I feel like I woke up from some kind of god-awful emotional daze. I have to shake off the melancholia and get back to the world of the sane. I think it's the fox skin. Put it on and you turn into some kind of whiny bastard. I'll have to look into that some more. *shivers* That's what I get for trying to be too serious...

As I'm sitting here, organizing my music, wondering what to do, and wishing there was someone to talk to, I remember the doctor musing yesterday how I seemed like such a lonely person. Damnit, I guess I just try not to think about it, but when there's no one to hang out with or talk to, what are you supposed to do? Just sit there and cry? I think that I just had different ways of thinking and that's why people always just called me "weird" and decided to stay away from me. Right now I'm listening to John Cale reading a story about a man mailing himself to his distant lover only to be drilled to death when she and her friend try to open the frustrating package, all the while the Velvet Underground is jangling away for the entire eight and a half minutes - now, who else could I find that would nearly appreciate such dark humor, Welsh accented storytelling, and lo-fi sixties rocking? Sure there are people that share my interests, but they might also possess such negative turn-offs such as...well, negativity. I'm not cynical or sarcastic, and those are such popular traits in people anymore, especially furries, just imagine... So yeah, I guess it's tough on many levels. I'm too sensitive when people disapprove of me, plus I'm too empathic and concerned for what's best for others, so if they don't want me around or if I'm bothering someone, surely they'd be happier if I wasn't there, so I remove myself. And now here I am, on my own, trying to figure out how to pass the hours in the least depressing way. I think I'll go grab a quesadilla...

I had to turn my creative energy elsewhere this morning. I had a different story I wanted to tell. I ended up writing a thousand words on the subject of a fox and raccoon falling in love, then went to the top of the page, started it a different way, and wrote a thousand more. I had to stop myself there, afraid that my energy might be draining and I might just start writing crap after that. I'm a little afraid that if I stop now, I won't want to go back and it will just dwindle incomplete forever. I have a tendency to do that. All too often.

I was surprised that I was able (the second time through) to conjure up those old feelings of thoughtless love. After all I've been through, it's not easy to even understand love anymore, let alone write about that fluttering heart sensation you get when you're young and foolish. I was able to though, and even felt that old fear and desperation felt when it all suddenly drops away for no reason.

It was brief, but it was the best I could do.

I don't care what ended up happening, I wish I could be that stupid again. I wish I could go into situations as thoughtless as I did when I was 19, 20... I'm nearing 30 now and I find I'm actually considering going on the rest of the journey on my own. I always trusted too much. I was really gullible. Now every promise is received as a lie. I was always faithful.

Hmm...

Not to say IRC can't be a fun place; it all depends on the company involved, but for me at least, I think it might be poison.

Sometimes I get the hankerin' for some communication, and at the moment I've only got 9 people on my Yahoo list, so they're not always on. MUCKs have always kind of depressed me, so I thought I'd recheck-out IRC.

I was met with the same thing that always confused me about IRC: scores of people sitting in channels and not saying a word. I had to figure this out, so I asked, and I was immediately met with someone hinting at "slaughtering" me. What a nice welcome. Apparently my deep respect for vulpines is not a very welcomed aspect (I'll write more on this later). So I have a little tiff, and the guy's arguments just come off as immature mindlessness, so I realize there's no sense in trying to get through.

It's an undesirable though common sociological effect that the arrogant will dominate all groups of people. The arrogant are often so bull-headed that nothing gets into their heads, and therefore, these arrogant people are very commonly "stupid". So what's the point? How do you get through? The bullies steal the playground, and it appears acceptable. Meanwhile, decent people upload cute videos of their two-year-olds to YouTube and get bombarded with comments that their beloved children are "fucking RETARDS!!!"

Yeah, I'm sensitive, and I over analyze, but don't confuse me as "weak". I WILL fight back. It's just a question of "is it worth it?" I have better ways of focusing my energy (when I'm able), and right now I think I'll get back to writing.

Starting stories is always the best part. If I could see everything I've ever written (so much has been lost), I'd have a million beginnings and nothing complete (ok, ok, a couple short stories and bad rough drafts of novels). I know this is the bane of most artists, but or at least a lot of them, but it's really bad when you have ADD. You just end up running toward this interest and then that, whatever gets your motor going and your tail all fluffy, that's where you are, and then before long, you don't even know what the hell you were trying to say in the first place. My life is one long tangent...er, no...it's a countless string of tangents. A strange choose-your-adventure novel, if only you could skip from book to book and wind up in a different solar system's library...ok, I'm making no sense...what was I talking about? Oh, yeah, writing!

I'm not looking as I type this and I may forget to check what I did (I just realized that I forgot to spell-check...well, just about every story I've uploaded here...so I should probably do that some time...if I can remember, of course...more importantly, though, I must remember to return that Sigur Ros CD to the library this morning when it opens...I turned in the case last night and forgot the actual CD...yes, this is how it goes every minute of my life - welcome). Now, seriously, where was I?

So you can see why I may have some troubles in getting things finished. And why my last submission was so short and seemingly uneventful. I need to move myself forward and stay on track and it's a vicious feat to attempt. Well, difficult anyway.

I was trying too hard. I got past the fun part, the novelty wore off and it became work. I tried too hard to make it perfect. I was going over single paragraphs a dozen times until the poetry was just right...and of course the full job ahead of me was so dauntingly large...humongous, that I just couldn't even carry on. It was like, what's the point? It's too much! And so I just had to tell myself, a little at a time. Just do what you can and move on.

So that's where I'm at. Hope ya understand. Now...where'd I put that damn CD...

Just put up a new podcast, playing through some of the songs I've been wanting to perform in the near future. Some originals as well as covers. There's a pod-player on my MySpace page: http://www.myspace.com/reynfox

"Catapult" - Counting Crows
"From the Start" - Reynfox
"Ziggy Stardust" - David Bowie
"Joga" - Bjork
"Not Movin" - Reynfox
"Pictures of Lily" - The Who
"Down the Drain" - Reynfox
"Headlights" - Sean Lennon
"There There" - Radiohead
"Mosquito Song" - Queens of the Stone Age

Kinda rambling here, but I've been feeling something good and I don't want to lose it. I'm not positive yet if my moods are stable on a general basis, and I'm hoping that where I'm at today will stay with me, that I've actually stepped up onto a new moral level and somehow learned a valuable life lesson.

Things have been eating at me at work a lot for a while, and I've been trying to find ways, short of going postal, to solve them. I don't know what happened today, but I sorta snapped...in a good way. It seemed perfectly plausible to be entirely open about everything I felt. Of course I didn't have to be, and I managed to get a lot of work done, but I feel if the opportunity ever presents itself in the future, I can just say whatever's on my mind. I just hope I don't wake up tomorrow, returned to my little cocoon of social phobia and acquire new sets of footprints for my already tattered clothing.

I feel the most valuable lesson is to not care if people don't like me. I worry I'm bothering people if I talk to them or even that they just don't like the way I look or smell or talk, and the inhibition paralyzes me. But I've noticed yesterday and today that not only am I more comfortable with myself, regardless what others think, but that I've been more accepting of things I'd otherwise cringe at. I even considered covering an Oasis song.

Well...only if I really had to.

So I'm going to put my final stories on the blog linked here in my journals, but I'll do all my works-in-progress on writing.com - Not sure if I'll make them visible all the time, but who really wants to see unfinished work anyway?

I added everyone I was watching with  jackrat but it seems many people didn't notice my switch and have no idea who I am.

Occasionally (as I expect most musicians would), I just like to pick up the guitar and sing my heart out. I've tried a couple times before to just press Record and see what happens, but it never worked before because I worried too much about entertaining. Now, I think I've overcome a level within myself that enables me to not give so much of a shit. Of course, I still worry, but it's little enough a worry that I was able to actually record a few songs (till I felt "done"), flick a couple buttons to get rid of most of the hiss (I said "most"), and upload it to a podcast. I'm not begging the masses to listen to this, it's very intimate and natural, no editing at all, so it's not really anything I'd go out and sell tickets to. Still, you're welcome to listen, subscribe, worship, I don't care. Give me a couple days to get it up on iTunes and whatever other places there are that these things go on. I'm not going to make this any top priority though I would like to make it more accessible so those interested will just have to click a couple links and that's that. Trying too hard on this project would defeat its primary motive: to be real. So yeah...should be at:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/Reynfox

at least for now

I will get Culdo back on the site once I've given him a severe lashing in the ol' dungeon. I'm doing something scary, and I'm only doing it because it will make me work. I have my Xanga blog (link below) and I decided to put chunks of my writing progress up there, regardless of draft. This will hopefully cause me to revise it and finish it faster. The good thing is you get to see all my terrible mistakes if you ever feel like that sorta thing.

I also have Internet at home. Though it's a little limited because it's a USB broadband stick thingy. I'll just have to see how my regular surfing adds up before I do anything too drastic. I'm pretty sure SL and Skype are outta the question :P

Oh, yeah, music...I make some...I give you...notes...enjoy them as they come....like hot daffodils on a plate of pert spaghetti knives. Aye, I say unto thee: pert spaghetti knives.

Just blundered my way through a couple revisions of this story. It seems to flow all right from my side of the screen. You'll have to let me know what it looks like from yours though.

Culdo has been a character close to my heart since he came into being just about a decade ago (I know winter had just crept in). I've been trying to find the right method of telling his story for a while now. I think that letting things go and putting him in that crazy world of Din-Rhys might just work to show his humor and kindness as well as how he handles the prejudices against him. I was also able to show his phobias of magic and the supernatural by a new character, Lanye.

I already have the second part done in rough form. It details Culdo's past, and I managed to keep it mysteriously creepy with a vague and choppy style. So it shouldn't take long to get that out as well; I'd just like to remain a step ahead if I can manage it.

I really didn't want to upload a chapter of anything, so I'm not sure if I should show off my last product. I'm having those old trepidations about writing again, unsure if it's worth the effort. Yes, I love doing it, but it takes a lot out of me, and too often I don't get anything back. It felt kind of nice to hear a friend who knows me well in person say that when I work on something, it zaps me completely, because it's true. It may sound like whining when you don't know me, but when I'm done with a project, I guarantee it's got my soul in it (and the extraction wasn't altogether painless). Again, there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I move forward regardless; I just wanna complain a little on the way.

So I write this all out, I do my best until I'm happy with it, but there's no sex? No sloppy wet genitalia?!?! And so who would care? I don't know. I'm lonely. Weekends suck.

I'll get something out there this week. Maybe.

I have to lock my sketch pads away, because I really wasn't cutting it there. I enjoy finding the shapes in the blizzard from time to time, but I've learned it's best to stick to my strengths in this life, even if they aren't that strong.

So I'm going to be doing a lot of writing on this site. I've already got my idea in mind: I'm chronicling my furry past in fictional form. I already have a good start on my pre-fandom story, but it may take a while before it's done. I didn't mean for each part to be such a big project, but the story has to be told right.

I hope I have something to show for myself pretty soon, but as always: quality first!