This morning at work, I listened to a podcast that  caudle was on a few years ago: The Sewers of Paris. It made me think about... quite a lot of things, and I had a few important revelations.

I've had a lot on my mind lately. As my 30th birthday rapidly approaches, and I look back on my life so far, I feel... like an utter failure. I feel so... disconnected from the community I once had, from the joy the furry fandom used to fill me with. I'm so burned out on something that I used to love, that I was passionate about, and it absolutely breaks my heart. Ever sense I hit my breaking point a few years ago, and stopped drawing all together for the most part, I have felt... so... lost. I don't know where I'm going. I feel so empty, so devoid of passion, and utterly directionless.

I've been trying to identify WHY I feel this way. A lot of it was probably from my previous depression meds literally making me feel nothing, and my undiagnosed sleep apnea. But now that those things are taken care of, I should be feeling better. But... I don't. I'm not fixing the underlying problem. I've been struggling to identify what that underlying problem even is.

But today, while listening to Caudle talk, a bunch of puzzle pieces I've been setting up in my brain for a while now just... clicked together. It makes sense to me now.

I don't know what I want, and I feel directionless, because I've not properly explored what I want. I'm not making things I want to make. This is going to sound a bit... odd, but the problem is that I'm not being selfish enough.

What on earth do I mean by this?

I think the best way to explain, is by talking about something I created that I care about very deeply. A character you all adore, who's been terribly absent for the past few years: Sarah Vixen.

Sarah is... SO important to me. In some ways, she's more important to me than my own fursona. Sarah is the personification of my muse, a representation of my desires, what I desperately crave in life. She's a way to explore my feelings, a way to explore my kinks and interests, in a safe, kind, motherly, self indulgent fantasy. She's this... other side of myself. She behaves similar to me, but with no filters, with no limits, no problems. She's just... this utter embodiment of love and joy. She IS what the furry fandom is to me: A larger than life, snuggly ball of joy, powerful and pretty, who loves you dearly, and might also maybe eat you sometimes.

For a long time now, it has been... incredibly difficult, if nigh impossible for me to imagine her. I used to be able to think of her quite vividly, imagining scenarios and escapist fantasies that I could almost FEEL. Drawing her felt like I was reaching into that other world that I wished I could be in. She just... lived in my brain. It's hard to describe. But the point is: I pretty much entirely lost that feeling. I couldn't draw her correctly, couldn't remember how to. I couldn't visualize her in my head. I barely RP'd with her, barely used her at all in anything. I stopped using her for her intended purpose: Exploring my furry interests.

As I kept doing things I didn't really want to, kept forcing myself to draw and pump out art, I lost sight of her, lost sight of what I wanted. I never really knew what I wanted to do, not in specifics anyway. I have dreams, I want to make video games that really matter to people, but I don't have a specific idea that I've been thinking about forever or anything like that. The same goes for my furry OCs and their world. I don't have an elaborate or thought out world, nor a story that I want to tell, I just knew that I wanted to explore what made me feel good inside. I wanted to explore what resonated with me, what made me feel imaginary sensations in my mind, and share those feelings with others through my art. But I pushed myself too hard, I didn't take care of myself, and I lost sight of that.

As I listened to Caudle passionately talk about their interests, inspirations, and experiences, I realized what was missing from my art.

Me.

I don't think I've drawn anything that I've wanted to draw, that made me feel ways that I wanted to explore, in years.

And it's like... "Well duh! Obviously you should make what you want to make!" And... yes, I knew this, but I didn't LEARN it. Sometimes you can know a lesson, hear advice, know the best thing to do, but think for whatever reason that it doesn't apply to you. Sometimes you really need to have that lesson bashed into your skull until it sticks.

If I'm not enjoying what I'm doing, how on earth can anyone else? Art is an expression of inner feelings that you want to express to others through abstraction and interpretation. Yes, even kink art. ESPECIALLY kink art. I didn't draw Krystal as a naga back in the DeviantArt days because I was obliged to, I did that because I WANTED to, because that idea made me feel something good that I wanted to share. I should know this lesson. I DID know this lesson. But again, I didn't LEARN it.

I... need to let myself be me. I need to remember that the furry fandom isn't just "look cool animal" its a way to express your true self, your desires, your kinks, your dreams, no matter how weird or esoteric. It became so robotic for me, so formulaic, a way to survive during a very dark time, that it lost what made it special: The human element. We may be drawin funny animals, but it's the deepest form of expressing the human experience. It has no limits, no rules, no judgement.

I have terrible anxiety, I fear that making things that are self indulgent will be looked down upon, hated, or come back to bite me in some way. Like I'm currently making a video about Mimic the Octopus from IDW's Sonic the Hedgehog comics, but I also REALLY wanna draw myself maybe giving him a lil kiss. I worry that people who don't like the video will try to use my kinks and interests against me, to hurt me. But like... this is the furry fandom, that's what dickheads have been doing to us sense the inception. I can't let other's perceptions of what is normal or weird stop me from exploring things that make me feel real, genuine emotion. Especially not nowadays, when everything is so vapid and irony poisoned that caring about things is deemed "cringe" and stupid.

I'm almost 30. I've learned that people don't just tell you things like "believe in yourself" or "if you try, you can do anything" because they think it sounds nice or something like that. They're telling you these things because they desperately want you to internalize them. Art from my upbringing, art from the modern day, weather it be games or movies, shitty or a magnum opus, want you to feel an idea and apply it to your life, so you can live a better existence. I have crippling anxiety, terrible social skills, and depression up the ass, so it is REALLY hard for me to let myself feel like I deserve to or even CAN apply these lessons to my life. But like... we're all just people. None of us know what the fuck we're doing here. Even If we pretend real good, we are all fumbling our way through life. We're all doing what we believe is right, and trying to share our experiences with others so that they can live better lives too. Even if we're trying to convey a message as simple and silly as "hey wouldn't it feel really nice if a big fat fox girl gave you a big hug?" Its still worth expressing and sharing, because you meet others who say "Yeah that would feel nice" and then they become life long friends and an unbreakable support group.

I want nothing more than to pour my heart into some drawings of Sarah right now, but my damn pinched nerve is still very much a problem. I have an idea for a game that I want to start working on ASAP as well. I have so much I want to do. I want to feel through my art again, and I want to share it all with you. We all have such special, unique ideas and interests, and when we find others with similar ones, this wonderful fandom shines in such a special way that nowhere else can. I don't want to be apart from it anymore. I want to feel Sarah in my mind again. I want to be able to imagine her, explore what that furry world would be like, and let you peer into it too.

I almost forgot to mention this, but I also just... want to be way more honest with myself. I think I've lost sight of what I like, what I enjoy, what I want when it comes to kink. Especially vore stuff. I've been wondering why I feel... less impact with certain vore content, why some of it makes me feel this twinge of discomfort in the back in my brain. I think its because I've gotten so used to forcing myself to do things for survival and money, that I've become misaligned with what I actually find appealing about vore. I think about Sarah, and what I want with her. Think about the feelings I want to feel, and I realize a lot of vore stuff I've been doing isn't actually something I like. For example, I really love when a pred is doting on their prey. It's one of the reasons Sarah is so affectionate with her food. But when that possessiveness becomes "you're mine and nobody else's, mine mine mine, nobody else is allowed to eat you and I get jealous of it," I find myself feeling... uncomfortable? Like... maybe it ties into my sexuality, my feelings on why I'm aromantic asexual, where I don't really want to be committed to one thing. I like the idea of belonging to someone, but not... to a certain degree. I like bouncing between scenarios and feelings, even with the same person, but also having the freedom to explore other experiences. I don't want Sarah to be the only one who gobbles me up, I want to explore folks like Kaa and Stitch, see and feel other feelings that different characters make me feel.

What I'm getting at is that I'm remembering how picky I am about my kink interests. That instead of letting my particular boundaries be broken for the sake of others or money or whatever, I should be doing what I feel most comfortable with, because I need to respect myself. I need to respect others by being able to say "no" when I'm not feeling it. I need to be a bit selfish.

So... yeah I've had a lot on my mind today that I needed to get off my chest. I'm going to be SO tired tomorrow morning but I absolutely needed to get this out there. I just... feel.. different. I've been slowly working towards this conclusion for a while now, but I think what finally locked things in for me was hearing Caudle on that podcast. Hearing someone I look up to, someone who's creations I respect immensely, talk about how those creations are successful because they are true to what they enjoy, made me realize that I need to do the same. I need to have confidence that others out there will like what I like too. I should stop thinking "god I wish I could do that" because I literally HAVE done that at one point. It just helped organize all these jumbled up pieces into the proper slots they were supposed to fit in. I am incredibly grateful for that <3

So TDLR: I WILL become known for my love of hoodies and comfy cartoon clothes MUCH like Caudle is known for tails because enjoying specific things is good and valid and I'm going to throw Sarah at you so just you TRY to block this overhead she is LARGE and powerful and aaaaaaaaa

Love you all lots, thank you <3

Firstly, I want to thank everyone for being so kind. The donations and signal boosting has helped tremendously, and as a result, y'all basically demolished that car repair bill immediately. I really appreciate that so much. I don't want the good that folks have been doing to be overshadowed by the updates to the situation. You are all wonderful and I can never thank you enough.

My doctor reviewed my X-Rays with me today.

I have 3 pinched nerves in my neck.

My neck is so bad that it is practically bending the wrong way.

These pinched nerves are, of course, located in the exact location that would fuck up my arm the most. This is why I am feeling excruciating discomfort in my hand.

Repairing this injury is going to take a lot of time, a lot of time that I do not have. My job will be constantly setting me back, undoing the progress we make every day. Its going to be a horribly uphill and expensive battle.

HOWEVER

There may be a way to alleviate much of the pain and discomfort in my hand. My doctor thinks that by using laser therapy and shockwave therapy, we can lessen/remove the scar tissue in my elbow that is restricting my nerve's movement. Basically, its a way to make sure that the major nerve surgery I had in 2014 doesn't need to be repeated, and that MORE restricting scar tissue isn't created. There's a clear compression point in my elbow from this scar tissue, and combined with the pinched nerves, it's bringing back an all too familiar agony I thought I'd never have to feel ever again.

The problem is that insurance companies do not cover this treatment.

I need at least 2 $107 laser treatments, and 4 $239 shockwave treatments. This will cost a total of $1170.

If this works, my quality of life could be drastically improved. I'll still have to treat the pinched nerves, but my arm will never have this horrific sensation ever again. It would speed up recovery time, meaning I'd only have to spend like 2 months fixing this instead of at least like... 6. On top of that, it would help relieve the awful sensations I am currently feeling. I would feel better sooner, and while I'd still have issues that need fixing, I wouldn't be in such daily agony.

I have no choice. If I don't do this, I can't do my job. I can't draw. I can't do fuckin anything. So I'm going to go through with it.

Unfortunately that means an additional $1170 on top of the $2000 dental bill and the $40 per visit to fix my neck. Its like I've been suddenly shot in the face with medical bills, and I am fighting to survive.

Family is helping, doing what they can, and all of you have already donated so much. Not just for this, but over the many years of fuck all I've provided. I don't deserve a damn thing. I can't even finish the commissions I owe... I want to do so much for this community but I literally fucking can't because my hand doesn't WORK. The frustration from that is just... absolute agony. I'm tired of having to beg and take, without ever being able to give a damn thing back...

I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm going to raise this money, but I have to do something. Its that or walk out into traffic.

I don't even want to think about what would happen if this procedure doesn't work. I just can't. It's not an impossibility, but if it DOES help me live a damn day without pain, I'm willing to try.

I'll let you know if I come up with some fundraising idea that I can do WITHOUT fucking destroying my hand, so stay tuned. For now, continuing to spread the word, and donating if you are able, helps tremendously.

I hate asking so much from all of you constantly. I hate myself for being this massive, constant burden. But I want you to know, that I can never, and could never, properly express just how much I am grateful for each and every one of you. This community is why I am alive. I would've been dead years ago if it weren't for all of you. I'm trying so hard to not give into despair, I'm trying so hard to keep fighting, because I want nothing more than to give you all everything I possible can. I finally have ideas and goals that I feel passionate about again, I just literally can't PHYSICALLY do them, because of my damn body. I want to make your lives better, like you have mine.

Love you all so much, thank you for sticking with me through the awful shit I constantly experience.

The air conditioning in my car suddenly broke, and fixing it cost $292.52.

My dental insurance hit its spending limit, so a much needed procedure that I recently had done is going to cost around $2,000 total.

And on top of all of that, my arm is relapsing. Physical therapy and specialty doctor visits cost $40 a pop, and sometimes I have to go to them multiple times in one week. I'm probably going to need a major surgery again, which will most likely cost an absurd amount.

I'm so tired of asking for help. I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world who does not deserve it at all, but I don't know what else to do.

I deleted a whole multi-paragraph meltdown that I wrote here. I don't want to vent and rant, embarrass myself more. I could go into detail but all I want to do right now is scream, so I'm not really capable of typing anything other than a madman's ramble.

I need help, and if you can reasonably and safely afford to do so, I would greatly appreciate it.

https://ko-fi.com/pieman

I have to stop writing this or I'll fall into it deep self-loathing rant, I've had to delete and rewrite this so many times. Nobody is more frustrated about all of this than me. If you have any questions please feel free to ask. I'm so sorry for doing this for like the 30th time...

Thank you

I just wanted to wish everyone a lovely Vore day. <3

This community is so special, and it has given me so much. I promise, I'll give back as much as I possibly can as soon as I am able to. I Love you all very much <3

---

I wanted to do something special for vore day, try to draw or something, but last Tuesday I hit a breaking point. At work, I was working on a particularly difficult part, and unfortunately it flared my arm up real bad. Over the course of the next few days, I've been in what I can only describe as a relapse: My arm and hand are having nerve pain again. I had surgery to remedy this in 2014. But now, the pain has come back, and I can't do ANYTHING. I want to draw, I want to create, I want to do so much, but my hands are physically holding me back. I can barely get through days at work, and I'm worried that my stupid body is going to take everything away from me AGAIN. I'm not doing too well mentally as a result. I won't lie, it's pretty dire over here. The arm pain combined with my feelings of failure in terms of my art stuff, has made for quite the horrific combo. I'm doing my best to hang in there.

I wish I had better news to report, but unfortunately, I can never catch a fuckin break. I'm seeing my doctors and specialists ASAP, but because I live in America, that isn't very fast. I hate to be a bummer all the time but my life is refusing to let me breathe. I'm really sorry.

I'll hopefully have good news next time. For now, please enjoy the vorny holiday. Thank you all so very much for your support <3

Had a few days to rest, so I think its time to talk about my trip!

Anthrocon 2025 was a very mixed bag for me. There were a lot of very incredible highs, but there were also some absolutely devastating lows. I don't think it was as bad as my AC 2 years ago, but it was... not very good.

I went with some very close friends,  floatymyboaty and  pickled-potoo. I was essentially hosting the trip. I was the person who organized the hotel booking, drove folks up there, and so on. When I do this, I feel like it is my responsibility to take care of my friends, keep them safe, and make sure they have a good time. Thankfully, they did, but it was at the cost of my own enjoyment.

I had an absolutely miserable time. I was not able to rest nor relax. I had 2 terrible panic attacks, which I have never, EVER had at a convention before. Whenever I would run into folks, I found myself flubbing my words or losing trains of thought. Commonly, I said to folks that my brain was "off" or some other excuse. I may not have realized it in the moment, but what was happening was a combination of two things:

1.) After all the stress of getting there, and worrying about being attacked by my sibling, when I finally DID get to the con, registered, checked in, and settled, my brain let go of all that weight and stress at once. It wanted nothing more than to sleep. Rest. Relax. It was like I was holding a ton of bricks for months, then finally was allowed to let it all go. All that weight just WUMPHED down on my mind.

2.) I was... not equipped to handle the social needs/challenges involved in taking care of my friends. I'm not a trained professional, I'm just a guy who has his own mental health issues to deal with. So I didn't know how to handle the social situations I found myself in with my group. I... really don't want to sound bad, but I gotta be blunt: I'm not used to rooming with folks on the spectrum, and I was absolutely not prepared for it. I was very upset with how frustrated I got. I hated myself for it. I was so tremendously stressed trying to ensure that everyone was cared for, felt happy, and was comfortable. I didn't want anyone to be bored or left out. But I didn't balance it at all, and gave myself basically no time to breathe.

This just... absolutely fried my brain. I am already a shy mess who struggles to socialize, but with this, I was just... absolutely dead, unable to hold conversations, and making myself look like an idiot in front of artists I really look up to.

I already talked with my friends extensively about what happened, and the sad truth that we came to is that we don't really work well together in this scenario. We all have our own limitations, needs, and energy levels, and it just doesn't mesh together. I still love them lots, I still had good, fun moments with them, but this specific combo of situations isn't one we can do again.

It was during day 3 that I absolutely broke down. I hid in the bathroom, and silently cried. It had hit me that I was wasting my con. That I wasn't having fun. I just couldn't handle it. I wanted to scream. I needed a vacation from my vacation. I just wanted to get away. Thankfully, my panic attack medication was able to keep me relatively calm, but the absolute funk my brain was in never left. I want to thank  jinsei for being so supportive and kind during all of this. He was very helpful in helping me calm down and recenter. I feel so bad venting and crying to you for help, but I am so very thankful you were there.

Now the con was not ALL bad. There were a lot of good moments. The best was easily the unofficial vore meet we held after the absolute disaster that was the official one. The vore meet was put in the absolute worst place possible: A double conference room. I have no idea how on earth the Macro, Transformation, AND Muscle meetups were allowed to happen in Hall C, but the vore meet was not. ALL of the big meetups took place in Hall C, which is a MASSIVE area able to fit hundreds of people. Anthrocon staff KNEW at least 600+ people would be there thanks to the new scheduling system, yet still decided this was best. It was impossibly crowded and overwhelming to such a degree that it literally could not be held. So my friends and I went to a more secluded area, grabbed a few tables, and drew together.

There was such a wonderful collection of folks that showed up. I wish I properly spoke to everyone, because you all absolutely made my con. Being able to hang out with everyone, and just... actually connect, draw, chitchat, it was so lovely. It really felt special, and everyone was so sweet and kind. I don't remember all the names of folks who were there, but I so very much appreciate you for coming. It made me feel special, and... I really needed that <3

We got to hang out at other points during the convention too, but this was... just very special. Spending time with all of you, not just on this night, but on the other days as well, made me remember just how wonderful, skilled, and kind this community is. Seeing everyone's work in the dealer's room, seeing all of us connect and bond over our doodles and conversations, it made me remember how special being a furry was. I was a shy mess who was going through such awful mental health issues, but you all made me feel important and special.

So thank you to:
 maventreecat
 samanthaweltzin
 fataltragedy2004
 lapseph
 damienfox
 ante
 hiddenpangolin
 afoxnamedbox
 jinsei
 zairiza
 levai181
 denimwizard
 washamanoose

I know there are some names I am probably forgetting. If I did, I am so sorry for that. But please know, that if we talked at all during the con, you probably made it a highlight of the event for me. I love you all dearly and I don't ever want to forget how special what we have in this fandom is.

Because ultimately, despite how awful this year's con was for me, there was one very important takeaway I walked away with: This fandom is so special, and I don't ever want to forget that. I don't ever want to be away from it again. I don't want to sink into the agony of daily life. I want to thrive in this lifestyle again. To be HERE again. To feel this energy, this special feeling, every single day. I don't want to be away ever again. I'm going to work so hard to be present, to be positive, to be myself in as open a way as possible. I feel energized to make things, to do things, to get off my ass and try. I am going to be here, and I don't ever want to leave again.

Thank you all for supporting me, for being kind to me, for enjoying what I do. It means more than you could possibly imagine. I am alive because of this fandom, and I don't ever want to forget that.

Love you all so much <3

If you would like to see the photos I took during the convention, please check out this folder here! Please tag/share with folks if you recognize thier suit! I apologize for the terrible quality, this new phone I got sucks shit and ruined all the pictures I took. I am very upset <3 https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Ys.....ew?usp=sharing

Almost forgot to write a journal about this, oops!

In case you did not know, I will be at Anthrocon 2025!

I am going with my friends  floatymyboaty and  pickled-potoo. I am so very excited. My very first Anthrocon was a July 4th weekend, and it was something really special. Watching the fireworks while on the balcony, surrounded by furries, was really really magical. I can't wait to feel that again. Thanks to my CPAP machine, I've been feeling normal again, and its been so wonderful. I am so eager to feel the energy and joy of a furry convention once again. <3

If you want to keep up with me while I am at the con, please consider following my brand new Bluesky! https://bsky.app/profile/pieman24601.bsky.social

Twitter was really bad for me mentally, so I will be using Bluesky with great restraint. BUT it is still a great place to get live updates from me.

I hope to run into y'all, say hello, hug some cute suits, and just generally have a wonderful time~ I really need a good vacation. I am so excited to see you all~ Lets hope I can stay uneaten for more than 2 minutes! o3o

It is finally done.

The video I've been editing is finally finished. A massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Please enjoy the famous horror classic: "Piglet's Big Game."

I've been burned out for at least 2 years now. I've been trying really hard to break out of it with help from my doctors and friends, but nothing has worked. I mentioned in my last journal that I had like 3 days where I felt normal again, like ME again. Where I could imagine and feel, have precious dopamine flow in my brain when I look upon a hotted furry, just... I felt like I used to feel years ago. It was incredible. But then it went away, and that feeling has not come back. Its been perplexing me and my doctors.

Until now.

We may have discovered the source of my mental and physical health issues: The number one reason why I've been worsening instead of improving: I have Sleep Apnea.

I was talking to my doctor about all of this, and after pondering for a moment, I could see something click for him. He immediately sent me to get tested for Sleep Apnea. If you don't know what Sleep Apnea is, it's a disorder where you frequently stop breathing while sleeping. This is bad for obvious reasons, but the big problem with it is that your body never goes into true REM sleep. This means you don't get rested, and your body isn't able to do a lot of the normal functions it needs to do while you rest. It prevents you from getting proper oxygen to your brain, screws up your metabolism, and can lead to severe mental health issues. As I have all these symptoms and more, my doctor got me tested immediately. The test gives you one point for each time you stop breathing in your sleep, then your score determines how severe your condition is. It's actually normal to have 1 - 4 points, while 5 - 15 points is considered moderate. I scored a 20. Now that's not SEVERE, but it's also not great. I absolutely have it, and as such, I will be getting a CPAP machine next week.

Some might be upset by a revelation like this. But I'm... actually incredibly excited. This could be it: This could be the reason I felt normal those 3 days. It might have been because somehow, I slept normally, and my body was able to heal. If this works... I can fucking be MYSELF again. I can feel again. Then I can finally get what I owe done, and start being active again like I used to. All I've wanted for these many long years is to be able to enjoy things again, to be able to mean something to all of you again, and if this can fix that... god it'd be incredible. I don't want to get my hopes up too high in case it doesn't work but... gotta have some hope right?

I just wanted to update y'all on what is going on. Hopefully this is the light at the end of the tunnel that I've desperately needed. I'm so close to being okay. I'm so fucking close. I'm so sorry its taken so long...

I'm really sorry about the lack of updates. I want to keep y'all informed and up to date, but things have been kinda... rough for me lately, so it has been hard to make posts on the internet. Sorry to constantly be a bummer aaaaahhhhh >///<"

Mental Health Progress:
I've been weening off of one of my anti-depressants for the past year or so. My brain has been terribly addicted to it, and it is not working. I wanted to stop taking it immediately, but the withdraw symptoms were so severe that my doctor and I had to slow down the process to a snail's pace. Thankfully, I seem to be almost free of the drug. I've made it to the smallest dose, and I'm almost done with it forever. Unfortunately, this means that my mental health isn't being medicated, and it has been... well its not been great. I have learned many coping mechanisms, and I'm doing what I can to not give into the sense of dread, but it has been really rough. It has been especially rough because a little while ago, I had like... 3 days or so where I felt like I used to feel. I felt normal, I felt enthusiastic, I felt in general. The meds I've been stuck on make me feel empty, emotionless, passionless. So feeling again was just... incredible. Sadly, the worst depression of my life followed it, but at least we know that this positive feeling is possible. I know I can feel normal again, and when I do, I'll be able to get back into drawing something fierce, cause gosh when I could feel alllll I wanted to do was draw. Sorry its taking so long to get me back to a drawing state. I'm going to try and push to get there, I have made you all wait far too long.

Massive Dental Fees:
My teeth are fucked up and I am very embarrassed about it. A symptom of my mental health issues is Executive Dysfunction: Which in my darkest of days (especially before I got my job) made it hard if not impossible to take care of myself in basic ways. My teeth suffered the most. I'm going to need a number of dental procedures to repair damage, but they are incredibly costly. I need at least 3 of them and they cost like $600 each if/when my insurance covers them. I... am... very upset about this for obvious reasons. So I may be even more sparse online because I'm going to have to do a bunch of overtime to help pay for the medical bills. If I can push through the depression and finish all the art I owe, I might be able to do commissions to help pay for it, but... I do owe a lot, and I am... we'll see what happens there. ^^"

I'm Going To Anthrocon Even If It Kills Me (Because It Might Literally):
I have officially registered and booked a hotel for Anthrocon 2025. I will be attending with my dear friends  floatymyboaty and  pickled-potoo. After the deaths we've had in this community, I am not missing another convention. I'm not letting myself fall further into the depressive, inactive hole I've been in for the last like... 5 years. I want to be present. I want to be active. I want to feel happy like I used to. I want to have a community presence again, and I want be around the folks I care a lot about as much as I possibly can. I don't care about the consequences of this choice. I'm not disappearing again.

If you remember from my last journal, I talked about how my sister has issued death threats against me. I reached out to Anthrocon security about this, to hopefully prevent my sister from attending. But unfortunately, AC has decided that they will not ban her for something that occurred outside the convention. This is understandable: It wouldn't be fair to ban someone who hasn't done something wrong at the con itself. I totally get that choice, and I respect it. I'm telling y'all this because I want to make it clear that I will be attending regardless of if my sister shows up. If she shows up, and something bad happens to me, I don't care. I will not be away from my friends again. I know that is very dramatic, but I'm serious. I'm going to attend, and I'm going to have the best damn time of my life, regardless of what my sibling decides to do. Its scary, especially for someone with an anxiety disorder, but I just cannot be away from this community any longer. I don't want to miss anything again.

TDLR: My mental health is feeling the bad feels from medication changes, my teeth are expensive, and I'm going to Anthrocon.

I hope to have more positive news to share soon. I'm still working on gallery and Discord restructuring, so that I can make everything fancy and good. Please swing by the discord channel if you wanna see more from me more regularly. I love you all so much <3

Da Discord: https://discord.gg/2mbEmsd

Hello everyone~ So sorry for the lack of updates, I've been terribly busy. There is a lot to cover, and I'm not really sure how to organize this journal, so I guess I'll just list what has been going on:

Moved into the new apartment
As y'all probably know, I had to move because my former roommates suddenly decided to not renew our lease without telling me. Thankfully my landlord is very understanding and hooked me up with a new place across the hall. I've been spending the last month and a half moving. Its been an unending task of unpacking, sorting, downsizing, just generally going through the massive amount of crap I own. Its thanks to you, and the tremendous kindness of this community, that I was able to land on my feet and get the supplies I needed to survive here. Thank you all so so much for your help! <3

Now the apartment is pretty nice, but it has a fatal flaw: Sound.

The walls and floors are paper thin. I can hear everything happening outside of my apartment as clearly as if it was happening inside it. This is an absolute deal breaker for me. As someone who streams, and records a lot of stuff, it renders those hobbies undoable. Ive already had the noises of my downstairs neighbor's terribly loud sex blast into my room while I was livestreaming, which is very obviously incredibly bad. Thankfully, my lease is only 6 months, and I've notified my landlord that I'll need something different once it runs out. Hopefully, moving again so soon wont be too much of a pain in the ass, and hopefully, I'll be able to feel like I have privacy again.

[b]My Mom is visiting for the holidays! [/b]
Yay yippee!! I'll be very busy for a few weeks because of this. If it is hard to get a hold of me, it is probably because of that. I do wish you all a wonderful holiday, and I hope you get to spend it with those you care about most. <3

My Sister has officially sent me death threats! Wow!!!
So... I don't like to talk about this whole thing too publically, because it is tremendously complicated and personal. But I feel like I have to post something about it to get SOME degree of awareness out there, because my sister has been trying to infiltrate the furry fandom for the past few years so... gosh this is complicated, lemme try to summarize:

My sister Ivy has some sort of undiagnosed bipolar schizophrenia. For years shes struggled with these waves of high and low emotion, hopping between intense vile rage and apologetic somberness. She has always been that way, but it got worse with time, especially once she started doing drugs. Its to a degree where you can NOT tell her "no" because things will go from zero to 100 in an instant.

She has been hopping through community after community, person after person, seeking yes men. She wants to surround herself with folks who will encourage her to keep doing whatever she wants regardless of the consequences. Once someone disagrees with her for the first time, she shows her true colors, and they realize "oh this person kinda sucks, I dont wanna be around someone who behaves like that." They then drop her, she gets super pissed, and moves onto the next unknowing target. Shes been doing this with any community she can find, because sadly, she's never really figured out who she is. She cant look inward, and cant see that her unhappyness in life is because of that lack of introspection. She instead seeks external validation that matches what she wants to hear. She tries to find it by getting involved with whatever group she can find that is supportive, encouraging, and open. This isnt inherrently bad, but anyone who says anything to her even remotely challenging or contrary to what she wants to hear is rejected, tossed aside. She can't grow like that. She can't find out who she is if she's not challenging herself or looking inward. In recent years, shes been trying it with the furry fandom. Shes been going to conventions like anthrocon and furrydelphia. She is not a furry. Shes only there for the raves. Growing up I had to be very closeted because she was activelt vitriolic against furries.

But anyway, the reason she has sent me death threats is because I told her that I wasnt sure if I wanted to be roommates, because the way she behaves makes me uncomfortable and I don't know if I can handle it. I didn't even outright say no, I just said I was unsure. This was the incident that pulled the trigger. She also found out that my mom has helped me financially in the past when emergencies came up, and became enraged and jealous that she wasnt getting any help. This happened during a period where Ivy had disowned my mom and wasnt talking to her, so... yeah mom literally COULDNT help because you wouldnt talk to her. But anyway... this completely set Ivy off the deep end, and my mom and I had to block all communication because of the vile hateful shit my sister would send. She wished my mom's cancer would come back and kill her. She wished I would have another pancreatic attack and die. Shes said awful things, but nothing I had to call the police over. Until the other day that is...

She has been finding ways to message me on platforms I don't have her blocked on. The other day, she sent me a ton of telegram messages, calling me homophobic slurs, and directly wishing to shoot my dad and I through the skull. She has guns, she has severe mental health issues, and she knows where my apartment complex is, so unfortunately I had to take this seriously. And yes, she hates me that much for such a minor infraction. I had to call the police, issue a report, and sadly, I'm going to have to reach out to convention security at Anthrocon to make sure she cant attend. Because if she sees me, she WILL attack me. She absolutely will. I've already sent an email but had no response yet.

My sister is off the deep end, and its been extremely hard on my family. We desperately want her to seek medical help, to get clean off the drugs, and to let go of all this hatred and rage that is consuming her. She is so angry, so mad at so much, but instead of looking inward and finding the real source, blames external sources like me, my dad, my mom, and anyone who disagrees with her.

Its a really horrible situation, and I hate having to talk about it publically, but my sister has chosen to escalate things to a dangerous and threatening degree that could harm myself and others. Shes not welcome in my fandom if shes gonna do that. I'm not lookin to die, not lookin to get murdered, but if it happens, let it be no mystery who did it.

Updating my Discord channel, art galleries, and basically every place I post
I'm still working on redoing my galleries. Its just been delayed due to the move and all the other crazyness in life. But after the holiday, I should be able to get back to focusing on it. I also want to completely revamp the discord channel. I am most active there and I love it, but we've been having serious issues with scam bots infiltrating and sending people scamming "commission me" DMs. I want to counteract this because I wanna keep yall safe from scams, so I'll be changing how verification works. If you want immediate and frequent updates from me, as well as hearing my dumb stupid thinks that come out my brain, that is the best place to go. https://discord.gg/2mbEmsd

I'm also probably going to delete my twitter for good, or at least remove my art from it so it cant have the AI generator learn off of it. I'll probably make a bluesky, and... yeah. Stay tuned! Stuff gon happen. Yay!

WHERE ART DO ART WANT ART DRAW GO???
I am thankfully, slowly but surely, getting back to drawing. Art is coming and I couldn't be more happy to do so. I want to finish all i owe and make yall happy <3 I love this community very much and I wanna do right by y'all. I am going to be more active. I WILL make y'all proud. Thank you all for your support and love <3

Da end!!!
So yeah lots is going on... and I am quite overwhelmed, but I am doing my best. I hope you all have a lovely holiday, and I'm sending you my best wishes. I love you all lots <3 I will keep you all posted with any updates.

Back during October, to celebrate Halloween, I streamed "Piglet's Big Game" for the Nintendo Gamecube. It's an obscure as heck, psychological horror game for kids. I used to play it at a friend's house when I was little. Apparently, the game has exploded in popularity these past few days. Folks discovered how creepy it was, and it has gone viral. Unfortunately, this has happened before I could get my video up, and while I've been moving. It feels terrible to miss such an opportunity to get eyes on the stream. So I'm trying to get SOMETHING up so I don't completely miss my chance at having my Twitch stuff succeed. I have uploaded my full playthrough, of all 3 streams. Please give it a shot if you need something to listen to while at work, or drawing, or whatever. I will be making an edited highlights video, but this will go up for now in the meantime. Thank you for supporting what I do y'all! <3



Also: The move went pretty smoothly. It sucked and took forever but I got all my crap in the apartment. I have WAY too much stuff, and I'm downsizing/sorting everything. Its going to be a while before I'm all properly settled. Worse, the apartment has paper thin walls. There is NO soundproofing here, so I can hear everything clear as day through the walls and floor. Its awful for the things I do, a legitimate deal breaker. Thankfully though, my lease is only for 6 months, so I won't be stuck here too long. I'll be looking for somewhere else to live, somewhere that is hopefully more soundproof. Its... BAD. I can hear folks in the hall as if they were walking IN MY HOUSE. And as someone with anxiety problems that is very bad. But I'll be ok, and I'll update y'all soon. Thank you again for everything! I love y'all!

Today is my Birthday! Yippee! I am now 29 years old. Wow~

I don't really have much to say about it other than "I feel old" and that I am very grateful for everyone's kind wishes, and for sticking with me for all this time. I love y'all very much. <3

Now! There are a lot of important announcements to make. I wanna keep you all in the loop.

I've been so busy the past month because I've been prepping to move apartments. The deal with my landlord has gone smoothly, and I am moving into a new, smaller, relatively affordable apartment this weekend. It is right down the hall from where I live now, so it won't be TOO much of an ordeal, but its still quite stressful and involved.

All of this has made it so that I've been unable to finish various projects I've been working on. I have some art in the works, a few videos, and many stream ideas that have been postponed due to this big change. But thankfully, once everything is said and done, I should be able to relax for... quite possibly the first time in many, MANY years. I'll be able to breathe, be in my own space, and have the freedom to work on projects I've always dreamed of working on. I have so many things I want to do, so many ideas I want to share, and I cannot wait to show them to all of you. Once I get into the new place, I'm going to finish what I owe, tidy up unfinished ideas, and get shit in order. I want to be active in this community again, and I don't want to miss another second of y'all.

So thank you all, thank you all so so SO much for making it possible for me to be here, possible for me to survive the constant shitshow that is my life. I appreciate you all so much I can't ever properly express it. I hope to do some very good stuff in this new home.

Wish me luck y'all, I'll keep you posted as updates occur <3

This is an important update to the previous journal, which you can read here for context: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10950223/

As you know, I'm going through a tremendously stressful situation where I am losing my apartment. In the previous journal, I asked for help financially to pay for the various expenses that come with moving so suddenly.

I am writing this journal because the outpouring of support has been absolutely incredible. In particular, I wanted to let everyone know of a very, VERY kind donation that... I'm still reeling from.

Someone donated a staggering $3000 to help me through this.

I've already done my due diligence to make sure things are legitimate, and that this wasn't some sort of mistake. The user who made this donation wishes to remain anonymous, and I am going to respect that wish.

But, yeah. That... just... I still can't even process it. I can't even wrap my mind around that level of generosity. I'm so stunned by it that I just... all I can say is thank you.

On top of that incredibly large sum, countless people have poured in with their own generosity. I've been overwhelmed with how many folks have popped in to give what they can and help out. It's... I'm at a loss for words.

In less than 24 hours, this community has come together and ensured that I will be okay, that I won't have to worry about the expenses associated with all of this, that I'll be able to pay the sudden influx of bills, afford basic home amenities, and more. I... I can barely process It. I don't feel worthy of this kindess, but I thank you all, so SO much, from the bottom of my heart, for every single bit.

I wanted to update everyone on this, because I want to try and alleviate some of the stress/worry folks have from the last journal. Thanks to everyone's donations, the situation is a lot less urgent. You can still donate if you wish, and help out however you want, but thanks to this, I am positive that I will be okay. As long as the contracts and arrangements with my landlord go through properly, I will be alright.

I don't know what to say other than thank you. I cannot say it enough. I'm literally able to survive because of this fandom, this community, and... the fact that folks care enough about my dumb problems means the world to me. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart, god bless you all.

I'll keep you all posted on what happens in the following days. Donation/support links are still available in the previous journal if you feel led to do so, but please don't feel obligated or stressed to. I'm going to be ok with what I've been given so far, and... things are going to work out. Just... thank you. Thank you SO much.

TLDR: I am losing my apartment because my roommates decided to move out without notifying me. Thankfully, I will not be homeless, I do have a place to stay. However, I will be hit with many large expenses. I am in need of help financially. I hate asking, but if you can donate anything to help me make it through this, it would be greatly appreciated. Links are at the bottom of the journal.

The timing of recent events couldn't be worse. I was going to post about this earlier, but with the sudden and terrible passing of  spottedsqueak, I didn't feel it was appropriate.

I didn't personally know Forest, but I am very close to many who did. Seeing all my friends in absolute agony has been terrible, and I didn't want to add to that suffering with my problems. Forest was an artist I always wanted to meet, someone who meant the world to people I love and respect. I probably could have easily talked to him, got to know him, befriended him, sense he was so commonly intersecting with my circle of friends, but I never did. I was too shy to reach out, too stuck in my own dumb anxieties to talk to him. Now I never will. I'm going to regret that for the rest of my days. The joy he brought others through his art and kindness cannot be understated. His loss has been devastating, and our community will feel it for a long time to come.

The day I came home from work, and received this news, was the same day I received some other bad news: My roommates were not renewing our lease, and were moving out suddenly. I was going to be homeless.

Living here with my roommates has been utter agony. I won't go into too much detail, as a lot of it is personal drama, but to summarize, it's been like taking care of 2 irresponsible children. Two filthy, non-communicative, and passive aggressive children.

The cat is a goblin child, so he's like 3 cats in one, but he's also a cat, so legally he's allowed.

Anyway point is: My roommates decided that they wanted to move out because they couldn't deal with me anymore. Supposedly I was too stressful to live with.

They told me a few months ago that they were thinking about moving out, but nothing was set in stone. One of my roommates has a very level-headed, smart brother, who is very financially savvy and forward thinking. He agreed with me that this would be a terrible idea. My roommates would not listen to me, but they would listen to him. Multiple times, my roommates said that he was right, and that they would be continuing our lease. Multiple times they talked about how right he was, and that it would be a good idea to stick it out for at least another year before moving out.

What they did not tell me, is that they changed their minds again. They still proceeded as if they were going to be moving out, and not renew our lease.

They even called our landlord and told him that they were planning on not renewing, maybe about a month ago, without my consent.

Issue is: I'm on the lease. All of us have to consent to have our lease non-renewed. What they've done might be illegal.

So cut to three days ago, I come home, find out a beloved member of our community is dead, AND that I'm no longer going to have a place to stay because my roommates are moving out THIS WEEKEND. (IE: Today)

My brain enters poopoo panic hyperstress mode, and sense then I've been scrambling to make sure I'm not completely fucked over by this.

Now, in a way, it is fortunate that I waited a few days. It's good that I got all of my ducks in a row before making a journal about this, because it has given me time to access the situation, and get all of my facts together. I've been able to talk with my landlord and several friends who understand renting/reator stuff better than I. Thankfully, there is a silver lining to this situation:

My landlord is just as upset over this as I am, upset that my roommates have so thoroughly failed to communicate properly to such a irresponsible degree. He is working with me to arrange it so that I can stay at my current apartment for another month until another place to live becomes available. There is a Flat in our complex that will be ready by the end of October, and he is offering to me at a discounted rate. I've been a good tenant with no problems, so he likes me quite a lot and wants to keep me here if possible. He's throwing me a massive bone with that offer, and I think I'm going to take him up on it.

Now, as a result of all of this, I'm going to be hit with a LOT of expenses. Unfortunately, as I just recently started my new job, I do not have nearly enough savings to cover these costs. I hate asking for help, I hate asking for donations when I can't really provide anything in return, I do not like bothering all of you wonderful people for aid, but... I-I really need some help.

I WILL be able to cover the cost of the extra month of rent, because believe it or not, my Dad is doing the right thing and helping me with that. When he kicked me out before the pandemic and moved to Florida, he was clearly having a very severe midlife crisis. Being in Florida has sobered him on what is really important in life, and he wants to return to PA so he can be close to family and friends. We have a shockingly healthy relationship that brings me great joy. Letting go of my hatred for him has been incredibly healing, and he's helping make things right. So in terms of that big expense, I will be okay. But unfortunately, there are many other expenses that I will need help with.

Costs I'll need help with/Things I can put y'alls kind donations towards:
• The new deposit on the new apartment
• A new internet connection/account
• PECO Electricity (This is the main utility I have to pay here at this apartment, everything else is covered rather generously.)
• Cleaning supplies so I can TRY to tidy this place up because oh god we really don't even have a vacuum here its awful holy shit
• Basic living supplies such as dishes, bath towels, stuff like that
• I'm also being hit with my 6 month car insurance premium next month so that's great timing
• Oh god that's right my crappy phone is dying too so that's fun oogh
• I'm very tired I can't brain I'm probably forgetting something important???

Basically: There's a lot of shit that I could use some help with. I don't think I'm going to be homeless thanks to the offer from my landlord, and the help from my Dad. But things ARE going to be very, VERY rough and expensive for a bit. I really need a little help, but I do think that ultimately, once I push past this hard point, my life can start for the better. I've felt so miserable here these last 2 years, and I've been stuck in bad situation after bad situation for far too long. I'm finally, FINALLY seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. The deaths in our community, and the ones in my personal life, have really motivated me to not miss anything anymore. I can't wallow in this depression anymore, in this inactivity. I want to be present again, I want to be here with everyone, because I don't want to miss anything, anyone, ever again. I want to go to cons again, draw art for people, make an impact for the better in people's lives. I'm so close to getting there, so close to realizing dreams and Ideas I've had for 15+ years. I just have to get past this final push, this final bramble in the way of that light. I can FEEL how close I am, I can FEEL like I'm almost there. I don't want to fail before I finally get there. If you can help me make it, that would mean the world to me. I really appreciate every single one of you, and the constant patience and understanding you give me. I literally would not be alive if it were not for this community. Thank you so much for everything.

How to Donate:

• Via PayPal: PayPal.Me/PieMan24601
• Via Ko-Fi: https://ko-fi.com/pieman
• Via Streamlabs/Twitch: https://streamlabs.com/pieman24601/tip
• Via Patreon: (Which is currently acting as a monthly tip-jar) https://www.patreon.com/PieMan24601

If you cannot donate money, another way to help out is by signal boosting! Please share this journal around. Letting folks know goes a LONG way!

As you can imagine, all of this has put the whole gallery restructuring thing on pause. I have not forgotten about it though. Sorry for the delay...

Thank you all again so very much, I hope to have good news soon. <3

TDLR: A lot of art in my gallery will be deleted or have new/revised descriptions. I recommend you save what you are attached to if you are so inclined. Soon, I will be posting soon to other sites like Itaku as well.


THE DELETED FILES WILL BE AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD ONCE I FINISH.

Hello everyone~

I just wanted to make everyone aware that I am finally going to be starting the Great Gallery Restructuring.

I recently had to replace my dying hard drive with an SSD. Doing so has provided a great opportunity for me to completely re-sort and reorganize all my files. I've been wanting to do this for years. Sense most of my files are art, I think it would be most efficient to sort both my personal files, and my public galleries at the same time.

So what this ultimately means is that a lot of stuff is going to be either deleted, or have new/revised descriptions. I'm going to be removing art that I just... I dunno... don't want in my gallery anymore? Sometimes there isn't really a good reason. I might just not want it there as it may not represent how I am anymore or... I dunno, it's mostly a "feelings" kind of thing. I also think I might move all the commissions/fanart I have to my FA scraps, as that would help differentiate my art from what I commission. Eka's has folders which is super nice so that'll be easy to do over there. I'll also be revising some descriptions, with edits as I see fit. Just some looks back and extra insight I guess.

I will also be uploading to other galleries. The main one everyone seems to be trying out is Itaku, so I will be trying it as well. I do rather like its tags system and it seems pretty nice, I just gotta get used to actually using it. I do not want to use Twitter/X anymore as it is VERY bad for my mental health. If there are any recommended sites or places you wish to see my work, please let me know right away.

Here is my Itaku: https://itaku.ee/profile/pieman24601

If you wanna see a lot of me most actively, please check out my discord channel, I am very regularly updating folks there on my activities: https://discord.com/invite/2mbEmsd

I really want to be active in this community again. I miss all of you dearly and I just wanna be present for everything. I want to enjoy how special this fandom and all of you are, so... let's do that <3

Thank you all for your continued support, love ya! <3

It's that time again, and unfortunately, despite my efforts, I don't have anything big to show for it this year...

However, I'm not showing up empty handed. I do have 2 little things for the holiday:

Firstly, a minor, but loooong overdue change to my Eka's gallery has finally happened! My username is no longer "Vorishfoxie." It has been changed to PieMan24601, as it should be~ Thank you to Leshana for helping me do this.

I don't think I've ever publicly talked about why my username was Vorishfoxie. I don't really like to talk about the whole situation, as I'm rather ashamed of it. But... I also want to get it off my chest. There isn't some big dramatic story, its just... *sighs* I made my Eka's account when I was 16 years old. You're not supposed to do that. At the time, I thought I was mature, and I didn't want to wait two more years before I could use the website. So I made an alias, pretended to be a woman, and used the username "Vorishfoxie."

Obviously, that was a huge mistake, and INCREDIBLY not okay to do. Thankfully, I did eventually realize what I'd done was wrong, and dropped that whole persona. But as a result, I got stuck with that username on Eka's. I've tried to distance myself from that whole mistake, grow as a person, do better, learn. I like to think I've matured and done a better job, even if I still royally screw up from time to time... But... Point is: It feels nice to move on from that, to not be reminded of a mistake I made years ago when I was a completely different person. I-i understand some of y'all might be... quite mad at me for that mistake, and I totally understand. I am mad at me too. I was a DUMBASS kid. Thankfully I'm just a DUMB adult, so I've improved at least a little bit.

Anyway, SECONDLY: I'm doing a stream to celebrate the day of eat, by playing "The Munchables," a game where sphere shaped monsters eat vegetable people in a very normal and not-horny way, in order to get bigger and stronger so they can eat MORE people. Its so very normal and for the nintendo wii. Tune in when I go live itll be fun.

A-anyway, I hope you all have a wonderful holiday. I want to be more active in this community. I want to feel a part of everything again, and I want to make good things for all of you to enjoy. I've been slowly healing and improving mentally sense I got the job, and Its... things will be ok. I-if not be a lil slow...

love you all lots <3

Dragoneer's death has absolutely rattled me.

It doesn't matter how you feel about him personally, nobody deserves to die like that.

The American "healthcare" system doesn't care about helping people. It doesn't care about healing, about quality of life, nor human lives. It only cares about money. We live in a capitalist hell world and I'm so fucking tired of it.

What happened to Dragoneer is a horrific tragedy that happens all too often in this stupid fucking country. It's hitting home hard with me, because I've been in similar situations: I've almost died in our healthcare system 5 times.

5 out of the 6 times I've had pancreatic attacks, my life almost ended because the doctors cared more about pleasing the insurance companies than curing the patient.

Its just so wrong. So blatantly greedy, blatantly evil, and it fills me with such divine rage and incredible sadness. I didn't know Dragoneer. I didn't even like Dragoneer. But my heart is just... filled with grief over the vast injustice that's happened here, the incredible cruelty that has led to the absolute waste of a human life.

I have so much more on my mind but... It's not appropriate to share right now. I'll talk more about the fate of FA and life updates another time.

For now, I pray for Dragoneer's soul, for his family, for his loved ones, for anyone who knew him. My heart goes out with such deep, profound sadness, to each and every single person affected. Furaffinity changed my life: Allowed me to stay alive financially and mentally, and helped teach me who and what I was. Even if I didn't agree with him, or even like him, Dragoneer's site changed my life for the better, and it fills me with agony to hear him meet such a cruel, terrible, avoidable end. God be with you.

So I've got some really good news, and really bad news.

Let's start with the good:

Finally, after struggling to find something for almost a year, I got a job!

It happened about a week ago, but I've not said anything publicly until now because my brain just... didn't believe it was happening. I still don't, I feel like I'm going to screw something up and somehow lose it all. Anxiety disorders are fun like that... But anyway, I start on the 8th at a medical manufacturing company, where I'll be making steel implants for spine and knee surgery. It pays a very decent $18 an hour, and it comes with very good benefits. I'm so very nervous, but I'm also excited. I really want to do a good job so I can finally, FINALLY stop struggling so hard...

However, I'm not out of the woods quite yet. A month or so back, I had some absolutely horrible news dropped on me:

My roommates announced that they would not be renewing our lease this October.

I wont be going into the details at this time, but the main thing you need to know is that I will no longer have a place to live come October.

This is obviously a huge stress to add on top of everything else that is going on. I'm going to have to find somewhere new to live, and I don't really have much time. Once my job starts, and I get my first paycheck, I'll have a much better idea of what my budget will be. Hopefully I can find something nearby, as the new job is only 5 minutes from this current apartment.

My mental health is also still not good. Getting off the Venlafaxine has been horrific. My brain is HARD addicted to this drug, and refuses to let me stop using it. My doctor and I have been working very hard to ween me off of it, so we can finally start something healthier, but it's taking a long time, and I'm having a lot of difficulties. I'm so tired of the withdraw symptoms, I feel so foggy and strange. I just hate it.

Hopefully, once the job starts, and I get used to it, things will start falling into place. I've been so overwhelmed by the possible homelessness, the stress of money, the worry over everything, that my desire to do anything furry has barely existed. Its really hard for me to feel any desire to pick up a pencil, and I feel such horrible guilt over how long its taking me to recover. I want to make things, I want to be happy again, but getting past this hill of shit in my life is just... it's proving to be far more difficult than anything I've ever done. I'm hoping that this rough period of my life can just... go away eventually, that I'll get past it, but I'm not quite there yet. I'm still in the middle of the hard fight.

I thank you all for your patience and kindness with me as I try to get past this, it's really meant a lot.

Once I can breathe again, relax a bit, have that stress go away, I think I'll be in a much better headspace to create things. I am eager to get there again. I miss it so much...

Thank you all again for everything, I hope you are all doing well. <3

Been wanting to make this video for a while now. Worked really hard on it, and it's finally finished! A biiiig video about why I think Bandai is stinky and dumb.

Enjoy! Please consider sharing it or liking/commenting, it genuinely helps a lot and I am interested to hear what others have to say. Thank you!

I made a silly thing cause I couldn't get it off my mind until the deed was done. Enjoy

Where have I been? Why haven't I been drawing? What the hell is going on?

I'll be blunt: My life is currently in shambles. I've been undergoing some of the hardest shit I've had to deal with in a very long time. I've been meaning to make this journal for a while now, to keep you all in the loop, but It's... been very hard to be open about things that make me feel horribly ashamed. It needs to happen though, otherwise I can't fix this mess that is my life right now.

There are 3 Big Main Conflicts in my life right now:

1: Unfinished Anthrocon Sketch Commissions

10 months ago, I took on a massive list of Timed Sketchpage Commissions in order to pay for a trip to Anthrocon. When I did this, I broke many of my personal rules, and as a result, bit off WAY more than I ever should have tried to chew. This has been a massive, overwhelming stress, that has absolutely shattered me. I was already struggling with artistic burnout, feeling tired of vore and other kinks, but I decided to take on the commissions anyway. I was desperate for money, to feel normal by going to something I thought would be fun. But doing so completely broke me. I'm horrifically, terribly burned out on furry content in general, and its hard for me to enjoy much of anything right now.

On top of that, thanks to my anxiety disorder, I feel physically sick when attempting to draw. I feel repulsed by art, and that has absolutely broken my heart. I have barely drawn in the past 10 months, and what I DO draw makes me feel like a complete failure. I'm trying to break this association but I really do feel like I've completely failed every single person who trusts me, enjoys my work, or just associates with me in general. I feel completely undeserving of any of you.

2: Massive Medication Changes

Not helping matters has been my shift off of my anti-depressant, Venlafaxine, to a different medication, Bupropion. Now ultimately, this is going to be for the better, as Venlafaxine made me feel so empty that I wanted to die, but this shift has been the hardest physical toll I've gone through in recent memory. Even with a very slow weening off schedule, to help alleviate symptoms, I've still felt horrific side effects that make me feel just... off. Its been really hard to be mentally present, to not be overwhelmed with headaches or brain fog. I'm terrified by how dependent my brain was on these meds. When my schedule was too fast, the withdraw symptoms were horrific. It was like I was addicted to a hard drug, and my body was torturing me until it got more. I completely understand anyone's struggle with addiction or substance abuse SO much more now. It's indescribably horrible. I don't know how to word it, how to describe how it feels to have your brain just... turn on you like this. I have been feeling again now that I'm off Venlafaxine, but It's still a really difficult transition. I'm in close contact with my doctor to make sure it works out. But yeah as you can imagine, this whole thing has complicated my issues quite a bit.

3: I'm still a jobless, useless, poor piece of shit.

I NEED a job SO badly. If I have a steady, reliable source of income, it'll take all the stress off of my art, and allow me to enjoy it again. I'd be able to focus on making things I enjoy, make me feel like I'm not wasting my time, and just... I'm so tired of being poor y'all. I'm so fuckin tired. I have been living off nothing for years now, only scraping by because of the kindness of others and the help of family. I feel like a fucking leech. I'm trying so hard to get something, anything that I can mentally handle, but so many opportunities have been rejected. I've had quite a handful of interviews, but they all find out about my hands, and immediately don't want me. Money stress has been so awful. I can't pay my rent, I can't buy food, I feel like a piece of shit when I buy ANYTHING for myself, I'm just... I feel like a burden, I feel like I'm useless, and I feel so stressed about money constantly. I am only afloat because of my kind Patrons, who still give something every month despite nothing in return, and donations from folks around me. I don't feel alive right now. The idea of trying to pay rent with commissions just makes me feel sick. I can't monetize what I love anymore, because it stops becoming what I love. It becomes work. I don't want any of this anymore.

So yeah needless to say shit's pretty fucked up.

But I want to make it not fucked up. I wanna fix this mess that is me. I want to make everything work, make things right. I'm trying my damnedest, I really am, It just feels like it's not good enough. I'm so sorry for all the delays, for all the nothing that's come out of me the past few years. I'm fighting so hard to not spiral further. My plate is just so overwhelmingly full of garbage, and all I ask is just... for your patience and understanding.

If you're part of the Anthrocon commissions, I am so so sorry for letting things get this out of hand. I will make good on the art I owe, I promise that. I just have to get out of this deep hole I'm in right now. In full transparency, I'm uploading my to do list at the end of this journal, so everyone can understand just how much I fucked this up. It'll... pretty much immediately give insight into why this is all taking so long.

My current to do list looks like this:


Commissioner | Hours to draw

---

 1234567810 | 12
 commissar_prick | 2
 beaverbubbles | 12
 brokenpart | 4
 nas-kar | 2
 staticthepikachu | 2
ScarletSound | 4
 77chaos77 | 2
REH | 2
 womblesfan | 2
Love Train | 2
 floatymyboaty | 6

I'm sorry for such a massive, rambly journal. I just feel it's super important to let everyone know exactly what the hell is going on. I don't want to ask for more help, but I just need a little more time. If I can just survive long enough to get a damn job, things will shift positively for me SO fast. If you want to help, more than you all have already helped, there are links below to my Patreon and my ko-fi. I don't expect anything at all, I don't deserve it, I just... It would help a TON right now. If you want more frequent updates, that I promise are a lot less depressing than this journal, please join my discord as I post there all the heckin time.

I love you all so so much, and I cannot thank you all enough for sticking with me despite being a massive mess. Thank you.

Hey ya'll, I just wanna keep you updated on what's going on.

I'm... still not doing too hot. I had a period of time where I WAS doing okay, feeling happy and excited enough to draw, but that feeling just... vanished. The feeling left almost as fast as it came. I've been talking to family and friends, and we think that my depression and anxiety medication might be messed up. Something's gotta be wrong, because the way I feel is just... It's not normal at all.

I've been feeling this... void of emotion. Like... I've been feeling NOTHING. It's so hard to describe: All I feel is negative emotions, pain, stress, its like my dopamine producers literally do not work. Something is chemically very wrong in my head, cause it's hard for me to feel human right now. I can barely take care of myself, I sleep most of the day, and no mater how hard I try, I just cannot feel any joy. Vore and furry stuff makes me feel like... this repulsion, this sense of disgust or just... I don't know how to word the feeling it makes me feel, but its like physical repulsion. Same when I sit at my computer, every time I do, I feel overwhelmingly tired almost immediately. It's like my brain is programmed completely wrong right now, and I'm trying so fuckin hard to fight it, but I'm not exactly winning...

I won't be able to properly investigate this until the end of this month, as my doctor is fully booked until then. But hopefully, when I do see him, we'll be able to try a different mix of medication. What I've got now is fucking me up in a real bad way that renders me so useless. I feel horrific right now. It's really difficult for me to word just how awful this feels. It feels even worse because I feel like I'm failing all of you. I feel like I'm ruining my reputation, making myself not trustworthy anymore, or just... I feel so estranged from the vore community right now and I hate it, it makes me feel miserable.

I don't want to be like this, I want to get better. I'm very sick right now, and I'm so so sorry for worrying all of you, for not being around, for not finishing what I owe yet, for just... for everything this past year or so... I don't really think I've been okay sense covid hit, and I was kicked out of my house by my abusive father. I think i'm still reeling from being forced onto my own, without even a job yet to fend for myself.

Sorry I don't mean to ramble, I dunno... I feel terrible for even writing this journal I just... I don't want to leave you all in the dark. I really care about all of you, so very much. I am so sorry for worrying you, for scaring you, for making you stress about me, or anything around me. I will make it all right I just... need to get better first. I need to fix my mess of a life first.

I can't thank you enough for sticking with me through the darkest years of my life. I would absolutely be dead if it weren't for all of you. Thank you. I love you all so much. <3

A friend of mine with the worst luck in the world is being screwed over by his workplace. Again.

He needs a lot of help to make rent, and is willing to sell stuff that is very important to him to do so: Plushies, Fursuits, all sorts. He's desperate for aid. If anyone can send anything his way, help him out even the slightest, it would mean a lot.

I know things are very tight for everyone though, so if you cant donate, please at least spread the word. He's very kind, very sweet, just... constantly dealing with the worst bullshit. Thank you all ❤️

Click here for info on how to help: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10786982/

I hate to make journals like this, but... this is really important, and I want to keep you all in the loop.

I'm not okay.

Currently, I think I'm going through the worst depression I've ever felt in my life. Its stemming from a truth that Ive been unable to avoid: I'm beyond burned out.

I have zero desire to draw. I feel no joy when thinking about vore or other kinks. I don't want to even LOOK at anthropomorphic characters sometimes. Nothing I do brings me joy, or makes me feel anything. I feel just... so empty, so nothing, so blank. When I do feel, its always negative emotions. Deep sadness, regret, and most of all, an overwhelming feeling of uselessness. I feel like a complete waste of a person, like a failure. I still can't get a job, and I'm an artist that gets physically sick when I try to draw. I feel so horribly, deeply, overwhelmingly miserable. I'm trying desperately to cling onto anything that brings joy, anything that makes me feel normal, but nothing is working. All joy from what I do is just... gone. It's why I've not posted, barely drawn at all, and go months without streaming. I feel like complete utter shit.

I know I owe so much, I owe a ton of art, but right now, I just... I just can't do it. I can't. And this feeling, this inability to draw, it makes me feel worse than anything. My brain is screaming at me to get the art done, I am desperate to work on it, but I just cannot. No matter what I do, I can barely put pencil to paper without wanting to vomit.

I feel like I've ruined my reputation here in the vore community. I feel like I'm throwing my relevancy away, and losing what I've built up over the years. I'm constantly in need of help, constantly a downer, can't finish what I owe, and I barely even post. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to interact with me anymore. I'm a frigging mess. I feel like I'm succumbing to all the worst traits I've fought hard to avoid for years, and I wouldn't blame anyone for hating me or avoiding me.

I'm absolutely miserable. I feel sick typing this, because I just... I hate venting or talking about my problems, I hate putting my burdens on y'all. I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses for why things aren't done or happening. I just... I'm really, really not okay, and I don't think I can do much of anything until I find a way to feel better.

There is so much I want to do, so many ideas I want to share, but I just... cannot do any of them right now. Not while I'm this deeply depressed, this poor, or this burned out. I have to feel joy again before I can create, I have to find financial stability, and I have to get my mind right.

I just wanted to keep you all informed because I might need to step away for a bit... It makes me feel even worse to have to do that, cause I know folks will be waiting even longer for stuff, but I cannot keep doing things like I am. Feeling like this makes me want to die, so something's gotta change.

I'll be trying my best. I love you all and thank you for sticking with me through the worst time of my life. If I ever get through it, I want to do so much to make it up to all of you. Thank you.

It is here.

Thanks to everyone's incredible generosity, the $1000 goal was hit during the Marathon of Mayhem fundraiser! Because of all of you, I was able to pay my bills and expenses.

As promised, I have filmed a very silly video while wearing a Wile E Coyote suit. I do hope you all enjoy it <3



If you missed the Marathon of Mayhem, I have uploaded all 10 VODs for you to enjoy. You can watch the playlist here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?li.....FQGNjOkzHXmUt3

Now that all of that is finished, I will be resuming art and more asap. I have a lot of stuff planned, and I really want to get to it. I hope you all enjoy the things I have in store. Thank you all for your continued support and kindness <3