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Well, it's.. Been a while.
Posted 7 years agoWhelp. I think it's been long enough since my last journal, and.. I think there's some level of consensus on not having a two-year-old journal titled 'Pain' up as one of the first things you see on this page.
..I'll do a more proper journal at some point in the future, but.. Hi! Still alive, still dysfunctional, and now even more confused about body and gender stuff.
\\0//
..I'll do a more proper journal at some point in the future, but.. Hi! Still alive, still dysfunctional, and now even more confused about body and gender stuff.
\\0//
[Rambly write-y thing] Pain
Posted 10 years agoThe saying goes that 'Pain is just weakness leaving the body'. For me, it's more than that.. It's a way for me to hide away, to find something easy to point at, to give my mind something else to focus on, to get my mind to shut up for a while. Pain, for me, is a crutch; an excuse, an escape. Pain shouldn't be that, but it is for me.
It's been this way for.. Well, nearly as long as I can recall. Be it nervous scratching, hitting my head on things (usually things that are quite hard), or even something as benign as gripping something a biit too hard. It's sad. It's a bad habit. It's something that I shouldn't even really consider to be an option. Yet I still do it. I still hurt myself, even going so far as to make myself bleed (Not anywhere that hasn't bled before, usually). I feel bad about it, sure. I recognise that it is something that I really shouldn't do. Yet, there's a part of me that relishes the pain, takes some form of solace in it; a part of me that enjoys the pain while it lasts.
Maybe it's me trying to feel something for a change. Likely, it's me trying to find something else, something more urgent to feel when I'm in some sort of distress. I know I shouldn't. I know that is a bad way to go about things. But I can't really say that I learned too many constructive ways to vent. I grew up being told by those around me to bottle, to stay quiet; to blend in, keep my head down, and be normal.
Anyone who knows the sort of stuff I like can probably tell you how well that ended up working.
The worst part of it, though, is that I (almost) never can bring myself to ask for help, to let people know that I'm hurting without them finding out on their own. I hide behind "Yeah, I'm alright", "Doing well enough", and quite a few other half-truths; I hide behind "Still breathing, so I must be fine" and "Nothing's broken" (which was actually untrue at one point in recent memory); "Still breathing" and others, simply using physical well-being and low benchmarks to keep people from worrying.
I've gotten really good at wearing masks.
I am of the belief (rightly or not) that logic tends to hold better answers than emotions most of the time; and believe me, it has helped. It kept my feet firmly on the ground when I (and others) needed it most. I find easy calm in logic, in programming and puzzles. I find it calming, letting emotions take a back seat as I focus on the problem at hand. This is healthy enough on its own - Far healthier than living life, wildly flailing atop the wild beast that emotions can be. The problem lies in leaving that beast - one's emotions - in a cage most of the time, only letting it roam when moods unlock the gate, or worse - When it careens right through the wall.
Saying that I have had a couple of outbursts is like saying that Mt. Saint Helens sprung a leak at one point. I've done damage to both the environment and myself in the past. And yet, I have yet to truly learn my lesson. My outbursts are far less visible now for sure - typically happening as thoughts on possible future - but I have had times where it was less internal; where I feared it coming out. It ranges from something as (relatively) harmless as screaming at people, breaking something (minor or not; I broke a lot of pens when I was younger), or even just making a lot of senseless noise. Harmful as those can be, they are relatively harmless compared to some of the darker things that have come to mind.. And that's what scares me. The part of me that is willing to dish out slow, painful torture; the part that would be willing to mutilate the shell it resides in, to dig a knife into fatty flesh to cut it free.. It's the part of me that scared me the most when it drifted from harming just myself or others I had no access to; when it gave me an image of Runac, curled up and crying after her ears and tails were cut off; disfigured, mutilated. I try my best to keep that part of me locked away, chained down and muzzled to prevent it from speaking of things that would seem to many to be naught but poison. With it, regrettably, I have also trapped many of my other emotions; things that I should listen to, being perfectly reasonable teachers that have valuable lessons. Instead, I opt to listen to mere shadows of them; speaking at a whisper instead of the full, beautiful harmony that they are capable of.
Perhaps worst of all, I have taught myself, trained myself to associate that monster - that horrible creature that would leave me bloodied and crippled and all others around me in pain - with uncontrolled emotions overall. And so, they all get pushed back; only coming up as some lesser form or, more often and far worse, as some form of pain; sorrow, grief, regret, guilt.. And then the poison starts to seep into my thoughts, twisting what might otherwise be healthy (and quite temporary) emotions into anger, loathing, hate.. Most, if not all, aimed at myself. From there, the reaction feeds itself, spiraling down and dragging with it the good that I try to find in things. I reach for it, I see the faint glimmer of happiness.. Then, all too quickly, it is twisted, turned away.. Leaving me the shadow, the dark side, the "You could have done so much more" to the "I did pretty well". It tries to smother me, to blot out what little light I found. And, far too many times, I find myself too weak to fight it.. Perhaps even just letting it happen; blinding myself to the problem by passing it off as just venting. I've gotten better, to be sure.. But I still have yet to really manage to stop it completely.
Sometimes it even just appears from nowhere; the spark being nothing more than I start crying for no discernible reason.
In many cases, it abates after a time; I find something safe, something calming to distract me, to get me out of that spiral. Sometimes I manage to beat it.
Other times, it doesn't. It follows me, lurking in my mind as I fall asleep.. Or, as is more often the case, it keeps me up, keeps my mind running even past when I try to shut it off. I use physical things as an escape more than I should: Pain, food.. Things like that. Things that either focus my mind on something else or something to just try and drown it out with something tasty.. Or a comfort food.
Many times, I have found myself poking at people with far too much hope, hoping to get their attention for a time; trying to distract myself with virtual cuddles which, ironically enough, can make things worse.. Both with and without, as my brain dwells on loneliness..
I really need to learn how to deal with my feelings..
Typically, I cope; I drown them out with music, food, games.. Even the body's natural "What the hell is going on?" signals. It's not healthy, not in the slightest, but I don't think I ever truly learned how to do otherwise; never learned how to vent safely. Far too often, my attempts are met with things like "Count your blessings", "It could be worse", "Suck it up", or, worst of all, just a generic "Cheer up".. Things like those from sources both internal and external; which are far from being helpful.
Surprisingly, I've found, the best way I have to vent are things like this; writing out something that's on my mind, going into a semi-rant. It taps into much the same sort of calm I get when playing a good puzzle game.. That ability to step back, take a deep breath, and look at the situation from an external, almost detached viewpoint; to look at all the data available and come up with.. Well, something, solution or not. To just let words flow, poetic or not, about what thought is currently running through my skull (along with, in many cases, caffeine).
So, yeah. Pain was on my mind earlier, along with achy legs.
tl;dr version: I'm messed up in the head and you really should read all of it because this is a long tl;dr.
If you tl;dr'd on the above tl;dr.. I have nothing more to say to you. Shoo; to the top of the page with thee!
It's been this way for.. Well, nearly as long as I can recall. Be it nervous scratching, hitting my head on things (usually things that are quite hard), or even something as benign as gripping something a biit too hard. It's sad. It's a bad habit. It's something that I shouldn't even really consider to be an option. Yet I still do it. I still hurt myself, even going so far as to make myself bleed (Not anywhere that hasn't bled before, usually). I feel bad about it, sure. I recognise that it is something that I really shouldn't do. Yet, there's a part of me that relishes the pain, takes some form of solace in it; a part of me that enjoys the pain while it lasts.
Maybe it's me trying to feel something for a change. Likely, it's me trying to find something else, something more urgent to feel when I'm in some sort of distress. I know I shouldn't. I know that is a bad way to go about things. But I can't really say that I learned too many constructive ways to vent. I grew up being told by those around me to bottle, to stay quiet; to blend in, keep my head down, and be normal.
Anyone who knows the sort of stuff I like can probably tell you how well that ended up working.
The worst part of it, though, is that I (almost) never can bring myself to ask for help, to let people know that I'm hurting without them finding out on their own. I hide behind "Yeah, I'm alright", "Doing well enough", and quite a few other half-truths; I hide behind "Still breathing, so I must be fine" and "Nothing's broken" (which was actually untrue at one point in recent memory); "Still breathing" and others, simply using physical well-being and low benchmarks to keep people from worrying.
I've gotten really good at wearing masks.
I am of the belief (rightly or not) that logic tends to hold better answers than emotions most of the time; and believe me, it has helped. It kept my feet firmly on the ground when I (and others) needed it most. I find easy calm in logic, in programming and puzzles. I find it calming, letting emotions take a back seat as I focus on the problem at hand. This is healthy enough on its own - Far healthier than living life, wildly flailing atop the wild beast that emotions can be. The problem lies in leaving that beast - one's emotions - in a cage most of the time, only letting it roam when moods unlock the gate, or worse - When it careens right through the wall.
Saying that I have had a couple of outbursts is like saying that Mt. Saint Helens sprung a leak at one point. I've done damage to both the environment and myself in the past. And yet, I have yet to truly learn my lesson. My outbursts are far less visible now for sure - typically happening as thoughts on possible future - but I have had times where it was less internal; where I feared it coming out. It ranges from something as (relatively) harmless as screaming at people, breaking something (minor or not; I broke a lot of pens when I was younger), or even just making a lot of senseless noise. Harmful as those can be, they are relatively harmless compared to some of the darker things that have come to mind.. And that's what scares me. The part of me that is willing to dish out slow, painful torture; the part that would be willing to mutilate the shell it resides in, to dig a knife into fatty flesh to cut it free.. It's the part of me that scared me the most when it drifted from harming just myself or others I had no access to; when it gave me an image of Runac, curled up and crying after her ears and tails were cut off; disfigured, mutilated. I try my best to keep that part of me locked away, chained down and muzzled to prevent it from speaking of things that would seem to many to be naught but poison. With it, regrettably, I have also trapped many of my other emotions; things that I should listen to, being perfectly reasonable teachers that have valuable lessons. Instead, I opt to listen to mere shadows of them; speaking at a whisper instead of the full, beautiful harmony that they are capable of.
Perhaps worst of all, I have taught myself, trained myself to associate that monster - that horrible creature that would leave me bloodied and crippled and all others around me in pain - with uncontrolled emotions overall. And so, they all get pushed back; only coming up as some lesser form or, more often and far worse, as some form of pain; sorrow, grief, regret, guilt.. And then the poison starts to seep into my thoughts, twisting what might otherwise be healthy (and quite temporary) emotions into anger, loathing, hate.. Most, if not all, aimed at myself. From there, the reaction feeds itself, spiraling down and dragging with it the good that I try to find in things. I reach for it, I see the faint glimmer of happiness.. Then, all too quickly, it is twisted, turned away.. Leaving me the shadow, the dark side, the "You could have done so much more" to the "I did pretty well". It tries to smother me, to blot out what little light I found. And, far too many times, I find myself too weak to fight it.. Perhaps even just letting it happen; blinding myself to the problem by passing it off as just venting. I've gotten better, to be sure.. But I still have yet to really manage to stop it completely.
Sometimes it even just appears from nowhere; the spark being nothing more than I start crying for no discernible reason.
In many cases, it abates after a time; I find something safe, something calming to distract me, to get me out of that spiral. Sometimes I manage to beat it.
Other times, it doesn't. It follows me, lurking in my mind as I fall asleep.. Or, as is more often the case, it keeps me up, keeps my mind running even past when I try to shut it off. I use physical things as an escape more than I should: Pain, food.. Things like that. Things that either focus my mind on something else or something to just try and drown it out with something tasty.. Or a comfort food.
Many times, I have found myself poking at people with far too much hope, hoping to get their attention for a time; trying to distract myself with virtual cuddles which, ironically enough, can make things worse.. Both with and without, as my brain dwells on loneliness..
I really need to learn how to deal with my feelings..
Typically, I cope; I drown them out with music, food, games.. Even the body's natural "What the hell is going on?" signals. It's not healthy, not in the slightest, but I don't think I ever truly learned how to do otherwise; never learned how to vent safely. Far too often, my attempts are met with things like "Count your blessings", "It could be worse", "Suck it up", or, worst of all, just a generic "Cheer up".. Things like those from sources both internal and external; which are far from being helpful.
Surprisingly, I've found, the best way I have to vent are things like this; writing out something that's on my mind, going into a semi-rant. It taps into much the same sort of calm I get when playing a good puzzle game.. That ability to step back, take a deep breath, and look at the situation from an external, almost detached viewpoint; to look at all the data available and come up with.. Well, something, solution or not. To just let words flow, poetic or not, about what thought is currently running through my skull (along with, in many cases, caffeine).
So, yeah. Pain was on my mind earlier, along with achy legs.
tl;dr version: I'm messed up in the head and you really should read all of it because this is a long tl;dr.
If you tl;dr'd on the above tl;dr.. I have nothing more to say to you. Shoo; to the top of the page with thee!
YCH (Partially mine)
Posted 10 years ago
servo117 has posted a YCH that was commissioned by me a little while back.There are 6(!) slots open for the taking.
The submission is here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16771651/
Bidding ends on the fourteenth!
Signal boosting, yay!
Posted 11 years agoSo, 
willowpheonix is doing a daily commission sale thing here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6418847/
Go check them out! From what I can tell, they have decently high-quality art that's quite affordable.
willowpheonix is doing a daily commission sale thing here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6418847/Go check them out! From what I can tell, they have decently high-quality art that's quite affordable.
Stream Stuff! (Not Mine)
Posted 11 years ago
crystalwhisker is streaming (for real this time!)NSFW stream, more likely than not.
Stream: https://join.me/this-too-shall-pass
More Info: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/15067767/
Just a thing..
Posted 11 years ago-opens her arms, tilting her head to the side some as she offers hugs and cuddles?-
Also, as an aside.. Been a bit of a bored fen as of late.. Feel free to poke me on Steam or Skype, just say that you're from FA. :3
Also, as an aside.. Been a bit of a bored fen as of late.. Feel free to poke me on Steam or Skype, just say that you're from FA. :3
There's something I need to get off my chest..
Posted 11 years agoA life unloved is a life not worth living.
These words came to mind on the bus ride home today, and I have to say, nothing rang truer than that phrase for me.. Nothing in a long while.
And this is meant in the sense of 'Love what you do, love yourself, and love your life; If something is wrong, find out what and change it!'
And the reason why this rang true is because I am at that point right now. Don't get me wrong, life is good for me right now! I have a great computer (from a birthday present), I'm doing well in school (college, yay), I'm a lot healthier than I have been in a while.. I'm mentally stable, I have good food to eat, and friends and family that care for me, and are willing to be there when I'm not feeling well.
So, in sound mind and a good mood, I say this: I am not comfortable with the body I inhabit.
Most of you know me as Runac, the cloneable, apple-flavored, electric-powered, and gender-shifting (Though holding steady as a herm for the moment) fennec that loves to cuddle everyone. That is not the real me.. Not right now.
I am socially awkward, far to distant at times and far to close at others. I have a bad memory, I am a bit overweight, and I have breathing troubles, which aren't so bad at the moment. But, importantly, I..
-sighs softly-
I don't feel that I am my ideal. Sure, I could stand to lose weight, work out, and actually take my asthma meds to help even more that being wheat-free is, but that's not where my greatest quarrel lies.
It lies in my gender, surprisingly. I have, at many times, felt that strange kind of feeling where you know that you're missing something, somehow. I know that it may simply be me wishing to be more like my 'sona, but at the same time, I realize that I am merely content with how I am. I am merely used to the body I am in, and that is where the internal conflict arises from. I know that such a change would never be easy, and even typing this, I have that little bit of doubt gnawing away at me, saying that everything is alright as it is. But, as I was sitting on the bus and walking the half mile from the bus stop to home, I knew. I knew that this was something to talk about, something to bring up with others. I knew this was important, because this wasn't a feeling that was a phase at all. It was there, it was somewhat constant.. And it's still here now.
A large part of me is saying to think it over more, to give it time. It has always said that, and I always listened. I'm ignoring it now, though.. Listening to my muse, my heart, and the rest of my mind. I.. I don't feel entirely comfortable as male right now, I honestly don't. You would never tell, what with how I dress (always in pants, never in anything all that outgoing), but..
I feel right saying this, both on the way home and now. I feel calmer, getting this off my chest, letting this weight drop off my back for the time.
I really am curious what everyone else thinks of this, simply because I.. I want to know what others have to say. The best eyes for looking at yourself are never your own, and I feel that no words are better suited for offering advice on the subject right now.
These words came to mind on the bus ride home today, and I have to say, nothing rang truer than that phrase for me.. Nothing in a long while.
And this is meant in the sense of 'Love what you do, love yourself, and love your life; If something is wrong, find out what and change it!'
And the reason why this rang true is because I am at that point right now. Don't get me wrong, life is good for me right now! I have a great computer (from a birthday present), I'm doing well in school (college, yay), I'm a lot healthier than I have been in a while.. I'm mentally stable, I have good food to eat, and friends and family that care for me, and are willing to be there when I'm not feeling well.
So, in sound mind and a good mood, I say this: I am not comfortable with the body I inhabit.
Most of you know me as Runac, the cloneable, apple-flavored, electric-powered, and gender-shifting (Though holding steady as a herm for the moment) fennec that loves to cuddle everyone. That is not the real me.. Not right now.
I am socially awkward, far to distant at times and far to close at others. I have a bad memory, I am a bit overweight, and I have breathing troubles, which aren't so bad at the moment. But, importantly, I..
-sighs softly-
I don't feel that I am my ideal. Sure, I could stand to lose weight, work out, and actually take my asthma meds to help even more that being wheat-free is, but that's not where my greatest quarrel lies.
It lies in my gender, surprisingly. I have, at many times, felt that strange kind of feeling where you know that you're missing something, somehow. I know that it may simply be me wishing to be more like my 'sona, but at the same time, I realize that I am merely content with how I am. I am merely used to the body I am in, and that is where the internal conflict arises from. I know that such a change would never be easy, and even typing this, I have that little bit of doubt gnawing away at me, saying that everything is alright as it is. But, as I was sitting on the bus and walking the half mile from the bus stop to home, I knew. I knew that this was something to talk about, something to bring up with others. I knew this was important, because this wasn't a feeling that was a phase at all. It was there, it was somewhat constant.. And it's still here now.
A large part of me is saying to think it over more, to give it time. It has always said that, and I always listened. I'm ignoring it now, though.. Listening to my muse, my heart, and the rest of my mind. I.. I don't feel entirely comfortable as male right now, I honestly don't. You would never tell, what with how I dress (always in pants, never in anything all that outgoing), but..
I feel right saying this, both on the way home and now. I feel calmer, getting this off my chest, letting this weight drop off my back for the time.
I really am curious what everyone else thinks of this, simply because I.. I want to know what others have to say. The best eyes for looking at yourself are never your own, and I feel that no words are better suited for offering advice on the subject right now.
Feeling wonky and bleh..
Posted 11 years agoGuess I might as well do a slight update here - I am on a proper desktop now, have been since late December.
Considering putting Callista Greene (http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12324577/) up for sale/adoption, will have to see..
Life's going so-so..
Just having a crappy day, mostly. If anyone wants to talk, my Skype is in the little box that has contact info in it. Should show up as Runac, Washington State.
Just.. Having (another) one of those days where I really want to cuddle with someone, but can't since I don't really know anyone around here that'd be up to that.
-sighs- If you want to add me on Skype, feel free to. If you're in Washington, even better.. Not sure how much better, but better all the same.
-offers hugs to everyone- And sorry if it takes me a while to respond, I might have ended up just heading to sleep - But I do have a wonky sleep schedule, so I should get to everyone who adds me on there, provided Skype doesn't act up..
Considering putting Callista Greene (http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12324577/) up for sale/adoption, will have to see..
Life's going so-so..
Just having a crappy day, mostly. If anyone wants to talk, my Skype is in the little box that has contact info in it. Should show up as Runac, Washington State.
Just.. Having (another) one of those days where I really want to cuddle with someone, but can't since I don't really know anyone around here that'd be up to that.
-sighs- If you want to add me on Skype, feel free to. If you're in Washington, even better.. Not sure how much better, but better all the same.
-offers hugs to everyone- And sorry if it takes me a while to respond, I might have ended up just heading to sleep - But I do have a wonky sleep schedule, so I should get to everyone who adds me on there, provided Skype doesn't act up..
(Slightly) dead laptop
Posted 12 years agoJust figured I'd post this here so no-one worries too much.
One of the fans in my laptop died today, and it'll take about a week to get the part in.
So yeah, that's where I'll be.
One of the fans in my laptop died today, and it'll take about a week to get the part in.
So yeah, that's where I'll be.
DarthAislin Themed Raffle
Posted 12 years ago
DarthAislin is holding a female-only (Well, female character-only) raffle!Link: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5154869/
7$ Fully-Shaded Commissions!
Posted 12 years ago
hatarlaFree requests! From a new artist!
Posted 12 years ago
kaennKinky Story Requests!
Posted 12 years agohttp://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5130944/
More info here!
More info here!
RE6 Stream!
Posted 12 years ago
nero64
torachanHey, another raffle thing.
Posted 12 years agoMight not be suitable for all tastes, but ehh. Linking it anyways because three chances are better than none. :P
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4904056/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4904056/
T-Shirt contest - Game art and stuff!
Posted 12 years agoAand.. Yet another raffle.
Posted 12 years agoFree porn stuff!
Posted 12 years agoYes, I know, I'm terrible.
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4891593/
[EDIT] All slots have filled up now.
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4891593/
[EDIT] All slots have filled up now.
Raffle for the first batch of a new species! [EDIT]
Posted 12 years agoLook over here for it: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4904604
[EDIT: Changed the link to work again.]
[EDIT: Changed the link to work again.]
Art Raffle thing, again!
Posted 12 years agoCustom GENIEE Adopt Raffle!
Posted 12 years agohttp://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4872259/
The information on them is in the journal. At 50 entries, there will be a second given.
Go, my minions!
..Wait, since when did I have minions?
The information on them is in the journal. At 50 entries, there will be a second given.
Go, my minions!
..Wait, since when did I have minions?
Random Ranting
Posted 12 years agoFinally, a journal that's not pointing to art raffles I want to be in. :P
Deciding to type this up because I'm having (yet another) hard time sleeping at half past 2 in the morning. And sorry if this seems a bit odd in some way, but there's no need to read it in that case.
Ever have those times when you just feel, for lack of a better word, broken? When you have those fun moments of being all hyper, yet having nothing that you can think of to apply that energy to? Being all mopey, but having it come out as trying to be overly cuddly to just about everyone you meet?
Yeah. That's me right now. Hurting (emotionally, in some ways), going insane, and desperately trying to find some form of companionship that my commitment-shy brain can deal with. Add in a lack of meds, a bit of hunger due to eating issues, and a touch of lifelong sleeplessness, and you have all the problems, wrapped up into this nice little highly combustible and yet incredibly inert package. Kinda like a cat, oddly enough.*
One of the things I do so often is try to get Skype names to poke and chat at (and cuddle at, given the chance!).. And I know I do it out of some hopeless want to try to make friends in some way, despite never talking to most of them and being irritatingly nosey to the few I do chat with. I just..
Ugh. This is coming out horribly. But this is what I wanted to d, so ehh. You get to hear out my thoughts, in a way.
I guess this is a cry for help, in a way. Trying to get people to talk with, to try to stave off the monsters that I know lurk in my head, to try to get myself to not focus on the bad, the negative, the horrible half-truths that I tell myself, then end up curled up in bed crying. Trying to have something for my brain to do while it's running at a thousand miles per hour to keep it from going on about meat bicycles, bacon, zit cannons, and odd 'what-ifs' that will never be real.
I have, on a quick glance, 115 games on Steam, and who knows how many more lurking around my computer. I may have one or two that I keep going back to, but the rest just sit there gathering dust between 20-minute play sessions before I get bored with them again. I avoid watching movies because I overwatched the ones I liked, and all too often I tend to look past the presentation and see the gears, roadies, and stage crew behind it, arranging the tropes of characters, plots, and scenes in away to please the masses.
I see so much in the world that has been missed, all the chances that humans give up, all the pain and suffering that could be helped if people stopped being as self-centered as the species grew up being. I have aggression that wants to be free in some way, but is chained by reasoning, along with all the other feels that I tend to have. I feel like I'm always being fake, always trying to be that quiet, non-confrontational person when I need to take some sort of charge.
I'm too scared to try to try new things, too stubborn to change my flawed ways, and am at that horribly worrying point of apathy regarding things that I really should be worried about.
I always advise doing things that I don't, try to make logical connections with things that I know little of, try to empathize with things that I could never know.
All of this, all of the fake that I feel I am, and for what? So I can try to look better for everyone? So I can put this stupid little half-grin on, telling the world that I'm alright when inside I want to scream? One of the problems I have is that I never know when or how to ask for help - Partly because I never learned. I never felt comfortable asking for help because I felt it would be a sign of weakness that other humans would exploit. For the most part, I didn't need to ask for help in the past. And now that things have crumbled, been partly fixed, buried under a mountain of trash and lies, then dug out again, the only thing that's clear is that I still haven't learned my gorram lesson.
I try to make people happy when I can't find anything to smile at myself. I try to help them feel better when I know that I'm on the verge of falling apart. I try to help them with problems when I have way too many of my own. I offer my shoulder to cry on for people, I try to be strong, but there's always a day in the near future when I try to cry, but I have no tears left. I try to help people with getting out of depressive ruts when I myself am in far deeper than they are. My priorities are screwed up five different ways to Sunday, and I never try to fix them.
I try to be all cute and loving, but my heart's just not there. I think it got locked away back in early elementary school after an embarrassing moment on Valentine's Day. I honestly don't think I have the ability to truly love anymore.
I felt nothing when Chubby, one of our cats died. Neither did I feel much when my grandmother died. When Spooks, our other cat died. I felt a bit of worry when my cat ran away, but my logic brain kicked in and told me that he's in a better place.. Hopefully another home that has a cat. I probably won't feel a thing when Max, the dog that grew up with me, will die in the coming year.
I can't bring myself to shed a tear in the face of loss, and I can't stand that. It makes me feel angry, really. Angry at myself for being such a piss-poor example of a human being.
I won't lie. There have been many times when I have had thoughts of either horribly mutilating or killing myself. Be it as dramatic as jumping off a building or cutting my stomach open or as low-key as snapping my own neck, I do have those thoughts from time to time when my thoughts get out of control. I've had several thoughts recently regarding financial matters that I'd be more valuable dead than alive. I'm at that worrying point where I've just stopped caring. Don't get me wrong, I'll still try to keep myself alive, but I don't care if I get hit by a car, shot by someone robbing me, or poisoned by something that I ate.
I feel that I've seen enough of this world already.. Enough of the pain around me, related to me or not. Enough of the hate of people towards others. Enough of the same, all-too-human flaws I see in myself. I try to lose myself in other things, try to find interesting things to smile at or thing about, but I've trained myself to not be able to just let go.
I honestly don't really know why I bother anymore.. Why I keep trying to keep looking up, keep myself standing, keep moving forwards. So says one part of my mind. The other just keeps on droning through life, a few steps at a time. I don't really have anywhere left that I want to keep going to, but I keep moving anyways. I find myself at a bit of a loss.. I am all-too-skilled at suppressing all the feels I have, I can't bring myself to love or to commit.. Heck, I can't even get any real pleasure from anything sexual, I just do it as a habit and getting rid of an itch. Sorry for the slight TMI there, but I just had to mention that at some point in here.
This journal might not see the light of day - I might, like so many other things, decide that I'd better not post this, but if you're seeing it, well, you know how I chose.
I'm not asking for any sympathy, not asking for any kind of handouts.. Not asking for love, nor an answer for the ever-question of 'Why?'. All I want is for you to listen to this. To just hear me out in a bit of a rambling attempt at trying to put myself out there, all of the unneeded large amount of me that there is.
And now I'm drawing a blank on what to put here next, as that last bit was kinda finishing material. And for those of you that wanted to get to the summary/TL;DR section, go back up. I really want you to read this if you are up to it.
I suppose that the only thing left that I can ask, really, is for help.. Even just one person that could find a way to fix the broken feels. Knowing my luck, though..
Ehh. Also, the last bit was written at the top when I was in a slightly better mood.
*This is a disclaimer: I do not suggest lighting cats on fire. In any way. Unless they are actually immune to fire damage.
Deciding to type this up because I'm having (yet another) hard time sleeping at half past 2 in the morning. And sorry if this seems a bit odd in some way, but there's no need to read it in that case.
Ever have those times when you just feel, for lack of a better word, broken? When you have those fun moments of being all hyper, yet having nothing that you can think of to apply that energy to? Being all mopey, but having it come out as trying to be overly cuddly to just about everyone you meet?
Yeah. That's me right now. Hurting (emotionally, in some ways), going insane, and desperately trying to find some form of companionship that my commitment-shy brain can deal with. Add in a lack of meds, a bit of hunger due to eating issues, and a touch of lifelong sleeplessness, and you have all the problems, wrapped up into this nice little highly combustible and yet incredibly inert package. Kinda like a cat, oddly enough.*
One of the things I do so often is try to get Skype names to poke and chat at (and cuddle at, given the chance!).. And I know I do it out of some hopeless want to try to make friends in some way, despite never talking to most of them and being irritatingly nosey to the few I do chat with. I just..
Ugh. This is coming out horribly. But this is what I wanted to d, so ehh. You get to hear out my thoughts, in a way.
I guess this is a cry for help, in a way. Trying to get people to talk with, to try to stave off the monsters that I know lurk in my head, to try to get myself to not focus on the bad, the negative, the horrible half-truths that I tell myself, then end up curled up in bed crying. Trying to have something for my brain to do while it's running at a thousand miles per hour to keep it from going on about meat bicycles, bacon, zit cannons, and odd 'what-ifs' that will never be real.
I have, on a quick glance, 115 games on Steam, and who knows how many more lurking around my computer. I may have one or two that I keep going back to, but the rest just sit there gathering dust between 20-minute play sessions before I get bored with them again. I avoid watching movies because I overwatched the ones I liked, and all too often I tend to look past the presentation and see the gears, roadies, and stage crew behind it, arranging the tropes of characters, plots, and scenes in away to please the masses.
I see so much in the world that has been missed, all the chances that humans give up, all the pain and suffering that could be helped if people stopped being as self-centered as the species grew up being. I have aggression that wants to be free in some way, but is chained by reasoning, along with all the other feels that I tend to have. I feel like I'm always being fake, always trying to be that quiet, non-confrontational person when I need to take some sort of charge.
I'm too scared to try to try new things, too stubborn to change my flawed ways, and am at that horribly worrying point of apathy regarding things that I really should be worried about.
I always advise doing things that I don't, try to make logical connections with things that I know little of, try to empathize with things that I could never know.
All of this, all of the fake that I feel I am, and for what? So I can try to look better for everyone? So I can put this stupid little half-grin on, telling the world that I'm alright when inside I want to scream? One of the problems I have is that I never know when or how to ask for help - Partly because I never learned. I never felt comfortable asking for help because I felt it would be a sign of weakness that other humans would exploit. For the most part, I didn't need to ask for help in the past. And now that things have crumbled, been partly fixed, buried under a mountain of trash and lies, then dug out again, the only thing that's clear is that I still haven't learned my gorram lesson.
I try to make people happy when I can't find anything to smile at myself. I try to help them feel better when I know that I'm on the verge of falling apart. I try to help them with problems when I have way too many of my own. I offer my shoulder to cry on for people, I try to be strong, but there's always a day in the near future when I try to cry, but I have no tears left. I try to help people with getting out of depressive ruts when I myself am in far deeper than they are. My priorities are screwed up five different ways to Sunday, and I never try to fix them.
I try to be all cute and loving, but my heart's just not there. I think it got locked away back in early elementary school after an embarrassing moment on Valentine's Day. I honestly don't think I have the ability to truly love anymore.
I felt nothing when Chubby, one of our cats died. Neither did I feel much when my grandmother died. When Spooks, our other cat died. I felt a bit of worry when my cat ran away, but my logic brain kicked in and told me that he's in a better place.. Hopefully another home that has a cat. I probably won't feel a thing when Max, the dog that grew up with me, will die in the coming year.
I can't bring myself to shed a tear in the face of loss, and I can't stand that. It makes me feel angry, really. Angry at myself for being such a piss-poor example of a human being.
I won't lie. There have been many times when I have had thoughts of either horribly mutilating or killing myself. Be it as dramatic as jumping off a building or cutting my stomach open or as low-key as snapping my own neck, I do have those thoughts from time to time when my thoughts get out of control. I've had several thoughts recently regarding financial matters that I'd be more valuable dead than alive. I'm at that worrying point where I've just stopped caring. Don't get me wrong, I'll still try to keep myself alive, but I don't care if I get hit by a car, shot by someone robbing me, or poisoned by something that I ate.
I feel that I've seen enough of this world already.. Enough of the pain around me, related to me or not. Enough of the hate of people towards others. Enough of the same, all-too-human flaws I see in myself. I try to lose myself in other things, try to find interesting things to smile at or thing about, but I've trained myself to not be able to just let go.
I honestly don't really know why I bother anymore.. Why I keep trying to keep looking up, keep myself standing, keep moving forwards. So says one part of my mind. The other just keeps on droning through life, a few steps at a time. I don't really have anywhere left that I want to keep going to, but I keep moving anyways. I find myself at a bit of a loss.. I am all-too-skilled at suppressing all the feels I have, I can't bring myself to love or to commit.. Heck, I can't even get any real pleasure from anything sexual, I just do it as a habit and getting rid of an itch. Sorry for the slight TMI there, but I just had to mention that at some point in here.
This journal might not see the light of day - I might, like so many other things, decide that I'd better not post this, but if you're seeing it, well, you know how I chose.
I'm not asking for any sympathy, not asking for any kind of handouts.. Not asking for love, nor an answer for the ever-question of 'Why?'. All I want is for you to listen to this. To just hear me out in a bit of a rambling attempt at trying to put myself out there, all of the unneeded large amount of me that there is.
And now I'm drawing a blank on what to put here next, as that last bit was kinda finishing material. And for those of you that wanted to get to the summary/TL;DR section, go back up. I really want you to read this if you are up to it.
I suppose that the only thing left that I can ask, really, is for help.. Even just one person that could find a way to fix the broken feels. Knowing my luck, though..
Ehh. Also, the last bit was written at the top when I was in a slightly better mood.
*This is a disclaimer: I do not suggest lighting cats on fire. In any way. Unless they are actually immune to fire damage.
Porn raffle thing!
Posted 12 years agoLink here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4792206/
Good luck, anyone who wants to poke their nose in!
Good luck, anyone who wants to poke their nose in!
Video Game-themed raffle!
Posted 12 years agoJust meander on over here for a chance: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4760673/
Fair warning, only one copy of each game will be in the raffle.
Fair warning, only one copy of each game will be in the raffle.
Another raffle!
Posted 12 years agoAnd this time, everyone wins!
Being hosted by
RoxPaw here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4624678/
Being hosted by
RoxPaw here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4624678/