I've got a new account! COme watch me at : Blazewing2010:

Hey all. Just letting all my watchers know that I'm moving to Blazewing 2010 as it more accurately reflects my new fursona. I will no longer be using this account. If you would like to watch me there, feel free, if not, don't worry about it. I've trimmed down my watch list. If you watch me, I will watch you back as it means you are actually taking an interest in me. If you don't I will not feel put out, I promise.

I felt that it was time to update and move on from the past, so happy hunting!

-Gina

Hopefully coming soon will be the opening of another story I'm working on. Yes, it's TG related, as I write about what I know, and I'm not sure if it'll ever be finished, but I find writing helps me concentrate, so yeah. Keep an eye open.

I see Simonne tomorrow. She's my therapist. Last month she told me that 39 other names on top of my own are headed off to the Albertan Government to decide who's getting the final permanent tuck. I have some issues this month i need to talk with her about, but I'm also quite nervous about what I'm going to hear back in a few months regarding surgery. I've worked so hard here to become who I am and I'm not sure how it will affect me if I'm turned down. I ask you all to keep me in your thoughts over the next few months in hopes that I get this.

I'm looking to skype! WHo's in?

I'm looking for a book called Nadia.

A friend of mine gave it to me as a gift a while back and due to several moves I have lost this novel. It's set in the old west with a family going across the great expanse and wild of unsettled America. The father passes away and the girl runs into a werewolf and a romance ensues. They arrive in civilization once again and Nadia takes her leave

I'm not sure who the author or publisher is or where it's printed.

I need help!

What's new?
Hmm..
That in itself is a question that spans a few months.

For one, I no longer live in Halifax Nova Scotia, but alot of you probably knew that. I have been in Edmonton Alberta since October 1st 2009. I now work for the Real Canadian SuperStore full time with a possible other job on the horizon that pays better.

I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I've fucked up on several occasions with both friends and family. I'm working through this with my therapist and Dr Warneke. I've done and said some pretty nasty things and I've hurt alot of people. For this, I am truly sorry.

I don't know why, but everyone seems to see alot of potential with me, and I'm starting to believe it myself. I'm starting to see that I can do better with every passing day and I think I'm finally starting to strive for the betterness of myself. Since I've come to Edmonton, I've been alot happier than I was in NS and I've been told I've made alot of improvements in my life that people didn't think I could make. Thanks to all of those that did believe in me.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this.

Dr Warneke has told me that I am to go in to have my second letter on November 18th and that my one year officially ends on December 17. I need to get cracking and start making definite plans for surgery as I'm fast coming up on a time where I'm going to need those plans to further myself. I'm making a budget in order to help pay for my surgery incase I don't get the funding here in Alberta. My name and about 40 others were sent in on July 14 for possible phase out funding here.

I copied and pasted this directly from  Airguitar's journal!

....Not from me, but from an awesome artist,  angelaito angelaito

Currently there are 3 days left in her auction here on FA for an Art Bundle which includes 2 chibi drawings, 2 icons & a character pin-up (G-Adult!)! WOW!

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3452629/

The money will go towards helping her pay off some bills & get a place to live so she can be with her boyfriend  terrai terrai To top it off they also have a baby on the way! So all of the money is going to a good cause :) I've met these people IRL & I have to say they are very honest & friendly people!

ALSO. just to show their thanks  angelaito angelaito is offering people the chance to be put in a raffle for FREE art! All you have to do is help her advertise this auction :)

Auction:
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3452629/

Raffle:
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/1229011/

Help a freind out in desperate need.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/1195673/

I have come to find out that a certain Yolfen or Wolfen, or what ever the hell he is calling himself these days, has taken it upon himself to air out my dirty laundry and tell people my birth name.

Both of these I have tried hard to keep under wraps, as I'm building myself up and away from them. I have tried hard to change who I am, and do not like having these thrown back in my face simply because someone hates my guts. This is something that could destroy all I have worked for. I'm sick of this. It doesn't matter what I do, my past always comes back to haunt me. And it's not even my past. It's his!

I do not appreciate this, I'm scared shitless and I have to find a way to deal with this. I have a couple of friends looking into laws regarding protection of personal information here in Alberta. Something is seriously wrong with this boy. He may be blind, and disabled, but this gives him NO RIGHT to casually tell people what he has been.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a couple of dreams last night.

Dream One:
I drempt I'd moved to Thailand, and was going under for surgery. I handed him my consent forms, I hopped up on the bed. He asked me if I was ready and I said I was scared shitless. I laid back on the pillow and promptly woke up

Dream Two:
I went to Thailand for Vacation. I ended up deciding to move there. I was met by and old friend and she showed me the country side and told me about how war torn it was. I hopped in the back of a jeep that would take me to an army compound.
But the 3 hour trek was perilous. The road was laced with mines every few feet and along the way I saw blown apart wild life and jeeps along with men and women who didn't escape the mines. But i made it safely to the compound where they asked me for all of my belongingsandgave me new ones
Then I woke up

I'm not sure what these mean, but if anyone has any idea, please let me know. I'd be most interested to find out.

I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted.
I'm sorry I am such a disappointment.
I'm sorry that you cannot see me happier now than I ever was.
I'm sorry that I've learned to cope and adapt.
I'm sorry I had to fix my problem.

I'm sorry you dont understand.
I'm sorry you think I'm making a mistake
I'm sorry I wanted to be happy
I'm sorry I was on the verge of suicide
I'm sorry you cannot use my chosen name

Most of all, I'm sorry I've grown past who I used to be

You told me once you believed I'd go on to do great and wonderful things. Look at me, is this not great and wonderful? I've figurd out wha no doctor could. I've dealt with the issue at hand and I've begun to grow because of the way I'm handling it. Life is a learning experience and we are all given our own set of challenges. Mine was being born a boy. I never felt like a boy and now I know why. Now I can seek help. I hope some day you understand this. It hurst when you use my birth name. It feels o me like you don respect me enough to actually acknowledge who I am. It cuts deep and I spend nights crying over it in my room mates arm. The people around me all deny that I ever could have been a boy and cannot fo the life of them see me as such. I feel like I fit in for once. it is not a "sin" to want to be happy. I try to live my life by rules that were set for me, but it's not easy. Especially when you do something "foolish" like crossing the gender barriers in order to show who you are. Most people, and you dont know this, before I started my journey, thought I was extremely gay. I don't know how else to explain it other than I feel alive. Please dont despise or hate me for who I;m becoming, because I'm becoming something prettier and more amazing than you could have ever imagined. I -am- moving on to do great and wonderful things and I am helping to change the world, one day at a time. This is my legacy. I'm becoming me, and I'm a better person for it.



My Aunt went in for surgery for breast cancer yesterday. The found one lump in one node, and removed it. The prognosis is for a full recovery. I called my mother last night to find out what was going on and my stepfather answered.

"Hello?"

"Hi!. What have you heard about Aunt Marilyn?"

"Who is this?"

"It’s Gina."

"Oh, hi Richard."

The conversation went on for a couple of minutes and I hung up. They’ve had 5 years to adjust at this point. That’s half a decade. I know it’s hard for parents to accept their children, but they do this blatently. I don’t know if they know how much it hurts, but I’ve tried to explain to them what this means to me. I don’t understand why parents who claim to love unconditionally would hurt their own child like this. They dont realize, or maybe they do and dont do anything about it, how much this stings. I am not Richard any longer. I never will be him again. Five years is a long time to grieve for a child that’s been dead at least that long.

I’m more alive now than I ever was as him. For all intents and purposes, he was dead at thirteen when I realized I was a girl. Their refusing to use my chosen name means they dont respect me and probably never will. I’m feeling frustrated and angry, and I curled up in my room mates arms last night and I cried. Chame was also here and helped to comfort me. I just....I dont understand....I want to tell her exactly how she makes me feel. She doesn’t even feel like my mother anymore. Just some woman I know. I don’t know how to deal with this. Should I shove it in the back of my mind or should I tell her point blank?

So after 4.5 hours of sleep and being up a the much illegal time of 6am, I got in to see Dr Werneke today. I'm kind of disappointed. He's one of the best in the country, but somehow I was expecting this appointment to be a little more than it was. All we did was talk about my life history and he gave me a carry letter. I don't know if he sees me as a girl or not, but they did use female pronouns, which was nice. he receptionist was friendly, albiet a little too sterile with her attitude.

I find myself really depressed after this appointment and feelings of self-mutilation are quite strong. I can't wait to have the thing gone but every time I think about surgery, I realize it's light years in the future and never actually going to get here. I'm sick of waiting, especially when this should have all been dealt with 2 years ago (I'll kill you, kevan.).

Must kep my head up and look on the bright side of things. I'm trying, dammit, but sometimes that just isn't happening. Be patient, people say. Yeah, me? Patient? That'll happen right quick.

Where is the magic? Where is the happy? WHERE'S MY SEX LIFE??????

So after 4.5 hours of sleep and being up a the much illegal time of 6am, I got in to see Dr Werneke today. I'm kind of disappointed. He's one of the best in the country, but somehow I was expecting this appointment to be a little more than it was. All we did was talk about my life history and he gave me a carry letter. I don't know if he sees me as a girl or not, but they did use female pronouns, which was nice. he receptionist was friendly, albiet a little too sterile with her attitude.

I find myself really depressed after this appointment and feelings of self-mutilation are quite strong. I can't wait to have the thing gone but every time I think about surgery, I realize it's light years in the future and never actually going to get here. I'm sick of waiting, especially when this should have all been dealt with 2 years ago (I'll kill you, kevan.).

Must kep my head up and look on the bright side of things. I'm trying, dammit, but sometimes that just isn't happening. Be patient, people say. Yeah, me? Patient? That'll happen right quick.

Where is the magic? Where is the happy? WHERE'S MY SEX LIFE??????

So after 4.5 hours of sleep and being up a the much illegal time of 6am, I got in to see Dr Werneke today. I'm kind of disappointed. He's one of the best in the country, but somehow I was expecting this appointment to be a little more than it was. All we did was talk about my life history and he gave me a carry letter. I don't know if he sees me as a girl or not, but they did use female pronouns, which was nice. he receptionist was friendly, albiet a little too sterile with her attitude.

I find myself really depressed after this appointment and feelings of self-mutilation are quite strong. I can't wait to have the thing gone but every time I think about surgery, I realize it's light years in the future and never actually going to get here. I'm sick of waiting, especially when this should have all been dealt with 2 years ago (I'll kill you, kevan.).

Must kep my head up and look on the bright side of things. I'm trying, dammit, but sometimes that just isn't happening. Be patient, people say. Yeah, me? Patient? That'll happen right quick.

Where is the magic? Where is the happy? WHERE'S MY SEX LIFE??????

So, the time is fast approaching when I need to consider doing some fundraising ideas to help my surgery fund for GRS. I am looking for any and all fundraising ideas you may have.

My goal is $20,000 to $30,000 in order to be able to obtain surgery and have living expenses after during heal time.

Thankyou for your time.

I need help from an artist friend for something I'm trying to do. please send me a note if you'd like to know what I'm doing and how you can help.

About a month ago, I sent a coming out letter off to one of my Aunts, and I wasn't sure what to expect. Today I received a response.

Dear Gina

It seems so strange to call you Gina....Since the day you were born, you have been our "Little Richard." It will take me some time to get used to your new name, so forgive me if I slip and call you Richard...It's just that old habits are hard to break. I only want what's best for you, and if this is what you feel you must do, I support you 100%. Just be sure to take advantage of all the counseling that is available. I admit I do not know much about Gender Dysphoria, but I do know you have the right to be happy. Know that i love you and only want what is best for you.

I am so sorry your mother has not seen fit to support you. I think she has been brain-washed by some bible-thumping minister who unfortunately thinks the bible can only be interpreted one way. I feel the bible is a guideline to live life by. It cannot be taken literal. I believe in God, the Life here-after, and that each and every one of us will atone for our sins at the Pearly Gates. I don't believe you have to sit in the front pew each and every Sunday morning to be a good person. I think that you can talk to God anywhere and any time. He will always listen to and answer our prayers....just sometimes not the answer we want.

I am so glad that you have to support of Rachel and Zack, your father of course, and your biggest fan, Aunt Marilyn. How could you go wrong with these people in your corner?

Aunt Marilyn says you plan to move to Toronto fairly soon. it's a big city with alot of nuts. Please be very careful. I hope to see you before you go. Please keep in touch

(Email and phone number included)

With much love, Aunt Lillian.

*I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

*I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.

*I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

*I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

*We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

*I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

*I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

*I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

*I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

*We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

*I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

*I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

*I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

*I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

*I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

*I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

*I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

*I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me.

*I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

*I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

Re-post this if you believe homophobia/transphobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it.

Hmmm. It’s been a while since my last update. Let me go over what’s been up.

My support in Toronto fell through so I’m headed to Alberta. Edmonton imparticular. I have the support of the trans community out there and now I have a room for about $500/month all inclusive including phone, cable and internet. It’s about a 30 min walk from West Edmonton Mall and all I need now is a job. I will be flying to Toronto and then bussing from there.

The old man at work I was having issues with a few months back over a comment outed me to a new girl yesterday. I literally growled at him and he told the store manager it was "unintentional" after he was talked to, but I think he knows he seriously crossed a line. The girl he outed me to thought I was a natal woman (born a woman), and I had to talk to her about it.

I had my last "Transformers" support group at the Youth Project this week. I’m kind of sad about that. It seems that just as I’m getting ready to leave, I make all sorts of new friends.

I think that’s pretty much it for now. If anyone would like to hang out before I leave on the 30th, please let me know. If you need my number to schedule a time, let me know by replying to this and I’ll send you a message with it.

I find me questioning myself as of late. I'm still being haunted by Richard at every turn. I'm dealing with stuff that he left me with. People see me a certain way because of his attitudes and outlook on things. I have broken down a lot of walls that he put up but people still apparently see me doing the same things. I wonder if I'm meant to cut all ties and start anew.

I also find myself questioning the values of family. What does family mean? What does it mean to me? What does it mean to others? Big brother and I had our last conversation as family last night. We have agreed space is needed between us and it all starts back because of actions Richard may have taken that I am not proud of. Richard left me with feelings of jealousy when someone gets something that I want but cannot yet have. People still see me as him, and it's extremely aggrovating. Despite my attempts to distance myself from what he was, I am apparently still amazingly like him. Was he so bad that no one can stand to be around me with out seeing him?

I find myself devoid of all emotion this morning and even the sun, which is shining bright offers no warmth as I look into the coldness that is myself. I will get over things, but they will take time.

Everything I am, every thing I've become seems to tumble down around me, but it is only a figment of my imagination as usual. I ended up having a panic attack last night and Leslea, a woman who is on one of my mailing lists called me last night. She helped me calm down to the point where I could sleep. She calls me every now and then to check in on me, and when I asked her what she saw in me, she said a scared thirteen or fourteen year old girl. She said it was normal to have these feelings and I was coming along normally.

I think when I get to TO, I'm going to get involved with the LGBT crowd and see what they have to offer. Maybe Ill work at a club or something.

A - Age: 24

B - Bed size: Double

C - Chore you hate: Cleaning out the fridge

D - Dog's name: I don't have one.

E - Essential "Start Your Day" item: Estrogen, T-blockers, Hair Brush and a glass of water

F - Favorite color(s): Pink, Purple, Blue, Black

G - Gold or Silver: Gold

H - Height: 6'3"

I - Instruments you play: Deos the computer keyboard count?

J - Job title: I'm a cashier for wendys, but only for the next 55 days

K - Kids: Undecided

L - Liquor, Beer or Wine: Wine

M - Mom's name: Spectra

N - Nicknames: Raven, Gina, wuffcoon

O - Outie or Innie: Innie

P - Pet Peeve: Complete idiots

Q - Quote from a movie: "Can I take this? I do so love knittingh patterns!"

R - Right or left handed: Right

S - Sibling(s): Step Brother (older)

T- Time to get up: When the alarm goes off signalling I have to get ready for work *grumble*

U - Underwear: Cotton

V - Vegetable/fruit you dislike: Broccoli

W - What makes you run late: Usually a bad mood

X - X-rays you've had: Skull, teeth

Y - Yummy food you make: TV dinners

Z - Zoo favorite: Wolf (DUH!)