Uuh, did you always have to like, maturity rate your journals? Or is that new...? Oh well

I haven't really been in the mood to write because my keyboard is dying, it takes a lot of time correcting all the damn typos.

BUT MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

I think it was a productive year all things considered, as much as I'm trying to ignore the lie of productivity, it does feel good to know I worked in a few things.
I had to drop the volibear comic I was doing because uni picked up and I couldn't continue it... And now I actually draw a bit differently than I did then! I didn't get past the first page really, so I can definitely just, retry and make something better perhaps!

Either way, truth to be told, I don't think I feel too well these past few weeks, I still have some exams to go and I went through a personal loss that has kept me in a bad, frustrated and frankly sad mood. But it probably won't last forever.

Hmmm... I don't really know what else to say, I'm looking forward to some ideas I wanted to do, mainly animations and testing camera movements and other body mechanic stuff, I wanna tell short little stories with animation, like 3 or 5 scenes tops... And illustration... I really want to get a better hold of structure and perspective, I think there's much to learn if I start drawing with the horizon line in mind and testing different point of views (which kinda ties neatly to animation camera movements).

I hope everyone has a good rest of the year, and happy new year when it happens, yeah? I'm grateful to all the friends I've made through art, and all the people I can help, even though I'm not much of a teacher... Here's hoping my mentality stays positive!

Aaaaaaah my hand is busted again, nooOoOoOoo.

I will see if it fixes itself after 2 weeks, gonna be using a brace for my thumb so my right hand will be out of commission for a while. I have been having problems with it since late October so that's why I haven't really done much... This wouldn't really be that big of a deal outside of bumming me out cuz I can't draw but all my uni work has been piling up and I can't work on it, and it has me suuuuuper anxious.

That being said, it was a nice month overall, I've been thinking a lot about my goals, and restructuring my envy and jealousy I have to other artists into driving force to improve! To be honest, it doesn't usually work, as much as I say openly "I'll catch up to you! Just you wait!" The gap keeps widening and it can be a bit daunting at times, but a lot of artist feel like this honestly, I take solace in that, surprising given how I am or was very against relating to others problems because "it's cope" or "it doesn't really help"... Guess I've grown? I dunno.

I'd like to be an animator, maybe, everyone says I'm good at that and honestly it doesn't hurt to lean on what I'm good at, right? I probably said the same thing when everyone in middle school was like "You draw good!" and here I am, not even being able to render a picture to completion like a dumbass <w<;;
All paths lead to uh... General improvement in the arts though, right? I still want to be good at art, and make cool porn, and make amazing compositions and rendering illustrations! So it's not like I'm giving up on all of that.

I've been thinking about how others artists feel too, it's crazy seeing artists that have been doing this like 20 more years than me say the same things I say when it comes to judging your own work, well, not crazy, sobering? Maybe that's the word? I feel I've talked about this in another journal before but man... I don't really want them to feel like that, and conversely, I don't want to feel like that either. I've been much more supportive on other's endeavors this year because of that, I'm always commenting and sending DMs like "wow your work is crazy good, or this piece in particular made me feel this way" or just being a cringe fanboy in general LOL... I think it's a step in making me be kinder to MYSELF, by being supportive of others.

And on that note, I've been keeping busy talking with other artists too! It's fun, knowing other's struggles or seeing their work n' stuff, going to streams, being friendly in general... Hearing how they feel when they work helps me keep things in perspective, it's much less intimidating when you hear 'em speak and not just pump out work after work like a tireless machine that faces no difficulties ever when it comes to art, haha.

But yeah, that's all for this month... Well, not THIS month, last month, more like. I know I name these journals after the month I make them, but it's more about a recap of last month... Maybe I should call them like "October RECAP" or "Status report: Last Month" uhh... No maybe not, anyways bye!

Oops, September came and went and I didn't make a journal.

Well, to be fair, I just didn't feel like it, a bunch of bad things happened (and most of them are my fault) and I've been feeling really down lately. Drawing has been tough too, I've been thinking to just go back to grinding anatomy books and all that which is ultimately a bad habit of mine, grinding things out instead of tackling more worthwhile projects and endeavors.

I am pretty messy when it comes to drawing, pretty quick too, I usually don't use solid references and mostly grab a bunch of images for vibes and draw something completely different, so I just bounce from idea to idea and all my lines are searching lines. It all becomes a gamble, I might have something in my head but it's a complete toss-up if I ever manage to put it in paper how I want it or not, if all the searching brings something forward or not... So it's pretty unreliable, and frustrating too! Spending hours to just have a sketch that looks like shit is pretty discouraging!

So I'm not really sure what to do, I wanna figure out a way to just, build things up, a process that I can say it's mine so I can finally do all the things I WANT to do instead of being like "oh i forgot how to do legs lets make legs for a week, oh i forgot to render, let's do painting studies for a week." But ahh... I don't know, should I just go back to basics?! Should I start drawabox again?! (I'm joking, I'm never going to do drawabox again)

How does one find a comfy process if not by just trying and trying again for months and months and feeling like shit and failing and struggling? Friends tell me I have the technical skills but... I don't buy it at all!

It's all so frustrating... October is not quite my month, if anything, things always go wrong in October... Ah, well, It'll pass... I'll try to focus on my university assignments and try to do a little doodling on the side, sorry I haven't posted much of anything at all this year, it saddens me personally, and I don't like using my "responsibilities" as an excuse because to be fair a functional adult wouldn't find any of this particularly hard to manage...

My winter break is over and I can't really tell if I rested or not, as much as I try to keep as positive as I can on these journals, I can't deny I'm plagued by thoughts that demand every moment into being drawing something, anything! So it gets quite draining.

I didn't post much back in July because I basically just didn't do much, I sketched like 5 minutes and then proceeded to do whatever else and tried to keep the thoughts of not doing enough at bay with mixed results.
This month is back to uni with me, I took more classes but left the big bad one (Making a 3D short movie) for next year. It really dawned on me that maybe I didn't make the most of my break once I took all my classes, bleh, probably overreacting.

I experimented a bit with the idea of commissions, I took one and did my best but in the end the results were... Less than ideal. I don't think I'm ready for it, and I don't think I ever will, I'm way too disorganized, I don't even have a process to sketch, no tools I'm really comfortable with.
Until I figure things out I can't really ask for payment for my work, it's not right! A bit embarrassing honestly, given I've been doing this for a long while (self taught sure, but that's no excuse at this point.)

Aah I can feel going back into my old habits of being remorseless to myself, I want to succeed but the bar for success is so high it's nothing but a blurry phantom up high... I'll get over it.

Apologies for the late journal!

June went pretty fine, a good birthday that I might or might not of just spent all day making studies, because I'm weird like that.

July's fine too so far, my semester ended around a week ago and I've spent most of my free time doing nothing and sleeping veeery late... I am starting to feel a bit guilty that I should be drawing what I couldn't draw back when I was too busy with exams, but vacations are to relax, right? Maybe doing nothing sometimes is completely fine.

And so, this journal will be short too! I still have lots of thoughts about art and improving, why artists tend to be hard on themselves, all that stuff, but... It's my vacation! So I'll take it easy, and I hope you also do take it easy.

I'll try to draw and post more soon!

Birthday month, also Deltarune month, and pride month, that's a lot of things this month.

I missed past journal, I kinda didn't have much to write, well I did, I just had a very bad month with uni and a bunch of mistakes made me freeze up and fail a bunch of assignments. Not pretty.

But that's in the past, what do I wanna talk about now? Well I dunno AI maybe? If you are in the know, it has happened like twice already that a big artist is called out by several influential artists that they are using AI and man, the amount of people that just don't sit their asses down and listen is kind of ridiculous... Always with the virtue signaling, always with the "Now everyone will call each other out to use AI!" When there's 0 indication of this ever happening, always with the "resolve it between yourselves" when that shit doesn't work (I've tried to!), don't get me started when the conman cries to being sent threatening messages. What a mockery of my own struggles as an artist! Infuriating... Actually, bad topic, scratch that, it just pisses me off and in the end nobody really cares.

Videogames? I haven't been playing as much, not a bad thing, I've been entertained with my own drawings and animation projects for uni, have I mentioned I went back to uni? Did I forget?

I've been more social, jumping on servers and mingling a bit, specially study centric ones, it's fun! But I have quickly found that I'm pretty bad at studying, specially when I segment my free time as poorly as possible, I would like to be like some of these artists that spend like 5 to 8 hours studying and drawing, amazing stuff really, I can't even pick up a book or video course and stick with it without needing a break!

What else... Oh yeah, self hate in art? I dunno, I've been thinking of talking to this topic but there isn't much to talk about, or at least haven't found how to eloquently put it... I'll give it a try anyway.

I see art as self expression, it's a very intimate thing to create something and put it out there in the internet, yes, even if it's just a pinup of a man showing his fat balls, I think it is deeply meaningful to the person who created it.
So... Why would anybody be ruthless and merciless to their own art? I can think of A reason, given I constantly find myself doing it anyway... It's namely the pursuit of improvement, after years of doing this, you feel you should of hit an idealized version of your art, of yourself. Its much more insidious when you mystify art into nebulous terms like: My art lacks energy, my art has no soul, I have no style, I have no personality, it's not cool enough.

Not only you're wrong because you have no idea what you're talking about, you're not helping yourself on getting anywhere close to knowing what you lack, and more often than not you aren't lacking anything but time. If you keep drawing, no, if you hold art dear to your heart, you will improve! Man, I've talked to people that are consistently "stuck" in a specific artstyle, same bodies, same faces, and they are happy! That's better that how I am doing.
It's just that hating your art, yourself, because you ARE your art, doesn't bring any benefits, you know what I'm saying? If you find yourself hating your art, it's just an indication that there's something wrong going on somewhere else, you MAY fix that drawing more, but you should just stop and reconsider where this hate is coming from.

I've seen a great deal of artists just outright shitting on their own work and it's always sad, and they use the same words I use, the same thoughts I think, the same rhetoric lies I tell to myself, even though they are ages ahead of me in quality and throughput... It makes me think that I might just get better and still be unhappy with myself, and I don't wanna be that, I really don't.

But I dunno what you can do about it, just uh... Go to the psychologist lol, just kidding of course, I mean, it works; sometimes, ah whatever... At least what I'd tell to myself is to stop lying to myself, and that it's okay to fail, this whole gallery is a testament to failure anyway! Heheheee!

That's all, bye!

I have like almost 2k submissions to view from the people I follow here @w@ aaugh...

Anyways, I was thinking about the aspect of community this month, not the community of today mind you. Community nowadays is associated with a brand, were you create content and you sell it... This thought came from Darkgem's little stream he did to talk about the whole situation you might or might not be aware of, but at some point he talked about sharing your progress, yeah? your explorations, your failures, your studies. And my first instinctual gut thought was:

Well that's really stupid, you don't have to if you don't want to. Who wants to see that?

These days of homogenized social media, I see beasts, giants, sporting enormous numbers of interactions, were every single thing they make is a victory, a competition I will never be part of.

So why would I put scraps, studies, wips, failures, etc? Why should I show I am a beginner, an amateur? It certainly won't help me further my brand, right? After all, to make a community you need eyes on your work, and to get eyes on your work is to be good at what you do, no matter what.

But then he talked about these sites, these forums, where people just posted their improvements, the things they did just because, it was a community kind of gallery, not unlike FA.

So, I remember when a friend showed me these old, ancient art sites where amazing inspirations in the furrysphere were posting right there, and it's like, damn, they were just starting! Like I did, like I am.

It's really easy to forget these days that the journey is real these days. That it's not a competition, that it's fun, blablabla. Anyway, instead of thinking I was born in the wrong timeframe to experience these things, I will just try to make it so, for me, maybe for others, god knows I try, I leave comments everywhere and my FA scraps are full with art of like 8 years ago or more.

So yeah, post that shit, the explorations, the studies, the failures, not to prove anything to yourself or others, but to help yourself and others instead.

I forgot to make a journal for this month! Honestly there isn't much to say so I'll just update on my life, probably.

I went back to my studies as an animator this month, decided to take less courses which means I will graduate a year or two later than what the career usually takes... I'm fine with that, I suspended my studies back then because it was really destroying me to work on so many things, and so many things I wasn't interested on...

My wrist feels fine, I'll retake some physical therapy just to be sure and then I'll have to hit the gym to build some strength on my twink-ass body that can't draw with it's arm for more than 15 minutes.

I keep having the same bad thoughts about me, art, and my future, that certainly hasn't gone away, but I have friends and family to help me and the people that enjoy my work to remind me why I draw things.

Oh I'm also trying out Godot, I wanna make a videogame honestly but this nerdy code stuff is really hard and I can't dedicate too much time to learning it properly yet haha.

That's about it! See ya next month.

February! Valentines is uh... In 10 days! I don't think I wanna draw anything for it.

My month went alright, my wrist is still bad, I've been going to physical therapy since the last weeks of January, it kinda makes my wrist sore and sensitive after so I definitely can't draw for as long as I could before, but I know it's all for the better, tendonitis is not a joke!

I also decided to really stop looking at social media, even FA, or the countless art channels in my telegram that I follow.

I've always drawn from comparison, I picked the pencil to pit myself against classmates when I was little and I picked the tablet back in tumblr to get as good as some of the artists I admired.
It's not healthy.
I'm in fact, miserable! I have no sense of enjoyment or self expression, I wouldn't even know how to tell you how to start doing that now. No goals other than "I just have got to get better, like x or y artist (Not naming names cuz that'd be weird)" really just makes you hate everything you make.

It's not like I hate drawing, far from it, all I wanna do is draw still... But I dunno, I'm a bit stumped! I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do, how to get me out of this mindset of endlessly comparing myself to others...

But first things first, I gotta fix my wrist! Did you know I was born with longer forearm bones so I get tendonitis easier? How silly! Also I kind of drew a lot last month and that definitely didn't help, I need to cool it!
Anyways that's all, byeeeeeeeeee.

Hello, I'll just use this as my January journal + the happy new years one everyone's doing.

My hand started hurting again, I've been pretty sad about it. I begrudgingly decided to not draw, which is the objectively correct decision, any artist can tell you that... But I don't feel like I have time for breaks, I'm already so so far behind...

I have a voice in my head that tells me that 10 years of hard work and I have nothing to show for it other than my wrist hurting, it's pretty lame, I'm trying to ignore it.

Whatever the case, I don't wanna be too sad about this, my December journal was already pretty depressing. So in another note, I was looking through my 2024 folder of art because I was thinking of what I'd pick if I were to do a 2024 summary (I'm not doing it), and man, I sure don't color, at all! Or paint as much as I'd like.
I'm pretty scared of leaving my comfort zones.

And my comfort zones are just, sketches, and not even full body ones, I have a hard time with limbs and legs, a problem of how I construct bodies from the ground up I guess... So I'll try to color more this year! (Aaand maybe find a better way to construct my whole poses faster) I'm always saying I need to get better but I barely make an effort to break out of my habits, right <w<? Tell me I'm right on that...

Well, whatever the case, thank you for reading this, enjoying my work, saying nice things, or whatever it is you do when you interact with my art, really. And happy new years.

I sure avoided making a journal for december huh, but it wasn't really intentional! I just forgot! Merry gift acquisition day, this is your gift, my unbridled thoughts.

Art, drawing, making pictures, that's all that has been on my mind really. I live a privileged life where I can draw for enjoyment and not out of economic responsibility, and have plenty of free time to pursue it. By all means I should be pretty happy, content even, but I'm not! I afflict myself constantly with expectations and painful ideations of what I should be doing, what I should be making, at what quality, my level, my line quality, whatever.
It's quite silly, I'm then reminded I don't really have real problems, that others have it way worse, and that in turn makes me feel worse! How conceited, how egotistic of me! How dare myself think I'm worthy of complaining, of crying out loud about these little things that are less than a drop of water in the flood of problems REAL people have to face every single day!

It's been hard to feel motivated when seeing other's art (In fact I currently have 512 unchecked submissions from my followed artists), these very real people making very real pictures, meaningful, soulful pictures. It's hard to know what I'm doing wrong, it simply HAS to be me! It has to! I'm the sole reason I'm stuck, me and my circumstances, the fortunate unfortunate boring circumstances of my uneventful ten years doing art, make it eleven by the end of this year.

I wish I was somebody else!
But anyways, apologies for the moody, sappy journal, if you do read them that is! Do not worry about me, I'll keep drawing, maybe 10 years more I'll be making cool pictures I'll be proud of! That's something to look forward to, genuinely! I'm not being facetious there!

Hope your halloween was fun, if you celebrate it.

I slowed down on art a lot past month, I also found out a lot of friends have a birthday in october and it makes me feel bad not to draw them stuff, I'll be more on point on it next year!
Speaking of being on point of stuff, I haven't been doing studies at all. A lot of friendly people have pointed at some resources that I ultimately ignore, I don't know why, laziness? Maybe just my disdain of structured learning? Oh and money, of course, I'm broke! haha, I don't have money for schoolism or other online course websites but that's ALSO kinda my fault with how I don't open for comms n shit.

My hand is alright, I'm comfortable enough to draw everyday, but I've been scared about it as of late. I recently took a video of my hand movements as I draw and let me tell you, I ain't beating the wrist drawer allegations.

I don't know what to do about it either really, i'm mainly doing very very short strokes, and i like to do things relatively unzoomed, I guess I could just zoom in, or learn how to do short strokes with my arm and not my fingers/wrist which will fuck up my already lackluster line accuracy even further for 2 months or 3.

In a more positive note, I've felt pretty good! I've made many friendships this year, and I know the year isn't over, but I just wanted to point it out! They definitely help me to be a better artist, you know, connections n stuff, sorry if that's too sappy, but it's just how I feel!

Spooky month or something, I don't celebrate it, not my thing.

There's something some friends have tried to communicate me, the act of drawing worse in order to find enjoyment with art again and to find the median of my quality when it comes to drawing... It's hard to wrap my head around that, I honestly don't doodle much and I'm prone of giving up when things don't come right the first time, so exercising that muscle is very hard for me.

Speaking of exercising muscles, painting! Oh! That's hard, of course. And I don't mean cel-shading stuff like this picture I made (Is this cel shading? Terms elude me.) I wanna end up making stuff like Taran or Darkgem or Jerome, you know, like if you really grabbed a brush and painted that shit, yeah?
I've been doing studies, like 30 minute/hourly ones... I use a round brush for all of them, I think they look nice, maybe? But the problem is that I feel I don't learn much, that's the problem I've always had with studies! It doesn't feel like I'm learning anything I can apply when I'm not referring to an existing photo or picture.

So it's hard to keep up the practice, I wouldn't post my studies here, and honestly, it feels like I have nobody to show them to... More importantly, I've always had a feeling that I'm wasting my time when doing them. Like, feelings of "I'm not learning anything" aside, should I be bothering with painting?
In the end, when looking at all the great artist's I admire and their processes, they seem to have their drawings before they even put the first line... And I dunno, I struggle with 3/4 pectorals or hands and making things look overall good right? Like maybe I should focus on drafting more confidently, making appealing lines in one go, to be more like them? Bah, I really don't know.

I know it's a bit irrealistic to compare myself to speedpaints/time-lapses, specially because most don't show the references they used (Maybe they used none, which is what I TRY to do... I don't like using reference, that's like, a whole other can of worms.)
Maybe they went through 10 iterations of the same drawing, I might never know. Whatever the case, it really feels like a good solid drawing skill is needed before I move to animation or painting or 3d sculpting or whatever.

I think those are all my thoughts that were cultivating since last month... Oh right, my hand still feels weird, I'd keep going to physical therapy or a traumatologist, but haha, that's expensive... I'll just take care, stretch, rest, draw more carefully. I really can't afford to not draw because of a stupid hand injury. I have to get better at art.

Hey. It's September, a nice month for my country.

I've been thinking about my situation with art, it's tough to not like what I make. I don't despise it! I just feel a very particular feeling of dissatisfaction, that I should be doing more, better, faster, whatever.

I've been trying to catalogue what I need to do more, or my faults when it comes to it. Like so:

1. I'm deathly afraid of color: I don't know why, well, maybe I do. You see, when I make a picture I get dissatisfied quite easy, I could be done with the sketch (that may or may not took me 2 hours) and I already compare it to other artist's sketches or worse, their finished works, so why should I spend like 2 or 3 more hours coloring something that isn't good? It's a shitty mindset I know, I can't shake it easily. Maybe I should start right away with color, block things in like that, sure, it will look even WORSE since I'm very line dependent but It might help with this.

2. Experimenting: I have a bad mindset about it too. I'm still at a phase where I'm finding my own... Style? How I wanna do things, my processes and stuff. It SHOULD be fun, you know, being in this stage. Freeing, wild, fun, try this, try that. It instead feels like I have a bomb strapped on my chest and I'm running out of time. "I'm 27!" I say. "These artists who are like 28 or 21 all have their developed styles, their choices! I'm running out of time!" Bleh, it sucks, but just like before, it's not easy to shake off this feeling.
I shouldn't just... Experiment with styles either, I should pick up the pen, the real pen, ink, do traditional work, maybe paint, inhale the very healthy smells oil paint gives off on a canvas, sculpting, maybe, I dunno.

3. Anxiety: Well I can't do anything about that really. But for the sake of cataloguing it, I have started to feel some as I draw, and even stronger when I DON'T draw... There was a comic going around, about a guy who's brain chastises him for working too hard, and then chastises him for relaxing and not working. It's kind of similar? Maybe not, I don't feel anxiety for working too much, it's just that when I'm using reference while I work (And I usually reference other artists in the furry sphere) I feel like I'll never meet the weirdo expectations I have on myself, and that leads to anxiety, and then if I don't work, well, you know the gist.

I was gonna list a fourth, but I forgot... My memory is pretty awful these days, anyways, am I taking this seriously enough? Don't answer that, you can't answer that, really, but I don't know myself, what even is taking things seriously? Studying harder? Paying more attention? Going to uni and accumulate a crippling debt (I already did that)? Bah, maybe I should take schoolism classes, there was a good Nathan Fawkes color and light course there...

I've been self taught all my life, it shows, really, I improve very slowly and I don't make very interesting, impressive or hot things (I've phased out of drawing porn lately because I think I suck at it).

So this is just me asking if you've heard or done anything specific to improve, you know, courses... Tutors (Are there even any like, furry artist tutors or shit like that lol)... "I drew a box for 100 years and I'm god" kinda stuff?

Idk, I'm completely out of self made ideas to improve, and I haven't tried much truth be told, never learned how to learn, that's the guy I am.

So help me, please?

Hello, as you know I like making pictures for people because im stupid, if you feel like paying for them well uh, I'll open comms soon someday, I swear.

Still, you can also donate on my ko-fi, just don't mention I make nsfw pictures cause they are iffy about it.

All my links, including my request ask box and my ko-fi can be found on my carrd, here: nobodyshouse.carrd.co

https://t.me/Nobodyshouse

Join for wips! I like posting wips... And chatting, so, yeah, leave comments too if you like!

https://bsky.app/profile/nobodyshouse.bsky.social

and an itaku, which i dont really like much... https://itaku.ee/profile/nobodyshouse

Social medias are all fucked now so I'll probably stay here and post here more, I don't really draw shortstacks enough to be labelled a secret [REDACTED] by the staff so I guess it's this archaic webplace for me.

What the fuck is that new policy dude, it just enables people to report anything in hopes it catches as "child-like proportions" because the rules are so vague, what's going on here.

Edit: I forgot there aren't any forums either to actually gauge reception and complaints and its just a discord moderated by the SAME people who put this vague policy and if you ask for specifics they time you out for 24 hours, what a joke man.

It was mainly intended for twitter where I get the bulk of my interactions but for my followers here I'll share it too!

https://forms.gle/KvHxka7BfWdDJjMe9

It'd mean a lot if you answer sincerely! I'm often at a loss about what YOU want to see from me given the weird and different things I get into all the time, so please, answer it if you are able.

You can tell me to go fuck myself here!!
https://retrospring.net/@Nobodyshouse

any doodles i'll do there will be going on my twitter probably, im not sure if i should post them here too under scraps, tell me what you think.

I post a lot more on twitter than here since i don't think this is a good place to submit unfinished scribbles, hah

Link is https://twitter.com/nobodyshouse

and i am also dead inside

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