Doing pretty good, right now.

Making money, studying, and workin' out.

Right now, this is good. Right now, I feel perfect.

Gonna keep on keepin' on.

I am really hurt right now. Na roda da vida nos somos grandes e pequenos...and I lost someone big. I keep trying to separate strength and being wounded, but you can be strong and hurt I am finding out. I got a job today. I'm taking all the steps towards my goals. I feel good, about that...I am increasing my level of unconditional positive regard every day. Learning about respect, and boundaries. I am becoming something more, all on my own. Eu sou.

I wish it was different, though. I wish it was different. I wish I could take back all the pain and suffering I've caused. I wish I got help when I ought to have and didn't let the beautiful and precious things that meant the most to me slip through my fingers. They say move on from the past, that it is gone, but perhaps I am meant to be haunted this way. Sometimes when you are really cut by the consequences the scar is the safest reminder of sense. It is not an easy task to rebuild one's self. I am grateful for boxing and the few relationships that my behavior in the midst of my disease didn't sour.

How I feel now is so different from then. I am more of a self, and I feel things like calm and tenderness and a new way to look at living. It wasn't me! I wish I could say...it doesn't feel like me...but it could be no one else...

Ugh I am literally sick...my insides are revolting against me.

Just punch. Punch. Punch.

Punch and wait.

Boxing. So much boxing. I am hitting so many people and am doing really good at it.

I think I want to hit people forever.

Anyway, life is cool. Hopefully gonna start doing stuff.

I feel it in my guts. It's like an ache the physical sensation. A lust, a jealousy. An addiction. It feels like I'll never be able to move on. I can't see a life without it. That's how you know you're addicted. The sadness, the despair, the dreams. Knowing you will never have it again.

What have I done to my life

How can you live after doing horrible things? After hurting people deeply, in ways that might last forever? I can feel the hand of callousness and indifference slowly squeezing me in it's grip, where turning towards numbness and emptiness is safer and more reliable than trying to feel and look at myself with honesty. I am a coward. Every day feels like just another day waiting anxiously for some sort of bursting point or relief from this fever, this constant strain of self depreciation and degeneration. It's hard enough to get out of bed right now let alone enjoy life. Time spent awake is just spent waiting to be asleep again. To escape this, and escape the fear that I'll never really be okay and that this is permanent.

I am a bad man.

This year I looked at my life and said "fuck you" and I tore it to shreds. I watched it all slip through my fingers. I hurt myself, deeply, and I hurt others even more so. Now I'm sitting alone in this basement afraid and disoriented. Loathing myself. No money, but the expenses are high. No passion, but everything to lose. I'm becoming ironed over again by this depression. It's easier and easier to sleep longer every day, but feel less and less rested. To lay to rest the feelings I dare not feel lest do something rash again. Instead I dull myself...watching re-runs...drinking...anything to not feel this anger and disappointment and jealousy and despair. I burned a lot of bridges. I destroyed a lot. What's more, I want to keep burning. To go fight and get hit more. To drink more. To ignore people and push and push until I'm a distant thought and I can finally disappear. I'm sorry I couldn't have been more. I'm sorry I couldn't have been stronger. This is what I've been since a cowardly boy and now what I am as a disgusting, waste of a man. I don't feel love. I don't feel tenderness. I don't enjoy myself except only to be placated and to feel not at all. All I want is to rest.

One of the worst days of my entire year.

I don't even know what happened.

I will draw you a picture if you want one. Post here saying what you want with refs if necessary.

WARNING

I am not very good.

Front Squats to Overhead Presses
Hammer Grip Pull-Ups
Queda De Rins Presses
Straddle V-Ups
Bridge Walking
Kick Combinations

Gonna get it

===
Mmm, what'd you say?
Mmm, that you only meant well?
Well, of course you did
Mmm, what'd you say?
Mmm, that it's all for the best?
Of course it is

Hmm, what'd you say?
Hmm, that it's just what we need
You decided this
What'd you say?
Hmm, what did you say?
===

Breaking

I just scored one! Go get yours!

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12063976/

Help an artist and get you a sweet, sweet icon.

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go
And you let her go
Well you let her go

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

Today I did

Queda de Rins presses (5 sets of 4 presses on each side)

Role work (Free flowing Roles for a minute)

Handstand/Au work (Static handstands and Au)

Back Tucks


Fun!

Meia Lua De Frente -> Armada

Aramada -> Meia Lua De Compasso

Queixada -> Armada

Queixada -> Meia Lua De Compasso

Meia Lua De Frente -> Armada Contra

Meia Lua De Frente -> Meia Lua De Compasso Contra

Armada -> Meia Lua De Compasso Contra

Queixada -> Meia Lua De Compasso Contra

Meia Lua De Compasso -> Meia Lua De Compasso Contra

It ain't easy!

Today's work:

Back Bridge Mobility
-Rotate into low bridge
-Two-Arm Bridge Push-Ups
-Rounded back lock-knee dead-lifts

Tomorrow. TOMORROW.

Hello! I am accepting online clients for online consultation and personal training. Please note me for rates. Thank you!

The smoke from the ashes.

Feelin' worthless. Cool.

Eu já vivo enjoado,
de viver aqui na terra,
óh mamãe eu vou pra lua,
falei com minha mulher,
ela então me respondeu,
nós vamos se Deus quiser,
vamos fazer um ranchinho,
todo feito de sapé,
amanhã ás 7:00 horas,
nós vamos tomar café,
ê eu que nunca acreditei,
não posso me conformar,
que a lua venha a terra,
que a terra venha a luar,
tudo isso é conversa,
pra comer sem trabalhar,
ó senhor amigo meu,
escute o meu cantar,
quem é dono não se insiuma,
quem não é quer ensiumar,
(háhá) é hora é hora
corô(iê é hora é hora)
iê vamos embora
coro(iê vamos embora camará)
pela barra fora
coro(iê pela barra fora camará)
iê viva meu Deus
coro(iê viva meu Deus camará)
iê viva meu Mestre
coro(iê viva meu Mestre camará)....