What's your real name?
Steffanna

Names you go by?
offline: Steffy, Stef
online: Razor, FANG

How old are you?
21

How old do you feel/act?
Mentally I feel about 17 or 18 but my body feels like it's 30.

How tall are you?
5'7"

What's your natural hair color?
dull brown

What's your eye color?
blue

What's your orientation?
hetero-romantic demisexual (possibly asexual atm)

Are you single, taken or undecided?
single

What do you do in your spare time?
learning to crochet, play League of Legend, take care of plants, watch movies at my friend's house, etc.

What's your job or occupation?
Cashier at a Sunoco on the turnpike

What do you like about yourself?
I'm kind (sometimes too kind) and I accept people for who they are


What do you dislike about yourself?
insecurities and fears, not being able to stick up for myself sometimes

What did your friends notice about you when they first met you?
idk

What is your belief/religion if you believe in anything at all?
I don't believe in a god per say, but I don't believe we're entirely alone

Do you drink?
basically no. I drink like 3 or 4 times a year

Do you smoke?
Djarum Blacks (clove, "kretek" cigarettes)

What are your major fears?
losing someone I love, heights if I'm not enclosed on at least 3 sides, humiliation

Do you have any dreams or goals?
Not really. Right now my life has hit a brick wall. Conquering my depression would be nice.

Have you ever had a crush or an ex?
A handful of crushes, unfortunately one ex

Who's your best buddy?
My childhood friend who I work with

What's your favorite dish?
sushi, steak, curry

What's your favorite drink?
coffee

What's your favorite color?
black or neon green

If you had a super power, what would it be?
invisibility

What's your favorite movie?
So many but my current favorites are The Rocky Horror Picture Show, A Clockwork Orange, An American Werewolf In London, The Dark Crystal, Labyrinth, etc.

What's your least favorite food?
celery

What's the last meal you want before you die?
Philedelphia rolls (sushi), steak and a Starbucks raspberry white mocha

What do you drive and what would you really like to drive?
I don't really drive yet but I own a 1996 Chevy Beretta

What is your most disliked bug?
stink bugs (we have a kind that if you even look at them they stink and if you pick them up they leave little cuts on your hand)

What pet peeves do you dislike the most?
Loud noises (yelling esp.), people who throw things next to a trash can instead of in it

What do you dislike in life?
everything cost money and causes cancer. There's no winning. Also, it seems I can't trust anyone

What do you like about life?
to tell you the truth idk

Because even though he's been drunk every day for the past week he'll deny it even though it's true and will accuse you of smoking weed at a friend's house when you don't even smoke weed. And now he's in a pissy mood and drinking more.

I need to get out of this place. I'm tired of his drinking and I'm tired of supporting him because he thinks alcohol is more important than saving to pay the bills.

So after the last unpleasant incident that happened, I just had a guy come in to work last night and make doe eyes at me the whole time. It wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't on the phone with his girlfriend while he was doing it.

I think I'm just going to lock myself in a house for the rest of my life and avoid all human contact.

So, I met this guy near the end of the summer and I became "friends" with him. I say "friends" because he was a really nice guy at first. We added each other on FB and talked about video games. Then the weirdness happened.

This guy starts flirting hard with me even though I tell him that I'm not looking for a relationship and that flirting makes me highly uncomfortable. He just says "Sorry, I'm just lonely. I won't do it again." So a couple months ago he starts talking and flirting with me again. If he talked normally I would talk back but if he flirted I'd just ignore him because of course I'm too fucking nice to delete someone.

Like, you guys don't understand. If someone flirts with me it's either A.) I'm totally oblivious and have no idea or B.) I get highly offended by it. I have a coworker that is completely shocked that I'm offended by it and she's like "I'd feel really good if someone flirted with me." I'm not sure why but every time someone does I just feel like telling them to fuck off and get away from me.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. So after completely ignoring the last 3 or so messages he sent me he sent me one this morning that says, and I quote: should i just delete u?

YES, DO IT. DO IT NOW. LIKE, RIGHT NOW.

/end pointless excited rant

.:edit:.

So he asked why I don't talk to him anymore and I explained that I'm not looking for a relationship and flirting makes me uncomfortable. He says "Why? am I not good enough for you?"

Yep, he's deleted.

I just couldn't leave you guys forever.

Also if you haven't noticed yet, I've started saving money for something I've been wanting for a long time: a fursuit. My goal by the end of this year is to make friends in the community so I have people to play around in suit with/go to cons with and not feel left out. There's also one more thing I'd love to do: get my own place. Living with my dad and paying his bills is getting boring and plus, I feel that when he's around I have to hold back. I can't be the person I want to be without being questioned and it's even for little things like "You're 21, you don't need to watch cartoons." "You wear that in public? Why?" "Why are you making a snowman? That's for little kids." (he didn't say it, but I didn't make a snowman today for that reason). I feel like it's time to take a big step in life. Recently a coworker asked me about my friends and I could only think of 2 people I consider good friends. I feel that needs to change. I'm shy and awkward around new people and I have some deep-rooted trust issues but this year I'm going to try to get stronger and push those problems aside.

Why is it impossible to find dark gray ones without the stupid scarf/mitten combo, or just without them in general? I bought one a few days ago and it was the first one I have seen in literally years. Unfortunately it's black, but I don't mind since when I first made FANG way back in 5th grade she used to be black instead of dark gray. And this one even has a button on the side so you can turn it into an actual hood. _{Now to work with my self-confidence problems and someday wear it in public.} If anyone finds a dark gray one pleeeease link me.


Still on hiatus. My Skype is steffy.cochran.

My dad informed me last night that the transmission in his truck is failing. It's our only vehicle and since he's quite irresponsible with his money he has no money and isn't allowed to take out any more loans from the bank. I don't drive due to a phobia that I most likely need counseling for but no one believes I do so I don't have a vehicle and can't drive. If my grandma can't take me or If I can't get rides to work I may lose my job.

I'm currently the only person with money in our family, and I don't have a lot. If I can't work then the money will be gone in a couple of months. I'm scared. If my depression didn't destroy my love of drawing I could do commissions but even that wouldn't help. It seems like the past few months have been nothing but a downhill incline and I don't know how much more I can take.

I'm still on leave so if anyone wants to talk to me my Skype name is steffy.cochran. Please tell me who you are or I won't add you. I still don't know when I'm coming back to FA.

There's just too many things going on right now and some of the artwork makes me feel worse. If anyone would like to talk to me they can get ahold of me on Skype. My username is Steffy.Cochran. Just tell me who you are first or I won't add you.

Goodbye for now.

I'm seriously thinking about doing something completely stupid just to get out of this place just to get away from my dad and other people who don't even appreciate me. I'm seriously thinking about just going to college for something I'm not even sure that I like and spend money I don't have, and possibly swim in debt from it just to get away. I can't stand living with my dad anymore. He's come home drunk almost every night for the past week and a half and we almost got in a fight the other night and he screamed at me in the car tonight just because I had a bad day at work and I was annoyed. I got in the car and told him I had a shitty day and I told him I'd rather not listen to loud music and he goes "Well, too bad. It's my car." Half way home he turns the music way down and screams "So is work all that your mad about!? It has to be something else!" And I insisted that I was fine. The other day he tried to get in a fight with me because he told me to go with my grandma to Walmart and get a bag of dog food (he didn't tell me I was the one paying for it until I was about to walk out the door). It was an all-day thing so I went home, left the dogs out and went straight to bed since I only had 3 hours to sleep. 2 hours in he storms in the door drunk and starts yelling because I didn't put the food in the bowl. I go downstairs and explain to him that after being awake for 26 hours it was the last thing on my mind and he says to me "Well maybe we should send them to your mother's so she can put them in some kennel somewhere." I sat upstairs and cried and actually called off work because I just couldn't do it. He also has a habit of spending money on things he doesn't need and begs me for more. One time he deliberately lied to me and took out money for something totally different from what he told me he was going to buy.

Then there's the whole situation with people. I try to put others before myself and I try to get along with everyone but I still get treated like shit. I only have maybe 2 friends and I don't see much of them. I've tried making friends with people at work but all 3 times someone from work has said "Oh, we'll go do something" they've stood me up. It's gotten to the point where I don't trust anyone anymore. Hell, one person I've considered my best friend for a long time just up and left and won't even talk to me anymore. They say "oh, you can talk to me" but every time I get no answer or they just send me one word messages. It makes me feel like I've just been used because I'm so nice to everyone. I can't stand it anymore. I can't even buy myself a trailer or something to get away because I don't drive. The only way I'm going to be able to do that is if I can find myself a specialized instructor that works with people scared to drive and there's none around here. Nobody understands that I'm basically traumatized. I've had too many people I know die in car accidents and even sitting in the passenger seat and someone expecting me to even get the car to move reduces me to tears. Nobody understands that, or the fact that I'm 21 and don't know what to do with my life. I tell someone that and they look at me like I'm a loser. I don't want to feel like a loser anymore but I don't know what to do. Hell, I live with the guilt and pain of it everyday because I know my ex broke up with me because he thinks I'm a loser. That's the only reason I can think of why he did it and it crushes me. It hurts me to the point that I don't even want to live anymore. I'm just some loser who will never get anywhere in life and will never have friends. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know what to do.

I have to work with the person I absolutely despise because she treats me like absolute shit despite all the nice things I've done for her. She just recently got promoted to senior shift leader, which means what she says overrides the nightshift shift leader. She shouldn't even have that title. She's constantly late for work, doesn't do anything around the store because it's "not her job" and last week she pissed all of us off by going home early because she was bored.

I'm just going to brace myself for verbal abuse and accept my fate of probably being forced to work in the cooler all night.

Have I been sending out any messages to people? Yesterday my Guild Wars 2 account was hacked and today Twitter said that someone attempted to change my password and my defunct Pounced account is sending out spam. I'm getting scared guys. I'm currently running a shit ton of virus scans.

I feel like crying. Customer service is all automated and won't do anything and now I'm going to lose the game he bought me. I don't want to lose it.

It might take a while. I've been feeling really down lately and I have no desire to draw, I just feel like sleeping all day. I promise you I will get to you.

Art trades:
 artsypaws
 keu

The person that I wanted to hear from the most hasn't said a thing and it breaks my heart.

And so far my dad had to borrow money from me this morning when I'm trying to save it, my mom and my grandma tried to dictate how much time I spend with them (they wanted me to stay for 3 days. I argued with them over the phone and cut it short to only 2) and I probably won't be able to go drinking.

Why can't anything just go right for once? I mean c'mon, even on my birthday nothing goes right.

Work, stress and depression have destroyed you. Now please excuse me while I go watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show for the second time this week at 5:33 am to cheer myself up. The singing along helps.

Both mentally and physically. I just feel horrible and can't stop coughing today. I really don't want to go to work tonight but I have to.

I can see this being played at conventions from now on. I'll be the one who runs out and autotune howls.

https://youtu.be/jofNR_WkoCE

1: Could you go the rest of your life wihout smoking a cigarette?
Probably. I only smoke at work.

2: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused?
single/heartbroken

3: What if I told you that you were pretty?
I might not believe you.

4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?
yes

5: Are you interested in anyone right now?
no

6: What are you looking forward to in the next week?
nothing

7: Do you want to be single?
not really but then again relationships hurt too much in the end

8: Did you go out or stay in last night?
worked, then stayed in

9: How late did you stay up last night?
5 am

10: Can you recall the last time you realized you liked someone a lot?
yes

11: Last three things you had to drink?
coffee, water, coffee

12: Have you ever pretended to like someone?
no

13: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?
no

14: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
no

15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?
yes

16: Think back five months ago, were you single?
no

17: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?
sleeping

18: Hold hands with anyone this week?
no

19: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
yes

20: What would you name your future daughter?
I never want kids

21: Do you miss anyone?
yes

22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?
no

23: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
idk, it's been too long

24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?
sometimes but not often

25: Have you ever cried from being so mad?
yes

26: Who did you last see in person?
my dad

27: Are you listening to music right now?
no

28: What is something you currently want right now?
nothing atm

29: What is the last thing you said out loud?
ok

30: How is your heart lately?
broken into a million pieces

31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
if it's really cold

32: Are you wearing socks?
no

33: What do people call you?
Razor, Stef, Steffy, etc.

34: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?
most likely not. he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?
yes

36: Who did you last share a bed with?
my ex

37: Did you do something bad today?
no

38: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
last night

39: Do you get stressed out easily?
yes

40: Will you sing today?
probably not

41: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
yes

42: Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone?
 kitsunedavi

43: Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance?
no

44: What are you listening to right now?
the weather channel

45: What is wrong with you right now?
depressed and lonely

46: What is on your wrists right now?
bracelets

47: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?
Hot Topic

48: What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider?
hot apple cider

49: Do you make wishes at 11:11?
no

50: Are you a good artist?
idk, am I?

51: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?
idk anymore

52: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?
yes

53: Ever been on a golf cart?
yes

54: Do you have trust issues?
yes

55: Ever stayed up all night on the phone, with who?
no

56: Do you own something from Hot Topic?
yes

57: Do you use chap stick?
sometimes

58: Have you ever slapped someone in the face?
yes

59: Do you have a little sister?
no

60: Have you ever been to New York?
no

61: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
idk

62: Have you hugged someone within the last week?
yes

63: What were you doing at midnight last night?
playing League of Legends

64: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?
no

65: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
yes

66: Were your last three kisses from the same person?
idk

67: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?
no

68: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
with someone else

69: Will next Friday be a good one?
idk

It always seems like every time I think I'm on top of things again something comes along and pushes me back down. I'm saying this right now, I'm never doing it again. The heartbreak and the hurt greatly outweigh all of the good things. I can't do it again.

I want a cat back into my life so bad. I miss the purring, the leg rubs and singing the soft kitty song.

But my dad hates cats so I have to wait a little longer. :c

So there's this brony that keeps hitting on me despite me telling him I'm not even remotely interested. Oh god what do I do!?

_{HELP ME JESUS! HELP ME TOM CRUISE! PUT IT OUT WITH YOUR WITCHCRAFT! ;____;}

I'm currently trying to kick my depression in the butt one step at a time and I've been making some progress. I've been spending time with friends and family and finding new hobbies to help myself feel better and I want to thank a few people on here for caring and being there when I was at my lowest points. I originally posted this on FB but I think it deserves to go here too.

I'm finished with letting things get to me. I've come to realize that I shouldn't be ashamed of not knowing what I want to do as a life-long career just yet and that I don't want to go to college until I'm absolutely 100% ready. I shouldn't feel guilty about something I didn't do and I shouldn't feel like a failure. I know there's a lot of people out there that don't like me or treat me like dirt but I also know there's a lot of people out there that like me just the way I am. I want to say thank you to all of those people for helping me get through the tough time I'm currently having. You all know who you are. I admit, some days I still feel guilty, I still feel like a failure, and I still cry, but I'm taking it one step at a time and trying my best to heal. Thank you all again. And if a certain someone still talked to me, I'd thank him for helping me become a stronger person.

Not physically but emotionally. It feels like the life has kind of been sucked out of me if that makes any sense. I don't like it.

I'm just so sorry. I have to bump that last journal off of my page. I just feel so many emotions and I feel like I have no one to turn to.