And for those that are curious I copied and pasted the letter they posted to everyone.


Holy hell is what I have to say. I can partially understand the mindset, because they're supposedly attempting to have people not work that don't have their main job to do right now, groomers and dog trainers, so they don't have to close stores. But at the same time with how they did it was very sneaky and underhanded. Either way I figure it's a double edged sword. Granted I don't want to be home and have to go on unemployment when so many are forced to stay home and be on it. Along with I don't believe the companies little fund would help as much as they claim. But at the same time it would mean that I would be safer. I do have a face masks that I can wear now, but they're only going to do so much. Along with more people have been coming out lately and a lot that don't care about what's going on still. But the other issue we're going to run into and a lot of other stores will have this problem now is we will be very short staffed. We lost a manager, dog trainer who would run register and the groomers were helping in the store as well. Sadly though one good thing in the whole situation is the manager that was furloughed was the one that's been causing me so much crap and caused me all those problems when I had that breakdown back in December. So frankly I laughed a little when I found out she's not going to be back in for a while now.

But I guess either way at least I have a job still during all of this, even if it ends up being my downfall. I just think either way the company is setting itself up for ruin one way or another at the end of all of this by not supporting or really protecting the employees that are still there.



Hi Team,
First, I want to thank you for all that you do. Your passion and knowledge for pets, focus on delivering excellent guest experiences, and agility to champion and execute change is like nothing I have seen in my career.
Together, we are navigating uncharted waters impacting the entire retail industry as a result of COVID-19. For Petco, we’re extremely fortunate to be recognized as an essential business. It is humbling to watch as you all have demonstrated drive and compassion to keep pets in our communities taken care of during these uncertain times. Unfortunately, despite our amazing efforts, we are not immune to the effects of this global crisis, and we have seen traffic and sales decrease significantly in our stores.
We can no longer continue to operate as we have so far. To ensure our ability to weather this storm, and come out of it even stronger, we’ve made some difficult partner decisions. These decisions were designed to minimize financial impact to individuals and protect the future of Petco and will impact the entire organization.
These changes will impact the entire organization. We are in this together. We are one Petco family.
On Monday, we announced that all support center partners will either be going on temporary rotating or extended furloughs, working reduced hours or taking temporary salary cuts. Ron himself will forgo 100% of his salary for the next 8 weeks, and all senior leaders will take a 25% pay cut for the same time period, including me.
Additionally, starting tomorrow, April 16th, several store partners will be placed on temporary furloughs, including various Dog Trainer roles, entry Guest Experience Specialists, and Selling Experience Leaders. Some grooming partners will also be furloughed based on the current status of their salon. Furloughed partners will continue to be employed by Petco, will maintain their current benefits coverage and may be eligible to apply for unemployment AND additional benefits offered by the Federal CARES act.
The impacts of COVID-19 are changing daily. We will continue to monitor business conditions with an owner mindset and make changes as this challenge evolves, with a goal of restoring normalcy as soon as possible. In the event a partners’ furlough period is shortened or extended, they will be notified by the company.
It is important for you to know we stand by and are committed to what we’ve built and executed over the past 18 months. We have a winning strategy and when this moment in time is over, we will accelerate our efforts to pick up where we left off. In fact, I know we will be better and stronger based on what we have learned and the resilience in all of us.
While these were incredibly difficult decisions, I want to reiterate – they are temporary, and we firmly believe this is a better alternative than closing stores or permanently laying off partners in these times of unprecedented uncertainty.
We are better together. We are #PetcoStrong

As much as it really shouldn't be or sound like a bad thing, I'm a bit frustrated with myself that I've been the one to contact a lot of people during all this crap that's been going on. I think I've only been contacted by like 1 or 2 others. But this just goes back to my whole thing on how I always did this before, but when it really came down to it no one would contact or seem like they wanted anything to do with me. I don't know, just venting. Along with being exhausted and frustrated with work at this point. Granted I'm at least semi glad to have a job at this point, but from what I've heard I could be making more in unemployment and my work isn't giving anyone any extra compensation for working during this. Along with now hours are getting cut so it's extra shitty.

I really didn't think it was that great. It really just felt like a semi more serious/realistic zootopia. Though as far as that movie went it really didn't impress me either. I mean some of the concepts in the Beastars seemed interesting, but that was about it for me. The whole series just felt too slow and awkward. It really just felt like one of those times where people in the fandom went, "oh look something that has more than typical anthropomorphic character in it! I have to love it!" Which is why I'll tend to despise things at times, because people in this fandom will get attracted to things almost because they feel they have to. I mean if you liked it it's pretty much whatever. I just wish people would like something because it's good and not because they almost feel like they have to like it because, "if I don't I'm going to be ostracized."

It still doesn't mean shit for Kep or myself. Because we are both still going to have to work either way. Unless they shut down his department or even change how things are working at his job. And I am having to still work as well and not getting any compensation for it as well. And with how all the idiots are in this area it won't matter with them either. Because I have constantly had people still coming in either just to look and waste time because they're bored still or still buying crap they don't need. Interested in buying a snake? Cool. Now is not the time stay away and stop coming out and possibly infecting people because you for some reason feel the need to have something else to care for at this time. Need a Pleco, because there's algae in your tank? Alright, whatever. Don't take care of it yourself or research why you might have too much algae growth in the first place.

Because of these people not only do I come into work each day now pissed, but the whole week I've been having mini panic attacks throughout the day. And they've only been getting worse. But it's been so bad, like I said because of people coming in still because they just need to shop, but because this area is just a bunch of white trash idiots that can't think. So it'll be people that are actually sick and possibly have it and they're still going out to shop because it's, " not that bad and they need this even though it's not necessary." I will be surprised if I don't get sick at this point and even if I don't get this crap that's spreading around I'll get something else or my body is just going to give out because of being so stressed all the time. x.x

So with all the crazy that's going on there's one thing that's still frustrating me. Well aside from how there are many people still being idiots and going out to shop for pointless crap like everything is normal.

But just on how a lot of posts or videos and such there's a lot of, "well since we're all stuck at home now." No, it's since "a lot of us are stuck at home now." People seem to glaze over the fact that a lot of people work retail and a lot of us are still out there having to be around everyone for most of the week. Hell even though my hours at work have been shortened I'm scheduled to be there the entire time the store is open. Granted I don't have to be a cashier up on register, but I still have to deal with all the idiots coming in to waste time because they're bored. I know everyone is stressed out and worried with all this going on. But it's one of those usual things where it's just, "I'm at home and I'm bored" and everything else. If you are find and your family is fine then stop bitching. You could be someone out working at the grocery stores or other places. Hell you could be some of the people in the medical field dealing up front with all this crap. So no not "everyone" is home during all of this. The only thing I feel very lucky about is that I don't have to work this weekend for whatever reason.

Well needless to say things are going to shit, though sadly I'm one of the people that's partially just rolling with it. In part because me dying is the least of my worries with things. But I don't think there have really been many issues in my area, but people are all too stupid to stay home and now shop. Pretty much like I told someone else, even though the government is telling people to stay home they've been programed too well by the government to be good little consumers and shop. So they're treating it like a snow storm and going out no matter what because they have nothing else to do.

Though onto my work. At this point we were notified yesterday that the stores are now going to be open from 10-6 until further notice. But I still have to be in tonight from 4-10 to work our truck that is still coming in. Though I was also told, and I'm wondering if this was a super secret employee thing, but who knows, but I was told that petco corporate is not at location and everyone is safe and comfy at home and "still working". My first response was just, wow. Though I shouldn't be surprised at all. Because, "they're more important that everyone else." My mangers excuse was, "well there's 600 or so people there, so if someone gets it it'll spread like fire through everyone." Yeah.....I deal with way more different people on a regular basis, that were also probably in contact with way many more different people. People at the stores are at a much higher risk than any of these stuck up idiots at the corporate level. And if this is true, and I really bet it is true, I have no more faith or trust for this company anymore and I hope they receive all the backlash that people can dish out to them. Because they deserve it. Granted that's also me being bitter about a lot of things anymore, but also all the bullshit that the CEO Ron likes to spew out, despite nothing changing for the better for the employees.

I figure at this point it's only a matter of time till someone gets sick at any of these stores and I hope they sue the crap out of them. Because no matter how much cleaning they expect us to do, while we're still doing our normal tasks and helping customers mind you, I really doubt it's going to do much to help anything. If anyone sick comes in, because come on it's going to happen they have to shop and they'll come in even if they're sick. So we'll see what happens. I think it'll get worse before it gets better, but mostly because of people and how they tend to be. Because again shopping programming, overriding their common sense that they don't really have either.

I know as usual this is like pissing into the wind, but it at least helps getting it out of my system.

For starters things got really bad last month, hell this past year has just been really bad all around. Though that mostly comes down to things sucking emotionally. Other things haven't been that bad for a change. But things really went to crap, as I figured they would, once I lost my husky. The week of Christmas I was having issues where I didn't sleep for several nights that week. And it was worse than some other nights where I'd just wake up a lot. It was more like I wasn't tired when I laid down, rolled around for a while and just stayed up the rest of the night in the living room. Along with dealing with people in general and shitty customers weren't helping either. Hell I had a semi regular customer come in the day before Christmas and act like a complete shit, because he feels entitled to discounts. So a few days after Christmas I told my direct manager that I may have to call off the next day to take a mental health day. And instead of actually acting concerned I got, "well shipments come in that day so you need to be here." Well I wasn't feeling better the next day, like I figure, but I knew I'd have to go in or I'd get yelled at. Not long after being there I had that one bad customer that kind of sent me over the edge. Went into the back into our back room and just cried. That's when she went back there and said I should go sit in the break room for a while or something. I knew it wouldn't do anything so I just went back to work. And then like I figured I got called into the office to have a talk with the store manager and the one under her. And like I figured it would be they pretty much treated me like I was in trouble. Mostly because they still expect people to talk to them when there's a problem, even if they don't really care or won't do anything about it. But they acted like it was a competition on who was having a bad week. Pretty much gave me the, "how dare you want to call off we've all had a bad week and management have had to work 6 days this week." And one of them even tried to give me the, "even if you don't believe me I do care about you and how you're feeling and even if you don't believe me I'll sleep better knowing that I told you."

The only thing that has helped was me being on vacation for the past ten days. As soon as I left the store I just felt relaxed, but later on yesterday it started sinking in again that I have to go back in on Wednesday and I began feeling the anxiety building up again. Even today I felt like I was going to freak out because I don't want to go back in and deal with everything again.

One thing I was joking about with my sister the other day was I should just find another job while I had off and not go back, but that wouldn't happen for several reasons. Either way that's still something I've thought about for a while now. But I might just end up screwing myself up more. I may end up with something that's just as bad or even something I don't like in the end. That and I'm the type that taking chances just never works out. People go off all the time about these people that have nothing or didn't know anything, but they've done this and that or whatever and now they're rich or something. But the problem is I know how fucked I'd be if I tried something like that and again it wouldn't work the same way with me. So I'm just kind of stuck and have to make the best of everything.

As far as me being stressed and everything I still go back to something else I've said a while ago. Even if people say to contact them or talk to them or whatever it still goes back to my whole thing before. I've gotten to a point where I don't tend to say anything to anyone unless they talk to me first. But even then I just feel awkward or something. There's one or two people that tell me to text them if something is going on or if I need to talk about something, but I either feel like a bother anymore if I do or I don't get much back from them. So either easier/better for me to just not say anything either way.

Yeah I have Kep, but it's one of those things where we only tend to discuss certain things and it's still just easier for me to talk to other people about certain things going on. I don't know, I just feel stuck anymore with everything. And even if I want to I still really feel like I can't trust anyone anymore. I've just gotten screwed over too many times and just feel too bitter about so much anymore.

I've been getting really tired of playing Destiny lately and been needing to focus on something else as far as games goes. So a few weeks back Kep and I got Iceborne and have been hopping back onto that game. I really forgot how fun it is. So we've been working on crawling through the story when we have time. Though it doesn't help when we get distracted by side quests as well. And I know I've mentioned this before, but I'm still looking for more people to do that sort of things with. Even if it is on Destiny or something else. Which I am on xbox and my gamer tag is on my profile. Though as I've said before when it comes to that sort of thing, if you add me let me know who you are. Otherwise I tend to just ignore/block adds. Because there's a lot of times where it ends up being a bot or something.

And it really doesn't feel like that at all. It still really feels like yesterday. But it's already been a year since I lost my husky and I've been playing the whole day from last year in my head all day. It really only got bad towards the end of work, but that was because it started to slow down and I had time to think on something other than work. Along with being tired now really doesn't help the situation either. And even though I'm as tired as I am after work I just don't want to try going to sleep. In part because I know if I try and go to sleep I'll just think more and keep picturing that morning in my head. And even if there wasn't anything that I could have done, I still blame myself for everything and that I couldn't save him. But it's because of how much he meant to me and he was always my best buddy and was there with me through everything. This is still one of those things where I feel like no matter how much time goes by I'm still really going to miss him and I'm even trying not to cry just typing this up. I still keep saying that it would have been great of Nanaki and Kiba could have met, because it would have been hilarious. And even though I miss him and I'm going to keep missing him I need to give Kiba a good life. I know there's no way I can do everything for him like I did with Nanaki, but that's because of a lot of circumstances.

I miss you bud and I wish you were still here.

I find it kind of funny that it's taken this to make a twitter account. But at the same time it's not for me and I won't be using it to talk to people or anything like that.

But yeah I ended up making Kiba a twitter account. Mostly to try and help spread around his go fund me better, but I know a lot of people do that sort of thing with their pets too.

But if you're interested in it and again if you can at least help spread around his Gofundme I'll put the link at the bottom here. Because the link for that is on the twitter account.

https://twitter.com/mochalatte_dog
https://twitter.com/mochalatte_dog
https://twitter.com/mochalatte_dog

This is one of those really few instances where one shitty thing happening offsets everything else in the day. Granted I had a bit of a shitty day either way. Had truck pushed a few days at work and said I'd come in to work on it this morning and was about as sore as I expected to be. But I got a few notifications on youtube about one of the accounts I follow. Apparently one of their huskies has been having issues for the past week or so and her kidney disease has taken a major turn for the worse. At this point they don't know how much longer they may have with her, so they're trying to make the best of it. It's also just barely a year after they already lost one of their group of three huskies. Along with, especially after a long early day at work, I end up really missing Naki still. So year hearing about all of that really sucked a lot.

So I've always tried to be that guy. Never smoked and barely drink, because it's not worth taking up any bad habits and screwing myself over anymore than I already am with things. Well around 3 months back I started taking cbd oil. Because, well I've had some people suggesting it for one thing or another. Mostly in part to try and get me a bit more relaxed and to see if it would help me sleep any better. Well the sleep part has been hit or miss as usual. But I wouldn't be surprised it's because of it getting as warm as it does, despite having an air conditioner in the bed room. Though I've been taking it orally and I've wanted to start using it for when I go into work as well to see if it helps me not want to murder people a little bit less.

A few weeks back I had gotten a vaper for Kep. He had been having major chest issues for the past two months or so now and I kept telling him he should at least try it. Because I've talked to a few people and they all said it helps them with pain, plus he's been used to using an e-cig, so it's not like it wouldn't be that different. The good thing is it has been helping a bit, so he's stuck with it. I think he had it about a week or so and I realized I needed more of my oral stuff, but said fuck it as well and ended buying one of the vapers myself and some oil for that instead. I keep telling Kep that I feel bad using it, especially since I've never done anything like that before, but at the same time it does help. For the most part is does help me to mellow out at least a small bit. It's still hit or miss if it helps me sleep, but again I've expected. But I have been taking it off and on while I'm at work and it does seem to help there, even if it's just a little bit. The one thing I find annoying, and I'm pretty sure it's not me, but depending on how much I'm using it I tend to get a lot more hungry than normal. But I know Kep wasn't that terribly surprised by that.

So I figure as long as it's going to keep helping me, even just a little, I may as well keep using it.

Everything is just some giant stupid uphill battle and even when I think I'm getting ahead I just get knocked back down again. A few years back I thought it was as bad as it was going to get, but it seems like things can somehow keep finding a way to get worse. I knew in some way or another things were going to be bad for me personally once I lost Naki, but things just seem to be worse than I could have predicted.

Well today was another one of those instances. As some know I got screwed over some months back on a promotion because I didn't need anymore stress and keeping an eye on Naki was precedence over everything else. So it was given to someone else that's just squandering it and I'm doing all their work without the extra pay. I was told earlier that my old store in Mechanicsburg was loosing the person that was in that same position. I know the guy that's in charge of that store now, "knew" him when he worked at a pet shop years back and worked with him for a time at that Petco before I moved, and he offered me the position. Which would be great, I could get the hell away from the store I'm working at now, get paid more and stop having to deal with all the white trash in this area. And there's the fucking problem, not counting in traffic it would be an hour drive at minimum there and back. They would also not be covering the amount of gas that I would be using to get there and back. Along with there is no feasible way that I'd be able to move back up there and be able to keep living. Hell with any of the extra money I would be making it would just end up going to gas anyways, so I wouldn't be gaining anything from it and in the long run it would cost me more to do it. And that's not just thinking about how my car would break down quicker with having to drive so much. So of course once again there's is a nice prize dangled in front of me, but at the same time there's no possible way of getting it without having to deal with a slew of problems.

This is why I have to laugh at people that say things and life get better over time. The only way that happens is if you're very lucky or have money. Hell it's part of the reason I kind of despise popularity. I've seen it time and time again where, even if the person doesn't deserve it, will be able to get back on their feet or get ahead just because they have a bunch of mindless followers. I still think back on years back there was a whole thing where two people were trying to get moved together so they didn't have to be apart anymore. All these strings were pulled and tons of money way raised for them to help out. Me on the other hand I barely got any help because regular people don't matter, I don't matter.

I just don't know how much longer I can keep going on or keep doing all of this. I've pretty much reached and passed my breaking point. It's just going to end up taking that one day and it'll be all over.

This is something I'm coming across a lot more often now that I own Kiba. Granted I had it a bit with Naki, but nothing this bad. Though with him it was mostly people telling me he's going to take off it he went off leash or he was going to kill small animals. Granted he did try to roam when he was really little, but since I was living on a farm at the time there was plenty of room to not have to worry about it. Plus after a while he learned to stick around. But like I said with Kiba I'm getting a lot more crap. But it's not like I jumped into getting either of these breeds without thinking. I researched both of them a good bit before actually getting either of them so I knew what I was doing.

So even after reading into Akitas I ran into the trap myself. They're strong willed dogs, protective, don't get along with other people and other dogs and they get big. I honestly a bit nervous getting a dog like him, but at the same time I figured we could handle it one way or another. Once we got him and I started taking him out to places I'd get slightly nervous, again from what I've read and people kept trying to tall me.

But after that I pretty quickly said fuck it to all of that. Because that honestly seems like the trap that a lot of people fall into when it comes to certain breeds. People say one thing or another about a breed and people seem to just get stuck on it that it's how the breed is supposed to be and you can't change anything about it. Yeah certain things like both these breeds being stubborn and hard headed isn't something you can really change. But Kiba being a certain way towards other dogs and people I can. So as often as I can I'll take him out to the pet shops in our area and just walk him around for a while. Along with taking him to the park I always took Naki to. Granted it's a bit of a drive, but it's always been worth it. So now he's 7 months old, already 75 lbs and still just a huge baby. He doesn't really care if people come over to the house, aside from a quick protective bark when he hears someone knocking. Once I take him into any of the stores he just instantly does his airplane ears and wiggles his butt like crazy at the site of anyone. Along with when he sees other dogs he starts pitching a fit because he wants to go over and play with them badly. And yet I'm still getting crap from people that, "oh he's just a puppy still, just wait till he gets older." and I just laugh at them. People need to realize that just because they think a dog is going to be a certain way doesn't mean anything. Hell once he's an adult I plan on taking plenty of videos of him playing with other dogs and being around other people. Because I found someone on youtube that has one and "trains" dogs and claims that, "Akitas are like loaded guns, you don't know when they're going to go off and you can't have them around other dogs."

So yeah things have been going well with him so far. As I said he's already roughly 75lbs at 7 months and is healing up from having his baby tooth removed and from getting neutered the other week.

Just figured I'd atrempt to throw this out there. But I've surprisingly gotten a bit hooked on the game. It's been the only BR game that I've actually tried and it's in part because I always liked playing the Titanfall games. So I figured I'd attempt to see if there are any others that play it on the xbox that needs another to play with.

https://patch.com/utah/salt-lake-ci.....ear-old-s-hand

I had a customer a few days ago tell me about this whole situation. So of course I had to look it up myself since I didn't really believe it. And needless to say I just shook my head the entire time reading it. Yeah sucks this whole thing happened to the kid, but it's also largely that his parents are shitty enough they weren't paying attention to him to let this happen. If you let your 4 year old kid alone in their back yard you're lucky the kid doesn't kill themselves on any number of things. But with how I am I'm just really hoping that the dogs don't get put down because of all of this. Though I wouldn't be surprised if they are, because god forbid the parents are actually held accountable for not keeping an eye on their child and letting this happen.

I thought I had done something like this at some point or another, but I don't see one anywhere so I guess not. Plus I was told not to come into work today because of this possible snow. So I guess before I attempt to go back to bed I may as well put this up.

The quick and simple bit of it at this point is I'm alive. Don't feel very much alive at most points, but I'm alive. Ever since Naki died my sleeping habits have gotten even worse. When I work morning shifts I seem to barely sleep at all and tend to wake up almost continuously. Days I have off or can sleep in typically aren't much better. I know part of it is a mental thing for when I have to wake up early in the morning. Because when I can sleep in I typically don't wake up as often and sleep aids sometimes help, but I still tend to be pretty tired when I wake up on those days. So most days I just tend to be exhausted for one reason or another. Which is part of the reason as to why, aside from the handful of things I typically need to take care of during the day, I just tend to sit around most days and don't do much of anything. Though going around most days with a almost constant feel of depression doesn't help anything.

Work has been, well work. Though that's another area that I pretty much just feel stuck in. Despite what they try saying or doing Petco isn't any better then most other companies out there. This guy that's in charge now I'm not holding my breath on actually knowing what he's doing or that he's going to majorly improve the company. Mostly because he's only been focusing on 2-3 things on the stores and pretty much ignoring the other areas like they don't exist. Yeah I know there's a lot more to running a company then I know and whatnot, but at the same time they guy keeps trying to spew all this crap about including everyone and building a better company. Though ignoring a whole section of your workforce, forcing us to learn and do even more crap and not compensating anyone is just crap. Hell I've brought up multiple times on our network of updates from the company that people can make as much or more working at walmart and they don't really have to know how to do much of anything. Though that's also why I found it funny he wanted employees to go on glassdoor and write reviews of the company and how he's doing. Which I gladly did, since after being with the company for close to 7 years now I had plenty to say one way or another. Of course the guy claims to read all the reviews and comments people leave to him, but I'm calling bullshit on that.

But all of that has unsurprisingly stonewalled me at work and I wouldn't be surprised if it was permanent this time. So going back some months ago at this point we were still looking around for another person to run the department. I had been still tossing the idea around in my head, mostly because of being able to get more money and I'm mostly doing the job anyways, but at the same time I would just be used more by the people at the store and treated even more shitty by the company in general. But that was also the time when everything was beginning with Naki, so there was no way I was going to be working more and taking on even more stress while I was trying to take care of him and make sure he was alright. Not long after that a bunch of stupid crap happened that didn't make things any easier. One of our groomers was going to leave, but with how my gm tends to be with certain people she offered her $12 an hour to stay, which was much more then most of the people were getting there that had been working there for much longer. She had been working for the company for only a year and was only 22 and she was already making more then me despite working at the company and in general much longer. But because the gm liked her it was just handed to her. At some point around then as well they were going to hire some other girl on as my department manager. Well that fell through because she was an idiot and lied about what she knew to try and get the position. At the same time they had to do something to make sense of giving the groomer a new position and that kind of pay. My options were either to take a Senior Aquatics Specialist position or the sub manager position that the other guy I work with has. Well the second one I wasn't interested in with how things tended to work. I'd get another position and with a little bit of a pay bump, but I'd have to deal with a lot more crap and have to do my other job. Despite it not being my job anymore. So I had taken the first option, mostly because how my store works I'm already doing that job anyways. So I'd be getting a good pay bump for something I'm already doing. Well also because of how the company tends to be that fell apart. I was promised and told about a pay raise, but our store isn't allowed to have that position so I was pretty much shit on. I think this was a little before I lost Naki, but I had talked to our gm again about taking the department manager position. Told her how I was feeling on all of it, but it was pretty much my only chance to move up and I unfortunately needed to be making more money for one reason or another. But once again I was shit on. The groomer was given the second position I was offered and I got stuck back to where I was.

Fast forward a few months and I keep hearing whispers, they were trying to keep it quiet, but they were going to give that groomer the department manager position. Unsurprisingly it's typically how things worked at my store. If you're liked they will pretty much give you anything you want. I honestly don't even believe they were ever going to give me the position. They were just going to use my name to shut the district manager up so he'd stop asking about filling the spot. Well all this has done is make things just that much more miserable. She's essentially gone and stabbed both me and the other guy in the department, because she quickly became part of the cool kids club and kisses ass with all the other managers now. Also on the note with the review I left on glassdoor, our gm randomly decided to scour the site and found my review left on there. She then proceeded to flip out on the groomer about how dare I do that and all this other crap. And then flipped out again when she found out I was told about it. So like I said I feel like I'm pretty much stonewalled at this place now. Though at the same time I keep wondering if I'd somehow be able to create some sort of harassment lawsuit or something like it against the store and company. But a lot of that I think is just some sort of daydreaming that some of the bullshit that I've dealt with in life could be brought to justice.

The last little bit is mostly on bringing Kiba into our lives. We've had him for almost two months at this point already. When we got him I didn't expect to actually get him or so soon. The usual thing happened when I started getting serious about it. I had found another dog, but the people running the ad online were stupid/lazy and decided to not mark off that certain puppies were already adopted. Well a few days after that Kep was looking around and found some more, including Kiba, that caught our eye. He called the people and set up an appointment, well needless to say it worked out and we got him. But it was honestly one of those situations where I wasn't putting any faith in things working out or holding my breath on it. Which sadly seems to be how I have to be with things anymore. Because anytime I try to work towards something and keep faith in it I get screwed over.

Well a few weeks before that there was an incident, some things were said and I hit a horrible low. I had always known that once I lost Naki it would take a very long while to feel even somewhat better from it. At this point I still tend to cry daily over him or at the very least get teary eyed over missing him. But a few weeks into December I had a few days where if we had a gun in the house I was going to shoot myself. As I had said before there's a lot of days anymore where I tend to be miserable for one reason or another, but loosing Naki has broken me in many ways. Granted Kiba has helped with everything to some degree or another, but at the same time it almost makes me miss Naki more. Either way he's never meant to be a replacement and I always refer to him as Naki's little brother.

Granted talking to people helps to a very small degree when it comes to all of this. But at the same time I rarely tend to reach out to anymore in any fashion for multiple reasons. Trust is a very had thing for me to do anymore, along with how things usually tend to go I typically feel like a bother. Along with like I've said before on how I felt about being the one to contact others first anymore. Even someone else I got in contact with again for the first time in years I feel bad about trying to poke at them. Mostly because I feel like I'm being a creeper for one reason or another for trying to connect with them again. Probably because they've more then likely had to deal with that from someone or another during their time in this fandom. I know a lot of times with some of this I just tend to overthink things, but that's always how I've tended to be. Along with a certain someone that I haven't heard from in months again, but I've known longer then months. But there's always some reason or another as to why we can't contact. Despite giving multiple ways to contact other than what was being used and again me not wanting to keep being the one that reaches out because it's a pain in the ass.

But yeah I'm sure there's plenty more I could ramble off on, not even wanting to play with my gaming group, being frustrated with things around the house that need fixed, but my uncle won't do it, money issues over these last few months especially, but I should really try getting some more sleep if that's possible at this point since I was given the opportunity to.

I knew things were going to be bad with him gone and it doesn't surprise me that it's gotten this bad with me. At one point last week I was having an especially bad day and some things were said which ended up dropping my mood even more. Along with I still feel even worse when I'm at home by myself. But I had gotten to the point where if we had a gun at the house I was going to shoot myself. As of today it's been 4 weeks since he died and it feels like so much longer then that. Every day has just been so much more draining then before and I've pretty much been in a constant state of depression this entire time. Work is so much more or a struggle to get through at this point and it being around Christmas doesn't help with anything. Sleep has been even more of a hit or miss with me. Any morning shifts for work are even worse with trying to get some sleep, my mood tends to be even worse on those days since I really don't end up having enough rest and there's many times where I having issues falling asleep because I keep reliving that night. The days I have off work I really have no urge to do anything now, even housework that I need to get done. And I especially don't leave the house to do anything. If I go anywhere it's to drop Kep off at work and then I just sit at home playing games or something. Without him being here I don't have to worry about taking him out to the park for a walk or going anywhere else with him. And with me not wanting to deal with people there's no reason for me to go out anywhere. The only thing at this point that may help in some shape or form is getting another dog. But even now I feel bad thinking about that for one reason or another. In part because I don't want to rush things and keep feeling either way if I get another dog I'm pushing Naki away. Though it's also a matter or making sure I'd have enough money to be able to get a dog from someone. Because we're probably going to end up getting a puppy so we don't end up inheriting someone else's problem, along with there's the cats to think about. But I think it's really the only thing that will help at this point. I just hate feeling like this and it being so constant anymore. Along with just feeling so lost with everything and not knowing what to do.

So first off thank you to those of you that did say something in either of the two posts that I made regarding what happened. But I had been preparing myself for all of this to happen for a while now. Though I knew at the same time nothing would prepare me for when it did happen, because needless to say I'm still very out of it from everything. I'm really not sleeping well now on the days that I work early and the days I can sleep in I still don't sleep well and I keep waking up much earlier then I'd like to. Along with no matter the day I just wake up not caring and just feeling depressed right out of the gate. Along with nothing really tends to distract me from it either. I have to force myself even more now to actually do anything. And if I'm lucky I feel slightly better and get distracted for a short while, but pretty much once I get out of the moment of what I was doing I feel like crap again. Along with I just don't want to be at home now, because when I'm by myself the house is just way too quiet and empty. But I also don't want to go out because I can't stand being around the people in this area as it is and it's still easier to just be by myself, but then once I am out I don't want to go back to the house because once I get back and it sinks in again once I open the door that he's gone. Work though is really the worst either way, because I just shut down now whenever someone starts being stupid with me. So now I am really in a perpetual state of hell. That and while I am home I still see him everywhere. I'm always checking under the table, in front of the couch, I see him still when I first come inside, I keep checking on our bed. I know the thing that I hear from a lot of people is, "it'll get better" or whatever. But the thing is it really won't. I was teetering on the edge of everything as it was before all of this. Along with what a lot of people don't understand is that ever since I graduated high school it's been him and me up until now. The only thing that keeps me hanging on at this point is Kep and that's barely. I pretty much just feel lost at this point, because I lost a large part of myself when he died. Granted we've talked about getting another dog at some point, but I even feel bad about doing that. Because I almost feel like I'm disrespecting him at this point by even thinking about that. So I partially don't even know where to go with things.

One small thing that I've been focusing on though is getting a tattoo done of one of his older photos. Though that's a matter of saving up enough money at this point because of everything that's happened recently. So even that is probably going to end up being a bit into the future.

So 2004 was a difficult time for us, it was right after I graduated high school and then my dad died towards the end of that summer. So any plans I may have made essentially went on hold or were cancelled. Of course I was trying to find a way to cope so I kept tossing the idea of getting a dog for myself amongst everything that had been going on. She seemed slightly receptive of it, even if it was just to shut me up, but I of course ran with it. Started going through the papers, since that was the only option I had at the time and found an ad for some puppies that was a ways away from me. But I got a hold of them either way, set up a meeting and got their address. Luckily we had some shitty disc for our computer that let us look up addresses, so I at least had a slight idea on how to actually get there. But I've always been horrible at trying to find places on my own, even with some kind of directions.

So either later that day or something the next I headed out. Though maybe halfway or so through the trip I was deciding on if I wanted to just forget out it or not. Again like I said I'm really bad at trying to follow paper directions and figure out where I'm driving. So at one point I was in a turn only lane because I didn't know that's what it was and stopped halfway down the ramp. And after sitting there for a while I did the very horrible thing and drove backwards back up it. Luckily the shoulder was plenty wide enough, despite the big assed truck I had at the moment. I got lucky too because once I got to the top some road works went down the ramp and stopped about where I was at. Again I ended up debating on if I just wanted to say screw it and see if I could find any puppies closer to me. But I knew I had to push on, plus most of the trip was just a straight line, so as long as I watched which lane I was in it was fine.

Luckily there were no more issues and I made it there just fine. Though the one thing that I didn't feel completely alright with it looked like a mennonite family or something and they were breeding dogs, at least these huskies, just to get money. But I was there so I figured I could at least give one of them a good home. Of course then there was the hard part of trying to pick one of them. I had my eyes on the one red one, but it didn't seem really interested in interacting with me. Then Naki came over, rolled over in front of me and that was pretty much it.

He was my first dog, but I had done a lot of research on the breed, training and anything else I could learn. Didn't take me long to teach him tricks and other things. Just had some issues house training him since he was used to being outside all the time, but crating him at night and training fixed that. The one thing that was lucky, at least in the beginning, was that we were still living on the farm. So there was plenty of room to train him and let him run. In the beginning though, because of multiple reasons, he would do the usual thing and just run. It was nothing terribly excessive, but he would run a good ways out into some of the fields and I'd sometimes have to go into them to get him back. Luckily though that wasn't an issue for terribly long, because he got to the point where he bonded with me to the point where he wouldn't roam because he wanted to be with me. And he went pretty much everywhere with me. For a good chunk of his life if I went somewhere that wasn't work he would be with me. Winter of course wasn't a problem and summer I usually would keep the truck running with the air going either way.

For a good chunk of the first half of his life either in the morning or afternoons I would take him to a dog park that was a short drive from the park. I remember, especially during the winter, I'd be bundled up and spend at least 3 hours at times there with him, either running him around myself or letting him play with some of the other dogs. During the summer it wasn't that much of a problem, at least during the later afternoon, because he'd play for a bit and then I'd take him around the corner to swim a bit in the creek and keep repeating that. After a while though I wouldn't take him to the park as much anymore. It was in part because he wouldn't always play with the dogs that were there and I got tired of people that would bring aggressive dogs there and not watch them. The good thing was we found a group of people that started meeting outside of the park in the mornings and would either walk the path there or run the dogs around the soccer field in the same area. There were a lot of times in the evening where I'd stop at a little italian ice place plat was on the way back to get something and let him have some of the custard and lick the cup out sometimes.

After a while of course things had to change. At one point we were forced to move and moved into a townhouse area and I started going to the park a little less after a while, mostly because of how work had started getting with me. Though where we moved to was pretty nice. There was a creek around the corner, a small fenced in area for dogs and a sidewalk that was a mile long that led from where we were at out to the main road. So there were many many nights when we'd talk that long walk and sometimes multiple times. Having the creek so near by was amazing because I wouldn't have to wait till it was cooler anymore to take him out and could take him swimming anytime I'd want to.

Then it came to the point where we moved where we are at now and had Kep move here as well. Things became a little more difficult with getting him out, but it was also because I didn't know where anything was in the area. There was the woods behind the house if anything and I could walk him up and down the road outside the house, but people drove way too fast out there so I didn't like to unless I had to. There was a state park a few miles down the road at least so I could take him there and either let him swim or walk him around. It just sucked because I didn't find out till this last summer that there was a creek that I could have been talking him to, but at the same time it was a really bad route to get there so it wasn't all that worth it.

Granted he had been getting up in age at this point, but this last year was especially trying. His age was starting to show at least to a degree. Along with during that very warm December we had last year he got lyme disease. I had just thought it was his age and the cold weather we got shortly after that was making him weird. Thought it wasn't so much that that caused all the problems in the end, it was the pills to make him better. But he at least managed to get over it. It was trying to help him with everything after that and trying to improve him. This was one of those situations where I was actually trying to stay a bit optimistic because I knew how he was. Along with after I'd take him to the park to exercise, walking and swimming, he would perk up a good bit. But despite that I think it was just me and being extremely hopeful. Then there was the scare of the lump in his mouth and things just seemed to get worse from there. This past week he started getting really bad and was when we really began to worry. Though for him it was good in that for many of his meals and in between I was getting steaks to cook up for him. Two days ago things were looking really bad, but I was at least able to get off work early so that I could keep an eye on him after I took Kep to work. And it wasn't long after we went to bed that things went really bad. After talking to the vet this morning she was guessing he may have developed a blood clot in his lungs or something, because he was seizing badly before it went. Which just makes me feel horrible because he didn't deserve to go like that.

At this point I just keep looking for him or expecting him to show up somewhere and despite what others have said I know I'm never going to get over this or him. Even if I end up getting another dog at some point. Just because of everything he's meant to me and we've been though. Along with all the little weird things he'd do. One of our favorite things that he developed at the end was if you'd pet his head, even once at times, he'd pull his ears back and act like he was going to get pet again either way and how he didn't like it when it rained because his dainty paws would get wet. And how during the later years I'd come home, hug him and just cry for one reason or another and then we'd just head out to the park and have fun. Either way he will never be forgotten and I'll always miss him. He was one of the best things to ever happen to me and I was so lucky to have him.

This journal has sat open for a while now because I don't even know where to start in it. At this point it's still shock, being exhausted and everything else.

But I had noticed the past few days he hadn't really been improving at all. Granted there were instances where he'd perk up and act perfectly fine, along with after he'd lay down for a while he'd figit a lot and want up. But he seemed to be having more instances where he would breath heavily after moving around only a small amount or after he'd go to the bathroom. Along with having only what I could describe as mini seizures or something like that, because his body would tense up badly too.

But I had only been asleep for maybe an hour or something and woke up to hearing Kep freaking out. I honestly thought he was just over reacting or that I was even dreaming still. But apparently Naki was having a really bad episode or something because when I finally got my glasses on to see what was going on he was horribly limp and having issues breathing. But at that point there probably wasn't anything that I could probably have done. I mostly just feel horrible that he died like that, because he didn't deserve that.

At this point I at least was able to get a hold of my mother and a handful of other people to let them know what had happened. And I was able to find a place nearby that will be able to cremate him. I'd honestly go out right now and start digging a grave for him, but if we ever have to leave this place I wouldn't be able to leave him here.

I just know I'm never going to be able to get over this, no matter how much time has gone by. He meant everything to me and Kep always joked about how I loved Naki more then him. I'm just going to miss him so much and nothing at the house is going to feel right anymore.

Well at this point this seems a little too common then I'd like, but with his age it doesn't surprise me too much. But we had a really bad scare this time, to the point where I thought he was going to end up needing to be put down.

Two nights ago now I had let him out to the bathroom a little before bed, he peed and pooped, but as he was walking back to the house he started to wobble around and collapsed. At which point I carried him into our back room and started yelling for Kep because I didn't know what was going on with him. We sat out there for a little bit with him, in part because he started breathing very heavy and went a bit limp as well. I had no idea what he had done to himself at that point, aside from he somehow fucked his hips up.

Needless to say neither of us slept very well that night. We ended up pulling his bed into the bedroom and I slept in front of it on an air mattress to try and make sure he would stay on it. Because the frustrating thing was once he was laying down for long enough he would perk up and start pitching a fit and try to get up. Though once we tried letting him walk around he would pretty much do the same thing again.

Well luckily I was able to get an appointment yesterday at his vet, because once morning rolled around he wasn't doing much better. Pretty much the entire day until we left I was expecting to not come home with him and have to put him down because of all of this. At least once everything was done he did come home with us. She had given him two different antibiotics shots. In part to see if his lyme disease he had is still causing him problems. Along with an anti-inflamitory to try helping as well. That and I'm to up how many of his pain pills that I have to see if that does anything as well.

Last night was a lot of the same, except Kep and I ended up switching spots, though the dog was being a lot more squirmy last night. I think a lot of that though is how he just doesn't want to be on his bed and wants to be on the hard floor. The good news though is as of this morning he has perked up a lot compared to how he was. He's been roaming around the house a lot again and has only had a few issues through the day. So now we just need to keep an eye on him, which at least our work schedules typically mean someone is almost always going to be home with him. I just need to call the vet back on Monday to let her know how he's doing and probably if I need to take him back in for anything else.

Mostly figured I'd post something on here for a handful of people that would want to know about it.

But as some people know back in December/January he got lyme disease. Though at the time I wasn't sure exactly what was going on. It was about when we started to get actual cold weather and he was going on 14, so I figured it was the cold finally getting to him. At the same time I was having major issues with my vehicle and there was no way I would have been able to get him to the vet to find out at the moment.

So fast forward a few months after that and I was just barely able to get him to the vet to get checked out. This was pretty much the point where my vehicle was dying and I was just able to get there and back. But yeah unfortunately his blood test came back positive for lyme disease. At which point he got pills to take care of it and it did it's job at least to a degree. Unfortunately the pills were incredibly hard on his system, to the point where during the last week he was barely eating anything because of how they were making him feel. And it took about a week for him to finally get back to a normal eating schedule. I really wanted to quit giving him those pills at one point, but I knew I had to keep giving them to him otherwise his condition could get worse.

After all of that it's been rough in trying to get him back up to speed as much as I can at this point. I ended up taking him off of his senior food and been giving him a lot more wet to try and get him to eat more again. Along with I've been trying to get him to the park as often as I could to try and get him to walk a bit, but mostly to get him to swim to help his legs and joints as much as I could before it got too cold.

And now we come to last Sunday. As I said he's been a bit off since getting lyme disease and taking the pills, so it's been a struggle with one thing or another. At the same time at least we haven't really had to worry about him getting into the trash or trying to get some of our food because he can't counter surf anymore. Well for whatever weird reason a few nights before that he pulled out a bag of cereal from the cupboard, I didn't think anything of it and just left it there. Saturday night he messed with it more and the next morning I noticed a bit of blood on the bag and the floor. I figured he either cut a mark on his muzzle or even just his gums because of the bag. Well on closer inspection I noticed a bump on his gums above his teeth. Of course it was one of those moments where I kept trying to figure out if I had somehow seen it before and then ignored it or it was from him irritating his gums. Either way he had his yearly checkup in two weeks so I was going to have them check it out then and see about removing it.

He wasn't really having many issues with it, but it seemed like if he was laying on that side or would chew wrong he would irritated it and would bleed a little bit again. Wednesday he got bad to the point that I was starting to get really worried and figured I'd have to call his vet or another one to get it looked at sooner. So Thursday I was able to get him in and get him looked at. At this point he's at 44 lbs, which granted is less then he did weigh, but it's not as low as I was worried it had gotten. The one real downside was that his usual Dr was not in and the woman that looked at him wasn't reading through his chart properly and just kept assuming things. Along with saying he was probably fat at some point by just glancing at some of his much older checkups.

Well at this point I'm taking him back in on Thursday again to get it removed. Gotta drop him off at 8 and then pick him up again at 2. I'm just trying to not freak out too much till then, but either way I'm going to be freaking out the entire day until I pick him up in the afternoon. The main thing that worries me is that they claim they are going to put him under to remove it. They also want to do blood work to make sure that still looks good and do a chest xray to make sure nothing else is going on there. Which as many people know I would do everything I could for my dog, but if they happened to find some kind of cancer or something I know he wouldn't be able to get through treatment for one reason or another. Along with I really doubt I'd be able to pay for any of it with how that crap tends to work. But with how things tend to work with me I won't be surprised if there is some kind of problem or another with him with this whole thing. With how the bump on his gums has gotten slightly larger over the week and seems to after he bumps it and it bleeds I'm hoping it's just holding fluid and it won't be anything. Though my main worry at this point is that he's going to have issues waking up from the anesthetic and that he possibly won't. And if that happens I'm probably going to just completely shut down and have someone else drive me back to the house, because I don't think I'd be able to. But again we'll see with how things tend to work out. I just need to try and not freak out more then I need to till then.



TLDR; version
Dog got lyme disease during the winter, got pills and got better, but it was rough on him. Last Sunday I found a bump on his lip that was bleeding. So they want to operate on him this Thursday to remove it.