Working today and will probably have some downtime to draw.
Trying to get back into the swing of things. Post a safe for work ref and I'll sketch it up while I'm at work :)

-Rad

Alright. So I had to go into work early today and that fucked my plans up. I just got out and need to sleep because I work the morning shift. But thank the sweet fat roles of Buddha I get out at 2pm, and only have a morning meeting on Wednesday.

I'm sending notes out tomorrow morning since Tuesday mornings at work are slow. But they can also be extremely interesting. I'm kind of hoping one of our tanners who is like 70 years old comes in. Cause last time she talked to me about sex and it was hilarious. I was a little surprised when she started acting out her seduction techniques.

OH! And on a kind of lame fun note. My manager is letting me design layouts, and create graphic art for our emails we send out. She's also letting me design a brochure. I'm freaking out. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.

I really would like to try and do a stream tomorrow. But as co-commander I have to talk with an employee after my shift.

Now it's time to drive home. Awesomeness.

I will be coming back Monday June 13. I would like to apologize for my long absence from the site, and from those who I owe art. I plan on contacting those I owe on Monday and making things right.

There is a good reason for why I have not been as involved in art, and with this site as I have in the past. As you all know I started working at a tanning salon a year ago. I found out that the manager in charge was thrown into a bad situation, and needed help. So I offered help and became friends with my manager. A lot of times I worked after hours without getting paid. And I was and am okay with that. I'm still okay with it because I truly love working here, and have met some amazing people.

As you know it was a rough fall/ winter. My brother became sick. And I worked full time while going to school full time.

And Spike had a scare with colic. Which was not a fun day for me.

What I did not tell anyone was that I was being bullied at work. I didn't even tell my manager until a month or so later after the bullying became clear. I thought I was being a good person by becoming friends with someone who I thought was an adult. Someone that I thought I could look up to and who would understand me. There were red flags. Mean comments that were made of other people that I cared about. But I brushed it off. What happened was I distanced myself from this employee, and they were not happy about that. So they started bad mouthing me behind my back to my manager. Thankfully my manager did not believe her, and by the time true colors were shown we couldn't really do anything. We needed this employee. It was a seasonal position and once I was out classes for the summer we no longer needed this employee. We had made it clear what her last day was. And on her last day she called my manager telling her I should be fired. That I was a toxic person, that I talked behind peoples backs and said horrible things. She continued to tell my manager that I needed to be fired, and she needed to be hired in my place.

This whole ordeal has caused a lot of anxiety, stress, and depression. I never talked about it because I was terrified of this woman and still am. I admit I did not handle the situation well, and I did not cope well at all. I ignored the things I loved to do, and pushed people I deeply care about away. When I had my first problem with this bully I should have talked to my manager and I did not.

I would like to again apologize to those who have been nothing but supportive. Even when I disappeared. I appreciate the happy thoughts and love. I also feel guilty and ashamed that I let this part of my life fall. This is a great community, and I deeply miss creating art.

I am going to try baby steps first. Again contacting those I owe art to on Monday, uploading the freebie traditional art I have done, and maybe eventually streaming again.

Again I am so sorry that I have been gone this long.

Radical.

I woke up early and don't have to be into work for a few hours. I really want some practice. And I'm trying to get ready to Livestream this Friday. Since I don't work. So I thought I'd practice traditionally for a few days. Sketch a few things. Yea I've only had one cup of coffee so far.

So post a safe for work ref please.

What's going on...

Was working a lot over the summer. Am still working a lot now. We are getting more people in so hopefully I won't be working so much.

Brother had surgery a month or so ago. Then a week after was rushed to the hospital and was there for a week. It was not good for awhile. Older brother is okay now. But it's just a band aide on the problem.

Going to school full time but just went on break.

Giving horseback riding lessons to a police officer who wants to go into the mounted unit. Our lessons are about two hours. And then I go straight to work.

I work a lot. It sucks. I don't get days off. Of I do it is rare.

Having friend issues.

I want to get back into drawing but it is extremely difficult lately.

This is just a quick update. I hope to write a more detailed journal in three to five days. No promises.

Loves hugs and kisses.
Radical.

Over the weekend I had my grandmother say something extremely rude, and very hurtful. Now I am usually pretty satisfied with who I am. But for some reason all weekend she had been tearing me down. Yes I work at a tanning salon, and am not sure anymore what I would like to do with my life. I enjoy it. I like the challenge of winning over a customer, I enjoy educating them on lotions and safety, and I also like to sit and listen when they need an ear.

I have worked there for about over a month, and so far I am leading in sales. And the customers like me. My manager has talked to me about this. So I shared with my grandmother. All she could do was tear it all down. Tell me how that's not a real job, and explain to me how I need to stop being lazy with school. And that being in a Community College for as long as I have is embarrassing. At least I'm still in college.

Now I took it. Shoved my hurt feelings aside, and picked myself up. I did not allow her words to take away the pride I feel in myself. But when she looked at me, in front of all her friends, on the 4th of July, and told me I would me prettier and more beautiful if I lost weight. It killed me. I take time putting on makeup, and doing my hair. And I just about lost it. All I could do was smile and nod. On the inside I felt like I was being stabbed with a knife.

I'm just so tired of trying.

Alright so I work today. And during my down time I usually draw. So I'm going to offer
up a traditional freebie or two. They're going to be in pen probably and super sketchy.

I know I still owe art. I am very very aware of that. I am still slowly working on the digital art.
Lately digital art has been hard. Especially since I have to be home to do it. And I'm avoiding my
mother. But I'm going to try bringing all my computer stuff over to friend's houses when I hangout
with them. It's just hard.

Just post a ref and I'll probably just pick a few and work on them at work today.
I make no promises though.

They'll either be done in pencil or pen.

Loves hugs and kisses.
Rad

I'm getting sick of just updating shit.

Anyways I recently got a job. So I'm trying to juggle things around
and make a schedule so that I can focus on drawing, and then focus on going to work.
(I work at a tanning salon. Free tanning ya'll)

I am also helping my grandmother out twice a week, and throwing hay when it's baled and ready.
Basically I've been taking odd jobs on top of everything else.

So Spike, my horse, and the love of my life.
He is no longer limping. But his movement is not the same as before. He has trouble with
backing up, pivoting on the hind end, and doing tight circles. So when the vet comes out
for immunizations, and a coggins test, I'll talk with him about that.

Home life is still rocky. But I'm going to try and make and effort to stay home and work.
Lately things with both my parents have been focused on my weight. And my weight is
a really hard thing for me to discuss and deal with. Randomly my mother has been
making me weigh right in front of her. I don't understand why she's doing this since I
have been weighing myself on my own three times a week (She knew this).
But she took my scale from my bathroom and moved it in to her's.

But my good friend Wixie is helping me out. She's going to workout with me, and show me some stuff she
does for dry land training for swimmers. I wont lie I am very nervous since she wants to go to a gym.
We do have a weight machine at my house which I'm hoping we'll use and a treadmill which I will use for sure.

Again I'll try harder to get things wrapped up and done with on my end.
Tomorrow I help my grandmother out from 8:30am to 2:15pm, and then I work
at the tanner from 3pm-8pm. Then I'll probably end up working out by either horseback riding or
running.

So hopefully I'll be awake enough tomorrow night to get work done, and then once some work is done
stream for a bit. But I make no promises.

Loves hugs and kisses
Radical

My best friend's grandfather passed away recently. I am really close with her family and her younger sister.
Also I am trying very hard to be there for her younger sister. The loss of a family member is the hardest thing on the planet. Sadly I have gone through loss many times, and did not have emotional support from friends.
I will be absent a bit longer while I stay close, and support them through this hard time. I am still slowly working through art and I am sorry for extending this absents.

Losing a loved one is serious, and also extremely difficult to go through. And as a friend I feel that being close is what I need to do. Also another one of my best friends has broken up with her boyfriend, and she is also going through an extremely difficult time.

Yet again I am so sorry. But please understand that I need to be there for the people I love and care about.
Each one of them is precious to me.

Loves hugs and kisses
Rad

I was suppose to see Pitch Perfect 2 tonight but my plans have been canceled. My friend is not doing well and might break up with her boyfriend. I'm not quite sure what to do since she isn't talking to me, and shutting me out. Which kind of hurts a bit I wont lie.

I will not promise anything. But if I'm feeling well enough I'm going to try and stream. My stomach for some reason does not feel good and I cannot figure out why. I'm going to take a nap and hopefully that'll help. Again not making any promises but I will try hard.

Lately it has been really hard for me to stay home due to my mother. I love my mom, and she honestly is a good mom. But over the past two years she has become paranoid, passive aggressive, and has purposefully tried to start fights. She says the fights help her release stress. Which is seriously unhealthy. I've tried to talk her into seeing a therapist but she just wont listen. And whenever we get in a fight I try to keep calm, and she tries to egg me on. I explain to her I'm trying to be rational and an adult. She throws it in my face.

I'm getting worn out, and feel like all she does is list how horrible I am. I'm trying to get a more steady job, and save up to move out by the end of the summer. My grandmother has offered to pay first and last months rent so that I can get out of there. Bless her soul.

So basically I've been avoiding home, and haven't been able to work on commission because of it. Which upsets me. But tonight I'm going to try, and hopefully nothing will be started.

Loves hugs and kisses
Radical

Ugh I hate just making updates. But honestly it's the only thing I can do right now.

-Geeki and I had a super awesome time together! And I plan to go see her soon.
So she can show me the penis building. I'm excited. My heart is all a flutter for it. Totally saving up all
the monies. Honestly my actually birthday day was not a good day. But Geeki coming and hanging out
with me and meeting my crazy family honestly was the best gift ever. Even though it rained the whole time
we had a blast. I'm gonna miss my pokemon nights ;w;

-Spike is not limping anymore yet he does have a hard mass on his inner thigh which has concerned me. So another vet visit is in order. My bae has got to stop hurting himself.

-I'm having a very hard time drawing. Sometimes what happens is if I don't draw for a long time I feel guilty, and then I avoid it because I feel guilty. And lately I just want to cry all the time AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!
well I have a bit of an idea of why.

The plan Stans
This weekend is a bit busy for me. I am helping my grandmother from 8:30am- 4pm. And then I am
suppose to see Pitch Perfect 2 at 7pm. Saturday I will be seeing it again but with my Aunt. But hopefully
I will try to muster up the courage to stream Saturday or Sunday. I've been failing so much though so I'm freaking out. I keep irrationally freaking out about drawing and then it makes me anxious. Bah.

Alright I do love you all, and appreciate everyone whose hanging in there with me.
Bah I miss my bae!

Loves hugs and kisses
Radical

And I
Are
Going
To see
Butterflies.

Alright so damnit today is my birthday and I'm hell bent on streaming today.
But after doing some things for my mom like...

Mopping the kitchen, vacuuming the house, and cleaning bathrooms.
AND THEN!
I need to get my room ready for my special birthday present!!!
The beautiful is coming this weekend and I need to make sure all my shit is together.
So then I need to do my laundry, vacuum my room, dust, and etc.

But I am damn determine to do some freebies today!!! DAMNIT!
(After crossing more coms off my list though)
So sometime today I WILL BE STREAMING DAMNIT ALL!

I'll try to post another journal when I know around what time I'll be doing it.

Now happy damn birthday to this girl. She's going to try and get some sleep in
before starting her busy cleaning birthday day. damnit.

Loves hugs and kisses
Radical

Alright so

I've been working through exams
And getting Spike's attitude under control
I am also getting ready for a friend next week
who is stopping by for my birthday ;) (so excited!)

And finally getting to work longer hours on my commissions
and some extra extra for each commissioner whose been
waiting patiently for me.

Alright time to go kick some exam ass.
Loves hugs and kisses
RadicalRosebud

Trying to get myself back together after a rocky week.
For some reason lately drawing has been really hard. I've been doing a lot
of traditional doodles but I'm having a difficult time drawing digitally.

Someone give me some warm up ideas. Please?

(And I'm doing okay. Exams are coming up and I've house sitting.)

Rad