To anyone who reads these, happy new year (yes I know it's very late but it's still January)! I haven't made in a journal in a while because I always like to wait until enough time has passed and enough in my life has happened to justify making one.

This week I declared Wasabi the Ferret my second sona. I haven't posted a photo of him onto FurAffinity yet but I definitely will one day. Wasabi is a premade partial which I had bought back in July shortly after Victory and kept secret until the Halloween meet at Barkade last year. I wanted to wait to debut him then as I felt his colour scheme matched Halloween, and it was completely worth it. Earlier this month, his arm sleeves, his feetpaws and a painted badge were delivered to me by his creator, Neon Paw Creations (Kayobe Coyote). I also added a Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker t-shirt featuring Kylo Ren and the First Order, as I am a massive fan of the unjustly vilified Star Wars sequel trilogy. These items all improved his appearance considerably and gave him sinister yet adorable anti-hero personality. Adding more black and red to him especially helped to improve his colour scheme. I've become very emotionally attached to Wasabi to the point where wearing him genuinely makes me feel like I've become him, and that's why he replaced Victory (whom I still love, just not as much) as my second sona. I also made a Twitter account for him, @WasabiFerret, which I will post Wasabi-related content to from time to time. He's an excellent suit and I will take him to many future meets, especially since my best friend really loves him. He looked great at the LondonFurs Winter Party, which I was very lucky to be able to go to as I had a surprise day off from my Christmas job that day.

Regarding my art, I finally this week obtained the courage to open for commissions for the first time ever. This is a big step, as although I have taken two commissions in the past from close friends (one of them, of my friend Rave, is on here) I had always feared actually opening for commissions because of the big responsibility that comes with offering reasonable prices and making sure to satisfy customers who expect the quality you advertise. If I don't get any commissions I'll lower my prices and perhaps make other offers in order to attract customers. I'm new to this but I'll make sure to ask for advice just in case I mess up. My drawings have improved over the months although I still have a long way to go, and taking commissions is a very good way of practicing and I want to be challenged. I'll still be drawing more of my own original characters though when I get the time.

Last thing to talk about is the thing I'm most excited about: Mei Fursuits is starting Faulkner next month! It's been a long wait but damn is it worth it to finally be here, knowing that through February I'm going to see something I designed become real. I paid the full price months ago but I've now supplied all the measurements and chosen all the fur colours. I hope little Faulkner turns out to be as cute as I've imagined him, if not more so. Mei will hopefully do a fabulous job as she's very experienced and to bring him to life at last will make me so happy. I've now been in this fandom for over a year and an enormous amount has changed since I started. 2019 completely redefined me and joining the fandom was such an important step in improving my mental health and as a way of making friends, it was exactly what I needed to wrap up the decade on a highly positive note. I also spent a very large amount of money last year so I've declared 2019 a year of saving, and currently I'm doing well to make back some of the money I spent last year. With Faulkner on the horizon, ConFuzzled in a few months (my first convention for anything) and lots of art to draw, 2020 is going to be very busy and at times challenging for me - and hopefully tons and tons of furry fun too.

So I haven't made a journal in over two months now, and for anyone wondering why it's because I haven't been as active on here as I've wanted to be. Not because I don't like FurAffinity anymore as obviously I'm still putting art and photos on it, but because I've found I much prefer submitting artwork/photos to and keeping people updated on my Twitter account instead (@FaulknerRabbit). FurAffinity is a great website of course, but I haven't developed that much of an attachment to it because I prefer making friends through this fandom and fursuiting with them to art. I'll try to post a journal here every two months though.

The best thing that's happened in the last two months (and I really should have made a journal as soon as this happened) was this - Faulkner now has a maker! The very lovely British fursuit maker Mei Fursuits is making my bun (due to for the end of February 2020) and it's filled me with such steadily increasing excitement as the weeks go by. It's a shame that I didn't get a slot with either Blue Fox Fursuits or Made By Mercury, both of whom are far more popular makers with very popular styles, but Mei Fursuits is a strong and recognisable maker too and her skills have got better and better over time from what I've seen. Thus, by the time she reaches Faulkner's slot her skills be even better than that! Her style matches the excellent badge that Violet Omega made for me, which is very handy, and the recent artwork I made of Faulkner is drawn with eyes similar to her style as well. Once I've finally received and worn Faulkner, I will be indescribably ecstatic. Just thinking about it makes me nervous, knowing that one day he's going be brought to life.

Meets are also going very well, too. Wearing my fursuit Victory is lots of fun, and I especially thank Kayobe from Neon Paw Creations for both expanding the interior of and repairing him (his strap broke as the head was too small at first, but she did a near-perfect job at making him more comfortable to wear). I really loved the Summer Party and the meet on the 10th of August (I'll upload some photos soon) and through those two meets I've continued to craft Victory's sweet and silly personality. The idea is that he's rarely victorious, despite his name, and yet continues to try. I wouldn't say he's stupid, just a bit of an unlucky and naive oddball. But most importantly, I've now formed a connection with this premade; he is mine and no one else's, almost like a pet, and I now love him dearly despite not being the one who originally designed him (thanks to Anoverratedartist on DeviantArt for that).

And as for art, it's also going well! I've found that drawing regularly really helps me want to do it more, and while that might sound obvious, I honestly didn't really believe that practicing so much would help me in the long run, because in the past I've failed miserably. I'd just always assumed that you'd need to be naturally talented to become a great artist, but I've found that talent is born from simply trying different art styles until you land upon one that you feel comfortable developing. Now, drawing art is something I feel I need to do; it's part of my weekly to-do list. Even though I wouldn't consider myself that talented right now, I'm much enjoying what I'm doing, developing my chosen style and figuring out what works best for me. I'm very proud in particular of my most recent OC, Illumitomb. I was actually surprised by how well that one turned out, as I was planning on scrapping it at first, but I just kept drawing and adding to it until I was satisfied. And I was very, very satisfied in the end.

So everything seems to be going very well for me, and I'm honestly extremely grateful for how much this fandom has changed my life so far and filled it with so much magic, so many memories and such joyous fun. However, things aren't perfect. As much as I wish this wasn't true, I am still suffering from on-and-off issues with self-criticism and comparing myself to other furs, especially much younger ones. I know that it's very wrong to do this, as I should be focusing only on myself but at times I just cannot help it. The furry community is overflowing with such astonishing, vastly varied and limitless artistic talent that I highly doubt I'll ever be able to match and when I see a lot of it, I tend to put way too much pressure on myself. The best solution to tackling this problem is to make myself a part of that talent instead of viewing my contributions to the fandom as being not good enough to arbitrarily qualify. Even though it often feels like one, this fandom is a family, not an eternal art competition or popularity contest. I'm also comparing my fursuit to others on some days, which of course is a very silly thing to do as no two fursuits are the same and one should learn to love their own suit (which I do!), not wish you had everyone else's. Don't worry, I will get over this stuff. It's very normal from what I've read, especially when you're new to the fandom (I've been a part of it for less than a year) and feel like you need to "catch up" with everyone else.

And lastly, I've been hiding a fun little secret that only few of my furry friends know about, but the majority of LondonFurs won't find out about it until just before Halloween!

So this week has been interesting for me regarding fursuits.

This month, I had to make the somewhat painful but ultimately necessary decision to permanently retire Wilson the Panther. I tried my hardest to develop this very basic suit into a character that I could be proud of, but ultimately my efforts failed. Wilson just sadly lacked the many qualities that make a fursuit special, and this made it very difficult for me to create a personality and identity for him. I wore him twice to LondonFurs, and on both occasions I did not entirely enjoy suiting up as him. Due to his extremely basic appearance, I felt very inferior and small compared to the other fursuiters there. The panther mask also really hurt my nose while wearing him, which made him uncomfortable to wear for a long time and especially during hugs. My emotional attachment to the character was entirely depleted by my second LondonFurs meet, and so after a few decent photos and a fursuit walk, I knew that it was going to be the end and that I would have no other choice but to retire my first fursona. Faulkner the Lop Rabbit, my second fursona and a character that I am truly proud of having created and developed, is now Wilson's permanent replacement. I won't forget Wilson though. As flawed as he was, he got me started in this fandom, and I thank him for that.

But of course I didn't want to stop suiting up at furmeets, so I decided it was time to buy a proper fursuit, a good-quality premade partial to wear while my second fursona is in the long process of becoming a fursuit reality. Using the Dealer's Den I managed to find a very decent partial (it doesn't include footpaws, but that's fine) that was affordable and good value for money. Here he is:

https://www.thedealersden.com/listi.....partial/144994

Once he's delivered I'll be able to get the experience of wearing a proper fursuit for the first time (Wilson wasn't a luxury suit and therefore doesn't really qualify as one). This fluffy fox is a substantial improvement over the panther, being bigger, cuter, more colourful and far more visually appealing. I have decided to name him Victory as I felt victorious by finally purchasing a good quality fursuit for myself to wear to meets. Victory is a fursuit that I can wear with pride and cherish forever. I've wanted a fursuit for years - long before I joined the fandom. And as soon as he's delivered, I'll be sure to take plenty of photos of him.

And lastly, I've sent off a quote form to Blue Fox Fursuits so I can commission a partial fursuit of my beloved little bunny. I'm not entirely sure of my chances of getting a slot, but as I bought that nice reference sheet from the official artist of the company, my chances are higher than those that send quote forms with generic reference sheets. If I don't get a slot this month, I'll obviously be disappointed but I can try again in November where presumably my chances will be much higher. I'm very excited about this and I'll be ecstatic if I get picked as I'm very attached to Faulkner. I've given him a personality and a backstory and I have a lot of fun things planned for him.

Before attending my first furmeet, I had never before experienced so much social interaction and so much positive acceptance. By the end of the whole thing I was glowing, despite a pretty bad start (I cringe at how nervous, panicky and possibly rude I was at the start). Then again, my mind does this all the time. I doubt myself, I view my failures as being worse than they are, and I feel inferior to everyone. Thanks to this fandom, and my first meet especially, I am battling this.

The worst part by far was when I entered the fursuiter's lounge for the first time. I was very, very overwhelmed and shocked - especially since most of suiters looked so young (and most were indeed younger than me). I felt a sudden pressure to compete with the noticeable professionalism, maturity and vast impressiveness of fursuiters and their huge complex costumes, and I felt like I wasn't cut out for it. I suddenly felt very small and insignificant around so many large and incredibly confident and lively animals.

I described how I felt to a few people there - I felt like a child who had turned up at an adult's cpstume party. I even struggled to put Wilson on at first because it suddenly dawned upon me in the most scary way - "I now need to put this on, and literally fursuit. With fursuiters. The people I have always looked up to." When I wore Wilson at first, I indeed felt a bit like a dressed-up kid rather than a fursuiter. Almost everyone else's suits towered over mine, and I couldn't figure out what to do with my character while everyone else knew exactly what to do. I was openly shy and constantly hid my face with my paws.

(Apparently, this is normal, and something I didn't know: all fursuiters, for the first time, feel social pressure while in suit. It's not a sudden transformation and it does take practice to get comfortable with and understand the character.)

But thankfully, as I was told would happen, I started to "get it" over time. Everything clicked together gradually and I then didn't want to take him off - I suddenly was him. It was bizarre. I suddenly couldn't just take him off because that would be wrong. I was now a panther in a jacket, not a short, fat 25-year old. And then I actually gained the courage to take him on the fursuit walk, which was even more overwhelming but incredibly rewarding. You guys who attended might have noticed - I sat there after completing it, just thinking "I can't believe I did that." I was so exhausted and filled with things to say about it - and extremely pleased with myself that I managed to do it.

Anyway, the fact that Wilson received so many kind comments and so much praise touched my heart like nothing else has. I truly did not expect so many people to say he was cool. I genuinely believed he was be only mildly praised at best, or ignored at worst, and yet so many were actually, legitimately impressed and supported him. And as one furry described on the day - we are all critical of our own fursuits. Apparently, even fursuiters with very expensive fullsuits criticise their own suits. I honestly did not know this. I assumed that the more expensive the suit, the happier you'll be with it. And now, I feel way more attached to Wilson than I could have ever expected.

So I can't replace him just yet. I will buy a better suit of a different character in the future, but for now, I'm Wilson, because Wilson helped me get to this point. Suddenly not being able to immediately replace my character confirms to me that he is real. I made him real. It worked. And he'll be real forever - even when I retire him as my fursona some day, he'll forever remain canon within the furry universe.

So while it started badly, it ended better than I could have ever anticipated. By the end, it was indeed like I've found a new and very colourful family after years of searching for one. And I also did something else - I found myself. My inner child that for years I had tried (and failed) to minimize in the hopes of succeeding in my adult life. It was like a waking dream, as many furries new to meets have described. This morning I woke up, for a brief few moments I had to remind myself that LondonFurs was real (because I've dreamt about attending a fur meet or convention too many times to count).

So honestly I really, truly cannot thank you guys enough; not just the attendees of the meet, but everyone in the fandom who has supported me so far. I don't know how I can ever repay you guys. I needed this more than anything in the world. Without this, I don't know what I would be doing (probably emergency therapy, or worse). Even with all the negatives of the day, it was still the greatest event I have ever experienced. It was like receiving an enormous birthday present. I needed to take a very, very big jump right into the deep end and it paid off. And I now feel so much more positive about myself and my own life because of it. This fandom will help me fight all the emotional pain I've felt for years due to being a socially anxious, insecure, childlike shut-in.

This single meet enriched me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. Thank you and everyone involved for giving me the happiest, most exciting, most magical and most important day of my entire life. I will never forget this day. And I will be attending again in June for another awesome experience. This one literally changed my life. The next will be even better.