A wet drive home is always a perfect opportunity to enthral people with my furry journey. The long and short is, I think I’m ok with it. I think it’s ok to admit - yes, I am a god damn furry. I’ve even ‘come out’ to some friends. Which was weird. However - I don’t feel it actually changed there perspective of me. It’s like - don’t worry people, I’m still that same dood you know and love. Just occasionally I like to pretend to be a dragon online.

Ah yes - that. So. Currently my sona is a Folf. Manly because that was a simple easy choice. I hear that the wolves and foxes are the most popular sonas. I still don’t know what I’m doing - with the whole sona thing. However, one of my friends I told said I was more of dragon like. So, here we are. I’m trying to flesh the idea out - and, hopefully I’ll find a nuts enough artist to represent me as this new sona. Well. That’s today’s mini update. I’ll try to be less distant and socialise here more often. Till then. Look after yourselves fellow furs.

Well, it’s been more than year since my last journal. I’ve gained one follower in the regional lead of the local furry community. I’m a little more online in terms of going in with group conversations. I still don’t really know how I fit in the group. Certainly doesn’t help being an introvert who struggles to connect with people in social settings. I’m trying to work on a fursona ... and there was the possibility of going to local meetings... and, I’m actually ok with being a furry.

Then the worlds largest public health situation hit, most countries went on lockdown and the biggest pandemic in memory hit. Now, when I’m not being a furry - I’m a health worker. However. I don’t feel deserving of the worldwide praise for the respons more medical situated health workers have made.

At most - I notice when I swipe into work, and wear PPE all the time. Oh, and get told to socially distance from some disembodied voice coming from a speaker.

I’m hoping, once lockdown is over to step out and meet people. Finish off my fursona, and maybe commission some art of it. It’s been a weird situation, but being with myself more has meant I have time to accept more of myself for what it is.

Stay safe fellow fluffies .

Ceriph

I always write journal updates in a strange process of writing to myself, as I'm uncertain of the audience of my page being still quite a lurker. It was an nterestingly cathartic process to see a youtuber I enjoy the content of almost being called out for their furriness, yet not wanting to admit it. I did a weird thing when I saw said process - and I reimagined myself in the same situation - what would I do, what would I say. To be honest, I think if any of the people who knew me IRL (who mostly don't know I'm into this stuff) called me out now, I'd just be like - yep, ya got me. I think this is probably more of a seachange than I realise, as I've spent many a year hiding all of this from public view. Now I'm not exactly public with it - I don't own a suit, I'm not yelling it from the rooftop, or throwing it in peoples faces. Then, I don't think that would be a good thing either. I think my current standpoint is the exact right standpoint to have. I'm excepting of it - but not overtly in your face with it. I also went to my first meet this month - well I say went. I was way too late to actually meet anyone as the meet happened at 11am, and I think I rocked up about 3pm. However - I'm in the mindset that if I can manage to get the timings right, I may go to the next local one. Hopefully I even fit in! I don't normally into normal circles. Being a weird science geek I don't fit into normal life at all. Then, where would the fun in that be.

So for the last month (or more!) I've been waiting to here if I can get a mortgage on a house way closer to work. I finally got the ok today, and now the long process of actually getting in it starts!

So I just boxed up everything in my house. The house I lived in with my wife for 3 years. Before she decided to move on to a new man twice her age. However apart from slight anger at the fact it feels though she hasn’t paid her penance for her wrongdoing, I’ve moved on. For one I’ve been able to accept myself more - part of which has been saying, I’ve been a closet Fur for 10 years - maybe it’s time to start coming out a bit and realising this is part of who I am. I still need to find the strength to meet with others yet - but, I hope that can happen. In the meantime I shall keep pouring words into the void. Perhaps someone might read them and get a glimpse into me for a bit. Perhaps it’ll help someone else to know there’s another person going through similar.
Till then - I have to just keep moving on myself in the blind hope I can do some good in this universe.

Someone called me resilient today. I found that quite odd. I’ve never viewed myself as resilient, quite the opposite. Personally - I’m a hot mess. However it’s interesting to see another perspective. Sure I’m going through a separation and I’m fine. I’ve been through worse. I see worse every day. I work in Health - indirectly with people with terminal cancers so, I see people cope with way worse. That’s how I cope. If they can cope with what life’s given them - I have no right to complain about my life. Although, I’m human - and naturally, I do.

In other news my long-standing quest to achieve my ABRSm grade 4 piano seems to be taking steps. I just need to keep motivated as - I know it requires what could be described as torture. Supposedly it takes 1000 hours to learn something well. So I just need to put in that time. Into all of it. Regardless of how much at times I’m gunna hate that.

So - I've been a FA member as of next year for 10 whole years. I know right.

Most of my membership has been held with a quite inactive account. I still haven't got a profile picture - mainly as I can't draw good and I haven't got round to commissioning someone who can. I also need to settle on this whole 'fursona' thing before that happens - and be brave enough to reach out to someone who I like the style of and say 'you're good, draw something - take my money!

Externally to FA I'm slowly getting into 'being in the furry fandom'. Well if you can count being a moderate closet lurker who rarely communicates or mentions hes in the fandom. I certainly don't know that people I know know I'm a furry (or closet furry depending on your viewpoint'.

On FA - I know I have two whole messages from creators and groups - I didn't respond. One of which I wish I had - mainly because now I feel rude for not replying, but I also feel like the ship for replying has sailed... Damn I need to be better at this.

I did also reach out to the local furry group about oooh - 3 months ago. I though, yeah - find if there is a local group, see if theyre like minded. Well - theyre a whole lot braver than me! I also don't know if I quite click. Mind you, I haven't found the bravery to actually go to a meet in person. I may love it. I also know I'm one of those weird people in an odd profession whos mind kinda works in very different ways. This can be quite offputting - and I have zero emotions 90% of the time only to become a blubbering wreck the other 10.

So mainly this is one of those weird posts about fitting in. I know fitting in requires effort on my part - but I still find that hard. Maybe I just need to let go and stop being entirely socially awkward and maybe reach out when the opportunities to do so arise. Hopefully my recent good news about purchasing a new place nearer work and the local group may spur me on to do more. Then - it may not :D