My study has started which I will have to focus on now, as result I won't be able to work on commissions for the time being.
I'm likely opening up again during the Christmas vacation, until than I'm not sure if I will have any time for it.

Getting commission requests every now and than so I figure I inform everyone that is still interested.

Came back yesterday from EF22. It was really fun once again, a bit ups and downs, mainly had issues finding people because both the wifi and my phone were bad. I got to get a new phone for next EF.

So this EF I met and . Both amazing hyper artists I look up to and recently started to chat with online. First time I meet them in person was really nice, we're kinda decent friends now I think. Was drawing at the same table and did a few trades with them. There aren't really any other hyper artists at Eurofurence aside from that I know of so it's nice not being the only one this time. Oh and of course also met Redsilver's friend who draws macro things I think.

I couldn't really choose which panels I would follow and which I would skip. One nice one was Fast Furry Friends which was kinda like speed dating but more like you try to make friends in 5 min than switch to another person. A few of the people there I became friends with.

Than there was a furry anatomy panel which was really bad. The person is a pro furry artist for 23 years and what I saw was not anatomy at all. It was a method of mass producing generic furry art. It made me really annoyed, I should've just left halfway but I don't like to interrupt panels on the other hand.
On the other hand it makes me more confident in my own style because I know I can develop pretty much any kind of figure with the way I draw gestures and everything, I can draw more detailed things. It's taking me a while to figure out how to draw but at least I know I will become a lot better than that if I keep practicing.
Actually some people notice that I draw hips well, I still have trouble with hips but I'm happy that it's recognizable that I put a lot of work into it.

Actually later that day after the furry anatomy panel I randomly noticed another amazing artist at the artist lounge just as I was about to go back to my hotel. It's he does a lot of very detailed anatomy practice

Saw again but just like last year he's drowning himself into even more work, didn't had time outside Dealers Den to meet.

Drew a Lucario with massive hips for the guy with a awesome Lucario hat that was also drawing Lucarios: http://danwolf15.deviantart.com/  danwolf15

Went out eating a bit with one of my new friends and his friends which was one of the most enjoyable parts for me.

Tried to sit down in artist alley to do commissions but no luck there.

And I guess I walked around for the most part checking out all these nice fursuits. I thought I found , was to anxious to ask but after a few times I finally dared, I got confused when a male voice came out of that suit, apparently he bought that suit from her. I didn't even knew she had it before.
I also saw this suiter: https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u.....0is%20cute.jpg Only a few times but I mean I have a fetish for big hips and this suit has exactly that. Female suiter but the character is supposed to be male so that gets extra points.
More videos I made of the suit: https://twitter.com/Raikuen/status/.....80963594547200
dancing: https://twitter.com/Raikuen/status/.....87975669727233
The suiter is http://swarthylacine.deviantart.com/ and the suit's name is Nigiri.
Big hipped sushi dog! Wanted to give them a drawing during the convention but had no luck finding them again.
Expect that a bit later.

And that's roughly EF22 for me.
Going after my study now as I still don't know if I'm actually even following any minor now.
Otherwise resting a bit, didn't get much sleep.

Had some issue with my PC in the morning as it wouldn't boot up windows properly. Windows tried to update but I was afraid it was another virus (had virus issues last week) as it was not showing any signs of what it even was doing only the typical loading dots so I pressed the reset button on my PC and suddenly it wouldn't boot up windows anymore. I tried every safe start up function but they all ended with a Windows XP loading bar that immidiatly went back to rebooting the PC.
I was lucky as my niece and her BF came over, her BF is good with PCs so I asked him, told me that windows was probably broken and that I had to reinstall windows possibly even the original disc.
Instead I started up my laptop and looked up a solution, found that I could try reinstalling windows 10 so I downloaded windows 10 setup on my laptop, backed up and emptied a big enough USB-stick and went through 2 downloads that took a couple of hours, 2 because it failed to fully download the installer once after already haven taken a hour and a half.

Than booted up the PC from the USB with windows 10 installer, tried a few things which ended up in it telling me to just restart the PC, suddenly it worked. No re-install it just worked.
PC issues aren't fun but at least I fixed it within the same day. Probably the most I did in solving these kind of bigger issues myself.

Well I'm happy it works again. Tomorrow I'll do last preparations for EF and than Tuesday I'll be on my way there.

My birthday is at the 11th. Don't have anything planned sadly enough. I was at some furry party last Saturday however, was nice. Not much super duper fun stuff but I felt comfortable which is what I hoped for the most. Maybe I can organize a small meet myself, hoping I could find some other furry artists and basically draw a bit. That would be the best though maybe I need other methods of entertainment too and I don't know how.
Basically I have absolutely nothing for my birthday this time though I've been socializing more lately so that makes me happy. Eurofurence coming up soon too. Gonna meet  Furry and  Redsilver there at least and maybe some other artists too.

Still having sleep issues and issues planning my day in, getting everything done, practicing art on top of daily chores. But at least I feel a bit better.

I've mainly been practicing so not anything I will upload, but I haven't even been able to do that lately. I have vacation now so It's not like I have no time for it. I start to realize why though, my entire life I've been trying to work harder hoping things will always end up better.
The reality is that there's always things that will go wrong no matter how much effort you put into it.
This is just the normal work stress everyone has to deal with I'm no different in that regard. My problem is I have no way to get rid of this stress.
I have no other thing to think about because I do nothing else besides it.

Perhaps I also do my best because I'm trying to earn people's thrust that way, to show that I'm worth something.
But that's not how things work I've realized. No matter how well I do with my study, no matter how well I end up drawing, I won't 'earn' my friends with hard work.
Looking at that it feels to me like everything I do is pointless.
I keep thinking about that more and more lately.
Sure I have greater goals but I gain nothing in between, it's a all or nothing which starts to fall more onto nothing now.

I don't see a point in a lonely life like this for me. I've become extremely desperate in the look for finding people I could be with, doesn't even have to be really close friends.
Just something to break out of this negative spiral.

I did find a Dutch furry group on Telegram and on facebook. I find that I might be a bit to impatient with trying to meet others. Just as I'm impatient with improving with art. I simply don't know where to start.

I'll get to making another commission info pic later I suppose, got to practice too, in the meantime go check out this other artist:

Arkomeda, another really good traditional artist (who made one of the best penis drawing tutorials which I have learned a lot from myself) is doing emergency commissions. Their PC broke down so, anyone that wants to help out and get good traditional art from them go check out this journal http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7693697/
They also draw muscle stuff and decently big dongs if that's in your interest. After all it's from them that I'm learning how to draw the bits better.

Commissions
I forgot to mention than since my exam is over, I'm open for commissions again.
I'll go with the people that noted me beforehand first, but otherwise it's whoever is able to pay comes first.
Rules are mostly the same as before http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17780991/
I'll add a few new rules if needed.
Note me if you're interested.





Meeting up with Dutch furs
Other topic is that I'm really hoping to find some Dutch furs/furry artists to meet up with, hopefully this summer vacation. Hoping they enjoy roughly the same stuff but otherwise it can only good and possibly even make new friends. '
Going mainly based on travel distance. And well social contact is still difficult for me so having the same interests would make things a lot easier.

I'm sorry for my extreme anxiety outburst journal. It's difficult for me to keep a positive outlook when all I really do is study and it doesn't work out every time simply cause that's how it goes. Whilst studying I actually found that it was more helpful to ask a student friend who finished every class how he did it rather than ask the lecturers. That's how it went mainly, they tell me I need to read everything when even a top student doesn't bother reading the book chapters and just summarizes the lectures.
It still takes long for me to take that step, to ask someone for help but it did pay off in the end otherwise I would only be halfway in the book chapters whilst panicking even more before the exam.

Main problem is I don't meet often with friends in person, only one student i go jogging with every 1-2 weeks, mostly every 2 weeks lately. I don´t have any friends I meet up with otherwise but I definitely have the desire for it. I usually have a issue where once someone says they can´t because reason X, I don´t ask them any time soon and eventually completely forget to ask them at all if they would enjoy to go hang out somewhere.
I only know these 2 students which took me a lot of effort to become friends with, I´m not sure if I can really call them close friends more kinda loosely bound by having the same study as the only thing in common so that´s what I mainly talk about. I also have a close friends who I rarely talk to now as started following different studies, haven´t met up with him for probably a year now. Slightly less actually, it was slightly after my last birthday that we met up again otherwise I only talk with him over steam.
So basically my goal for this summer vacation would be to find more people I could meet up in person with which is easier said than done. I´m still hoping to find some ppl in the furry fandom maybe some Dutch ppl at EF who knows.

Everything I worked up to these last few stressful anxiety filling weeks, more than a month and it's likely not enough. Especially for the exam about the lab work we did. Isn't it great to see that all your work was for nothing, over and over again.
I have less and less hope for my own future.



...

I don't like feeling like this for every exam I have on this mental torturing study I follow.

Seems my anxiety issues have gotten worse again and as result I'm unable to sleep well and the whole intestine pain issue has become worse again.
It's really mainly my own fault I guess, the problem is that I keep thinking about everything at the same time and that's impossible for me to do everything I want to do.
For example with study a new class starts and I need to do a lot of self study, follow lectures, prepare and work on practicals, assignments presentations and a exam at the end. I keep thinking about everything all at once and only keep thinking how I would ever finish all these things because I don't know how much time it will cost me. Eventually this means I end up never starting because I'm too afraid of failing it.
At first I thought all students were perfect but me. Than I realized that a lot of them got lower grades than me but I thought they still manage to finish every single class be it with a minimal score. Now I realize more that even they fail or even skip classes. The main difference being that others don't keep thinking about it, they just move on. I however still keep thinking that I could just as easily fail the next class despite all hard work I put into it and now I keep thinking about it. I'm so afraid of failing that I don't even make a start.
Another issue is that I have the constant thought that I have to perform well for someone, probably my family, I keep thinking I'm criticized on how well I do, to the point that they want me to just stop if that's the only thing I think about. It's not I have a greater goal with my study, it's that I pick things up in a different way than intended. For them it's mostly practical reasons, things have to be done in the house and more.
Thing is now, I finished the propadeutic year so other than study finances there isn't a real deadline in years for the rest of Bachelor. I'm still frustrated about how many years I lost to my study and only thinking about my study but I can only really move on. I just hate thinking about continuesly having to run behind others. More and more I start to feel hopeless, I want to move on but feel like I can't and time moves on while I think about all this. I sometimes feel like I'm not capable for the study. In reality I am very much able to do this study, through hard work I do manage to remember stuff better than some others. The issues is the continues anxiety issues I get. I have to let go of the idea that I might fail a class somehow. I have to let go of the idea that I need to show that I perform at all times somehow. If I would have a clear mind I would study a lot better, I might still fail some classes but if I would be able to not care too much about it I could just move on. I could have a normal sleep maybe.

Maybe having a better social life would help, I have some student friends now that I see maybe once ever 1-2 months, I definitely have a desire for more. I thought of furries here in Netherlands a long while ago, but I have no idea how I would approach that, some forums or something? Meeting up with people would be really nice I think. I'm not the type that is afraid to talk to other people, I just don't know where to start a conversation but once I start it's no problem at all.

Seeing as My main problem is anxiety and that all physical pain comes from that I thought or more like I've been told to try meditating. I've never done that and didn't really get the point of what meditating was for but seeing as nothing else helps, maybe this will calm me down a bit. I did start using some mindfulness app although not every day and not every training clicks, like one about eating/tasting food. It's really more about getting myself to do it and also finding the right time and place to, my mind is still full of everything.

I'm actually afraid that if I can't overcome these issues that I won't be able to move on at all, not with my study not with anything, I would constantly be dependent, I can't live with that thought in mind.
Art has the same kind of issues for me. Sometimes I get really motivated to draw something like when I started drawing Keltz. But i don't always have that spike of motivation and I still should draw, at least practice because that's the only way to improve. I've found tutorials that would really help which mainly go about drawing the same thing over and over in your own way. (Like following a head drawing tutorial, you don;t just stop by drawing the head correctly, after that you should keep drawing that head, you'll get faster at it, find shortcuts by muscle memory and so on). Problem is that it's a really monotonous task and I keep doubting if it will work out. That all on top of doubting I even have enough time for it next to all study and other things I have to do in a day.
I can improve, I'll just say it instead of doubting myself, maybe one day I will be as good as Kuroma or Veramundis. Not half as good, but as good in my own way. In my own style. That's a dream for me I can only succeed if I keep drawing frequently.

Now for the last thing: Eurofurence.
I've been there last year and had the time of my live, definitly something essential so I can be happy. However I went there completely alone, rather adventures for me but this year I would really like to go with others, meet others at least, I'm pretty sure everyone already registered for it and their hotels. I still have to register for everything, hopefully it's not too late.
So I'm not sure how people come in contact to meet up and all. If anyone knows where and what some forum I'm guessing, please let me know. I'm not too interested in the panels, I really care more about meeting up with people.

I'm feeling again like the entire world is turning against me and that people only feel enjoyment in my misery. I did my best as much as i could but I got sick, lost a week of study time and on top of that my crippling anxiety prevented me from even starting to study for the exam in the first place. To me it seems again like everyone has the time of their life and having no problem at all with this class while I sacrifice everything and get nothing in return, it's times like these that make me wonder if I even want to continue with my study in the first place. My study is crucial for me, it's my life and I feel like I never actually lived my life because of that, because all I have is my study and that last thing isn't even going well for me.
The reality of it all is different but the negative performance anxiety I have gives me a bleak outlook on life. I always feel like a exam is a life or death situation, I either succeed or something horrible will happen. I feel like I must succeed everything because that for me is how it looks like everyone is doing.
I don;t want to feel like that anymore. Working together with another student for the longest part of the year now I notice she doesn't seem to worry that much about succeeding or not succeeding, or at least that's how it looks for me. I want to feel like that, to not be scared anymore if I succeed or not. Of course everyone gets a little bit stressed when something important like a exam comes up, but it's not something that should completely take control over me. I really don;t know how to get out of this anxiety hell hole...
Expect some vent art from me for a bit...

Lil short thing I wanted to say mostly about my study again.
Seems I really have a lot of trouble with negative performance anxiety. I basically am too afraid that things won;t work out that I won't ever start working on it but once I get over those barriers I properly get things done.I mostly have trouble working on my own but as soon as I work with someone else on something I can really get a lot of things done, mostly working myself, just discussing some things that come as roadblocks for me helps.

Another problem I walk into is not being able to flip the switch for how I should respond between different situations. The issue probably starts up from my lab work where I still don't manage to work fast enough and ask too many questions. Being perfectionist is probably why I walk into these issues, they don't expect you to perfectly succeed in your experiments, they prefer that you just get all the work done for the day in a reasonable time. You do need to understand what you do in the end but during the lab work itself they don't focus on that much at all.
So the problem that comes out of this is that I end up too scared to ask questions at other times like during lectures or asking others for help for a assignment. It's also mainly the lab work which makes me thinks that nothing that I do is enough, not even for lecture work or for when i draw, or things at home, I feel like i don't do enough.
So yea that's some issues I walk into, I figure it's better to try figure out the issues instead of just saying I'm bad.
I could also say like a lot of artists that I'm simply bad at drawing but that's not going to get me anywhere and also not the issue. My issue with art is simply that I don't draw enough, which is of course difficult because of my study but that's just how it is for now. If I can work better during my study I will ultimately also be able to study figure drawing more on my own.

Asked a girlfriend of my mother for help, she's kinde like a aunt really to how we help each other out. Finally asked myself and went and finally I got some progress and I now also know what to do for a bit. It's also because I worked together again and there really is no shame in it, this assignment was meant for groups of 4-5 people. So for now I'm out of this stress pit that kept me from working on it.

Still stuck with this Bio-ethics assignment, gonna be really happy once this horrible thing is finally done. I did make some progress with some help but the things they ask of you have nothing to do with biology, it's just the theme of it basically. Where everyone else had to do it in groups of 5, I now still have to do it on my own. On my own I only get more and more frustrated with it because everyone expects me to have it done already, I want it to be over too but it just doesn't work with my normal study progress. I have to somehow figure out and answer a bio-ethical question by figuring out what the opinions are of other people. Going with the opinions of some important people in different fields, I sometimes do get the arguments but the opinions don't actually fit in what I'm trying to answer so I wonder if I'm working on it correctly. No one seems like properly working together with me, no one seems to properly tell me so I pretty much lose trust in everyone.
I am finally asking people for help but with how jolly helpful my family was trying to force me to do things again even though I'm obviously not able to get through them myself...
The only thing I will learn from this class is that Bio-ethics is crap. It's just a huge nonsense blockade for scientist and science students build to frustrate you to no end.

I wanted to write a journal for weeks now but simply couldn't think of how or what and everything.
It's been really chaotic for me, something that's really simple for most, but difficult for me.
I don;t follow classes for a couple of weeks now but I still have a assignment that had to be finished from the class Bio-ethics, they basically gave me the rest of the school year (ends at the summer vacation) to finish it. They've been bugging me about a assignment I had to finish before the final assignment which I already completed just before the original. The way they described it made me think I overlooked something but in the end it was a error from them and than they realize i turned in the needed assignments before i could start with the final at 11 december.
In between I was trying to practice art again on and off, figure drawing and all, trying to find a better way to study it because the way I go at it now I just don't move forward. I did find something which is very monotone repetition of drawing one thing. Basically the person also saying I shouldn't cherish the stuff I do finish but I need to be able to do it again no matter what. Art really isn't much of a fun hobby for me anymore, it's really self study now. I don't feel well when I'm unable to draw for a day and worse so for every day on top.
So finally I get a email back from the lecturer that I finished the first assignments and that the main lecturer will tell me what to do for the final assignment which exactly as what every other group of 5 students had to do but without doing a interview and instead I have to find some literature for it.
They gave me a article to start with about some new way of genetic manipulation that so happens to be tested on non-viable human embryos.
I have to figure out some bio-ethical question which I should eventually simple down to a yes or no question. Went through the article and the only problem I find is that there's already all kinds of rules for genetic manipulation stuff which would be in the way of this research, but no thats not what i should be looking at I have to look at the whole genetic manipulation on human embryos part which I don't care about and I have to figure out some bio-ethical question about that. This class was too long ago. Couldn't find a way to start and now it's a week later... I don´t know where to start, don´t know where to go.
Finally asked family for help because it´s better to do that than to make no progress at all and feel bad every day...
I´m in that state of mind again where I think that everyone is against me...

Exam scores are finally in, I got a 8.3/10 for the last exam, so yay I did really well!

For now I still have a bit of a free period because I did finish the 2nd half of that class last year. Next week the next class starts and as usual I don't feel all to well about that. I didn't even prepare beforehand because I'm rather anxious because I think that's a class I didn't do well at, a lot of lab work in that one I think. At the same time I have another class that I still need to finish some assignment for which I have the entire year for but as long as it isn't done I still keep thinking about it and I don't know how much work that's going to be.

Haven't done much the last week or so, I did meet up with a friend last Tuesday which was nice but after that not much else. I did slowly work on a single piece over this time although not as much as i should during a free period. Free time should be a lot of artwork time for me which I'm failing horribly at, Hopefully I at least get this piece done before coming week, but when I finish it, 'What than after?' I think...

Just came back from the exam Microscopy and Imaging. I did my best to keep up with the lectures and assignments and did understand it very well this time. Of course I didn't get all the questions in the exam but I think I did well for most of it, still I'm never a 100% sure if I made it or not, I'll have to wait 2-3 weeks, maybe even more before I get the results. This being the only part of this class that I had to redo, which means I'm free for the next 2 weeks.
Despite all it was pretty stressful, got all the sleep and sickness problems as usual at the end which made it harder for me to learn, but at least now I can take a little break and rest a bit.

I also worked together with someone who seemed slightly more like a friend: chatting a bit during lunch, working together on the assignments and going back home together, hope I can keep the contact up. Having more people to be around with would be nice.

Doing a little bit better. Another student missed the entire first lecture, explained a few things and now we're working together, it's really nice to not work completely alone on this. I would probably be in a state of panic but instead I'm moderately calm, still thinking about a few things but it might work out after all. Exam is actually next week which is the exam that I have to redo, if I manage to than I will have finished this class. The class is actually longer but I did finish the 2nd part before so I don't have to redo that.
Still thinking about how I'd find a group of people to be around with but that's obviously more complex and I'm not sure if I will be as lucky as i'm now with other classes.
I'm actually wondering about this furmeet thing, I know there's more people in Netherlands that like furry stuff but not sure how or what, how do people meet up and such I wonder.

Heh, anyway as for today I don't have anything to do for now, I also got myself some 'oliebollen', which is this treat I mentioned before, the ones that I got from the supermarket and I got food poisoning from, well now I got the real ones! And not the cheap disgusting illness inducing supermarket ones!
I might've missed the taste during old and new but at least I got it now!

I hope you all had some fun during old and new.
Not much for me, as usual I don't have anyone to hang out with or whatever. The Christmas vacation didn't fail to depress me and even add a bit of food poisoning at the end. Was horribly sick and had a bad headache yesterday.
Didn't manage to meet up with anyone, still not seeing anything positive, and in a bit my study will start where I haven't prepared even the slightest for and why should I because all I see things failing in my life. Slight successes don't make me happy anymore because I know that things aren't going well and won't go well overall. I feel like I'm getting punished for my lack of social skills! Like something doesn't want me to be happy!
I do constantly get new fun ideas that I want to draw out, but I'm constantly reminded by myself that it won't work out anyway. I know that when I draw something a lot of people here will enjoy it but it doesn't leave much with me after I don't know how much time I spend on a single piece and it still isn't what I was aiming for. Before I finish drawing out one thing I already get bored of it and want to move onto the next idea already!
Small successes don't make me happy anyway, a proper social life most likely will but apparently I'm not worth it...

I want to meet people ffs!

I know, it's because I wait and hope things to finally come to me where I should move out myself to find them, but I just don't know how and no one will tell me! I guess I'm just not worth it or somehow have to learn this myself. It's nothing but a spiral leading to my death which is the only certain thing in my life, that I'm reminded of in my sleep.




I'm sorry, it's just that the vacation is ending, nothing good happened for me and my study which feels to me like a big horrible thing is coming closer and closer. I needed this out of my system even though it won't do me or anyone any good at all!

If you don't want to know about my life problems and rather just enjoy my art than I'd advice you to not read this.

Trying to figure out a practical way to explain this. To keep it simple, I really want to be around people, as in friends or something. Go out and do whatever, but I just don't know how and where to start. It's what I really miss in life, it's what would make me happy.

My entire life revolves around the accomplishments that I make, in my study and in my art. Obviously not everything will work out, there's always times when things don't work out as you hoped for, which is what has been happening a lot more the last 4 years for me. A life can't be just about accomplishments and nothing more.

I need something to counterbalance the stress that I get from my study. A study being stressful is normal, but without a way out it becomes dreadful.
It's the Christmas vacation now, I don't know what to do so I waste my time again. I do want to go out there away from this PC but I don't know what to do. Lacking social skills to figure out where to start, it's frustrating. I will get nowhere and soon after this vacation my study will continue again and I will most likely fail the coming class because i'd get stressed again.

Not going to well with my study, I'm stressed to the point that I can't get anything done anymore. I did finish the first class but the class ending today I barely managed to do anything for.
I always kept complaining about health/intestine problems, at first it seemed a bit scary and I went to the hospital last year for that where they concluded that there was nothing wrong. I understand my problems a bit better now and know that it's really all because of the stress.
I have that awful feeling that I keep having during my study which is where I feel like I'm constantly being judged for everything that I do, not weird because a study does do that, for what they care about at least. Feeling like that at every moment for everything that I do and what I don't do isn't healthy however.
I do finally realize that I'm not worse at doing things than others, not in general at least, I do have what it takes for this study, everything except a clear mind. The biggest problem is that I'm really perfectionistic and as result of that I'm a lot slower, but it also means that I have a lot more trouble dealing with making errors. It's hard for me to continue on when things go wrong.
It feels like everything goes wrong and that I get judged for every error that I make to the point that it doesn't matter how much effort I put into anything, it feels like it's never enough. It's pretty obvious why I waste so much of my time blankly staring at Youtube videos, because it's the only thing that keeps my mind clear of all that.
The judgmental feeling mainly comes from people that I communicate with, more so when it's in person, so with family and lecturers.

In all honesty I guess just need a bit more happiness in my life. A little bit more of good things next to all the stress. What I really want is to be more around people, people with the same interests like furries I guess. I really had fun at something like Eurofurence, but that's only a once a year thing. I want something like that more often but on a much smaller scale. I believe people call them furmeets. I'm not sure how people organize those here in Netherlands. Communicating is pretty difficult for me, mainly starting conversations but it's definitly a thing I want more. I'm sure that will finally clear up my mind.

My study really does find new ways to frustrate me with, but I notice although get frustrated when things don;t work out I do manage to look for solutions now. The whole lack of sleep and intestine pains are back like they were last year but I am different in another way, although with trouble I do find ways to deal with things eventually.
Most of all how I keep looking down on myself because I can't get through the study like others, somehow they deal with how fast things go.
But I know at least some aren't against me, even though it's just someone from my family that is happy for me of how I do things.
I am actually good at the study, I just take a bit longer than others but that's because I do things with more precision.

I'm not bad I'm just a bit slower. Too bad it's a faint hope as a study requires you to work continually and fast with constant changing classes.

I need to try remind myself that being a bit slower doesn't mean I'm bad, it's just that the study can't slow down for me simply because of practical reasons.

Check out  arkomeda
They do really nice traditional character art so if you enjoy that than I suggest to check them out.
On top of that they did a really detailed tutorial about how to draw male genitalia, I notice a lot of artists that enjoy drawing hyper still have a lot to learn, myself not excluding. It might seem simple and silly but learning how to draw this properly is pretty essential if you enjoy drawing furry porn that includes male characters.


So yea that's that, go check em out.

In the mean time I hope my brain doesn't melt from the stupid study material that I'm getting now.

Update for how things go for me.

The last 4 weeks I had a Molecular Biology class, a lot of lab work and a theory exam in the last week. I actually think I did pretty well so I might've succeeded that class. That however didn't go without a cost as the stress caused my health problems to get worse again, the irritating pain returned again and I get less sleep again. It's pretty obvious that stress is the main cause of my problems. The new class that started this week (immediately after the last one) isn't going to well as result of that.
I have so little energy that I that simply can't focus on the assignments anymore and I'm trying to regain some sleep through the middle of the day now, hopefully that will work.

To make things worse I had another appointment with the study advisor (a week ago) who told me that the way it's going now gives a negative outlook on the future and that I should probably go back to collage, which I answered to with: NO!
Although that assumption is a bit too short sighted, it does play on in the back of my head, how my health issues keep getting in the way of my study.
I might take a bit longer for the time being but I really continue on like this in the long term. Eventually I need to do it like everyone else does. I need to be able to have enough energy to stay focused through the entire year.

Obviously this also has effect on how I do at art. My focus at first was to at least do a little bit of figure drawing practice every day, but I don't even get that done. Besides it's also frustrating that I still can't visualize the things I think up.

 Behemuffin, a great artist knows a lot about figure drawing techniques and draws various things, mostly hyper furry stuff, he also draws a lot of comedic pop culture things. He's one of my favorite artists. He taught me a lot about all kinds of things figure drawing related and I can definitely learn a lot more from him.

However that might not be the case anymore, problem is he's about to be evicted from his living place and he'll have to move to somewhere that will impact a lot of things for him in a bad way, one being that he won't be able to draw the things he likes. He might never come back is what I understand from him.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how I could help him. For one he lives in Brazil so I understand that makes things more difficult in multiple ways.

If anyone knows how to support him please do!