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The plot
Posted 13 years agoWell, my folks are going to be out of town until Tuesday. This means, quite simply...time to overhaul and clean up my room. And I mean really clean it. There's stuff I want to get rid of that I haven't been able to, and I keep getting limited in progress that I can't take things out of my room and put them back in once everything's said and done. Time to fix that. :3
Age meme
Posted 13 years agoHell, if Fae's gonna do it, I'll join in!
HOW OLD DO YOU ACT?
[x] You know how to make a pot of coffee.
[x] You keep track of dates using a calendar.
[X] You own a credit card.
[ ] You know how to change the oil in a car.
[X] You've done your own laundry.
[X] You can vote in an election.
[ ] You can cook for yourself.
[ ] You think politics are interesting
CUMULATIVE TOTAL: 5
[x] You show(ed) up for school late a lot.
[x] You always carry a pen/pencil in your bag/purse/pocket.
[ ] You've never gotten a detention. (class detention doesn't count)
[ ] You have forgotten your own birthday.
[x] You like to take walks by yourself.
[X] You know what credibility means, without looking it up.
[ ] You drink caffeine at least once a week.
CUMULATIVE TOTAL: 9
[X] You know how to do the dishes.
[x] You can count to 10 in another language.
[X] When you say you're going to do something you USUALLY do it.
[x] You can mow the lawn.
[X] You study even when you don't have to.
[X] You have hand washed a car before.
CUMULATIVE TOTAL : 15
[X] You can spell experience, without looking it up.
[ ] The people at Starbucks know you by name.
[x] Your favorite kind of food is take out.
[X] You can go to the store without getting something you don't need.
[ ] You understand political jokes the first time they are said.
[X] You can type pretty quick.
CUMULATIVE TOTAL: 19
[ ] Your only friends are from your place of employment.
[ ] You have been to a Tupperware party.
[X] You have realized that practically no one will take you seriously unless you are over the age of 25 and have a job.
[ ] You have more bills than you can pay.
[X] You have been to the beach.
[X] You use the internet every day.
[x] You have been outside of your home country 3 or more times.
[ ] You make your bed in the morning.
CUMULATIVE TOTAL: 23
[ ] You have filed a tax return
[x] You have used a pay phone
[ ] You have been served alcohol without being ID'd
[ ] You have purchased stamps at the grocery store
[ ] You have purchased a lottery ticket
[x] You still have and use a VCR
TOTAL: 25
AGE: 18
HOW OLD DO YOU ACT?
[x] You know how to make a pot of coffee.
[x] You keep track of dates using a calendar.
[X] You own a credit card.
[ ] You know how to change the oil in a car.
[X] You've done your own laundry.
[X] You can vote in an election.
[ ] You can cook for yourself.
[ ] You think politics are interesting
CUMULATIVE TOTAL: 5
[x] You show(ed) up for school late a lot.
[x] You always carry a pen/pencil in your bag/purse/pocket.
[ ] You've never gotten a detention. (class detention doesn't count)
[ ] You have forgotten your own birthday.
[x] You like to take walks by yourself.
[X] You know what credibility means, without looking it up.
[ ] You drink caffeine at least once a week.
CUMULATIVE TOTAL: 9
[X] You know how to do the dishes.
[x] You can count to 10 in another language.
[X] When you say you're going to do something you USUALLY do it.
[x] You can mow the lawn.
[X] You study even when you don't have to.
[X] You have hand washed a car before.
CUMULATIVE TOTAL : 15
[X] You can spell experience, without looking it up.
[ ] The people at Starbucks know you by name.
[x] Your favorite kind of food is take out.
[X] You can go to the store without getting something you don't need.
[ ] You understand political jokes the first time they are said.
[X] You can type pretty quick.
CUMULATIVE TOTAL: 19
[ ] Your only friends are from your place of employment.
[ ] You have been to a Tupperware party.
[X] You have realized that practically no one will take you seriously unless you are over the age of 25 and have a job.
[ ] You have more bills than you can pay.
[X] You have been to the beach.
[X] You use the internet every day.
[x] You have been outside of your home country 3 or more times.
[ ] You make your bed in the morning.
CUMULATIVE TOTAL: 23
[ ] You have filed a tax return
[x] You have used a pay phone
[ ] You have been served alcohol without being ID'd
[ ] You have purchased stamps at the grocery store
[ ] You have purchased a lottery ticket
[x] You still have and use a VCR
TOTAL: 25
AGE: 18
The reasons for my holiday blues
Posted 13 years agoMost people know I don't like the holidays. This year, the holidays seemed to come after me.
My grandfather went to the hospital
An extended family member died
A close and personal friend's father died
A personal friend of my own died
An old friend is now an orphan because her father shot and killed her mother
Sandy Hook
The firefighter ambush in upper New York
Spending both Thanksgiving and Christmas alone
Missing all of the holiday parties due to work
Probably spending New Years alone too
Frequent fights with friends
Lack of good work hours making the paychecks really slim, while people were also expecting gifts
Having to undo the past 2 years worth of being comfortable with who I am because I had to hide in the closet lest half my family disown me
Waiting on paperwork to progress with my EMT and driver's license, so being forced to sit and twiddle my thumbs when I need to keep chugging on
Return of my depression in extreme force
So bah humbug at me, but all of that crap happened in the time span of Thanksgiving to today. Forgive me if I seem in a crappy mood.
My grandfather went to the hospital
An extended family member died
A close and personal friend's father died
A personal friend of my own died
An old friend is now an orphan because her father shot and killed her mother
Sandy Hook
The firefighter ambush in upper New York
Spending both Thanksgiving and Christmas alone
Missing all of the holiday parties due to work
Probably spending New Years alone too
Frequent fights with friends
Lack of good work hours making the paychecks really slim, while people were also expecting gifts
Having to undo the past 2 years worth of being comfortable with who I am because I had to hide in the closet lest half my family disown me
Waiting on paperwork to progress with my EMT and driver's license, so being forced to sit and twiddle my thumbs when I need to keep chugging on
Return of my depression in extreme force
So bah humbug at me, but all of that crap happened in the time span of Thanksgiving to today. Forgive me if I seem in a crappy mood.
Christmas Eve
Posted 13 years agoI don't really celebrate Christmas, but...meh, I guess the cynic in me doesn't mind free stuff. Only had one thing on my wish list, and I didn't get it. But, that's fine. Plenty of time in the future for that wish to come true.
Was an okay party, starting to get along better with my family. Most of them know I'm gay...just the last hurdle to face in the form of my aunts and grandparents. That'll be fun...
Was an okay party, starting to get along better with my family. Most of them know I'm gay...just the last hurdle to face in the form of my aunts and grandparents. That'll be fun...
I cooked.
Posted 13 years agoAnd it actually isn't that bad. Now I just need to practice the recipe and get all the ingredients :3
Not really sure where the road's leading
Posted 13 years agoNot sure if it's my depression, the recent events overall numbing me, or just a genuine sense of defeat...I'm not really sure what I'm doing anymore. I got my EMT certification, waiting for the state to catch up so I can actually practice...so still useless in that regard.
Other stuff's just frustrating...that sense of half-in, half out. Not sure what to say about it really...I just look to the future, to tomorrow even, and I don't know what I'm doing. If I'll have the energy to get through the day, or to even get out of bed...
Kinda just stopped caring about things. Nothing feels like it matters.
I'll probably look at this in a week and wonder what the hell I was thinking, but it was kinda nice to ramble off.
Other stuff's just frustrating...that sense of half-in, half out. Not sure what to say about it really...I just look to the future, to tomorrow even, and I don't know what I'm doing. If I'll have the energy to get through the day, or to even get out of bed...
Kinda just stopped caring about things. Nothing feels like it matters.
I'll probably look at this in a week and wonder what the hell I was thinking, but it was kinda nice to ramble off.
My Room Meme
Posted 13 years agoStolen from Sombra
Do you have the following in your bedroom?
Condoms:
Nope.
Cell phone:
Old Old Cingular ( yes, Cingular ) flip phone
Book shelf:
Of course
Couch:
No
Futon:
No
Computer/laptop:
Laptop
Pictures:
Some old childhood photos, an art commission
Mirror:
yep
Skateboard:
No.
Bed:
Small one, it's too small for me.
Smoke detector:
Yeah.
Piano/keyboard/Guitar/bass/drums:
Keyboard under the bookcase.
Blacklight:
Nope
Lava Lamp:
No, but I want one.
CDs:
A couple.
Flag:
Do little soccer flags count?
Stop sign/any sign:
Stop Sign, No Parking Any Time Sign, 20 MPH sign, Stop Ahead Sign.
Paintball gun:
Used to, no longer
Real Gun:
Nope
Cigarettes:
Not in my room. Not now, not ever.
Pot:
See Cigarettes.
Any drugs:
None. I avoid the stuff.
Alcohol:
Nope..
Books:
Too many to count.
ps2:
No
Xbox:
No
Gamecube:
Yes
Stereo:
Yep. I use it now and again.
Gum:
It doesn't last long enough.
How many windows do you have in ur room:
Two.
What is the color of your walls?
Blue
Do you get ready for the day in your room or the bathroom?
I use both.
What's on your walls?
Signs, awards, a mirror, knick knacks.
Has the opposite sex been in your room before?
Yes.
Has the opposite sex been on your bed?
Yeah.
Has the opposite sex slept in your bed?
Yeah, though I wasn't in it. Bed's too small for one, and there's a few other reasons.
Ever had sex in your bed?
It's the only place I can get away with it?
Who usually sleeps in your bed other than you?
Nobody, it's TOO SMALL. Seriously, it's a twin sized bed. I can't even fit on it on my own!
Do you like your bedroom:
More or less. I want to rearrange things and get a bigger bed, but it works. Could use a bigger desk, too...I hit my knees on the middle drawer. And not the top of them, either.
Do you have the following in your bedroom?
Condoms:
Nope.
Cell phone:
Old Old Cingular ( yes, Cingular ) flip phone
Book shelf:
Of course
Couch:
No
Futon:
No
Computer/laptop:
Laptop
Pictures:
Some old childhood photos, an art commission
Mirror:
yep
Skateboard:
No.
Bed:
Small one, it's too small for me.
Smoke detector:
Yeah.
Piano/keyboard/Guitar/bass/drums:
Keyboard under the bookcase.
Blacklight:
Nope
Lava Lamp:
No, but I want one.
CDs:
A couple.
Flag:
Do little soccer flags count?
Stop sign/any sign:
Stop Sign, No Parking Any Time Sign, 20 MPH sign, Stop Ahead Sign.
Paintball gun:
Used to, no longer
Real Gun:
Nope
Cigarettes:
Not in my room. Not now, not ever.
Pot:
See Cigarettes.
Any drugs:
None. I avoid the stuff.
Alcohol:
Nope..
Books:
Too many to count.
ps2:
No
Xbox:
No
Gamecube:
Yes
Stereo:
Yep. I use it now and again.
Gum:
It doesn't last long enough.
How many windows do you have in ur room:
Two.
What is the color of your walls?
Blue
Do you get ready for the day in your room or the bathroom?
I use both.
What's on your walls?
Signs, awards, a mirror, knick knacks.
Has the opposite sex been in your room before?
Yes.
Has the opposite sex been on your bed?
Yeah.
Has the opposite sex slept in your bed?
Yeah, though I wasn't in it. Bed's too small for one, and there's a few other reasons.
Ever had sex in your bed?
It's the only place I can get away with it?
Who usually sleeps in your bed other than you?
Nobody, it's TOO SMALL. Seriously, it's a twin sized bed. I can't even fit on it on my own!
Do you like your bedroom:
More or less. I want to rearrange things and get a bigger bed, but it works. Could use a bigger desk, too...I hit my knees on the middle drawer. And not the top of them, either.
Enough with people dying
Posted 13 years agoOne of my friends is now an orphan as her father shot and killed her mother during a domestic dispute.
Another one of my friends lost her grandfather this morning after an unexpected heart attack.
I transported a terminally ill patient on Tuesday night. I don't know if she'll make it back to her home one last time.
I am sick and tired of people dying, and suffering, all at once.
Another one of my friends lost her grandfather this morning after an unexpected heart attack.
I transported a terminally ill patient on Tuesday night. I don't know if she'll make it back to her home one last time.
I am sick and tired of people dying, and suffering, all at once.
Hit the reboot switch
Posted 13 years agoI kinda had to. My depression is still almost all consuming, things are piling up quicker and quicker...so I more or less had to reset myself today. Had a fairly good time with my fiance, which helped me to do the reboot. Made things seem like life doesn't suck nearly as much as I feel it does. Anyway...have an ambulance shift tomorrow night, doing laundry. I got my room clean...I feel a bit more productive and perky.
Edit: Few hours later...I've managed to go a full day without any depressive thoughts or urges. Been a while since I've done that...hoping that it's showing the end of this episode depression, or at least that I can beat it for now.
Edit: Few hours later...I've managed to go a full day without any depressive thoughts or urges. Been a while since I've done that...hoping that it's showing the end of this episode depression, or at least that I can beat it for now.
Questions?
Posted 13 years agoTMI Tuesday, curious if anyone will ask me questions.
It's over
Posted 13 years agoAs of this morning, I am a nationally certified Emergency Medical Technician-Basic. I've been working at this since last September. All the crap it took to make it through, and I've made it.
Maybe...
Posted 13 years agohttp://imgur.com/gallery/1XP4I
Saw this...I'm going to send the kid a card. Checked out the story, it's accurate. Just that little bit I can do for somebody...it helps. The world, it's full of tragedy, of cruelty. Innocents suffer while villains escape justice. I suffer from depression during the single happiest time of my life. A 9 year old kid has Cystic Fibrosis. Well...I can't fix the illness, but maybe I can help grant his wish. Anyone who wants to join me, feel free.
Saw this...I'm going to send the kid a card. Checked out the story, it's accurate. Just that little bit I can do for somebody...it helps. The world, it's full of tragedy, of cruelty. Innocents suffer while villains escape justice. I suffer from depression during the single happiest time of my life. A 9 year old kid has Cystic Fibrosis. Well...I can't fix the illness, but maybe I can help grant his wish. Anyone who wants to join me, feel free.
My day
Posted 13 years agoGot six cavities drilled and filled in one sitting, without any Novocaine.
http://i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons.....-here-meme.png
http://i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons.....-here-meme.png
Depression sucks
Posted 13 years agoMaybe it's a whine, maybe it's a rant, I don't know.
Two years ago, I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression. It was severe, and required medication, plus months worth of therapy, to bring me back to stability. I started refusing the meds, and my parents stopped taking me to therapy. For a year, I struggled to face it on my own.
Back in February, I found my shining knight. Faelan Ruri, my now fiance. He gave me reasons to smile, reasons to go on. My depression regressed into occasional episodes that I could diffuse on my own. It's returned, in full force.
It hate it, I honestly do. I have a solid job that pays my expenses, I have a future in EMS, and I have someone who I love so dearly. I work hard, I volunteer, and I'll soon have my driver's license. For the circumstances, my life couldn't be better. Yet, I have to struggle to concentrate through constant storms of self-loathing and suicidal desires. I force myself to eat because I have next to no appetite, and I smile and laugh just so that people don't worry about me.
There's a war in my head, that keeps being fought every waking moment. Hell, even every sleeping moment...I haven't had a proper night's sleep since it returned, and I have trouble getting out of bed daily. I'm considering seeing a doctor again...but they'll just want me back on the medications, and I won't go back down that path.
Don't really know why I'm putting this up, maybe I just needed to vent it out somewhere. Maybe I want people who don't have depression to know a bit better what it's like. All I know is that it's just another storm to weather...my brain versus my heart.
Two years ago, I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression. It was severe, and required medication, plus months worth of therapy, to bring me back to stability. I started refusing the meds, and my parents stopped taking me to therapy. For a year, I struggled to face it on my own.
Back in February, I found my shining knight. Faelan Ruri, my now fiance. He gave me reasons to smile, reasons to go on. My depression regressed into occasional episodes that I could diffuse on my own. It's returned, in full force.
It hate it, I honestly do. I have a solid job that pays my expenses, I have a future in EMS, and I have someone who I love so dearly. I work hard, I volunteer, and I'll soon have my driver's license. For the circumstances, my life couldn't be better. Yet, I have to struggle to concentrate through constant storms of self-loathing and suicidal desires. I force myself to eat because I have next to no appetite, and I smile and laugh just so that people don't worry about me.
There's a war in my head, that keeps being fought every waking moment. Hell, even every sleeping moment...I haven't had a proper night's sleep since it returned, and I have trouble getting out of bed daily. I'm considering seeing a doctor again...but they'll just want me back on the medications, and I won't go back down that path.
Don't really know why I'm putting this up, maybe I just needed to vent it out somewhere. Maybe I want people who don't have depression to know a bit better what it's like. All I know is that it's just another storm to weather...my brain versus my heart.
It's Ready
Posted 13 years agoAfter a lot of experimenting, work, and preparation, I finally have enough stuff put together to launch my tabletop game campaign. Now comes the time to actually get players together.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/.....7gkWy91PQ/edit
That is the introduction for the campaign, if anyone is interested. If you want to partake, please send me a note. Ideally, I want a group of 3-5 players, any experience level.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/.....7gkWy91PQ/edit
That is the introduction for the campaign, if anyone is interested. If you want to partake, please send me a note. Ideally, I want a group of 3-5 players, any experience level.
Bah Humbug
Posted 13 years agoWhelp...the holidays are starting up. Least favorite time of the year...
The holidays usually make me really bitter, they have for years. It's a time for family, so to speak...but the people I really want to spend time with, I can't, and the extended family just doesn't feel like home. Doesn't help that I'm stuck in a generational gap...about five years under the next oldest relative, and a decade over the next youngest. Say numbers, whatever...but it shows, really easily, and it's very bitter to be in a crowded family party and be all alone.
Joy, the holidays, times of togetherness. Leave me out as usual, I'll just wait for you to pass like always.
The holidays usually make me really bitter, they have for years. It's a time for family, so to speak...but the people I really want to spend time with, I can't, and the extended family just doesn't feel like home. Doesn't help that I'm stuck in a generational gap...about five years under the next oldest relative, and a decade over the next youngest. Say numbers, whatever...but it shows, really easily, and it's very bitter to be in a crowded family party and be all alone.
Joy, the holidays, times of togetherness. Leave me out as usual, I'll just wait for you to pass like always.
Sushi and snuggles
Posted 13 years agoA good day overall, almost back to normal with my sleep schedule...it's just going to take the discipline to stick to it, and I should be back to my usual, healthier self.
Faelan was over today, which was good. His visit helped me recover from a very difficult week, and give me the energy to tackle this weekend. 19 hours of work and Ambulance training will occur over the next two days...after my week, I don't think I'd be able to pull it off.
Need to make a note to call my EMT instructor, because I keep derping and forgetting that...and it's a bit important. It's been 6 months since the class ended, but I only have a year. No reason to keep putting it off. Too much time, trouble, and money, have been put into it.
Faelan was over today, which was good. His visit helped me recover from a very difficult week, and give me the energy to tackle this weekend. 19 hours of work and Ambulance training will occur over the next two days...after my week, I don't think I'd be able to pull it off.
Need to make a note to call my EMT instructor, because I keep derping and forgetting that...and it's a bit important. It's been 6 months since the class ended, but I only have a year. No reason to keep putting it off. Too much time, trouble, and money, have been put into it.
Implosion prevented
Posted 13 years agoWell, kept the fire company from dissolving, so now we all just have to put it back together. FUnfun...more commitments.
Not looking forward to tonight
Posted 13 years agoWell, tonight I have to repeat the crap from a while back over Fire Department meetings. I swear...I'll take a house burning down, or a car accident, over going to one of these things. They take forever because everyone is playing politics....and all of the older members don't care when they get home, because they actually live with their families and stuff. Drives me insane...
Plus, there's an emergency meeting to decide the fate of the fire company I'm in, because it's understaffed. It might be disbanded, hell, both companies in the department could be disbanded. That would destroy a piece of firefighting culture I've been wanting to be a part of my entire life, just as I was starting to poke my way into it.
THere's just so much bullshit...it's almost enough to make me want to quit. I'm not there for the politics, I'm there for the calls. I'm there to try and do some good. Maybe I'm not the best at it, maybe I am still a rookie, but I really give not a single crap about department politics.
Plus, there's an emergency meeting to decide the fate of the fire company I'm in, because it's understaffed. It might be disbanded, hell, both companies in the department could be disbanded. That would destroy a piece of firefighting culture I've been wanting to be a part of my entire life, just as I was starting to poke my way into it.
THere's just so much bullshit...it's almost enough to make me want to quit. I'm not there for the politics, I'm there for the calls. I'm there to try and do some good. Maybe I'm not the best at it, maybe I am still a rookie, but I really give not a single crap about department politics.
Justice League
Posted 13 years agoGood cartoon series. Sadly, already through all of the episodes. But, a very good series nonetheless. Some of the character development is very mature for a kid's show.
What love is to me
Posted 13 years agoEver since the hurricane, I've been stressed out of my mind. It lead me to be an insufferable asshole, rather bitter and much more selfish than usual. Faelan patiently read through each and every rant I sent to him, he comforted me through two separate depressive episodes, and he supported me on the upswing.
Hell, today, he even showed up to pick me up from work on a last-minute invitation, to spend a few hours with me, time which we have had precious little as of late. It wasn't the fancy sushi dinner I treated him to, or the lustful time that followed that was so wonderful ( Though I won't deny those were nice ). It was seeing him smile when he came to pick me up, and that content sigh that slipped out his lips as we snuggled up together under the covers of my bed, keeping each other warm in my cold house...
To me, that's what love is.
Hell, today, he even showed up to pick me up from work on a last-minute invitation, to spend a few hours with me, time which we have had precious little as of late. It wasn't the fancy sushi dinner I treated him to, or the lustful time that followed that was so wonderful ( Though I won't deny those were nice ). It was seeing him smile when he came to pick me up, and that content sigh that slipped out his lips as we snuggled up together under the covers of my bed, keeping each other warm in my cold house...
To me, that's what love is.
Daylight Savings Time
Posted 13 years agoForgot that was tonight. For anyone who doesn't already, it's a good time to check the batteries in smoke detectors. Easy way to form the habit.
Oh my adventures
Posted 13 years agoOkay...7pm, get a structure fire dispatch. Get back to the fire house around 10:30, get pizza, get another tone just as we all sit down to eat it. Go to the chimney fire, put it out, go back to the cold pizza, take a shower, and be home for 12:30am. And people at work wondered why I looked so tired.
Rawr and all the other noises
Posted 13 years agoAm I alive? Check.
Am I without power at home? Check.
Am I tired? You have no idea.
Number one being most important of all. A hurricane, a code, and a con all wrapped up into one week, to be the bang to end one explosive month.
Should get power back within 3-5 days, hope to see you all then.
Am I without power at home? Check.
Am I tired? You have no idea.
Number one being most important of all. A hurricane, a code, and a con all wrapped up into one week, to be the bang to end one explosive month.
Should get power back within 3-5 days, hope to see you all then.
Out I go
Posted 13 years agoNot going to be online for a few days due to hurricane. I'll either be at work or at the Emergency Services Building to help the Fire Department or Ambulance association. I'll see you all when this blows over.
