Chase is a really good friend of mine and was one of the first friends I made in the furry community and had an accident a few days ago that is going to have costly repairs. I'll attach a link to his journal below, but if anyone can help him with the cost of his automotive repairs, he would greatly appreciate it. He's an amazing guy who I'm blessed to have as my best friend, who has had way more money problems than anyone should have to deal with.


https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10049915/



Bellyrubs and Blessings

Jokerwolf

Going in to get my wisdom teeth removed on Friday. Kinda freaked out.


Joker

DPC_WATCHDOG_VIOLATION and all that crap. Now, when I login, all I'm getting is a black screen and flickering start bar.

Thanks to Dragoneer-senpai, I finally have mein account back!

Joker

For the past few months, I've been stayin' with my fiance in Edinburgh, Scotland. This is the first time in a while that I actually felt accepted and have had reprieve from my depression, but soon, it may have to come to an end. But you can help! We set up a GoFundMe page in an attempt to raise $500, so we can reschedule my flight and get a bit of a buffer. This means I would be able to be here for my fiance's birthday and wouldn't have to leave until sometime in June, rather than May 19th. We had a breakdown a few days ago about having to leave each other so soon. So please, f-list, help a couple in love and try to donate a bit, if you can afford it. If not, sharing this and signal boosting is just as effective.
https://www.gofundme.com/u8zcnumk

Thank You so much


Nathan/Jokerwolf

Well, ladies and gentlefurs, by the time ya read this, I'll be 25 years old. I feel like I haven't accomplished shit, but there it is...

Jokerwolf
4/16/1991

I know I'm a bit late jumpin' on this bandwagon, but I've finally seen it.... and am now wonderin' why I waited so long. Nick's cunning personality is great. I'm gonna hafta see it again soon. No spoilers, but I alternated between laughing and crying the whole movie.

Only 6 more hours to go..... *vibrates with energy*

Recently acquired a New Nintendo 3DS XL and am lookin' fer friends. If ya have a 3DS, my friend code is 0319-1012-5821. I got Pokemon X, Monster Hunter 4 Ultimate, Fire Emblem Awakening, Shin Megami Tensei IV, Phoenix Wright Trilogy, Pokemon Yellow, Red, and Blue, and Picross e.

If ya got a 3DS too, post yer friend codes in the comments or note me.

*swoons* I feel so Jack Bauer.

I'm turning 24 :3

A short catalogue of my neuroses
*Monophobia
*Sedatephobia
*Major Depression
*Cotard's Delusion
*Anxiety/ Generalized Anxiety Disorder
*Social Awkwardness
*Self-destructive thoughts
*Nervousness in large crowds
*Fear of Existence
*Fear of Non-Existence
*Phobia toward certain famous serial killers
*Fear of never amounting to anything and ending up broke and alone
Sometimes I wonder if I can ever truly be normal. Then I remember that normality is more grounded in relativity than actuality and decide that not knowing what's real and normal must be a pretty common occurrence. These nights spent alone are starting to affect my mental state. The silence is cold and heavy, almost palpable, taking up residence in the center of my chest. I want to live, but everywhere I turn, my bid for employment is rejected. I want to write, but whenever I start, the words won't come. I want to exist, but feel as though every day is just one day closer to my demise. I try to embrace the small happinesses over the pleasant ironies of life, but everything just feels like a joke. It's like I fell off the great train of life and got stuck between the trestles, forever ignored by it and unable to board it again as it runs me over day after day. A few years back, two of my relatives passed away within a day of each other and I went into a deep depression that was really bad for several months, but has never quite REALLY gone away. During that time, I stopped taking care of myself, which caused pretty severe damage to my teeth, something that I'm still extremely self conscious and worried about, mostly because of the physical pain, but partially because of the mental anguish. How could I let life defeat me to the point where I gave up and was just prepared to roll over and die? I'm a nicotine addict, all attempts to quit being met with the worst panic attacks of my life, to the point of almost needing to be hospitalized. I now basically require cigarettes to not have panic attacks, though they have begun to cause health problems. I don't have much luck with getting and keeping employment due to my sexual orientation and how my teeth look, and because of that, I feel completely fucking hopeless. I try to write because writing is one of my passions, but whenever I start, nothing seems to come, but I don't want to let people down either. I don't want to be defined by my problems and neuroses, but it's gotten to the point where I don't know what my true definition WOULD be. I've tried to integrate into the furry community, a community supposedly well known for it's acceptance and community, but a few months ago when a friend was going to be homeless, it ended up turning into a chorus of not mes and I can't seem to count on many people to be there for me when I'm depressed either. I have a few very close friends who know who they are who have been keeping me alive and with some shreds of sanity, namely Mitch Hyman and Adam Cuerden . Without those guys, I don't know where I would be right now. I thank them for believing in me, and just wish I could find a reason to believe in myself. It's really hard for me to get out there and meet people, since it seems things always go wrong and misunderstandings always seem to occur. Anyway, insecurities aside, I don't hold many hopes for my future. I hope I'm proven wrong.

A friend of mine from St. Pete, FL is homeless right now and needs somewhere to stay. dragonknightsky recently got out of an abusive situation with his grandmother and needs a place to stay. She kicked him out and locked the door, so he's been living on my mate's floor for the past few days. Tonight is the last Sky can really stay here as my mate works all day on weekdays and can't be around 24/7. Call or text me at (574) 952-4330 if you can put him up for a while and help a fellow fur out

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yy86IgcrAWA

Spooky Empire 2014
Oct. 25
9 PM

So, I have one of them asky things now, I guess. If anybody wants ta visit and drop me some questions, don't much reckon I can stop ya. ask.fm/Jokerwuff

I found the leftover ice cream cake. I shall be sneakywuff and eat it while the family sleeps *tailswishes* >:03

Turnin' 23 on Wednesday, not that anyone cares, but meh. Filth had originally planned on doing all kinds of fun and special shit with me ta celebrate, but he's obviously gone and it just feels like shit now. Least it's somethin' ta mildly look forward ta though


-Joker

Yeah.

I got Diablo 3 friday. Wizard, Normal difficulty, PSN: Jokerwuff.
Also have the Borderlands games, Persona 4 Arena, Terraria, Castle Crashers, and countless other games filled with wonderment. Add me.

I'm lost in a world of my own creation
Not yet past its ice age
I'm frozen in the polar caps
Waiting for the warmth of the sun
To boil me? Free me?
I don't know but anything is better than the stagnation
The cold non-being
The waiting place in which I sit, frozen in time
I watch as new beings spring up and immediately forget everything
War seems rational and I watch as the world I created starts to bleed
It's small at first, a slow trickle
Most wouldn't even notice
But as the blood comes, so do the predators
Those that prey on our feeling with their cold, emotionless non-feeling
Suddenly, my trap seems glorious
Burn me, boil me alive, dear sun!
I scream to the heavens
But my words are frozen
They come too late
Paradise lost

If you're not familiar with Indiana laws, gay marriage has not been legalized yet. But tonight, I got down on one knee and popped the domestic partnership question to my mate and love of my life, Filth Hound (Moonlight Abyss) and he said yes! We exchanged vows over the phone and I have an unofficial husband now!


AROOOOOOOOO


Jokerwolf
(Nathan)

Claiming that I can't understand any one of many painful situations would be vanity, because you know I have. And I survived with my heart scarred but fully intact. I believe you have fallen in battle but are not yet defeated. All of us carry battle scars on our chest and they wind and wind and wind around the heart but never destroy it. They can try, but we keep coming back, burning louder and brighter than ever before. Emptiness is merely an invitation to fullness. We are the supernovas, the ones who never stopped, never gave up, but became bright shining stars falling from the sky, breaking the backs of the ones who hurt us during our descent then healing them with our warmth and love. All of us carry battlescars on our hearts, some given to us by ones we trust, but they make our hearts stronger, tougher, and inversely, softer. Our wartorn hearts resonate to each other, calling out to others who have felt the pain we have. And we understand them. Pain is the ultimate gift because with it comes compassion. Alone, we are fighters. Together, WE'RE FUCKING UNBEATABLE!

Got terminated from my job today. I'm living in an apartment that costs over $700 a month and I'm locked into the lease for nine months. I don't know what to do right now. I'm really scared.

Why do friends always end up hurting and leaving me?

Can't really say my life was great, but it was mine. As was my mate. I can't hold on anymore, I'm drowning. Everything just built up until I couldn't handle it anymore. For anyone who is curious, this is my past. Preserve it in your memory:
I grew up in a right wing religious family. Anything I did that went against their religion was punished. My father strongly physically abused me until I was 14. He went after my mother too. I was punished for telling the counselors at school about it. My father often hit me for a half an hour at a time. He used both belt and hands and hit me everywhere including my testicles. I grew to distrust men and stopped believing fathers existed. I was heavily made fun of and hurt in school because I was different. I loved and cared about everyone and people hurt me.
This entire time, I clung to religion. I trusted God was putting me through this for a reason. When I was in sixth grade, my father wanted me to join a sports team, so I chose the basketball team. I wasn't much good, so one day during the practice, the coaches "walked away" and the entire team beat the shit out of me while they watched and laughed. If it wasn't for the one guy on the team with some fucking integrity, I would have probably broken some bones.
With nowhere to turn for people to trust, I slowly began going insane. I would scream out random words, developed odd vocal patterns and began blacking out and waking up to discover I'd done horrible things. Which just pushed me further into the hatred of my fellow students. But yet I still clung to religion. I clung to it all the way up to Sophomore year of high school when somebody wouldn't let up. You see, I particularly love cats. So people went out of their ways to describe cats being brutally killed. One day I couldn't take it anymore and screamed out "You motherfuckers won't leave me alone. I've done nothing to hurt you, but still you see fit to hurt me. I thought you guys would have the Christian love I did, but love's a lie and society is slowly decaying" and slammed my fist repeatedly into his face. That was the first day I ever swore and also the day I lost religion.
Junior year of High School things seemed to be better. People respected and feared me, and I actually had a few friends.
During spring semester two days after my birthday, everything came to a head. I had a local comic shop I loved where I would go after school and hang out. They were the only people who seemed to get me. Well, two days after my birthday, it burned to the ground. I was devastated. Meanwhile, my girlfriend's father verbally abused her, so she started cutting herself. I couldn't do anything about it. And last but not least, my brother found out I was bisexual and told me dad about it, outing me to my family. My dad spent the next few days making fun of me and generally making my life a living hell. All of this stuff came together and I couldn't deal. I tried to off.
They checked me into a mental hospital, where I stayed for a week. I was trapped there, unable to leave. I was scared. They only let me talk to my family for 5 minutes everyday. When I finally got out by lying that the medicine was working I was diagnosed with bipolar. NO FUCKING SHIT I'M MESSED UP, DOCTORS! WOULDN'T YOU BE IF YOU HAD TO DEAL WITH THE SHIT I DID?
I began experimenting around with black magic and ended up being possessed by a demon for several years following. I grew my hair out long because I couldn't look at my eyes in the mirror at night. They stared into the blackness of my soul and I was afraid of myself. A strange man began stalking me and showing up at my window at night with a butcher's knife. I ended up burning the book, but the demon remained inside of me up until a few months ago, at least in pieces. These were my dark years
I then moved 7 hours away from home to attend a college in Evansville. I had no car on campus, no friends, and no way to get home. My family visited me once every 2 months or so. I became addicted to marijuana and cigarettes because they were the only things that helped my bipolar. Then, at the end of October, I tried K3 or Spice and my life was ruined. I started feeling my heart beat really fast and asked to be taken back to my room. There, I climbed into the shower with my clothing on and turned it on cold. I then started throwing up uncontrollably. By then, my heart felt like it was going to explode and as I went out and looked into the mirror, I stared into the face of a corpse. My eyes were sunken and purple around the sockets, and my face was completely white. I fell onto the floor and kept screaming prayers and rocking back and forth as my body began shutting down. My arms stopped working properly and my brain was starting to shut down. I'm still not as artistic as I used to be anymore due to that. I called out to my roommates as I lie writhing and twitching on the floor and you know what they did? Laughed and walked away. I ended up having to crawl on my stomach to the lobby and get somebody to call 911 and then collapsed. I had my first heart attack at 19.
After that, I would have a mini heart attack every few months and have to go back to the hospital. The bills were astronomical, so I was thankful I had a trust fund. After my heart attack, I became a living feeling-less zombie for several months afterward. There were days I thought I was already dead and was in hell. Plus the supernatural past of the college caused my demon to completely take over a few times. I moved to Ft. Wayne the next year and my bipolar progressed to rapidly cycling. I would go through about 15 emotions in a second. I stayed inside of my room for the majority of the semester, gaming, afraid of the outside world. The second semester rolled around and the greatest worst thing happened to me: My laptop completely broke. I ended up going to hang out in the smoke booth and met my friends I have today. I have been socially awkward my entire life because I don't know what a real relationship is like. The only girlfriend I ever had dumped me for her brother because she enjoyed fucking him. She told me she wanted to remain a virgin, the fucking bitch!Thankfully that lead me to discovering I didn't care much for women anyways. Oh, managed to overcome bipolar via transcendental meditation, so no longer need to worry about it.
Last semester, spent around $5000 ta go all the way ta Jersey and visit my mate, only to have him break up with me on Christmas Eve, then my grandmother died January 16th of lung complications and my uncle followed the next day, losing the battle with leukemia. Been through 3 mates just this semester. And now my latest mate seems to be leaving too.
My past has been so unbelievably shitty that the reason I have a humor based character is because happiness has been such a stranger in the past that humor has actually become sexual to me. Humor/happiness is my major sexual fetish.
Because I never seem to experience it.
Stay Gold, Everyone

Nathaniel Gardner
Jokerwolf
Emmett Danteus
Toki The Malamute