Yep, I'm still here and still around.

I was in San Diego, California for 3 years and now I am currently writing this journal from my home country for the next three years. I am in Japan. I'm excited to be here. Plans to get into a job are not looking great, but I remain optimistic. I bought a bicycle to help me with my travels and future commute. I have loads and loads of art to work on uploading which I have been doing here and there, but with no regular schedule, mostly because I like to try to find the sources and some pieces are 3 years old now and it can be hard to track down the artist and all the galleries, but I still work on it.

So yeah, there is a quick and fast update. See all you lovelies around.

Well, by typing this journal, I hope this is evidence enough that I am still around and alive. Am I well? Most days. There are still days I am no so much.

2020 was such a tough year. I could deal with the isolation, that part I had little issue with. Everything being cancelled though, that was difficult. When every year I do my best to drive here, do an adventure there, road trip on the motorcycle for a week, it hurt to stay home all year because there were so many more complications with travel. Conventions I knew had to stop but it still didn't stop the fact that it hurt to see them cancelled. Even with the local furs we stopped doing month coffee meets partly because the coffee shops were closed for a time and staff finding it to be in everyone's best interest to cancel them until things improved.

Work got tough near the start of the pandemic. I stopped working FedEx in July of 2019 and work for a smaller beverage distribution company in the warehouse that mostly operates in Idaho and a little into Montana. When bars shut down, the alcohol sales spiked and it was a lot of extra work for us and to make matters worse we went to 4 day work weeks to allow the facility a full 72 hour shutdown because Covid couldn't live on a surface for more than that and our Covid task force felt it was a good plan of action. We had our bad weeks as people got the virus and plenty of good days where things would be fine. It definitely lead to a record year in sales which meant a lot of $100 handshakes for our performance, so little bonus for our extra efforts. Things settled down finally and almost back to how it was when I started in August of 2019.

My parents got Covid at the end of October and seeing as I still live with them, meant I couldn't go anywhere for 2 weeks. Did I catch it myself? I don't think I did or if I did I had no symptoms. Both my parents fared well only showing symptoms for 2 to 3 days and were over it. The best possible outcome, especially with some of the medical conditions they have.

In November I bought my dream car. A 2003 Honda Element EX with just over 200,000 miles on the clock. Won it at the auto auction and has been my project since to clean up and make looking nice again for its future. A future though that will likely start with it sitting in storage for the next 5 years or so while I live overseas.

Yep, I'm moving. My husband is part of the Navy and his current orders are almost over and in November, a week after I bought my new car, he got selected for Japan. We're still waiting for all the details and his orders to come in the mail that outline everything like move dates, things to be done before the move, suitability screening, and more. It's going to be a huge change in life. I'm both excited and terrified. I know my dad doesn't want me to go, loosing one of his biggest helpers around the house and just how different it is to his norm of living in the same state pretty much all his life. I have to say though, his words mean less and less these days as he is one of probably many that have taken to drink a lot more since Covid began and there have been far to many nights of degrading lectures in his belligerent state or finding him passed out on the floor or in the garage in a chair when I get home from work. But that's a whole different thing I don't need to go into.

Looking forward, 2021 is going to be a big year for me. I have a car and a motorcycle to sell and more to reduce what I have to store for the years I'm living in Japan. I'm really hoping to take the Honda on a few trips around the country, get my time out of it while I can before I have to store it for an extended amount of time. I really don't know what to expect. It's so new, but I also know there will be plenty of help to make the transition there.

I think that's all I really have for now. I really need to get some art posted here again. I have such a backlog, but hardly the motivation to do it most days. Maybe something to set as a mini goal for myself for 2021.

I’m still around. I’m sure me posting art makes that obvious even if it doesn’t happen often. I just don’t commission enough art or never get art delivered that I commission lol. Fuck my luck. I’ve been doing plenty in my life, just haven’t sat down to talk about it.

Might as well mention some things about 2018 I guess while I’m here. It was a good year for me. No, a GREAT year for me. Lots of personal growth and adventures, oh my. I cannot believe I did 4 cons this year. BLFC was a blast. I wasn’t expecting it, but it came out of left field and I really ended up enjoying myself. I have the Bird Crew to thank for that. Being invited to hang out with so many other avian furs was amazing, especially meeting some of them in person and getting to chat with them. Folks like Merystic, Nasido, Rein, StormGryphon, and much much more. That made it just amazing and hopefully things go that well again for BLFC 2019.

I went to Canada this year for two cons. First time out of country and I’m glad I did. Canada is beautiful and the folks I met up there are incredibly friendly and nice. Drive all the way up to Edmonton for Fur-eh! which was a thousand-mile drive solo. Quite the adventure just for some furries, but again, happy I went and came away from that with a lot of new friends that I got to meet again the second time I went up for Red Deer Mini Con.

Also did the small con down in Utah, Anthro Weekend Utah and met up with some old friends at that. Tiny con, probably the smallest I’ve been to, but it was fun, especially after finishing my fullsuit at the con. X> So now I have a fullsuit of Mar and boy the extra attention you get being a full suiter over a partial is very noticeable. It’s also noticeably hotter, but I can survive that.

I don’t know what else to talk about folks. I guess if ya’ll want to ask questions, I’ll happily answer.

Looking forward to next year. Already have a room for BLFC, plans to return to Fur-Eh, and plans to fly out for Fur the More in Virgina. Have to see how many more get added to the list as the year goes on.

~Purple the Gryphon

Yep, I'm still here. Lurking a lot, watching my submission count get bigger by the day thinking I should be faving more, but wow there is just so much. Still alive, mostly functional, working and doing the class things. Work hasn't been great lately. Losing people faster than we can replace them. Some of you know how that goes.

Over spring break I busted out my fursuit stuff and actually made some progress. Got Mar's torso all shaved up and pretty much done, feet paws are pretty much done too, and really the only big thing that needs to be done is the head. I have all the materials and tools for that now, so pretty close to having a partial put together again. Which is good because I would love to suit at a con again.

And speaking of cons, I am attending BLFC. It is official. Registered, room is reserved, time off accepted, so it is a go. Should be fun. If I have a suit done by then - I've got two months to work on it - I will be a great time.

Anyway, short sweet update. You can chat with me if you really want to know more of what all has happened in my life since my last journal.
~Purple the Gryphon

I've been out of my parent's house a month. I have no idea how I'm still where I'm at. I feel like I should have failed by this point. Maybe it's still too early to tell. A lot can happen in a month. I'm pretty settled, not missing home, and doing an okay job at keeping the place clean with the help of roommates. Food thankfully hasn't been an issue yet nor should it be thanks to my parents and grandparent. I'm already been told by my parents that they won't let me starve. They will help me out with groceries, but they won't enable me with money to pay for things like my rent or internet or cell phone. That's fine. I just have to make sure I say when I'm going hungry, because I'm a stubborn butt fluff that will try beak and claw to not ask for help unless I really need it.

I think I have been faring well. One of the roommates seems to have observed that I appear happier being out of my parent's place. I certainly agreed to it when it was said, but this past week I would doubt it and maybe say there has been no change in my overall mental shape. I'm pretty sure my mental side is fine though if I am feeling the way I am. It is "normal" for me to have these ups and downs. I am getting a little concerned for my physical health. Before I moved out, I hovered in a weight range of 135-145 lbs. I have dipped below that range and in a month have lost a little over 5 lbs to put me down about the 130 pound mark and I am starting to feel it. My legs don't feel as strong, any hint of weight around my belly is gone, my muscles in general don't feel as strong. I need to start looking for possible recipes to help me carb load and whatever else I can be doing to keep my health up so I can stay strong enough to work and still go to classes.

In other news, my parents assisted me in buying a new car to make sure I am covered for winter when we start getting conditions unfavorable for my motorcycle. I managed to find a 2003 Audi Allroad, one owner, Idaho car, and it is just amazing. It is too rich for my blood to be honest. It is a luxury car/wagon and I am just the usual broke college student struggling paycheck to paycheck. I'm sure I'll make it work, but it was certainly a surprise to find and now own. Also, with me riding my bicycle to class every day, I have been to greatly limit gas costs. I filled up my motorcycle two weeks ago and I still have another 60 miles on that tank before I need to start considering putting gas in it. I basically took my $12 of gas a week for my motorcycle down to $12 of gas every other week to every third week so saving 12-24 dollars with my bicycle commute to campus. So nice. Sure it is small, but with where I am at right now, every little bit counts.

That's all for now.
Purple the Gryphon(ness)

That's right. I'm finally making an attempt to move out of my parent's house and start to be a little more independent. Wish it could have been sooner because I have less than a week before classes start for the fall semester. An alright 2 bed 2 bath duplex for $800 a month with a garage, yard, and nice mature trees. Still close to home which works for me because it means I'm still close to work and closer to campus so I don't have to drive, ever. Even in winter it is a 20 minute walk down the street and that is just awesome. Definitely excited but certainly nervous as well. Definitely a big responsibility and it is definitely going to test me. Going to have to cut back on a lot of expenses, but in the end I should be able to make it work. How long will I be at this rental? No idea. Possibly two years, but hopefully no more than that.

Fall semester is starting soon and I think finally, after 5 years of college, I'm starting to get into the flow and doing better in classes. 5 years I've been doing this and still have a solid three semesters to go. All those upper division class requirements. Wish I could have been a better student earlier on, but not everyone goes into college as a genius and does it in the magic 4 years. I'm sticking with it though, even with all the failed classes and threats of academic probation. Pushing through that and moving back up into a strong C level student and hope to keep going from there so I can move into the next big phase of life and have a career that I can enjoy and support my lifestyle with less worry paycheck to paycheck.

I'm guessing at this point I've become a shadow, here on FA. Just another person with the interest in furry and gets the occasional art done. I've let myself down on plans to rebuild my fursuit. All my materials have been collecting dust, untouched at least for a year. Not sure when I'll get back into it. I would love to be enjoying it all now while I'm still young (still not 24 years old, for another month), but certain goals need to be reached so I can do those things. Having a place of my own, a decent job to get me by with some money to play with, and whatever else. Glaux it would be amazing to go out in fursuit again. I miss that magic of slipping into a different character and just being loved by everyone. The world seems so much better through the mask with a thick fur layer on. I'll get back there one day and maybe in a full suit rather than my partials I've always made. One day.

This has been words from the beak of Purple the Gryphon. Good night.

This is for those that of still have an inkling of care about what's happening in my life and for all I know that's nobody anymore and I'm just writing to entertain myself in some sick fashion.

To start, I'm not doing so great. I haven't been for the past week because of an injury I got on the job. A driver, in his incompetent rage, punched a stack of boxes I was standing behind and me not knowing it was coming had no time to brace or guard against the box that hit me. It bent me backward pretty good and hours later the pain in my back was overwhelming. I saw a chiropractor the following day and was told I damaged the soft tissue around my lumbar. I was given a brace to wear to help with the healing and was able to return to work the following day with a heavy restriction on lifting and bending of any sort. My pain has gotten a lot better since the hours and days following the incident, but it still bugs me at times. Having to rely less on my back is putting a lot of strain on my knees, which have never been in good shape. 23 years old and I have knees of someone who is 50 or older. I imagine by the time my back is fully healed in 2 months I will need to be looking for a specialist to scope and x-ray my knees to see what the issue is with them like thin cartilage in the joints or something.

Despite my injury and my limited ability to lift anything, I am still able to work (thank the stars). It isn't easy though. I am reduced to working only two areas in our facility at the current time and it's miserable, I'm miserable. Being the person that I am, I want to help where help is needed. I want to do work and make sure everything is moving right so drivers can get on their routes ASAP, but I can't do anything. I have to sit back and watch because if I try to help, I will ruin all progress in my healing and have to start from week 1 again. It's depressing really. Able to work, but unable to do the work is what it comes out to be. I can't even do the job I actually have as a trainer and train new people because that requires the regular lifting work that happens at FedEx. I don't like it. The past two days doing my temporary job of basically sorting envelopes and small parcels I have been very down on myself, lost in the thoughts of all the things I can't do for a while.

You would think it being a temporary injury, my thoughts wouldn't be such a problem. Once I'm better I will be back to being happy and doing all the work and things I want to again. Only part right. I've been modifying my diet and nutrients to try and help me put on some weight and help my body out some. I weighed in at 146 pounds two weeks ago and even my Dad noticed I looked healthier. Well in two weeks, with the pain and stress of my injury and a few other things, I'm back in my zone of 135 pounds. It doesn't seem like much, but being 5 foot 10 inches, it makes a fair bit of difference. Stress does some terrible things. I haven't been feeling great often lately. I'm slacking on my hygiene and my eczema is coming back. I'm becoming a mess.

I know in my last journal I made mention of resolutions and all that nonsense and how I believed that people can't change. Well I am proving myself right. I can't change. I don't know what made me trend towards failure to begin with, but it is only continuing with this new semester. Little more than the half way point with spring break in a couple of days and I'm not doing well. I do well in the lab, but anything that involves a lecture anymore I am right on that cusp of failing. I can't seem to break away from that anymore. I can't seem to change my schedule, manage my time, and stay off the internet long enough to make a difference. Maybe I've just become addicted to the internet and the need for conversation through Skype. You would think that I would take classes seriously and try to do better because what I do in college and the degree that I get affects my future far more than some YouTube videos and friendly chat and RP on Skype. I just seem to get that idea to stick though an change my ways. If I fail another semester, I'm done. I already have the threat of academic suspension over my head, but I can't seem to change. I thought I was going to be better than my parents and graduate from college, but with how things are going I am not going to do that. I'm failing myself and any dreams I have.

This has been an update with me.

I’m really great at stressing myself out. I don’t know how I do it over and over again without learning, but I do. Maybe I’m just thick and suffer from something mentally. I’m just not good at being an adult. I struggle with money even though I live at home. I can’t do well in college, at least not well enough to please my parents. I have little friends and even greater difficulty making new ones. I feel pretty stuck in the quick sand and some days I think I’m sinking to a level I cannot rise from.

Dancing on the edge… dancing in that slim area between failure and not good enough. Not good enough means I still have some potential that just needs work, but once I fall to failure, I’m not sure how long life will have me. I want to say I’m depressed, but I’m not. I don’t take pills for it and can manage a smile a day and get my butt out of bed in the morning for work still. I can’t say with confidence that I’m happy either. I’m caught in that sine wave like most people between sad and happy and some kid is playing with the frequency knob.

I know some of my problems. I know some of my solutions. I, however, can’t seem to apply them and maybe help my direction in life. Am I going to bitch this entire journal? No. I am trying to change. I am trying to be better, but I believe people don’t change. I can’t expect much different for myself. I just need to find a way to fix me that plays to my strengths, to my habits.

You don’t want to hear about that though. That’s for me to figure out on my own time. How about something you might read and have it open your eyes a little bit.

The new year started recently. Hope you got your new calendar already or you’re wasting your money. I guess you don’t need a paper calendar anymore though. Your phone keeps one for you if you bother to look at it. Anyway, new calendar for the new year, all nice clean, untouched, blank. Blank. No record of anything before January 1st, 2015. No history, just full of present and future for the next year. Not too much unlike you all. You have your present, you have a future with some knowns, but is mostly unknown. Blank slates of days that could go great and you feel good or could go terrible and you get into an accident. It is out of your control, even the events you have planned have vulnerability to the unknown, positive or tragic.

What you have that no new calendar does is history. You have a past that makes you who you are. Maybe you think you are just the greatest person in the world and you feel good about yourself. If you think that, you are on some serious drugs and I want some from you, please. Maybe you think you are pretty terrible, worthless, and unfit for society. Something in your history made you feel that way today. Something in your history made you feel the way you do about yourself and what you are today and you can’t change that. Not today. That’s what resolutions are for, yeah? To tell yourself that you are going to wait for the new year and start with your blank calendar to change who you are for the next year… bullshit.

Why are you waiting for a new year? What is it about a new year that makes it “the time” to set resolutions about yourself and change? It’s cliché and nobody is buying it that you will change this time, this year. A resolution is a self-intervention or several of them and you tell yourself that you will take steps to make a change. If you have done that, you have likely failed in changing and staying changed. Now, think of an intervention with a group of friends and maybe family telling you that you need or should change. What is it that they can offer that you can’t do well by yourself? Offer support. Offer time. Offer advice. Help keep you on the track of improving yourself the way you want to be. Help check in to make sure you are still shooting for your goal.

You don’t need to wait for a new year to do this though. Interventions happen all year, not just the first days of the new one. If there is something that you want to change about yourself, don’t wait to do it. Make it happen as soon as possible. Help your chances of changing to the you that you want to work towards and get friends and family in on it and ask them for help. It they are truly your support group, they will help you with anything if it helps you become a better you.

Fuck I can’t keep a good train of thought going for very long. Anyway, hopefully someone gleans something valuable from that mess of nonsense and makes a change for the better. I’ll worry about my other thoughts elsewhere. This is no longer my place for passive thoughts of suicide, rage, anger, sadness, nothing. The community doesn’t need it. It already has too much of it. Anyway, later dweebs.

~Purple the Gryphon

Do you have a fine, attractive, female gryphon character? Do you want to want to meet up with other fine, attractive gryphon ladies at the beach? Well this is the opportunity for you!

 papatika is doing a SFW group commission for gryphon ladies. She has 8 free spots left for it and another week before she closes the entries to start working on it. Spots are $25 and this will be a colored piece.

If you have a female gryphon gal (or herm) go and check it out and see about getting yourself signed up!

>>> http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7178597/ <<<

Nothing special here. Move on. Better things to see than this page.

Well I was going to write something long and boring about more self-analysis like I have done way in the past, but who cares. Nobody does. I’ll just keep it to myself.

Have this stupid fact instead; today I’m 23. September 15. Another year older, two semesters wiser, and looking at life through a brighter pair of glasses.

~Purple the Gryphon

Yep, I am not able to make it to RMFC this year. A whole list of issues arose and rather than try to balance them with the trip, I just chose to cancel going. No RMFC for this gryphon this year. Not sure when I’ll be going back to be honest. Part of my problems lately have been a lack of desire to want to fursuit (finishing making mine in this case) and going to a con. The appeal that first lead me to them is gone and they are constantly more stress than seems worth it.

So yeah… no RMFC. My admission going to waste, but whatever. I’ll let the con have it as a donation and just move on. I have other things to settle before getting back into any cons, if I ever feel like going back.

Holy shit, a new journal from Purple!

Yeah, been really slacking around here on the FA side of things. Got a backlog of submissions to fave, comment, and save to my archive of burd. I’m here to liven it back up a little with some talk about things people might actually be interested in.

I am headed to RMFC this year. Wish I could say I was genuinely excited about going, but sadly that is not the case this time around. A month away and I am still going between wanting to be excited about going and just wanting to skip it. I registered for it last year though, so I guess I might as well go and try to enjoy my time.

Most of the issues I am having, the things that make me hesitate about going, are just personal ones. My biggest one for me this year is the same as last year, fursuit. My first 3 cons I went to, I had a fursuit to wear and it was so nice to be able to suit up and just wander around. Didn’t have to go to panels to enjoy the con, I could just walk around in suit, get some attention and pictures and be adorable and that was all I needed. Last year showed me how different things are without a suit and how much I missed doing it. I started Mar’s remake, but things aren’t going well. The body is not fitting how I want it to and I still have a head to finish and a month to attempt if I feel so bold. I don’t think I can do it though and be happy with the result. I need more time and I don’t have that.

Second would be finances and just the trip itself. While I’m sure I can pull it off and have my brother helping pay my way, I am and pretty much always have been the coordinator for this trip. Managing the stops, departure times, hotel check-in, room management, all that shebang. It stresses me out. It stresses me to a point where I am so mentally drained I would be happy with sleeping all con until I have to drive back home.

Lastly, so you can stop listening to me whine, is the lack of friends this year. This is both a blessing and a curse. Last year the choice of friends that I had brought along and had roomed with me was a rather interesting. Not going to go into details, but there was a constant tension. I could feel it and it was really messing with me. This year to go without them helps clear that trouble, but also presents the issue of not knowing anyone there. Not great at making new friends and a mild case crowd anxiety tends to keep me from approaching anyone so I just linger and wander without saying a word, being a shadow moving the halls.

And I’ll just stop with that. For anyone interested, I will be there. Probably won’t have a suit so no clue what I’ll be doing at the con, but I’ll try to make myself visible a time or two.

Well it is on this end of the country. Already well into spring conditions. Highs in the 70s, trees growing fresh leaves and flowers are budding, the finches are fornicating out my front window while I eat second breakfast, days are windy or dead, and I can ride my motorcycle with all my light gear now.

What’s been up with me? Well for those who care, not a whole lot of great importance.

I did a 1,100 mile motorcycle at the end of March. That was a good ride. Good test of my motorcycle and of myself. First day was the only rough day. Cold with some wind and some rain, but thankfully no snow. Every day after that though was nice and bright. I got lost on my second day or riding and ended up taking a 100 mile detour. Still made it to my destination though just fine and had a nice two days to relax and enjoy with a good friend before doing it all over again. By the end of the ride, I was ready for a break and my motorcycles was ready for all her new parts.

Did a lot of work on my motorcycle after my ride. Replaced the front and rear sprocket, chain, and tires. Took in my forks for a repair because I blew the seal on one on my trip back down. After two weeks of waiting on parts and getting things installed, I got her all back together and running beautifully again. She is a whole new motorcycle with the new parts on her. The tires are soooo smooth and so much more agile than my last tires. She feels better than new and I’m just as excited, if not more so, as the first day I got to bring her home.

I have been struggling a bit lately on the financial size. All my fault of course. I’m just not great at managing my money. I thought I was, but it obviously isn’t so. Have two cards to pay off, but not terribly buried in debt. I’m just a little deeper in the red than I would like to be. It would be nice if I could take up a second job to help supplement what I’m making already, but as it stand, I can’t do it without overstretching my abilities. It causes me a lot of stress already to be in the position that I am in and some days it really weighs down on me.

My desktop PC died last month. It was starting to give me issues for two months or so and teasing me with dying or not dying. It finally kicked the bucket and I haven’t been able to fix it. Well I found parts and put them on a wish list and was going to wait till I have at least one of my credit cards paid off. I failed myself and bought parts over the weekend. Wasn’t a huge amount, but was still a cost I didn’t want to make. It wasn’t everything I needed though. Still shy a graphics card to do anything other than put an image on the screen thanks to a friend so hey, didn’t splurge, but still spent money.

I guess the last thing I’ll throw out there is I’M GRADUATING! YAY! *Throws confetti* But…. It’s only my Associates Degree. I’m happy though. It is a milestone to me to show that I have actually been making progress. I’ve been in the college academic system for 3 years now and I finally have something to show for it. I thought I had to take a summer session to get that certificate, but after talking with my adviser and the registrar, we got some credits moved around and wouldn’t you know I had enough credits without the need for a summer class. So I’m happy and now I’m moving on to a four year university to get my Bachelors in Biology. What am I going to do with that? I still haven’t the slightest clue.

That’s about all I got for you all now. You can certainly ask more of what’s been going on though. I’m feeling in a good mood this week and could talk more about myself if you care to listen. Anyway, all you have a wonderful day and warm sunny days! ^v^

~Purple the Gryphon

A polite heads up that the following journal is 900+ words.

First rough patch of the New Year. Glaux I haven’t written a journal in so long, watching the world from the shadows. Guess I should get to the point I started writing before I lose it.

I’m rather distraught as of late. Dealing with a lot of emotional pain. I might look fine on the outside, but the stoic play is an act to keep the wrong people from nosing their way into my problems where they don’t belong. After finishing a book just a few hours ago, I had a realization, a new hint at what might be causing me so much trouble for this episode of sadness, pain, and near depression. I get too emotionally invested into things stories of Shard from Song of the Summer King by Jess E. Owen or movies like The Hunger Games and following Katniss through all her troubles. I put myself in their place, feel what they feel, experience what they do and my mind plays out how I would react until I keep reading on or continue watching.

It makes me see how much of a coward I am, what little strength and courage I truly have. I would have been broken at the first confrontation that each of them faced, curling up and wishing to disappear. The worlds they exist in work against them in every way possible, driving them to cling to a hope as thin as a strand of spider’s silk. In such hours, I would lose that fiber and wish for it to engulf me and end my suffering. I am a coward compared to them and how their authors had written them. Extraordinary characters in the face of perils and dangers few of us will ever have to face as they did. I grasp that they, Shard, Katniss, and many other heroes like them live in a world unlike ours where such cases do happen. In the world we exist in, such conflicts don’t arise as often if ever and yet, I am afraid. Afraid of things that will never happen to me because I am not as special, as strong, as fearless as they can be in their worlds.

No, I live in a world with much smaller challenges to face, but it does not stop me from being afraid. I grow sick with fear and worry of what might happen in the now and in the future. My mind wanders too far down paths that could only happen in worlds not of our own, but it doesn't stop it from leading me down a trail where I lose everything, from my friend and family to my own life. It makes me beg for answers to questions that cannot be answered and it makes me afraid. Some subjects hurt more than others, fear turning to pain as I think of things I will not have. I understand I have lots of life in me still, but finding a partner in life feels so impossible that it often drives me to tears. My emotional attachment to fictitious characters only makes those fears, sadness, and pains worse. Even if I didn’t have them, have Irene, or have Mar I would be a fearful person of what my life will sum up to.

I know I have touched the lives of many, but fear tells me my impact is insignificant in the bigger picture. Worthless and afraid, even in the face of my small challenges I want to curl up and disappear and be heard from no more. My help is nothing it seems and I only seem to hear of it when it does more damage than good. I helped a stranger out the home of their parents to try and let them live a happier life with their mate and now they are more unhappy than when they started, before they got my aid. I know it was me because I still have the notes from both them and the mate, thanking me for my help and now to see what has become of my help makes my heart heavy and my thoughts dark. More friends around me fall on hard times too and I wish I could do more to help, but I can’t. Times are getting tough for a brief spar on me as well and I can’t reach out to ask for help. It seems that way that is or the things that I need help with I can’t get from those I know or feeling like I’m asking too much.

February is looking to be tough month for me in several areas, but I don’t know how tough with my fears playing it out like a strategist and finding every worst case scenario in it. I’ll make it through though, through the financial hardships and the emotional and mental trails of work, class, and drivers on the road. All trails I fear might break me and let others see all the hate and other emotions I’ve done so well to keep under wraps and bear heavy consequences for if their release should it be directed at one it was not meant for.

I am afraid. Day to day I live in fear, but not fear of others but fear of myself and my actions. I am not strong, not as strong as Shard or Katniss, who manage to be strong in the face of greater hardships. I will keep to my shadow, hiding and watching the world go by because I am a coward and I let my fear rule me and take away my life.

Writing this mostly to hear what you all have to say, but first, my torn opinion on the topic.

Firstly, I have no issues with it and my hard drive does not lie. Porn is just one of those universal languages. There is something out there for everyone, well most everyone. Furries, we have our own form of it and cover all the kinks that could ever exist and making up new ones. Our reasons for doing it vary greatly as well. Some pieces I've seen interpret real life events, others for the partners of long distance relationships, and those that get adult art of their character left and right at the pull of a zipper. I have no issues with any of these. I find that it is great some times to see that people are expressing their sexual side in art because they feel that in touch with their character or just like having their fantasies drawn out because they couldn't happen in this life for legal reason or because they just flat out defy the limitations of any living thing.

Well then what's your problem Purple? You have no issues with it like you said two or three times already.

I am, I know, I know. I just start to feel hesitant when it comes to getting my own characters into adult art. Granted I have some mature and adult pieces of both Mar and Irene, but those were either gifts or some deal or urge to get something adult after so many clean pieces. But that is exactly my issue is trying to look like a rather clean furry at first glance. Really this is probably an issue easily remedied by making an account to dump all my furry art from general to adult and use this one for fursuit pictures and my photography. I just don't want to make the extra account to do that when everyone knows me here. Maybe I'm just complaining about nothing and should just shut my beak and get over how I look to everyone in terms of my page and gallery.

This only comes up because I want to start getting more adult art of Mar and Irene (mostly Irene), but I don't know if I really want to post it here if I do that. It's the biggest thing keeping my money out of other artists banks. The sudden urge of wanting more adult art comes from my constant struggle with my self image, gender identity, and sexuality. I have so many things I want to do sexually, but that is one of the hardest things for me to get comfortable with in my real life so I'm just getting to the point where I want the outlet of art of my characters to get that itch.

Biggest point behind me writing this, since it got buried, is what would you guys think of me getting more adult art and posting it here? Does it really matter to anyone or should I just go through with setting up a separate account for art like that for you and future followers to watch that only want to touch themselves? I guess I'm just feel like it is important to show that I have a public side that is approachable by anyone and a naughty side that those more interested in getting under the tail can just go to.

Sorry for confusing the shit out of anyone. I'm not best at communicating my ideas some times. If you don't get what I'm looking for, read it a second time and you should be able to see it.

Anyway, let me know what you folks think.
~Purple the Gryphon

Not that anyone cares, but I won't be frequenting this parts much anymore. There is just little for me here. I'm not an artist, my photography is rare, might as well have given up writing, and fursuiting ha! I hardly do commissions as well, but that might be because half the artists I've given money to have walked off with it and I never hear from them again.

I am not leaving, no. There is still some cool art that pops up here that I like to see as well as the porn, but as for my activity... well might be close to flatline unless something changes. I'm just too distracted with work, college, and giving my time away to really do anything here. So yeah... later.

That’s right. Went from an RMFC meme to this. Sorry for not writing up a con report, but I just could not make myself do one.

Back to classes and hopefully my last semester at the small community college and bumping up to the university next semester to keep going on my degree. Only have two classes this semester, Ecology and Chemistry 102 and both have labs. Pretty crazy for two classes to make up 9 credits together but they do. Thankfully I got my schedule worked out rather nicely even if it does run me later than I want to be during the week, but everything can’t be perfect all the time. I only have classes Tuesday and Thursday which is great, just two days a week for classes. Downside to it is I am on campus from 10am or so all the way till 9pm. 11 hours on campus just taking care of a class or homework or waiting in the library for another class or lab to happen. A total pain in the rump but necessary.

That’s all that I got for sharing for now people. Have a nice day.

Where are you staying?
Staying at the main hotel.

What day are you getting there?
I will be arriving Thursday.

Who will you be with?
Road tripping down there with

What is your gender?
What does it matter to you?

Are you mated? in a relationship?
Single and free for the most part.

What suit(s) will you have?
I will hopefully have Mar's remake ready to go by the con. Cutting it pretty close.

Can I talk to you?
Definitely!

Can I touch you?
Public friendly touches, sure. Anything, please ask for consent.

Can I hug or snuggle with you?
Hugs in fursuit are always welcome. Snuggles... not quite my thing.

Can I buy you drinks?
Yes you can. Water to Moonshine, I'll drink it or at least give it a try.

Attending parties?
Don't expect to, but if I get invited I'll be sure to try and stop in.

Attending any events?
If the fursuit is done, probably all the fursuiting events. Oh and the dances.

Are you nice?
As nice as my mood allows, which is good most of the time. Don't go taking advantage of it.

Can we hang out?
Should be plenty of time that I could do that, sure.

Where will you be most of the time during the days?
I will try to be on the convention floor as much as possible.

What/where will you be eating?
Not sure yet. Will try to save money and buy food ahead of time.

Do you drink Alcohol/Smoke?
I do the alcohols, but smoking I don't think I'll do while at the con. Besides I only do cigars.

Can I look in your sketchbook?
I'll bring mine, but it might not make it out of the room.

Can I draw in your sketchbook?
Certainly, if it makes it out of my room.

Can I take your picture?
Certainly, in suit mostly though. I don't think I'm that much of a looker without my fursuit on.

Other cons you may go to?
Nothing else for this year, sorry.

I am a device that sates desires and lusts of others. A tool to relieve tensions of all sorts, little more. I’ve been told “I love you” only so some could release their pent up lust. I have been told “I love you for your money”, just someones financial aid to one who defaults on their loans. I have my body used to feed others greed, signs of wear already showing though at my “youthful” age of 21. And seeing all this, I still go on being an instrument with hope still a ways off of rising above and being my own boss, my own success. Life will be kinder later and if not, I will find relief in the the death of this life and the rebirth in another.

Something I'm still working out of my system. This won't be here long. Hopefully have it gone tomorrow with an RMFC meme.

…and not enough living.

Hi everyone. Been a while since I've posted anything in the way of a personal journal. To say I've been busy is an understatement. Ever since my summer break started I've been going non-stop. Been working hard as I acquired a third job for summer that I might do in the Fall as well if my class schedule comes out well enough to allow it. I've had lots happen, but I won't write a book to you all about them, just quick summaries.

New job, what is it? Well I am working as an installer with a company that does hardwood floors. I don't do just installs though. I help install wood floors, sand them, stain them, seal them, coat them, and all the things needed to make beautiful hardwood floors in new homes or preexisting ones. Hard work with most of my day spent on my knees. Really hard to complain about the work though. I get paid $100 a day which is nice, but I'm one of those weirdos that likes to see the finished product of my work and go “Dang that looks nice. Hopefully whoever lives here will appreciate the work that we did here.” Pretty good job for the summer.

I just recently reserved the room for RMFC so that is a go. Definitely happening because I would probably die if I missed it two years in a row. It's one of two vacations I planned for myself this summer. The other one is in Portland close to the end of July for a mini convention which I am totally okay with. Should be nice and if it isn't, RMFC will be only a week away or so when I come back from that trip.

I made a big step in my life and took out my first loan ever to buy a motorcycle! ^v^ I'm amazingly lucky that I got the bike I did. Beautiful 2009 Suzuki Vstrom 650 in silver, the same silver as my gryphon motorcycle helmet too! It was just the bike for me and it came with around $2000 in extras so I'm all set for road trips. I thought my mild fear of motorcycles would keep me from being too confident with it, but I'm already riding it on the highway and just all over the place when I can. There is also the bonus that it gets about 51 MPG on average so it's easy on my monthly allowance on gas. I need to get some pictures of me on it and maybe riding to post here so you all can see how nice it looks and how small I look on it (yeah I look small on it. Dad even said I look anorexic on it XP).

I will be quitting one of my three jobs soon for the very reason that I am doing too much with the little time I have. Working two part time jobs and one full time job is just too much, even for me. It is stressing me out, making me loose sleep, making me develop issues like a chronically twitching eye and rashes around my eyes too. Time to get rid of one and that will be the one that is screwing me the most, the airsoft shop. It's hardly nice anymore working one day a week and my backlog of work guns building faster than I can fix them. Then I get customers breathing down my neck asking if their gun is done yet and they aren't because I haven't gotten that far. There is also the big part that my boss at that job cannot pay me. He tries to pay me cash under the table to save the taxes, but when 9 out of 10 customers pay with a card there is not cash to pay me with so I rack up hours of labor to be paid for and can't get paid. Rather frustrating and that is why I will be putting in my two weeks there next weekend and be done with that.

With all the added stress from my jobs I have been a wreck more than once this summer. My optimism is starting to falter and I can't seem to keep going on putting a fake smile on my face so people won't ask questions. Getting rather annoying. The lack of friends isn't helping that much either. I'm down to one friend I visit regularly in person and everyone else is gone or just a Skype friend. Getting lonely... again.

Let's see, my fur showed up yesterday so I can start getting to work recreating Mar for RMFC and hopefully have a partial ready because I know how much people recognize me as Mar and I want that. And to go to a con and not suit...? I don't know what I would do if I didn't suit at a con when I have fursuited at every con I've been to including my very first one. Need to get my rump in gear there and make sure I have that ready. So excited to get back into suit!

And I'm out of tea... looks like you'll have to hear more from me later. Hopefully that is enough to get you all caught up or at least partly so for those of you who have been wondering where I have been at. Now go have a wonderful day or a great night's rest.

Fluffs and hugs,
Purple the Gryphon