Hey, new account is located at http://furaffinity.net/user/MartyDingo

and please don't fill the shoutbox with absurd accusations of me being cute :/

Well, i keep getting these comments on msn, and such, so, instead of just denying them, ill just point them here and tell them to call me cute here. Sounds a bit arrogant, i know, but it's better then me spending forever arguing one person. By the way, i don't think i'm cute, or anything.

Ain't it funny

Few days ago, i was saying how life sucked. One person makes all the difference, eh?
I not only patched things up, it got better. I'm more on love with jordan, and found out, that the love i have for him, is an affectionate love. My true love, is Muskie, and will always be.
Right now, i don't have one single worry, one single regret, one single problem. It's amazing, how much i've yearned for it, and it's here :3

Well, things were getting better, just gotten out of depression, and then, shit happens.

I'm writing this, on the bus, trying to stop tears flowing. I'll start from the start, so most people can understand.

About 6 weeks ago, i fell in love with a guy in america. He was everything to me, what i wanted, what i needed. Unfortunately, he had a mate, and still does. That didn't stop him from loving me, and thus, making me happy. He was there every step, at every breakdown, he even got me out of depression. The love grew to heights, where i didn't even know how much i loved him.

Then something happened, that i could see coming, but i shunned it, not wanting for it to be thought of. He left me. Over what i thought was trivial. I tried to help him, but it backfired, which led to a chain of events where him and his mate, were banned from a chat room he loved very much. The words we said, to each other, i couldn't believe. The, aggressiveness of the words, coming out of both my mouth, and his, just, geez, can't believe i said, and heard things like that. So, i've lost another person, another that i cared deeply for.

Out of the 5 that keep me going, 3 are left. I don't know what's real, right now. The love i had, i'm afraid. How easy it is to lose it. Everyone tries to reassure me, that, it won't happen with them, but, that's what the guy i fell in love with said. I'm afraid, of losing more people, and theres nothing, anyone, can do. I tend to hurt people, who i'm with. I've done it with every single relationship that's ended. And it will happen, sadly. I'm at a loss, not knowing what to do, where to go. Only time will tell, what will happen to me. Right now, i've sunken back down, into the depths of depression and life. And the person who brought me out of it, i lost...like i am.

Just a thing i'm gonna write for the only person who can keep me afloat, my mate, my love of my life, muskie.

Muskie, i love you. Don't ever leave me, i need you. I need you to hold me tight when I'm down, i need your shoulder to cry on, i need someone to guide me, show me, where to go, what to do... Be there for when i'm happy, let me share my happy experiences, let me snuggle into you when i'm cold, at night. I can't stand being without you as it is physically... Please, love me... show me that love...

In return, i will love you unconditionally, give you someone to talk to, a shoulder, and anything you want, i will try my best...

Well, long time since a journal update, and alot has happened.

Lifes been sucking lately. Had to leave my mate, cody, which was a long distance relationship, because his parent's didn't agree with it, because i was too old (i'm 17, and he was 14). They cut off all contact with him, not even letting me say goodbye...

Then theres school. I'm failing, i gotta get a shitload of work in tomorrow, r i fail. Not gonna make it at this rate.

Another thing, might be little, but i don't get how people could think i'm cute, and sexy, it just, baffles me.

Anyway, one really good thing happened, and that was Muskie asking to be his mate. I had feelings for him for a long time, but i didn't realise he felt the same. I now love with with all my love, and has been there for me through my depression, and always will be, i'll make sure of that :3

Love you, muskie.

Well, i'm feeling alot better now. I think i've got to repair it, i wasn't expecting to though, so it was a very pleasant surprise. Thanks to my partner-to-be, you guys for listening, close friends, and others who helped me.
I'm not good with speeches though, so i'll leave now,

Thanks Guys! Back to the drawing board ^^;;

Well, i'm typing down, breaking down over not just a loss of a friend, but over a loss of myself. I thought i should write a journal, see if it helps me a little.

It's a sad funny, seeing how one action can cause this massive domino effect. The chaos theory is really powerful. the flap of the butterfly (me posting a private chat log between me and a former-friend) has turned into a hurricane (a complete breakdown). The thing is, i have only known him for a week, and yet, i feel so strongly about it. The fact i don't know why i feel so strongly, makes me worse, i can't even sort myself out, its scaring me. Why is it affecting me this much? Why have i gone so emo, i hate emo, god damn. The complete destruction of trust, and the fact that i lost, not only a friend, and trust, but myself, has really taken a toll. But anyone else, i've felt bad, but not breaking down to the point where im in tears. Maybe its the compounding of love, tiredness, sick, personal history, and the tragic loss of a friend.

Sorry, to the former friend, if you read this. I really hope that we can repair this.

Thanks to my partner-to-be, and really close friends for the support, and being there. Typing this has helped quite a bit, i feel slightly better. I'll write another journal in the morning. Thanks for listening, guys.

Well, i know i'm a bit late with writing this, a friend reminded me.

Anyway, back on topic, i drew up a picture of a dingo standing. I heard good things about flash and inking, so i thought i would try. Had a look few a few tutorials, just to make sure i was doing it right. I finished inking it, and it looked disgraceful. I know its faster, but really, who sacrifices quality for time? i don't. Inking in flash, simply put by the same friend who reminded me, makes it look kiddy. It's better to do it in photoshop, it makes it look more professional. And i have to agree on that.

I don't know where people see the qualility in flash, compared to photoshop. The professional look of the ink tool, used correctly, looks tons better then the flash. In actual fact, it looks more professional, and i'm pretty sure professional rates more then kiddish. So tell me, what do you find good in flash?

So as i was drawing on some print paper, i thought to myself "this is crap, what the hell is wrong". Everything was out of proportion, and angle. Then it hit me. All the errors that made me screw up the paper, crunch it and throw it, was made on printer paper. As i flicked through my lined paper drawings, they looked 10 times better. So, i went back to lined paper tonight, ( 10pm here in australia) and alas, my drawings were 10 times better. Why? I have no idea. Maybe the lines help me proportion unconciously, i dunno. Tell me your experiences!