dreamed of working on. I have so many things I want to do, so many ideas I want to share, and I cannot wait to show them to all of you. Once I get into the new place, I'm going to finish what I owe, tidy up unfinished ideas, and get shit in order. I want to be active in this community again, and I don't want to miss another second of y'all.

So thank you all, thank you all so so SO much for making it possible for me to be here, possible for me to survive the constant shitshow that is my life. I appreciate you all so much I can't ever properly express it. I hope to do some very good stuff in this new home.

Wish me luck y'all, I'll keep you posted as updates occur <3

This is an important update to the previous journal, which you can read here for context: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10950223/

As you know, I'm going through a tremendously stressful situation where I am losing my apartment. In the previous journal, I asked for help financially to pay for the various expenses that come with moving so suddenly.

I am writing this journal because the outpouring of support has been absolutely incredible. In particular, I wanted to let everyone know of a very, VERY kind donation that... I'm still reeling from.

Someone donated a staggering $3000 to help me through this.

I've already done my due diligence to make sure things are legitimate, and that this wasn't some sort of mistake. The user who made this donation wishes to remain anonymous, and I am going to respect that wish.

But, yeah. That... just... I still can't even process it. I can't even wrap my mind around that level of generosity. I'm so stunned by it that I just... all I can say is thank you.

On top of that incredibly large sum, countless people have poured in with their own generosity. I've been overwhelmed with how many folks have popped in to give what they can and help out. It's... I'm at a loss for words.

In less than 24 hours, this community has come together and ensured that I will be okay, that I won't have to worry about the expenses associated with all of this, that I'll be able to pay the sudden influx of bills, afford basic home amenities, and more. I... I can barely process It. I don't feel worthy of this kindess, but I thank you all, so SO much, from the bottom of my heart, for every single bit.

I wanted to update everyone on this, because I want to try and alleviate some of the stress/worry folks have from the last journal. Thanks to everyone's donations, the situation is a lot less urgent. You can still donate if you wish, and help out however you want, but thanks to this, I am positive that I will be okay. As long as the contracts and arrangements with my landlord go through properly, I will be alright.

I don't know what to say other than thank you. I cannot say it enough. I'm literally able to survive because of this fandom, this community, and... the fact that folks care enough about my dumb problems means the world to me. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart, god bless you all.

I'll keep you all posted on what happens in the following days. Donation/support links are still available in the previous journal if you feel led to do so, but please don't feel obligated or stressed to. I'm going to be ok with what I've been given so far, and... things are going to work out. Just... thank you. Thank you SO much.