Fellas, and penis having people who want to keep them. We need to have a discussion. I know nobody likes to talk about this stuff. Its embarrassing. Nobody wants to think there testosterone is low. For some more masculine types it is often emasculating to think about and to discuss. Even if you don't want to talk about it, its important to listen. I am on my second week of injections and the difference is night and day. If your constantly feeling low. having a hard time thinking and focusing. If your having a hard time keeping or getting erections. If you seam to loose interest in the things you used to love to do. If your having a hard time sleeping or feeling rested. Its not always just "Depression" and the world is bad. I feel like my mind has been unshackled. My mood has done a complete 180. Its not just the "T" Doing it.. Its the sleep. I instantly started sleeping better, deeper, longer. I am not getting up as much to pee in the night. I remember the first nigh I woke up and it was like I had been deprived of O2 for 100 years. I actually had the reverse of a headache. I had this warm pleasant feeling in my head after the first night. It felt like I hadn't "Actually" Slept in like 10 years. For once I am feeling happy in my mind. ( Aside the world falling down around us and such... But i don't wanna talk about that right now...) so In short, if your feeling like crap all the time for seemingly no reason other than you think you might be getting older GO GET YOUR TESTOSTERONE CHECKED!!

Hello y'all, I am sorry i haven't posted in a long time. Its been a while sense Ive been able to finish anything because of work and all. But i am a tad more active on my telegram channel if you want to see what I am working on.

https://t.me/remosassortedprojects

Warning: Personal medical talk. won't be gross but its TMI. Read at your own peril.
To the ones around me that may read this. None of this is any of your faults. This is all on me.

I have recently been diagnosed with Low "T", and i think it might be affecting me more than I realise. The world (My world, of perception.) lately sort of has this Grey haze over it. Nothing I do seems to bring me any sort of joy. I used to use drawing as a way to untangle my mind, but now its like I can't be bothered. I am trying to fill that void with something because I know my mind needs some sort of outlet, Even if it's not the normal outlet I use. I've been playing more video games lately. But that even seems to have a blanket of gray falling over it. As for the specific shade of gray, perhaps a cobblestone, or mayhap Pewter.
I am sort of ashamed to admit I've been having a hard time keeping my temper in its normal place.
Nothing to serious, but its off its mark and it bothers me. I have an appointment to see the urologist....In January of 2024.
So, I guess I'll just be Mister Grey untill then...
I am frustrated that I am finding it so difficult to be happy. I am a believer in the idea, that happiness comes from within one's own self, but it's like someone blew out my pilot light. I am making wonderful friends and I am sure to surround myself with the best people. I am finally employed, just like I wanted. I am making money and doing my part in the household. Playing a bunch of new games, posting videos on youtube, Losing weight, putting back my farm boy muscle. I should be ecstatic! but all I can manage is a "Meh".
Like WTF brain?!

So like after threeish years without having a job I landed one a little over a month and a half ago. I like my job for the most part I don't mind the physical labor of working in a large chain hardware store. There is a lot, of information coming at me all the time and i don't think I am processing it fast enough. I am worried about keeping my job as i am still to large for the majority of the power equipment. I am to big for the reach truck, The harnesses wont go around me for the picking truck... On top of all that, i am expected to get on said power equipment and lift myself up in the air to tend to the top shelves. I am terrified of heights. I've seen what people do on them and I can't do it ..So far I have been alright on there Stareway like ladders. Those don't go all the way to the top a lot of the time and I am expected to go higher and some of those machines wobble a lot. I am embarrassed and ashamed that I am afraid, and I don't want my co-workers to see me that way...

"Well you just have to do it until you get over it."

It does not work that way for me. I have been working on getting over this fear all my life to little success. I don't know what to do. I once again feel hopeless, useless and stupid...

Warning: This Journal entry contains a lot of very personal information about me. I am not putting this here to sway you away from reading, just to simply inform you that this whole journal is TMI.

This past year or so has been perty challenging for me. Dealing with my mental health "post" COVID. Dealing with my physical health, and then my mental health again. This past year I've been on a personal journey to "Make Myself Better". I've lived a very secluded lifestyle for a long time. Not just through COVID But long before. It started in my 20's when I became a trucker. I put on over 100 pounds, and it hasn't been getting better since. I've always known I've had a problem, but never had the fortitude to make that problem go away. After Trucking, I became a security guard, and I dropped about 50 pounds at one point. But, yet again that job turned into one where all I did was patrole a small building every hour and push a button to open and close a gate. All of those jobs were lonely, toxic. I worked for Circle K for about 3 months as a cashier It got me up, but it was the single most toxic work environment I've ever been in and i'll be happy if I never have to do it again. All that leaves scars on ones brain. All I've ever known, is toxic work environments, Thinking positive work environments were as fictional as unicorns. After we moved to Oklahoma Covid hit. Being the fat, diabetic, asthmatic that I am I was given the choice by my most wonderful husband, to avoid having to expose myself to much to COVID. As we know, that was back in 2019. Up until a couple of weeks ago I haven't had a job. It is only thanks to my friend Jomak that I've managed to finally regain employment. *Much Gratitude*. If it weren't for all the support of the people around me and even some who are very distant, I don't think I would have made it. Especially the support of my spouse (Brendan) and my roommate (Tuck/Andy). I also have other people to thank. A List of which will be at the end. I've come to a point. A Shifting I think might be for the good. I work in the flooring department of a popular chain of hardware store's. You wouldn't think that would be a physically demanding job, but to this point in my life it's been one of the most physically and mentally difficult things ive had to do in a long time. I spent the week or so before the interview...afraid. Seams like a silly thing for a big dude like me to be frightened of. During the interview, I was told what would be asked of me. I felt my face go pale. There was a point in my life not to long ago, that I couldn't walk to the stop sign at the end of the block without it absolutely crushing me. I was panting and trying to stand up straight, bracing myself against my jeep just to make it back into where I lived. It was honestly shameful how out of shape I was, and honestly still am. Even though ive now gotten myself up to where i can walk nearly five miles a day, I am burning over 3,500 Calories a day, just walking. Now mind you I know those sorts of readings aren't very accurate, but it is showing that my activity shot up from nearly zero to %100. On the first day. I truly did not think I was going to make it. That first day was agony, though it did not hurt my back nearly as much as i thought it would. The second day I did not eat enough before going to work and about 2 hours in I crashed hard and ended up having to go home. I honestly thought I'd lost my job right there. I continue to be shocked at how forgiving this place is being with me. I believe I totally bombed the interview. I couldn't answer half his questions, and above all I did the thing you're never supposed to do in an interview. I was honest. I told him " Hey man I am gonna be straight up with you. I've never doe a job like this before. I've never worked in an actual "Team" based environment before. I don't know how I am going to do. I am a really big man in not so good health. I've got gout, shit could take me out for a week, so I understand if you don't want to hire me." But, in the end I ended up getting the " Your Hired" handshake anyway. I am still not quite sure how, but I am not going to punch a gift horse in the mouth. ( Yes, I know that's not how the saying goes.)Now that I've been doing it for about a week, things are already getting easier, physically speaking.Mind you things are still hard, but I feel like my body is waking up. Is all I really needed just a little exercise? I find that my guts are getting better. I am not having to, do the doo nearly as often as before. My guts dont hurt, and I am finding that my back and knees are actually hurting less than they were before. I am also finding that my attitude and mood have switched gears. I feel happier, and I seem to worry less. I used to fear the pain of physical activity. Now that I am doing it however, I "am" keeping up. Granted I only work part time at 6 hours a day, but you know what. that's fine for the time being. ATM I think that's all I can take anyway lol.
For once in my life, I don't mind putting in the effort at work because so far, management is being nice to me o.o. Again not punching a gift horse in the mouth, as that horse looks suspiciously like a unicorn... But it still throws me off. I am not used to going to the bathroom without asking first. I guess it seems kind of silly now that I've given that a voice, but as a trucker and as a security guard, a lot of the time I did not get to go to the bathroom when I needed to. Nor was I allowed to be seen sitting down as either a cashier or as a patrolling security guard. Now, I can just go whenever I need. My supervisor walked up on me sitting on product to do a task low to the ground. He fist bumped me and told me I was doing a good job and left me to my work without micromanaging me or looking over my shoulder all the time. That little thing honestly shocked me. Ide been preparing to get scolded.
Help is not always prompt, but I always eventually get help, and so far I've not gotten any attitude for it at all. If I need to lift something heavy, there's always someone willing to give a hand, and I find that that sort of attitude makes me want to help, makes me not hate my job. Up until this point, every job I've had, I have hated doing because of constantly being harassed by management over one thing or another. Most (not all) of the co-workers I've ever had have ended up being toxic in some form or another. Thats been the driver for a lot of my fear. Just being plunged neck deep into yet another toxic work environment where all I want to do is make myself small and unnoticeable. In my last job. I rejected advancement on more than one occasion because I hated management and wanted to be as far away from them as possible. For so long, i'd never even considered advancement an any job. Now, i think that might be a possibility if i can manage to keep up with the flood of all new information essentially being poured into my head I think I actually might have a chance to advance with this job. Assuming I don't suffer from a bad case of "Foot in Mouth" Disorder. My social skills aren't great, Sometimes i catch myself swearing when something does not go my way. As one does, but I do my best not to curse to much at work.

When it comes down to the brass tacks (hardware), This may not have been a job I initially wanted, but I think it may be the job I need. It's getting me off my fat duff and moving and with the amount I am moving, I may not be fat for very long. The last year has, forced me to come to terms with something I thought I had a good handle on. My own mortality. I don't want to be another American statistic. I don't want to die of a stroke...I don't want to have a massive heart attack. I know I could lose all the weight in the world and that could still happen. But i think i'd like to better my chances. I think I might like to live past 70.

I feel like I have so little to give back to all the people around me, the least I could do is give out the proper gratitude.
Brendan Blockade (Smart, Sexy, wonderful Hubby, who has supported me and kept me alive and sane through the worst of my hardships. I would marry him again a thousand thousand million times.)
Tuck ( room mate and one of my very best friends. Has taught us both how to go shopping, and we wouldn't be eating nearly as good without him.)
Jomack ( A good friend, who puts up with me even when I get a little odd. Who got me my new job. Is also a rather good teacher.)
Nightrider Sharpclaw ( Who has given me so many things, and so much of his love and friendship, I am not sure how I would ever repay the immense kindness and love he has shown me.)
Paw Paw ( I am not sure you know how much you help me get through my days, especially those days when I am feeling alone.)
Kawasaki ( A good good friend of mine who lives a very long way away. You are a wonderful friend and you are always there.)

Thank you. You all mean a lot to me and I love you all. Without you, I wouldn't have made it this far. If you feel Ive left you off this list, feel free to tell me why. Thank you.

So judging by the way y'all pick Faves on this site you want me to draw more dick's...


...Understood.

The last six days have be some of the roughest of my life, and some of the most physically painful. Last Thursday on 6/2/2022 I was suffering from a case of gout, which at first I did not think was to bad of a flair up. I have had them in the past and I could ether get them to go away on there own, or use other methods to break up the crystals in my joints. Aka Apple cider vinegar and apple juice, baking soda or cranberry juice. At about 3:00 in the morning something changed. Suddenly I was feeling more pain than I ever had before with gout. I was writhing on the sofa (Texting a friend of mine Jomack, who convinced me that I needed to go to the ER in the first place.) in the living room unable to move, my screaming going unheard for a while until I managed to putt my leg in an office chair and scoot back to the bedroom where my husband was sleeping. I woke him up and I told him I thought there was something wrong and that I probably needed to go to the ER. After a little deliberation and waking my room mate we decided that this was not going to go away or let up, so I had Tuck drive me and Brendan to the hospital. ( Of which I am eternally grateful for.) After of course going down a flight of stares...
It was in fact a good thing that I went to the ER. I was in so much pain when I got there I was sweating bullets and still writhing in pain. They came in and gave me some morphine ( which i thought would have killed the pain, but all it did was was turn it down to a level where I could think, and get me high as fuck. The doctor came in and told me what they thought it was and what they were going to need to do to me to determine if this was in fact what was going on. They needed to do an ankle tap, and for those of you who don't know what that is, its like a spinal tap but for your ankle. Needless to say i was terrified, but I agreed and signed the paperwork needed.
Shortly after they got to work, giving me a local anesthetic, which might I add, didn't do shit. I mean it did of course but it sure did not feel like it. After numbing me up, they needed to guide the monster of all needles between my ankle bones and into the pouch of joint juice, while bending my foot downwards to get a good angle.( For those of you who have ever had gout Needless to say I am glad it was only the doctors that heard my screams... It felt like it went on for ages and I am not sure how I managed to keep myself from kicking out with my other leg. To this point in my life that is the single most painful experience I have ever had and I think I am going to have nightmares about it for a while. They finally finished and determined that I did indeed have an ankle infection, which had been set off by the gout attack. They told me that they needed to do an emergency surgery to wash out my ankle joint. And at that point I would have done anything to make the pain stop. If the situation had been different, and that had been a torture method rather than a medical procedure I am ashamed to say that I would have spilled the beans.
They then had me sign more papers and wheeled me back to the OR. Flat on my back in a bright and cold room with three nurses and I am assuming my doctor ( they were all wearing masks, I never saw anyone's face the whole time I was in the hospital.) Looking down at me. It felt like I was being abducted by aliens. They game me oxygen and started an IV, which they filled with liquid sleep. After that the next think I remember is waking up in recovery with my head spinning. I don't recall what was said in those few minutes where I woke up and they wheeled me up to my room. Soon after a couple of other people came in and started a Pick IV Line, which if you have never had one is an IV that leads right down into the Aorta artery just above your heart. ( as of writing this, its still there.) I sort of kind of don't mind it tho because it saves me being poked by a thousand other needles. The next five days were a blur of RN's Techs and orderly's coming into my room at all hours of the day and night to take blood, blood pressure. I could not go to the bathroom on my own for most of that time so I was urinating in bottles and having the orderly's help clean up my rear end and get me to and from the bed side commode and my bed. Brendan and Andy were there for me as much as they could be. Work still had to be done and bills and doggos still had to be taken care of and I can't thank them enough for there support through all this. Even now as I sit here again in front of my computer for the first time in six days Brendan is doing everything he can for me, as I am still unable to move around very much and I know he is having a hard time managing work and taking care of me. This morning my blood pressure was very high again, and that sent me into a spiral. I got really depressed and cried for a while, which is not something I do very often, but all the events from the last six days just cam spilling out of me.Here in about half an hour or so an In-home nurse is going to be coming by and giving me my antibiotics. This will happen twice a day for a while till the wound on my leg heels up.

Thank thoes of you who took the time to read this. I am not sure why i feel the need to write it all down for everyone to read but here it is.

Hello again,
Its been a little while sense my past journal. I have sense seen a Mental health doctor. I have gotten my blood sugar mostly under control, and gotten my blood pressure down to a manageable level. I am getting new, proper fitting diabetic shoes with the proper inserts so I can hopefully walk without so much pain in my feet, ankles, knees, hips and back. ( Which I might add is hard to get people to understand. "Why don't you just walk to loose weight?" Bitch, walking hurts!) I had a scare there where me and Brendan had eaten some bad meet and my blood pressure shoot through the roof. I actually blue the cuff of the blood pressure monitor. I was in Strokesville there for a while and I was more than a tad worried as I had to go to the ER to see what was up. I lost like thirty five pounds and shot back up thirty in less than a month and a half. I blame that on the medication I am taking. I got some new medication that both helps my ADHD, anxiety and depression, so I am feeling much better on that front too. Ive started getting out more too, and making new friends. Ive been isolating for a long time, and I think its time to get back out into the world again, COVID be damned. I cant take the isolation any more. I don't have the mental capability to wait for everyone to follow the rules anymore. I am Vaccinated and boosted *shrug* Me and Brendan both recently found out that we were at the breaking point and that something needed to change, so we are.
We have a Car coming for us from Carvana, a nice Hyundai Sonata, which will allow me to finally get a job of my own instead of festering here in my computer chair for another year of nearly constant masturbation and self loathing...
I am drawing quite a bit lately, though due to the past week or so of back pain Iv been kind of slacking off. Ive been writing quite a bit as well, though I am perhaps not as good at that as I am other things. lol
I am also happy to report that Brendan found another hobby over the past couple of weeks. Leather Craft. So far hes made a holster, a pocket organizer, and a belt for me ^^
Other than that I don't think I have much more to say at the moment, but i look forward to making updates more often once the ball starts rolling again.
Thank those of you who took the time to read my update. ^^

This is probably for me, more than anyone else I suppose. I know there are a couple of you who have some of the same problems I do, so I am open to suggestions. I know the first suggestion is going to be " You should talk to a doctor about it." Which, I can't disagree with, but I live in the united states. My husband makes to much to get government healthcare but we don't make enough to pay for a therapist or doctor to ask about it. When it comes to the medication, I cant use the stimulants because I already take things for high blood-pressure and I don't need anything else giving me high BP... I have been doing a lot of research on Adult ADHD lately, and there is a lot about it i was not actually aware of. For instance, People with ADHD are more prone to bad sleep schedules, often staying up later and later and being tired the next day, which contributes to the lack of sleep which can lead to deeper pits of depression. That's something I struggle with, especially without a job. My sleeping patterns have been and are all over the place. One week ill be sleeping during the day, other weeks Ill sleep at night like a normal person. I used to joke that I did not have a circadian rhythm, and I honestly thought I might have over ridden that biological process, as I was so used to being on the night shift. None of the jobs I have had have helped me with that issue either. As a trucker, you drive when you have the hours, no matter the time of day or night. I did that for tow years and for the next five years after that i worked the night shift as a local run guy. Being a security guard is not much better, often called to work long stents of night shift before swapping back over to day shift. I quit doing security work when we moved out here to Oklahoma and I haven't had a job sense. (I am a overweight asthmatic, I am an 'at risk' individual with type 2 diabetes.) So my sleep is all over the place. Ill get into doing a drawing or something, and get so involved with it that i loose hours of time and by the time i think to look up at the clock, eight hours have passed and Brendan is getting out of bed. I have a hard time tearing myself away from things, to go do other things I need to get done, and i seam unable to focus on the things i need to get done if my mind is wondering else where. That's not something I have ever been able to control, and it sounds like a silly thing but it is one of my biggest issues. The thing i hate the most is the look on peoples faces when they can see my mind wandering while they are talking to me. my eyes glaze over and my mind is off else where because it ether needs, more or less input. It makes it seam like I don't want to listen to what they have to say, or I am not interested. )(If this ever happens when we are talking, Please keep in mind that its not something I have control over, Even though it may seam like I should.)( So, As a result of all that, School has always been incredibly hard for me. Even when I was on the ADD medication as a kid, I did not do well and now i am terrified of it because the meds they had me on would really mess with my emotions. It would make me break down and cry for no reason as a kid. I would be coming down off the medication and any little thing would set me off, make me easily frustrated. I would lash out and break things and yell and scream at people. I don't really do that as an adult, and I would be mortified if I started taking one of these medications and said something to someone that I did not mean.
On that note, when I get the chance and can afford to I am going to talk to my doctor. I am 36 years old, and I think I would finally like to be set free of this fog over my mind. I want to think clearly, and be able to more able to regulate myself..
Another day, Another step on the road to making myself better.

This last week or so has been rough for me. I am okay now. But, I have come to the conclusion that I have some mental issues that need to be addressed and taken care of. I was not aware I had gotten so bad until I was presented with a chance to do something fun with a friend of mine I was invited to go see a concert in Kentucky for five days. I said I would go, because that sounded like something Pre-pandemic me would have wanted to do. I want/wanted to see some of my favorite bands and hang out with some of my best friends. But after the facts set in and I began to think about it the anxiety started to build inside me. It did not take long before it grew to an impossible to deal with feeling. I woke up the next morning and dry heaved into the bath tub for ten minutes, and could not eat until well into the day. the day and night after that my heart felt like it had a thousand angry butterfly's going nuts. I was hot and sweaty in my face and chest, sweating bullets. Logically, I shouldn't have any reason to feel the way I do/did. I am embarrassed to say I called my friend at work and ugly cried over the phone. I must have raised her stress levels quite a bit and for that I apologize...That's not a thing that happens to me often, and I am not sure how to deal with It. I think Brendan had seen me cry like that a couple of times, and we have been together for 10 years. I am in a spot now, where I understand that i have a problem, and I am taking steps to correct that problem. Its going to take some time. I have been dealing with personal seclusion for a long time now. We lived with another Friend in New Mexico for like three years or so, and in that time I worked nights as a security guard at a place where you saw only a few people a day, and spoke to mostly nobody. I got to the point where everything just seamed to be home and work. I just stayed home the rest of the time. Being on nights, I was never awake for long enough during the day to do anything, so i secluded myself. I did that for like 4 years before the pandemic, and when the pandemic hit after we moved out here and I haven't had a job in two years now. I am a diabetic Asthmatic so I am on the list of "At Risk" people, so I haven't bothered to try very hard to get a job, as we are in a situation where I do not absolutely have to right now. Anyway I am high and rambling right now so Ill get to the point, I have some mental issues I am dealing with right now and I am doing what I can to manage them in a healthy way. Thank you for your understanding and support.

I know a lot of you might think I am out of my mind, but, I think we need to start preparing our selves for alien contact withing the next 10 years or so. The evidence I have seen is overwhelming, the technology behind some of theses things we have been seeing and recording in our sky's for the passed 50 years is not from earth. are there hoaxes, yes. Have I been fooled by some of them? Yes. But I have a hard time believing that all the evidence I have seen is all fake especially the stuff form the worlds military's. Do I know their motives? No. Are they communicating with me? No. But I do believe the governments of the world are hiding things from us. Less lately, but hiding things none the less.I don't have any real evidence, other than what we see on the news or the things the military lets us see. But i think the time is coming to prepare our minds for first contact.

Okay this is a fair warning that this here is going to be TMI for most of you so if you don't care to read about parts of me that would not normally be on display please don't bother reading this and know that I am recovering, Albeit slowly....
Okay, so. I don't know what it is I had. I don't know if it was COVID, Or the flu, I never went and got tested for it at all, Shame on me. But this past few weeks has been three or four sets of hell stacked. It has been a very long time since I have been sick at all, and normally when I do get sick its something like a small sniffle or a lingering cough, but normally I can go about my day . This time was not the case. Everyone else in the apartment got it before I did. I knew when i had gotten it when i got that tickle in the back of my throat and I sprung a little cough. My cheeky ass thought that this was going to be the worst of it and I even said as much to Brendan and Tuk...Next time I am going to keep my fat mouth shut..The cough progressively got worse and my breathing got worse and worse as the days went on. The coughing got so bad every-time I coughed, I felt as if my head would explode and my sides would split. This went on for a day or so until I figured out the right medication to take. Then I had the issue of not being able to sleep a few days after that and I spent a good 4 days doing nothing but staring at a wall all night before getting up in frustration. then i got some help in the form of "Weed" From a friend of mine, which thankfully knocked me the fuck out. Which I am grateful for because i was getting sick of seeing the little brown spiders and feeling the constant itching in my legs. Fast-forward a couple of days and I have this pain in my ass... Literally, hubby said I had some fairly big hemorrhoids down there which about an hour later, burst... yay me. I proceed to bleed all over the place for the next week and I eventually resort to stuffing paper towels up there so I can save the bed sheets. Now, my ass has stopped bleeding... thank the gods. Now I have another issue. It looks like someone has smashed my foreskin with a hammer, feels like someone did too. I've been putting pain relieving Neosporin on it and thankfully that has kept it from hurting to badly. Hopefully that will correct the issue because I can't afford to go to the doctor right now. Other than that I seem to be recovering from all the other things normally, it's just all this extra excess stuff I am worried about

I have been saying for the past couple of years that I cant sleep during the night time. No matter how hard I try and no mater what people say, sleeping at night is impossible for me. I have been trying to sleep at night for the past three or four months and my quality of life just seamed to be going down the shitter bit by bit. The pain in my body was reaching levels to where when i would get some light sleep at night I would wake up wanting to cry because my legs and hips hurt so badly. I would get so little sleep i would get up the next day and within an hour i would be nodding off in my office chair. falling out of it more than once and hitting the floor with my face or belly. I still have a bruise on my belly from when I fell the least time.
One bloody day I choose to sleep during the day. I only wake up twice to pee, instead of five or six times. My sleep is solid and i have woken up pain free for the first time in months. I have been up for a few hours now and haven't had the urge to go to sleep again. No bad dreams or night terrors and my mind is so far much clearer than it has been in a long while.

So, In closing. I guess its official now. I am %100 night owl, and from now on ill be sleeping during the day. I will be the first one to take the night shift, and be in bed by 10:00 am.

Sleeping last night, and felt as if I was half awake at the same time. asleep but able to hear my surroundings. I was unable to wake myself, unable to move, and I could hear movement and the taps on my sinks turning on and off in my RV which is where I live. I could feel my dog laying against me and she was not moving so I gathered that I was sleeping and imagining the whole thing. but i found it disturbing how difficult it was to wake myself up. I have an infection in my wisdom tooth on my lower right and taking Acetaminophen for the pain.

Okay fellas. I know Ive asked a few of you in the past, but I am still not clear on how I should feel. As most of you know I was born male. Over the past couple of years I have been questioning my sexual identity a bit. Ive felt kind of strange about it because I don't desire to be one sex or the other, but a mixture of both. I over all have no desire to change my body, aside loosing weight and having some of my hair back...And Not having a penis. I am fine with my male shape. As I go on through life, I am becoming more and more distant with my more masculine self and that bit of male genitalia that comes with it. It has done nothing for me but make me feel...Shame?... No I am not sure that the right word....inadequate, and perhaps more than a little useless as a male. I have sex with someone and then feel shame when I can't preform, or make my partner feel good. I am not small, but I am not very large at the same time. Granted I have some other health issues that do not help that issue. I am over weight by like, a lot and I know that is a contributing factor, but that has not always been the case and I have always seamed to have these issues, healthy or unhealthy.
I do not desire hormone therapy, nor do I desire breasts and a feminine voice. I suppose I am just seeking validity in my own eyes.
Is this something I can even acquire?
Are my feeling insulting to other Trans people?
If my feelings are valid, what should my next step be?
If I find that his is truly what "I' want should I seek it out?
Is what I want also considered Trans? Or just gender fluid?
These are only some of the questions I have that I have not been able to answer.
Any help would be most welcome.

My dreams just keep getting worse and worse...This time I was being chased by hordes and hordes of cannibals. Its times like these that I hate my imagination. Apparently back in the 80's in Afghanistan ( where i have never been.) there was sort of a patient Zero of sorts who was forced to eat human flesh. then it apparently spread like a virus trough this city where everyone became this sort of dirty mummified looking Zombie cannibal people, and the more I managed to fight off the bigger and bigger the ones that came after me. The biggest one they sent after me was like eight feet tall and a crowbar to the skull did not do shit. I would like to give my fucked up imagination an award for special effects and makeup because holy shit I never wanna fucking sleep again after that. What gets me is this nightmare was trying to have a since of humor. Sunken-face, squint eyed batman with a costume made out of human flesh who I think was trying to help me?...At any rate there were bodies and shit everywhere, skin and body parts falling off people, like long pork vendors on the street selling cannibal kabobs. It was so bad at one point I actually woke up gagging. I do not have the words to describe ho bad it was. At the end of the dream they ended up carpet bombing the whole town as the cannibals fled in panic and terror. Just to be clear, I did not eat human flesh in the nightmare nor did I get eaten, for those of you who decide you want to look into it.

I've got this thing, where if a certain part of my face is touched in the right way, I have this strange sensation that I don't understand. Its like a localized orgasm, but in my face. The roof of my mouth tickles and tingles, and my eyes want to roll into the back of my head and I loose the ability to think. This sensation can last up to a few minutes. I keep asking around but I cant seam to figure out what this sensation is. The even stranger thing is that it mostly occurs when I am licked...This sensation is not even remotely sexual. I do not become sexual aroused by it or anything. The reason i say that is that it is most often set off by my dog, who will occasionally sneak a lick at my face during play time. Brendan has done it a few times too but the doggo seams to know where the spot on my face is at any given time. Is there a name for this sensation. Does anybody else experience any similar sensations? I would really like to get to the bottom of this...

A mouth of Broken teeth,
A Shaking scream; dreaming?
Bloody sink, Another nightmare.
~Remo Blockade~

Fucking dreams dude...I have been having a lot of these kinds of dreams lately. they are frequently disturbing.
I was back in my grandmothers old place, before she died. though i think she was both dead and alive at the same time. I wake up to hear her screaming. I go see what wrong and she is raving about being possessed by a demon. I told her i could see it to. Which of course i could in the passed. All the while, after i had eaten a piece of caramel candy, the candy sticks to my teeth so bad I have to pull it off with my fingers. But the more and more i pull off my teeth the more and more there is in my mouth, to where i am collecting big balls of sticky caramel candy out of my mouth. This happens more and more as i try to help my grandmother. But after i pass her room her still form is draped head to toe with a blanket and some reason i cant look at her. But other times she is alive and walking around.
I cant help but think i was in contact with the spirit of my grandmother, who has been dead for over a decade.

Here in a little over a month, will be the ten year anniversary hear on Fur Affinity. I guess, i am a grey muzzle now, and have been for a while. Hear in little over a month ill be 34. I am old, but not old enough to be in this bad a shape. lol

Okay guys Ive got a strange question for you. I have been experiencing something that a couple of other people have confirmed for me and I want to know how many of you experience the same thing.
Off and on through out my life i have felt things on my bed at night. I am wide awake and even when I had no animals living in my house or apartment, ( Granted i have five cats now but none are aloud in the bedroom.) I have felt cat feet walking across my bed at night. Ill look up and nothing will be there. I had the same sensation this morning. i woke up to paws on my bed and crawling over me. Has any one else felt these things?

She terrifies me, I don't know how she got there but she is the single most frightening thing I have ever seen.
Sometimes I have this nightmare. Not every night, not every week, not every month and not every year. but every time I am there the seen plays to my imagination. I am standing in a grand ballroom, Surrounded by rich frumpy people. there is a center stairway that runs up the middle of the room that is carpeted in plush red carpet with gold laves and feathers on it. One side of the stairway looks fine but the other side looks designed to be a challenge to the athletically minded. I am there with friends, and this time it was a furry convention. I don't know why I never remember, but this door beyond the messed up stair way calls to me. " Come! Come a great adventure is waiting for you." And I know where it goes, This steel door with a plane brass handle. It leads to the never ending stair way. and I tell my friends ( my husband being among them.) "Look guys I've been here before and if you like creepy stuff.." I point to the door." You'll shit your pants when you see whats behind that door. there is a stair case in there that I cant find the bottom to." And whats always in my head at that time is ' Its realy not that deep, You'll find the bottom this time easy. your friends will all be unimpressed and call you a moron behind your back afterwords.' what always happens in this nightmare is that we go in to the door after we get around the crazy obstacles and find this old abandoned warehouse like place that hasn't been touched in like fifty years. Its Gray, dark and dusty and looks like it was used for storage a long time ago. there are dusty paint cans and random litter everywhere. In the middle of the room is a squarish hole with a stair case running down in to the deep deep dark. What always happens is that me and my friends venture down the hole only to get way a head of me and never be seen again. Until I am the only one left standing on the staircase in the dark calling out for my lost friends. I finally give up after looking and calling for what feels like hours and start making my way back up toward the light only to find my path blocked by pitfalls that were not there before and more locked steel doors. I sit there in the dark starting to cry listing to the people snickering and whispering at me in the dark about what a loser I am because I cant find my way back. That's not what happened this time. This time SHE was there, She of the evil Red eyes. To get a good picture of what i saw think of that movie " Poltergeist" SHE looked like the little girl " There heeeere!" but with deep blood red eyes. We get beyond the door and my friends start going down the stair case. I am with my Husband now and we are going down too. We get down a couple of flights and we are becoming delightfully scared. You know like you feel when going in to an old building or when spelunking in a cave? that feeling. And then there SHE is standing there in her night gown with her long white hair and evil red eyes. We look at here for a moment and SHE opens her mouth full of razor sharp teeth and lets out a roar of the likes I have never herd in my life. We turn to run back up the stairs but now the steel railing has dead ended in to a wall and when we run we have to jump off the side on to a connecting staircase that climbs up to where we want to go. All the time SHE is speaking in a language I can not understand and in a voice so deep that even if it were English I couldn't understand it any way. We run up stairs panting and screaming We can feel HER getting closer, and the stairs shift again cutting me off from Brendan Blockade and dropping him about ten feet. I stop and turn and there she is the grin on HER face unnaturally wide. I scream Brendan's name and throw my self off the stair case that I am on and on to another nearby one. attempting to get closer to my Husband. Being the cruel bitch that SHE is, The staircase shifts again and drops him in to the dark abyss that is The Stairway to Hell.
All I have left now is fear so I run, Death on my coat tails. She will appear in front of me or the stairway will violently change sending me careening over the precipice. I always scramble on to another way or jump a few feet on to something that takes me further up. I eventually make it to the top and the floor changes before me trying to keep me from that clean brass handle. SHE Appears in front of me yet again and this time her grin is mostly cut her face in half the top of her head resting on teeth that seam to go all the way around HER head. SHE speaks to me in that voice and vanishes letting me grip the smooth cool handle. I yank open the door and come out back stage of a big hall. I fall to my knees and Scream and cry for my lost Brendan... after a while i wake, With no hope of sleeping again.

Today of course is Christmas. But sadly, I am pagan. *wink.*

'Twas the night before Christmas, and there was no food in

my house. My cigarettes were gone and ill blame that on my spouse.

So I picked up my keys and dashed out the door.

Hungry, Desperate I had to have more.

I started my truck and put it in gear.

putting pedal to metal for there was a Wal-Mart near.

With my windshield frosted over i made it there.

"oh no, They're closed!" I said with despair.

Cursing a carpenter and driving like mad.

I knew there was someplace with smokes and food to be had.

Stopping at Mc Donald's and Whataburger alike.

I pulled up to their windows crying, for there was no light.

Putting the hammer down once more i cursed and spat.

" Fuck you Santa, where the hell are my food smokes at!"

Driving once more, cold and pissed.

I thought about going home and slitting my wrists.

From suddenly around the corner I saw a wonderful sight.

'Twas a Seven Eleven, with its sign burning bright.

I yelled and hollered at the top of my lungs,

So happy with joy I could no longer hold my tongue.

I walked in smiling and throwing the doors wide.

" Merry Christmas!" I said, for I was actually so happy,I cried.

I got my food and smokes, stuffing my arms with all I dared.

I looked up and I could tell the cashier was scared.

I grind and smiled spreading my crazy good cheer.

Because if I didn't I would have went and told him how much I hate this time of year.

Arms full of food and cigarettes, I payed the man.

As I walked out i couldn't help but wonder if they had this crappy holiday in Japan...

I got home, booty in paws.

I sat down and wrought a " Fuck You!" letter to Santa Claws.

-Remo Blockade-



Afterword:

I know i posted this last year, but its something I felt should be the start of a new tradition for me. I, and a couple of other people really enjoyed it last year. So , I figured " Why not?".
I would like to wish my fellow Fallout Furs a Merry Christmas and a happy new year if i don't see you today or at new years. I would also like to wish a Special Merry X-Mas to the extended Fallout furs family this holiday season. I know there a couple of you out there having a hard time and I Hope things get better for you.
To all the rest of you. Merry Christmas From yours truly. Thank you for being you and hopefully ill see you soon.

Today of course is Christmas. But sadly, I am pagan. :: wink.::

'Twas the night before Christmas, and there was no food in

my house. My cigarettes were gone and ill blame that on my spouse.

So i picked up my keys and dashed out the door.

Hungry, Desperate I had to have more.

I started my truck and put it in gear.

putting pedal to metal for there was a Wal-Mart near.

With my windshield frosted over i made it there.

"oh no, There closed!" I said with despair.

Cursing a carpenter and driving like mad.

I knew there was someplace with smokes and food to be had.

Stopping at Mc Donald's and Whataburger alike.

I pulled up to there windows crying, for there was no light.

Putting the hammer down once more i cursed and spat.

" Fuck you Santa, where the hell are my food smokes at!"

Driving once more, cold and pissed.

I thought a bought going home and slitting my wrists.

From suddenly around the corner I saw a wonderful sight.

'Twas a Seven Eleven, with its sign burning bright.

I yelled and hollered at the top of my lungs,

So happy with joy I could no longer hold my tongue.

I walked in smiling and throwing the doors wide.

" Marry Christmas!" I said, for I was actually so happy,I cried.

I got my food and smokes, stuffing my arms with all I dared.

I looked up and I could tell the cashier was scared.

I grind and smiled spreading my crazy good cheer.

Because if I didn't I would have went and told him how much I hate this time of year.

Arms full of food and cigarettes, I payed the man.

As I walked out i couldn't help but wonder if they had this crappy holiday in Japan...

I got home, booty in paws.

I sat down and wrought a " Fuck You!" letter to Santa Claws.

-Remo Blockade-