I'm in a good mood, time to ruin it lol.
Not really ruin it.
DS3 is fun.
Painful.

But fun.

Anyways, I'm gonna stream it in about an hour.

You can go here for the stream when it's time!

www.twitch.tv/reinastorm

I will be posting another journal when I begin the stream!

(on a quick side note, I really do enjoy doing these things. I get to speak with old and new friends more, even if just a little. The interaction is a nice, warming feeling.)


Ever since gaming became a huge popular thing to do, regardless of how you look at it. Relaxing entertainment, something to be competitive about, or whatever floats your boat.

But it has become one of the best ways to tell a story.

Video games have become more than just entertainment.
They are interactive movies.
Stories with broad depth in characters and amazing set pieces to engulf your imagination in a world of beauty.

Many games still go for that "fun factor" first and only throw in a background story to sort of sell the design of the game, which is great still.

I personally love deep stories.


My favorite game series ever made is Metal Gear.
Hideo Kojima is a genius.

It's sad that Metal Gear is over.
(And I won't really count Konami's next "Metal Gear" game unless it's made by someone who worked directly with Kojima to write story.)

With MGSV, the story came full circle and was completed.
The missing time was filled in.

I'm glad that it's over in the sense that they can't really "milk" the series and it end up turning into garbage. (which is what Konami will try to do anyways, but without Kojima, who knows how well it'll work)

But this isn't a grudge journal about Konami.


I love Metal Gear. For taking elements from reality and putting them into a game. A story with so many twists, it made Shyamalan confused.
It was the father of the stealth genre.

I love Metal Gear.


I'd love to hear what everyone's favorite series is and why.

Dark Souls is a pain.
But while I got a little pissed off at dying over 100 times minimum in 5 hours, I had a blast.
But the big reason I'm happiest is that Twitch finally started recording my livestreams!!!

I can finally livestream and it'll archive the footage!!!

Huzzah!

Which also means I can download them and make videos for YouTube!

Hurray!!!

So much joy.

And terror.
Had a scary moment. Was hilarious.
Wish I would've had my mic in to record voice, but didn't think it would even archive the video since it had never done it before.

Anyways, I'm off to bed.

Happy day to those that are just waking up!

Everyone has their preferences.
Some like that good ole' power position.
Others love taking it.
And the rest fall somewhere in that rainbow spectrum in between.

I for one am a submissive lady.
Like full on "Give it to meh"...
XD

I don't like controlling things in my life. I've lived with a control freak for almost 24 years. (my mom for those that don't know).
But this isn't about that.

But when it comes to the late night sleeper shuffle, fucking tie me up! XD

Everyone's kinks are crazy. Ever since learning I was a furry and being on here and seeing so much, I've discovered so many things that are just "WOW!!!"

It's a nice thing.
Probably would've never discovered most of this stuff. (some may say i'd have been safer lol)

But anywho...

Being a sub is my thing. Love it.
I'm 99% sub.
That other 1% is the extremely rare "let me have control..."
Which again is very rare...

I like a lot of things in the sub/dom relationship world.

But one thing I do not like is the "daddy" thing.
Just. No.



But which side do you like? Sub? Dom? or some strange mixture of both?

I got a job interview Monday at 10am!!!!!!
Eeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Ok, I was talking with someone on skype, and...
Well this may be one of the best things I've ever said!

"I prefer the nice guys to the dickheads who just want to "be better than everyone".
I can't stand those kind of people.
Always trying to pick fights and shit.

Their penis is the same size as everyone else's.
This isn't Highlander. Your penis doesn't grow with every guy you beat up."



EDIT:
afterthought...
Someone should draw a comic of a guy beating someone up and his dick growing bigger while blue lightning surrounds him and he shouts "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!"

It's strange to think about the complex mix of chemicals in our body and brain that make us feel this nice emotion called love.

While some of us shun it, others embrace it. (some a little too much and it becomes this obsession that leads to heartbreak...)

I'm one of the people who shun it. Not out of disrespect or the inability to feel it.

No, I unfortunately try not to express love on a relationship level due to the several times I've been hurt.
I guess I'm scared of heartbreak. Not for me, no.
For the other.

I get attached and clingy too quick, then something in my head says to back off some, and I end up backing off too much. Causing problems and distrust.
Maybe I'm at fault for previous relationships going sour.

It's proly why I'm so afraid to fall for anyone on here.

While getting to know someone in person is always the best course of action to see if things really could work out (body language, how well you feel around the person, how fun they are, etc etc...), I've grown very fond of my friends over FA.

And sometimes I get a little attached to them. Maybe a little too attached for my or their own good.

It's never good to just wall yourself off from love, and I don't want to do that. I want to find someone I can be happy with in the future.

But what do you do when you feel you've unintentionally become a class A heartbreaker...
That's what I feel like anyways.

Maybe it's this whole "stuck living with a narcissistic mother" (which thank you to  kitta1652 for helping me with figuring out there's a term for it.) has screwed me up more than just always feeling like a failure.

I don't know.

But that's my thoughts for the night.

Just know that if I could, I'd clone myself so everyone who wanted to could have me.
(And wow, now that I've typed that out, it sounds fucking weird... EH, I'd proly date myself too. lol)

(A little preemptive writing before the actual journal. I think I'm going to do something like this every night. To help me get through each night so my mind is elsewhere. So thank you in advance for reading and any comments afterwards.)


I find myself thinking at times how lucky I am.
I got my dad's high metabolism.
I can eat so much and not worry about weight gain.

But that's not what this is about.

Honestly, I wish I could gain a little weight.
This may seem weird, but while I feel happy with how I am, I do wish I was a little fatter.

I've tried to gain a little weight at some points, but it never works. I've been 145lbs for a long while now.

While you should never take things you are blessed with for granted, sometimes I do wish certain things were different.

I've always had an attraction to girls with a little weight to them.

And a healthy image of one's self should always be an attractive thing.


This picture here:
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/19812081/

I'm more of the 20% body type.
One of my personal wishes was that I was a little more like the 40%.
Even between 40 and 50 would be fine.

It's beauty in every sense.
And while I'm happy I have the body type I do...

Well, a dream is a dream after all. Something we wish we could obtain one day, whether possible or not.

Not even 2pm and already being told to clean the house (which is still spotless from yesterday. And the day before that.) and to do shit that could've been done by my mother while she was up and awake sitting on her ass.


Oh, and I get bitched at because I turned the Xbox on.
Just turned it on, hadn't even put in a game or anything.


"You need to stay off the video games during the day and do something else. We've talked about this before, there are other things you can do. You can straighten the house up or clean your little brother and sisters room, but don't get on those until late at night. Don't sit around hunkered up in your room like a mooch."

The house is clean.

I'm not cleaning my little brother and sister's room. It's not my room. Not my mess. I'm not their parent. I shouldn't have to take responsibility for siblings.

And I try to play when it's night time but your fucking husband has an extra large dildo up his ass and likes to bitch at me when I play at night.

And sorry "I'm a mooch".
From my experience, mooches do nothing but keep to themselves.
I (have to) clean the house, apparently everyday, cook dinner more often than not, fold everyone's laundry, feed the dogs, do yard work when it's time for it, and constantly run errands for my (lazy) mother.


I'm literally a slave here.

Fucking.
Kill me.
Please.

I can't stand it here anymore.
I literally have no life of my own.

My fucking stepdad is an asshole.

"do you see what time it is?"

No, I'm not paying attention to the time. I'm playing and having fun.

"Really? You have 2 fucking clocks in here. It's after 10. Now get the fuck off. Next time I catch you on after 10, I'm either gonna take a hammer to it, or I'm taking it with me. Understand? Now get off."


I wasn't talking. Wasn't making noise. Was being quiet building a map on halo.

I don't get what his fucking problem is.


I don't get what his problem is.
I got bitched at for a bowl and a plate.
Then for not being "in bed on time".

My mom was nice as hell this morning. Let me sleep until 12.
There was nothing to do (aside from apparently one bowl and plate). The house was clean so I just laid in bed and rested. No laundry. No yard stuff. No vacuuming or sweeping or anything.

The house is clean.



Why fucking me??
Why am I cursed to fucking live this nightmare???

What the fuck did I do to deserve this?

Why do good people always end up in situations like this??????????

Not sure how far up, but I got a little bit of news.

The gas station in front of my house has finally taken my application in.

About.

Damn.

Time.

If the gas station doesn't work out, then I still have an alternative my friend told me about.
She works at this little restaurant. It's like a fast food place, but they cook restaurant food. Mostly burgers.


I hate to screw up a semi-ok journal, but I hope I can get a job in the next 2 weeks.
I hate car insurance. I really do.
I know why it's necessary, but I just hate paying for it.

I'm down to my last $100 in my bank account.
Ugh.... money problems...

Hopefully I can get something fast...


Back to some other stuff.

I feel weird for asking this, and it'll continue to feel weird, but I'd like to ask people to look me up on youtube.
I'm trying to post some videos of things, but right now I only have video tours of Maps I've built in Halo 5.
I'm hoping at some point I can get a bunch more videos up.

It'll proly be a bunch of gaming videos (like there isn't enough out there anyways), but atleast I can do something with what little free time I have.

here is my youtube channel:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCu.....ZpNSQ-nygkNgcg


ok, I won't lie, it feels weird even typing that out, and as much as I want to delete it...
I need to break out of this shy crap though lol.

Seriously, I may seem like a chatterbox online, but in reality, I'm such a closet fox.
I'm very quiet.
Atleast until I get to know you.


Anyways, I'm going to try and do little game nights on weekends more often and find some way to record it and post it on youtube.


I feel like I'm whoring myself out more than a popufur in a gangbang ych...

wow I made a bad joke.
wow.
ok.
fox shutting up now.

I hate my life.
I don't even feel it's worth living anymore.

A month ago I said I don't care anymore, I'm goona do "me". Set myself forward on the right path to happiness.

Except every day has been a struggle to get out of bed.

To want to get up.

I've grown weary of this uphill fight I live.

I don't want shit handed to me, I want to earn it.

But I can't earn anything when the economy is in a shithole, jobs are shipped overseas, or companies just want to hire teens so they can fire them before they get benefits or some bullshit.

I've tried everything to get a job around here.
Failure every step of the way.
I've tried getting jobs a little further away. Fucking nothing.

College doesn't start till fall, and I won't even know if I'll have the financial aid to go until after May.
Which orientation is in June, and I have to have all my info by then...

I wake up every day around noon.
With nothing to do.
Sure I do my chores which is just make sure no dirty dishes in the sink and fold any laundry baskets.

But regardless of if I'm done, I'm still not "allowed" to do anything for me until 8 or 9pm because of my fucking mother's "rules".


I'm in a fucking prison. This house is jail. A nightmare. Hell.
Fucking something kill me please.
My life has been worse for the past week.

Because I have a "bedtime" now. 10pm.
And if I don't go to bed (which is really just me lying in bed until 4am when I can actually fall asleep), I get stuff taken from me.

I have a terrible life and idk what to fucking do...

I've literally cried myself to sleep every night.

I feel I've become nothing more than a waste of oxygen..


I was gonna do an update yesterday, but so much happens so quick and I forget things.

too bad this world runs on money that I don't have........

I'm sorry I've been distant again.
Life has me down.

Just so much has gone wrong in such a short time, yet again, to ruin what I thought was going to be a "breaking forward" movement for me...

Apparently I'm no longer an adult on my own.

I've been given a fucking bed time.
Wow.

Just.
Wow.


I thought yesterday that maybe my mom was backing off and letting me take care of my own life, but I was soooooooo wrong.

Because I'm "not looking for a job, staying up all night, sleeping all day, and not doing chores", I've been given a bed time like a fucking 2 yr old.
Oh and apparently I have to clean the entire fucking house tomorrow. ALONE.


THIS is why I stay depressed and so anti-social.
THIS is why I never have the time for me.
THIS is why my life is in shambles.

Because my fucking mother and stepdad continue to treat me like a fucking child.

I'm trying my hardest to get a job.
I'm trying to straighten my life out.
I keep trying to do things right.

but EVERY FUCKING TIME I get close to a genuine smile or happy day, I get pushed right back down in the fucking dirt.

I'm literally losing what sanity I thought I had gotten back a couple weeks ago.

I've spent 3 months... THREE MONTHS, trying to get my life straightened out.
It's like I'm trapped in a perpetual fucking loop of try and start over.
This is why I've considered suicide not once but TWICE.

I don't get to fail, oh no. For some reason, my mom just won't let me try and fail.

No, she prevents me from failing in the first place by just out right stopping me.

FAILURE LEADS TO SUCCESS.
But if you never fail, you never know what won't work.

Apparently she's too fucking afraid to let me try on my own.
Apparently she has to hold my hand for her to feel even remotely comfortable about me existing.

The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same exact expecting different results.

I'm going insane here.
Not of my own volition though. Oh no.

I'm stuck in a loop of trying to sort my life out on my own, expecting that maybe my mother will see that I know what I'm doing and will let me do it, but no.
I keep expecting different results from the same equation.


I don't what to do now.

My savings are drying up from not being able to find a job.
I can't draw because I never get to sit down alone until night and I don't have motivation to do anything by then...


I hate that the only thing I ever post anymore on here is bad things.
1 decently ok journal for every like... 6 bad journals.
I hate making people worry.
But I'm stuck.
and ranting/venting is all I can do.

I guess I'll just go cry myself to sleep again..
Seems to have become a regular thing now...


I just want to be happy......

I try so fucking hard to do right here.
I get up, do chores, etc., etc.
Only one major complaint and that is that why am I the only one to do all of this shit? Everyone else who lives here is perfectly capable of getting up off their fat ass to do something and let me have a tiny fucking break...

So what happens in my fucking life?

Fucking bullshit!

My fucking sorry-ass stepdad just fucking barged into my room and bitched at me for ABSOLUTE ZERO REASON!!!!


"I'm sick and tired of your sorry ass staying home and sleeping all day and doing nothing but play games and sit in front of your computer and do nothing around this fucking house.
Either go get the information from the Health Dept. that you need for college so you can go do that shit or get a fucking job or get the fuck out."


I'm shaking trying to type this I'm so pissed off right now.

I've called the Health Dept. several times this past week trying to figure out what to do about varicella (chicken pox) confirmation since I apparently need it to go to Chatt State (which is fucking stupid since it's the only college anywhere near here that even requires it.......)
I can't do much of anything to speed up the process. It's all gov't shit. They take their sweet ass time. Nothing short of holding a gun to their head (which would put me in jail) is going to make them speed up.

He wants me to go down there this week and talk to them. (going Tuesday, gonna end up being a HUGE waste of time.....)


I've been trying to get another job since I lost mine back in fucking January!
The job market sucks!
The gas station in front of my house and this retirement home about 30 mins away are my only hopes because literally nothing else around my area is hiring. Walmart is the biggest thing here in bumfuck nowhere, and the rest is all mom/pop shops which don't hire like ever, or fast food, which is always jam-packed with applications.

And I have 0 places to go if I move out.
Zero. Zilch. Nada. None.




My stepdad is pissed because of literally nothing other than I'm not his version of "normal".

I hate being out in public.
I'm not very good with kids. (Wouldn't even be good with my own, which is messed up but I just have an issue with children.)
I don't like to go out anywhere because all of the "fun" stuff to do is either group-fun (so not fun alone) or too fucking expensive. I don't go "walk around the mall alone". What am I supposed to do, window shop? If I go to a store, I don't want to "look around", I get what I need and GTFO cuz fuck being in public. I have space issues.
Fuck everything "redneck". I don't like that shit.

Fuck his version of "normal"
Because I ain't nor'll ever be "normal"


I can't fucking stand this house....

It's no longer my mother that is the issue. She sees I'm trying to fix my life.
Now it's constantly my fucking stepdad................


What I don't understand tonight the most though is where in the fucking hell did his anger come from all of a sudden???
He was perfectly fine earlier. ALl I was doing was chatting with a friend on Xbox and he just came out of nowhere pissed at fucking midnight.

WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS EVERYONE'S PROBLEM WITH ME???
I DO NOTHING WRONG!!!

WHY IS THE UNIVERSE SO OUT TO GET ME???

this is why I stay depressed and near-suicidal.......
I don't have the money to go to my therapist since I lost my job, and other than a few minutes over the phone, there isn't much she can do...
I'm not in suicidal mode right now so don't worry about that shit.

I'm just fucking confused as to WHERE IN THE FUCK his fucking rage came from.....................

If you have me on facebook, you've seen what I've been working on.
If not, this journal will give you the deets on all that junk~

I love Halo 5's Forge.
So many possibilities!!
I've built quite a few maps over the past couple weeks.
So here is the list!

Halo 3's Orbital - now named "Skyhook"




StarFox Assault's Zoness map (name unchanged)




Gears of Wars's iconic map Gridlock




These bottom 2 were made a while ago, but I felt I should share them anyways, because these maps are great!


Halo 3's Guardian - now named "Overseer"




StarFox Assault's Simple Map 3 - just "Simple Map" now (no video. this link will alow you to view the images even if you don't have a facebook.)

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/.....p;l=3a549d18a5



That's what I've been busy with. keeping me occupied and my mind away from bad thoughts.

Next week, I'll be focusing back on getting into college.
I gotta go to the health dept and get some kind of verification from them that I've had the chicken pox because I never got the vaccines, I just had it. But my mom didn't have it recorded under medical records.
The reason I need varicella (chicken pox) confirmation is because Chatt State requires it and MMR records before I can be accepted. It's the only college I've ever applied to that needs this so it's stupid imo, but whatever...


I'm planning to do a Halo 5 party tonight or tomorrow. Whichever one people want to do, I'll be doing it then.
So far, I've only had one person say maybe.
So the list is empty.
If I get a bunch of people, we can do BTB matches or some huge FFA matches.
If not, then as long as I get atleast 8-10 people we can do small team and FFA maps.
It would be fun to play with some new people possibly so if you desire to play, then let me know.

Also, let me know which day you'd prefer.
I know tonight is going on "last minute", so if people prefer for tomorrow night, that'll be fine. Will give me extra time to set up more people too.


Anyways, that's all for now.
I'll be around on here, facebook, and skype if anyone needs me!

Sorry about yesterday. Was supposed to post a journal with some pretty cool stuff in it but had all kinds of complications yesterday that delayed the journal.

Today, I'll be posting the journal. Complete with all info that was supposed to be in it yesterday, along with some other stuff.

So be looking out in the coming bit.

I disappeared Sunday night.
And I'm sorry for that.

I was under so much stress.
It got to me. Really hit me hard. Didn't know what to do with the flurry of emotional waves I was "riding"...
Fucking psychotic. It was awful to say the least.

I'm ok. Back. Doing good. Idk what caused all of it, I really don't.

But it's over.

As much as I've wanted to draw, practice art, I haven't been able to keep my mind focused on it.
I never have the stable time to invest in it.

I've been busy though.
Trying to stay busy so bad thoughts stay away.

I built 3 maps on Halo 5.
Technically, I built 2 new ones and finished an old one I was working on a while ago.
I feel happy about them. Especially the one I just finished today.

I will have another journal at some point today with links for images of the maps I finished.
I'm super proud of them.

(And if you're on my Facebook, you've already seen the best one of the bunch)


Also, the journal later today will be some coming events, so watch out.


For now, I need sleep. Been up nearly 21 hours. Lol

To everyone who owns Halo 5 or will own it at some point in the future...

Back during my Halo 3 days, I used to be able to send out invites to all of my friends and could have a full 16 player lobby, ready to have fun slaughtering each other.
Was always a fantastic thing.
No one cared about skill or whatever.
Just playing for fun.


While Halo 5's Arena mode has become increasingly competitive, and there really isn't much of a social scene in matchmaking, I'd really like to start up my social time in this game again.


If you play Halo 5, it would be awesome to play together.

I'd love to do a social night once a week or something. One night like a weekend or something when everyone can all get on and we just go at it.

FFA, Teams, even "Ninja Warrior" maps (those crazy obstacle courses).

And if you're a map maker, you can help with some awesome maps to play!
Would be cool to get a forge group together and make something just for party night.


I created a "Spartan Company" (a while back) just for all of my Halo friends on Halo Waypoint.
(It's like a clan. 343i named them "companies")

It's called Fireteam Nightwing. (I just wanted something that sounded cool lol)
You can go here to join it: https://www.halowaypoint.com/en-us/.....am%20nightwing


And if anyone has any Halo buddies that are all for the social weekend jams, feel free to let them know!
The more the merrier!!!

The future is ours for the taking. All we have to do is reach out and grab it.


My whole life I have sat and said "What if...?"
I've dreamed of many things.

I used to take apart RC cars for fun, then put them back together. They worked just like new.
This fueled a dream of wanting to learn robotics.
"When I grow up, I want to make robots that make people's lives easier."

That dream came and passed quickly.

I used to draw a ton. Was always drawing. Used to use tracing paper to trace my favorite scenes from comics or pictures I printed off from online. They helped me with learning basic shapes and anatomy.
I'd turn around and freehand some amazing little pieces. (although my hands could've used more practice...)

I used to write stories (and still do) of all sorts of weird things. Always loved writing.

My dad introduced me to games at a young age. Used to sit me in his lap with an unplugged controller and I'd have a blast "playing" with him.

It wasn't until I was living at my grandparent's house around maybe 8, because my parents split up, that I really started getting into games. Had an N64 for a long time, got a Gamecube some time around 2004. Always enjoyed playing.
Started having dreams of being a game maker.
Didn't know how hard it truly was, but wanted to do it.

When I was 14, my dad got him a cheap guitar kit (Washburn Lyon and a Mad Dog amp) because he wanted to learn how to play.
I asked him one day when I was visiting if I could play it.
He said "I'll tell you what... If you can play that thing better than I can, That'll be your birthday gift this year. We can even go out and hunt you a distortion pedal." (he had only been playing a few weeks, wasn't all that practiced)

15 minutes of fiddling with it, I had picked out the basic riff to the James Bond theme and wrote my first song (that was like 6 or seven notes, but it was a slow, melodic piece). The guitar felt natural.

Showed my dad, next day we went out and he got me a pedal.

My dad knew I loved Metal music. It was what he always listened to when I was little or in the car when I was with him visiting.
I did middle school band, didn't like wind instruments, wanted to play drums.
I aced the drums tryouts without any musical background at all. I was only one of 2 people that aced them out of 12 that tried out for the drum section.
So drums helped me when it came to learning basic rhythm patterns on guitar.

Skip a forward a few years and I'm trying to set up a band with my best friends who all played music, too.
We couldn't all exactly agree on what style of music (although we didn't really have a style yet) except we wanted to do rock/metal.

People moved, left or decided on other things, made new musician friends over the years, had 4 more bands I was in, most consisting of a couple same members from previous band, just with either 1 or 2 new members.

I wrote most of the material we had, and other members would write some things and have me translate it into something that was on time and would fit the style.
We played 80's era Heavy Metal. Metallica, Megadeth, Pantera, Iron Maiden...
That was our style.

Back in 2013, I had 2 record labels interested in us. A Country label based in Nashville that was wanting to branch over into the Rock genre territory. We were Metal, but it was an opportunity that was still offered to us. Our bassist/vocalist's stepdad knew the agent we talked to, which is why it was offered to us first.
Our drummer smoked weed constantly (which wasn't a big concern at first) and wanted to play and get famous.
He was pretty good, but eventually we found out that he was only there for the perks of being in a band.
We had to bribe him with weed to get him to show to practice for a talent show at our rhythm guitarist's school...

The agent didn't want someone like that in the band. We knew it was bad anyways, but he was the only drummer that would play with us because of our style. (all the other drummers wanted to play either Death Metal, or this new wave of "Metal" like Black Veil Brides or some shit...) so it was hard to come by another good drummer.

Also, we had Metal Blade Records interested in us. (They're the second largest Metal record label in America, just under Roadrunner Records)
Not even that could make our drummer actually show up... Unless we had weed.

My dream for being a metal guitar player kept failing, even though a ton of people around the area liked my stuff, I could never keep a full band.

The dream of a band overshadowed my game designer dream so I forgot about it for a long time.
Stopped drawing, stopped writing stories...

Back in 2014, after my most recent band split, I wanted to revive my game dev dream. Started hunting schools, started writing stories again.
Concepted Legends of Abyseria.
But my mom wouldn't help me into the college I wanted to go to. (and if you were around from 2014 to now, you know a lot of that story).

Now it's 2016. I finally hit that breaking point of "I no longer care, I'm gonna do me" and am focused on my goals.

My friend's I've been hanging with over the past 3 weekends are going to college for game design as well.
I asked them if I could show them my stuff and see if we could all go together, since it's better to build your dream with friends who have the same goal.

I took a flash drive over this past Saturday with a copy of my files from the game stories I've been writing to show them.
Except that's not what I took.

I somehow only copied a shortcut link to the file instead of the actual file, so I'm gonna try again this weekend...
The disappointment!!!

So I may have found a group to go do game design with, instead of having to do it alone or hope I can somehow make friends in college who would be like-minded.



I'm going to follow this road to game design. Become a game dev.

And while I still want to do music, and I'll keep hunting, it's only a secondary objective for now.
If I find a band, I'll be happy.

But if not, I'll still have my stories and game design.


I realize my only dream was to make people smile.
Whether that be with powerful, adrenaline-filled music.
Or through compelling worlds and epic tales.


My future has only begun.

Tonight I want to test out my new map.

It's called Blast Canyon.
You can see photos of it here: Blast Canyon picture album


It's done and all finished and ready for combat testing.

Once it's been tested, I'm going to get footage of the map and make a video that'll go on my YouTube account.
Once the video is on there, I'll post it on the Halo Waypoint forums.
So everyone who participates will get to be in a video featured on my YouTube.
I might get a few or a lot of downloads for the map. Maybe even 343i might take the map and add it to their "Community Favorites" list and maybe even slap it in BTB rotation!!! (that would be cool, but is only a silly dream)

Anyways, I'll message people who desire to play tonight and let them know an appropriate time when to get on.
It'll be about an hour or so.

If you want to join and have Halo 5, comment here and I'll message you the start time and my gamertag if you don't already have it.
Or you can message me your gamertag and I'll send you a message on Xbox One or through notes on FA when we're starting.


Also, if you have any friends that want to play, ask if they'd like to join to test a new map.
I need 16 people to test it properly. So me and 15 others.

You don't have to be great or even good at the game.

I just want to playtest the map, make sure it's 100% fair, 100% works, and all around flows great

Bring your best game face and play for fun!


I'll be around here, on Skype, on Facebook, and on Xbox One, so message me at one of those places and I'll write down who's gonna join.

I'm back, bitches!
AND BETTER THAN EVER!!!

Two days ago, I was having a severe existential meltdown.
Suicide felt inevitable.

Now call me crazy (and this will sound like a completely wtf moment, so go ahead with actually calling me crazy), BUUUUUUT...

I was on Xbox looking at the little "Community Feed" tab (for those that don't know, it's a little thing showing your friends' recent shared activities, achievements they've unlocked, screenshots/video they've taken, etc.) and saw this picture from a fantastic Forger. She makes awesome Halo 5 maps.

Anyways, I saw a picture of a work-in-progress of some rocks, ground pieces, and a few things. It looked like a corner around the outside of the map. (It's hard to explain how it looked...)

This map gave me an idea for my own map.
Or at least this "corner" of a map.

I started building on this corner on my own map.
Didn't really know what I was doing.
Started getting a slight bit frustrated I had no idea what to do.

Next thing I know, its 5 hours later (5am) I have a near complete map of what-the-fuckery and no longer care about.... Let's just say a lot.

This was all between 11pm of the 22nd to 5 am of the 22rd.


I've come to a severe realization that I would end up dead and piss a lot of people off that were trying to keep me from... Yeah.

So... Yeah. I've finally hit the "no longer gonna care" stage and will always be on the up from now on.
I may have hard times ahead, but I'll never let shit get me down like that again.

I'm here to thank EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU who commented, messaged, etc. trying to keep my hopes up, keep me from doing something very bad.

I regret all of that. I hate that I made you all worry.
It hurts my heart to know what I did.
And I apologize.

But no longer will I be like that.

I will be doing better for myself from now on.



In other news, I have people that I'll be talking to this weekend that I've grown up with for years.
I've seen these guys the past 2 weekends, getting to hang out and catch up with them.
Hadn't seen them in yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrsssssss....

I refuse to spoil what is in the works, BUUUUUTTTT I will say that things may definitely head up faster after this weekend.



And then lastly, I'll be posting a journal about it shortly since I have no idea how many people will read this far down, but I'm going to try and do a Halo party this weekend on Halo 5 if enough people have it.

You can bring in whoever you want to if they really want to play.
I want to do a big 16 player lobby on there on custom maps.
I'll probably go dig around Halo Waypoint and find some amazing 16 player maps, I just want to try and host a big party this weekend.

Possibly even stream it if I can get my internet working to stream and game at the same time. (It's gonna take some appropriate testing...)

But again, I'll be posting another journal about it later, or tomorrow. Whenever I get to it.

I don't feel any happiness anymore. No joy. From anything.
I feel nothing.

I wake up. Do chores. Eat. Sit in my room till I'm tired. Then proceed to cry myself to sleep.

I no longer care.

I'm supposed to take my transcript to the college, but I don't even care about going anymore.

I don't even smile anymore. No point in it.

I just desire to disappear forever.

i'm unfortunately battling myself over suicidal thoughts.
and it's unfortunately something that I can't get help on.
there's too much I have unfinished here, so I can't leave my hometown

I've been trying to distance myself from so much right now
i'm glad people care for me and all, but i'm just broken beyond repair
and I really don't want anyone to miss me if I do go away

i'm a victim of extremely strict parenting by my mother and of mental abuse.
it's unfortunately become something that I require to function as much as I hate it
I hate being told what to do, but i'm scared to do a damn thing for fear of screwing up anymore.

I've fucked up a lot of things to disrepair

I can't draw
can't write
can't even think of any knew cool ideas for stories anymore
can't play music
don't even want to get out of bed ever again

no matter how many people tell me i'm amazing or whatever, my mind doesn't let me be happy because my ideas have always been inferior to my mother. she's the only person I've grown up with since I was like 7(?) cuz my parent's divorced because my mom is a controlling tightass and my dad tended to be lazy a lot.
After growing up with her for so long, my mind is fixed on nothing but approval from her and I know i'll never truly get it because i'm not this little vision she had for me anymore.

I hate religion
I play video games
I play and listen to metal music
i'm an introvert and desire little social interaction outside of the people I know very well
I hate small talk or anything that isn't a detail oriented conversation about a topic

I'm almost literally the exact opposite of her.
Also, how I act and a lot of my personality is derived from my dad, who she absolutely despises, and I remind her too much of him. She hates my dad's side of the family except my dad's dad, because "he's a good man" (he really is, it's just her way of saying she only tolerates him)

she wants me to be successful, but pretty much only on her terms
and it's become so engrained in my mind that no matter what I try to do, if it isn't satisfaction from her, I receive little to no joy from it.
regardless of how much "I" want to get away from it, "inner me" won't allow it.

I could make a masterpiece of something and it sell for millions.
If I didn't get any appreciation from my mom, it would be for nothing.
That's as best an example I can give of the state my mind is broken into now.

and the only way i'll ever escape this wretched nightmare is to be able to prove her wrong. it would break everything she put there in my mind, but i'm so broken that I have zero motivation to even attempt to try
and I have to do it on my own or it won't work.

It's why I'm so determined to be on my own.
back in 2013 when I had my own place with a few friends (while it was chaotic and little ever got accomplished besides playing really loud metal music with my old band) I was free.
I could do and go as I pleased. While I didn't have the money to do everything I wanted, I had the freedom to do anything.
I crave that experience again (albeit without the maddening amount of "parties" we threw. it was dubbed "the party house" between all of my friends)
I could actually do things and be happy to do them.

this is why I stay so distant
why I stay unhappy

my mother means well, but doesn't understand what she is doing is actually very bad and wrong.

and i'm unfortunately caught in an endless loop until I can manage to acquire enough money to live on my own again


(this was in a message to someone and instead of trying to type out a whole journal, I felt better to just post the message instead. there was 2 sentences cut out that were directly for that person regarding something else, but aside from those 2 sentences, this is the response from me)

Idk why I'm still here.

Somewhere around 2am I went and drove out to this scenic overlook that sits on a cliff.
Stood there on the edge for an hour. Couldn't jump.

I just couldn't do it.

I'm an idiot. A stupid idiot.

I'm a fuckup.

I have no idea what to do anymore.