I just had an accident and dropped my computer..

Screen is half black with lines..

Just when i need it to keep me usy (and in contact with my boyfriend) whil in my hospital bed (i'll have surgery on Monday)...
Of course, i have absolutely not the funds to buy another or even fix this one..

I'm cursed....

My roomates did split up this WE.
I wasn't home and i won't be before 9pm tonight.
Dunno what the "mood" is home.
I actually learned it via our Star Wars club's forum! They didn't even "bothered" to inform me!

Well, she had it coming, by showing no respect whatsoever to my twin (the guy is born on the same day as i am, not the same year though). S
he kept jumping on all guys in conventions (and wondered why the girlfriends of those guys were casting her nasty looks), taking pictures hanging on their necks and then posting them on FB and boasting about how such and such guys wanted to shag her, she was even making a list of guys who wanted to "do" her (she even had an actor of SW sending her pics of his genitals!!)!
She spent countless hours on skype with unknown guys, refused any intercourse with her boyfriend for almost a year..
I suppose he got fed up with it, and i can 100% understand him.

Now i dunno on what it means about the co-renting of the apartment.. and honestly i fear the worst..

Next month is already gonna be a nightmare for me, as i'll be stuck home after my sirgery and will depend on the health insurance for living (55% of my salary only).. now if she leaves.. i'm doomed.. (in fact i would be happy if she'd leave, as she shows no more respect to me than to her boyfriend.. but i need someone to pay the half of the rent!)..

An example of her lack of respect towards me?
She says that "my cancer isn't that bad.. you don't die from it".. uh? hello? 25% of fatalities is not enough for you?.. (And all assorted stupidities..)

There, last Monday i had my last chemo.

Still the same side effects this week (horrible pain in my whole body)... but at least i can console myself by thinking this is the last time i have to endure that.

Now my next step is the surgery (21rst of May).

I'm worried though... i received 6 invoices from the hospital in one go and even if they're "only" 40 to 50 euros each.. when you get 6 of them.. *glups*
Another cause of worry is the fact that after the surgery i'll be FORCED to take a month off work.

Meaning that for a month, i'll only get 55% of my salary (that's the law here, if you're sick for more than 3 days in a row). That barely covers my rent.

So yeah, i'm relieved that chemo is over, but worried for the rest....

People keep telling me "oh, you're so brave" you're so courageous"...

The ugly truth is that i don't feel brave or anything, i just don't have choice..
If i don't go and endure all those treatments and the pain associated with it, i will DIE.
If i don't continue to work, i'll be homeless...

I have no choice.

I try to keep a brave face when seeing people, i joke, i laugh.. but at night, in my bedroom, i usually cry myself to sleep, most days..

Truth is i'm terrified and frightened, and exhausted.

My hormones are playing the yoyo...
My body's failing me
My brain is mush...

So stop telling me i'm brave.. i'm a coward in disguise...i pretend to be brave.. but im not.

We fixed my date of surgery yesterday.
It's gonna take place on the 21rst of May (2 days after my birthday).

My tumor shrank from 2cm to.. 9mm..

In only 3 chemos!


Up to the point that the surgeons had to have a carbon tracer (chinese ink really) injected in the tumor itself to color it and make it more visible, cause as she said "otherwisse i'll spend more time looking for it than actually removing it!"

But it definitely works!

4 chemos to go, still...


Take that, bitch!

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3184947/

thanks:)

I was explaining to my roomate that the injection i get to boost my white cells is really painful (it's an indtradermal and the produtc is cold)

She just blanly stared at me and said "You know, i'm probably the last person you should talk to about injection being painful. my twin sis and i were premature babies and for the first 4 months of our lives we stayed at the hospital, where we got all sorts of nasty treatments, even injections in our skulls! So you see, i know pain"..

I call bull on this one.. noone can remember something that happened when they were 4 MONTHS old!!!!

What you think???

When i took my last shower, i suddently realised that i can't feel the lump in my breast anymore...

I know that the chemo is supposed to make it shrink, and i'll have to have a mammo and an echo after my next shot, next Monday (i'll be halfway down chemo treatment by then and before they switch products, they wanna check how well the tumor reacted to the chemo)..

But.
i
can't
feel
the
lump
anymore!!!

*whooooohooo*

I don't go through all this suffering for nothing...

Cross fingers for me!!

I want to express here how much i really love you guys.
All of you.

People can diss furries, call them names and such, i just know that this fandom is filled with generous people, who don't hesitate to help even a complete stranger in need

I couldn't have made it this month without you.

I dunno how to thank you enough...

Thank you.

Thank you Korrok for being the angel who flew to my rescue and to the bidders...

I'm just speechless in front of such generosity....

Not as many bad effects as last week, oddly.. Taste still funny, inside of mouth all white, but no ulcers so far..

The main problem now is the immense fatigue and exhaustion i'm feeling constantly. Concentrating becomes hard.

I'm still working, as good as i can..
About which, i learned (thanks to the HR here) that the interim agency is apparently looking for a way to toss me out.
The company i work for is dealing with my disease, they WANT to keep me, but the interim (after all i'm their employee, they just "rent" me to my company) doesn't want to have to pay 2 days of sick leave every 2 weeks.. I became "too costy".

I have to look into a legal solution, as i do think firing someone for a serious disease is considered discrimination..

And i thought i was "saved"..

This WE, i'm going to the sea, and tonight, i'll shave my head, i look like a half-plucked chicken...
There is a national strike in Belgium on Monday, so i'll stay at my boyfriend's place one day more...:)
Need cuddles..

Today was my second shot of chemotherapy.

It all went well, if you except when they removed the stitches on my chest. That frakkin HURTED. The nurse even had to call on another one for help.
They said i was really brave (i didn't screamed).

The needle pain i didn't feel (used skin-numbing cream) nor the blood taking (she was nice enough to leave the needle in for the chemo.

Had to wait 3 hours for the results on the blood test (they try to see if the white cellss are high enough before giving you some more poison)..

Luckily this time i had my computer with me so i looked at some episodes of "once upon a time" while waiting and during chemo itself.

While the show was on i gently pulled on one string of hair... and i almost screamed when.. it got loose.

If i pull even so gently on my hair, they stay in my hand (i don't dare to brush them)....

I suppose i'll be bald before end of week...

Beside that, i was completely exhausted when home, so i crashed in my bed and slep.. 5 hours!

Going to bed shortly, i still feel a bit light-headed..

See ya peeps!

I have the feeling that last week lasted a month, at least, i dunno, it's weird, time seemed to stretch indefinitely.. I was at work for what seemed AGES..


.. i also feels like, as much as this week is concerned, we should be Friday already (and we're only Wednesday..?)

Not that i'm looking especially forward to next week.

On the 23rd, i have my second chemo session (it's once every two weeks, so my body has a week to "recover" between two sessions)..
This time, they'll have to stick a needle in me (they left it in for the first one, after implanting the portacath)... and seeing the size of the needle, that's not something i'm looking forward to...
And they'll remove the stitches from the portacath placement at the same time... so i can't use the numbing cream, as i have stitches there.....

*Brrr.. i hate needles!!*

As usual, i'll go there alone, i really can't ask someone to be bothered to stay with me for at least 3hours in a hospital...(i can't do anything, i'm hooked to a machine that is plugged in the wall! I can unplug it the time to go to toilet, but that's all)
Speaking of whch, going to toilet there is trying.. cause you have to go through corridors and all the rooms are open. In all the beds, you see those sick looking, bald and sunken people.. and you can only ask yourself.. "Will that be *ME* in a few months?"
It's like seeing your future.. and a not pleasant one at that...

I'll ask the nurse to take a pic of me during my treatment, so i will be able to show you my "new" hairdo - i cut them short, before they'll fall out..

That's all for today, i think.... :)

First, i want to thanks all the people who are kind enough to think about me and support me in these trying times...

I dunno how i'd hold on without you guys..
Love you.

Loads.

*and i stop now or i'll cry again*

Well, my health is so-so stable, lots of problems sleeping, and other really nasty side effects reared their ugly heads.

I can list:

- my skin hurts allover like i've a gigantic sunburn (except i'm not red at all)... i feel like i'm wrapped in rice paper that will crack if i move..

- my sense of taste and smell went bazooka, and therefore, i've lost 4 kilos in one week - food doesn't taste good at all, so i've to force myself to eat.
Potatoes taste like dirt, cumcumbers like acid, tomatoes like metal..the smell of fries makes me gag.. so far only bread and chocolate retains their original tastes.

- i'm exhausted permanently and have troubles concentrating (i start to do something, then stop in the middle going like "what was i doing?" feels like i'm having early Alzheimer - sooo frustrating)

- i have phantom pain in missing teeth (WTF?)

- i get some nasty dizzy spells, even when sitting at my desk

- the worse for the end: my tongue looks like someone used a cheese grater on it.. i have so many mouth ulcers that you can't see it's surface anymore.. and that frakkin HURTS (making eating even less agreable)

But i'm holding on.
It can only get worse...

Can't they "switch me off" for the next 4 months and wake me when chemo is over? Please?

The portacath placement was a nightmare.
I ended up having a anesthesist who had the bedside manners of a rhino.

She called my hyperventilation syndrome and panic attack "childish behaviour" and murdered the veins in my hand by prompting in and shuffling in a catheter, as she of course couldn't find any blood (during a panic attack, my veins shrink to the maximum)..
I litterally cried in pain but she just scoffed and shrugged....

They didn't give me any sedative before going to the surgery unit... it's the first time i've seens properly the inside of it. It's creepy and scary.
There she tortured me some more (by realising she put the wrong tube at the IV line and PRESSING as hard as she could on the vein in which the catheter was).
The other anetshesists realized my distress, finally and put me to sleep...thanks guy!

(i've been advised by my oncologist to file a complaint against that bitch, as apparently she's like that for years, and my doc even refuses to work with her, and needs patients testimony to have her kicked out)

Then yesterday i had my first chemo.

They had left the necessary tubes in my chest over the WE (i looked like a Borg), so they wouldn't have to prick in a freshly sewed wound, so all they did was hooking those tubes to an IV pump and here we went..
First anti nausea medicine (4 pouches) and then the chemo itself (2 different products).. the side effect of one of them is that it comes out of my body the same color as in: fluorescent orange!!

Then they gave me sandwiches, a soup, a coffee, vanilla pudding and i could go home.

So far, no noticeable side effects (no nausea) so far, beside the funky toilet water color.

If it always go that well.. that's gonna be paradise.. (my hair should only start falling after the second cure, i'm having them cut short next WE)
I doubt that i'll stay that good.. but, eh, one can hope!


I'll have to get my shots every 2 weeks, on Mondays, for 16 weeks.

Bring it on!!!

I'm officially starting my first chemo on Monday 9th. They will put the portacath on my on Friday 6th.

Then i'll have chemo once a week for 4 weeks, and we'll see how i hold on.

TBC :)

Now i have a bit more info on what is gonna happen.

On next Friday they're gonna implant a portacath (implanted catheter) under my skin.

On the 9th i have my final meeting with my oncologist before we start the chmotherapy. That will last 3 months.
After that, i'll have surgery to remove what's left of the tumor.
And finally, i'll end up the treatment with 3 months of radiotherapy.

So i'll be a mess for the next 6 months or so.

I'll lose my hair, so i'll have them cut short first (to lessen the "schock").

I hope all is gonna go well...

Ok, i didn't wanted to put that in public, but as it seems some "rumors" are spreading nevertheless, so here is the truth, plain and simple.

I've been diagnosed with breast cancer. "Mammary ductal carcinoma", to be precise.

I'll start chemotherapy on the 9th of January. Next week, i'll have plenty of tests to be run (cardiac function, liver echography, lung X ray, etc) to define which type of chemo my body is able to whitstand.

According to the oncologist:

Good points:

- tumor is small (2cm)
- no lynph nodes seems to be involved
- i have boobs big enough for it to be "quite unnoticeable" after the surgery (she actually said that!!!)

Bad points:

- it's an agressive form of cancer
- it's no sensitive to hormone treatment (hence the chemotherapy)

There, you know as much as i do about what i have.

I don't ask for pity. I don't need pity.
I'm determined on beating that bastard which almost killed my sister and my aunt already.

I'm just terrified to loose my job (i'm an interim here still, and "you don't bet on a sick horse").
I was planning to try to hide the truth, but i'll have difficulties explaining the sudden disparition of my hair, eyelashes and eyebrows!...
Without a job, i'm gonna have troubles paying my medical bills.. but eh, we'll see.. maybe i have "humane" bosses, for once?

6 months of love :)

*happy rat is happy*

I made my first batch of cupcakes ever.

Flavour is cinammon and speculoos, with a filling of crunchy speculoos paste and a icing of mascarpone and speculoos cream.

Everyone finds them delicious;)

A green alien life form decided to colonize and start a new civilisation in my lungs.

I have a fever, and i can't think straight..

I hate being sick!!!!

This http://bloganime.b.l.pic.centerblog.....t/cawp1v0g.jpg
is a PANDA

even this http://idata.over-blog.com/3/03/14/.....da-roux-02.jpg
is still a PANDA

BUT

this http://images.ados.fr/private/photo.....26279646f0.jpg

is a KOALA

repeat after me: KOALA ... KO A LA

Like this:
http://img155.imageshack.us/img155/.....1104238130.jpg

OK?

Now the next one who calls me a freakin' panda when i'm in Chai's suit, i'll kick him/her in the sensitive parts.

Capiche?

'nuff said.

vixenification is holding a raffle to win one of her toothless plushies!

Her Journal =====> http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2733532/ <=====

My boyfriend and me had a WTF? moment yesterday..

We were queing up at the butcher's

I was standing behind him, hugging him, chatting with him and sometimes kissing his back/neck.

The woman after me in the queue tapped on my shoulder and asked me:
"Are you two together? Is it my turn now to be served?"

WTF??

I was about to answer: "No, we're not together, i just like to hug and kiss random strangers in queuesin shops"...

LOL

I'm starting on the 5th of september on a secretary job for an european association.

1500 net a month.. that's gonna feel GOOD!!!!