Gosh I've been getting an awful lot of attention for as rarely Im on. For those who don't know me---Heya. The name is Red. I very recently got a new job driving dairy tankers and I'm a busy busy gal. But I do find time to doodle, write, and shoot the shit now and then.

I do love hearin about everyone's day and I'll occasionally toss up journals like this to see what all is going down. C:

Read any good books lately? I read Revival by Steven King and I'll admit---I loved it. A lot. I'm getting back on this reading bandwagon. Listened to a few audiobooks too. So I'm enjoying a short creative kickback as a result. Hopefull I'll be able to type them up when I get home.

Peace out!!

~Red

WASSUP MY SEX MONKIES?

How's it going? Just so you know, you're awesome, you can do everything you put your mind to, and you REALLY don't have to worry about that one thing. It'll work itself out so long as you're doing something abou tit. Just one day at a time.


Love <3 <3 <3

~Red

I hope you're having a wonderful holiday <33

Work has been wonderful and fulfilling. I've been quiet, yes, but I've been busy and I'm glad to keep it that way. I'm actually writing more, so I may post some of that. Lots of horror shorts. (Haha, tis the season?)


I also got a tooth pulled. MAN it is gross lookin. And brushing my teeth is now my top priority cause this: http://i.imgur.com/UGJ2eKm.jpg?2 isn't cool.

OH also I am loving my body more and more <33 Things are filling out. Things are "bumping" out. And as per usual, my hair is fucking FABULOOOOOUS.


How've y'all been? Also, I'm headed out to Houston for a few days to do some trailer shuttling down there. Hit me up if you're in the area and I may swing by. BRING ME TO YOUR NEAREST TEA AND SUSHI SHOP! I demand it.


Love you all <33
~Red

Hey all. Long time no hear. I guess you could say I’ve just been -tired- lately, which kinda bugs me. IT’s always been an impending sign of depression, though these days I’m trying to keep it in my head that I’m also working more and sleeping less. I’ve been sleeping in a bed about 5 inches too short for me with boards underneath a single mattress. Needless to say it’s had me hurting, right along with my wisdom teeth.

Chronic back and neck pain plus chronic tooth pain equals a serious sleep deficit.

I did my first trio today! Went down to Houston and back to Comanche. I didn’t drove, only rode, and I really got to feel the difference between an empty trailer and a loaded one. I’m hauling food grade, which means they’re smooth bore tanks. There’s no baffles dividing the space so the milk is able to slosh back and forth pretty freely. And there was one time where my trainer had to brake hard due to an idiot driver in front of us, and the milk went forward, back, and then came back and slapped us pretty hard in the back. So definitely a challenge!

My trainer is a hoot. He’s an older fella, kinda portly and short. But he listens to the most absolute bubble gum pop music. Katy Perry. Lady Gaga. All the latest hip hop and Top 100 stations. He even sings and whistles along. It’s actually kind of adorable in a way. 99 percent of the time it’s country and rock’n’roll. Not this guy. He’s jammin’ to the latest Lorde song and lovin’ every second. He’s pretty awesome. I can tell he’s pretty young at heart.

Something interesting. On my last day of training up at Abernathy at the school, I was driving back in the company suv with a guy who was pretty smart. A devout Christian. We got into some pretty interesting discussion about religion, and I confessed to him that I was pretty standoffish about it because I was planning on transitioning, yadda yadda. I trust him to keep it in confidence, and he said he would. And from my time spent with him I have no doubt that he’ll stay true to that.

What was strange, though, was him saying that he respected me, but he didn’t agree with what I was doing. He more or less implied that he wishes that I’ll eventually “find my way” to light, in the metaphorical sense. His stance on homosexuality was the same. It’s their choice. He won’t judge. He was adamant that it was against his beliefs, and he was pretty solid that the only god was a Christian god.

That’s a weird feeling to be talking like that with the unspoken statement that I was a sinner by just being who I was (though he wouldn’t see it as me doing that--but just being a sinner). He believed that the reason he knew it was wrong was because us queer types and homogays lived shorter lives due to health, as a statistic. I stopped him there and explained the only reason that was a statistic was because gay, queer, and trans types and what had shorter lifespans because of assault, murder, and suicide. He actually thought long and hard on it, but didn’t say either way on whether or not he’d buy it.

Which, in the end, isn’t for me to ask for. This isn’t a rant or even something that upset my day in any way. I certainly don’t need his acceptance to go through with transition. It was just… -interesting-. That’s all. Of course, I would love to have his -approval- in general. But I want lots of thing. And not even most of the things I want are right, even though they’d be nice to have.

Again it was just something that left me thinking long and hard. Someone who was respectful, but seemed to sit on a bit of an unspoken implication. But religion is funny like that. So is transition. :p I more or less left it that I didn’t really approve of the strict, Biblical Christianity anyhow, so we left well enough alone and had a nice trip.

Other than, how’ve y’all been, sweet hearts? I’ve been okay other than a bit of dysphonia here and there. I gained a little weight and body and facial hair is bothering me in general. But I think I’ll be alright anyhow. I’m making the money I need now so it’s only a matter of time. I have many things want to do that are merely money needful. Moving out is the first, starting pay back for student loans is the second, and getting electrolysis is the third. But that’ll come in its own time.

Peace and love y’all. <33

~Red



OH also, shoutout to Reddit for being a cool place to waste time and meet cool people. 0:

I've been at training for my new job. Which actually involved driving back up to Lubbock! Which is kinda crazy. I left here a wreck and came back to get my career started. How strange and fantastic.

Sooo. How y'all been? Hope it's grand. <33

Here--have some fluffy show cows that have been shampooed and blow dried. http://i.imgur.com/G2YpErL.jpg


Can confirm these are pampered cows. I've raised and washed and blow dried some myself in my time. I have to wonder how weird/awesome it may seem to city folk that in farm states we show farm animals--which then get bidded on by buyers who pay in upwards of 50k. (I suppose it makes more sense that most of it is turned into scholarship money to reward said kid's efforts on raisin the animal. Which is cool!!)

-Red

How goes it? How's the weather? There was ice on my windshield the other day. So I can no longer remain in blissful denial about winter. >:c

I got a call from Western Dairy Transport. They are in the last moments of my application. Soon. I shall be in my new job. Soon. I've got my new learner's permit and I am ready to roll. :3c So I'm super excited on that!

Not much of an update this time. I've been tired. Out of it. Nothing else to really report.

I'll catch y'all later.

~Red

Well, my brother called us from San Angelo twice this week. One, to request again that his one-week's paycheck be sent up for cigarettes and such. My parents calmly refused and said they would set the money aside for any eventual meds he would need. My brother hung up.

The second time he called to inform us that MHMR (the mental health network here in Texas) had admitted him as a patient. When my mom told me this I asked her what that meant, she said it meant that he'd be gone a minimum of six months. Now, I was relieved that he'd finally been admitted to a system that would finally be able to give him the help he needed. My mother, however, seemed very concerned and pessimistic. Being in health care, she's highly critical, and think there's a distinct possibility that it could equally do him just as much harm.

So mixed feelings all up in here.

In the end? Honestly? I'm... kind of not sorry. Neither am I too excited about it. I'm down on the fact that my brother, despite being given every opportunity, did not feel that he was fit for society. That he was unable to push past him chemical imbalances for the sake of eventually having a better life. At the same time---he was given every opportunity. He abused his medication, took advantage of the home given to him, and then decided that it wasn't worth sticking around to wait out his recovery period from his addiction.

He forfeited personal choice for the illusion that life was beyond his control because it was easier to do so than to try. I don't agree with it, but neither do I judge him for it. Quite simply, it is what it is.

I want to thank every who offered advice and the likes. I'll keep it in mind for... when/if he comes home. I mean, minimum he's gone six months. But there's the possibility of being gone a year or more. And even then, there may be a chance that he would rather just... not come home at all. As with all things, time will tell.

~Red

I would like to thank, first and most of all, Iccy (aka Not-Fun) for being a kind soul in general. I usually only post as a way to vent. To write things out. Let out steam. Not to actually, yanno, get actual advice or support on anything. Haha. Which is strange but the honest truth.

So to everyone, thank you so much for your sympathetic advice and kind suggestions. I really can't express just how thankful I am. (Well--maybe I can--but that'll come in a sec.)

My brother is currently in a mental health hospital in San Angelo. What's hard to comprehend about the situation is that... this is what he wants. He called us back kinda peachy and dandy asking if we could buy him cigarettes with the paycheck he got from his job, which he'd had for a week. Mom refused, saying that he needed it for meds. He hung up and that was the last we heard from him.

He didn't self harm to take his own life, per se. He... did it just to get out of society. This is the third time he's done this, and each time it happens after he's being pushed by one authority figure or another to start living his own life. Does this change how I feel about him? No. Not really. It once did. Mainly when I was first trying to sober up and get my life back in order. It used to fill me with resentment in the sense of, "If I'm having to work to live my life and get back on track, then he should too, dammit."

That all changed that morning. My brother is still very sick, despite the fact that he's, well, kind of a bum. Maybe not sick in the typical way--but even well adjusted bums don't self-harm to go back to a mental hospital. Normal folk don't like being in a mental facility. My brother, however, enjoys the luxury of a meal three times a day, his sheets and clothes being washed for him, designated TV time, and a constant dose of meds. He would prefer that my family fill in the blank spots, such as cigarettes and extra cash, but I think they've stopped enabling that. As they should.

There's still this... emptiness about the house, though. We're all very subdued. We have a member of our family that does not wish to be a member unless it is on his terms that he is not required to take part of helping the family, or being part of society. Which--is something we cannot give him.

So right now it's very uncertain where things will go from here. But... we're recovering. Other than feeling a little under the weather and a bit stressed we are recovering.

---

So, that said, amidst all this madness, there are some things that have come about that I would consider "good news".

I now have a digital tablet! c: A rather nice one as well, if I might say so. A Monoprice 9x12 which, on to of being cheaper, far surpasses my old bamboo in terms of size and functionality. I've got CS2. I've got pressure functionality. I'm ready to set this ship sailing!

So, in thanks of everyone who helped out, I'm doing a sort of... -copper artist- type deal. Basically I'm going to take a bunch of free requests. That's it. Basically I want characters, scenes, and colors to practice with. Sooooo---cough 'em up. Bring me your ref sheets and you ideas. I'll update with a list and completion status journal. But for now I just want to get drawing.

If you'd like to be super cool and awesome and spread the word that I'm taking requests, I'll give you some extra stoof. Like an avatar. Or I'll attempt to make a background for your drawing. Who knows! Basically I'm taking up to fifty requests so there's plenty of room to hop on this bandwagon. (Plus it'll be a great distraction for me to try and de-stress--so yay for mutual benefits!)

Again, thank you all. I know semi hashed together drawings aren't the COOLEST of thank yous but I really want to do what I can. And since I don't have money and I can't give you all hugs in real life, this is the best I can do.

Again, thanks so much. Just really.

I have so much love for you guys right now. <333


~Red

I just don't know anymore.

I think I've come to terms with my brother's mental illnesses, though I'm not sure what terms they are.

At three AM I was woken by the dogs raising almighty ever loving hell. I wake up and there's light outside and my clock says three. I think fuck. I over slept for work. But then I notice that my clock says am. And the light is coming from a police car spot light through only one of my windows of my room while the other window is dark.

I get dressed and stumble into the hallway and to the back door. They're big double glass back doors. You can see all of the back porch. And what I see, illuminated by the sheriff's mag-light, is my brother slouched in the metal porch chair, head lolling, with one arm out, and a sloppy pool of blood collected on the concrete dripping from his wrist. The dogs are at the door trying to get through.

I immediately begin to feel sick and light headed. I can't handle the sight of other people's blood, yet there I'm just staring at the pool of my brother's blood. The dogs are flipping shit. My dad got there three seconds before I was and he was already outside talking to him with the sherif. I don't know what they were saying. I couldn't make it out. I turned and started dizzily walking back to my room, and I notice that I'm walking barefoot through a steady drip-trail of my brother's blood.

I just feel ill. My brother is fine and en route to the San Angelo mental hospital. But I can't think straight. You know, last time I'd talked to my brother in this kind of state, Mom and Dad were talking about how he'd need to get a job, and he'd shot back that he would try but something something they needed to believe him when he said he gets suicidal and might would be unable to get a job. They told him no, he could get a job and hold it if he tried and he would do so if he was to live in this house. So he's had this new job for about his week. We told him how we were proud and how we knew he could do it all along and how glad we were for him.

Man. He sure showed us, huh?

I've slowly been coming to terms that my brother is severely depressed. Yes, he may be lazy, but his meth addiction left him without any physical ability to feel pleasure from anything. I was bringing back home from his work interview a week and a half back and I was trying to talk to him. Just blabbing and trying to be humorous about this and that. He doesn't say a word or react at all. He doesn't even turn his head. I'm literally laughing at my own jokes.

I stop and I ask him, "You don't talk much anymore, do you? You don't have a sense of humor or enjoy anything."
-"No. Not anymore."
-"You just enjoy watching TV, huh?"
-And then he just paused for a few seconds and shrugs and says, "No. I don't even enjoy that, really."

So for the past week I -really- watched his behavior. Suddenly I realized that he doesn't enjoy anything. He doesn't enjoy sitting. He doesn't enjoy TV. It becomes more and more apparent that he feels absolutely nothing whatsoever in the most pathological sense.

Except pain, I guess. I guess he can feel pain. Which really was a startling moment for me. I guess it was the moment I stopped being angry at him. I still don't sympathize, but I empathize, and any further resentment I had for him drained out of me when I saw the blood coming down from his arm. It was just too real. Too visceral. I can't get the image out of my head. I've experienced some shit, but never have I been through something as surreal as this. Just... to awake to the sound of baying dogs, howling, with sterile spotlight pouring in through the window. Seeing and hearing the diesel ambulance pull up the drive. My brother on the backporch. The blood every. The thick pool of it all. I think it's still there. I should probably wash it off before it sticks.


I just don't know anymore.

I THINK IF THAT GOT ANY MORE EIGHTIES I'D HAVE TO BE IN A DELOREAN WITH A BRIGHTLY COLORED VEST JACKET AND FINGERLESS GLOVES WHILE I DROVE 88 MILES AN HOUR. AND SUNGLASSES. AT NIGHT.



Anyhow, how goes it? Been hit int he face with anything retro lately? This jumped out at me and holy shit I wish I could've lived the eighties. But since my nineties was filled with nothing but eighties references and memorabilia---eh close enough right? :U

Anyhow, I PASSED MY TX-DOT PHYSICAL! WOO! I was originally really worried and had a bunch of nightmare scenarios in my head about failing because I'm on an antidepressant, but as it turns out everything went peachy! I have to go in -once- a year for a check up instead of two years, which is okay with me. Shit. I'm happy.

It was sooomewhat awkward cause I had to do the whole "turn your head and cough" thing. I really had to drop trow, whole nine yards. And if anyone knows me, well, they know I have a few piercings down there. This doctor's eyes just BUGGED out of his head and he asked, "Did you pierce your penis?"

"Uhhhhhh.... Yes. Yes I did."

I mean, the fuck? Ask a stupid question. What I -should've- said was, "WHAT?? HOLY SHIT WHAT HAPPENED DOWN THERE???"

But aahhhh well. An opportunity missed. :B

Anywho. THE ADVENTURES OF RED AT THE DOCTOR. One thing I didn't quite do is tell him about my hormone therapy. I don't know why. I just couldn't in this small town, and that's probably something I should get over. I tell myself it's about keeping my -parents- out of the town spotlight, but the fuck? It's not about them. And I hardly do anything with them in mind anyhow.

Guess in hindsight I was just scared. That was all. I'll get over it one day.

Peace and love fuzzbuckets!!!

~Red

RULES :
1. Pick one of your characters.(Alisa--an afterlifer finding a place of light after dying in a camping related incident)
2. Fill in the questions/statements as if you were your OC.
3. Tag at least four people to buy you pizza.
4. Threaten them with bodily harm if they do not get you pizza.

---

Hello.

1. What is your name?

Alisa.


2. Do you know why you were named that?

My mother thought it was a strong name. She didn't have a husband or boyfriend there to disagree with her.

3. Single or taken?

I've a lot going on right now. There's a boy I remember, but I don't feel like we were ever romantically involved with each other.

4. Have any abilities or powers?

Other than being a little hard headed, no.

5. Stop being a Mary Sue!

....

6. What's your eye color?

I---I honestly don't know. I've yet to come across a mirror in the afterlife. And, well... I haven't asked anyone.

7. How about hair color?

Brown, I suppose.

8. Have you any family members?

I suppose I do, just like anyone. I remember my mother, but not much else.

9. Oh? How about pets?

... Can't say I do.

10. That's cool, I guess. Now tell me something you don't like.

Darkness. I guess, in reality and in people. I prefer light. I prefer things to be seen.

I do not fear it, however.

11. Do you have any activities/hobbies that you like to do?

I liked reading. I do remember that.
I wish there were books here.
I wish I remembered everything I used to enjoy.

12. Have you ever hurt anyone in any way before?

....

Yes.

13. Ever… killed anyone before?

No. I don't recall.

14. What kind of animal are you?

Apparently I'm an "ethereal creature of meaning"..... Whatever the hell that means. I look like a two legged dog with horns. I suppose that means I'm stubborn and loyal, if what Jakob says is corrent.

15. Name your worst habits.

I'm dismissive, I suppose. I also don't particularly care that I am. I only dismiss those worth dismissing.

... I might be a little arrogant.

16. Do you look up to anyone at all?

I....can't remember.

17. Are you gay, straight, or bisexual?

I can't say that this is been relevant in my life yet.

18. Do you go to school?

I used to.

19. Ever want to marry and have kids one day?

One day. But not where I'm at.

20. Do you have fangirls/fanboys?

.... Not many people are a fan of me. There's this joke I remember, that if I ever had a Facebook page, that no one would ever life it. Ha.

... I wished I remembered what a Facebook was. You leave too many memories behind in the body. And not enough get kept in the soul.

21. What are you most afraid of?

I fear never seeing the light of day. I fear never seeing another sunrise. I fear never seeing the sunset.

22. What do you usually wear?

A cloak, for now. Jakob says we can find some more functional wear in the town.... I have to wonder if a place like this even has such thing as a bra.

23. What's one food that tempts you?

... You know, I haven't been hungry since I've gotten here.

24. Am I annoying you?

Conversation is slim and strange in this realm. I don't mind a bit of gravity, as flippant and 'annoying' it may be.

25. Well, it's still not over!

...Case in point.

26. What class are you (low class, middle class, high class)?

Classes don't exist in this place, I think.

27. How many friends do you have?

I had three. They're dead now. Well, I mean... we all are I suppose. But they're all but dead to me now.

28. What are your thoughts on pie?

... I suppose I miss it.

30. Favorite drink?

Anything that actually quenches a thirst.

31. What's your favorite place?

I can't recall. And now I -am- getting tired of you. There's no real questions here. Just interrogations of memory.

32. Are you interested in anyone~?

... Well. I retrospect I spoke too soon.
There's this boy. With black hair. Really wavy. He's running away from me. Laughing. He's wonderful, I think. And I really want to remember who he was.

33. That was a stupid question.

I---I thought it was rather good. Is there something wrong with you?

34. Would you rather swim in a lake or the ocean?

No--I'm not answering anymore. You obviously have no comprehension of my type in this realm.

35. What's your type?

You really don't listen, do you?

36. Any fetishes?

Fuck you.

37. Seme or uke?

Double fuck you.

38. Camping or indoors?

I---What is this? What kind of question is that? Is this supposed to be some fucking joke? Who are you? What do you know about me? Tell me now or in ten minutes time I -will- recall a time I've killed someone. Now.

Hey! What's up y'all? Seen any good TV lately? Watching any decent anime? I haven't sat in front of the TV for an episode of anything for about a year. Still safe to say I'm not missing anything?

Anyhow, MY BIRTHDAY IS ON MONDAY! WOO! I managed to get the day off so that'll be nice. I'm going to pretty much study all that day, turn in my new job application, and then go take my CDL exam and get my permit. Basically it's READY SET GO from the moment I turn 23.

Also, I'm getting some new barbells in finally! Man, they're custom and cost a pretty penny, and took six friggin weeks to be ready (and BOY they cut it close) but they are coming in. Who knows, I may get them tomorrow or on Tuesday, since Monday is Columbus day. Oh snap---probably gonna put off CDL exam til Tuesday since it'll be closed. o3o

I've been writing again, so despite some tumultuous times at home, I'm actually feeling quite well with things. Reading and writing are definitely helping.

Love for all of y'all <333,

Red

So uhh. Locked my keys in my truck. Wonderful. Gonna be a little late to work. Oh well.
It's officially 12 days until my birthday on the 13th of this wondrous October. This means I turn 23, and means a few random non-consequential things. 1: I get to apply for a driving job. 2: It's the first birthday spent sober in years past. 3: It's the first birthday spent as 'her'. Which is just things I think that matter BUT HEY it is what it is.

Just started reading 'For Whom the Bell Tolls'. God damn, why have I not read this before? I'm really liking it so far.

Also, I have plans for this gallery. Mwahahah. For one, I'm officially taking requests for short stories. Anything goes, almost. I'll do erotic or clean, but if it's going to be the former, I have final say on what goes and doesn't. Basically I'll do things that would be considered "alternative", which would be things considered to be generally accepted kinks in the community. Bondage, hypnosis, or Sob/Dom stories, so to speak.

So anyhow. What's up? How y'all been doing? What music have you been listening to lately? Just want to let you know--you're all amazing and pretty cool people. <3 <3 <3

Peace and Rock,

Red

So nearly two years ago I had the honor of rear ending a Christian Sorority girl in the back of her car with my BMW. Bad times. My grandmother passed shortly thereafter. All in all a very rough time.

However, I had this sort of light amount of luck. The responding officer at the time chose not to write me a ticket for failure to brake. I'm not sure why. Maybe he saw I was in a poor state. Maybe he figured all said and done the damage was worse on my end than hers. (It was.) Long story short, I just considered it a vague amount of saving-graces. He wasn't going to add insult to injury.

At the time--no big deal.

Now--a REALLY big deal.

I'm looking to apply to Western Dairy Transport as a CDL driver. They have a driver training course they do and it pays good money too. I just need to get my CDL permit in the mean time by taking the written course. Also I have to wait a month before turn 23 before I can apply. It was one of the requirements. Two more distinct requirements were---

-No more than 1 at-fault accidents in the past year.
-No rear end collision accidents in the past 3 years.

Scrambling, I requested a copy of my driving record online to see what all was what---and I'm in the clear!!! In Texas, apparently a non-ticketed accident doesn't show up on a report. And what was once a minor "thanks I guess..." is now a "OH DANG. THANK YOU MR. ANONYMOUS POLICE OFFICER WHOSE NAME I DON'T RECALL."

Seriously, Instead of waiting an entire year to start my driving career, I only have to wait a month. This is... really astounding. What I originally thought was the icing on the luck cake (no injury, no lawsuit, no ticket) turned out to be the batter, pan and oven. There WOULD be no cake without that one police officer who gave me the pass that one cold winter day when I trashed my car.

Keeping to the alignment of the planets,

~Red

This thing is old and gorgeous and kinda eccentric and has been kept in pristine condition by an old lady who drove it to the farmer's market and back. https://imgur.com/TTVxgp4


And goodness it has a matching camper. <333

I'm going to go so many miles in this thing and spend so many nights in this it's not even funny. Also--this'll be the first time I've owned a vehicle with my new found healthy respect. I really used to drive the hell out of my things, hence why I've wrecked two. But I also drove a motorcycle for a bit. And if you want a HARD reminder of how fast the human body WASN'T designed to go, then ride a motorcycle. You quickly realize that the idea of propelling out bodies in speeds of anything about 45mph is really INSANE.

Thus I wanted something old and slow and reliable and this is what I got. It really was a steal and I hope to take very good care of it.


Stats:

-1990 Ford f150 XLT Lariat Edition Extended cab
-Electric windows/lock, cruise control
-136,000 original miles
-25 thousand miles on a new, in crate motor
-Michelin rally tires
-No scratches or dings or dents
-Interior intact and well cleaned/non smoker
-Full locking camper shell with slide windows
-Fully functioning double gas tanks

Downsides:

-No a/c
-Passenger door electric lock doesn't work
-Paint is fading/reaching metal

Cost: $1.500.00




This really was a steal omigod I'm still freaking out over it.
Many thanks go to my parents who trust I'll pay it off to them in a timely manner. Now that I'm not blowing 150+ a week on weed that's a possibility.

Then I can start paying the rest of my debts and then I'll be scott-free to get my CDL license and go make money -wherever-.


~Red


~Red

So with some confidence I can say that, to put it succinctly, the honeymoon period is over. Read: The two weeks it takes for a family/social unit to return to normal after an extended interruption. I find myself in the very real position of having to put that which I've learned about myself and other people to the very real test. To pass: Find the creative answer to coping with someone who will not change and has not changed since childhood.

My father is a very defiant man. Something that I've probably inherited from him. However, he seems to only reserve this aspect of his personality for his family. In small examples, my mother has languished her attempts to keeping an organized kitchen area. My father refuses to stick to any organization system she puts forth, and then complains when she has trouble cooking because her spices are hidden behind cups and dishes. She asks my father to put the dish detergent in the proper spot inside the dishwasher, and he will insistently prefer to spread it all over the dishes and door. Laziness? Maybe. It would certainly explain why he continues to feed the cats wet cat food on the ground on the back porch after I spent an hour cleaning it. The rotted meat smell attracts every fly in Comanche County and makes the back porch more or less uninhabitable.

So maybe just laziness, but my negative side says that he does it willing and without regard to other people. Take for instance my attempt to ration dog food. We've run out of dog food on occasion, but what I do notice is that he completely loads rather large dog bowls up to the very top--two of them. Our pit bull, while lovable, is extremely fat. And my german shep Ozzy is big boned at the least (140 pounds or so). I take said food and tell him, "I'll start feeding the dogs. Don't worry about it. And besides--it's okay if the bowl is empty sometimes. They were never meant to always have food on demand." I've also heard this from vets too. Yet, once again, I return home to find that the bowls are completely full. This means my dad went into my room, found the dog food, filled their bowls entirely, and returned it on a day where I'd already fed the dogs. Automatic thought: He's INTENTIONALLY going out of his way to be abrasive.

However, this is where I'm going to have to alter my usual reaction. For one, I'm not a mind reader. I can neither confirm nor deny that his thought process is defiant of other people--conscious or otherwise. I can possibly go on about him simply not "caring" because if he did he would attempt an effort at not screwing up what other people try to do. But again, who's to say he doesn't care? He's working two jobs to support the fact that I was a tremendous fuckup this last summer, and the possibility that my younger brother is going to fuck up again. (Yet another person I can't change--a type II bipolar and pathological liar/manipulator). Maybe he was tired when he fed the cats on the back porch. It simply slipped his mind. Maybe I can say that ALL of this is a result of him being dead tired.

Or maybe it isn't my place to say anything at all.

No matter what the cause, my inability to change his actions have remained precisely the same. All attempts in the past have been met with pain and frustration. So. What to do? First realize that no matter the intent, my father will not adhere to the suggestions, ideas, and boundaries of others. In a way he's sick. He makes fun of my mother's attempts to exercise and better herself, and wonders why I'm still taking HRT even though I'm not on illicit drugs anymore. He enjoys throwing food between dogs to make them fight. He's an insecure man who has to belittle his family to feel power because in his corporate life (so to speak) he spends all his time sucking up to the wills of others.

Yet--I -know- he's not to be hated. For one it wastes energy. For two I do love him and I know, despite his issues, he does love us. In fact, I remember something in particular he said about my transition that struck me. My mother said something along the lines of how so just "simply didn't understand." Dad, who for weeks was utterly silent and withdrawn about it, almost snaps in a way and says quickly and firmly, "Well we don't HAVE to understand. It is what it is. That's all there is to it. If he's* happy with it, then fine." It's the only words he's said on it since I started my rehabilitation over a month ago, and honestly that's a big step for him. Having just seen an online video of a family disowning their son for "choosing" to be gay and refusing to go to a pray-the-gay-away camp, I realize that despite his idiosyncrasies I am extremely blessed that my family has accepted me unto this point.

(*For the sake of giving my time family to cope, I've asked them to still refer to me as 'he' until I formalize my transition in all aspects--passing, dressing, voice, etc. Small town Texas is not the place to do that. Right now I'm focusing on financial recovery and am content with HRT and a fem appearance in the meantime.)

So--what to do? As I said. Get creative. Be proactive. I'll move the cat food up to the garage where he can feed on the ground all he likes. I'll also hide the dog food a bit better elsewhere in the house. And while I won't follow my father around up-righting everything he turns upside down, I can at the very least put things back where they belong after I find them in the wrong place when I need them. Rather than breaking my father down on the way he treats people, I'm attempting to build my mother's confidence up by encouraging her to, quite simply, see my father for the slightly damaged person that he is, and not let the things he says and does go anywhere serious mentally.

Old reaction (Automatic thought): Get angry and scream for change that'll has not and will never happen.
New reaction (Second thought): Work around (not -enable-) the issues of a person who, while frustrating, is still very much family.

You know that saying. Lead by doing. Maybe if he sees us keeping so much effort to do right he'll come around. Maybe not--only a guess. Not an expectation. No more energy wasted getting frustrated though. Move on with it. He may fall into the statistic of the "honey moon" period but I'm trying to make my change stick. So here goes. Wish me luck.

Peace and love,

Red

Ps:
Oh yeah--sober date is July 22nd. So I guess this means thirty-seven days sober? Honestly the longest I've gone since.... May of 2011. That's three years my friend. Three years stoned, drunk, jacked up, hopped up, tripped out, and overall twisted on anything I was able to get my hands on. I guess that means a little something.

Pps: New avvie~