That's right it's my birthday!

Will be having a nice day with family first and later watching a movie with friends!

I recently found  lobster's art.
It's really really good, really good hyper art! If you like what I draw than I definitely can recommend him!
He also often draws urethral inserton sex/cock fucking which is a thing I find really hot. I haven't found any other artist that draws it this consistently so I'm super happy to have found his art now.

So go check him out here  lobster and here https://twitter.com/lobster21122

This has been a issue for a long time already and I think I mentioned it before. I have a lot of trouble getting back into it again. I still have a few finished drawings but the whole process of cleaning up smudges and going through the upload process doesn't seem like something worth my time when I don't even enjoy the process of drawing anymore.
Drawing is still part of me and not something I will ever let go!
The problem is more that I've done nothing but chase my goals rather than enjoying the process for what it is. For years now I had this idea that I wanted to draw hyper muscle at the quality level of  Kuroma, while also telling myself I could never truly achieve that quality. I've been working against myself.
Eventually the lack of getting any good end results drained me. The moment I come up with the idea to draw something I'm immediately telling myself that it's not going to work cause why would it? After all I rarely ever succeeded beforehand so why would this time be any different? Why even try when you already know the end result?
The idea of drawing something that I somehow enjoyed before has been replaced by feeling miserable, and I don't like feeling miserable so it's something I avoid. Except there are times where I do enjoy drawing, I love to drawing in what I like to call a social occasions. I draw when I'm surrounded by other people and when they see my drawing they often go 'woah that looks incredible!' Or something along those lines. I feel more fulfillment out of drawing something quick and random and getting such responses, than from drawing some kind of detailed idea I have in mind that I can never seem to correctly visualize even after working on it for many days. I know at the same time that some of you do enjoy my works and I don't want to take that away either.
For now I need my time to figure out how to enjoy doing the thing I love again.

The thing that motivated me to write this among other things is this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yM0tQabjYYg
I suppose I need to use habit-bunching to enjoy drawing again, but what to do next to it I wonder, I enjoy watching youtube vids, but that also means watching. Where my eyes should be on the paper. I definitely do have a habit of drawing in social occasions as well as drawing on the bus for some reason, although I barely ever use public transport. Maybe voice chatting with a friend will work, I still haven't truly tried that yet, does also involve me needing someone else for me to do something I should be able to do myself. It's not all that convenient either.
This is something I need to work on.

I hope you all understand, thank you for reading.

I kinda already knew this, and I'm still giving in. Though not as often lately. Fasting and working out seems to have taken focus.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DclqE-9vFgY

Well that's furry porn after all, getting triggered to look for more when you see a new thing you enjoy.

Last week i had my root canal treatment, however it could not be finished at that time as there was too much bleeding or something so I had a emergency filling for a week. Today just moments ago I had the final root canal treatment. The first time I didn't really feel anything or much at all. this time I did however. They drilled down all the way to the bottom of the root of my molar and despite the anesthetic I could still feel with that nerve, they were like huge painful shocks. it's a very small and slow sounding drill that was the one that hurt the most. After that the treatment took a while they heated up the filling and some smoke came out, lots of pushing and what not, drilling it into shape and now it's over. Now just to hope the pain doesn't come back in huge amounts after the anesthetic runs out. At least I bought some paracetamol, that should help I hope.

After this I only need one more normal cavity filled.

And finally there's my wisdom molars that still need to be pulled some day. I am not looking forward to that.

I think the whole dental thing is keeping me busy.
Otherwise working on my health, doing more workouts, only eating one meal per day, poor on carbs and high on protein, hoping to lose weight but also build muscle. I suppose losing weight in fat mass while gaining it in muscle mass. I fantasize a lot about muscular characters, I figure it's time I stop dreaming and start working on getting myself into shape as well. Not going crazy but I do want to look a bit more fit.

I had my root canal treatment today. I came in fearing for my life but it turned out that the anesthetic worked really well. I felt absolutely nothing. The treatment wasn't fully finished, there was too much bleeding so I got a emergency filling for the time being and will have the root canal finished next Monday. Honestly the worst thing now is the bill.
I want to thank everyone who helped me to get through it! I especially want to thank the people that went through it themselves and explained how it was for them like  Ilotoxy. Thank you so much! It prepared me well!

I'm sorry I still didn't write anything about Eurofurence and everything that has happened so far, I wanted to write a update on that. In short Eurofurence was great and now a lot of other things are ahead of me. One very soon which I'm anxious about since already before Eurofurence is a root canal treatment. I mentally feel like i might die, that's how anxious it makes me. I wish something could make me more comfortable about it. On top of that i have 2 small cavities in my molars that need a normal fill treatment, but also drilling because they're cavities in between my molars. That means I need will lose some healthy part of those molars too. Still the worst is the root canal cause that's going to be my actual nerves, and a huge hole in the top of the molar itself. I question why this is happening to me, I don't want it!

Birthday!
My birthday is on the 11th of august, I'm really busy now making preparations for my birthday and hope to make it a really great day, watching movies on Netflix with my friends and family hopefully. I hope to make some macarons too, those things are super tricky, expensive and time consuming to make, I consider them a very high quality delicacy.
I'll be 29 than... I hate aging, but it's also my special day than so I should make good use of it.

Eurofurence
I'll be visiting Eurofurence on the 13th of august, I'm really looking forward to it!
If you want to meet me you can message me on my twitter: https://twitter.com/Raikuen
I really enjoy meeting new people, but I generally don't know how to introduce myself.
I will be meeting up with a few artists I already know like  Furry and  redsilverartist, also a artist/fursuitmaker/fursuiter I've only seen in fursuit years ago but didn't manage to contact until after that first convention.

Meeting with a friend
Earlier this year I visited my friend  Reilsss during his birthday. I also met  Daygo and  Karasaph who also came and helped me on my long travel from the west of Netherlands to the south of Germany, a day worth of travel by trains and eventually car when I met up with Daygo.
I sadly caught a cold beforehand but that didn't stop me from seeing my friend in person for the first time and it was definitely worth it! We first visited a smaller amusement park, than we watched Avengers:End Game and during the weekend we visited Europa Park where we stayed camping overnight as Europa Park is huge and it's impossible to visit all attractions in one day. Well we did manage to visit all roller-coasters and fast going water attractions. All in all a absolutely amazing time that I won't easily forget.

Furry Meet and Fantasy Meet & Fair
A few weeks ago I was at a furry meet that was going to a fantasy meet & fair in the north of Netherlands, a roughly 3 hour travel for me. I met new people along with ones I knew. During Eurofurence I will see them again. I saw them fursuiting during the fantasy meet & fair where I saw even more fursuiters, there's quite a lot here in Netherlands. I had quite a enjoyable time there!

Bachelor finished
2 months ago I finished my biology bachelor, on July the 17th I finally got the message that I got my bachelor diploma! I can either get it in a few days or wait for the ceremony on October. I figured the ceremony would be fine, a fine moment to express myself over all the pain the study caused me. Tinnitus in my left ear, floaters in my left eye and IBS, the permanent damage it did to my body and mind, I won't let that go.
I suppose finishing my bachelor it's a time to celebrate but I don't really know how to and with who. It feels like a very empty victory. To me it feels like people only look up when you finish something but don't care in the slightest about the entire process behind it, all the work I put into my bachelor only to be celebrated after it's already done, not on what I did to get here? It just feels stupid to me. I know a few of you who do support me but I don't feel the same about my family and other people I see more often. I'm not praised for what I work on, only for finishing it. So people only care about me if I succeed... thanks. I'm still forced to only find happiness by succeeding at things, it really sucks. It makes me feel sad and disappointed.
How I really feel about this in visual form: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/32595118/

Moved out
I finally did it. I moved out from my mother to my temporary own place, Temporary as it's under a organisation that helps students with a form of spectrum autism to live on their own. So i get a bit of help in that regard. sadly enough the first thing i dealt with is that rent came in before I got allowances to cover it and this has gone on for 2 months now and it's been frustrating me there too. The problem here is that I don't get the allowances needed for living on my own because 'officially' I was still taking part of my bachelor study at Universiteit Leiden. They didn't truly sign me out of the study until 1st of august. Meanwhile I missed some letters from the Institute for Employee Insurance that regulates these allowances. Luckily they understood the situation and planned a appointment after Eurofurence but I still don;t know when I get the money I need that cover my costs, all the while rent is eating away at my savings. I feel robbed, exploited, used as a cash cow. Apparently study loan costs weren't enough.
I hoped to be more free in my spending's as I've done nothing but save my money, only spending it on food that's on sale, and this is how I'm treated. No one is going to pay me back for this stupidity, NO ONE!
Why do I always need to worry, why am I forced to worry about my survival? Things only manage to get worse no matter what I do! They expect me to just take it. I hate them!

Root canal
This is a very recent development. I had a check-up dentist appointment recently, all my previous appointments they said my teeth were in good condition and than I slowly worked on improving my gums. However apparently they haven't made any x-ray photos of my molars after 2014 at which time a vague spot was visible on one of my molars but the dentist decided to wait with it. over the last 5 years no photo's were taken and my old dentist got a chronic disease so a new dentist works in his place now. Only now do they make a new photo and realize it's too late to only do a filling. I need a root canal treatment for that molar. When I heard that I was immediately overwhelmed by fear. Just the thought of what's going to happen, the treatment and than not having any sense at all in that molar. After all I did to improve, flossing using tooth picks. Taking good care, but than my dentists overlooks something cause my teeth are so tightly packed. Why is this happening to me? I don't want this but I also know the other option is worse. It's hard for me to keep my mind off of it. I'm scared for how the treatment will go, the full on drilling in there in, as if I wasn't scared enough of the dentist.

Oh and my laptop screen broke just to throw more salt in the wound. I did order a new stupidly pricey one.

I wanted to end this on a more positive note than my previous journal, but life never gives me a break, it always hurts me. It wants me dead. I can't look past the hard truth.
At least a few more nice things happened. I hope my Master won't be yet another hell like my Bachelor.

Right now I'm running into a lot of issues when it comes to drawing. Part of it is because I severely lack the skill to visualize my ideas. I've tried to draw detailed scenes surrounding the characters but each time I tried to do that it failed. I now have several unfinished drawings, most of them as birthday gift pictures, that are a few months to over a year old now that I don't know what to do with anymore. They were all amazing ideas turned into never ending nightmares for me.
Another issue are lineless drawings. I don;t feel like lines have any place in finished drawings for me, but the issue with lineless drawings is that details that lines make easy to see completely vanish as can be seen here: (lined) http://d.facdn.net/art/raikuen/1547409656/1547409656.raikuen_damon_christmas_2018_sketch.jpg, (lineless) http://d.facdn.net/art/raikuen/1547.....damon_butt.jpg
I'm trying this lineless style again right now with the same issue and it's driving me mad. I guess it would be easily possible in digital art, but tablets are far too expensive. So do commissions to earn enough for a tablet? But I can't draw the right way! I have nothing to offer and even if I did it would take me a life time to earn enough, not worth it, waste of my time!
I don't know what to do anymore!

Whenever I draw now I just get more and more frustrated, than I avoid drawing to avoid those feelings. But I never lose the will to draw so this just keeps on repeating and it's making me feel absolutely miserable!

I've been having a lot of issues staying motivated with drawing over the last few years. The main issue being that I don't find much of any improvement in my drawing skills for a very long time now. The reason for this is that study constantly eats away at the time that I would much rather invest in practicing art.

I've often tried to build up a practice routine to practice the fundamentals of drawing. However every time I do that a few weeks later or even less study takes over and I have to drop everything I worked so hard on. To me it than also feels like all that time that I invested was for nothing, that I made no progress at all. This has been happening over and over again. Every time I start up again I have to go back to the beginning of the exercises. It made me lose hope on ever moving on from those beginner exercises, and thus on ever becoming better at drawing.
It also keeps wondering if I'm even doing these exercises the right way, that I'm doing them incorrectly which is why I'm not improving at all.

Since study kept stopping me I also constantly worry about the next time that it will stop me from drawing again. It feels to me like there's no point in even trying because soon again I'll be stopped again and whatever progress I made would be lost again.

That is the true reason why my art productivity has been constantly declining.
I want to get out of it but my worries keep me back.
I tend to get overly emotional when I get back into drawing as a result, which makes me hate myself even more.

I just went to the head lecturer of the statistics class to go over what I still had to do to finish this class. This has been the most frustrating class I ever had to deal with. This is because there's only a statistics class in the first year of my Biology study and one at the very end. Nothing in between, and this last class expected a way too high level of education on statistics. I was getting nowhere with this class and it was done in only 3 weeks with the retake exam being 2 weeks later. I've done my very best, even asked a student that was already doing his Master for advice so I could have a chance, but still I only got a 5.5/10 for the retake (I thought it was a 5 at first). That would not be enough to finish the class.
Besides the exam there's also a few things of this class that have to be done during the internship. Of coarse you're expected to solve a problem with statistics. Thing is though that the internship I'm doing now is entirely based on visual observation skills. I determine what the organs are of a zebrafish and througha program I make a 3D model out of that. So back to me visiting the statistics class head lecturer, considering I keep a good lab journal and did my best on the paper I had to show him despite there not being anything statistics related to what I do, he considers it ok enough for me to gie me a score so I can pass the statistics class.
It's finally over! I'm really happy with this!
Now only my internship, but this is actually quite fun work that I do!

The entirety of this month whatever time I used on drawing I used up, no I wasted on 2 pieces that are just taking far too long for me. I actually felt like practicing again but since these aren't done I never give myself the time to do so.
I notice this is actually a bat habit of mine. It's like I point a gun at my own head when I fail to finish something in time. I just keep forcing myself to work on something I don't like anymore.
One of these pieces was meant as a birthday gift for someone that has their birthday on Halloween. It was meant to be simple but I ended up drawing a complicated background that is clearly too difficult for me. I keep telling myself I need to finish it already but that just makes me dislike it more and more.
This is also a frustration of mine. I often have what I feel are best ideas yet for a piece only to realize I don't have the skill to execute it halfway through the drawing. I end up trying to fix it, or try to figure out how to do it for just that piece which end up making me spend more and more time on it. Soon enough this wonderful idea of mine turns into just another frustration. A thing I can't finish no matter how long I work on it, it becomes a problem that I don't know what to do with.

I think it's important that I figure out how to give up quicker, working on these lost causes is wasting my time and is making me hate drawing. For me it's important that I can finish something in a reasonable time, like a day for one piece, sometimes I can do that, usually more simple pieces. However most often I end up with these dreadful piece I can't seem to finish and knowing that even if I do I won't like it. You might but I don't.

I'm sorry if this means even less art from me, less detailed pieces. I just can't keep doing this anymore.
It's hard for me to keep drawing when I know that everything ends up in frustration.
I hope I can get better at this some day. I really want to become a good artist. I really need to focus more on practice.
Practice means actual practice, nothing worth posting unless you want to see rough gestures and boxes in perspective...

As of last week I started my internship of my Bachelor Biology Study. This combined with something from the awful statistics class is the last thing I need to do to finish my Bachelor. I'm still not 100% sure if it's the best one but it most certainly feels way easier than any of the classes I've followed, I'm more free on what I do. It's mainly me manually lining out parts of Zebrafish on some giant Wacom Cintiq tablet. The program is able to make 3D models based on my work and in turn that also teaches a neural network how to do what I do to automate the process. They actually asked me to go with this one based on that I draw for a hobby. It's nice.
It's nice that I can relax in the evening.

Now something different. About me actually drawing and posting art here. I'm once again frustrated about my own art again, Besides my lack of skill I also feel really bad about how I sometimes have said I would draw for someone and than didn't manage to deliver.'It's been eating away at me, every time I attempt to draw I feel terrible thinking about everything I wasn't able to do, everyone I disappointed. Friends I wanted to draw for but also that I haven't done much or any muscle art for a long time now. I'm sorry that I can't deliver what everyone wants, or at least what I think everyone wants. I'm sorry.
I actually want to know if it's ok that I can't be super productive.
I want to know if it's ok that I'm bad at what I do.
I often think that when I 'm unable to draw that people expect that I've been working on something big in all that time, only to eventually be disappointed with a crappy sketch.

I feel like I need to deliver for a certain expectation but that I can't.
I'm not sure what would bring me back anymore, I simply can't let go of everything that went wrong. I don't know how to move on.

Gonna fly to Berlin tommorrow cause 22th Eurofurence starts! Gonna be fun!, I'll be meeting up with  Redsilver,  Furry again Plus  GeltyDrake for the first time!
Actually now that I think I have not planned in more yet. Well if anyone else is going, I'll be often in the Artist Lounge, either with Red and Furry or alone. Message me on Twitter https://twitter.com/Raikuen, I'll probably be lonely quite often, who knows.
Haven't drawn in a while so that's probably gonna be a issue.
Oh well, it's the one bright point in my life, been looking forward to it!

Having a great time with my friends and younger brother. Just back from watching the Incredibles 2 togheter! It was good! Gonna go to a all you can eat sushi place now!

Also practically done with my paper now.

Gonna be my birthday soon, 11th of august, and as per usual I am not prepared! AH!

Still working on my Literature Review although it should be just the finishing touches now. Round it out, make clear take home messages.
Can only submit it on the 13th when the lecturer is home from summer vacation, only than can my summer vacation finally start off.

I haven't finished and uploaded art for a while so here's why:

I've been working on a Literature Review assignment for a couple of months now which is one of the last few things I need to do to finish my bachelor study. I still need to find and do a internship over a period of 4 months after I'm done with the Literature Review.
I'm luckily finally getting to the end of the paper I'm writing but I still need to fix a lot of things once I write down the last section.
The main reason why I haven't put much time in art is because I'm trying to put all my focus on this assignment.
I'm also trying to get my day schedule to work, trying to sleep and wake up earlier, working out more often through the week, having a set time for studying at the University's library, be a functional person...
Let's just say I'm trying to be less of a mess.
Once my day goes smoothly art shouldn't be a issue.

My planning over the coming months/years will be as followed:
- Me finally finishing this Literature Review, hopefully soon
- finally actual summer vacation
- My birthday on 11th August!!!
- Eurofurence 22th-26th August
- 4 months of Internship
- completing my bachelor (hopefully!)
- dunno, practice art I guess
- finding a Master study

I am drawing something now actually, not the usual though. Not sure when I'll finish it.

Oh yea and family bothering me again all the sudden today, threatening me again, getting tired of being treated this way.

I feel rather overwhelmed with how often I failed to do art for people's birthdays while also having trouble with study work lately. I come up with ideas for birthday gift art that I think are absolutely amazing, but once I start to work on it I realize how slow I am and that what I have in mind is far past my ability to draw.
I find that study is doing nothing for me but fill me with more and more anxiety. The amount of times I failed things weights more on me than any successes I make ever will. As if I failed long ago and I'm just continuing on because there's no turning back. Students I sat next to long done with their bachelor and I only remain. The loser, worthless. What would a bachelor degree even mean considering how long I took to get it?
I noticed I take longer and longer pauses before getting back to work, doing nothing productive most of the day. Probably since putting effort into it is guaranteed to not make others think any better of me or value me more. Art on the other hand, people are always nice to me when it comes to art. I'm not sure but it feels like study is meant to make me hate everything I ever liked. As a child I loved the idea of working in a laboratory, now thanks to my study with it's impossible deadlines I absolutely hate lab work, nothing I do is ever good enough, so why put effort into it when people treat you like shit? Only for some numbers to roll out that say if you finished a class with a high enough grade or not?'
I keep on working because I have to, not because I like to, never because I like to and I feel like that's fundamentally flawed.

In the end however there's a demand of micro-biologists and absolutely none for artist.
I hope to become a amazing artists myself, but it wouldn't have any value whatsoever, economically you're just considered trash.
The world is just shit like that, I hate it.

Nedoiko is a amazing artist I follow for a long time. He does very good femboy art as well as cute girls, comics as well. I figure some might already follow him.
Nedoiko and Chatai love each other for several years and Nedoiko wants to move in with his boyfriend. Something they want to do for a very long time now. However Nedoiko lives in a very bad place and it's only getting worse. Horrible conditions I wish for no one, especially not another artist, another creative sensitive mind.
To do so they're want to get married. Before getting married however Nedoiko needs a marriage visa and before that can happen they need to have met each other in person. This is however impossible for them both without any help. That's where you can help them, check here for more on how info:http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8677326/

And hey if we do manage to help them out, they will be able to do what they like without worries, draw more cute femboy porn, a win win situation.



...

I hope me trying to signal boost to help another artist isn't too bothersome.

Study
Ko-fi and Patreon
Commission pricing issue

Study
I finally got results in from a exam I did on the 4th of Januari. I didn't get to see the exam score but I did get a automated message showing my final result for the class I did the retake exam for. It's a 7.0/10 which means a good score and I'm super happy that I made it. I had put so much time into this class, redo so much of it that it became nothing but torture to me, I'm happy that's finally behind me.

Now I have a Literature Review I still need to finish, I finally started on writing it now though it's going slow cause it's still making me anxious.
Next week I will follow a 3 week class which seems to be a very intensive class. I won't be able to work on the Literature Review than which is why I want to get at least something of the Literature Review done now. I most definitely won't be able to draw those 3 weeks which is frustrating to say the least. I wish I could do my study and hobby at the same time like any person can do. At least that's what I expect to be normal. But to this day I'm still incapable which angers me.


Ko-fi and Patreon
I've been thinking about using Ko-fi and/or Patreon from time to time but I worry that it won't work out. I would like some advice on that.
It would likely just be a tip jar when used. Not sure what I can offer however. Whether my art is good enough or not I do run into a more practical issue which is that I tend to have long periods in which I'm unable to draw as result of me having to fully focus on study. On top of that the theme of art that I draw can vary a lot, I assume muscle art is the thing most people enjoy but I can't always deliver that.
As I understand Patreon works with either timed pledges (once per week or month), or pledges per piece. Timed pledges on Patreon wouldn't work because of me not being consistent with how much I draw. Meanwhile pledges per piece wouldn't work because I wouldn't be able to satisfy everyone, I would end up drawing a piece in a theme that some might not like.
Ko-fi might be the most doable than because it's literally a tip-jar, but I would still like to hear from others.
It would help me being able to afford a tablet eventually this way.


Commission pricing issue
Since I've been drawing lately I noticed some consistency with my art. I found a way where I can get a drawing done within 2-3 hours sometimes slightly over 3 hours. This way I can get a drawing done within a single sessions which works really well for me. I have a lot of trouble in getting back into a drawing I only partly finished. It makes me insecure as I get more distracted by the errors I made in the previous drawing session.
Some works I spend 15+ hours on, generally taking me at least 1 week to finish as was the result with the Breaker Pangolin piece. This is something I still have to improve on.
Looking back at my old prices a 15-20 hours and up piece was priced at €40,- which doesn't seem right with how much time I spend on them. Most artists ask that for pieces they only work 1-2 hours on. So I don't see the point in doing works like that again. With my previous commissions I also had issues with finding a lot of errors while working on them and never feeling fully satisfied with them. I also tend to get very anxious when actually getting paid to work on something because than I feel forced to deliver something better than my best in a limited amount of time. I never had issues with commissioners, it's self doubt issues, fearing to disappoint someone that paid me. In that case it would be more than a personal issue, it would be a crime. Fraud perhaps?

I did think of making the 2-3 hour rough drawings possible for commissions, I was thinking of something between €20,- and €35,- depending on how much time I would need for a piece. I might seem odd after explaining my fear, but being able to finish something within one drawing sessions makes me feel more confident about the final result. My personal value for a piece always goes down when I spend too much time on it. I spend less time on these rougher drawings so I value them more as a result. Perhaps it's also because I do these for some of my favorite artists.
I still need to draw a muscular character in this style as practice, I assume that's the most likely thing someone would want from me.


Any input on these things would be appreciated.

(Now let's hope I don't regret writing this the next morning)

Swarthylacine, a fursuit maker is currently studying to start her own company for making fursuits. You can find her information here https://twitter.com/swarthylacine/s.....68619737653249
She made a survey that you can answer anonymously. This data is important for her study.
The survey and the info about it can be found here https://twitter.com/swarthylacine/s.....86809301209089
Same one I drew the fursuit character of several times. Her fursuits are very expressive, detailed heads which have a happy look and vibe to them as well as the suits themselves that can have a unique shape such as her own white sushi dog suit.
If you're interested in fursuits please fill out her survey, it will help her out a lot!



Writing this one to help a friend, I hope that's ok with everyone?

Journal parts:

- Exam
- Good hyper artist I found
- Looking for chubby dragons

Exam
The first exam of this year went horrible. I gave up on drawing as I needed to invest all my time into study work. I put everything I had into it and they only gave me 2 hours to get through 22 open questions which were separated into multiple parts. It was completely impossible, Only really handy students got through and even they needed the full 2 hours.
I felt defeated. No matter how much work I put into it it didn't matter at all. I put all my energy into it and got nothing back from it. I felt cheated, robbed of my hard work, someone had to pay for it. But the main teacher just said it was my own fault. I still have to do a retake of that exam on 4th of Januari. The time is increased to 3 hours but that's far too late for a change like that, why wasn't it like so before?
The anxiety issues that it increased were horrible, I felt like my hard wouldn't matter anymore if they could continue making such horrible exams The anxiety gave me issues with the class after that one. I kept looking for distractions because I didn't feel like my hard work would be worth it.
Finally this 3rd class. I still felt the same but yesterday I did the exam and it felt like I succeeded. I needed that. I needed that very much after the horrors of that first class.
The results of the 2nd class were in a few days ago but I didn't want a bad result to influence me negatively for the 3rd class's exam. I'm still scared that I might've failed the 2nd class too. I'm checking the results as I'm writing this... I, I made it. A 6,27/10 for the exam and 6,5 total score. This is a relief for me to see. It's not a very high score but at least I made it despite all my anxiety issues. I wish I could show that I'm better but I'll have to take what I get and at least it means I got through.
I still do compare myself with other students. I'm still frustrated with how other students are clearly better than me. However what I did get from the student I worked with is that she usually doesn't remember much of the material after the class is over. Mainly memorizing things for the exam and than losing it all afterwards. In short terms my memory isn't the best but I do memorize the material I study for a long time.
To study I write my own summaries of the lecture material, cut out all distracting junk from a lecture so I can better understand the core. But I have difficulty with separating main from side issue so I usually do end up studying everything, not knowing what they might ask, I'm never certain. I'm not sure how other students do it.
It's frustrating seeing everyone else getting through with such ease where everything has to be a fight for life or death for me. I want to be free from that and be like them, but something keeps me from it, it never lets me go. Forever to struggle where others walk over it with ease. I still haven't achieved the ability to be this perfect student that everyone seems to be, it frustrates me. I'm still my crappy self and nothing I do is ever enough, everything is still out of my reach as it has been from day 1.
At least I might be able to finish my bachelor this study year, but I'm still not a real student. When will I finally be, I can't see it anymore. When will the struggle and pain end? When can I feel good about myself?
To this day I still have achieved nothing. Nothing that confirms my existence on this world.

These frustrations and everything around it made me unable to see what's ahead, which is where I truly want to go after my study. Where do I want to work? What do I want as a job? The struggle with exams and with every shitty student being better than me. Even the one that made us both fail a class because he was a horrible project partner is already following a internship. I run into him every now and than which is how I know that. To me he is nothing but a symbol that shows how unfair things are in this crappy world. I hate him.

I'm planning on taking a year for myself before starting my master if I even manage to get through the bachelor. I can't endure this psychological torture device called a study anymore. It's too much, I need to escape from it.
Multiple weeks of work tested withing a short few hours time limit, which absolute moron though that that was a good idea. I would go back in time to end them earlier.

I'm sorry, I had to let that out.

Good hyper artist I found
Now that I finally have the time, I found this Japanese traditional hyper artist a few weeks ago. I'm surprised to still finding a new hyper artist to be truly amazed by today: https://twitter.com/syuro_syuro_ and https://syuro.tumblr.com/
Go and check them out! They're really good!
Also a artist that's still busy with his study like me. So it may take some time before you'll see a new piece.

Looking for chubby dragons
There's some drawing event on Pixiv. I'm not sure if I'll make it but I was thinking of drawing chubby dragons like Keltz, generally the ones that look a bit like  Kitora's style. I know  brokenwing and a character from  Gillpanda would fit that style, maybe  kukukaku too. If you know any other cute chubby dragons like that, please let me know.



Also sorry for the lack of art again, it's been harsh with my study. I should be getting more time for myself now.
I will however be following a scientific literature study (class) starting next week. That means no strict study hours but I still need to put some work in reading many, many scientific papers and writing something based on all those papers. Something i will need to focus on than.

There's a few things I've drawn but it's mostly vent art and a unfinished piece.

A really harsh exam is on Monday, one that I failed last year and caused me to fail 2 classes after it because of the retarded way retakes are planned in for this minor. The retakes are 3 weeks after the original exam which is right before the exam of the class I'm following at that time. So right now it's either I make it or I have no chance at succeeding later.
I've already been through it once and it's making me go mad now having to do it again knowing all bad things that will happen if I fail.
This exam, it's making my blood boil. it's making my body shake apart. I want it to die. It makes me hate everyone I see, seeming like they are doing way better than me. Why can they be happy and must I suffer? I hate this inequality!
Apparently not being able to turn your fight or flight syndrome off makes you age faster, something I really don't need. I wish I could stop it, but it will only stop when the exam is dead over.

Something I wrote yesterday as result of the exam stress and anxiety, I need this out somewhere:

People always expect more than I'm capable of. This is why I give up.
Whenever someone tells me I should look at even more, do even more than I realize that no matter what I do people will continue to expect more of me. What's even the point of trying when no one is ever satisfied. It only drains me until it starts to damage me physically and mentally.

This is how I've been treated as a child as my parents never seemed happy with me, I felt more punishment than confirmation of successes. Punishment for failure became more of the norm, while being noticed for things that went well became rare and eventually started feeling more like a lie when it did happen. No matter what I did succeed at it was never enough. So by time I myself became more aware of things I failed at where succeeding at something had become more of a neutral thing, something that's expected from the start and nothing to be praised for. I can't even praise myself for it.
Now when someone in some way expresses that they are happy with what I did I just don't know how to react to it. First of I think of it as a lie, because sarcasm is a thing and it's something I find hard to notice. Everything is expected from me from the start so it also feels like a way that someone tries to deceive me. That they again expect more from me.
I tend to thank people for when they say they are happy with whatever thing I did but merely to be polite.
I just don't want to build a negative relationship with someone I stand neutral with from the start. Better neutral or unknown than negative.
It's still hard for me to consider succeses as part of my life where the things that go wrong are more noticable.
A fear builds up for whatever could go wrong for whatever way people might find to punish me again and again.
I try to play it nice but I don't know if I can remember when I was ever truly happy.
I just try to work harder and harder until hopefully I get at this ideal point where maybe I might become happy with my life. But I wonder if that time will ever come at all.
Maybe I'm just grinding myself into the ground and everything I do is for nothing.

Eurofurence 23

Sorry for taking so long!

Just before going to the convention I bought myself a new smartphone through a 2 year subscription to pay off the phone. A Galaxy J5 (2017 edition) as it has a very long battery life which was something I had issues with last convention with my old Galaxy S plus.

First off this was the first time I traveled to Berlin by airplane. I wanted to tackle my phobia for flying that build up through my life from following all the horrible airplane crash reports. That and the train ride I took the last 2 years is really long and uncomfortably hot because the international train for some reason lacks proper air conditioning. The flight takes slightly less than a hour so I felt a bit safer because of that. It will hopefully prepare me for longer flights like a flying to Japan that I want to do some day.

This year I went to the same hotel like last year a short trip with public transport away from the convention. Once I finally got there I was apparently to early at 11:00 because the boot with all the convention badges was only going to open at 12:00. That did mean that I didn't have to wait very long to get my convention badge.
This year I wasn't very blown away like I was the first time but I was still happy I could meet a couple of friends in person again. I went to the artist lounge and later met up with and , went to the opening ceremony and went to a panel named Fast Furry Friends (which I went to last year as well). Did manage to find some ppl that seemed a bit more fun to chat with, shared contact but I kinda have trouble staying in contact because I have a lot of things on mind.

I mostly stayed at the artist lounge when I could but the first 3 days I did follow a couple of panels so I ended up running back and forth a lot and not getting much drawing done at all. In between I was lucky to meet along with and . I follow Vader-san's streams a lot though less lately partly because he streams less often too now. In previous years I did meet up with him but that was at the Dealers Den (place where artists can sell prints and other merch + doing any types of commissions) where it's a bit busy and I don't feel to comfortable taking up too much time. First time I heard him talk about his first time when he just went as attendee like I go every year. About how it's normal that you end up alone a lot of the time as people tend to move on to meet other friends. It's something that happens a lot to me where I hope to be with someone but end up alone most of the time which is pretty frustrating but I guess I'm not supposed to expect otherwise.
I luckily did see RedSilver and Furry pretty often, did meet up with a friend I made last year and ended up chatting with other convention goers at the artist lounge (big room where you can draw at tables) and at the McDonald's nearby.
Apparently the McDonald's managed to sell out twice during the convention. I guess that's not odd if you consider there's over 2800 convention goers and the McDonalds being the closest cheap option for a evening meal (restaurants in the hotel are super pricey).
I did do a trade (I think, I guess it's a gift now?) with which took me the entire convention time to draw which shows me that I'm not ready yet for drawing hyper muscle art. I also did a trade with the multi-talented and very kind Japanese artist who I follow on Twitter for a while now. Besides art he's also in a fursuiting band that plays after anime songs. I mostly saw his friend fursuiting at the dance floor at the evening to night dance parties that are around every day.

I also went to 's panels who had the best panels I've ever followed at the convention. There was a lot he talked about and it mostly went about the psychology behind furry art, why we draw it but also what frustrations might come. He's the most open person I know as he mentioned that he is happy that he has no dark secrets that he hasn't talked about with someone. As result it was easy for me to also open up to him which made me really happy. He did say that he is really busy outside of the convention so unless I have something big about I want to tackle about my life I won;t bother him. Still during the convention he actually recognized and greeted me outside of his panels where I talked a bit more about my troubled past and a bit about difference in culture like how slightly more than half of Netherlands is atheist and how that's not been that way until 30-40 years ago.

I also met Fishcrow https://fishcrow.tumblr.com/ who only showed up on the 3rd day after most panels were over but they were too afraid to get to the convention first, they panicked, I panicked, it wasn't nice. The 4th day we finally met and uh, apparently I'm not the only one that thought that Fishcrow was a guy because I had absolutely no idea what she looked like. So beyond the awkwardness we went to some panel about sculpting, she went to get a cheeseburger for lunch, I drew a Fishcrow with a cheeseburger for her and we ended up at a table at the artist lounge where everyone ordered food together that one person organized. It's also where I met .

For the rest of it, I wasn't too interested in the art show (art auction) and the Dealers Den as I already kept my spending money to a minimum as I rather buy more functional things like a new PC... hopefully.
Oh ye besides me, , Furryicon: there was Gideon at the Dealers Den and I also met at the artist lounge but not any other hyper furry artists that I know of. I hope I can meet more hyper artists some day or just hyper furs in general, need more at Eurofurence. Let's show that hyper art is actually a thing and not the same thing as macro as most ppl there thought when I said hyper. Sure macro goes well with hyper but hyper can also stand on it's own I say!


Back home I've been lazying off for a while now, didn;t catch much sleep during the convention and I haven't planned what to do through the remainder of my vacation. The best thing I can do now is get back to the library and practice drawing as well as preparing for my study as the first class of the minor I didn't manage to finish is also the most difficult one. It's classes I followed in full but failed anyway which is frustrating to say the least

Kuroma went on a hiatus
I'm not sure how many know but is one of my top favorite artists and top inspirational artist. He and are the biggest reason why I draw hyper muscle furry art in the first place. Their doujinshi filled me with ideas and the desire to work my towards a skill level like theirs. Something that sadly is still far out of reach for me. Still even new separate pieces done by Kuroma made me really happy. I sort of saw him as a art god, though that's a bit silly I guess.
Lately I noticed Kuroma was getting upset over his own style and also about the lack of Japanese followers. He did know that he has a lot of English followers, but the language barrier is a bit troublesome for him. My guess is that he was hoping for more Japanese followers but apparently hyper muscle kemono art isn't too popular in Japan, or so he says.
So yesterday he tweeted that it was time to retire from kemono/furry art.
I myself am still in denial about this as I can't imagine not seeing Kuroma come up with new pieces. Maybe it's just a hiatus, maybe he'll be back in a couple of months. Roughly the time it takes for me to draw something I guess.
I've already seen a couple of hyper artist leave, one really good Japanese hyper artist . I don't want Kuroma to go too. I can understand that he wants to take a break, maybe he has the same issues like me, lacking a good social life, maybe it's a good time to work on that.
I just can't understand that a artist at his level would want to stop. I just don't.
Who am I supposed to look up to than? Kitora doesn't draw all that often so less motivation from there.
Kuroma was even going to do his Kemobuilder event again which is what motivated me to draw that big buff Lucario. I was looking forward to that

I already have so many things I failed at in life, I'm 27 and I still can't draw anatomically correct figures. Already lost both my grandfathers before I could succeed at that and now my biggest inspiration decides to stop drawing completely. I wanted to do work on a comic for one of his doujinshi but will that even be possible now? Feels like I failed my favorite artist too now.

On the other hand I didn't want to be reliant on referencing from his style and instead learn how to properly practice figure drawing myself. If he does end up returning in idk, 2 years maybe? Than I better be actually good at drawing than, not like my non-existent skills now.
Still he is my greatest inspiration and I still don't feel like he could've actually stopped.

Just came back home after my travel back home from Eurofurence.
I did not get a lot of sleep so not going over it yet.
What I can say is that I had a good time and that I'm not really that scared anymore of flying.