Howdy yall! Just reminding you all that i have moved accounts to Leottirsch ! I look forward to seeing you all there!

Im moving to !
Go ahead and follow me over there too!

https://www.thedealersden.com/listi.....ted-art/145260

I could really use the money, as ive got another month until i get paid, and i have rent to worry about as well as feeding my self and taking care of gas money, etc.

With the last journal i explained how i felt,
and information regarding my trust issues.
This secondary journal is only to detail that
With all of that in place, i will be incredibly decisive
About who i trust and am comfortable talking to.
Several incidents have given me reasonable cause
to shut my metaphorical doors to anyone,
until i understand that they don't want in to hurt me.

Im back to being sort of active on FA.
Ended up in the hospital again for a few days(big fucking surprise there)
Took time to myself, and i got myself figured out some more.
Stuff like what i want/need to be happy.
Im going to be incredibly strict about who i trust in the future
Before my visit to the hospital, someone who i can no longer call a friend betrayed my trust.
Not naming names, no matter who asks.
My medications no longer work, im broke for a bit, and i can't afford to go see my doctor about getting switched off of them and onto something else.
I've been doing very poorly with sleep and overall health
Fell back into some pretty bad habits including harming my self.
Regained trust issues with myself and just about anyone else that has ever given me a reason to feel that way.
I want more friends, but at the same time, it's impossible for me to trust anyone anymore because of my experiences in the past.
I honestly want to die but i can't exactly afford that either,
ive got too much going on
I can't do anything without feeling really bad
I don't know what to do about it or who to turn to.
changed my character,
probably going back to how i used to be in 2015/2016
Updated my profile info on FA
Trying desperately not to feel how i do.

Im going to disappear for a while. Recent events have all stacked upon each other, and its gotten so bad that i showered yesterday for the first time since before christmas, and i realized that i need to take time for my self. I still might check in on occasion, but i wont really do anything here, whether it be looking at posts, making posts, conversation, or anything else. Likewise goes for most messengers. There are a few people i would still talk to if they message me on any of the message applications, but if i dont respond, its nothing against anyone. I just need to take time for myself and only talk to people im comfortable with.
I hope to be okay soon.

I've recently had a falling out with multiple friends,
and unfortunately the revelation towards all of them figuring out that im
absolutely piss-poor at being a friend came about after my recovery from the ER/hospital,
and the weeks following my discharge from those places.
One friend was mad enough at me for ending up there that they decided
i wasn't worth their time, belittled me for being "childish" as well as my actions leading up to my admission.
Another friend realized that im just as worthless as I used to say I was,
because for the first time in my life, i was able to stop focusing on my own worries,
and asked them how they were.
This caused them to realize that I had never really
"shown" much interest in being friends with them, despite me claiming otherwise.
Another friend stopped talking to me altogether because while i was in the hospital
, someone had told them i was in jail, without any more explanation,
and they just so happened to believe it. They didn't want their kids/husband
to be influenced by me.

No one actually talks to me anymore, since these specific
people were really the only ones that would talk to me on any occassion.

Not to mention, no one actually remembered my birthday
aside from my boyfriend. No family, no other 'friends',
not even the people in my unit.
My boyfriend seems to be the only one that actually likes me anymore,
and as shitty as it sounds, im probably regressing back
into the paranoid, friendless little shit that i used to be.
I thought i had friends, but I guess i no longer do. It's really
tearing me apart, and there seems to be absolutely no way to salvage it.
It feels really fucking bad knowing that the people I forced
myself to be comfortable with talking to ended up just like
everyone else in my life, leaving me when my guard was let
down most. Like, there's no way i can apologize to any of these
people that I haven't already, and they keep lying to me, telling me
that "we can work on it" when I know damn well that they won't
actually start any conversations with me anymore, and will just gradually
fade out and leave me behind.

It feels especially bad that despite how much these people claimed to
know about me, they seemed to ignore the fact that, even though
i've been diagnosed, and brought it up with them all, im not a great
person to be friends with. They gave me some sort of hope, since
in my head i saw it as "Wow, these strangers actually want to talk
to me and get to know me, i guess im not that bad!!"

But those same people that made me feel better about myself,
and helped me through rough times, stayed up late to talk to me,
shared interests and actually seemed to want to know me as
a friend seemed to have left the building. Im back on my
own in terms of friends for a while. It genuinely fucks with
me to have my trust played with like this, and i won't be able
to fucking trust anyone for a while, even with the simple tasks
of maintaining conversation and accepting gestures of kindness/friendship.


I know no one's going to read this really, but it's just for venting, so i guess i shouldn't care.

https://discord.gg/aVnUX4
It's a great community!

If you're an artist that does that, unless its from a template that you purchased or were given by the artist that made it, i will no longer buy art from you. I just got some flak from another user, being accused of recoloring and reusing an icon that was originally made for them. If for some reason there's art that was made by that method, without permission, for me, please let me know.

Most of, if not all of the art presenting my own personal 'sona may or may not be marked as Mature from now on, due to the content of the images. Now, i know what most of you that have had anything to say about specific details on my own character think about this, but I currently feel like it'd be at least a moderately okay idea to mark them as mature, unless many of you think otherwise. I don't have a lot of followers that I know of that are still very active at all, though i know a handful of you are. If you have an opinion, thought, fact, or complaint with it, please tell me. I'd love to hear from as many people as possible, to help me organize my own thoughts/opinions.

Today's my birthday and im in Chicago until this evening.

Im alive, im not really back to being active as much as I could be, but I am still watching around here.

Im mostly healthy, had a slight incident yesterday, but it hasn't happened again.
The antibiotics that i was told to take seem to be helping, so hopefully that continues to go well.

In the unlikely event that anyone starts to wonder where i went, im currently waiting to be admitted a different hospital than what i was at last night. I was having some extreme chest pains last night, followed by me coughing up bits of bloody mucus, and the doctor that i saw last night thinks its an infection, but i will find out when i get to this next hospital.

I've been trying to make friends lately. It doesn't work, and I don't know why. I search for people, and either they aren't interested or are only interested in sex.
Im tired of trying to find friends, because nothing i've tried has worked so far. I've searched for people with similar interests. I've searched for people that are friendly. Hell, I've even searched strictly for people that are sex repulsed to find friendship, and i still fail at it.