WEll... The love of my life is now gone... she died june 26th... tommorrow (july 13th) would've been our two year anniversery... I'm not going to be around a while... If you want to talk to me you'll have to email me... sailor_vegeta0112 at yahoo.com or ocdbrownie at gmail.com... Just remove the "at" and replace with "@"... i get enough spam as it is...

What is life...? Are we really here? If we are, then what are we? What purpose do we have here?

Whatever "life" is, it is so freaking complicated... Through all of the twists and turns, trials and tribulations, ups and downs... you would think that we'd have a break now and again... But we don't. Even on our "breaks", there is so much to deal with.

With me... with my gf... It seems that we never catch a break... Something is always coming up... And to be blamed for everything that comes up... That hurts. That bothers me... Neither of us asked for this... She didn't ask to get sick... I never asked to be banned from class... She never asked to have "friends" that bullshit and use her... I never asked to be thrown aside and told my thoughts don't count...

Sometimes... Sometimes things get too much to bear... There have been times that... I've wanted to go back to my habits... Shut everyone out, don't tell people what I think or how I feel, have a smoke everyday just to get away, a few drinks... to go back to my cutting habits and let everyone see a mask hiding what I really feel... Sometimes, I want to go back and let everyone think everything's ok... That I don't have a problem in the world...

There are moments, hours, days I wonder "Am I even real? Is this some kind of sick joke?" How do we not know if we're really just puppets in a game? That there is someone else pulling strings and watching us just to get a good laugh...?

I mean, there are things, creatures, people even, out there that we cannot see. But we know they're there, even if it's sometimes. so, what does that make us? What are we? Are we even "human"? Or just a figment of our own imaginations that is being played out day by day by agonizing day? For all we may know, we're just game pieces in someone elses chess set. And if that's the case, then there will come a time when we all will be eventually "checkmate"ed But... I guess, for now, we just learn to grin and bear it until that say comes... We'll just live out our so-called "lives" and continue with the day-by-day routines.

There will come a day, though, that one day we will learn who and what we truly are. And maybe, we'll find our own purpose and will be able to free ourselves from the "chess set" that we are placed upon. I'm hoping, for me and and my baby, that day will come soon... I feel it's drawing closer each day. Even so, though, I feel like life is spiraling further and further downwards and we're stuck in a drowning cess pool... But, I believe that's the price we pay for being who/what we are

We live in a world of false truths, false promises. And most of us will sit and believe the BS that come our way. That must be why... I dunno... I guess I think way too much at times... This must be one of those times. But are the thoughts even worth the energy to put into them...? Perhaps...Or perhaps not. It probably depends on who you are and what you want/need.

Right now... I would just like to have a security blanket... A thought I can trust or even believe about life itself. But at the moment, I can't get that, so I'm pretty much stuck in the moment and to deal with my own thoughts. That sucks at times, ya' know... But... Just another thing to learn to deal with. We have to learn to trust ourselves and continue to strive on. Battle the hardships and overcome the stress...

Dear god... so this is why I try not to think to much... Too much thinking will make you crazy... Then again, not enough will make you nuts too... Oh well. Just another trial to deal with. Just another move on the chess board of life. Stress, heartache, pain... It's all something we have to go through and deal with... And that's what we're here for...

1. Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?
Umm.... I think so....

2. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?
*grins* I love all of it

3. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
Umm... left I think.... yeah.

4. Pork, beef, or chicken?
CHICKEN!!! XD

5. Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke?
Yeah, I was sick as a dog...

6. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?
Noooo.... the only person I'm comfortable around without my cloths is my fiance'

7. Shower or bath?
Either. I prefer Showers tho. A nice deep hot bath would be nice tho.. ^^

8. Do you pee in the shower?
Ummm... heh... yeah..

9. Mexican or Chinese?
Chinese of course. ^^

10. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
I like both. My gf is both really. So am I. Just gotta convince her every now and again....

11. Do you love someone on your friend list?
I think so... as a friend...

12. Do you know all the people on your friends list?
Nope. I'd love to meet a few of them tho

13. Love or money?
Love of course. But money is always nice too. But you can't have both...

14. Credit cards or cash?
Umm... both... You can run out of cash easily if you're not careful but you can have fun with a credit card (if it's yours... not your mom's... course if its someone else's that you dearly hate....... *evil grin*

15. Has there ever been anyone in your family you wish wasn't?
Hell yeah

16. Would you rather go camping or to a 5-star hotel?
Hmm.. hard decision... I'd love both.

17. What is the weirdest place you have had sex?
Umm... the park... no.. at the train tracks.. or maybe my bedroom with the 'rents right there...

18. Would you shave your entire body (including your head) for money?
Prehaps.... how much you asking?

19. Have you ever been to a strip club?
nope

20. Ever been to a bar?
Does a club count???

21. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club?
Nope, never been that roudy...

22. Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere?
Umm... I pretty much crawled... They say I was going to beat everyone up because they tried to take my drink away... heh...

23. Kissed someone of the same sex?
Hell yeah. *grin*

24. Favorite drink?
Incredible Hulk. Course I like Pepsi too. lol

25. Had sex in a movie theater?
Nooo... lotsa flirting tho.

26. Had sex in a bathroom?
*grins* maybe...

27. Have you ever had sex at work?
No, but its been mentioned...

28. Have you ever been in an "adult" store?
yes

29. Bought something from an adult store?
yeap

30. Have you been caught having sex?
Does masterbating count....? by my mom...

31. Does anyone have naughty pics of you?
No not to my knowledge...

32. Who do you think has the guts to repost this?
I'm not sure....

Well... my gf believes shes pregnant. She thought I'd leave her like everyone else would've when she told me, but I didn't. I love her and would do anything for her. We plan on getting married. That's going to be tough I know since US isn't too accepting of homosexual marriages. I've had to do a essay/speech on that once...

How she got pregnant...? She cheated on me. One with a guy... I know him and i thought he wasn't such an asshole. She told me what had happened. She'd told me before that she'd cheated on me three times. Twice with the same girl. Once with a guy... I found out last night that it was right before we broke up... The day before... I'm upset about who she did it with... I mean... gah.. never mind.. but anyway.. We're going through a time right now.. She believes she's pregnant. And now she has a feeling that she's having another miscarriage and it's tearing her apart. She's blaming herself for it.. But she's done nothing that could've caused it to miscarry.. I'm doing my best to keep her calm and reassure her its not her fault.

She keeps asking me why I didn't leave her. She was scared I'd walk away and leave her for this. I told her that neither of us are perfect and I don't expect her to be. She's wonderful just the way she is and I wouldn't change her for the world.

She and her mom told me that I've taken better care of both of them then any of her exes have. I take care of her when she's sick. I sit and listen to her when she gets pissed off and starts ranting instead of getting up in her face with it. I cook for her. I take her where she needs to go when she doesn't have a way. And i hold her. She said that the only time she was held before was when they wanted something. I just like to hold her. I love her. And I'd do anything ANYthing for her. And I do want to have kids with her. She said she couldn't tell him because he'd take the baby away, which I know is true. I told her to talk to some of her guy friends and see if they would sign the birth certificate for the child. The only one that would possibly do it is a gay friend of hers.

I really want to be here for her through this. She's scared. And I haven't told her but I'm scared too. I don't want something to happen that I'll end up loosing her. I don't know what I'd do if I lost her... She has heart problems... I told her that if I had to I would carry our child for us. This was before i got the news btw.. She'd asked me who would if we did decide to have one together. I told her I would... I'm being honest when i say it, I have a better build for it and I don't have a heart condition.. I have what us southerners call "birthing hips".

Yes, I admit it. I've got big hips and thighs. Not only am I big boned, but I've got a bit of weight on me too. And its mostly in that area. Meg can't believe I'm the weight I say I am because I don't look it. And I know I don't.. My self esteem is getting much better then it was since we started going out. Its been 6 months January 13th. ^^ I'm big and I'm sexy. And I do love myself. Its been almost 4 months since I last cut. My smoking has gone down from 10 a day to about 5 or less a day. I'm not smoking as much pot either. Until last night I hadn't smoked it in about 2 1/2 wks. And I'm proud of myself. And She is too. ^^

Anyway.... I really don't know what to do except be here. And I told her i wish I could do something. But she said that I'm doing plenty by being here for her. That everyone else would've left her when she told them. I'm not everyone else. And I don't want to be. Shes my lover, my girlfriend, my best friend. I'm not leaving all that for something that I'd already forgiven her for. And I told her to not let one little innocent person ruin our relationship (while I had my hand on her stomach. She looked so cute blushing like she did). It can make it better. It'll be hard if she's not miscarrying. I mean we're both still in college. I'm going in web design and she's going to be a lawyer... so its going to be tough. But I'm positive we'll make it.

Ugh... I'm now taking my finals. joy... And to top it all off I'm sick as a dog. I hate cold weather... I've got four finals all together.. Half of my classes are labs, so yay... I've about to take a Server-Side exam. Then I have Web Development. Tomorrow is a Visual Basic test (I HATE that class...) And Monday is Operating Platforms (hate that one too..)

I'm staying with my gf atm. And she's sick too. Last night... she yelled at me.. *cries* I understand she's sick and cranky but still.. She hit me with my weak point.. my parents... and how I won't tell them off for my own good. They won't let me rest. I need sleep and I haven't been able to get any lately. That's part of the reason I'm sick... Anyway.. Whatever... I'm about to take this test. Wish me luck.

It has been a fucked up week for me since last monday. Me and my gf broke up. Three days ago I found out she cheated on me... THREE times. Twice with the same person who happens to be her ex. And yesterday we had another falling out about some shit... I've had my heart broke three times this week and I hate it. I fucking HATE it!!!!!!! *curls in a corner and cries*

Me and my gf are wanting to go to a sex shop and see about finding a few toys (strapons, mostly). I have one problem... I know nothing about size and what I can or can't handle. I've been looking online lately to familarize myself with a few things, but I;m still scared and don't know much in my opinion... I would really appreciate some advice.

My mom is being a major bitch. I went out with my friends and girlfriend last night. My dad didn't get me a curfew. Jus told me to have fun and stay out of trouble. About 12 rolled around and my mom called. She told me I was supposed to be home at 11. I got pisses off. Had to take my friends back to the dorms and I waited til the campus police showed up to let them in (yes, thats fucked up I know...). I got home about 1:30, cause I was so upset and needed Meg to hold me. Mom got pissed I was home so late. Told me next time I'm not home by 11 my curfew will be 10:30.. WHAT THE HOLY FUCK!?!?!?! *cries* I really need to get out of the house and find a place of my own. This ain't fucking working... I'm jus glad she hasn't found out about my new ear piercing yet. That would royally piss her off.... *sniffles*

Ok, guys. Here's whats going on. Me and my gf are very sexually involved. And I'm interested in trying anal. But I don't want to make her uncomfortable. She says she's up for it if I'm interested in trying it. I don't want to hurt her and want to make it as pleasurable as possible. Any help from my buds?

Welp, the labor day holiday is over and I'm offically happy/frustrated... Lets see.. it started with me and my gf and her friends supposed to be going to New Orleans... Well.. that didn't go over too well. Meg and her bff got into a BIG fight and now don't know if they'll be friends or not. Since Meg was upset, it got me upset. And since I had alcohol nearby... errr.. lets jus say I drank for the first time around her. THAT was on saturday night. One Sunday, we got invited to a good friend's 23rd b-day party (more alcohol). And seeing meg even more upset, me and her drank again and went completely EMO on everyone. lol They didn't know what to do with us. XD But I did get very spoiled in those two days. I got to sleep with my baby and was very lonely last night when I had to go home and sleep alone... I enjoyed spending time with Meg. But she had a point, if we lived together, we'd never get anything done. lol

Me and her both ended up confessing to one another. I love the girl. And I told her in my drunken stupor. I was too scared to admit it to her while sober. But I'm happy we've both got that off our chest now. It's... well, I'm not sure what the word is for it really.. T_T I'm still scared to tell my parents tho. But i'm gonna listen to my bro on that and not tell them. They'd make my life a living hell and/or kick me out. I have no where else to go and I do NOT want to intrude on Meg and her mom...

Anyway.. what ever. I don't plan on telling them unless they approach me with it. *shrug* Altho, i think they might be suspecting something.. I mean who "spends the night with their best friend" and comes home with hickeys..? lol

Second week back to school.. It STILL FUCKING S U C K S... Not only are my headaches getting worse, but I'm ending up with allergies too... The the having to drive, school, work, homework, then start the day over again is just stressing me out beyond belief. Here's how much it's stressing me out... I smoked about 4-6 cigarettes a day. In the two weeks I've started back to school, I'm smoking almost a whole damn pack a day to chill my nerves.. But lately, it's just getting worse. I told my friend if it gets any worse, I'm gonna end up returning to my old habits (i.e. cutting), as much as I don't want to.. but it always helped the stress for some reason.. T_T

I'm hoping to get to talk to my bro tho. I REALLY want to let out to someone. I wanna tell someone in my family about my girlfriend, and all the crap I'm putting up with. Someone I can trust. The only person I know of is my brother. I don't blame him for getting out of the house ASAP. I got fucking grounded for staying out too late, and I'm freakin 19! Good god... *sighs in exhaustion and curls in the corner*

I've started school again... And I'm completely DEPRESSED!!!!!!! OMG! I can't take this. I've started monday and I have to drive back and forth from school. I'm in class from about 8:00 until 3:30 EVERY FREAKIN D A Y!!!! With all my damn classes and having to get up at freakin 6 in the morning then driving a 30 - 40 min drive to school then driving BACK home and having to work along with my homework, I feel about D E A D!!! I would've preferred to stay in the dorms, but nooo... I have to fuckin drive back and forth... AND I have to pay $4.28 for lunch everyday. GODDAMNITALL!! By the time I'm done, I might as well STAY IN THE FUCKIN DORMS!!!!!!! I come home about 4 and fall asleep on the couch if I don't work and I get up about 8 then go to bed about 10, 10:30... It's driving me NUTS!!! I jus can't handle this. I'm completely exhausted and I come home with headaches every afternoon... I don't think I can handle this.... *sits in the corner and cries*

Ok, I have a problem.... I smoke. Yeah, so what..? But that's not the problem. The problem is my parents. They know I smoke, but they want me to quit. Here's another part of the problem. It's my stress relief and I'm thinking it's better then the alternative (cutting, which I used to do when I was stressed out). I want to know if there is anyway to hide the smell of ciggarette smoke so they won't notice it. Like.. any type of breath fresheners or body/fabric spray that would help..?

Wait.... I'm hearing weird things and want to get some answers... What's going on with FA??? Why are we gonna be migrating again????

I've decided that I'm giving up on Katie.. I'm tired of waiting. It's stressing me out. I mean, I know I care so much for the girl.. I think I might even.. love her.. but I can't keep holding on to something that won't give me an opportunity... I jus... I can't keep up this act anymore. I need to let go. And I need some help with HOW... I can't just shut off that part of my brain. It doesn't work that way... I'm feeling hopeless and lost. Damnit... And to make it worse, she doesn't like the fact that one of her friends (i.e. ME) and her bf don't get like each other. But, DAMNIT!!!! I can't fucking help it. I don't like her bf because I want her for myself... But I realize I can't have her, so I'm trying to move on and hope for someone else to fall into my life like she did. UNEXPECTEDLY... *sigh* Gawds... I seriously need a fuck buddy....

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!! I FINALLY got to go see TMNT! OMG!!! It WAS SOO awesome! Leo's voice took my breath away! But Raph... omg Raph... my heart went out the door when I saw him... And Mikey was SOO cute! Katie loved him the most. XD But Donny seemed awefully bitter... But I think he needed a little more camra time.. The poor dear.. *pats Donny* I loved the way they had Splinters character. But his voice kinda threw me off. He seems a little too.. young I guess... And his voice seemed to deep for our beloved rat. T_T course, that's jus me..

Anyway, I went with Katie and we had a great time. Got lost trying to find the theatre, too. XD Course, I'm a small town girl and used to just about everything being on one street.. T_T lol But I kept telling Katie that Raph was realizing his true feelings for Leo.. XD I'm such a fan girl.. lol

But.. omg.. I wanted to kiss her so bad.. To be honest, my attention was HALF focused on the movie.. The other on Katie.. I think I'm infatuated with her.. T_T *groans*

well.. guess what?? Katie now knows... well, ok. She's always known, to tell you the truth. She's jus never said anything... T_T But I didn't get the chance to TELL her. I let her use my computer and she read my journal... T_T I told her no at first, but then I told her she might as well. It'd be a confession on my part. u.u...

But I really dunno what to do... Gawd, I've been sooo depressed lately, it aint funny. I've returned to my bad habits and ended up having to give my knives to Katie. I told her to hide them from me... not that it helped, cause I use a razor instead... damn... I jus.. I dunno... I'm feeling so fucked up lately. I wish I knew what to do about it... And forget it. I aint seeing no damn shrink... X.X

ok well, lets get this outta the way. The girl who asked me out is no longer my gf. After thinking about for about two weeks, I decided that maybe it was best that we stick with friends and see if something more happens b/t us. We went to the park and made fun of some kids playing baseball. That was fun! lol then we went and got a milkshake and sat and talked for about an hour or so. then I got to talking a little about katie and said that my roommate believes that have a bit more then a crush on her...

well... I DO have a crush on katie.. I admmited it to meg. And she told me that I should tell her how I feel about it. And somehow... I'm scared... no.. terrified to tell her.. I'm thinking I might loose something precious and.. I dun wanna do that.

But I like how she flirts with me all the damn time.. and I LOVED the way she kissed me tuesday night... and I can't stop thinking about her.. And I go to her when I need to talk or I just wanna be loved on or love on someone. And she's soo straight forward and will tell you how it is straight up, whether you wanna hear it or not.. I and I like that.... And.. I jus.. I dunno.. I.. gawd I like her.. I really do.. And I'm worried about her getting in it too deep with that ass hole bf of hers... that's a LONG ass story right there..

but... I gotta know.. should I tell her..?

Damn.... we ALL got really fucked up last night.. And I can't help but wonder... do I regret anything that happened..? The answer is no, of course not. I enjoyed making out with Katie and then ending up in the same bed as Hope... But now.. a part of me is saying.. Why did you do it? Why did you let it go so far? Why did you TAKE it that far??? And I really don't know what to say to Hope now. We're good friends and all. But I can't just act like it didn't happen.. And it's just... I dunno.. maybe I should lay off the computer for a bit and get something for my queezy stomach and stop worrying so much.. 5 shots of Bacardi don't do me any justice.. XD

Edit
WTF??? Turns out the girl don't even remember a damn thing we did last night!!! *whimpers* I wish she did tho. Damn, I've got scratches and bruises over scratches and bruises in unmentionable place... T_T

Damn.. will you believe that last night was the first time I've ever been drunk??? I had like.. 4 Smirnofs and 3 shots of Captian Blacks Tattoo.. umm.. with out chasing them down either. XD Altho, the first smirnof and shot I had, I had before supper and kinda wore off after I ate. The thing is... I can remember EVERYTHING that happened... I was talking complete and udder nonsense and wouldn't shut up talking.. And I practically DROOLED over the guy I've had a crush on since fifth grade too. lol

Oh! And my suitemate (Katie) pretty much made me horny and left me whimpering after she got finished teething on my neck. XD And she wasn't drunk either. Then they took the rest of my smirnof away from me and said I didn't need anymore. I swear, I was STILL falling when I was crawling on the floor. They made me drink water. T_T lol

But I had a lot of fun. They had to practically tie me down in my room to keep me there so the other girls in the dorm wouldn't find out I was drunk. But after they left, I took a shower (shortest one I've EVER taken) then I walked downstairs past the dorm mom and outside. Surprisingly, I wasn't staggering around. The girls had no idea how I got downstairs without giving away the fact that I was drunk. XD And drunk or not, I walked a straight line for them. ^^

Anyway, now I'm just feeling tired. My head's not hurting and I'm not sick or anything. Just REALLY hungry. *shrug* Ahh, well. I had fun! lol We plan on drinking again next week too. We'll see how that turns out.

OMG!!! OMG! GUESSWHAT!!!! *glomps random person and happily jumps around some more* She ASKED ME OUT!!! OMG!! And we're going out this WEEKEND!!!!!!!! XD I'm SOOOO EXCITED!! YAY!!

Anyway, I'm working a little here and there on some art. Mostly TMNT.. I've got a couple sketches of Raph thats still a WIP and I've got the basic lineart of Leo in another. I'm wanting to try my hand at open canvas with that one, since I like it so much. And I'm also working on a coloring one of  shellforbrains' pics. I've got the lineart done on that in OC. I'm excited about getting it done too. ^^ Kinda like open canvas too... It saves layers. lol

Weelll... I have my computer back. Thats the good news. The bad news is, I've lost all my files cause the idiots deleted them all... T_T I'd sketched out a comic type thing on that.. So, I'm in the process of retreiveing my files, one of my stories I have got back cause it was in my email (which I'm surprised to have since half my emails got deleted too.. T_T)

Anyway, in other news... A friend told me that she liked me.. as in liked me liked me. And in a way, I kinda like her too. But the way I act half the time, I'm scared that I might end up hurting her without meaning to. And I really don't want to do that, but I wouldn't mind going out with her. I swear, my life just gets better and better... *sighs* Anyway, wish me luck.. on whatever direction I go with this. My friends encouage me to on with it, but I'm still unsure.

*dances* I CAN'T WAIT for the new TMNT movie!!! Me and my bff is going to see it this wkend and I can't wait!!!! *squeals* I SOOO can't wait to see it! The animation looks really awesome, from what I've seen of the trailors. And the movie itself looks like its gonna be good too.

OH!! And guess what???? There's this really cute guy I like here at school and I FINALLY got around and did what my friends call "ballsey" and wrote him a note to ask him out and left it on his truck. Gave him my phone number too. Why is this "ballsey", you might ask? Well.. for me, it's really hard to talk to other people I'm not around that often. I'm kinda shy til you get to know me. So asking someone out is something a little beyond my comfort zone. And I've been talking to my friends about wanting to ask him out for a while now (about two months or so). Well, anyway, he wasn't able to get ahold of me yesterday cause his soccer team had went off.. somewhere.. and he told me at lunch today that he'll definatly get in touch with me! *squeal* YAY!!! lol Anyways, I cant wait to see what happens. I'll try to let you guys know something. *crosses fingers* Lets hope for the best, shall we? ^^

Well.. we found out who took my and my friends' things. I was LITERALLY ready to KILL that bitch.. But anyway, we got our computers and stuff back and we turned them (yes, them. Both females, one who's NEVER been in my room) to the police. We're gonna let them handle it from there. But I still don't have my computer 'cause the Dean is keeping our things for evidence. So.. I'm still stuck without a computer. I've been sooooooo bored lately, I've resorted to pacing my room!! >.< Anyway, I just hope they get it good and I hope it won't be toooo long before we get our stuff back. *sighs*

If I'm not around, I've got a good excuse. My computer was stolen last night, so I can't really get on FA w/ the school computers (I mean, c'mon, I dun wanna get kicked out for furry porn.. T_T). I've turned it in and will check w/ dell to see if they can give me my serial number (I had it wrote down, but it was in the case my computer was in). And I'm gonna check with my parents to see if we have homeonwers insurance. The dorm mom said that they're supposed to cover at the dorms too, so we'll see.

And whats worse, one of my friend's had her computer stole in the same time period as mine (this is two different suites entirely). We weren't in our rooms, cause we'd run to the store, cause I'd left my phone in the dressing rooms. And in our rush, we forgot to lock the doors. So.. yeah.. we turned them in and all. I just hope they pop back up or something. SOMEthing good is bound to come outta this... T_T