I just got the word. One more trip down to BFE for some home care training, and a few days later mom is coming home this week!

I was starting to get into my own head; last night I asked myself if I was really okay, but I wasn't sure. Mom's finally coming home... It's still sinking in right now. Been so tired, I'm a little slow at the moment.

Last night she started getting dizzy, and got sick. We don't know if it's the stomach bug that has been going around the facility recently, or if it's from pain and lack of sleep. EDIT: Now she's feeling hot and cold.

My middle sister has been pushing things a bit, trying to get mom out of there ASAP, and now she scheduled me to go down early in the afternoon to the city, in the hail, to get some training. I'm so exhausted, I don't know how I'm going to get up that early. I haven't been feeling all that great myself, but in my case it's because I had gotten some flaming hot cheetos, and upon first opening, I always end up over indulging. X__x

EDIT: Nurse is doing a bladder scan now.


I'm so tired. Forget breakfast, I want to go back to sleep.

Update: So mom's got another infection, and starting a second round of antibiotics.

We are maybe a couple weeks away from being able to bring mom back home after her fall. We need to find someone locally who can do home care, especially while I'm asleep during the day. It'll be good to have her back.

Here we go!

Uncle is back to his usual self. Just waiting on one more MRI and he might come home by tomorrow.

Mom is doing really well. She's walking around with a walker on her own to the point where the nurses took away the walker because they don't want her to fall while unsupervised.

The cats left a mess on the floor again this morning, so I was going to leave them out for a good long time, but shortly after my youngest cat didn't come when I called her, and the two boys were spooked and ran into the house. I heard the other cat fighting something down in the gully, and I quickly got her back home. She's got a tiny dot of blood on her nose, and was licking her leg and tail a bit when I got her inside. Otherwise, she looks fine. Will keep an eye on her—and these lil buggers aren't going out again today! >.< Good grief!

Now that it's 2 in the afternoon, I'm going to sit down, and finally have breakfast...

I just got out of bed a little while ago, and my sister messaged me. I'm on standby if my aunt needs a ride.

Edit: No news yet. My aunt waiting for them to call back. My sister had to head back home already because she has patients to see tomorrow, and couldn't stay longer. Don't know when my other sister is going to come back up again. Now mom's worried about my uncle and aunt.

Once again, the Universe seems to have everything happening all at once. I'm not even sure if everything has caught up to me yet; I've been so busy. I'm doing okay, though stressed.

EDIT 2:
Aaand throw in a big storm coming in on the day I was going to visit mom. Okay... that's—REALLY?!
*Sighs* Ooookay!! Superrrr. Faaantastic.

At least I like the rain. Not so much careening down the freeway junction in it...

O_____O ... Well... shit. This is not optimal.

I have so much I need to do, and it came out of nowhere. I better be able to move around by tomorrow!

God be praised! Mom is doing much better today. She had a bowel blockage that they were finally able to clear. She's eating again.

PTs and CNAs are finally coordinating. Therapists are instructing the nurses how and when to get her out of the bed, and that she should get the pain medication first so that she's not screaming in agony each time. They finally got their shit together, and mom was able to get in and out of bed without pain. She's doing good today, and is now napping.

Next time I go down to visit, I have to bring back all the gowns my sister bought her. She asked me to bring them last time, but now wants me to take them back. My sister bought her more hospital gowns than I have winter clothes... Then again, I don't have much in the way of winter wardrobe at the moment, but she bought so much stuff!

Anyways, I hope and pray with the new coordination between PT and CNA, mom can have an easier time focusing on recovery. This really should have been day one though.

I'm home again. Oh dear, I'm so happy for that confidence boost today because I sure needed it trying to navigate all this mad traffic on the roads today! Yikes! I don't do city driving, and it was a frenzy out there.

Didn't get to spend much time with mom before I had to turn around and head back home. She was in a lot of pain, but maybe slightly better spirits than when I last saw her. It was the first time my aunt heard mom scream in agony as they tried to move her. It really shocked her.

Half the stuff I was told to bring, I had to haul back home again, plus a bottle of Baley's methinks my sister tried to smuggle into the room for her.

Thought I'd leave home earlier since I got up before my alarm went off, but with all the extra stuff I had to do ("and bring this, and bring that" every time I tried to sit down and eat breakfast), I ended up heading out late. Such a short visit, ugh.

I'm sore now, and I need to sit for a bit. Tried taking out the garbage, but my alpha cat has been peeing so danged much, I couldn't lift the garbage bag with all the litter in it. Struggled to even drag it towards the trunk of my car, and just when I thought I might get it off the ground... the bag exploded. =__= Had to use the last garbage bag we have to get it all back into my trunk. Then I had to empty it into the trash can little by little until I could finally lift what was left out of my car.

I'mma rest now for a bit.

Mom called me this morning. They want to try and dress her today, so I need to bring some change of clothes with me when I see her today. She sounded okay on the phone, but said that she's doing not good today, and each day is getting worse. She was likely being stoic because my sister and aunt were in the room.

As for how I'm doing, last night I thought I might be numb, but that's certainly not the case. By the grace of God, I'm feeling... confident? It lasted through the night and into this morning. Dare I say I'm actually in a good mood. Weirdly so. Paranoia has me questioning if this is either a good or a bad sign, but I'm reminding myself to just shut up and be thankful for it. It makes everything else easier to manage.

Gotta run, so I'll leave this off here. Will update later as I get more info.

She's losing hope, and energy. Mom hasn't gone to the bathroom in six days, and isn't eating anymore. Physical therapy isn't doing well; she had a dizzy spell today. I don't know how much longer she has. Anything happens, and we lose the house too. I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm still praying to God, and we can use all the prayers we can get.

Thank you all.

She's thinking too much, and it's getting in her head. It hurts me more than anything to see her like this. I need to figure out how to get down there more often to see her. Got lost in the city on my way home today. I was too distracted, digesting everything that happened during my visit, that I ended up taking the wrong turn without thinking. I'm still not familiar enough with this part of the city to recognize anything well enough, and I couldn't tell if I was meant to take that turn or not.

Made it back home safely though. As I got back to the mountains, I followed the rainbow pointing back home.

My adopted sister should be arriving tomorrow. However, she doesn't talk with mom the same way my oldest sister and I do. She talks about petty things of no importance, and it's not as comforting. I was going to visit on Friday, but then the biggest rainstorm of the season was supposed to be happening that day, so I stayed home. Outside of a few sprinkles, it was simply a cloudy day. Had patches of blue sky too. I could have gone...

Ideally, I should go down and visit every other day, but I don't think I can handle that. Not to mention it's so far away, it's eating up gas like nothing. I'm going to see if I can do a Wednesday/Sunday or a Wednesday/Friday/Sunday schedule. Heaven help us—we can use all the prayers you can muster.

In short, I'm hanging in there as best I can, and putting my stress and worries in God's hands, but I am not doing all that great right now. I haven't had the time to sit and emotionally process everything that's happened.

I want to see mom and visit more often, but the agoraphobia, and the fact that the new facility is way out in the city in unfamiliar territory (I had to make 3 u-turns before I could find the place. The sign was hidden behind a tree, and I kept missing it,) takes a large toll on me. Even more so, hearing mom in agony when they try to move her—that hits me the hardest. I'm unaccustomed to being so busy, and I'll need to head back down to the city every couple days or so, until my older sisters can visit again and help me out.

They live so far away, and my father-in-law had already passed prior to mom's fall, so they have to go out to attend his funeral.

If the worst case scenario happens, I'll end up homeless, and have to stay at one of my sisters' places for a while, but I don't know how that's going to work with my three cats.

For tonight, I'm going to try and eat something, and not think for a bit. Hopefully I'll get some sleep tonight.

God be praised! Mom is doing better. She can rest comfortably, so long as they don't have to move her. Having a broken butt really hurts. I got to see her again (technically yesterday), and she's chatty and in good spirits. She keeps asking the staff for a margarita with her meals, lol. Realistically though, I don't know when I'll be able to take her back to the Mexican restaurant again. They just moved her to a different room shortly after I got back home. For some baffling reason, we still aren't able to register her under her name, and she remains listed as a Jane Doe. Like... seriously? It's been like, what? Three or four days now? We keep showing them her driver's license, how is she not properly in the system?!

Lots of questionable coordination. No chaplains were available (though they did send someone at some point, but it might have been the one my sister had tracked down across the street), food delivery was like... oh, you meant you wanted to eat dinner TONIGHT??

But overall, the nurses and doctors were really nice. I'm praying she can get to the point where she can stand without help, so we can bring her home instead of a rehab center.

Father mentioned her name during mass on Sunday, and when I got home, I found a message from one of her old church buddies (and the mom of one of my former classmates) who wanted to find out what happened, and wish us well.

As for me, I'm back to day shift again, and I've been super busy. Mom liked to keep busy, and would always insist on doing the household chores herself, despite my insistence to do them for her. Now it feels really weird doing them myself, with the house empty. Our youngest cat ("mom's" cat) has been taking her absence harder than my boys. She's clingier to me than usual.

Hopefully we can all get back to normal soon, or at least the new normal which hopefully has mom back here at home. Thank you for all the prayers, and keep 'em coming! We need all the help we can get.

They want to do another CT. Had another transfusion earlier today, and may get another one tonight. Possibly still bleeding somewhere.

Edit: She now has a fever of 100.5. Had a little to eat, but didn't want the rest. Not much else tonight. Sister heading back here for the night.

I spent the day cleaning up the house, and taking care of the cats. I'm very tired.

Not many updates on my end. They're taking more x-rays to see if she broke her leg too. With all the x-rays and CT scans they've been giving her, it's a wonder they haven't found everything wrong yet. She is resting now, and may be transferred to a regular room by tomorrow.

When I was with her yesterday, she was very loopy and combative from being knocked out for the procedure to stop the internal hemorrhaging. She said some pretty wild gibberish, like when she was ripping her neck brace off, she shouted "The president said I can take it off! The cats are going to bite you! Why are you staring at me? Open the winder and let some air in here. Today's wednesday, garbage removal, you need to take the garbage out. He's trying to pull the chart out from the hole, and arranging the rocks. Can't I just move my arms?! I just want to throw this over here, and that over there!" (*Starts flinging all the IVs and air hoses around*)

Mom is... surprisingly strong. o__o

I had something to eat today, and slept for a bit, but the phone rang and woke me up. Since then my stomach has been topsy turvy, and I felt sick. Doing okay-ish for now, but it feels really weird without mom here. Still sore from having to carry mom around yesterday. Never did get the chance to take that Tylenol yesterday.

-- Thank God, she didn't break her leg too, and she can finally eat and rest. Thank you for all the prayers! <3

Yesterday I tried sleeping in the car as much as I could, but it was like 38 degrees last night. Then in the wee hours of 4:30 am, if it wasn't the train making noise, it was the Olympic team of leaf blowers trumpeting incessantly for what seemed like hours. Didn't get home until I made the previous journal entry.


-Another update: no broken leg, so she can finally eat something and rest.

Now I just need to figure out... what to do. Feeling kinda lost at the moment.

Mom is in critical condition, and had to go to the trauma center and the ICU. She broke both sides of her pelvis and her tailbone, and is in terrible pain. They had to do a procedure to stop the internal bleeding. They were able to stop it, but she's in serious shape.

Haven't slept or eaten much of anything since yesterday afternoon. Will update later.

She's sore, but resting now. I'm exhausted, and I need help. Brother in law may be coming soon, but I don't know when. His dad just passed away the other day. While that was going on, my sister also fell down. Before that, both my aunt and uncle both fell down.

My arms are still shaking, and my back and my knee aren't doing too good. I don't know how long I can help mom in and out of the chair. Took nearly an hour just to get to and from the bathroom.

Been pretty busy. Got a couple decent pulls in Genshin, though for a while I had been getting only Sucrose like a dozen times.

Still suffering from the ulcer. It has taken twice as long to heal than what I had expected. For a while it looked like it was getting better, then got worse for a while, but now has improved again and I'm doing better than I was earlier. Not 100% over it, but it doesn't flare up as bad as it did during the same level of activity. It *should* be almost done soon. Hopefully it doesn't take much longer.

I had hoped to get out a few last drawings before the end of the year, but it doesn't look like I'll get to it by then. I'd like to, but I just don't have it in me anymore, and my creative hiatuses are always so long. Maybe things will change in the new year, and I can finally dust off that tablet (and see if it's still working...)

I hope all of you have a merry Christmas. ^__^

Hello Genshin Impact, my new friend, I got to play with you till 9 am... It seemed time was so briefly, but after nine hours I was sleepy... How many times... will it take to unlock this fancy girl? I don't know. In this world, of Genshin.


Bad singing aside, good golly, I thought I was prepared. I was not. How are these character designs so fancy?! My hand was starting to cramp from playing, and I wondered why my eyes were burning so soon, but little did I know it was already the next morning.

So far I've unlocked Amber, Noelle, Barbara, and two Sucrose. I'm still trying to figure out all the ins and outs of this game. I was taking my level 1 party in to fight level 19 monsters that made me feel like I was in Breath of the Wild (though I've never played it before either). I want to unlock Xilonen, the one with the rollerblades. Is she a limited time exclusive? I hope not; she looks cool.

Though I may struggle, it's good to be reminded. It's been helping me when I'm tired and weary.
https://youtu.be/AXMpedGgUbA

He went out a while ago, and hasn't come back. Usually when I call him, he shows up right around the corner, but this time there's no sign of him. His health has been a bit iffy lately, and I worry about him being out after dark.

==

UPDATE:

Found him! It was so dark, I could barely see him walking in front of me. Had to carry him (he was covered in so much dirt and stuff!) all the way back from halfway down the dirt road. Oof. Too much activity for one day with my ulcer. At least we made it back safely. <3 That's what matters.

This was unexpected. I had met Dragoneer way back when I was still in college, I think. We didn't talk much, nor were we close, but he was always here with FA. It's been a long time since we last talked, and I didn't even know he was sick. I wouldn't have thought he'd go before me. I pray God shows him mercy, and may he rest well.

Happy Independence Day to all, and to all—what the heck is a 'kilometer'?! XD

https://youtu.be/17Kszzcmfv4

Time for some tuneskies to brighten the mood.

It's been quite the doozy of a year, hasn't it?

As I've mentioned before, I've been working on strengthening my relationship with God. I still have a long ways to go, but I've made it further up that mountain than I've thought. One of the biggest hurdles that I still lack the wisdom to understand is the whole thing with the LGBT. Maybe I'll never understand it. Since Jesus gave up everything for our sake, it's only fair that I make some sacrifices too.

It's been really hard, but I want to do better. I'm not a Catholic because it would be easy. It takes a lot of active effort to break out of my old habits. I keep lapsing back into them, and I have to constantly remind myself to do better. I won't be doing any more adult art or writing—hence why my uploads have pretty much stopped. My strong libido is closely entwined with my creativity, and it keeps devolving into sex. It's been so frustrating trying to make something decent, but the horny constantly tries to pull me back in.

There are so many facets that I need to work on, but if I tried to tackle them all at once, I'd surely go bonkers. Baby steps. Need to get a good enough foothold before I attempt the next step. I have doubts about myself, and I'm not sure if I can truly make it to the top of this mountain on my own. It would be easier if I didn't have free will, but then would the sacrifice even be meaningful if I didn't have a choice?

I've been feeling a presence by my side a lot lately. I'm somewhat sensitive to energies, or whatever you may call them. Don't know if it's an angel; Jesus; or simply my imagination, but it has been a comforting presence. I don't feel so alone. I frequently ponder who or what it is, but I can gleam nothing beyond the sensation that someone is in my room with me.

For years, I've beaten myself up. I've mentally stabbed daggers through my heart, and relentlessly bludgeoned myself in my mind. It happened so often, it became a reflex, where I'd just do it for the sake of doing it. Several days ago I realized I haven't been doing it. The automatic reflex still vaguely persists, but there's no real fight left in it. I think it used to be a near daily thing for me, and I would have to actively restrain it. After I wholeheartedly embarked on this spiritual journey, that inner demon was gone and I didn't even notice right away. It wasn't until that old lingering muscle memory tried to kick in, and there was nothing left behind it, that I realized I had stopped fighting myself.

My family has always been rather lax with the Catholicism, save for my older sister who went into it really hard after getting married. I was never the one to go that gung-ho over religion, but maybe I was wrong, and there's really something there to which needs to be paid more attention. I don't know how far I'll make it up that mountain, but I need to try my best.

I imagine I may get some kind of backlash for this post—it comes with being a Catholic, but I'm not hating on anybody. This is my journey, and maybe it'll inspire someone else's spirituality too.

Much love to you all.