Leaving to Eurofurence right about now!
Still anxious about going flying again. I didn't feel safe the first time.
Still having some horror scenarios in my head.

Once I get there though it'll be nice!

But than I have to go flying back again...

It's my birthday.
2 Friends, cousin, youngest niece and my younger brother coming over. Going to watch the movie Valerian and the city of a thousand planets together. A sci-fi movie, my favorite genre. It's generally how I celebrate my birthdays, going to watch a movie at the Cinema together with friends and family.

I feel like I made more progress this year than I've done before. I do regret that it is this late in my life however, feels like I'm getting old.

A few days from now I'll be on my flight to Eurofurence, 2nd time in my life that I go flying. I hope to win over my fear for that cause it didn't happen the first time.

My birthday is soon, 11th of august.
Working on inviting friends and family. Going to do what I do every year, go watch a movie at the Cinema and possibly eat somewhere after. I thought of going to 'Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets' Seems like some sci-fi movie, sci-fi is my favorite genre so it might be fun if the story and everything is good enough.

Just came back from the dentist for a cavity. A cavity in a molar that's standing against another in sort of a arch arch which causes a lot of difficulties. Went trough it without anesthetics. So that's one thing behind me again.

Getting myself a new smartphone. Went to a phone shop to find one that has long battery life and isn't too pricey of course. Doing this mostly so I can have something better to work with during Eurofurence. My old one runs out of power in a matter of moments with wi-fi on causing me to be glued to the power outlets.

Doing more figure drawing practice again. I'd like to spend whatever there is left of the summer vacation to improve on that. Hoping to open for commissions during the Christmas vacation again, possibly earlier but I'm not sure if I'll be able to before the end of my vacation. I was working on something for shark week but that event is over already over. Going to continue working on it anyway because I do that next to the figure drawing practice, to see if I can use the practice for something.

I'm back from the dentist. He said that my gum was indeed sensitive before but thanks to me flossing so often it has mostly recovered. only missed one spot in the back. The roots of of 2 of my molars are indeed visible but he didn't found that to be problematic and also not something he can do much about. If I keep up with the flossing and using a soft toothbrush I should be fine apparently. Only have to come back for a tiny cavity for the molars that grew skewed against each other. Again something he doesn't find to be too big of a deal either but it will be treated 3 weeks later.
So I'm doing good there apparently, just have to keep with what I did before.



I also wanted to say that I'm super happy with the last picture I did. That and a couple of other things going better in my life slowly makes me feel more confident about myself. I noticed even really good artists do need some time to get larger pieces done, so I'm not really alone there. I might still be on the slow side but I do eventually get these things done. I definitely have a lot of room to improve but that shouldn't subtract from the qualities that I do have.
I feel like I'm finally moving forward in live, it's a bit late but there's no point in worrying about the things I didn't succeed at in the past.

Something bad with the gum of my teeth. Already made a appointment with the dentist but it's still making me tremble in fear. I thought I did well but I guess I still don't floss enough. It's regression of the gum, I read that the gum will likely not recover after some scary looking intervention. Only further damage will be stopped. I should've called the dentist long ago but I was too ashamed.
Just when I did well with study I have to be hit in another way by life. It never ends.

Sorry to bother you with this but it's my own health so it's making me very scared.

Exam of my last class was yesterday. I was still insecure if I managed to get through because I didn't have enough time to do all the questions. The retake would've been next week so that's what I was anxious about. but today the results came in.
It's not a nice result, 5,8/10 for the exam but that's enough to get through as a minimum of a 5 was needed and the remaining scores (one which was a 10 for a test in the middle of the class) were high enough to get me a total score of 6,5. So I don't have to do the retake and well that means: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RlMCe6mHP0&feature=youtu.be&t=147 Summer vacation at last! More time to draw and Eurofurence at the end!

There were a few other things also happened before this class that I wanted to get to.
My Polish grandmother had a tumor so we were afraid she had cancer but I was very happy to know a few weeks later that it didn't spread and was safely removed. My mother brought her over here for where she stayed for a while, it was really nice having her around here. She's back in Poland now. We might bring her back over during the winter again.

Another thing is that I met up and stayed over at another furry in Netherlands a couple of weeks ago. I haven't done that for a long time with all my insecurities. It was nice to go out for once. Watched the Dead Pool movie with him, it was nice.

Oh I'm also using the University's library as work place for drawing now, too much distractions at home. Hope it stays open during the summer.

Got flu, feverish and all but went to to take the exam just now anyway and I do think that I made it this time.
The study I follow (biology at the University) is really important to me so feeling good about that will likely make feel better overall.
This was a 4 week class which was really chaotic with lectures, lab work, preparations for both and presentations all at the same time. I don't deal well with that as I feel like I have to finish everything at the same time as well. Luckily I'm through that all now. Gonna recover from this flu and probably draw a bit the next 4 weeks. Next 4 weeks I have no class going on, after that a 5 week class which I'm hoping to prepare for in the course of these 4 weeks. Once I finish that last class I only have to find a way to get 6EC (study points) for a class I missed from this year as well as finish the next year which is the last year Bachelor.

As continuation to last journal. It's going a little bit better. I'm mainly just tired right now because lack of sleep.
The biggest issue not having the study book that I needed has been resolved. The head lecturer lend one out to me. Apparently they do want to help me, I didn't expect that. With the book now that's one huge thing I don't have to worry about. I can make progress now, not waste time in trying to resolve a impossible problem.
As for the labwork I realize I do work with others on it and not everyone individually only sharing materials. The materials are made for the entire lab table of 8 students rather than per pair. The thing was that there's no communication so I don't know who does what so I still worry about what has to be done. In the end I only do a few things because the lab work is spread out over the rest of the table and most of the time there's just not enough space to help others. Everything gets done and I just end up writing down the results and quickly figuring out what they all mean. I do still worry about whether I do enough on the day as I fear that my grades could drop because of that. Maybe not since the lecturer said it was ok the other day. I'm slowly more comfortable about doing the labwork correctly.
I did plan out how I would go about lecture material for a bit but another assignment is coming up soon, again though it's a group thing so I don't have to do it alone.


So in short, not overly anxious anymore, slowly getting more done now.
If I manage to finish this class I will have 4-5 weeks without a class where I can rest a bit again and prepare for the last big class at the end of the study year.

First I want to apologize for the lack of art, especially the detailed works which I haven´t been able to work on for months now. There´s likely a few pieces that some of you might have enjoyed but I haven´t been able to do more of for a very long time. As for now I´m doing my best to do good with my study which takes up most of my time. I would like to succeed at finishing all the classes that I have to redo now.

Now for the main point. I´m having extreme trouble in not doubting everything that I do. The last class went well for the most part. I finished summarizing all study material in the time that I had planned for it but than at the end I had to make some statistics graph in the same week as the exam. I didn't know how to do it and with the exam close I realized I would fail despite all preparations. Eventually I did finish the graph assignment with help from the lecturer but than I was too anxious to properly prepare for the exam. Exam didn't go as I hoped for as result.
I feel like despite all my efforts I still failed to study correctly. I was supposed to be able to do that assignment without issue but it caused so many issues. And now a new class started, I barely slept and it's far more chaotic than the last one. I'm afraid of failing this and that I failed the exam.

I realized, I can only be somewhat happy when everything goes as I plan it, anything that forces me off track breaks me. Through the end of the day I have the constant feeling that I missed something, that I had to do a lot of other things but didn't manage to and as result I lock up and end up being unable to sleep until it's 2-3 AM. That's even on successful days when it comes to study. Maybe it's all my personal drawing deadlines that I've failed.

For me it´s like if I fail one of the many things I failed them all automatically, that´s how this study works at least, you have to succeed at every part of a class.

I know my way of thinking is not good but I simply can´t overlook things. I cannot not think about things.

I still keep thinking of the negative outcome of a situation, that people expect to know something, but I just don´t know, no matter how many times you ask. I keep repeating that as a panic sentence in my head ´I don´t know´. The constant feel that something is expected of me but I can´t do it.




I guess this is a good one to end this with. One of my lab partners is 19 and she´s upset because she´ll end up finishing her study at a very early age. Man, life sure is funny isn't it? It just loves sapping every possible bit of happiness out of me.

I still wonder, why am I broken and how can I be fixed?

I figure I write some more about how things are at the moment and this time definitely more positive than before.
I continued using my study method of going to the library to study and as result I managed to finish summarizing all study material for the exam in the 2nd week. This is very new for me as I usually end up having to do most things last minute but now I'm prepared to rehearse all study material for the exam 2 weeks before the exam itself.
Besides lectures we also had lab work which also went pretty well for me. There's 3 experiments going on in this class which 1 of them was finished last week and the 3rd starting and finishing the 3rd week, which is this week now. For every experiment a essay has to be written so now I have to write a Essay of the first experiment and it would probably good if I started for the unfinished 2rd experiment this week as well. So far it goes better than ever so I'm very happy how it's going with my study right now.
Now I do look up ahead as always so I did see that the class after might be far harsher than this one and I also don't get to prepare beforehand and the class after that I have to write a literature review which I have to find a lecturer for myself somehow, I'm not even sure. There should be 1 week of vacation than before the final class starts though knowing how I'm already slow and the stories of other students about the literature review I have my worries that I won't be able to even use that vacation. Finally there's the final class that I never properly started so also worrying about that.

As for art, that's what I've been running into the most lately. When I come home I'm actually done with the day when it comes to schoolwork but I feel like it's than time to work on art. I did practice before but dropped that as I wanted to get back to a slightly older work I never finished. I started it in November and kept up with it until old and new but after that I was just way too busy to get anything done. I've been looking up against finishing it for a while now. I've promised a couple of people I was working on this amazing thing for everyone but looking at it just makes me unhappy. It's one of the things that keeps me busy in my mind.
I'm actually in constant worry I'm disappointing someone. Mainly about friends that I'm not keeping up enough contact and also that piece.
I still seek random things to distract me from my worries despite that things have changed for the better. I am slowly cutting off sources of stress like my main PC that's noisy as heck which just doesn't work with how noise sensitive I am. I'm happy I have my laptop back now which can do most things my PC can do and that while it's nearly completely silent. I started to use my laptop more now which I think is helping me get less stressed.

Still I keep thinking I'm not done with the day which is keeping me awake for way too long which as result makes me unable to get enough hours of sleep as I have to wake up early for the classes. I think what bothers me is that I get no art done. I think the only way is to finally finish that piece however bad it is. I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just not used to actually being done with study work at the end of a day.

Anyway it's again more vague crap from me that I just had to write down.

Go check it out here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/225.....#cid:116424843
He's a artist that doesn't post too frequently but when he does it looks really good so grab that chance while it's possible. Looking forward to this piece myself!












As for me I'm just drawing a lot now, trying to force myself to draw many more hours in the day hoping to get less distracted. Looking at the things I have to practice and getting frustrated again cause I somehow have to improve a lot over 2 more weeks before classes start again and I don't know where to start.

In short: I'm still hoping to find artists with the same interests near me. Someone I can hang out with some time, draw a bit. That would be really nice.

In long: Having severe depression again, feeling extremely lonely. I literally have nothing to look forward to other than just more work. I'm seriously starting to wonder why I'm even doing everything I do now. I'm not a workhorse, just because I'm a living person doesn't mean I'll keep on working and hope to be happy with what I do while actually it's only making someone else happy. As if I'm some small part in a machine, why would I put all that effort in just to keep that machine running where I don't get any benefit out of? To me the machine can die off, it has no value to me. Where's my moment for happiness?
Work is not it's own enjoyment, it's something you do so later you can do the things that you enjoy, both in long and in short term. I don't see anything come from it though.
I'm seriously wondering if anything I do really has a point to it. All I know is to work hard but hard work doesn't get you friends so why work at all?

I really don't see any point to my life as it is, I'm already 26, had no social life in my youth, still don't really have any and have no sight on progress. And what about the other parts of my life? I wanted to work on a huge advancement which I have to do a Biology study for which is going nowhere, I fail almost every class despite the effort I put into it, I have no life outside that and yet everything fails.
Art wise I hoped to get near the same quality of art as Kuroma at some point but look at where I'm now after all these years, after the same amount of time as Kitora and Kuroma I'm still absolutely nowhere. People still enjoy my art because I'm one of the few traditional artists but the sad reality is that I just don't have the money to get better quality art equipment be it better things for traditional art or digital art. I draw on A4 copy paper with mechanical pencils using the cardboard of a crappy sketchbook as underground.

I just want a place to be at, somewhere I can be happy, but it seems that's too much asked so life will just torment me until I'm dead. In that case I wonder why I should keep on going.


Ok perhaps I do know 2 of the good hyper muscle artists, as friends actually kinda, I'm insecure. They live a day travel away from me however so I would only be able to plan on meeting them during a vacation if they would also have time than and would enjoy it that is.

With both Christmas and New year's eve being rather close to each other I always feel like I should've done something. To me it feels like the time that everyone goes to meet both family and friends, go out and what not, do something fun together. Family I do have and it was decent but I feel like I once again failed to find people to be around with, another chance missed. I feel extremely frustrated as result, maybe it's just because I now and than think of the study project that continues after the weekend. It's like my life can be separated in large periods of stressful study work and short periods of loneliness. I think about what even is anything I do amount to, I don't have anything to look forward to, there's only more work with nothing in return. Some say it's easy to make new friends, but for me it's always been and seemingly always will be a struggle. all I know is to work. Others are happy to see the result of my work and say things are ok as to what I'm doing but I never truly feel the same way. Perhaps I'm just frustrated because this Christmas vacation seems like a big failure to me.
I suppose I did continue meeting up with my old neighborhood friend again, simply going for a walk and chatting about things. I guess that's better than nothing.
I guess I did make slow progress over the year, I just hate the thought of Christmas and new year's eve being that one time when everyone comes together, you should be having people to be around with or otherwise you're a dummy. I hate that thought, I hate failing at things, I hate it that it gives a good reason for people to look down on me.

I've been struggling with the thought that I have no future.

Christmas and new year's eve are those times you should be really happy but for me it's depressing.


Anyway happy new year I suppose, soonish, depending on your timezone.

[Edit]
You know what I actually am slowly building up more contacts through some furry telegram group, I just need a bit more time.

As I mentioned before I ran into some issues and I'm very sorry for delaying this as well as the following bad news. I only have vacation for the rest of this week and afterwards my class continues again so I will only have very little time to draw.

I promised to a few people who wanted commissions from me before that I would continue during the Christmas vacation so I will try for whatever time i still have, hopefully I can continue working on commissions afterwards too but I can't promise to get anything done any time soon when I need to follow classes again.

I've noted everyone about this situation. I thought as I don't have much time maybe I try to do something for those that haven't gotten anything from me yet.
I say this as I haven't done commissions for multiple people at the same time and worry about not being able to get something done for everyone. What I do know is that I'm not fast enough to get it all done in just a few days. I can only hope I get to continue working on it after the vacation.

Finally got my internet back though. Wireless antenna cable broke so couldn't connect with my PC since the first day of Chrismas. I'll see how this works now with a electric net LAN thing, the old one my younger brother used before he moved out to his own place.

Had a nice Christmas. The evening nieces, nephew and my younger brother came over for Christmas dinner and the 2nd day my younger brother came over again, had gourmet dinner than and got sick a bit, fever during the late evening but the next day I was mostly recovered.
Overall pretty ok time. Went for a bit of a walk with a old neighborhood friend yesterday which was nice as I haven't had much contact with actual friends lately.
I've also been working more on the big piece I was working on for a while now, started to add in something some might like. Been able to focus a bit more on that with less distractions. I hoped to finish it before opening for commissions but I suppose it's better if I do both at the same time. So with that-

Commissions:
Some have been waiting for a very long time before I could do more commissions again and I promised I would do it during the Christmas vacation which is now. Only this week sadly enough but I will do my best to open up. I would've gone through all the commission notes to make a list but wasn't able because of the internet issues which are solved now. Had to do a lot of work today helping family so I will properly go through them properly tomorrow.
Sorry again for so many delays.

I do remember I promised to do more commissions during the Christmas vacation which is next week but there's a few issues.
First there's a lot going on with the study project going on now so I didn't had any time to focus on art in general, less so on this, I will still have to do a lot tomorrow. Second I've not been doing really well with practicing figure drawing so I won't do any better and I will be rather slow doing them. Third my Christmas vacation is only 1 week rather than the usual 2 so I will have a lot less time, that combined with me still being slow means I will likely not be able to do a lot if any at all. I also got halfway in a personal drawing that I would like to finish first.
I'll check my notes tomorrow or in the weekend to see who was previously still hoping to get some first and go from that to see who comes first.
I might be able to continue working after the vacation as that part of the project is mostly practical work and no study work.

So in short I did think about it but I'm still really busy now so I can't start right away.

Last week a lot of frustrating family issues happened, I was basically used as scapegoat for all their issues and they cut the internet as usual. I was absolutely done with their crap at that point and figured to not bother with it as a exam was coming up. I figured no internet means no distractions and used my time studying in one of the University's library's, I actually ended up being really productive and was done summarizing all the material early so I could study from my summary through the weekend. I ended up doing really well at the exam, results are still to come but for the first time in a very long time I actually felt that I did really good at the exam, I had no doubts walking out when I finished it, that felt really good.
I still had a presentation on Friday after the exam so I was still far from done and Thursday I actually worked the entire day on it until 2:00 AM, didn't manage to practice it so I ended up being really anxious and had trouble talking properly as usual but otherwise they always say that the content was really good, so same result this time. They usually don't give bad scores on presentations, as long as there is content it's good but every lecturer is different.
I do think that I made it which makes me happy. However that's the only class I finished of this entire minor which is still devastating for me to see how I failed everything up to so far. It was also less material before the exam.
I guess I should look at it more positively and see that I found a study method that works for me. All I really need for studying is silence and no distractions. Speaking of distractions I suppose I also have a sort off media addiction. I do tend to check all these websites like Youtube, Tumblr and Twitter on a daily basis which I definitely should do a lot less frequently. I think chatting and gaming with friends is a better thing to spend my free time on.

I came to the realization that neither my family or the people from the study are happy with me and I have to choose what's more important for me and that's the study. I'm simply going to avoid all the crap of my family for now, it's the main source of distraction I realize. I should've been living on my own but I'm still too insecure about that so I figure studying at the library away from house is the next best thing for me. Turns out it works, it finally felt like I was doing it for myself and not to make others happy which was a relief really. I'm done being judged for everything I do, so I feel at least.



As for art, didn't really got to it because this last 2 weeks I had to study a lot. I did do some practice sketches last week, I'll probably do some more this weekend but afterwards I'll have to see as next week a large project class starts.
I hope you're ok with there being no muscle art for a while, it's why I'm practicing figure drawing, I'm simply not happy with how I draw these figures. I need to get better first.

I figured I write something about how I feel art wise, a more positive thing actually.
Please don't take anything negatively.

First off, sorry that I've not been drawing much muscle art lately but I simply don't have much confidence in it anymore. It's why I've been doing more practice sketches. This is more so for myself, I simply don't like working really long on something I don't like in the end. More muscle art will come eventually but only once I feel more confident about it.

I also wanted to say that I'm not really that worried about the rest of my art not seeming to be as interesting to most. I realize that constantly trying to please a audience is a dumb idea. It's what all these popular Youtubers do, they seem to do this overreacting just to keep their viewers interested. It seems more like they do it for the enjoyment of others than for their own enjoyment. They actually have to as that's how they make money that they live from. I don't live from my art so although others being interested is nice, it's not something that keeps me alive. I don't have to sacrifice my own enjoyment in art for others. I started to realize that more the last few months. I am not obligated to draw some buff dude every few days just because a lot of others do the same.
I figured to think back at when I didn't had a FA page even before I knew much about art online. I drew because I wanted to, because I liked to and not because a large number of people were following my art online.
I do am happy that others enjoy my art but it shouldn't be the only reason why I draw to begin with. I should draw more for my own enjoyment I thought and so I do. My chubby dragon Keltz is a good example of that, he's a lot easier to draw and even though I do make errors I enjoy the end result a lot more myself.

So in short I actually don't worry that much about art, it's more so my study where all the worries come from. The thing I do worry about in art is how much time I get to work on it next to my study.

Rather anxious because another exam is coming uo on Monday. Actually next week looks horrible, Monday a exam, Tuesday another presentation where we still need to get through some feedback we got for the material and Friday the exam of this entire class.

I hope I don't forget this again but I will probably do forget some things. I realize a bit now as also the psychologist are saying, Inability to seperate main and side issues as well as slower though processing is just part of autism, just part of me no matter how much I struggle against it in order to feel equal to others.
But how do others really do. I had the luxury of finally asking that to yet another group of students, not the 2 top students I befriended. It was another presentation assignment we had to work on and this time rather than only getting work done I asked them how they get through this study. The thing is even they notice that a lot of the lectures are pretty crappy when it comes to giving visibility over main and side issues. Even they find that one lecturer from last class that this coming retake is about really stubborn for all the crap he threw on us as study material at the very end of the class just before the exam. '30 min to get through his article' he said, no one agrees with that. Since barely anyone got through that class they too have trouble with now having to go through material of 2 classes at the same time.
I'm really not that different than it's just that it's mentally overwhelming for me to see how much I have to do in so little time, there's no end to it.

The biggest issue is that the study can't do much about it, they have a set program with a certain expected study speed. I can ask but in most cases they tell me they can't do much with this info and they can't really do much about it. Even my occupational therapist said that 4 week classes is really fast. I guess another factor is that I was at least helped before collage, something to keep me motivated. Now I'm on my own and I completely break down to all the setbacks I'm getting.
Really it's difficult for me to ask the study advisers or dean if I can do the study in a slower way, not following every class so that I have enough time to prepare for the classes that I do indeed do. I don't really believe I have that privilege but I do or I'm not really certain really, I did ask this time.
It stings that I have to go through the study in more years than others although I do realize now that even they have to redo classes from last year.

The study material isn't really too difficult for me it's that it goes to fast for me.
I want the setbacks to stop so i can be at the same point as others I guess I just want to get there already.

Thing is also that definitely now too with all these setbacks my ambition for art only grows. With study taking up so much of my time I don't have time to keep up whatever social network I build up or work on art as much I would hope to.
The amount of drawing ideas I have and keep getting more and more and all the setbacks preventing me from progressing on that is frustrating and making me depressed.

I honestly still have problems seeing how others around me are better, always the way I see. Why are they even better? The one student I work with has no issue keeping up all the study material we get. Easily memorizes what she needs from the lectures, easily sees what's important for the exam and what's not. She only needs to look through the full lectures once the day before the exam and she'll make it most of the time. Doesn't always work out but most the time it does. She even told me that her main issue was that she wasn't motivated before university because nothing was challenging her or something. So most the time she's actually free of study work where I drive myself into the ground trying to make summaries of the lectures and other exam materials.
It's sickening me, how come after all I put into my study I still have so much difficulty with it, when there's people like that, or that other student I know who never failed a exam, never had to do retakes, never felt that same pain of failing over and over again. I guess it's a selfish way of looking at things, to have it easier I guess but I also otherwise feel like I'm doing it wrong, all the way wrong, see others do it like that they easily get through it, they don't get why I'm so stressed, why I'm always stressed always anxious, they never get that.
It's painful for me to look at it. I feel like I haven't been able to move the last 6-8 years or so probably even more. All I've been doing these years is becoming older, only more is expected from me as the years slip by. I always had a little bit of trouble with my study but it didn't become hell until collage. I start to horribly envy everyone that's doing better than me. My envy for better artist's actually spread out from that, from my study. Always thought that I'll just do my best but that wasn't enough that's not how it works, I don't know how it works otherwise. Now I somehow have to show even more that I'm good enough for everything, show that I'm worth something.
I'm scared, I'm worried I'll never be able to move on with my life, never reach my goals. Where's everything I worked so hard for I wonder as everyone walks past me way ahead of me. Where is it and why was it taken away from me?
Am I only moving closer towards the grave?

I'm sorry that I'm nothing but a depressed mess lately with barely any art production, if you can even call the rough sketch work production. I just don't feel like I ever managed to move forward. I feel unless I do I will never produce the art I expect to do and everyone else also expects me to do. it has to be way better than what I do now.

This one http://wheeliewifee.tumblr.com/post.....-in-a-nutshell

I still have a lot of ideas of things I want to draw. A entire back log of comic ideas only in my mind but none on paper. Constantly new ideas too but at the same time I also immediately know I won't be able to do it. It's like the motivation for a new thing rising up only to be kicked down by my incapabilities.
I even don't get practice done because I'm afraid a already monotonous task doesn't work up to something. I feel like I need to drop doing full pieces entirely and completely focus on doing more practice but practice doesn't seem rewarding to me. I'm unsure if I will get there while I'm doing sketch practices and now even before I do them.
The constant pauses my study causes makes me unsure if practice even helps when I'm already so far behind and never get enough time to even properly practice and do something fun next to it. Practicing art isn't fun it's the same as doing work for my study I have to work to a certain point but I don't know where that is.

Fear of a deadline to reach makes me unable to even start working on anything until it's already really late. Late in days, late in hours in a day.
I also give myself penalties for not getting things done like I haven't finished something so I am not allowed to waste my time on playing games with a friend or I'm not allowed to draw even though I really wanted to.

I can't bare to live a life day by day knowing I'm not getting anything done, not moving forward. I feel like I've not accomplished anything in all these years still nothing WHY?
Every day driven by deadlines.
My life is a perfectly calculated set of failures of me running into deadlines over and over again until the final deadline hits me, the end of my life.

I realize I do feel a bit better now that I slowly start to socialize more, I finally have a few Dutch furs I chat with pretty much every day and once in a while might meet up again.
I also realize that my usual worries aren't gone because of that, not like my problems are over in a instant. Being behind with my study and seeing how my other class mates are so far up ahead of me, seeing how much I still have to redo, it really stings, it's depressing.
Same for art, I notice how little I know about drawing, how much time I take to draw things, seeing newbies improve in a super rapid phase soon to get past me leaving me behind everyone, I don't like it. It makes me really dissatisfied with my own art also knowing how little I improve if I even improve at all. Still stuck drawing with pencil on paper as my only thing, my rough looking drawings that take me many days of work walked over by colorful sharp digital art like it's nothing. Any decent artist that there are many of even when they specialize in digital art can draw way sharper than me on paper, no grey smears, no rough lines, sharp lines, well proportional figures with consistency. Beaten in my own specialty by everyone it seems. Sometimes I'm sick of my colorless lifeless drawings.
But that is how it goes. Things sometimes don't go as we plan and go from bad to worse, so it's important to have other things to look forward to and I finally have that. Study and art alone are can't fill in my entire life, socializing more gave me a much needed vent at last. Finally meeting other people in person with roughly the same interest really helps out a lot. I notice that is likely what some artist especially the ones that draw more weird fetish stuff like I do need but don't have. That might be what happened to another artist I looked up to. I hope they find a way besides art to be happy about themselves once again.

When it comes to art I notice how I don't manage to draw every day after coming back from classes, instead I'm keeping myself busy by drawing things during breaks between classes. It seems to work, I'll soon upload the result of that.

Like the last image I posted stated was at a weekend furmeet that organized. It was a little furmeet of me, Bayonaise and Riley. Mainly just relaxing and playing wii games including Wii sports, more on that here: http://www.furaffinity.net/controls.....info/21181298/
First time in years that I actually slept over at someone else's place, that's been a barrier for me for some time of me not trusting anyone.
Was a pretty fun and simple meet up, just the 3 of us playing some games, something I was used to doing but didn't had before with anyone I didn't already knew that only being my best friend.
I feel better now, definitely breaking me out of my depression issues now that I slowly start to live a normal social live.
Just a bit tired as I do still have sleeping issues but doing fine otherwise.

I do have to focus a bit more on my study now.

I start to realize how much I focus on negative things.
I do have a couple of online friends and a few I know in person, yet I only focus on the friends I wasn't able to make. When it comes to me trying to chat with people that are not easy or even impossible to socialize with I can talk for a long while and also keep thinking about it: How can I improve? what should I have said? What am I doing wrong?
It's difficult for me to come up with something to talk about with online friends that are doing ok. Seems that I can only focus on the things I do wrong or other things that aren't enjoyable, so much that it's hard for me to focus on things that are going well.
It's kinda more like I'm overly cautious of negative things that might happen that I can't see the positive ones.
It kinda became a bad habit I guess, not like telling me to stop thinking that way will really work.

I probably could go into more detail but I'm a bit tired now.