ALL | ABOUT | ME
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- Name: Tracey
- Single or taken: Taken :3 <3
- Sex: Female?
- Birthday: 06 / January / ????
- Sign: Capricorn
- Hair color: Dark Blonde
- Eye color: Blue
- Height: 5'2" on a good day
- Are you straight/bisexual/gay?: Pansexual?
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S P E C I F I C S
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- What kind of shampoo do you use?: Strawberry!
- What are you listening to right now?: Celine Dion
- Who is the last person that called you?: Bishop
- How many buddies are online right now?: 14
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F A V O R I T E S
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- Animal: Crows and Foxes!
- Color: Chartreuse
- Drink: Mezzo Mix
- Element: Ice
- Food: Raw Salmon!
- Game: Tales of Symphonia
- Movie: Princess Bride
- Song: Can't Take it In - Imogen Heap
- Subjects in school: English!
- # What's a TV? *has no time*
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H A V E | Y O U | E V E R
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- Given anyone a bath: Yes?
- Smoked?: Hookah, once, not my thing
- Bungee jumped?: No!
- Made yourself throw up?: Not in an eating disorder kind of way, but yeah.
- Skinny dipped?: Yeah!
- Ever been in love?: Yes.
- Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: Oh yeah.
- Pictured your crush naked?: Mmhmm
- Actually seen your crush naked?: Wouldn't you like to know ;)
- Cried when someone died?: Yes
- Lied: Yes
- Fallen for your best friend?: No.
- Used someone?: Not on purpose...
- Done something you regret?: NO REGRETS! NEVER LOOK BACK! Yes.
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C U R R E N T
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- Clothes: My kickin' it jeans, t-shirt, no shoes, work bra.
- Desktop picture: Field of wheat, with rolling hills in the distance, at sunset.
- CD in player: Hits of 1993
- DVD in player: The Gamers: Dorkness Rising
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L A S T | P E R S O N
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- You touched: Roman!
- Hugged: Roman!
- You kissed: Boyfriend :3
- You IMed: Charlotte!
- Talk to online: Charlotte!
- You sexed it up with: Shhh!
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A R E | Y O U
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- Understanding?: I try to be
- Open-minded?: Sure hope so!
- Arrogant?: On occassion
- Insecure?: Yes. Unfortunately, yes. Very.
- Random?: Oh yes!
- Hungry?: In the winter? Always. In the summer? Never.
- Smart?: Why yes. I try not to brag about my IQ *cough187cough*
- Moody?: Usually only at night, if I'm alone.
- Organized?: Nope! Not in the slightest!
- Shy?: Depending on the situation.
- Difficult?: Can be. Not afraid to be.
- Bored easily?: Yes! My brain needs distraction!
- Entertained easily?: Oh yes!
- Obsessed?: With some things ;)
- Lazy?: If I have time, then yes. I deserve it :P
- Angry?: Almost never.
- Happy?: In general. Recently, quite happy.
- Hyper?: With coffee.
- Trusting?: To a fault
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R A N D O M
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- In the morning I: will destroy you for waking me up.
- Love is: a rare, wonderful thing. Different every time.
- I dream about: All of the things. Important people.
- What do you notice first in the sex you're into: Eyes, hands, voice, personality.
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W H O
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- Makes you laugh the most: Boyfriend :3
- Makes you smile: Roman!
- Gives you a funny feeling when you see him/her: A few people. What kind of funny are we talking here? :P
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D O | Y O U | E V E R
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- Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: Not in a long time.
- Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: Not since I was 10
- Wish you were younger?: No!
- Cry because someone said something to you?: Yes.
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N U M B E R
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- Of times I have had my heart broken?: Only one time that really hurt. A few after that just didn't.
- Of CD's I own: upwards of 50, but no CD player
- Of scars on my body: at least 6.

This person was a big influence on my life. He pulled me out of my worst spots, gave me another option when I felt there were none left, and inspired me to be the person I am today. I don't know where I would be if he hadn't been in my life. But what's funny is that after he left, on my 17th birthday, I started to live an entirely different life. My friend group changed, I took new risks, got interested in new and interesting things. Ive met a lot of new people since then, finally written down most of my book, and experienced life in ways I didn't think a person could. I missed him every day, and I still miss him most days. I probably always will. But tonight, I am just grateful to have known him at all.

I'm not sure how else to describe him, or even why I'm trying to. Maybe so I can look back at this journal sometime and remember how I feel right now. He was an imaginary friend, guardian angel, spiritual guide, and the thing I loved most about life, all rolled into one. Now I love who I am, and where I am.

I was thinking about him today, mostly because I got a letter in the mail that I wrote to myself when I was in 8th grade. There was the usual thing about my boyfriend at the time, how school was going, questions I wished I knew the answers to. And a picture I had drawn of this person.

I thought about all the things that had changed, and realized a few opportunities that I was sure he would want me to take. And I could have sworn for just a moment that I heard his voice, giving me some sound advice.

"Don't fuck up."

I promise I won't. Not too badly anyway ;P

I don't know, I think I'm just tired of my life being so... monotonous? I want to do something that feels more real, less safe, more fun, less easy. I want to go somewhere where no one knows my name and not leave any trail to find me. I want to know if I'll be the same person if I am surrounded by different places and things. I feel like I could be different, maybe even better. Maybe less afraid. For someone who talks so big, I sure don't do much. I help people overcome things, but I can't help myself.

I think part of the problem right now is that I'm being forced into a lot of the things I said I would never do. I'm going to a community college, even though I was accepted to prestigious schools, because the money that was always there for my schooling isn't there anymore. I'm living at home, when I swore I would get out at the first chance I got. Lord knows I've had plenty of chances now, and they've all been so risky that I've shied away.

Every day is the same and I'm going insane. I need help, but I don't know with what and even if I did I wouldn't know how to ask for it. And the sad thing is, the thing that used to help me, the thing I lost more than a year ago, is still gone. And I thought I was over it, but I'm realizing that I'm not. And I'm not sure I can be on my own.

And I'm not making any sense. I guess what I really want, more than anything, is for someone to be there for me. To let me know that I'm not on my own, even though I feel like it and even though I can't seem to talk about it. I hate to think that a relationship might help, since the last few have been hell. But I think if I could trust enough to get that support and have it actually work, I might feel better.

I'm lonely, even surrounded.

You know, because its all in good fun!

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2742068/

The campout was awesome! I shared a tent with  Romanpower ,  Milo-kun , and  Kangaroo-county-productions . All awesome people, and very fun to be with, even if the air mattresses were from hell and we packed way too much food. I made a lot of new friends too! For my first time ever going camping, I think it was pretty great!

Some good and bad news as well. The bad news is that we had to put down Missy, our 20 year old cat, the day before we left for the campout. She had reached the end of her life, and though she really had only a few hours left, we didn't feel that she should have to suffer them. We buried her up on Mount Diablo, where she has a view that would make anyone jealous. There are flowers already growing where she is laid. We'll miss her, especially my brother and I, because she's been with us for our entire lives.

On a more positive note, we finally have a house to move into. I'll be moving in on the 17th, and I'm really looking forward to it. I'll be living pretty close to both  RomanPower and  GroggyFox so it should be fun! I'm going to apply for a job at the local bowling alley too.

Well, it had been my hope to be settled down in a new house by now. But I'm currently, and will be for the forseeable future, sleeping on my Aunt's couch. So I'm not exactly settled down. We've got 5 people and 6 animals in this house right now, and it isn't exactly fun. But at least there's room. I'm the only one without a bedroom at this point, and that's just because I'm "taking one for the team". I've got quite the list of art to get done from that last journal, and I'm still excited to be doing all of it. Its just a wee bit difficult to churn it all out as fast as I had hoped.

In other news, I'm going to the FC Campout and Picnic in a couple weeks. If anyone here is going, come find me! Or I'll just have to go find you :) I'll be with just my ears and tail this time, but I should have my fullsuit done my January for FC.

I want to try and do a picture of each of the species listed as search options here on FA. But I would really like to do specific characters if I can, instead of thinking up some generic ones. If you want yours drawn, and it's a species that someone else hasn't called yet, I'll do it free :). These will likely just be sketches, unless I really like how they are coming out, and then I might color them. No promises though! Comment if interested :)

Dragons (CLOSED)
Freyskol
Dragon-Tear
Walnut225

Foxes (CLOSED)
Ryo-Ohki-Rosefox
Intohimo

Wolves
LonelyWolf182

Dogs
Frozen
TawnyCrow

Skunk
Katzyaka

Humanoid
Katalyst
Ashkore2777 (couple)

Horse
Rizel

It's still summer for me, since I haven't found a job yet, but 6 o clock saw me already wide awake. It might be more accurate to say that I didn't even sleep, despite trying to for 6 hours. I don't really know how to describe in text what's going on with me emotionally; that's what art is for I guess. But I feel out of place. A lot of things are changing, and I'm resisting them. Maybe its time for a change of my own. I can't keep doing this.

The beginning of June seemed like the best time of my life. I had a ball at Califur, graduated High School, spent most of my time outside of the wreck that is my house, and strengthened a lot of connections.

Now at the beginning of July, the backside of all the happiness has finally caught up with me. My emotions were running high at Califur, and a lot of what I enjoyed about being there has backfired on me. I got caught up in something stupid, and got my feelings involved somewhere they never should have been. And I've just realized how painful the result is. My trust is shot, and I'm suspicious of people now who I've trusted for years. It isn't even their fault.

Graduating meant a lot of thing. Today I said goodbye to a friend, and realized that soon I'll be saying goodbye to dozens of them as we all go in separate directions with our lives. But I'm staying here, taking a year off to work, because unlike my friends I can't afford to go to college.

Staying here for another year means staying with a 'family' that is really just a collection of related people who are too different from one another to make anything work.

Years ago, I had people I could run to. I had a place I could leave and go to, far away, where someone would be there waiting. And now, when I need it, I don't. And if I feel this alone now, I dread how I'm going to feel when the people I love go away too.

I'm going to try getting out of the house for now. Later, when they all leave, maybe I'll leave the country for a while. A change of scenery and living on the cheap where no one knows me sounds like just what I might need.

Its summer! I have finally graduated from highschool, which is the good news. The bad news is that I need to get a few jobs and such because I have no money for college. So commissions are good. I'll be posting examples in the next few days of the stuff I can do. As of right now I am not going to be taking fursuit commissions because I still need to finish mine and I promised a couple of others to some friends too. So those will be first. But I am planning to offer ears, tails, badges, paintings, sketches, sculptures, etc. So check back in a few days from now if you are interested. I'm stuck at home with a cold right now, so I may as well work.

In other news, Califur was great! I'm really glad I went. Got to spend time with a lot of amazing people, you all know who you are, and did a lot of really fun things. I'm super stoked for FC 2012. In the meantime, I'll continue trying to convince people that having a convention here in the East Bay is a great idea.