FA+
Shop
The time I nearly died and the fight for my life.
General | Posted 4 years agoJust ghosting everyone off of the map is never acceptable. I've been absent a very long time. I should have made this post a LONG time ago and I can’t begin to apologize enough. I should have left people know what was really going on. Let’s take a trip back in time and let me explain things from the beginning.
In 2016 I was hospitalized with a “heart episode”. After a week of tests and a lot of heart ache for my family they finally figured out what was wrong with me. Renal Failure (aka Kidney Failure). My kidneys were starting to go and I was actually, unknowingly on my deathbed. My blood was literal mud in my veins, poisoning me more and more everyday. I was rushed off for emergency dialysis and after a week started to slowly recover.
I had a rare condition that made my immune system attack my kidneys as if they were foreign matter. This illness relentlessly, slowly ate away at my kidney function silently for years, unbeknownst to me.
Three weeks in the hospital and a blood transfusion later I was well enough to go home. I was alive but…drained. In just about every way a person could be, emotionally, physically- and maybe even spiritually.
I continued to receive treatment on Hemodialysis for another 6 months. This is not a hell I would wish on my worst enemy. I was strapped to a chair for 4 to 5 hours while a machine sucked all my blood out of my body, basically ran it through a washing machine to remove toxins still building up in my blood from a lack of kidney function. I did this three days a week and it left me so exhausted some days I could barely get out of bed.
I did however have something to look forward to Peritoneal dialysis. Once I was well enough- I could pursue a different treatment at home which was also a lot gentler on my system and left me with considerably more energy.
Peritoneal Dialysis was a life changer for me. It allowed me to undergo my treatment overnight and allowed me to return to a closer to normal life. I was even able to return to work, be it modified because of my illness still leaving me with as much stamina as I used to have. It made me almost turn away from my art minus an occasional drawing or two-but the passion just wasn’t there. My ‘spark’ had gone out.
With Covid hitting early 2020 I was forced to take a leave of absence from work. My immune system was already messed up and my treatment just complicated things. It ended up being the best thing that could have ever possibly happened to me. Being forced to stay home allowed me to further improve my condition to the point I was in the perfect shape for the one thing I so desperately needed-the one thing that could truly change my life forever, a Kidney Transplant.
Later that year, I got the call- they found a match for me. 4+ agonizing years and I had hope. I had a chance at a normal life. I cried after hanging up from my transplant team harder than I ever had in my entire life.
That was a year ago. A year with my new transplant and I feel alive again. I didn’t know just how tired and sick I felt until it was gone. I just brushed it off as the fatigue of being on me feet for 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week walking on concrete and carting around a lot of books.
There were so many times I wanted to just stop treatment, give up on myself-take the cowards way out. I was too stubborn for that-I had too much left I wanted to do. I had to keep fighting.
If you ever feel like you’re completely done. If you feel like you want to give up-just remember there is someone that will always fight for you-yourself. Hold onto that and never give up and never give in. Life will test you in ways you can’t imagine-it’s up to you to overcome it.
In 2016 I was hospitalized with a “heart episode”. After a week of tests and a lot of heart ache for my family they finally figured out what was wrong with me. Renal Failure (aka Kidney Failure). My kidneys were starting to go and I was actually, unknowingly on my deathbed. My blood was literal mud in my veins, poisoning me more and more everyday. I was rushed off for emergency dialysis and after a week started to slowly recover.
I had a rare condition that made my immune system attack my kidneys as if they were foreign matter. This illness relentlessly, slowly ate away at my kidney function silently for years, unbeknownst to me.
Three weeks in the hospital and a blood transfusion later I was well enough to go home. I was alive but…drained. In just about every way a person could be, emotionally, physically- and maybe even spiritually.
I continued to receive treatment on Hemodialysis for another 6 months. This is not a hell I would wish on my worst enemy. I was strapped to a chair for 4 to 5 hours while a machine sucked all my blood out of my body, basically ran it through a washing machine to remove toxins still building up in my blood from a lack of kidney function. I did this three days a week and it left me so exhausted some days I could barely get out of bed.
I did however have something to look forward to Peritoneal dialysis. Once I was well enough- I could pursue a different treatment at home which was also a lot gentler on my system and left me with considerably more energy.
Peritoneal Dialysis was a life changer for me. It allowed me to undergo my treatment overnight and allowed me to return to a closer to normal life. I was even able to return to work, be it modified because of my illness still leaving me with as much stamina as I used to have. It made me almost turn away from my art minus an occasional drawing or two-but the passion just wasn’t there. My ‘spark’ had gone out.
With Covid hitting early 2020 I was forced to take a leave of absence from work. My immune system was already messed up and my treatment just complicated things. It ended up being the best thing that could have ever possibly happened to me. Being forced to stay home allowed me to further improve my condition to the point I was in the perfect shape for the one thing I so desperately needed-the one thing that could truly change my life forever, a Kidney Transplant.
Later that year, I got the call- they found a match for me. 4+ agonizing years and I had hope. I had a chance at a normal life. I cried after hanging up from my transplant team harder than I ever had in my entire life.
That was a year ago. A year with my new transplant and I feel alive again. I didn’t know just how tired and sick I felt until it was gone. I just brushed it off as the fatigue of being on me feet for 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week walking on concrete and carting around a lot of books.
There were so many times I wanted to just stop treatment, give up on myself-take the cowards way out. I was too stubborn for that-I had too much left I wanted to do. I had to keep fighting.
If you ever feel like you’re completely done. If you feel like you want to give up-just remember there is someone that will always fight for you-yourself. Hold onto that and never give up and never give in. Life will test you in ways you can’t imagine-it’s up to you to overcome it.
New Pc, New Year
General | Posted 12 years agoGod last year was such utter crap I don’t even want to think about it. Start of the year I lost my best friend-may she rest in peace and in December my car was totaled and I was laid off in the same week. Here’s to hoping this year is a million times better. I am ready for a much needed break.
Just a small shout out to everyone that helped me through last year-one person in particular, whom will remain nameless, I would have been broken far more than I was without you. Broken-but not beaten. I am to stubborn to ever truly given up fighting for something, even if it as simple as just getting up in the morning because you are that emotionally drained.
I finally got a new Pc which is *exactly* what I wanted for about 5 years now-it’s so nice to have a desktop again. Now I might be able to focus on artwork I want to make and get out of this year long depression rut.
To all my friends and watchers- thank you for sticking around with my absence. I needed time for me and had to step away but I think enough is enough and it’s about time I started being me again.
Just a small shout out to everyone that helped me through last year-one person in particular, whom will remain nameless, I would have been broken far more than I was without you. Broken-but not beaten. I am to stubborn to ever truly given up fighting for something, even if it as simple as just getting up in the morning because you are that emotionally drained.
I finally got a new Pc which is *exactly* what I wanted for about 5 years now-it’s so nice to have a desktop again. Now I might be able to focus on artwork I want to make and get out of this year long depression rut.
To all my friends and watchers- thank you for sticking around with my absence. I needed time for me and had to step away but I think enough is enough and it’s about time I started being me again.
I AM Alive XD
General | Posted 12 years agoI honestly haven't been in much of an art mood as of late. Depression and looking for work can really take a toll on a person. I think I am finally getting back on my feet-it's desperately needed. New job starting soon-hopefully that can pay those pesky student loans and I can save up for some new hardware.
I haven't felt like doing much artwork (or anything that creative) since I lost my cat Sassy, now some 8-9 months ago. Loosing your best Furry friend can be so hard-more so when it's the Furry Friend that would make you feel better when something was wrong. Having really no one there to make me feel better after loosing her-hurt more than I wanted to admit to myself.
I think I am going to focus on some old school traditional media work-my computer and tablet just aren't adequate enough for the size of artwork I really like doing. I literately just can't fit enough on this screen I am working on now.
I haven't felt like doing much artwork (or anything that creative) since I lost my cat Sassy, now some 8-9 months ago. Loosing your best Furry friend can be so hard-more so when it's the Furry Friend that would make you feel better when something was wrong. Having really no one there to make me feel better after loosing her-hurt more than I wanted to admit to myself.
I think I am going to focus on some old school traditional media work-my computer and tablet just aren't adequate enough for the size of artwork I really like doing. I literately just can't fit enough on this screen I am working on now.
Website + Artwork
General | Posted 14 years agoMy lack of updates/ artwork as of late comes mainly because I've been working on getting my .com up to speed. You can now see some of my photography and info content (artist statement, etc). I am still weeding through some of my undergrad work, trying to figure out just what I want to add to the gallery.
I've also fallen into a rough patch and a lack of creativity, yet oddly video games are helping, somewhat. I'm starting to get inspired again. I think my brain just needed a reset and a kick in the butt.
I'm also starting to make my own Latex pawpads for fursuits. I'm putting the finishing touches on getting the latex to sit right, etc but should have some images up soon. I've been having some problems with the latex, given its just not setting ( I had to let it set for over a week and a half, which shouldn't happen for it to set right.) Molds turned our great though, but I think enough air is not getting into the mold so I'll try popping a fan over both molds and putting a heating pad under them. Right now the molds are sitting in plastic tubs, which I think is 90% of the problem, air is only coming in from the top.
I've also fallen into a rough patch and a lack of creativity, yet oddly video games are helping, somewhat. I'm starting to get inspired again. I think my brain just needed a reset and a kick in the butt.
I'm also starting to make my own Latex pawpads for fursuits. I'm putting the finishing touches on getting the latex to sit right, etc but should have some images up soon. I've been having some problems with the latex, given its just not setting ( I had to let it set for over a week and a half, which shouldn't happen for it to set right.) Molds turned our great though, but I think enough air is not getting into the mold so I'll try popping a fan over both molds and putting a heating pad under them. Right now the molds are sitting in plastic tubs, which I think is 90% of the problem, air is only coming in from the top.
Spreading the word to help a friend
General | Posted 14 years ago
shikoku ( http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2518458/) is in need of some quick cash. So, while I normally wouldn't do this I was opting to spread the word. We were supposed to work on some nice futurists this month but hit a snag. Helping my buddy out would get you eternal tiger hugs in my eyes. And I'm not a hug type of person :P.Some examples of her work include:
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5108872/- My blinking Avatar's full image w/bg
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5674943/- scared Kitty
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5633308/- Cerberus As seen in Anthrocon's 2011 Con Book!
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6023313 - BOTH of our fursuits!
Anthrocon MEMe!
General | Posted 14 years agoAnthrocon MEME:
Are You going to be in costume?
Yep, if it gets done in time, I can't WAIT to see it!
Where are you staying?
Westin
Who will you be with?
shikoku 
katmomma 
logarthsheppy 
desertgunbunny
Do you do free art?
Eh, honestly depends on my mood.
Do you do trades?
Never done these before, maybe someday.
Do you do commissions?
Still getting a bit more practice
Do you have prints/CDs?
Actually, yes but currently I can't print my larger work 11 X 17 and up. Though I won't be bringing any with me.
Do you do badges?
For myself, might open these in the future.
Will you have art in the Art Show? General or Adult sections?
Nope
What is your gender?
Female
How old are you?
23, turning 24 in August
Are you taken? Are you looking for a 'mate'?
Moving on...
Can I touch you?
Please ask first! I'm kinda weird about being hugged by strange people that just jump on me.
Can I invite you out for food/fun/etc?
If it's cool with everyone else I'm hanging out with, don't want to be rude and let the gang hanging...
Can I come with you for food/fun/etc?
If it's cool with everyone else I'm hanging out with.
Can I talk to you?
Sure, though I tend to be a bit quiet at first.
Can I give you stuff?
Uh...I guess?
Also I want to apologize for my lack of updates and new artwork. I am doing some heavy coding for my personal website and I was hired to help out with an RPG website. While a break from art is nice, I'm starting to get coding drained.
Are You going to be in costume?
Yep, if it gets done in time, I can't WAIT to see it!
Where are you staying?
Westin
Who will you be with?
shikoku 
katmomma 
logarthsheppy 
desertgunbunnyDo you do free art?
Eh, honestly depends on my mood.
Do you do trades?
Never done these before, maybe someday.
Do you do commissions?
Still getting a bit more practice
Do you have prints/CDs?
Actually, yes but currently I can't print my larger work 11 X 17 and up. Though I won't be bringing any with me.
Do you do badges?
For myself, might open these in the future.
Will you have art in the Art Show? General or Adult sections?
Nope
What is your gender?
Female
How old are you?
23, turning 24 in August
Are you taken? Are you looking for a 'mate'?
Moving on...
Can I touch you?
Please ask first! I'm kinda weird about being hugged by strange people that just jump on me.
Can I invite you out for food/fun/etc?
If it's cool with everyone else I'm hanging out with, don't want to be rude and let the gang hanging...
Can I come with you for food/fun/etc?
If it's cool with everyone else I'm hanging out with.
Can I talk to you?
Sure, though I tend to be a bit quiet at first.
Can I give you stuff?
Uh...I guess?
Also I want to apologize for my lack of updates and new artwork. I am doing some heavy coding for my personal website and I was hired to help out with an RPG website. While a break from art is nice, I'm starting to get coding drained.
"Girl Confessions"
General | Posted 15 years ago
DonCass's Meme1. Do you sleep in your bra?
Hell no, though some nights I don't think it would hurt.
2. Do you sleep with socks on?
Nope, I like the feeling of the sheets against my feet.
3. Would you rather sleep alone or with someone else?
Alone, though I always get a cat on the bed so I don't have a choice lol. And he has enough personality to be a "someone"
4. Do you enjoy drama?
No. It needs to DIE.
5. Are you a girly-girl?
Sometimes, it just depends. I'm a car fan but hate mud on my skin.
6. Who was the last person you hugged?
My mum.
7. Small or large purse?
Medium-Large, if it can fit my computer, sketchbook, whatever book I'm reading and a few other things, we're good.
8. Are you short?
I wouldn't consider myself short but slightly vertically challenged.
9. Do you like somebody?
"Like" a guy? Eh-I'll say no. But like my friends? Sure
10.Does your Facebook password have to do with a boy?
Nope, not even remotely close.
11. Do you care if your socks are dirty?
YES. Clean dry socks every day.
12. Do you think you’re conceited?
I don't think so but everyone has their moments
13. Do you dress up on Halloween?
Hell, I'm planing my costume now?
14. Are you double jointed?
Nope but I can move my big toes in weird ways.
15. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
I slept in a refrigerator box once?
16. Has anyone touched/smacked your butt in the past 24 hours?
Nope.
17. Is there any type of rumor going around about you?
Not that I know of?
18. Do you call anybody by their last name?
Yes...it's a habit for guy friends.
19. How many guys will read this just because it says "Girl Confessions"?
2-3.
[ ] I do wear make up.
[X] I have cried in a movie theater.(Marley and Me made me bawl at the end)
[ ] I can put mascara on without opening my mouth.
[ ] I get jealous.
[ ] I think Johnny Depp is sexy.
[ ] JUDE LAW FAG
[X] I love to laugh.
[X] I like death/grind/black metal. (Metal all the way man! -headbangs-)
[ ] I like rap.
[ ] I like techno.
[ ] I like country.
[X] I carry a purse.
[X] I'd be lost without my computer.
[X] I own a Spice Girls CD.
[ ] I own a Britney Spears CD.
[X] I own a boy band CD.
[ ] I get bored watching football.
[ ] I've never been called a spoiled brat.
[ ] Guys are confusing.
[ ] I've been called a bad influence
[ ] I have/had a piercing other than my ears.
Come on ladies, be truthful!
1. What color is your bra that your wearing?
Dark Midnight Blue
2. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?
Light, but really depends on the eyes. Blue Eyes+ Black Hair= DAMN.
3. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?
As is the normal state of things?
4. What's one thing a guy can do to make you like them?
Cook/Bake. Always works.
5. Do you have a best friend?
I have several but there isn't to much of a hierarchy.
6. Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yes.
7. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
Yes, to remove a small very annoying mole.
8. Do you like your life?
Crape Diem!
10. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boyfriend from you?
Nope. They haven't tried either, friends don't do that.
11. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?
Yes and been pushed in.
12. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?
It's about equal?
14. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?
Yes, for slapping my ass.
15. What are your biggest fears?
Falling Down Stairs.
16. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
Yes....more then once. Sometimes you just need to cry.
17. Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?
Yes...-eyes dart back and forth- Moving on...
18. Do you believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater?"
Yep, you can't change people, they must want to change.
19. Have you ever had a good feeling about something?
Yep, then I get major Deja-vu too...
20. Do you ever wish you were famous?
Nah, not really...
21. Are you currently missing someone?
Again, not really.
THIS GUY OR THAT GUY? PICK ONE:
Cowboy or Gangster?
Cowboy :p
Preppy or Punk?
Punk
Face or Body?
Both?
Good cook or take you out a lot?
Good Cook.
Sweet or sexy?
Bit of both is great.
Armani or Abercrombie?
Armani
Contacts or glasses?
Contacts, I'm an eyes chick :p
Tablet PC's Spoiled And The Blues
General | Posted 15 years agoWhenever I'm in public working on art I always get stopped and asked what kind of computer I'm using and then end up having to answer about a million questions about it. And lately it has got me thinking of the pro's and cons of my system.
Given most people don't know what kind of platform I run to create my art, I might as well give a little background on it. When I first started creating digital art, I started on a Tablet PC, i.e. one who's screen is pressure sensitive and can be turned around to make a drawing on the surface. My first Tablet bit the dust about a year ago and I have happily replaced it with another which is much better. My current tablet I can go so far as to touch the screen and without the aid of a mouse or the pen, bring up a program (think like an IPad or an ITouch/Phone). For anyone interested in this type of PC I would highly recommended my Toshiba Portege M750. I trust the brand and loved that I could order the computer form them from the ground up, putting exactly what I wanted (including Xp!) on the PC from the factory.
Having taken a 1/2 a year internship with my college after graduating, I've found I've gotten somewhat spoiled with the current hard wear and software I have access too. I've used a normal "Wacom" Tablet in the past and while it was nice, it wasn't all it was cracked up to be to me. How however I have discovered that a combination of using both, the tablet PC and the tablet, I really enjoy. Given I am leaving the internship at the end of the year, here is the problem.
Major Con with the Tablet PC:
* Not Pressure Sensitive in Photoshop
-I have tried time and time again to work with the computer to try to get this fixed, however every time I do, Photoshop works great but then it affects the rest of the computer and BAM the normal functions in my favorite sketcher program go crazy.
Major Plus:
* Overal Funtionality
*AutoDesk Sketch Book Pro
- I absolutely adore sketch book pro for my line art and sketching needs, to the point I feel on some levels, in that function it is -better- then Adobe but falls short on just about everything else. It can handle Photoshop files, which is a plus but if I want to do texture, I have to save and open in Photoshop, tweak, save and reopen it in sketcher.
Lately I have been combining the two methods, doing all the work I can/need to on the Tablet then moving to using a desktop and the Wacom Tablet for the photoshop work, which to me works very well. I get the line art photoshop can't give me and the coloring Sketch book can't give me and everyone is happy.
However, now that I will be leaving, I am wondering if it is worth is to invest in getting a Wacom/Bambo tablet so that I can continue the way I have been working, and found I enjoy or just go back to the old way of doing things. A prime example of the 'import, export' work thing, with my "Header image of Aletta" and the new style with Dre and the Jabberwocky WIP.
So my question to Fa is, in my shoes, would you op in for getting more minor hardware for something you already can do, but the new hardware would make it easier and faster to obtain what your looking for? Or follow the "if it ain't broke don't fix it" mentality? I -know- there are a few fixed this problem to make Photshop work but I do not want to -fix- one program in wake of making another one not work when I can, and do, do both. The Bambo/Wacom tables do work with my computer and do not interrupt the default settings.
I will most likely talk to a few of my friends about this as well.
Given most people don't know what kind of platform I run to create my art, I might as well give a little background on it. When I first started creating digital art, I started on a Tablet PC, i.e. one who's screen is pressure sensitive and can be turned around to make a drawing on the surface. My first Tablet bit the dust about a year ago and I have happily replaced it with another which is much better. My current tablet I can go so far as to touch the screen and without the aid of a mouse or the pen, bring up a program (think like an IPad or an ITouch/Phone). For anyone interested in this type of PC I would highly recommended my Toshiba Portege M750. I trust the brand and loved that I could order the computer form them from the ground up, putting exactly what I wanted (including Xp!) on the PC from the factory.
Having taken a 1/2 a year internship with my college after graduating, I've found I've gotten somewhat spoiled with the current hard wear and software I have access too. I've used a normal "Wacom" Tablet in the past and while it was nice, it wasn't all it was cracked up to be to me. How however I have discovered that a combination of using both, the tablet PC and the tablet, I really enjoy. Given I am leaving the internship at the end of the year, here is the problem.
Major Con with the Tablet PC:
* Not Pressure Sensitive in Photoshop
-I have tried time and time again to work with the computer to try to get this fixed, however every time I do, Photoshop works great but then it affects the rest of the computer and BAM the normal functions in my favorite sketcher program go crazy.
Major Plus:
* Overal Funtionality
*AutoDesk Sketch Book Pro
- I absolutely adore sketch book pro for my line art and sketching needs, to the point I feel on some levels, in that function it is -better- then Adobe but falls short on just about everything else. It can handle Photoshop files, which is a plus but if I want to do texture, I have to save and open in Photoshop, tweak, save and reopen it in sketcher.
Lately I have been combining the two methods, doing all the work I can/need to on the Tablet then moving to using a desktop and the Wacom Tablet for the photoshop work, which to me works very well. I get the line art photoshop can't give me and the coloring Sketch book can't give me and everyone is happy.
However, now that I will be leaving, I am wondering if it is worth is to invest in getting a Wacom/Bambo tablet so that I can continue the way I have been working, and found I enjoy or just go back to the old way of doing things. A prime example of the 'import, export' work thing, with my "Header image of Aletta" and the new style with Dre and the Jabberwocky WIP.
So my question to Fa is, in my shoes, would you op in for getting more minor hardware for something you already can do, but the new hardware would make it easier and faster to obtain what your looking for? Or follow the "if it ain't broke don't fix it" mentality? I -know- there are a few fixed this problem to make Photshop work but I do not want to -fix- one program in wake of making another one not work when I can, and do, do both. The Bambo/Wacom tables do work with my computer and do not interrupt the default settings.
I will most likely talk to a few of my friends about this as well.
New To FA?
General | Posted 15 years agoGreetings to Everyone,
First I would like to start off my saying that this is rather embarrassing, I joined quite a long time ago and actually forgot I did so, which actually just makes me feel bad, given I think my art fits better into this community then DA. I will be moving some images over, posting them here, etc as I get a chance. So Until the Gallery is decent please don’t expect any fancy layouts, or other things. –sighs and chains self to the desk– This weekend is going to be Fun ^_^
-Rayen
P.S. I will Only be Adding Newer/ My Best work to FA
First I would like to start off my saying that this is rather embarrassing, I joined quite a long time ago and actually forgot I did so, which actually just makes me feel bad, given I think my art fits better into this community then DA. I will be moving some images over, posting them here, etc as I get a chance. So Until the Gallery is decent please don’t expect any fancy layouts, or other things. –sighs and chains self to the desk– This weekend is going to be Fun ^_^
-Rayen
P.S. I will Only be Adding Newer/ My Best work to FA
