So, I don’t really know where to begin this. I am mainly writing this because I just need a place to vent a little, but even then I don’ really know what’s going on so maybe its silly to do. To begin, I got kicked out of my house. To make an exceedingly long story short, I had a ptsd episode, I started going to therapy, I didn’t get better fast enough, so they decided I was to much drama to keep around and asked me to leave. That was two and a half weeks ago. My entire life has been turned upside down, I spent the first night sleeping in my car, which was fun said no one ever. A guy actually tried to get into it while I was in there. Luckily the next day some local friends offered me a couch. It’s been a decade since I had to couchsurf. After I left the people I called family just cut all contact, and I think one of the things that hurts the most is they always told me that no matter what we would overcome anything together. I have vented to others about stuff, and I have worked out a lot on my own. The main thing I am doing now is working on me. I am keeping up with the therapy and work, I have started writing again, and I got a book called “Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain” so hopefully I will be able to art like I have always wanted to. Other then that all of my tools and things are at the other house. They don’t want to see me or talk to me so I can’t get anything. So my artistic outlets are a little cut off besides drawing and writing. I am feeling stronger now that my episode is over, and it is so strange because I haven’t had an episode in about a decade. I keep thinking I should do something more, but what more can I do, I make enough money for gas and ramen so I can’t exactly do anything else. I feel trapped and yet free at the same time. I’m not going to go into the details of what triggered me because unlike other parties, I am not going to talk bad about people behind their backs. And that’s my little update for today, now that I have nothing taking up my time as much, you may even see me more often on here. Though I may reserve my writing till its done, the concept is kind of cool, so I kind of want to get published if I can. I hope everyone else is doing good and anything you are going though, know you can do it, even if it sucks. That’s the way I’m looking at it.

Hey everyone, sorry for the extreme absence here, I really am trying to make a change so I will be more present, but with work and my apparent depression I didn’t know I had, we will have to see how things go. Luckily I have a new outlet to hopefully make things better for me. I have tried to draw, and it never turns out, so I’m going to follow in the footsteps of some of my favorite people...I’m going to try to do videos instead. So far I have a YouTube account set up at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCU.....fsVwN96cDOiddA and am mainly doing some lets plays, but I’m also going to do some how to’s and some mukbangs. Plus I’m not the only one doing stuff. We got the name of our little studio from the first computer I ever had/built. My dad named it the beast because at the time he had never seen one like it. I got used to calling all my electronics “beast” something, the iBeast, the beaststation, etc. So far I am loving doing it even if I have to find time after work, but I’m creating things, editing, and all in all my mental health has improved. I hope you guys like what we are going to be doing, and it’s good to be feeling like my old self again.

Hello all, I am wondering if anyone is or knows anyone that might be willing to help me out with a ref sheet or two. I was hoping to get one as a gift for someone and maybe another for myself. I would totally do them myself, but my art is still not quite up to snuff and I know many others that are soooo much better. I don't have a limitless funds but I have a little spending money. So if anyone could use the cash or knows someone that does I would love to help support yours or their art.

In other news, as the proud pagan I am, have recently figured out how to make fun shirts and little bottle necklaces with herbs and other things in them. Having fun with it, and I'd be totally down to make some for people as well.

Well, I am proud to say I am a year older and I have completed another round of classes. Had a lot of fun but was way to busy for my own good. I now have a good understanding of stage lighting, archaeology, and my favorite, oxy welding. I feel bad that I disappeared again from the interwebs, but I am back, and I am finally going places in my life. Going to be moving to Washington next year, and I'm getting my guard card over the next week or so. I have a few poem ideas I'm going to work on and post soon as well. All in all, not doing to bad right now. =P

So, the year is finally over. It as had its good moments and it's bad, but we have survived. I hope you are all having fun, I'm having a quiet night in with a glass of mead and the movie Max, the one about the military working dog, and if you haven't seen you you should check it out, it makes me think of my in the army. Not in a bad way mind you, my PTSD is in check, but I want to extend my thanks too all our military that are still out there doing what they need to do, and to all of the MWD's. ^_^

Well, it is here, the winter solstice, the reason for the season. It doesn't matter your faith, or what you call it, it is tonight that all of our holidays this month exist. And I know I may get some hate from people because I'm saying this, but I'm not trying to discredit anyone's belief or hurt anyone. Thousands of years ago this was a pagan holiday, it marked the longest, coldest night of the year, and they would pray to sun gods to bring warmth back to the earth and to gods of the earth and grain to bring life back to the crops. There is some controversy over Christmas that has arose over the years as well, there are Christian historians that found that Jesus was actually born in the summer months because that is when the tax season was for the people of that time. I know of some people that believe that the Christians moved the date to Christmas to undermine the pagan holiday, and Christians will argue against it. But it is my belief that it was moved for a different reason. Christmas is a time of hope, it takes place after Yule because of the hope and joy there is in making it thru the winter and I think that anything that brings hope is a good thing, no matter what we believe.

With the world we live in now we loose sight of that, we think of gifts, we argue and bicker, we have people of every faith fighting with each other, we fake a smile that we should have been using all year, and we only show love and compassion to our fellow man because we think it is expected of us. Take the Starbucks cups for example, we are so afraid of offending someone that they took all symbols the season off of them, when we shouldn't be offended. If a pagan wishes me a blessed Yule, I thank them. If I am wished a merry Christmas, I thank them. If I am wished a happy Hanukkah, I thank them. Even if an atheist just wishes me a good day, I thank them.

The fact is that this season, this very night, is about returning life to the land. If you were to go back in time to before Christmas, to before Hanukkah, to before Yule, it was a dark time. Many people didn't live thru the winter, this was a season of death, it was feared, and prepared for everyday of the year. And so people found faith, and they asked their Gods or God for hope, and they found it. Today we have houses, electricity, food that we can access easily. We have warmth and love in our lives, but not everyone does. There are people that live in the cold and tonight is the longest night of their lives, not just the year. We need to stop bickering, we need to stop whining, and we need to start showing each other love and compassion, because no matter what you believe in, that is never the wrong thing to do.

So, on the eve of the winter solstice, I want to say I love you to everyone, not just those that believe what I do. I wish everyone a safe holiday, no matter what it is. And I want to live thru this night knowing that we as a species have made it thru the darkest part of the year together. Take down your walls of faith, but keep true to your faith, give goodwill towards man, no matter who he is, and treat everyone how you want them to treat you, even if they don't, because that is what this time is all about. Imagine, if we could all get along everyday, we wouldn't have the nonsense and drama of arguing on the Internet, and we may yet see a time where your beliefs and the beliefs of others wouldn't be used to hurt each other. A complement is a complement, and an insult an insult, be thankful you are alive.

I will end this by telling you all something my brother Paul told me once when we were children. I thought I was a terrible person, that I was evil and spiteful, because I couldn't understand their emotions and I would say things that hurt them without realizing. So I asked him one day if he thought I was evil. He thought for a moment and then smiled at me. He said "I believed a good person does things to try to make someone else smile and feel happy or joyful, and that an evil person does things to try to make some one frown and feel anger or sadness. I think you try to make people happy, even if it doesn't work, so that makes you a good person." Those words have stuck with me my whole life, and the will stay with me forever. It is so simple, and I think they are words that we should all live by everyday.

I love you all.

So I have decided to try for something new. I know I have way to many hobbies, between trying to draw, playing the Bass, brewing mead, random science projects, world domination, wood burning, blacksmithing, Kung Fu, furries, prepper stuff, sword fighting, making bow ties, Native American bead work, and probably about a dozen other things. But I have decided to try audio recording.

I'm not exactly looking to sing mind you, I may be a bird, but Ravens are better at cawing, so I'm going to continue to play with the idea I came up with for "One the Wing News". I've been told I have some of the weirdest thoughts sometimes, and I think I can make people laugh with some of them, and maybe give a different spin on actual news. So in that endeavor I have some new toys I'm setting up. I got myself a sterling audio ST51 mic, a Scarlett 2i2 usb recording interface, a boom mic desk stand, a pop filter, and some other little goodies, and I'll be recording before the new year rolls in.

I'll probably post them here and on YouTube, though that is after I get the studio set up, if you have heard my first attempt I posted here it wasn't exactly my greatest work, and we are always our greatest critics, so hopefully I can make that happen. Only time will tell.

I actually made it to 500 views, and it only took me almost 8 years. XD

I'm actually pretty happy with this, when I first started my account on here I wasn't sure I was going to get any views, but I found some ways to express myself artistically and I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere. I'd like to thank everyone that viewed my page, but I don't think I'd be able to track them down. But here is hoping I make it threw 500 more, and it not taking another 8 years. ^_^

And so it was that like a feathered monster of pocket I appeared wildly on the interwebs again. I'm sure many of you that actually read these journals of mine probably either (A) thinking of putting me in a cage so I don't fly away again, or (B) waiting for me to fly away again. And chances are I probably will pop off again. But while I am here let me see if I can fill in some of the events of the last year and a half.

First off, I had a mighty big cancer scare, and have had to deal with both my father and grandfather getting cancer. Now I'm usually the first to jump at some conspiracy theory about radioactive waste in our toilet bowls or some nonsense, but I almost would sound sane if I did given the situation. I'm going to be okay, as are the donators of my genes, so no worries there. If I was going down you can be sure I'd tell people and I would go out like jigsaw, doing what I love.

As for my art, well I have tried to draw again and it made me sadfaced and so I hid everything I did in a box and threw it in vat of cement. I always try to do something artistic, and it always makes me feel subpar, and then I do what birds do best, eat my weight in food, but I don't weigh that much so I suppose that is a small kindness. Maybe someday I won't be so hard on myself and I will actually post something on here that was done on paper, and by me.

I also found out that I have PTSD from my time in the army, yay. I've sought help and have found that it's the cause for my dereliction of duties, i.e. Being present on the Internet and talking to people for more then a day. It also explains why I was so spastic a few years back, I was rude to friends, and was just unpleasant to be around. Now I'm not using this as an excuse, I'm just trying to be a better bird.

Let's see, between that and my mates fear that I am going to get picked up my men in black for some of the experiments I run, I think that about covers it all. For a complete list of said experiments, just ask, but don't say I didn't warn you.

I'm glad to be back posting things, I never really left if you count me looking at posts and general flying around, but I want to get back in touch with people.

Oh, and I will be attending Anime LA this year, I know there are a few furs that attend such things, if anyone ends up being there as well or knows anyone who will be there, let me know, it be great to meet some people.

I think that should do it for now, if I think of any other updates I'll be sure to follow up on here. =P

As some of you have noticed, I did it again, went and fell off the face of the internets again. Well I am back and have been doing stuff, like burning wood and doing alchemy. =P

I'm pretty happy with how it's going so far with the burning of wood. And and a good thing too, because I'm not doing well financially. (though what else is new)

I'm thinking about letting people commission stuff out of wood, and if I can get the right thickness and get my shading down I'm going to try making some burnt badges for people. =D

I have also gotten into wood carving, so we will have to see where that ends up. Maybe you might see some furry chessboards soon, or something of the like more or less.

Well, that's it for this update me thinks, I'm just glad I'm back for now. ^_^

It had been so long sense I played this thing, I'm so glad I pulled it out, I still remember everything. I have some friends that want to start a "band", and while some of my friends are serious, most of them have never even picked up an instrument and to make things more interesting everyone has a different ideas as to what we should be doing. I personally don't care that much, I'm happy just playing, but I don't see things ending well if I can't keep people from arguing, here's hoping I can pull it off, if we make anything good, I'll be sure to share it with everyone, but that's a big if. =P

I am a bit of an mad scientist when I have the time and I have been playing with some ideas that I want to do the research into, but I want to know when I should start. My current list that I have so far goes something like this.

1. Negative Energy Field: this isn't just a area where people are in bad moods, I'm actually trying to find if there is a way to make a zone that doesn't just have zero energy, but a negative level of energy.

2. Maser: to put it simply, a laser made from microwaves.

3. Airships!: the steampunk in me wants one, so I'm thinking of making a full sized working airship to get around town.

4. Nerve Inhibitors: the ability to turn down the pain threshold, or to allow you to work with cooler or warmer things. Of course there will be safeguards.

5. Freeze gun: I had actually had a thought on how to make this work, but then forgot it before I wrote it down, I am hoping it comes back to me, but we will see.

6. Artificial photosynthesis: help with the environment while making electricity.

7. Ion cannon: pretty strait forward.

There are lists of more things I have thought about tinkering with, but for now these are the ones on my mind the most. Hope to get some good suggestions and to have something to show for it soon. =D

And about time too. I mean, I actually like school, I love to learn, and I don't mind the drive, but I seriously have no friends at this school. It's a 45 min drive to get here so it's not like I can just drive back, and I have never been good at making friends with strangers. =P

I mean I just finally got access to the Internet, so now I have the ability to talk with people, but for the most part of this semester I have been just sitting in the corner of the library. I think next semester I will go to the college closer to my house, even though its not as good of a school. Might keep me busy and less likely to build a doomsday weapon. XD

If anyone out there would like to message me on AIM or Yahoo, please, feel free, I could use the company, I'd even be down to just text, I just don't like phone calls all that much. XD

I know I keep saying I'll get on here and actually stay on here, but I seem to have a bad habit of not doing that. Lately my room mate got into a bad breakup and has been pretty depressed, and his way of dealing with depression is the internet, now this wouldn't be a problem if he didn't decided he wanted both 360's to have open NAT's at the same time so he could play blackops, now in order to use my computer I have to actually wait for him to go to sleep or my computer tries to get on the internet and is given the same IP as one of the 360's and won't connect at all. He is't home tonight so I have free reign over the webs finally. I should be on a little more often anyways now that he has started seeing women again, just these last few months have been a little hard on us all. Also a note to anyone who wants to add me on an IM, I keep getting bots that want me to add them and I don't want to, so if you add me and I don't add you back, just send me a note through here and I'll know who you are then. ^_^

So, I kind of fell away from the land of inter for some time, basically one of my room mates had the internet in their name and decided to move out. Well after a month of complaining to my other room mates that I needed the internet they finally agreed and we worked it out, Also my Paypal account is finally set up, so things are going up. I will keep posting more often on stuff now, and I still have late christmas presents for some people, you know who you are. ^_^

So, I have been having random fits of loneliness, and I am starting to get annoyed by it. I don't see many people during the day, I am usually alone all day so loneliness is to be expected, but it isn't like normal loneliness, its a depression, I can be happy and carefree most of the day, doing stuff making things happen, but then all of a sudden it hits me and I slip into that void. I am trying to stay busy, looking for work, making chainmail, listening to music and talking to people online, but none of it seems to help when this sets in. And the thing that really annoys me is the fact that I hate most humans, so I don't understand my need to be around them. I just wish I had someone around, and I know I will, and it will be soon, but no matter how much logic I put in it, it stays the same. I don't even know why I am posting this up here, I just needed to vent a little bit. It doesn't help that I am listening to sad music I guess, Oh well.

In other news, I am still working on Christmas presents, though I only have one going right now, I know there are some people interested but haven't told me what they want yet, I'll make sure to keep updating often on the progress. there are still 4 slots open.

Yup, I am on my own computer, no more sharing it with people, no more being disconnected from the internet. I am pretty happy with how things are going, The girls in the house got their own place and moved out, which means I get the master bedroom all to my self, Mwahaha! Also I am finally making some money from my dice bags, which is awesome. To celebrate I am thinking I'm going set up 5 Christmas slots of chainmail commissions for free, first come first serve. I will make any jewelry, dice bag, or necktie. I only have Black rings which I coiled and cut by hand, if you have a idea of something you want, feel free to message me and ask, I can probably figure it out pretty easy, I won't be able to do anything big due to time, But still ask, you never know. ^_^

So if you read my last journal you know that some crazy stuff happened, and that's okay. I have decided that if I go into my depression mode now I'll loose a lot so I'm just getting threw the best I can. To catch anyone up that didn't read the last journal, my Girlfriend of nearly a year decided that she was gay. Now I don't have a problem with the fact that she is gay, I want her to be happy and if that means this has to happen, then this has to happen. The problem I have is that I moved to Lancaster to be with her, I left all my friends and all my family to do so. I know no one out here besides her friends. I thought that because she broke up with me and started dating 4 days after she did that all her friends would take her side, but to my surprise the exact opposite happened, they asked if I was okay, the made sure I was fine. Some even said they didn't think she was gay she was just trying to fit in with the girls from her roller derby league. I am torn now, I don't like the feeling of being single, it's not the fact that I need someone to validate myself because I know I'm pretty awesome, it's the feeling of having love me for who I am and will support any choice I make and want me in their lives. The physical interaction with another human being is something that makes me happy, however, I hate most human beings with such a passion that its hard to put myself out there. I want to start dating again, she is already over me and I have accepted that, we are even still good friends, but to find someone worth dating and feeling for requires me to go look for it. I spend most of my days in my house alone working on chainmail and watching TV, if I were to leave I don't know where I would go, this area is still really new to me. I feel trapped looking out the window at a town that is filled with crime, I can't go even one day without the sound of sirens filling the air. I know there are good people out there, I have met them. The fact is I will not go to a bar, there are no cool clubs that I know of, I have no job, very little money, and no life. I'm feeling down not because she left me for a woman, I'm feeling down because I feel like my life is growing stagnant. There is a woman that I do like, but she is trying to figure her life out, she is going threw a lot too. We both have told each other how we feel, but there is still so much in the air. I want to wait for her, and I'm willing to, but I feel like I should be doing something.

I don't know why I write everything here, I think just putting my feelings out there helps me get them off my chest. Also when I write I am able to sort threw things better. I don't want anyone reading this to think I am having a pity party, I am not emo or angsty, I just think far to much.

Now that all that is off my chest there is some good news, I have sold quite a few dice bags, I'm really surprised that they are doing so well. I wish I could get paid a little more then $5 for them, but I do understand that keeping the price low will help them get more sold. The store sells them for $10 so I get 50% of the profit, but I can't pay the bills at maybe $7 a day. It also takes up all my free time. I'm hoping to find a way to make them faster, that will allow me to get a little more for them. All in all though, I feel accomplished, I am doing something I love and getting paid for it.

Well that's all for now, there is a pizza with my name on it calling my name. =3

So I haven't been on here in a bit, and a lot has happened.

1st the computer I had been using fried so I have been having to us my phone to use the internet, its not very reliable but its something.

2nd I got a job, and lost a job in less then a month. Well that's jumping to conclusions, I began work as a door to door sales man at the beginning of this month and last week I was told I would be given my schedule after my boss and the doctor I worked for had a talk about the game plan, I haven'e gotten my schedule and I haven't gotten paid, they haven't even tried to call me, so I assume the fired me.

3rd My Youngest son turned 2 years old this month, on the 18th. I still haven't seen them in two years, I've never held my youngest. Their mom left me for her ex way back when and moved to Florida. The jerk left her recently and left her pregnant.

4th I have sold my dice bags at the local gaming store, and they want to make it a big thing, its kind of cool.

5th and this is the big one. three days ago my girlfriend of ten months came to me and told me she was gay. It came as surprise, and a shock. I am devastated and blame myself even though she says she has always felt this way. She tells everyone she warned me, though she did it once, in a joke, ten months ago. I don't know what to do about it, or even if there is anything I could do. This isn't like a normal breakup, if I get mad and tell her I am not okay with her being gay, which goes against everything I believe in, I loose a friend, but if I pretend that nothing is wrong when I'm dying inside that's not going to help either. How is it the woman I love so much is gay, that is just far to cruel for fate to do to me, for me to now be best friends with the woman I love and to know I can never lay a hand on her again or kiss her goodnight. The fates have done some cruel things before, but this is the worst. I know there is nothing I can ever do, and I know that this is how it is, but it doesn't stop the pain you know?

Well that is an update of my life, and my rant of the month. Oh, and I also saw that after all the years I have had this account, I have reached 200 views, may not be much, but its exciting to me. Little things make me happy.

I don't know why it seems so hard to find work sometimes, I've been looking for a job for about 5 months and still nothing. I'm keeping my head up though cause I know I'll find something. Plus I should be able to start school in the spring, so that good. I don't know, I feel stuck and its annoying.

Some good news though. Now that I am on the computer more I am actually able to make some more friends in the fandom and actually do stuff online. I only really ever had a handful of furry friends, but now I need more then two hands to count them on. It's kind of bad ass.

I think when I save up enough from either doing commissions or after I get a job I'll be able to actually go to a convention and finish my fur suit, but until then I am content just doing stuff online. Well that and I still want to try to get some local furs together to do something. I also have decided to upload some of the poems/lyrics that I wrote a while back, it makes sense to but them up now that I have the chance to do so, they may not be good in my eyes, but others have liked them.

My life really isn't that exciting I'm sad to say. I like to update my journal from time to time with the goings on of my life but the most exciting thing that I have been up to is Dead Island. It's a fun game, but I have the feeling it would be more fun with more people. =P

So I've been thinking about doing something with some furries for a while, but my issue is that I don't know that many in California that that would be willing to meet in Lancaster and go do stuff. But now that I have met a new one here and the fact that the lion king is going to be playing in 3D I am feeling like now is a good time to try. And I know,"furries in the desert? that will never work, they'll burst into flames!" but you never know till you try. If anyone reads this and knows the best place to advertise a furmeet would be or is interested feel free to leave me a note. I just want to do something, its boring here and I want to just do stuff, until I can actually make it to a con.

Oh and in other news, I am going to be starting my very own fursuit soon. My lady friend who happens to not be furry is not pleased with the idea, but oh well, she is supportive. I just nee to find the money and time to get started, and I'll put some pics up when I do. ^_^

I have figured out my Paypal account, so now all that is needed is price guide and we are set for commissions. I'm thinking for now doing $10 per bracelet, $20 per choker necklace or collar, and $30 per dice bag, plus shipping of course, need to make sure I can get this stuff out. If something in particular is wanted like a special order, I'm sure we can come up with something, prices are negotiable. I'll post more detail on my info, but for now this is what I got. Just send me a Note if you are interested and I will send you the info I need. Also it will be first come first serve, some people have already shown interest, you know who you are and you will come first.

Now I must sleep, then I will make a little more sense and be able to set things up a little more neater.

Well, it happened, I got something on here. I can't say its good, but its something. Also, I plan on putting more chainmail pics up here, dice bags, bracelets, and such and my shirt I'm making when its done. My art is still not as good as I'd like and I never have time to write, but when I have something from both of these areas as well I'll be sure to upload them for all to see, as long as I don't criticize myself to much.

Also I know not a lot of people read this, but I just like getting my thoughts written down somewhere. =P

So a little bit ago I went down to visit my girlfriend and while there I was playing with her sisters dog. now I know there is nothing wrong with that, however, I happened to trip and to keep my face and skull from turning to goo, I tucked and rolled like I learned in the kung fu. in the proses of doing this however I seemed to miss aim my entire body and landed on their entertainment center with my kidney. it was very painful and I wont be doing that again unless I was being paid. now the problem is that sense this happened my spine has been acting funny, it will pop for no reason and then I just double over in pain. The whole event has reminded me that the funniest things in life tend to be the most painful. just thought I should share my most recent spell of stupidity.

In other news, I noticed that now that I have a job I can actually go to a con for once, I'll be saving up and trying to get to FC. this will be my first con so I am really excited.

Also, I know I am always saying that I'll put something up here and never do, and I guess thats because I'm super critical about anything I draw, write, or whatever so I stall and procrastinate. But I am happy to say I'm actually writing something I feel I can put on here and wont feel bad about later. It should be up in a week or so, but don't take my word for it, I always say that and I never do keep my deadlines. =P

Yes folks, I'm back, and this time I have a real job, and that means real internet. I don't know what to do with myself really, so much to do and I don't know when to start. I just figure that I should try to get in touch with people again and "try" to be social. I've also been doing artsy things again, but my computer decided to die on me, i'm currently on one I'm borrowing from my friend. Its a gateway that was top of the line in its time, with its 20 gb hard drive! Well anyway, I'm back, have a new girlfriend who is amazing, and life is looking up. I hope to make some new friends soon and see some old ones.