I've been mostly stable the past month but I still have days that are rough.
I still have nightmares every night and the depression still gets to me from time to time.
Thankfully I've been put on medications that have made me more stable. I'm still not myself and I have to avoid triggers or else I go into fits of depression and anxiety.
Learning what these triggers are and avoiding is a painful process at best. I have to avoid activities I used to enjoy and people I care about because of this.
All I can really say is that I'm still trying.

I will be a part of Extralife this year and raising money for children's hospitals.
If you want to help out, you can click this link https://bitly.com/RazEL2014 to go to the donations page.
I will be doing a marathon stream tomorrow for the cause at Twitch.tv/raznir
This was the best thing I could think of to channel everything into something good.

http://bit.ly/1qyBDmq
This article sums up my past year and, sadly, how I currently am.

TL;DR I effectively have PTSD

Since I was broken. In the past year, the following has happened

~I have started seeing a counselor
~I have been sent to a suicide ward (19 attempts as of writing this)
~I have cut into my arms
~I have been put on multiple medications just to keep me from doing the above
~I have not had a good night's rest because I am always plagued by nightmares
~I still cry myself to sleep
~and many other things I can't think of at this moment

BUT don't you dare think for a second that I'm not trying. The only reason I haven't doused myself in gasoline is because of my friends who check up on me and have been trying to make me feel like I'm worth something. I am hurt. I honestly don't believe I'll get better but I'm still trying for you, my friends, because that's who I am.

I'm living for my friends as I want to die for myself.
I had to do something for today. I promised my counselor I would. This is it.

Fursona: Raznir Myst
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12942116/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12942116/

What made you choose the species of your main fursona?
I've always been fond of dragons and it's sort of my sword of Damocles.

Is your fursona just like you, or how you want to be?
Raz is pretty much me just a bit less shy

Does your fursona have the same personality you have?
Yup

Does your fursona have the same dislikes and likes as you do?
That'd be another yes

Does your fursona look like you at all?
In a way. The origin of his stripes are because of how my beard is and I try to get him drawn with my body build.

Is your fursona the same gender as you, if not why?
Yep

Do you have more then one main fursona?
Nope

Do you have a back story for your fursona, if so does it have anything to do with your own history?
I do and it's a parallel to my own history

Is your fursona mated, if so is it to your real life significant other?
Not any more

If not, are they looking for a mate or are they a swinger, so to speak?
(this page has intentionally left blank)

Is there something special about your fursona that you think sets them apart from others?
My silly stripes

Do you have much art of your main fursona/s?
Not a whole lot but there's a bit

Would you ever consider parting with your main fursona, if so why?
From the way I see my sona, I am unable to get rid of him.

If you suit, do you have a suit of your main fursona?
I don't have a suit

Have you ever roleplayed with your main fursona, or do you prefer not to?
It's my way of feeling closer to the ones I care about who are far away

Do you consider your main fursona to be a part of you in any way?
Yes. I knew about otherkin before furries so Raz is, at most my "soul", and at least a self image for meditation.

As everyone has been able to gather for the past few months, I've been on the extreme end of depression. I've gotten to a point to where I don't feel like I'm in control of myself. On Christmas, I spent most of the day literally curled up in a corner and digging my nails into my arm. It was the worst I have ever been. On top of my depression, it's more than likely that I have hypercalcemia which. among it's own set of issues, is making my depression worse. I'll be seeing the doctor in February for a last bit of blood work before they go ahead and put me on something for that.

With all the back-story out of the way, I've been officially been put on two different happy pills so I should be more tolerable in the next week or two.

I'm not well. I haven't been well for a while. I'm sorry because I've taken something from all of your. I've taken your friend. I have been acting horribly for a long time now. I haven't been a good friend. I've been afraid and I've been letting that fear control the way I've been acting for about half a year now. I just now realized this.

I probably won't be on here for a while. I'll still be on the other places I'm usually found. I won't be gone forever but hopefully, when I do come back, you'll have your friend back.

I'm sorry for the worry I've caused. I hope I can be forgiven at some point, after I get better.

Be you fate, God, or whoever, you should suffer.
Dawson, my cat, died today. The world is now without one of the most friendly and loving creatures to grace it. I miss you buddy.

I spent the last week with some friends. I can't remember how many times I broke down and sobbed on their couch. I saw a counselor last Tuesday and I have another appointment this Thursday. I'm sorry for the way I've been acting. I'm sorry for any worry I've caused. I'm just sorry. Everyone keeps telling me things will get better. They haven't for four months and I just can't believe it, not now. I'm still trying though. Trying is the best I can do.

I am a scared child on the inside. A child who has been hurt so often and so routinely that, for the longest time, went to the darkest corner and sat there with his back to the world. A child that knows there just must be something wrong with him. There has to be some reason why he is treated as though he is the worst human being on the planet. This child found happiness once. There was one who brought light and the love he craved so much to his life. This child knew it would be taken from him. He doesn't know what he did wrong but he knows that everything that makes him happy will be taken away. Anyone and anything that gives him hope will be taken from him. The child knows this well. The child is lost and doesn't know how to reach out because he is too afraid. This child is one I would try to comfort if I saw him but this child is me and not even I want me. Back to the corner, the child goes. Returning to where he's been with his back to the world. Back to knowing he is something terrible though he doesn't know what he's done or how to make it right. Finally, he goes back to the loneliness and pain that seem to be the constants in his life.

The concept of magic is a strange thing. Take chemistry for instance. Before anyone had a good idea as to what was happening, chemistry was the magic known as alchemy.

For some reason, this idea has held my attention all morning. What of other things we consider magic? What would the world look like if instead of cars and stoves, one rode to work on a magic carpet or if one cooked their meals with a conjured flame? Those a just a couple ideas but I'm curious what you all think modern society would look like if instead of harnessing electricity, we harnessed some magical energy.

Nothing like a nice long walk with one's thoughts to make one feel better.

You see replicas of various styles of architecture from around the world and your first thought is "I wanna climb that".

Been in a good mood for the past couple week. Been talking with my mate , the pocket-cabbit, along with a good amount of my friends. I'm also starting to finally shake of the feeling that I need to seclude myself so I'll probably be around more often than I've been.

 JTDragon This dragon is doing ^^this^^

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4499298/
^^there^^

I feel safe. I won't say why, but I, for once in my life, actually feel safe.

Today I have finished reading A Memory of Light the last book of the Wheel of Time series. Upon reaching the end I felt as though I had just finished saying goodbye to an old friend. I'm not sure if it's just me but the story moved me. Now I'm curious. Have any of you gotten the same feeling from a book or some other form of story telling? If so, and you feel comfortable, please share what.

It's like magic, only it's science.

about that feeling of stepping out of a hot shower and knowing that you're clean.

Oh no! It's been going around again! I caught... the meme! T.=.T

If you comment, I'll--
1) Tell you something I learned about you by looking at your FA page for 10 seconds.
2) Tell you a color you remind me of.
3) Tell you my first memory of you.
4) Ask you a question.
5) Tell you something I like about you.
6) Tell you the object that is in front of me.
7) Dare you to do this yourself in your own journal!

This is somewhat of a follow up thought from the previous journal.

For me there are people, who have no blood relation to me, that are more family to me than my blood relations. I don't intend for this to be about me or me complaining but I'd like to know what other, if any, faux families are around.
How do such relationships develop?
Is it common for those without a caring family to seek that bond elsewhere?
Is there really such a strong need for family?

Just like the last journal, please feel free to give any other thoughts. I want to know what you all think.

Would anyone mind if I did something similar to my previous journal?
By this I mean if there is a topic that interests me, would anyone mind if I posted a journal about it for input from you, my friends?
I'll probably avoid "touchy" topics and if not make them as general as possible.

about this topic for a while and was wondering what others had to say.

RosemaryTeatree and i got on the topic about people we respect. From this we started talking about how there are people, non-family members, who could make us feel absolutely crushed if they were to say "I'm disappointed in you". What I'd like to hear is:
Is there anyone like that for you (you don't have to say who)?
Why do you think these individuals affect you so (again, no need for details)?

Feel free to add any other thoughts as well. I post this meaning to be nothing more than a discussion of a topic that's been on my mind for a while and because I want to know what others think.

a hug?

Meme munitions acquired from  BeagleDerp

HOW OLD DO YOU ACT?

[x] You know how to make a pot of coffee.
[x] You keep track of dates using a calendar.
[ ] You own a credit card.
[x] You know how to change the oil in a car.
[x] You've done your own laundry.
[x] You can vote in an election.
[x] You can cook for yourself.
[x] You think politics are interesting

TOTAL SO FAR: 7

[ ] You show(ed) up for school late a lot.
[x] You always carry a pen/pencil in your bag/purse/pocket.
[x] You've never gotten a detention.
[x] You have forgotten your own birthday.
[x] You like to take walks by yourself.
[x] You know what credibility means, without looking it up
[x] You drink caffeine at least once a weeK.

TOTAL SO FAR: 13

[x] You know how to do the dishes.
[x] You can count to 10 in another language.
[x] When you say you're going to do something you USUALLY do it.
[x] You can mow the lawn.
[ ] You study even when you don't have to.
[x] You have hand washed a car before.

TOTAL SO FAR: 17

[x] You can spell experience, without looking it up.
[ ] The people at Starbucks know you by name.
[ ] Your favorite kind of food is take out.
[x] You can go to the store without getting something you don't need.
[x] You understand political jokes the first time they are said.
[x] You can type pretty quick.

TOTAL SO FAR: 21 (blackjack! ^.=.^)

[ ] Your only friends are from your place of employment.
[ ] You have been to a Tupperware party.
[x] You have realized that practically no one will take you seriously unless you are over the age of 25 and have a job.
[ ] You have more bills than you can pay.
[ ] You have been to the beach.
[x] You use the internet every day.
[ ] You have been outside of your home country 3 or more times.
[ ] You make your bed in the morning.

TOTAL SO FAR: 23

[ ] You have filed a tax return
[x] You have used a pay phone
[x] You have been served alcohol without being ID'd (they tried to server me without ID but, I'm a good dragon and wouldn't cheat the system like that >.=.>)
[ ] You have purchased stamps at the grocery store
[x] You have purchased a lottery ticket
[ ] You still have and use a VCR

Total: 26

Real age: 19

26 + 19 = 45

45 / 2 = 22.5

So, I act like I'm in my mid 20's... which is what people tend to assume so I guess this worked out.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY
1) Matthew
2) Matt
3) Raznir

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD
1) Dragoneye404
2) Raznir
3) (can't honestly think of a third one)

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF
1) I can take a hit
2) I'm not very picky
3) It's exceedingly difficult to make me mad

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF
1) I'm far too sarcastic
2) Paranoid
3) Excessively competitive at times

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU
1) Being alone
2) Well...
3) That's about it really...

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1) Food
2) Drink
3) Cabbit

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW
1) Razer shirt
2) Jeans
3) My scratched up glasses >.>

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS/SINGERS
1) Blind Guardian
2) Matt Ebel
3) Basshunter

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT
1) The bard's song - Blind Guardian
2) Lost in the Twilight hall - Blind Guardian
3) Bad Company - Five Finger Death Punch

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS
1) Cooking something new
2) Roadtrip to Florida
3) Stay in Florida

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP
1) love
2) Love
3) LOVE

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE IN NO ORDER
1) I can never think of something to say for these...
2) The next statement is true
3) The previous statement is false

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU
1) Personality
2) Eyes
3) Smile

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO
1) Go inside a church
2) Bake
3) Draw

THREE THINGS YOU CAN DO
1) Cook
2) Fight
3) Make my friends happy

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES
1) Martial arts
2) Gaming
3) Debating

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW
1) Go to Florida
2) Hold a certain cabbit close
3) Repeat step 2

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING
1) Computer engineering
2) Soldier of Fortune
3) App Developer

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION
1) Ireland
2) Australia
3) Antarctica

THREE KIDS NAMES
1) Claudia
2) Dante
3) Augustus

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1) Not die >.>
2) Make my friends happy
3) Do what I can

THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW OR DIE PAINFULLY DISAPPOINT ME :C
 rosemaryteatree
 Beaglederp
 CombatDnA

Edit: Fixed a small typing error