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I did this wrong
Posted 2 years agoI did this wrong. Looking back, finally seeing what all I have done, back during such a very stressful time in my life, I realize I approached this whole situation wrong. I isolated myself because I was afraid of the pain. I discarded this account because I was afraid of conflict and of trying to sort out so much of what others were going through. I wasn't being an attention whore. I was being an idiot, but not really to get attention.
I took on the issues of others as a way to ignore my own problems. I took on mediation between others because I couldn't find solace within my own thoughts. I opened myself up so much that I was in physical pain from caring too much about how others felt and reacted to me, and to other friends. Whether or not how I handled this correctly is, actually, not even the point. It's already done. I left this account because I was reacting in pain and fear, and I let it determine the outcome, instead of rising above it. It was a mistake, and to everyone that I basically abandoned over the years, I apologize.
I don't think there's any way I can make it up to anyone, it's been way too long. However, if anyone wants to give me a second chance, or possibly third, or... I don't know, for a few of you it might be a much higher number...anyway, if you would give me that privilege, I will cherish it deeply and do my best not to lose it again. I was a royal idiot back then, so I can understand if I burned that bridge to a crisp after so long. But I made a promise to a few friends that I can't even have that kind of opportunity with again, and they're permanently gone. I will keep bridges open on my side. No matter what happened back then, no matter who did what, I don't care about that anymore. Life is too short to worry about that kind of thing. The past is the past. I want to see the future with my friends. All of them. Even if we parted on really bad terms, I don't care about that. I will always keep it open on my side. I'll spread this message as far and wide as I can.
All other deprecated accounts will show this, and I'll link my current social profiles here and wherever I have access. If you truly want contact, I will do my best to keep it with you. It may not be daily, and it may not even be weekly. But I will keep contact the best that I can.
I'm not perfect. I'm not going to try to be perfect, like I did before. That is what truly broke me. I have DID from quite a bit of this, so hopefully that can explain some of the more questionable things that I did, back then. I'm learning, and trying to heal, from when I went through college. It did a lot of harm, trying to shoulder so many things and ignoring my own issues to try to take care of others. However, I don't regret the friends I made back then. I don't even regret the people that I had fallen out with, and those interactions, because I know I was messed up at the time. Perspective can do a lot of things.
Anyway, I'll leave it at this. Even if I don't talk to another person from that time, I do hope you are doing well. I still care, even after all of this time, and I haven't forgotten the good that I saw in any person during that time. Please take care, and if I never get a chance to interact with you again, I want you to have a good life. Nobody deserves pain and misery. We are all troubled and burdened in this life, and I believe those that I encountered all had some kindness within the at some point. I only hope that kindness has flourished, despite my absence.
-Sammonaran, Wasdramer, Raiok Incaris, Ashanriu Rivnica, Zyraph Chronicros
Edit: Current social media accounts are linked at https://zyraph.drag.li
I took on the issues of others as a way to ignore my own problems. I took on mediation between others because I couldn't find solace within my own thoughts. I opened myself up so much that I was in physical pain from caring too much about how others felt and reacted to me, and to other friends. Whether or not how I handled this correctly is, actually, not even the point. It's already done. I left this account because I was reacting in pain and fear, and I let it determine the outcome, instead of rising above it. It was a mistake, and to everyone that I basically abandoned over the years, I apologize.
I don't think there's any way I can make it up to anyone, it's been way too long. However, if anyone wants to give me a second chance, or possibly third, or... I don't know, for a few of you it might be a much higher number...anyway, if you would give me that privilege, I will cherish it deeply and do my best not to lose it again. I was a royal idiot back then, so I can understand if I burned that bridge to a crisp after so long. But I made a promise to a few friends that I can't even have that kind of opportunity with again, and they're permanently gone. I will keep bridges open on my side. No matter what happened back then, no matter who did what, I don't care about that anymore. Life is too short to worry about that kind of thing. The past is the past. I want to see the future with my friends. All of them. Even if we parted on really bad terms, I don't care about that. I will always keep it open on my side. I'll spread this message as far and wide as I can.
All other deprecated accounts will show this, and I'll link my current social profiles here and wherever I have access. If you truly want contact, I will do my best to keep it with you. It may not be daily, and it may not even be weekly. But I will keep contact the best that I can.
I'm not perfect. I'm not going to try to be perfect, like I did before. That is what truly broke me. I have DID from quite a bit of this, so hopefully that can explain some of the more questionable things that I did, back then. I'm learning, and trying to heal, from when I went through college. It did a lot of harm, trying to shoulder so many things and ignoring my own issues to try to take care of others. However, I don't regret the friends I made back then. I don't even regret the people that I had fallen out with, and those interactions, because I know I was messed up at the time. Perspective can do a lot of things.
Anyway, I'll leave it at this. Even if I don't talk to another person from that time, I do hope you are doing well. I still care, even after all of this time, and I haven't forgotten the good that I saw in any person during that time. Please take care, and if I never get a chance to interact with you again, I want you to have a good life. Nobody deserves pain and misery. We are all troubled and burdened in this life, and I believe those that I encountered all had some kindness within the at some point. I only hope that kindness has flourished, despite my absence.
-Sammonaran, Wasdramer, Raiok Incaris, Ashanriu Rivnica, Zyraph Chronicros
Edit: Current social media accounts are linked at https://zyraph.drag.li
An Apology/Finally Stable
Posted 5 years agoI know this probably sounds cringy, and I apologize in advance. I'm going to try to leave this as brief as possible.
I'm sorry. I ran from everyone. I burned bridges. I hid away, as the world burned around me, because I really was afraid of everyone and everything. I had the worst time of my life, clinging to literally everyone and everything. I pushed very, very kind people away, because I had to focus a lot more inward. I had to do that, to get myself stable, and figure my shit out.
The first part was, why? Why did I run? I was afraid. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I went into some sort of defense mode, to where I didn't know how to function. I took on too much, all on my own, because I cared too much, so... I just broke. I cared that much, and went insane when I didn't know how to control it all.
So, found out a lot about myself, after so long. The core reason I ran, was because of something called Borderline Personality Disorder. Remember all the voices and different pieces of myself? There's that answer. Yes, the voices are still there. Raiok, Ashanriu, and Zyraph are still there. It's just a lot more manageable now. They weren't that problematic, it was everything else that was. Running away, disassociating from a lot of my own pain and issues, by trying to help others through their own, literally drowning myself in it all? That's just been my biggest issue. As a result, I fucked up college, and quite a bit of my early 20s.
This isn't what the journal is about, though. Recently (last week or two), I thought about trying to reconnect with a few old friends, because I was finally stable enough to talk again. I've been looking through the last couple of days to reconnect, and saw that I'd lost some deep connections, permanently. This has caused a lot of emotions within me, and I want to get back to those I used to know. Even if I may not be the same person as before, or even if they have changed, I want my words to them to be something other than cringe or worse. I want to be with my old group of friends again, at least a little.
So, I've sent out some friend requests on Steam. I've also updated my contact information to actually match my active accounts. Additionally, I'll even give out my personal number if I remember you and contact me in a note or through other means.
I know I've done some messed up shit in the past, but I want some people from my past back in my life. It may be a bit painful to confront, especially with truly deep connections from before, but I want and need this. I want to heal these parts of me so I can be whole again, and to show I'm not a shit cringy person anymore.
I'm sorry. I ran from everyone. I burned bridges. I hid away, as the world burned around me, because I really was afraid of everyone and everything. I had the worst time of my life, clinging to literally everyone and everything. I pushed very, very kind people away, because I had to focus a lot more inward. I had to do that, to get myself stable, and figure my shit out.
The first part was, why? Why did I run? I was afraid. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I went into some sort of defense mode, to where I didn't know how to function. I took on too much, all on my own, because I cared too much, so... I just broke. I cared that much, and went insane when I didn't know how to control it all.
So, found out a lot about myself, after so long. The core reason I ran, was because of something called Borderline Personality Disorder. Remember all the voices and different pieces of myself? There's that answer. Yes, the voices are still there. Raiok, Ashanriu, and Zyraph are still there. It's just a lot more manageable now. They weren't that problematic, it was everything else that was. Running away, disassociating from a lot of my own pain and issues, by trying to help others through their own, literally drowning myself in it all? That's just been my biggest issue. As a result, I fucked up college, and quite a bit of my early 20s.
This isn't what the journal is about, though. Recently (last week or two), I thought about trying to reconnect with a few old friends, because I was finally stable enough to talk again. I've been looking through the last couple of days to reconnect, and saw that I'd lost some deep connections, permanently. This has caused a lot of emotions within me, and I want to get back to those I used to know. Even if I may not be the same person as before, or even if they have changed, I want my words to them to be something other than cringe or worse. I want to be with my old group of friends again, at least a little.
So, I've sent out some friend requests on Steam. I've also updated my contact information to actually match my active accounts. Additionally, I'll even give out my personal number if I remember you and contact me in a note or through other means.
I know I've done some messed up shit in the past, but I want some people from my past back in my life. It may be a bit painful to confront, especially with truly deep connections from before, but I want and need this. I want to heal these parts of me so I can be whole again, and to show I'm not a shit cringy person anymore.
<Insert catchy journal title here>
Posted 7 years agoI can't believe I've gone a whole year without making one journal entry. Ok, fine, I actually can believe it, but it was not intentional. I've just had that many things going on, plus a major depression spell that had lasted for most of that time. So, I'll fill you guys in, since I know quite a few of you have been worried, and I really am sorry for worrying anyone, it's just been that long of a journey for me to finally find myself in a more stable condition.
So, let's start at the end of last year. I moved and changed jobs, both of which were probably not entirely the best things for me like I thought, but it did help in some aspects. I started working at Speedway (for the second time), this time doing nights, which was not very healthy for my depression. The move started rocky, though it did eventually get better, and it has been pretty positive overall.
I have made a couple of friends, and they have helped me a lot through my depression. However, I misjudged just how badly off I really was, and now I have a more thorough explanation for my condition. For the first half of 2018, it's really more of a blur. I was on a few antidepressants, and they took me off of Adderall. I took a test to see how well I could focus, and found that I actually have more ability to focus than the average person. So, why did I exhibit so many signs of ADHD without actually having it? We had to dig deeper.
For the second half of 2018, I was still depressed and was also having a mental breakdown every week, sometimes twice in one week. My medication was being switched a bit during all of this, just to see what would help more, not just for my depression, but also my motivation. I started working two jobs, literally having just enough time to eat before sleeping, and then waking up maybe 4-5 hours later to go back at it again. My depression got so bad, that I quit Speedway without any notice, literally coming in for my shift and then telling them I couldn't work there anymore, and left. I've never done that before, and while that was a hard decision to make (my insurance was covered through them), it was a choice that helped me overall.
Within the last three months, it's been concluded that I have a chemical imbalance that causes depression, ADHD-like symptoms, very high anxiety, and a huge lack of motivation to the point that it was hard to even want to do anything for myself. I will be taking drugs for the rest of my life to treat this imbalance, as it is too problematic to cope without medication. Unless they find another way to treat my condition, I have to take medication for this. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but my life has improved overall, so I am getting better at least.
I have enough motivation to finally start my computer business, and I've started taking steps towards that end. My only real issue is funding, but I'll hopefully figure that out really soon. I have a lot of preparations to do for it as well, so that will be fun to work on.
Where does this leave me with the furry community? I'm still very much a furry, that much will never change, especially since I still see myself as a dragon. I may not be very active on here, but of course you all know that. I'm not really sure where this takes me yet. I'll still try to keep active, but there's still a lot of things to do to get my life set up more.
OH! I almost forgot the most important news out of all of this! I got married to my mate of five years back in May! We post-dated it for April 15th, since that's when we started dating all that time ago. He's the love of my life, and has helped me through so much of my troubled times.
In other news, my grandmother has been getting progressively worse. She has dementia, and my mother has gotten herself therapy because she's had to deal with her so much. My oldest brother has forced a quick-sale of my grandmother's house through his Power of Attorney, so eventually that will be sold.
I'm improving my life, one bit at a time. It's not been easy, and I'm grateful to everyone who has helped me make it this far. I know it's not been very easy for those watching from afar, but I am making progress. It takes a lot of time and I've been making a lot of effort. I appreciate everyone who has helped me through all of this.
And now, I'm going to take a nap :3
So, let's start at the end of last year. I moved and changed jobs, both of which were probably not entirely the best things for me like I thought, but it did help in some aspects. I started working at Speedway (for the second time), this time doing nights, which was not very healthy for my depression. The move started rocky, though it did eventually get better, and it has been pretty positive overall.
I have made a couple of friends, and they have helped me a lot through my depression. However, I misjudged just how badly off I really was, and now I have a more thorough explanation for my condition. For the first half of 2018, it's really more of a blur. I was on a few antidepressants, and they took me off of Adderall. I took a test to see how well I could focus, and found that I actually have more ability to focus than the average person. So, why did I exhibit so many signs of ADHD without actually having it? We had to dig deeper.
For the second half of 2018, I was still depressed and was also having a mental breakdown every week, sometimes twice in one week. My medication was being switched a bit during all of this, just to see what would help more, not just for my depression, but also my motivation. I started working two jobs, literally having just enough time to eat before sleeping, and then waking up maybe 4-5 hours later to go back at it again. My depression got so bad, that I quit Speedway without any notice, literally coming in for my shift and then telling them I couldn't work there anymore, and left. I've never done that before, and while that was a hard decision to make (my insurance was covered through them), it was a choice that helped me overall.
Within the last three months, it's been concluded that I have a chemical imbalance that causes depression, ADHD-like symptoms, very high anxiety, and a huge lack of motivation to the point that it was hard to even want to do anything for myself. I will be taking drugs for the rest of my life to treat this imbalance, as it is too problematic to cope without medication. Unless they find another way to treat my condition, I have to take medication for this. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but my life has improved overall, so I am getting better at least.
I have enough motivation to finally start my computer business, and I've started taking steps towards that end. My only real issue is funding, but I'll hopefully figure that out really soon. I have a lot of preparations to do for it as well, so that will be fun to work on.
Where does this leave me with the furry community? I'm still very much a furry, that much will never change, especially since I still see myself as a dragon. I may not be very active on here, but of course you all know that. I'm not really sure where this takes me yet. I'll still try to keep active, but there's still a lot of things to do to get my life set up more.
OH! I almost forgot the most important news out of all of this! I got married to my mate of five years back in May! We post-dated it for April 15th, since that's when we started dating all that time ago. He's the love of my life, and has helped me through so much of my troubled times.
In other news, my grandmother has been getting progressively worse. She has dementia, and my mother has gotten herself therapy because she's had to deal with her so much. My oldest brother has forced a quick-sale of my grandmother's house through his Power of Attorney, so eventually that will be sold.
I'm improving my life, one bit at a time. It's not been easy, and I'm grateful to everyone who has helped me make it this far. I know it's not been very easy for those watching from afar, but I am making progress. It takes a lot of time and I've been making a lot of effort. I appreciate everyone who has helped me through all of this.
And now, I'm going to take a nap :3
Oh Look, Change of House and Job!
Posted 8 years agoSo, funny thing...I was talking to a couple that just got married about two months ago (I've known them for years) and they wanted me to move into a place with them, along with my mate. As we were talking about it, my mate's father found out and...completely blew things out of proportion to the point I couldn't go back to my mate's place...This happened a couple of days after Thanksgiving. Thanks to the motivation of a very kind rat, and the help from a wolf pup, I've changed my place of living and job all within a week. Even better, we were all able to get things together for a house to all stay in. The couple and I are moving in next Friday, though my mate won't be joining in until the summer, most likely.
I work for Speedway again. It was the only place I could think of that would take me on such short notice (within 3 days of leaving my other job, I was doing paperwork, so that's a great sign). Plus, I can still get there even after I move, so...yeah...
Currently staying with the couple in their apartment for now. But since everything on the house is pretty much finalized, I think I'll be doing pretty well :3
But ya...just an update to provide. Oh, also getting new glasses after like 7 years...I think I needed new ones. ;3
Hope everyone is doing well, just wanted to let everyone know what was going on with me. Whee!
I work for Speedway again. It was the only place I could think of that would take me on such short notice (within 3 days of leaving my other job, I was doing paperwork, so that's a great sign). Plus, I can still get there even after I move, so...yeah...
Currently staying with the couple in their apartment for now. But since everything on the house is pretty much finalized, I think I'll be doing pretty well :3
But ya...just an update to provide. Oh, also getting new glasses after like 7 years...I think I needed new ones. ;3
Hope everyone is doing well, just wanted to let everyone know what was going on with me. Whee!
Medication Side-Effects/Lots of News
Posted 8 years agoI'm sorry it seems like I dropped off the face of the Earth, but there is an explanation, and it's not something I've been fully able to help! I promise it's not intentional, but there is a reason, please bear with me. I will explain this with great detail in this first section. I am breaking this journal into four parts: Medication, news of my grandmother/mother, vacation I just took, and the possibility of moving from where I'm currently living. There's a LOT to read, and I'm sorry, I haven't had a chance to lay it all out, but here we are. Feel free to skip parts that don't interest you, I just ask that you at least read through the first section because that will hopefully explain why I've been even more silent than usual.
***There's a Tl;Dr at the bottom of the journal if you don't want to wade through thousands of words. Sorry for being way too wordy ^.=.^;;***
Medication Side-Effects
The medication I'm taking for my ADHD (Adderall) has some side effects. Just like every kind of medication one can take, they could be mild or severe (or somewhere in between). The intended effect is that you are supposed to concentrate a bit more on a given task, whether it be a video game, or your job. You tend to shut out more distractions, they don't affect you as much, and this improves the ability to multitask and think more deeply about what you are doing. It also allows you, in some instances, to focus on multiple thoughts at once. For example, I could be taking an order for someone on drive-thru, grabbing some things to stock, and having a conversation with a coworker, all without it making me forget too much about the customer's order. This effect is positive, and is the main effect of the drug.
However, this comes at a cost. Because I get so focused on things (in this instance, a game I've been playing a LOT lately), I don't pay attention to the notifications that have been piling up on my phone. I have my phone set to a really high volume (second-highest I can set on it). While playing my game, I can hear it go off. I don't check my phone much at all. I get so focused on the game that I just don't look at my notifications much at all. The worst part of this, is that I don't get back with anyone trying to get a hold of me. I have multiple chats on Telegram that I just have not responded to. I feel really bad about this, and I promise, if I haven't responded to you, it's not because you've done anything wrong. I've not expected this kind of effect, so it's just really hard to be social online because of it. If it's in person, I'm fine, because that has my center of focus. If it's online, I just haven't talked to much of anyone. I've talked to two people through Telegram in the last month, and both I know personally as they are local. I'm really sorry to anyone that I haven't talked to. It's not you, I'm just trying to force myself to get back into being social.
I can attribute this to the medication, since, while I have not been as social as I used to be, this is like jumping off of a social cliff. I've had multiple people with experience with the drug tell me that it is an effect from it, and that I must force myself to be social. The drug gives me the stimulation that I need to focus on tasks and whatnot. In other words, it gives me something I've been lacking all of my life, and this "something" is what most people have already. Without that "something," I either focus too much on something (like my emotions) or too little (like my job). This is the design of the medication. However, part of my stimulation when I did not have the drug, was to talk to people a lot. Constantly. I would give others a lot more attention than I would give myself, to the point I would neglect a lot of things I should have been taking care of on my own. Now that I have that stimulation, I have no need to find an external stimulus. Since talking to others was that stimulus for so long, I just stopped entirely.
This effect is one that I do not desire. I care about all of my friends, and I struggle greatly with this issue. It is a huge deal to me, because I want to be able to talk to you guys, it's just that I keep running through a specific process in my head. "I should talk to this person, but I'm doing something and I don't want to keep them waiting while I'm doing something." "I should talk to this person, but I'm about to head into work now so I can't even have a conversation with them." "I should talk to this person, but I'm about to sleep, so if I start now, I won't sleep much at all and it will affect me physically, mentally, and emotionally." Thoughts like these actually stop me from reaching out to others, and it's such a difficult thing to let go, because while those thoughts are correct, they pop up so frequently that I can't get any words out to people. It hurts...and I really, really do not like this.
A theory that my brother has made, is that it's due to me taking the timed-release version of Adderall. Everyone that I know who takes Adderall takes the rapid-release version. The rapid release of the drug into the system creates a huge stimulus, which boosts whatever that person wants to do and it eventually wears off within 8-13 hours. The timed release version, which I take, can last 12-18 hours and provides a smaller stimulus over time. This version also affects my sleeping patterns, as I can get so wrapped up in whatever I am doing, that I just can't stop myself from continuing with whatever I am focused on. Additionally, since it is a stimulant, It will force my body to be awake until it runs its course. I am forced to stay awake and pay attention to something for a long period of time, shutting out all distractions (including friends) until I either pass out or the drug wears off.
While the effects are intended, they are not effects that I want to have on that end. I'm going to be talking to my doctor about options, and try to push for the rapid release version. I asked about it last time, but he was increasing my dosage from 10 mg to 15 mg, and said he didn't want to give me the rapid release. I'm assuming it is probably due to people selling that version on the street a lot more often than the timed release version. I will just have to make my case, and hopefully he will switch it up.
Additionally, another effect that I've been having is that my anger has started showing itself more. It's like I've lost a little bit of my patience, but I think it's just more that since I didn't really show my anger (I felt the emotions, I just didn't express it as much), it's making me express it a little more. This is a side effect my brother had with this, though it was when they had him on an improper dosage. It was so extreme that he could not control his anger and would snap on the most trivial of things. He didn't really remember much of those things either, though he did say he felt like something else had taken him over when that occurred. Like he was watching from above, his body acting on its own. Mine is not to that extreme, I just express my anger more when I have that emotion. On the other hand, I get over my anger quicker. I'm not sure if it's because whatever is making me angry is being resolved quicker, or if it's just by me expressing that anger, that it lets me feel like it was validated enough to just let it go. Either way, it is also something I should address with my doctor.
Anyway, that's the critical part I hope you all read. If you don't want to do anymore reading, I understand, I'm just glad you guys looked this far. The rest, while also important in some ways, can be skipped, since I just want to at least share things going on in my life outside of my mental health.
My Grandmother and Mother
As I've told you guys before, my grandmother has ovarian cancer. I haven't had a chance to share much of the extent of it in the last few months, but it has been upgraded to stage 4. They are not doing surgery because they have found some of the cancer cells in her lungs, though it was in a fluid, not actually in the lungs themselves. Either way, they cannot operate on her. They are giving her a drug that is just barely exiting testing stages. The effects from this drug are to basically kill off the cancer cells as well as weaken them enough to where the body can get rid of them. The side-effects are horrifying, however. It is possible she could die with this treatment, as it greatly weakens the immune system. I cannot even touch the drug myself, as one of the effects is it could render me sterile (I'm not joking). Anyone that handles the drug must wash their hands after touching it, as the effects are very dangerous if ingested by someone that is not prescribed the medication. It is harmful to humans, and while no longer "experimental", I'm not sure how this drug will affect my grandmother. Even with this drug, her death is a real possibility. They've also said there is no possibility for her to go into remission. The rest of her life, she will have this cancer, and this is the best hope she has to living longer. In other words, while they didn't directly say it, this cancer is terminal, because it has spread into multiple systems and surgery is not possible.
My mother is not doing well either. She went to the doctor two weeks ago, complaining about chest pains. They ran a lot of tests, and told her she was in the highest risk category for having a heart attack (obese, high blood pressure, lots of stress, diabetic, and she's had a heart murmur since she was born). There is a huge possibility she could have a heart attack at any moment. I do not know what to make of this. She's trying to sell my grandmother's house, but my grandmother is trying to prevent that because she wants more money. Luckily, my oldest brother has Power of Attorney over her, and is doing everything to get the house sold. There is so much debt, plus she hasn't paid the property taxes in over a year, so it must be sold.
This is not an easy time for my family. It hasn't been an easy time for my family in years, but it has literally gotten worse for them in the last ten years, each situation worse than the last. I literally have no idea how this keeps piling up more and more.
This stuff aside, I do have some good news below.
Vacation
My mate and I have been having a lot of arguments lately, mainly about our living situation. However, it was pressing so much on my mind that I questioned if I even wanted to be with him still. The fact that I didn't want to move in with him and his dad was one of the things that has weighed me down a lot since I got together with him. I might have mentioned this before, but his father is an alcoholic, smokes a lot (cigarettes mainly, but he also has weed) (I'm not knocking weed, btw, I'm just saying it doesn't affect me and I'm not supposed to smoke that with Adderall anyway), and he also occasionally goes for some harder drugs. He is so far obese that he can't even walk 50 feet without sitting down, completely winded. He loves his guns and thinks Trump is the best thing that ever happened to this country. He complains about more things than anyone I've ever met, and 90%+ of those things, he could prevent by doing some things just slightly differently.
Combine this with my mate not happy with his workplace, his father being a great asshole all the time, and our relationship struggles, we both took a bit of a vacation. My mate was able to use some paid leave for his, and I just asked for four days off, unpaid (I don't have vacation days) and we just spent some time trying to reconnect. We went downtown to a hotel for a night, and walked around Indianapolis the next day. By doing this, it helped me realize that I didn't really want to let go of my mate. I just really wanted us to move out of his father's trailer, so I could actually be with him without worrying about if I could even spend time with him or if his dad's codependency would force us to not even be able to talk for five minutes.
I've struggled for a long time, not knowing if I wanted to still be with my mate or not. It has been the hardest decision in my entire life to this point. It's not been a very easy thing I've been able to think about, but it's a huge decision for me. For now, I feel he is still the right one for me. I feel if he wasn't living with his father, he would probably be a lot more open to a lot of things. I think he plays game a lot because he is extremely stressed out because of his father, and if he was away from him, he'd probably do more than just play games a lot. I'm not sure if that's entirely how that will work, but I want to at least get him into an environment where he has a chance to feel less pressure and stress from his father, at least so he is happier.
This leads me into my last bit of news.
Possibly Moving
So, two dear friends of mine just got married. I've known them since college, and they are great friends. I feel like I know them really well, especially since we've talked alot and we get along really well. They are going to move from their current apartment complex to something a little bit bigger, and while they could afford it on their own, they want to pay off their debt while living there. So, they have asked if my mate and I wanted to move in with them. We talked about a lot of the things that needed to be addressed about it, and the location they were thinking about would mean that I'd have to quit my current job. However, I could get a job at a place I used to work at, and probably make more money than I'm currently making simply because I'd have full time. I could also get my old 401k back and it would just overall be a much better situation for me. They don't smoke, they rarely drink (but they aren't bad drunks), and I feel like this living situation could definitely work. Cost for the place would be around $400 per couple, and utilities would be split up each month. We'd all go grocery shopping together, to make sure everything we want would be purchased at that time.
I could make that jump immediately, when they get things sorted, I just have to ensure I can get my old job back (The only thing preventing that is if my old store manager retired). My mate will probably stay with his dad for awhile longer, since he still doesn't know if he wants to stay at his current job, or find something closer to where the place of living may be. He will have to learn to drive if he chooses to stay where he currently works (I'll also need to learn, but it will be far easier for me to learn in that living situation). All in all, I feel this will be a huge change, but a much needed one, for everyone involved.
I just have to remember that this is still in the planning phase. The final location is still being decided, and things can very easily change. Nothing is solid yet, though I do feel like the four of us could live together pretty well. I'll have a lot more details in the coming weeks, on all of these things going on. I need to communicate stuff more often...I just realized I spent over two hours typing all of this stuff up, without much interruption. I'm really sorry for all the text guys! I'll provide a Tl;Dr.
Tl;Dr:
Adderall is making me focus too much on other tasks to the point that I'm not focused on being very social online. I'm contacting my doctor to get this addressed and hopefully taken care of.
My grandmother's cancer is basically terminal and they are giving her a drug that may help delay things, but it could also kill her. My mother's health is not well either, since she is in the highest category for a heart attack.
My mate and I took a vacation, reconnected a bit with each other, and we are working towards moving out of his father's place.
Two friends that just got married are talking about my mate and I moving in with them when they get a new place. It sounds very promising, but everything is still in the planning stages.
***There's a Tl;Dr at the bottom of the journal if you don't want to wade through thousands of words. Sorry for being way too wordy ^.=.^;;***
Medication Side-Effects
The medication I'm taking for my ADHD (Adderall) has some side effects. Just like every kind of medication one can take, they could be mild or severe (or somewhere in between). The intended effect is that you are supposed to concentrate a bit more on a given task, whether it be a video game, or your job. You tend to shut out more distractions, they don't affect you as much, and this improves the ability to multitask and think more deeply about what you are doing. It also allows you, in some instances, to focus on multiple thoughts at once. For example, I could be taking an order for someone on drive-thru, grabbing some things to stock, and having a conversation with a coworker, all without it making me forget too much about the customer's order. This effect is positive, and is the main effect of the drug.
However, this comes at a cost. Because I get so focused on things (in this instance, a game I've been playing a LOT lately), I don't pay attention to the notifications that have been piling up on my phone. I have my phone set to a really high volume (second-highest I can set on it). While playing my game, I can hear it go off. I don't check my phone much at all. I get so focused on the game that I just don't look at my notifications much at all. The worst part of this, is that I don't get back with anyone trying to get a hold of me. I have multiple chats on Telegram that I just have not responded to. I feel really bad about this, and I promise, if I haven't responded to you, it's not because you've done anything wrong. I've not expected this kind of effect, so it's just really hard to be social online because of it. If it's in person, I'm fine, because that has my center of focus. If it's online, I just haven't talked to much of anyone. I've talked to two people through Telegram in the last month, and both I know personally as they are local. I'm really sorry to anyone that I haven't talked to. It's not you, I'm just trying to force myself to get back into being social.
I can attribute this to the medication, since, while I have not been as social as I used to be, this is like jumping off of a social cliff. I've had multiple people with experience with the drug tell me that it is an effect from it, and that I must force myself to be social. The drug gives me the stimulation that I need to focus on tasks and whatnot. In other words, it gives me something I've been lacking all of my life, and this "something" is what most people have already. Without that "something," I either focus too much on something (like my emotions) or too little (like my job). This is the design of the medication. However, part of my stimulation when I did not have the drug, was to talk to people a lot. Constantly. I would give others a lot more attention than I would give myself, to the point I would neglect a lot of things I should have been taking care of on my own. Now that I have that stimulation, I have no need to find an external stimulus. Since talking to others was that stimulus for so long, I just stopped entirely.
This effect is one that I do not desire. I care about all of my friends, and I struggle greatly with this issue. It is a huge deal to me, because I want to be able to talk to you guys, it's just that I keep running through a specific process in my head. "I should talk to this person, but I'm doing something and I don't want to keep them waiting while I'm doing something." "I should talk to this person, but I'm about to head into work now so I can't even have a conversation with them." "I should talk to this person, but I'm about to sleep, so if I start now, I won't sleep much at all and it will affect me physically, mentally, and emotionally." Thoughts like these actually stop me from reaching out to others, and it's such a difficult thing to let go, because while those thoughts are correct, they pop up so frequently that I can't get any words out to people. It hurts...and I really, really do not like this.
A theory that my brother has made, is that it's due to me taking the timed-release version of Adderall. Everyone that I know who takes Adderall takes the rapid-release version. The rapid release of the drug into the system creates a huge stimulus, which boosts whatever that person wants to do and it eventually wears off within 8-13 hours. The timed release version, which I take, can last 12-18 hours and provides a smaller stimulus over time. This version also affects my sleeping patterns, as I can get so wrapped up in whatever I am doing, that I just can't stop myself from continuing with whatever I am focused on. Additionally, since it is a stimulant, It will force my body to be awake until it runs its course. I am forced to stay awake and pay attention to something for a long period of time, shutting out all distractions (including friends) until I either pass out or the drug wears off.
While the effects are intended, they are not effects that I want to have on that end. I'm going to be talking to my doctor about options, and try to push for the rapid release version. I asked about it last time, but he was increasing my dosage from 10 mg to 15 mg, and said he didn't want to give me the rapid release. I'm assuming it is probably due to people selling that version on the street a lot more often than the timed release version. I will just have to make my case, and hopefully he will switch it up.
Additionally, another effect that I've been having is that my anger has started showing itself more. It's like I've lost a little bit of my patience, but I think it's just more that since I didn't really show my anger (I felt the emotions, I just didn't express it as much), it's making me express it a little more. This is a side effect my brother had with this, though it was when they had him on an improper dosage. It was so extreme that he could not control his anger and would snap on the most trivial of things. He didn't really remember much of those things either, though he did say he felt like something else had taken him over when that occurred. Like he was watching from above, his body acting on its own. Mine is not to that extreme, I just express my anger more when I have that emotion. On the other hand, I get over my anger quicker. I'm not sure if it's because whatever is making me angry is being resolved quicker, or if it's just by me expressing that anger, that it lets me feel like it was validated enough to just let it go. Either way, it is also something I should address with my doctor.
Anyway, that's the critical part I hope you all read. If you don't want to do anymore reading, I understand, I'm just glad you guys looked this far. The rest, while also important in some ways, can be skipped, since I just want to at least share things going on in my life outside of my mental health.
My Grandmother and Mother
As I've told you guys before, my grandmother has ovarian cancer. I haven't had a chance to share much of the extent of it in the last few months, but it has been upgraded to stage 4. They are not doing surgery because they have found some of the cancer cells in her lungs, though it was in a fluid, not actually in the lungs themselves. Either way, they cannot operate on her. They are giving her a drug that is just barely exiting testing stages. The effects from this drug are to basically kill off the cancer cells as well as weaken them enough to where the body can get rid of them. The side-effects are horrifying, however. It is possible she could die with this treatment, as it greatly weakens the immune system. I cannot even touch the drug myself, as one of the effects is it could render me sterile (I'm not joking). Anyone that handles the drug must wash their hands after touching it, as the effects are very dangerous if ingested by someone that is not prescribed the medication. It is harmful to humans, and while no longer "experimental", I'm not sure how this drug will affect my grandmother. Even with this drug, her death is a real possibility. They've also said there is no possibility for her to go into remission. The rest of her life, she will have this cancer, and this is the best hope she has to living longer. In other words, while they didn't directly say it, this cancer is terminal, because it has spread into multiple systems and surgery is not possible.
My mother is not doing well either. She went to the doctor two weeks ago, complaining about chest pains. They ran a lot of tests, and told her she was in the highest risk category for having a heart attack (obese, high blood pressure, lots of stress, diabetic, and she's had a heart murmur since she was born). There is a huge possibility she could have a heart attack at any moment. I do not know what to make of this. She's trying to sell my grandmother's house, but my grandmother is trying to prevent that because she wants more money. Luckily, my oldest brother has Power of Attorney over her, and is doing everything to get the house sold. There is so much debt, plus she hasn't paid the property taxes in over a year, so it must be sold.
This is not an easy time for my family. It hasn't been an easy time for my family in years, but it has literally gotten worse for them in the last ten years, each situation worse than the last. I literally have no idea how this keeps piling up more and more.
This stuff aside, I do have some good news below.
Vacation
My mate and I have been having a lot of arguments lately, mainly about our living situation. However, it was pressing so much on my mind that I questioned if I even wanted to be with him still. The fact that I didn't want to move in with him and his dad was one of the things that has weighed me down a lot since I got together with him. I might have mentioned this before, but his father is an alcoholic, smokes a lot (cigarettes mainly, but he also has weed) (I'm not knocking weed, btw, I'm just saying it doesn't affect me and I'm not supposed to smoke that with Adderall anyway), and he also occasionally goes for some harder drugs. He is so far obese that he can't even walk 50 feet without sitting down, completely winded. He loves his guns and thinks Trump is the best thing that ever happened to this country. He complains about more things than anyone I've ever met, and 90%+ of those things, he could prevent by doing some things just slightly differently.
Combine this with my mate not happy with his workplace, his father being a great asshole all the time, and our relationship struggles, we both took a bit of a vacation. My mate was able to use some paid leave for his, and I just asked for four days off, unpaid (I don't have vacation days) and we just spent some time trying to reconnect. We went downtown to a hotel for a night, and walked around Indianapolis the next day. By doing this, it helped me realize that I didn't really want to let go of my mate. I just really wanted us to move out of his father's trailer, so I could actually be with him without worrying about if I could even spend time with him or if his dad's codependency would force us to not even be able to talk for five minutes.
I've struggled for a long time, not knowing if I wanted to still be with my mate or not. It has been the hardest decision in my entire life to this point. It's not been a very easy thing I've been able to think about, but it's a huge decision for me. For now, I feel he is still the right one for me. I feel if he wasn't living with his father, he would probably be a lot more open to a lot of things. I think he plays game a lot because he is extremely stressed out because of his father, and if he was away from him, he'd probably do more than just play games a lot. I'm not sure if that's entirely how that will work, but I want to at least get him into an environment where he has a chance to feel less pressure and stress from his father, at least so he is happier.
This leads me into my last bit of news.
Possibly Moving
So, two dear friends of mine just got married. I've known them since college, and they are great friends. I feel like I know them really well, especially since we've talked alot and we get along really well. They are going to move from their current apartment complex to something a little bit bigger, and while they could afford it on their own, they want to pay off their debt while living there. So, they have asked if my mate and I wanted to move in with them. We talked about a lot of the things that needed to be addressed about it, and the location they were thinking about would mean that I'd have to quit my current job. However, I could get a job at a place I used to work at, and probably make more money than I'm currently making simply because I'd have full time. I could also get my old 401k back and it would just overall be a much better situation for me. They don't smoke, they rarely drink (but they aren't bad drunks), and I feel like this living situation could definitely work. Cost for the place would be around $400 per couple, and utilities would be split up each month. We'd all go grocery shopping together, to make sure everything we want would be purchased at that time.
I could make that jump immediately, when they get things sorted, I just have to ensure I can get my old job back (The only thing preventing that is if my old store manager retired). My mate will probably stay with his dad for awhile longer, since he still doesn't know if he wants to stay at his current job, or find something closer to where the place of living may be. He will have to learn to drive if he chooses to stay where he currently works (I'll also need to learn, but it will be far easier for me to learn in that living situation). All in all, I feel this will be a huge change, but a much needed one, for everyone involved.
I just have to remember that this is still in the planning phase. The final location is still being decided, and things can very easily change. Nothing is solid yet, though I do feel like the four of us could live together pretty well. I'll have a lot more details in the coming weeks, on all of these things going on. I need to communicate stuff more often...I just realized I spent over two hours typing all of this stuff up, without much interruption. I'm really sorry for all the text guys! I'll provide a Tl;Dr.
Tl;Dr:
Adderall is making me focus too much on other tasks to the point that I'm not focused on being very social online. I'm contacting my doctor to get this addressed and hopefully taken care of.
My grandmother's cancer is basically terminal and they are giving her a drug that may help delay things, but it could also kill her. My mother's health is not well either, since she is in the highest category for a heart attack.
My mate and I took a vacation, reconnected a bit with each other, and we are working towards moving out of his father's place.
Two friends that just got married are talking about my mate and I moving in with them when they get a new place. It sounds very promising, but everything is still in the planning stages.
What happened to me? I have ADHD!
Posted 8 years agoSo, I've been distant (as per usual)...and I'm starting to figure some things out finally. I haven't said much on here because I've been trying to take time to figure myself out, and I'm starting to get to that point. In fact, I've been very silent from a lot of places (except Twitter, honestly, though that's more passing thoughts). I've finally found the reasons for a lot of my issues, and I didn't think it was that bad until I had someone point these things out to me.
I get restless. I get very anxious, to the point I start thinking of things in my head that are issues, when they aren't issues at all (like with friends and the way they word things). I can't concentrate or focus on some tasks unless it's something I take a genuine interest in. I forget things as soon as I think about them sometimes (for example, going to grab things to stock and I forget what I'm grabbing as soon as I'm in the storage room).
The most extreme of these issues I have are that I get caught up in a constant cycle of thought. I try to express whatever this thought is, but I can't word it right, and I can't find a way to express it, so it stays in my mind...or worse, I do find a way to express it, but I'm still caught in the emotions of that thought, and then I can't get over it unless either something equally emotional cancels it out, or I pass out from exhaustion. Even at work, at home, around others...I get caught in a cycle of thought. "How can I help X friend?" "Am I too frustrating to be around?" "Why can't I get this jumbled mess of thought out of my head coherently?" My personal, infamous 'favorite:' "Why did I do X stupid thing to lose Y friend?"
These thoughts and actions are very real. These are also symptoms of ADHD, which, luckily for me, someone has helped me see and understand. I knew I had some form of ADHD, but I had no idea exactly what it was, or how extreme these issues had persisted within me. It explains a lot of things, actually, including why I'm not always in one place online. I tend to be very aloof and distant, but can also feel very close to others. I had no clue that this could be so extreme as to make it hard to focus on a lot of projects and whatnot.
This person pointed out quite a few of my flaws...one major one I noticed was how I tend to bring up things about myself a lot. I believe this is caused by the cycling of thoughts; Because I wasn't able to express what I was thinking and feeling in a coherent manner initially, I'd keep bringing those things up, not just to the same person, but also to multiple people. I have been consciously and subconsciously doing that less, though I think it's more out of a fear of dominating a conversation about myself and not wanting to do that at all. I'm basically trying to be self-conscious, without dragging everyone into myself, if that makes any sense.
Anyway, I've talked to my doctor, and he actually was able to make a diagnosis without sending me to anyone else (the genetic predisposition was probably what did it on that, not to mention I scored pretty high on the questionnaire I was given). So, I'm now starting with 10 mg of Adderall, to take every morning, and to see him in a month to see if anything needs changed. While I do see some significant improvements, I also feel like I do need a higher dosage, though that could change between now and then. I've only been on it for three days, which isn't long enough to fully tell how well it's working. I'm getting better at remembering things, and I've even started making lists! I never really made lists before, at least not very often, and even when i did, they weren't very complete.
I'm not catching as many details on things as I'd like to, however. I am not using the medication as this "cure-all" like I know some would. I do know it can help me very greatly, and I admit that I may have taken some at one point before getting a prescription to see if it would help (it definitely did, that's why I know this). I'm definitely much better than I have been, and while I don't have everything sorted out just yet, I am getting there. It just takes time, and I hope you all can bear with me.
Thanks for being there for me! I know I don't talk much, but I still appreciate you guys...thanks for reading ^.=.^
(Also, not going to MFF, since I don't have the money to even make an attempt on that. I really wish I could, I'd love to, it's just not something I can do with so many things changing around in my life.)
I get restless. I get very anxious, to the point I start thinking of things in my head that are issues, when they aren't issues at all (like with friends and the way they word things). I can't concentrate or focus on some tasks unless it's something I take a genuine interest in. I forget things as soon as I think about them sometimes (for example, going to grab things to stock and I forget what I'm grabbing as soon as I'm in the storage room).
The most extreme of these issues I have are that I get caught up in a constant cycle of thought. I try to express whatever this thought is, but I can't word it right, and I can't find a way to express it, so it stays in my mind...or worse, I do find a way to express it, but I'm still caught in the emotions of that thought, and then I can't get over it unless either something equally emotional cancels it out, or I pass out from exhaustion. Even at work, at home, around others...I get caught in a cycle of thought. "How can I help X friend?" "Am I too frustrating to be around?" "Why can't I get this jumbled mess of thought out of my head coherently?" My personal, infamous 'favorite:' "Why did I do X stupid thing to lose Y friend?"
These thoughts and actions are very real. These are also symptoms of ADHD, which, luckily for me, someone has helped me see and understand. I knew I had some form of ADHD, but I had no idea exactly what it was, or how extreme these issues had persisted within me. It explains a lot of things, actually, including why I'm not always in one place online. I tend to be very aloof and distant, but can also feel very close to others. I had no clue that this could be so extreme as to make it hard to focus on a lot of projects and whatnot.
This person pointed out quite a few of my flaws...one major one I noticed was how I tend to bring up things about myself a lot. I believe this is caused by the cycling of thoughts; Because I wasn't able to express what I was thinking and feeling in a coherent manner initially, I'd keep bringing those things up, not just to the same person, but also to multiple people. I have been consciously and subconsciously doing that less, though I think it's more out of a fear of dominating a conversation about myself and not wanting to do that at all. I'm basically trying to be self-conscious, without dragging everyone into myself, if that makes any sense.
Anyway, I've talked to my doctor, and he actually was able to make a diagnosis without sending me to anyone else (the genetic predisposition was probably what did it on that, not to mention I scored pretty high on the questionnaire I was given). So, I'm now starting with 10 mg of Adderall, to take every morning, and to see him in a month to see if anything needs changed. While I do see some significant improvements, I also feel like I do need a higher dosage, though that could change between now and then. I've only been on it for three days, which isn't long enough to fully tell how well it's working. I'm getting better at remembering things, and I've even started making lists! I never really made lists before, at least not very often, and even when i did, they weren't very complete.
I'm not catching as many details on things as I'd like to, however. I am not using the medication as this "cure-all" like I know some would. I do know it can help me very greatly, and I admit that I may have taken some at one point before getting a prescription to see if it would help (it definitely did, that's why I know this). I'm definitely much better than I have been, and while I don't have everything sorted out just yet, I am getting there. It just takes time, and I hope you all can bear with me.
Thanks for being there for me! I know I don't talk much, but I still appreciate you guys...thanks for reading ^.=.^
(Also, not going to MFF, since I don't have the money to even make an attempt on that. I really wish I could, I'd love to, it's just not something I can do with so many things changing around in my life.)
Signal Boost! ^.=.^
Posted 8 years agoSo, a friend of mine has been doing some awesome things with some of the material he's collected over the years! I could say more, but I'd rather you all just go look at his journal which explains it a lot better than I can!
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8374907/
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8374907/
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8374907/
Have fun! ^.=.^
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8374907/
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8374907/
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8374907/
Have fun! ^.=.^
Post-IFC 2017 Wrap-Up/Other Stuff
Posted 8 years agoFirst thing I want to say on this is that I absolutely loved the convention! I honestly didn't expect it to beat out 2012 (the only other one I went to) and it blew it out of the water! It was great, the people I met there were amazing, and I had such a wonderful time while there! It may not have been everything I was hoping for, but it is everything that I wanted. I wouldn't trade it for the world, and I'm just so very glad I got to go and make some wonderful new friends!
While I mainly got to talk to just Indiana Furs, I still tried to branch out and meet others, I just didn't get as many opportunities. Everyone has been nice to me, and I honestly didn't expect to attract so much attention randomly (seriously, that part I wasn't expecting, but I loved it greatly)! I hope the friends I have made will also stick around for years to come...I couldn't have asked for a better con! Ok, maybe on a few things, but that doesn't really matter...this is fine as is ^.=.^
I am sure that next year will be even better...I just have that feeling! And I'll make sure I can attend next year, I must...I have to :3 if only to see all your pretty little faces again ^.=.^
Also, I am kinda slowly making plans for MFF...I have NO idea if I'll be going to it, money will be a bit difficult to gather in time for that and transportation will be an issue, but I'd absolutely love to go! I want to meet so many more of my friends on here, and since that's one that I can expect to see more at, I want to try to get there! I want to run off and have fun there...whee! ^.=.^
Also, all of this has made me want to get creative again...and I want to draw again...I used to draw stuff, but I sucked so I stopped. So, now I want to start it up again...Maybe I can have some fun with it too :3
But ya...just a little bit to share ^.=.^ Hope everyone is doing well!
While I mainly got to talk to just Indiana Furs, I still tried to branch out and meet others, I just didn't get as many opportunities. Everyone has been nice to me, and I honestly didn't expect to attract so much attention randomly (seriously, that part I wasn't expecting, but I loved it greatly)! I hope the friends I have made will also stick around for years to come...I couldn't have asked for a better con! Ok, maybe on a few things, but that doesn't really matter...this is fine as is ^.=.^
I am sure that next year will be even better...I just have that feeling! And I'll make sure I can attend next year, I must...I have to :3 if only to see all your pretty little faces again ^.=.^
Also, I am kinda slowly making plans for MFF...I have NO idea if I'll be going to it, money will be a bit difficult to gather in time for that and transportation will be an issue, but I'd absolutely love to go! I want to meet so many more of my friends on here, and since that's one that I can expect to see more at, I want to try to get there! I want to run off and have fun there...whee! ^.=.^
Also, all of this has made me want to get creative again...and I want to draw again...I used to draw stuff, but I sucked so I stopped. So, now I want to start it up again...Maybe I can have some fun with it too :3
But ya...just a little bit to share ^.=.^ Hope everyone is doing well!
Grandmother/Two Days/Seven Days (Are YOU attending IFC?)
Posted 8 years agoSo, update on my grandmother. She isn't getting the surgery yet. They're postponing it because they found a lump in her lungs, so they're going to do three more months of chemotherapy. This means, they're going to see if it shrinks...if it does, they can do the surgery (most likely). If not, they'll have to do further testing. So, since there's no surgery, I'll just spend the night at my grandmother's Wednesday night and head off to the hotel at like 6 pm...I want to spend some time with them beforehand, since I haven't spent any time with my family in over a month.
Two days...Two days and I'll have a huge, huge surprise! I'll go ahead and spill the beans (or scales, in this case) to those that don't know. I'm getting my first parts of a fursuit! I'm getting the head and tail on Saturday! This is my first suit ever! I don't really count the tail I had before as part of a suit, since it was literally only a tail. But my suit is a suit...even if I don't have anything to cover my arms with...X3 But ya...I'll post pics! Also really, really can't wait for IFC! Yay ^.=.^
Speaking of, Seven days! I plan on arriving at the hotel before 8 PM (really more like 7 PM) but yeah...when I first went in 2012, it was completely unexpected for me. I didn't even know I was going until two weeks before...and every year since, there was always something that came up that made it to where I couldn't go. 2013 was when my aunt had died...2014 was me started to work again...2015 consisted of two different jobs...2016 I went to Gen Con instead because my mate wanted me to...So, here I am, in 2017, with a sponsor badge. I'll probably extend it to super sponsor, just because I really, really want to show some support (and I'm curious about the breakfast, yo!) so I'll probably grab that tomorrow.
Still working on my own schedule for events and panels and whatnot. I will also be trying to make some downtime for meeting others and to show off my new head and tail, and I'd love to meet up with anyone interested! If you're able and available, find me on Telegram, Twitter, or note me here! I'll find a way to meet up with you somehow, and I'll be posting my schedule publicly (mostly) to ensure anyone willing can hopefully get a chance! ^.=.^
Telegram (easiest way to get me): ZyraphChron
Twitter (Next easiest way to get me): ZyrChron
Notes (Anyone reading this can note me, but replies are not guaranteed! I will try though!)
IFC is a week from now! I'm so excited! ^.=.^
Two days...Two days and I'll have a huge, huge surprise! I'll go ahead and spill the beans (or scales, in this case) to those that don't know. I'm getting my first parts of a fursuit! I'm getting the head and tail on Saturday! This is my first suit ever! I don't really count the tail I had before as part of a suit, since it was literally only a tail. But my suit is a suit...even if I don't have anything to cover my arms with...X3 But ya...I'll post pics! Also really, really can't wait for IFC! Yay ^.=.^
Speaking of, Seven days! I plan on arriving at the hotel before 8 PM (really more like 7 PM) but yeah...when I first went in 2012, it was completely unexpected for me. I didn't even know I was going until two weeks before...and every year since, there was always something that came up that made it to where I couldn't go. 2013 was when my aunt had died...2014 was me started to work again...2015 consisted of two different jobs...2016 I went to Gen Con instead because my mate wanted me to...So, here I am, in 2017, with a sponsor badge. I'll probably extend it to super sponsor, just because I really, really want to show some support (and I'm curious about the breakfast, yo!) so I'll probably grab that tomorrow.
Still working on my own schedule for events and panels and whatnot. I will also be trying to make some downtime for meeting others and to show off my new head and tail, and I'd love to meet up with anyone interested! If you're able and available, find me on Telegram, Twitter, or note me here! I'll find a way to meet up with you somehow, and I'll be posting my schedule publicly (mostly) to ensure anyone willing can hopefully get a chance! ^.=.^
Telegram (easiest way to get me): ZyraphChron
Twitter (Next easiest way to get me): ZyrChron
Notes (Anyone reading this can note me, but replies are not guaranteed! I will try though!)
IFC is a week from now! I'm so excited! ^.=.^
Life Events/IFC 2017
Posted 8 years agoSo, just an update on some things. I haven't gotten my gall bladder surgery just yet because of two reasons. The first, they had an issue with my insurance for the ultrasound, so I'm waiting for that to clear. At the same time, I really don't want to make the phone call...I've just been afraid of it since it's just not an easy thing for me...it's hard to put into words.
My phone is bricked. It booploops a lot, to the point it is unusable. I've been granted a warranty exception, since it's been over a year since I've had it and I will be getting a new device in the next few days. So I'm happy about that!
My grandmother's first half of chemotherapy is done, and she'll be having surgery on August 10th, early morning. My plan is to get off early Wednesday (like 5 pm) and head to her place to spend the night, and then go with my mom and her for the surgery. I'll be there most of the day, making sure she's ok, but I'll leave there around 8 PM or so to get to the main IFC hotel. While I don't have a room for Thursday night, I will see if I can get my fursuit head and tail. They're mostly done, but I don't know if the maker will be there that night. If not, I'll just head home and get there early Friday morning.
Yes, I plan on being at IFC, I even have my Sponsor badge! If you wanna meet up, just let me know through Telegram (@ZyraphChron), Twitter (@ZyrChron) or note me on here! I always love meeting up with others!
Friday I'll be at a few events and then the evening will be a few non-listed events, but most of Saturday is free, and Sunday is completely free at this point!
Take care everyone ^.=.^
My phone is bricked. It booploops a lot, to the point it is unusable. I've been granted a warranty exception, since it's been over a year since I've had it and I will be getting a new device in the next few days. So I'm happy about that!
My grandmother's first half of chemotherapy is done, and she'll be having surgery on August 10th, early morning. My plan is to get off early Wednesday (like 5 pm) and head to her place to spend the night, and then go with my mom and her for the surgery. I'll be there most of the day, making sure she's ok, but I'll leave there around 8 PM or so to get to the main IFC hotel. While I don't have a room for Thursday night, I will see if I can get my fursuit head and tail. They're mostly done, but I don't know if the maker will be there that night. If not, I'll just head home and get there early Friday morning.
Yes, I plan on being at IFC, I even have my Sponsor badge! If you wanna meet up, just let me know through Telegram (@ZyraphChron), Twitter (@ZyrChron) or note me on here! I always love meeting up with others!
Friday I'll be at a few events and then the evening will be a few non-listed events, but most of Saturday is free, and Sunday is completely free at this point!
Take care everyone ^.=.^
Life Updates
Posted 8 years agoSo, I figured I should update you guys on some current things.
Firstly, my grandmother. She's getting better physically, but mentally she's getting confused on quite a few things. I'm not sure if it's the chemotherapy or just stress, but I do know it's just not that easy for her to remember things she's said or done. I think It's mainly stress, especially since she's been trying to sell her home for over a year and nobody has shown too much interest.
As far as me, I'm ok. I will be getting a surgery soon, my gallbladder needs to be taken out as I have "numerous" gall stones in it and they really wanted to remove it last year. I waited on it since I wasn't feeling any pain and I was about to move in with my mate and his dad, so I just wanted to get myself situated on that end first. I'm not sure when the surgery will happen, but probably in the next couple weeks or so. They just want to get an ultrasound first to confirm things, and then I'll be set.
I've been running around with a lot of local furs lately, and that's helped me with my overall mood and such. I've met quite a few locals that are very nice, and I'm very glad I'm feeling more connected in that. I'm still trying to get to know more of them, and I really didn't realize there were this many locals around. I can think of more than 20, half of them I talk to at least somewhat regularly on Telegram. It's really awesome to see that Indianapolis is actually a hotspot for furs ^.=.^
As for work, it's just work. I'd rather find a better job, and I think after my surgery I'll probably start looking into that. While the place I'm working at is nice, and I love my coworkers, I just really want to get more things off the ground. I want to work in the field of expertise I went to college for, and I just didn't really think of working at a food place at 27 being part of that. It's time to really work on computers, professionally, not just as a hobby. Though I am learning a lot of stuff from keeping it as a hobby.
After my surgery, I also plan on changing my diet quite a bit. I'll just need to make sure everything I talk to the doctor with will hopefully make me healthier. Not to mention I intend to start exercising a bit. I really need to...I'm tired of feeling like I'll just collapse at any moment. But I can't really start that until I get my gall bladder taken out, so...yeah.
There's my update. Hope everyone is doing well! ^.=.^
Firstly, my grandmother. She's getting better physically, but mentally she's getting confused on quite a few things. I'm not sure if it's the chemotherapy or just stress, but I do know it's just not that easy for her to remember things she's said or done. I think It's mainly stress, especially since she's been trying to sell her home for over a year and nobody has shown too much interest.
As far as me, I'm ok. I will be getting a surgery soon, my gallbladder needs to be taken out as I have "numerous" gall stones in it and they really wanted to remove it last year. I waited on it since I wasn't feeling any pain and I was about to move in with my mate and his dad, so I just wanted to get myself situated on that end first. I'm not sure when the surgery will happen, but probably in the next couple weeks or so. They just want to get an ultrasound first to confirm things, and then I'll be set.
I've been running around with a lot of local furs lately, and that's helped me with my overall mood and such. I've met quite a few locals that are very nice, and I'm very glad I'm feeling more connected in that. I'm still trying to get to know more of them, and I really didn't realize there were this many locals around. I can think of more than 20, half of them I talk to at least somewhat regularly on Telegram. It's really awesome to see that Indianapolis is actually a hotspot for furs ^.=.^
As for work, it's just work. I'd rather find a better job, and I think after my surgery I'll probably start looking into that. While the place I'm working at is nice, and I love my coworkers, I just really want to get more things off the ground. I want to work in the field of expertise I went to college for, and I just didn't really think of working at a food place at 27 being part of that. It's time to really work on computers, professionally, not just as a hobby. Though I am learning a lot of stuff from keeping it as a hobby.
After my surgery, I also plan on changing my diet quite a bit. I'll just need to make sure everything I talk to the doctor with will hopefully make me healthier. Not to mention I intend to start exercising a bit. I really need to...I'm tired of feeling like I'll just collapse at any moment. But I can't really start that until I get my gall bladder taken out, so...yeah.
There's my update. Hope everyone is doing well! ^.=.^
Grandmother is Not Well
Posted 8 years agoSo, I've been a bit silent on here, and the main reason for that is because my grandmother has been in the hospital. It all started when she went in for a doctor's appointment like a month or so ago, and they found out she had less than half the blood most people are supposed to have, so they gave her a blood transfusion. She was also due for a colonoscopy, which came back fine, but things still were not right since they didn't know where she lost so much blood.
In the last two weeks, she's been diagnosed with diastolic congestive heart failure, and she has swollen feet, they put her on a saline drip yesterday (her blood sodium was low), and they've detected what is extremely likely to be ovarian cancer (stage 3). I'll be hearing that diagnosis today, but they are extremely sure that is what it is because they said it matches extremely well with the patterns for it.
I've had a lot on my mind, dealing with all of this. This comes a few years after my aunt died from brain cancer, so this has not been fun. I'm actually holding up better than most of my family about this news, surprisingly. My mom is hysterical, my brothers are not able to really handle it at all, and my grandmother...let's just say she's definitely a fighter, but she's almost 80, so I'm not sure how well she'll be able to handle things.
Additionally, we've been trying to sell her home, which has almost 12 acres of land attached to it. Some people were interested, but not many want to take on that much land, plus my grandmother doesn't know how to make a "reasonable offer" so my mom has been trying to get her to lower it. On top of that, we need to get rid of the house because the property taxes are too high for someone who only gets social security checks.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do...I don't know how my family will work through this...but I do hope we can figure something out because I'm already worried about the money for medication (her insurance won't cover it because she never got that part in the first place) so...I really have no clue.
Thanks for bearing with me...I had to let this out somehow, I had intended to write this journal sooner but I couldn't bring myself to do so.
In the last two weeks, she's been diagnosed with diastolic congestive heart failure, and she has swollen feet, they put her on a saline drip yesterday (her blood sodium was low), and they've detected what is extremely likely to be ovarian cancer (stage 3). I'll be hearing that diagnosis today, but they are extremely sure that is what it is because they said it matches extremely well with the patterns for it.
I've had a lot on my mind, dealing with all of this. This comes a few years after my aunt died from brain cancer, so this has not been fun. I'm actually holding up better than most of my family about this news, surprisingly. My mom is hysterical, my brothers are not able to really handle it at all, and my grandmother...let's just say she's definitely a fighter, but she's almost 80, so I'm not sure how well she'll be able to handle things.
Additionally, we've been trying to sell her home, which has almost 12 acres of land attached to it. Some people were interested, but not many want to take on that much land, plus my grandmother doesn't know how to make a "reasonable offer" so my mom has been trying to get her to lower it. On top of that, we need to get rid of the house because the property taxes are too high for someone who only gets social security checks.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do...I don't know how my family will work through this...but I do hope we can figure something out because I'm already worried about the money for medication (her insurance won't cover it because she never got that part in the first place) so...I really have no clue.
Thanks for bearing with me...I had to let this out somehow, I had intended to write this journal sooner but I couldn't bring myself to do so.
Friend in Need
Posted 8 years agoSo, a friend of mine, 
vgm22 is in need of some help. If anyone can, check out his journal over here: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8174072/
Thanks!
vgm22 is in need of some help. If anyone can, check out his journal over here: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8174072/Thanks!
Virtualizing My Computer
Posted 8 years agoUPDATE: Arch is installed on the computer. It has been configured quite a bit and can even display different colors of my keyboard like Windows, though it's a lot different!
Windows 10 runs in a virtual machine, though some games do not render correctly. I'm attempting to see if it's a flaw with the Windows install or if it's just through a rendering issue with Virtualbox. Or it could even be the way the graphics were installed in Arch, I'm not sure yet. Troubleshooting is needed :3
End update--
So, I'm doing something kinda weird for my computer. Well, not entirely weird, I just think it would be cool. I'm going to install Arch Linux as my main operating system and then create virtual machines for whatever I want. My main idea is to have a virtual configuration for gaming, and that way I can just do stuff with that. I also want to open my own computer business at some point, and I don't know when that will happen, but it would be nice to have a virtual operating system for that as well.
Exact specs of my computer are these:
CPU
Intel Core i7 2600K @ 3.40GHz
Sandy Bridge 32nm Technology
RAM
16.0GB Dual-Channel DDR3 @ 933MHz (8-10-10-29)
Motherboard
ASUSTeK Computer INC. P8Z68 DELUXE/GEN3 (LGA1155)
Graphics
Intel HD Graphics 3000 (ASUStek Computer Inc)
2047MB NVIDIA GeForce GTX 750 Ti (EVGA)
Monitors:
Vizio M190VA (1360x768@60Hz)
Acer E202H (1600x900@60Hz)
Storage (Internal)
111GB OCZ-ARC100 (SSD)
232GB Western Digital WDC WD2500AAKS-00VSA0 (SATA)
1397GB Western Digital WDC WD15EARS-00MVWB0 (SATA)
Storage (External)
1862GB Western Digital WD My Book 1230 USB Device (USB (SATA))
931GB Western Digital WD My Passport 0820 USB Device (USB (SATA))
Optical Drives
ASUS DRW-24B1ST
So yeah...I'm actually really happy with my setup, I just want to make things a bit more modular...
Because, Tl;Dr: I'm weird. ;3
Windows 10 runs in a virtual machine, though some games do not render correctly. I'm attempting to see if it's a flaw with the Windows install or if it's just through a rendering issue with Virtualbox. Or it could even be the way the graphics were installed in Arch, I'm not sure yet. Troubleshooting is needed :3
End update--
So, I'm doing something kinda weird for my computer. Well, not entirely weird, I just think it would be cool. I'm going to install Arch Linux as my main operating system and then create virtual machines for whatever I want. My main idea is to have a virtual configuration for gaming, and that way I can just do stuff with that. I also want to open my own computer business at some point, and I don't know when that will happen, but it would be nice to have a virtual operating system for that as well.
Exact specs of my computer are these:
CPU
Intel Core i7 2600K @ 3.40GHz
Sandy Bridge 32nm Technology
RAM
16.0GB Dual-Channel DDR3 @ 933MHz (8-10-10-29)
Motherboard
ASUSTeK Computer INC. P8Z68 DELUXE/GEN3 (LGA1155)
Graphics
Intel HD Graphics 3000 (ASUStek Computer Inc)
2047MB NVIDIA GeForce GTX 750 Ti (EVGA)
Monitors:
Vizio M190VA (1360x768@60Hz)
Acer E202H (1600x900@60Hz)
Storage (Internal)
111GB OCZ-ARC100 (SSD)
232GB Western Digital WDC WD2500AAKS-00VSA0 (SATA)
1397GB Western Digital WDC WD15EARS-00MVWB0 (SATA)
Storage (External)
1862GB Western Digital WD My Book 1230 USB Device (USB (SATA))
931GB Western Digital WD My Passport 0820 USB Device (USB (SATA))
Optical Drives
ASUS DRW-24B1ST
So yeah...I'm actually really happy with my setup, I just want to make things a bit more modular...
Because, Tl;Dr: I'm weird. ;3
Who does great, cheap partials?
Posted 8 years agoAs I'm asking, I'm looking for someone who can do a good partial fursuit for cheap. I won't actually be commissioning anything until I get my reference done, but I do plan on getting one soon, especially if I can get it before IFC 2017 ^.=.^
If anyone has recommendations, feel free to let me know on this journal. I can't wait to bring Zyraph to life ^.=.~
If anyone has recommendations, feel free to let me know on this journal. I can't wait to bring Zyraph to life ^.=.~
So, What Happened? (Everything that has happened until now)
Posted 8 years agoTo some people who might want to know what all has happened in my life, I'll do my best to make some notes of it here. As I know some of this may be a bit unsettling, please be assured that this is all in the past and my current living situation is in a much better state. I figure by putting things here, in case some people ask, I can at least point you all to this journal so that I don't have to spend a few minutes per individual to write it up each time.
Please note, I'm actually starting from when I started at college to now, to put things in perspective, as I know a lot of you did not know me for most of that time. This will make it easier for anyone to identify with the circumstances, those that have known me for very long will know some of this, but even new friends can look at this to understand some things about me and my past.
Disclaimer: To some who may hold deep feelings for the past, please know that it is exactly that: the past. I am not telling any of this stuff to bring up the past or hurt feelings or whatnot. Additionally, this is not an excuse for any of my behavior or for those around me either. I will not note any names in any of this for any reason, as this is in the past and I am not here to start anything. This is simply the logic behind what I have done so that others may hopefully understand. This is more of a documentation of what happened in the past to get me to this point in my life. After this journal, I will no longer make mention of my past outside of it. Though I may have some of the emotions from my past on occasion, even I have to admit that it is just past experiences and should not have any bearing on the present. Things change, people change, and my emotions must change with it all. I don't expect everyone to understand everything I put here, but I do hope this can at least explain the reasons why I have done things. If you have any questions, you may ask publicly or privately, and I will answer to the best of my ability.
June 2008: Joined the fandom.
August 2008: Started college
August 31st, 2008: Identified myself as Otherkin, while talking to a few people and meditating a lot. This was after a lot of self-introspection and asking a lot of questions, both to supporters and skeptics.
September-October 2008: Studying, drawing, writing, talking to a lot of people. I kept getting a lot of new friends, and I started taking more time to just talk to them while in college.
November 2008-January 2009: I started getting burnt out. Meditation helped, but I started getting involved (and involving myself) in drama. It didn't help that my mate at the time was involving me in a lot of it as well. We eventually broke up over something stupid, and more stress kept hitting me. I started being more silent but still kept talking a bit to a few people. I tried concentrating on classes more. This was also the point that "Raiok," an alternate personality, popped up. (Raiok wasn't completely detrimental, and was still technically part of me, but he was still identified as separate).
February 2009-May 2009: My first "hiatus." I tried taking some time away from the stress to involve myself in classes. It wasn't easy, but I did some things right. Some people were still talking to me through deviantArt, I still created some things here and there.
June 2009-October 2009: I started talking to a lot of people. A lot more than before. Raiok also started shining behind the scenes, most people actually perfectly fine with that side of me. My biggest thing was that I didn't want anyone to suffer through pain, so I'd do my best to support them, even to the point of offering advice when it wasn't completely requested. I wanted to help a lot of people, and I didn't know my limits. This would be my biggest issue for the next few years.
November 2009-May 2010: Lots of things happened. Classes started getting tougher, circumstances changed, and while I wanted to devote my entire attention to my friends, it was severely impacting my classes, and I was failing some of them. It was dangerous, because I was failing and I didn't even care. I had a couple real life friends around me as well, was even dating one of them during this time, but things didn't work out. There was a lot on my mind and no amount of talking would really help. So I tried resolving them myself, but because I was pulling my attention away from my friends, a lot were not happy about it. I can't say that I blame them, since I tended to disappear for long periods of time, but it was my reasoning. Besides, during the summer I could talk to them.
June-August 2010: This is where things crash. I can't remember much from this time because I repressed so much of it, but I do remember a lot of drama going on. I was actually visiting the doctor because I was getting an ulcer from the stress, and even after I left there, I was getting back on my laptop because I cared about my friends more. I would go to a couple of real life friends' places and just sit on my laptop to talk to them. I'd sit outside of my house, where I could get free internet that took a LOT of just trying to get signal in the right spot to pick up, and just chat outside, laptop plugged into an extension cord. The connection was so bad that if I could join a Skype call, I was lucky...but I did it. And this is where the stress was so much I went dark entirely. I disappeared from everyone. I couldn't handle it anymore and my physical body was also telling me to stop, so...I did.
September 2010-May 2011: I was trying to recover from a lot of things. I was shattering mentally, so I was trying to find any stimulation I could. I found some people to talk to in person. Some would play Magic: The Gathering with me, others would just play Minecraft. I even binge-watched all of Naruto and Naruto: Shippuden, for what was released. When I completed that, I read the manga for it. I had a lot of self-reflection during this time. I was healing, but it was more repressing things than anything. My grades were still slipping. My college issued an ultimatum: Pass all the classes I was put in, or be suspended for a semester. I passed three classes. I had one class I withdrew from. As a result, with my future uncertain, I went with a friend to a different college, with a GPA barely over 1.0.
June 2011-May 2012: That summer, I can't even remember anything from. I remember working for my grandmother, but nothing else. College really sucked at a new school. My student loans didn't even pay for everything, so my grandmother gave me money for my textbooks. I didn't know what I was doing or why I even went. I made a few friends, but I spent a lot of time through Spirit Science and its community, and took a lot of things to heart. I'd do more juggling of friends and Spirit Science than I did of actual classes. It became so bad that I only remember attending one class just so I wouldn't get kicked out entirely. I still failed that class (Japanese, by the way) but overall I just felt college was the biggest waste of my time and money, and it didn't help that my family pushed me to go in the first place.
June 2012-October 2012: I was mainly helping my family at this time. Working with the family business, not sure exactly what I was doing but still trying to make sure everything was working. Also cutting the grass. After all, I had a phone to pay for (Sprint) and a huge bill from them. I even got a chance to go to IFC 2012, though I think I kinda got in as a fluke. A friend I recently got at that time took me there and I spent all of Saturday and Sunday there. It was the most fun I'd ever had in my life! Then things really started going for the worst. We weren't getting much business, and the kind we did wasn't paying for much. My aunt was also really injured from things. Then she got robbed and in that moment, I knew something was wrong with her. I didn't know what it was, but it deeply frightened me. We went to a Home Depot to replace part of a window on her house, and as we are waiting for assistance, I looked at her and she seemed like she was lost in the world. I mean, lost. Gone. Uncomprehending of anything. I was so terrified I told my mother what I thought.
November 2012: People at the hospital my aunt worked for started noticing something was wrong with her. Deeply wrong. She had an MRI done and they found a tumor in her brain. They conducted surgery and found out she had grade 4 brain cancer. She had to undergo chemotherapy and other stuff for it. It hurt bad. She also needed therapy after the surgery.
December 2012-March 2013: During this time, I would go with my mother to see my aunt. Sometimes it was to the rehab center, other times it was a nursing home. One time I went to a doctor's appointment with them. I lost my phone too, since I couldn't keep paying for it. After November, my grandmother closed the business because she couldn't think about that and my aunt's cancer. The worst part is, I didn't really have much of a way to cope except someone who tried to distract me from it all with hanging out and stuff like that. That, and I would go back to texting a few people and talk on Google+. Then I left here and things went really dark between myself and others.
April-May 2013: I got in contact with a very old friend of mine, who was soon to be my mate. I didn't know at the time, but he had been regretting losing contact with me and even went so far as to say he wanted to be in a relationship with me but he thought his chance was already gone. So, we got back in contact again and from there, things started coming together. He's been amazing, but we also had something else to bond over: his grandmother also had cancer. So, while I would try to support my aunt during her time of need, I'd also visit with my mate and go with him and his dad to see his grandmother. While this wasn't an easy time, we both grew so much closer together than ever before.
June 1st, 2013: My aunt died from a combination of mistreatment from the nursing home we had her stay at before we moved her back to the one we knew was good, and from an ingredient in the chemo drugs (shellfish, which nobody ever disclosed to us). It was a huge blow to my family, and I was the only one strong enough to help out at that time. My mate helped comfort me during this time, of course soon I'd be comforting him.
July 1st, 2013: My mate's grandmother died from dementia and a lack of nutrition. I attended my aunt's funeral, and then I attended his grandmother's with him.
August 2013-June 2014: A lot of things happened during this time. Firstly, I started helping out cleaning my aunt's old house. She had a lot of things, especially because there was a lot of stuff from my great-grandmother there as well (my great-grandmother owned the house before my aunt did). This took a very long time. During this time, I'd also go to my mate's place and stay on occasion. One time, I stayed almost two full months because my mother really annoyed me, but his father kept getting drunk a lot and eventually pissed me off until I finally had my mother come and get me. This was really not an easy time, and I don't remember many of the details. I do remember visiting my mate a lot though, even supporting him when he lost his job at Walmart because he didn't have any transportation (and his dad was too lazy to get out of bed in the morning to drive him to work). He got a job at a restaurant, and has been content over there since. I tried working on things for extremely little money (Mechanical Turk) and while I was making a little money, it was really not worth it. I did that while my family went away to Florida, and I got stuck with the cat at home. So I'd let my mate come over. That was fun.
July 2014: Things at my house starting getting tight. We were running out of money and my grandmother wasn't able to do much to help either. We renegotiated some things and my mom got a new phone plan and we got internet access as well. I just had to find a job, which I worked on for awhile. Finally got an interview for a gas station, and they accepted me right on.
August 2014-September 2015: Things went fine for about a year or so. I was making money, able to pay for a lot of things, and I even started learning about how to manage my money. If anyone is curious about that, just look up Mr. Money Mustache or You Need a Budget. Both have been wonderful resources! That aside, I still had a huge income problem. I wasn't making crap for money ($7.85 starting per hour, eventually getting to $8.60 per hour due to payscale adjustment). It wasn't very fun. Plus our house payment went up to over $1k per month! I wasn't making that kind of money at all, so I just decided it would probably be best if I moved in with my mate. But then, I got an offer in September to stay at the store and get full time with benefits. So, I did what anyone in my position would do. I stayed.
October 2015-June 2016: I was making $8.95 an hour, working around 38 hours a week, doing something that I really liked doing. The customers sucked a bit, but that didn't matter because my boss actually valued me. I was her favorite employee, always dependable, reliable, did my work no matter what was asked, even if I'd ask quite a few questions on some things sometimes. And sometimes I was so quiet when I went to talk to her that she'd get startled when I said anything (a few times she was even like "Stop that!" because I did it so often without trying). But, like all good things, I knew it was about to end. My mom couldn't afford the place, my credit wasn't good enough to help her refinance the mortgage, and in the end we had to file paperwork to temporarily reduce how much we paid on the house. Which worked, because we were now paying less than $300 for the house each month. However we finally agreed we had to sell it. So, in lieu of the impending move out, I moved out prematurely, and into my mate's place with his dad (and his dad's girlfriend, though she has a house of her own).
July 2016-October 2016: I transferred my job from the store I loved to a store that had a higher turnover rate than a typical gas station. I was miserable, the boss there sucked because he was only putting on a show for higher management, and I put in my application for the same restaurant my mate worked at. The manager at this store just really didn't seem to care, and even he moved to a different store. I don't know why I put up with that place for so long. Probably out of loyalty for my old store manager. Also, they screwed me out of a lot of my hours, which took away my benefits.
November 2016-now: I slowly started situating myself into just working at the restaurant. I started at a healthy $10 per hour and while I don't have insurance or anything, I've been working on getting that through the state. i actually see about the same amount of money that I would've from working both jobs, since my payscale has caught up with the amount of hours worked. I'm so much happier at this place than I have been anywhere else, though I would like to find a way to use the knowledge I have of computers to actually get into that career area. I even hope to open my own business, but I'm not sure how easily I can do that when I don't have the transportation or anyone that can help me with the legalese. I'm starting to create a decent nest egg as well, now that my mate and I are able to pool our money together. His dad gets disability (permanently, since he can't really walk much), though I'm afraid eventually his dad won't be able to live for too much longer. His dad has been having issues with his liver and his hernias, though one was removed and he is recovering from surgery pretty successfully. So in reality, I'm trying to save a nest egg for the possibility where he is no longer living. But I'm able to build that up enough that I can get a few things in the meantime.
So, there we are. My current situation. I'm starting to get back out of my shell, and I'm actually feeling a lot better for it. I know it's a lot to read, so if you've made it this far, thank you for that! ^.=.^ I will probably not bring up anything about my past again explicitly, unless it applies to a situation now. But yeah...just thought I'd share this with you all.
Now I'm looking forward to the future with all my friends, both old and new! ^.=.^ and if you're an old friend, or were at some point, maybe we can start fresh? I may hold a lot of emotions from that time, but I plan on letting go of the pain from it all and actually get back to what is important: being around when I am able. So, there ya go :3
Please note, I'm actually starting from when I started at college to now, to put things in perspective, as I know a lot of you did not know me for most of that time. This will make it easier for anyone to identify with the circumstances, those that have known me for very long will know some of this, but even new friends can look at this to understand some things about me and my past.
Disclaimer: To some who may hold deep feelings for the past, please know that it is exactly that: the past. I am not telling any of this stuff to bring up the past or hurt feelings or whatnot. Additionally, this is not an excuse for any of my behavior or for those around me either. I will not note any names in any of this for any reason, as this is in the past and I am not here to start anything. This is simply the logic behind what I have done so that others may hopefully understand. This is more of a documentation of what happened in the past to get me to this point in my life. After this journal, I will no longer make mention of my past outside of it. Though I may have some of the emotions from my past on occasion, even I have to admit that it is just past experiences and should not have any bearing on the present. Things change, people change, and my emotions must change with it all. I don't expect everyone to understand everything I put here, but I do hope this can at least explain the reasons why I have done things. If you have any questions, you may ask publicly or privately, and I will answer to the best of my ability.
June 2008: Joined the fandom.
August 2008: Started college
August 31st, 2008: Identified myself as Otherkin, while talking to a few people and meditating a lot. This was after a lot of self-introspection and asking a lot of questions, both to supporters and skeptics.
September-October 2008: Studying, drawing, writing, talking to a lot of people. I kept getting a lot of new friends, and I started taking more time to just talk to them while in college.
November 2008-January 2009: I started getting burnt out. Meditation helped, but I started getting involved (and involving myself) in drama. It didn't help that my mate at the time was involving me in a lot of it as well. We eventually broke up over something stupid, and more stress kept hitting me. I started being more silent but still kept talking a bit to a few people. I tried concentrating on classes more. This was also the point that "Raiok," an alternate personality, popped up. (Raiok wasn't completely detrimental, and was still technically part of me, but he was still identified as separate).
February 2009-May 2009: My first "hiatus." I tried taking some time away from the stress to involve myself in classes. It wasn't easy, but I did some things right. Some people were still talking to me through deviantArt, I still created some things here and there.
June 2009-October 2009: I started talking to a lot of people. A lot more than before. Raiok also started shining behind the scenes, most people actually perfectly fine with that side of me. My biggest thing was that I didn't want anyone to suffer through pain, so I'd do my best to support them, even to the point of offering advice when it wasn't completely requested. I wanted to help a lot of people, and I didn't know my limits. This would be my biggest issue for the next few years.
November 2009-May 2010: Lots of things happened. Classes started getting tougher, circumstances changed, and while I wanted to devote my entire attention to my friends, it was severely impacting my classes, and I was failing some of them. It was dangerous, because I was failing and I didn't even care. I had a couple real life friends around me as well, was even dating one of them during this time, but things didn't work out. There was a lot on my mind and no amount of talking would really help. So I tried resolving them myself, but because I was pulling my attention away from my friends, a lot were not happy about it. I can't say that I blame them, since I tended to disappear for long periods of time, but it was my reasoning. Besides, during the summer I could talk to them.
June-August 2010: This is where things crash. I can't remember much from this time because I repressed so much of it, but I do remember a lot of drama going on. I was actually visiting the doctor because I was getting an ulcer from the stress, and even after I left there, I was getting back on my laptop because I cared about my friends more. I would go to a couple of real life friends' places and just sit on my laptop to talk to them. I'd sit outside of my house, where I could get free internet that took a LOT of just trying to get signal in the right spot to pick up, and just chat outside, laptop plugged into an extension cord. The connection was so bad that if I could join a Skype call, I was lucky...but I did it. And this is where the stress was so much I went dark entirely. I disappeared from everyone. I couldn't handle it anymore and my physical body was also telling me to stop, so...I did.
September 2010-May 2011: I was trying to recover from a lot of things. I was shattering mentally, so I was trying to find any stimulation I could. I found some people to talk to in person. Some would play Magic: The Gathering with me, others would just play Minecraft. I even binge-watched all of Naruto and Naruto: Shippuden, for what was released. When I completed that, I read the manga for it. I had a lot of self-reflection during this time. I was healing, but it was more repressing things than anything. My grades were still slipping. My college issued an ultimatum: Pass all the classes I was put in, or be suspended for a semester. I passed three classes. I had one class I withdrew from. As a result, with my future uncertain, I went with a friend to a different college, with a GPA barely over 1.0.
June 2011-May 2012: That summer, I can't even remember anything from. I remember working for my grandmother, but nothing else. College really sucked at a new school. My student loans didn't even pay for everything, so my grandmother gave me money for my textbooks. I didn't know what I was doing or why I even went. I made a few friends, but I spent a lot of time through Spirit Science and its community, and took a lot of things to heart. I'd do more juggling of friends and Spirit Science than I did of actual classes. It became so bad that I only remember attending one class just so I wouldn't get kicked out entirely. I still failed that class (Japanese, by the way) but overall I just felt college was the biggest waste of my time and money, and it didn't help that my family pushed me to go in the first place.
June 2012-October 2012: I was mainly helping my family at this time. Working with the family business, not sure exactly what I was doing but still trying to make sure everything was working. Also cutting the grass. After all, I had a phone to pay for (Sprint) and a huge bill from them. I even got a chance to go to IFC 2012, though I think I kinda got in as a fluke. A friend I recently got at that time took me there and I spent all of Saturday and Sunday there. It was the most fun I'd ever had in my life! Then things really started going for the worst. We weren't getting much business, and the kind we did wasn't paying for much. My aunt was also really injured from things. Then she got robbed and in that moment, I knew something was wrong with her. I didn't know what it was, but it deeply frightened me. We went to a Home Depot to replace part of a window on her house, and as we are waiting for assistance, I looked at her and she seemed like she was lost in the world. I mean, lost. Gone. Uncomprehending of anything. I was so terrified I told my mother what I thought.
November 2012: People at the hospital my aunt worked for started noticing something was wrong with her. Deeply wrong. She had an MRI done and they found a tumor in her brain. They conducted surgery and found out she had grade 4 brain cancer. She had to undergo chemotherapy and other stuff for it. It hurt bad. She also needed therapy after the surgery.
December 2012-March 2013: During this time, I would go with my mother to see my aunt. Sometimes it was to the rehab center, other times it was a nursing home. One time I went to a doctor's appointment with them. I lost my phone too, since I couldn't keep paying for it. After November, my grandmother closed the business because she couldn't think about that and my aunt's cancer. The worst part is, I didn't really have much of a way to cope except someone who tried to distract me from it all with hanging out and stuff like that. That, and I would go back to texting a few people and talk on Google+. Then I left here and things went really dark between myself and others.
April-May 2013: I got in contact with a very old friend of mine, who was soon to be my mate. I didn't know at the time, but he had been regretting losing contact with me and even went so far as to say he wanted to be in a relationship with me but he thought his chance was already gone. So, we got back in contact again and from there, things started coming together. He's been amazing, but we also had something else to bond over: his grandmother also had cancer. So, while I would try to support my aunt during her time of need, I'd also visit with my mate and go with him and his dad to see his grandmother. While this wasn't an easy time, we both grew so much closer together than ever before.
June 1st, 2013: My aunt died from a combination of mistreatment from the nursing home we had her stay at before we moved her back to the one we knew was good, and from an ingredient in the chemo drugs (shellfish, which nobody ever disclosed to us). It was a huge blow to my family, and I was the only one strong enough to help out at that time. My mate helped comfort me during this time, of course soon I'd be comforting him.
July 1st, 2013: My mate's grandmother died from dementia and a lack of nutrition. I attended my aunt's funeral, and then I attended his grandmother's with him.
August 2013-June 2014: A lot of things happened during this time. Firstly, I started helping out cleaning my aunt's old house. She had a lot of things, especially because there was a lot of stuff from my great-grandmother there as well (my great-grandmother owned the house before my aunt did). This took a very long time. During this time, I'd also go to my mate's place and stay on occasion. One time, I stayed almost two full months because my mother really annoyed me, but his father kept getting drunk a lot and eventually pissed me off until I finally had my mother come and get me. This was really not an easy time, and I don't remember many of the details. I do remember visiting my mate a lot though, even supporting him when he lost his job at Walmart because he didn't have any transportation (and his dad was too lazy to get out of bed in the morning to drive him to work). He got a job at a restaurant, and has been content over there since. I tried working on things for extremely little money (Mechanical Turk) and while I was making a little money, it was really not worth it. I did that while my family went away to Florida, and I got stuck with the cat at home. So I'd let my mate come over. That was fun.
July 2014: Things at my house starting getting tight. We were running out of money and my grandmother wasn't able to do much to help either. We renegotiated some things and my mom got a new phone plan and we got internet access as well. I just had to find a job, which I worked on for awhile. Finally got an interview for a gas station, and they accepted me right on.
August 2014-September 2015: Things went fine for about a year or so. I was making money, able to pay for a lot of things, and I even started learning about how to manage my money. If anyone is curious about that, just look up Mr. Money Mustache or You Need a Budget. Both have been wonderful resources! That aside, I still had a huge income problem. I wasn't making crap for money ($7.85 starting per hour, eventually getting to $8.60 per hour due to payscale adjustment). It wasn't very fun. Plus our house payment went up to over $1k per month! I wasn't making that kind of money at all, so I just decided it would probably be best if I moved in with my mate. But then, I got an offer in September to stay at the store and get full time with benefits. So, I did what anyone in my position would do. I stayed.
October 2015-June 2016: I was making $8.95 an hour, working around 38 hours a week, doing something that I really liked doing. The customers sucked a bit, but that didn't matter because my boss actually valued me. I was her favorite employee, always dependable, reliable, did my work no matter what was asked, even if I'd ask quite a few questions on some things sometimes. And sometimes I was so quiet when I went to talk to her that she'd get startled when I said anything (a few times she was even like "Stop that!" because I did it so often without trying). But, like all good things, I knew it was about to end. My mom couldn't afford the place, my credit wasn't good enough to help her refinance the mortgage, and in the end we had to file paperwork to temporarily reduce how much we paid on the house. Which worked, because we were now paying less than $300 for the house each month. However we finally agreed we had to sell it. So, in lieu of the impending move out, I moved out prematurely, and into my mate's place with his dad (and his dad's girlfriend, though she has a house of her own).
July 2016-October 2016: I transferred my job from the store I loved to a store that had a higher turnover rate than a typical gas station. I was miserable, the boss there sucked because he was only putting on a show for higher management, and I put in my application for the same restaurant my mate worked at. The manager at this store just really didn't seem to care, and even he moved to a different store. I don't know why I put up with that place for so long. Probably out of loyalty for my old store manager. Also, they screwed me out of a lot of my hours, which took away my benefits.
November 2016-now: I slowly started situating myself into just working at the restaurant. I started at a healthy $10 per hour and while I don't have insurance or anything, I've been working on getting that through the state. i actually see about the same amount of money that I would've from working both jobs, since my payscale has caught up with the amount of hours worked. I'm so much happier at this place than I have been anywhere else, though I would like to find a way to use the knowledge I have of computers to actually get into that career area. I even hope to open my own business, but I'm not sure how easily I can do that when I don't have the transportation or anyone that can help me with the legalese. I'm starting to create a decent nest egg as well, now that my mate and I are able to pool our money together. His dad gets disability (permanently, since he can't really walk much), though I'm afraid eventually his dad won't be able to live for too much longer. His dad has been having issues with his liver and his hernias, though one was removed and he is recovering from surgery pretty successfully. So in reality, I'm trying to save a nest egg for the possibility where he is no longer living. But I'm able to build that up enough that I can get a few things in the meantime.
So, there we are. My current situation. I'm starting to get back out of my shell, and I'm actually feeling a lot better for it. I know it's a lot to read, so if you've made it this far, thank you for that! ^.=.^ I will probably not bring up anything about my past again explicitly, unless it applies to a situation now. But yeah...just thought I'd share this with you all.
Now I'm looking forward to the future with all my friends, both old and new! ^.=.^ and if you're an old friend, or were at some point, maybe we can start fresh? I may hold a lot of emotions from that time, but I plan on letting go of the pain from it all and actually get back to what is important: being around when I am able. So, there ya go :3
I am Back!!!
Posted 8 years agoHello everyone...you probably didn't expect me to be back on here, and honestly I didn't think I would either. I've had a lot happen to me since the last time I was here. Some good and some bad...but that is the past.
I want to start over. How I was back in the day, while it was authentic at the time, was also a bit unhealthy. I had a horrible obsession with trying to make everyone happy. I've had to learn my limits on that, and I definitely have. I am sorry for my absence, though my absence was well-defined. I know there were so many people that were looking forward to just knowing I was at least alive. I'm sorry for worrying any of you during that time...and no matter if you want to get back in touch or not, I will cherish those I have talked to, both old faces and new. I just want to finally show you all that I am finally able to get over the anxiety of my past. I'm not perfectly healed from that time, I still have some reservations about things, but I am doing better than I have in a long time.
I'm glad to be in a position to actually talk to people again. I'm grateful to those who have stuck with me even now. If you haven't stuck with me, I can understand why...I wasn't in the best place, back in the day. It's literally been over four years since that time. I still cannot believe it myself...but here I am. I am wiser, stronger, and better than I have been. I have learned so much in being distant from the fandom. This time is what I truly needed to at least put things into perspective for myself. I know many people cared about me and that my distance hurt them. I cannot apologize enough for that...but that is the past. I can only change things by being myself and controlling things that are within my control. This is in my control...so, I am here.
With that, I will simply ask for anyone who sees me to feel free to poke me through Telegram, since that's the "in" thing and I have it and OMG it's so awesome! Also, if you can't do that, I'll try to read notes whenever possible!
So with this, I'm starting over...hopefully :3 Thanks everyone and I can't wait to dive right back into the fandom!
I want to start over. How I was back in the day, while it was authentic at the time, was also a bit unhealthy. I had a horrible obsession with trying to make everyone happy. I've had to learn my limits on that, and I definitely have. I am sorry for my absence, though my absence was well-defined. I know there were so many people that were looking forward to just knowing I was at least alive. I'm sorry for worrying any of you during that time...and no matter if you want to get back in touch or not, I will cherish those I have talked to, both old faces and new. I just want to finally show you all that I am finally able to get over the anxiety of my past. I'm not perfectly healed from that time, I still have some reservations about things, but I am doing better than I have in a long time.
I'm glad to be in a position to actually talk to people again. I'm grateful to those who have stuck with me even now. If you haven't stuck with me, I can understand why...I wasn't in the best place, back in the day. It's literally been over four years since that time. I still cannot believe it myself...but here I am. I am wiser, stronger, and better than I have been. I have learned so much in being distant from the fandom. This time is what I truly needed to at least put things into perspective for myself. I know many people cared about me and that my distance hurt them. I cannot apologize enough for that...but that is the past. I can only change things by being myself and controlling things that are within my control. This is in my control...so, I am here.
With that, I will simply ask for anyone who sees me to feel free to poke me through Telegram, since that's the "in" thing and I have it and OMG it's so awesome! Also, if you can't do that, I'll try to read notes whenever possible!
So with this, I'm starting over...hopefully :3 Thanks everyone and I can't wait to dive right back into the fandom!
LEAVING FA (And here's why)
Posted 12 years agoYes...I'm sorry to everyone for this, but I believe it's official. I must take my leave from this place. I know some will say that I'm trying to get attention, or some other random excuse, but I assure you, I don't plan on coming back. I have a LOT of reasons for this, and I could go into extreme detail with all of them, but instead I'll just make a summary on the few points I feel are worth sharing.
1. The administration. I've heard a lot of horrible things about the site administration, and it's disgusting. This place is not a good place to be. The majority of people I've met here have been wonderful, but I've heard too many horror stories, and while I've not had any personal problems with any administrator, I cannot remain on a site that is so willing to toss someone's safety or well-being aside, simply because "it doesn't involve anyone on staff."
2. I don't come on here much anyway. I'm more active in places like Google+ or Twitter. Hell, I even paid $20 just to get on Weasyl early, as I saw its potential before its creation (I was trying to create something similar, actually, but I lacked funding and any technical skills to fully accomplish it). As such, considering how much better Weasyl is compared to here, it makes much more sense to go there, instead of waiting for site updates that still haven't addressed an SQL injection problem that has existed before I even became a furry.
3. A few people, I've witnessed, are so far out of touch with what my vision of them once was, that it's alarming. I'm not naming names on this, so don't even ask if it's you. If you are serious about self-improvement, find it on your own. I've offered my hand to others, and I've done my best with all that I have. If you refuse to see what your flaws are, then there is no point in me trying to help. If you want to change yourself for the better, then do something about it instead of insulting others just because you're unhappy. Change yourself instead of sitting there, bitching and whining because someone else has something you no longer have. If you give a damn about any respect from anyone, then maybe you can save yourself before your own vision is destroyed.
4. This place is so dead to me, I can't even enjoy anything on here without seeing pain. Why should I subject myself to the complaints of others, about how horrible they have it, when I'm already going through my own pain? I've learned a lot in the 4+ years I've been a fur. It has taught me many things, and one lesson that has finally sunk in, is that I shouldn't be online just to vent, and only vent. I shouldn't talk to people just because I want to escape from my hell of a life. I should talk to people in order to truly understand them and have fun with them. I need to deal with my issues on my own. Yes, friends can help be a shoulder to cry on, or a strong hug in my moment of pain and misery, but they aren't there just for me to feel better. They're there to have fun as well. And if I can't have fun with my friends, then my friends won't want to have fun with me, because there won't be any fun.
5. I no longer see any value in clinging to this place. Yes...not one redeeming quality. None. Yes, I have friends here, and I love the friends I have here...but let's be realistic...I don't even come here that often...and even then, I don't get to see much of those I talk to when I am around. I thought this place was nice, and that I could build up a nice set of friends. And I did...but there's too much negativity here anymore. I've probably distanced myself, and I'll admit as such...I just had a lot of other things I needed to focus on. But even at that, I can't handle much negativity. This place is filled with it, to the point I can't handle being here any longer. I need to let go of the things that don't help me heal. I need to let go of the things that do not serve me at all. My friends do serve me, they love me and care about me...but this site is replaceable...and my friends can follow me somewhere else, if they so choose.
With that, I feel there are only a few things I can do now. To anyone wishing to stay in touch, I have a few places and means for which we can. I have Google+ and Twitter, like I said above. My Google+ profile is located at https://plus.google.com/u/0/117834359216544657341 while my Twitter profile is at http://twitter.com/ashanriu
Weasyl: https://www.weasyl.com/profile/ashanriu
SoFurry: http://ashanriu.sofurry.com/
Email: raiok(at)ashanriuwriting*dot*com
If none of these options are available to you, then I really don't know what to tell you. I'm not going to use an IM client, as I get busy and can't always talk right when someone expects me to. Besides, posts in different places are easier for me to reply to. I do have a phone, and I can use it to text, but I'm not always comfortable in just handing that out unless I know someone that well.
I'm sorry that it has come to this. I figured it would happen in a matter of time, but I do wish things could've been solved more easily. It's honestly a shame that it couldn't. I'll miss all of you, especially the ones that can't contact me in any other way. I really wish I could do more to show I care...but as it stands, circumstances have changed...I need to look towards the future, and bettering myself...hanging onto things that aren't going to help me, are just going to cause more harm to me in the long run. I hope you all understand...and if you don't, then I'm sorry...but I will be okay...I've made it this far with everyone that cares about me...I love everyone...I've been hurt and in pain a lot...but I've made it this far...my friends have guided me...and I've let some people down along the way, but I'm still doing what I can to be kind...I've done what I can here...this is the end of the line for me, on this site...I hope at least some of you will follow me somewhere else.
Until our paths cross again...
--Sammonaran/Raiok/Ashanriu/Wasdramer
1. The administration. I've heard a lot of horrible things about the site administration, and it's disgusting. This place is not a good place to be. The majority of people I've met here have been wonderful, but I've heard too many horror stories, and while I've not had any personal problems with any administrator, I cannot remain on a site that is so willing to toss someone's safety or well-being aside, simply because "it doesn't involve anyone on staff."
2. I don't come on here much anyway. I'm more active in places like Google+ or Twitter. Hell, I even paid $20 just to get on Weasyl early, as I saw its potential before its creation (I was trying to create something similar, actually, but I lacked funding and any technical skills to fully accomplish it). As such, considering how much better Weasyl is compared to here, it makes much more sense to go there, instead of waiting for site updates that still haven't addressed an SQL injection problem that has existed before I even became a furry.
3. A few people, I've witnessed, are so far out of touch with what my vision of them once was, that it's alarming. I'm not naming names on this, so don't even ask if it's you. If you are serious about self-improvement, find it on your own. I've offered my hand to others, and I've done my best with all that I have. If you refuse to see what your flaws are, then there is no point in me trying to help. If you want to change yourself for the better, then do something about it instead of insulting others just because you're unhappy. Change yourself instead of sitting there, bitching and whining because someone else has something you no longer have. If you give a damn about any respect from anyone, then maybe you can save yourself before your own vision is destroyed.
4. This place is so dead to me, I can't even enjoy anything on here without seeing pain. Why should I subject myself to the complaints of others, about how horrible they have it, when I'm already going through my own pain? I've learned a lot in the 4+ years I've been a fur. It has taught me many things, and one lesson that has finally sunk in, is that I shouldn't be online just to vent, and only vent. I shouldn't talk to people just because I want to escape from my hell of a life. I should talk to people in order to truly understand them and have fun with them. I need to deal with my issues on my own. Yes, friends can help be a shoulder to cry on, or a strong hug in my moment of pain and misery, but they aren't there just for me to feel better. They're there to have fun as well. And if I can't have fun with my friends, then my friends won't want to have fun with me, because there won't be any fun.
5. I no longer see any value in clinging to this place. Yes...not one redeeming quality. None. Yes, I have friends here, and I love the friends I have here...but let's be realistic...I don't even come here that often...and even then, I don't get to see much of those I talk to when I am around. I thought this place was nice, and that I could build up a nice set of friends. And I did...but there's too much negativity here anymore. I've probably distanced myself, and I'll admit as such...I just had a lot of other things I needed to focus on. But even at that, I can't handle much negativity. This place is filled with it, to the point I can't handle being here any longer. I need to let go of the things that don't help me heal. I need to let go of the things that do not serve me at all. My friends do serve me, they love me and care about me...but this site is replaceable...and my friends can follow me somewhere else, if they so choose.
With that, I feel there are only a few things I can do now. To anyone wishing to stay in touch, I have a few places and means for which we can. I have Google+ and Twitter, like I said above. My Google+ profile is located at https://plus.google.com/u/0/117834359216544657341 while my Twitter profile is at http://twitter.com/ashanriu
Weasyl: https://www.weasyl.com/profile/ashanriu
SoFurry: http://ashanriu.sofurry.com/
Email: raiok(at)ashanriuwriting*dot*com
If none of these options are available to you, then I really don't know what to tell you. I'm not going to use an IM client, as I get busy and can't always talk right when someone expects me to. Besides, posts in different places are easier for me to reply to. I do have a phone, and I can use it to text, but I'm not always comfortable in just handing that out unless I know someone that well.
I'm sorry that it has come to this. I figured it would happen in a matter of time, but I do wish things could've been solved more easily. It's honestly a shame that it couldn't. I'll miss all of you, especially the ones that can't contact me in any other way. I really wish I could do more to show I care...but as it stands, circumstances have changed...I need to look towards the future, and bettering myself...hanging onto things that aren't going to help me, are just going to cause more harm to me in the long run. I hope you all understand...and if you don't, then I'm sorry...but I will be okay...I've made it this far with everyone that cares about me...I love everyone...I've been hurt and in pain a lot...but I've made it this far...my friends have guided me...and I've let some people down along the way, but I'm still doing what I can to be kind...I've done what I can here...this is the end of the line for me, on this site...I hope at least some of you will follow me somewhere else.
Until our paths cross again...
--Sammonaran/Raiok/Ashanriu/Wasdramer
Updates...because I haven't talked much @.=.@
Posted 13 years agoTo everyone that has been worried about me, I apologise. There has been a lot of things going on in my life, to the extent that I haven't been able to figure much out. I never intended to make anyone worry, but there's only so much I can do right now.
I am completely unemployed currently, and I have no money to pay my phone bill. I'm trying to find a way to get a phone outside of the contract and just ignore the contract entirely, because they're wanting me to keep paying an outrageous sum of money each month, and I'm tired of it. I don't have $150 each month, and quite honestly, the things I don't have, are like this because so many things just took hits I never expected.
About my aunt...she has stage 4 brain cancer. It's worrying me sick, and I don't know what is going to happen with her...I try to go to her at least once a week, and usually it's a few times a week, but I can't stand the nursing home she's in. They don't do much at all, and they keep giving her food she's allergic to. She doesn't eat it, and she demands they bring her food she can actually eat. They also don't give her the pain medicine for hours at a time...I wish I could do something, but they all do that because they know all the families there can't do a thing about it, because they don't have any money. It's so frustrating...
My grandmother is closing the business permanently. I have to find another job, which is rough because it's tricky trying to find something I'll enjoy so I'll actually show up to it. Most I can think of is a library, so I'll try to apply to that, but it probably won't pay much.
I have to help with my family as far as money...I don't have much, and even with a job, I won't be able to pay for much of anything...but I have to try...I can only hope I can help my mom...she needs it...
I guess that's all I really have to say...this is actually shorter than most journals..I suppose it's because I'm so fearful that I can't think...X.=.x
I am completely unemployed currently, and I have no money to pay my phone bill. I'm trying to find a way to get a phone outside of the contract and just ignore the contract entirely, because they're wanting me to keep paying an outrageous sum of money each month, and I'm tired of it. I don't have $150 each month, and quite honestly, the things I don't have, are like this because so many things just took hits I never expected.
About my aunt...she has stage 4 brain cancer. It's worrying me sick, and I don't know what is going to happen with her...I try to go to her at least once a week, and usually it's a few times a week, but I can't stand the nursing home she's in. They don't do much at all, and they keep giving her food she's allergic to. She doesn't eat it, and she demands they bring her food she can actually eat. They also don't give her the pain medicine for hours at a time...I wish I could do something, but they all do that because they know all the families there can't do a thing about it, because they don't have any money. It's so frustrating...
My grandmother is closing the business permanently. I have to find another job, which is rough because it's tricky trying to find something I'll enjoy so I'll actually show up to it. Most I can think of is a library, so I'll try to apply to that, but it probably won't pay much.
I have to help with my family as far as money...I don't have much, and even with a job, I won't be able to pay for much of anything...but I have to try...I can only hope I can help my mom...she needs it...
I guess that's all I really have to say...this is actually shorter than most journals..I suppose it's because I'm so fearful that I can't think...X.=.x
Free Dragon and Sergal Sketches!
Posted 13 years agoLess Important Journal
Posted 13 years agoJust giving a heads-up, I'm going to be making a lot of faves in order to catch up on my inbox. I'll admit, I'm not filtering through them, I'm actually running a script to fave things. I know some people will think this is rather impersonal of me, but here's how I see it:
1. I don't have time to look through everything and then fave on top of it. I have almost 3,000 submissions sitting in my inbox, and every time I try to get close to faving them all, I have to go do something else and put everything off on faving, sometimes for weeks.
2. I can easily look at everything when I have no internet because it's all saved as soon as I fave it, literally. It's so automated, it saves and then faves, and if it doesn't save, there's no fave on it, so you'll know if I have something saved on my laptop the moment it's faved.
3. I admit, when it comes to the art, I just like looking randomly. I'm just going to look may a few times, but after that, I usually don't check anymore. I prefer to talk to people based on personalities, not just the art they upload. That's just how I am.
For anything other than drawings (like music or writings), I'll try to look through all of those, but I can't guarantee it due to time. But I'll do what I can.
Please don't take it the wrong way...I just want to be able to check on art at times other than when I have internet. I can't get it at home except by my phone, and even then, I can't tether to my laptop for some reason, and I don't know why. I hope you guys don't see me poorly on this...heh...
1. I don't have time to look through everything and then fave on top of it. I have almost 3,000 submissions sitting in my inbox, and every time I try to get close to faving them all, I have to go do something else and put everything off on faving, sometimes for weeks.
2. I can easily look at everything when I have no internet because it's all saved as soon as I fave it, literally. It's so automated, it saves and then faves, and if it doesn't save, there's no fave on it, so you'll know if I have something saved on my laptop the moment it's faved.
3. I admit, when it comes to the art, I just like looking randomly. I'm just going to look may a few times, but after that, I usually don't check anymore. I prefer to talk to people based on personalities, not just the art they upload. That's just how I am.
For anything other than drawings (like music or writings), I'll try to look through all of those, but I can't guarantee it due to time. But I'll do what I can.
Please don't take it the wrong way...I just want to be able to check on art at times other than when I have internet. I can't get it at home except by my phone, and even then, I can't tether to my laptop for some reason, and I don't know why. I hope you guys don't see me poorly on this...heh...
This is actually important (My aunt has cancer)
Posted 13 years agoIt's confirmed...they did the biopsy and my aunt in fact has cancer. I learned this yesterday...and it's an aggressive form of cancer. It's not terminal, from my understanding, but they have to be extremely vigilant to ensure it doesn't keep spreading.
To anyone that has commented on my previous journals, I'm very sorry I haven't responded to anything. To those that have watched me that are new, I'm even more sorry that you have to see me like this. I'm usually more optimistic than this, and usually try to help others...but right now, I'm in dire need of help. This scares me...it terrifies me greatly...and I need a lot of support on this...I probably won't talk much at all, then again I haven't talked much on here anyway. I haven't responded to anything outside of a note for more than a month...and I'm very sorry about that...I'm just very lost right now...
I've been taking control of my grandmother's business for the time being. I've had to ensure the phones are answered and the men actually do everything to keep working until we close for the season, if not permanently (which is becoming the reality now). This means, I'm not going to have a job. I know I'm not going to be able to handle much of a job in the workforce. This means, I'm going to have to actually get myself on track for things.
Starting now, until the end of November, I will be taking orders on poems. I'll charge $1 per poem, unlimited number of slots. You must pre-pay for these, so I don't have to worry about payment after the fact. You pick the subject, and I'll write it. My short story commissions are on hold for now, because those need a lot more time in working on. I notice that I'm much better with poems, so I can probably get them out in a day or two, depending on my time.
I have all my information on my site, at http://ashanriuwriting.com so just go there and have a look. My poem samples are in my FA gallery, so just click on that tab and check.
The reason I'm doing this is because I really need funds now. My student loans are kicking in, my Parent PLUS loan is already forcing me to pay money, and they want over $500 by December 6th. I don't have that kind of money, and that's in addition to my Sprint bill. What I'll probably end up doing is getting out of my Sprint contract (which will take a lot of money alone) and deferring the PLUS loan and my other student loans, since I don't have a job at all come the end of November (unless through some shear miracle we're still working).
I don't know what else to do...I'm sorry I'm not really active here, I'm much more active through texting or Google+...I've just had so much on my mind, and not enough time to process everything. This has been the worst year, not for me, but for my entire family...I'm struggling to make it just with them, so any amount helps...if you're willing to help, then please do so...I'll do my best to provide what I can. I have to do something right now...this is all I know how to do...
I love you all...I'm sorry that I have to sound so depressing so often on here, I don't mean to...I appreciate everyone on here...I just have it really rough...Thanks to those who have read this, it means a lot to me...
To anyone that has commented on my previous journals, I'm very sorry I haven't responded to anything. To those that have watched me that are new, I'm even more sorry that you have to see me like this. I'm usually more optimistic than this, and usually try to help others...but right now, I'm in dire need of help. This scares me...it terrifies me greatly...and I need a lot of support on this...I probably won't talk much at all, then again I haven't talked much on here anyway. I haven't responded to anything outside of a note for more than a month...and I'm very sorry about that...I'm just very lost right now...
I've been taking control of my grandmother's business for the time being. I've had to ensure the phones are answered and the men actually do everything to keep working until we close for the season, if not permanently (which is becoming the reality now). This means, I'm not going to have a job. I know I'm not going to be able to handle much of a job in the workforce. This means, I'm going to have to actually get myself on track for things.
Starting now, until the end of November, I will be taking orders on poems. I'll charge $1 per poem, unlimited number of slots. You must pre-pay for these, so I don't have to worry about payment after the fact. You pick the subject, and I'll write it. My short story commissions are on hold for now, because those need a lot more time in working on. I notice that I'm much better with poems, so I can probably get them out in a day or two, depending on my time.
I have all my information on my site, at http://ashanriuwriting.com so just go there and have a look. My poem samples are in my FA gallery, so just click on that tab and check.
The reason I'm doing this is because I really need funds now. My student loans are kicking in, my Parent PLUS loan is already forcing me to pay money, and they want over $500 by December 6th. I don't have that kind of money, and that's in addition to my Sprint bill. What I'll probably end up doing is getting out of my Sprint contract (which will take a lot of money alone) and deferring the PLUS loan and my other student loans, since I don't have a job at all come the end of November (unless through some shear miracle we're still working).
I don't know what else to do...I'm sorry I'm not really active here, I'm much more active through texting or Google+...I've just had so much on my mind, and not enough time to process everything. This has been the worst year, not for me, but for my entire family...I'm struggling to make it just with them, so any amount helps...if you're willing to help, then please do so...I'll do my best to provide what I can. I have to do something right now...this is all I know how to do...
I love you all...I'm sorry that I have to sound so depressing so often on here, I don't mean to...I appreciate everyone on here...I just have it really rough...Thanks to those who have read this, it means a lot to me...
MY AUNT IS HAVING DANGEROUS SURGERY...
Posted 13 years agoMaybe that title will actually catch someone's attention...but it's the truth. This is extremely important. I have to tell you all something, and it scares me. It hurts more than anything else has yet...
My aunt has to have surgery on Tuesday. She has a large mass in her brain, and it could possibly be cancer. She already has skin cancer, so it's not that far out of the question. Even if they remove the mass, it's possible it could render her unable to properly do thing or say things. It's also possible this surgery could kill her, or make her have a stroke.
In addition, she was robbed a week ago, she got in a car wreck last week and her car isn't in working condition, and she's not been herself at all.
Combine this with her staying at my grandmother's (and has been anyway because she broke her shoulder months ago and is still recovering), and my grandmother is stressed because we're literally one check away from shutting down the business every single week, she's facing multiple possible lawsuits because she can barely make payroll, yet alone pay for the materials she has to use...and then my mom can barely get money from work, and she has a $700 house payment, $80 for groceries every week, $300 for utilities, and then who knows what else...and I can't make shit for money because the only reason why I was getting hours one week was because I was working on a site, but since we could be closing permanently, we abandoned it.
My life is hell...entirely...all of this, is completely outside of my control. There are two things within my control that I have to worry about:
phone bill
student loans
Student loans don't start until January, so I have a little time. My phone bill is due on the 26th, and I believe I'll have enough, but with everything just falling to pieces anymore, it's scary...I was going to do commissions, just to take my mind off of things...ever since I started one, I have not been able to finish it. At all. Too many things have literally interfered and made it impossible to finish it, for this long. I don't know what I'm going to do with it, at this point...I just feel stressed, and I can't write when stressed, because it's not possible to concentrate...
Oh well...call it a vent journal if you want, or "drama," even though this is stuff that I literally can't do anything about...I'm not expecting a comment...I'm not even expecting anyone to read this...I don't care if anyone does, but I just need to post this, if only to get the previous journal off my page...I know, lately I've been depressing and borderline destructive..but...this is my life...and my life is literally ripping itself apart...in thousands of pieces...
My aunt has to have surgery on Tuesday. She has a large mass in her brain, and it could possibly be cancer. She already has skin cancer, so it's not that far out of the question. Even if they remove the mass, it's possible it could render her unable to properly do thing or say things. It's also possible this surgery could kill her, or make her have a stroke.
In addition, she was robbed a week ago, she got in a car wreck last week and her car isn't in working condition, and she's not been herself at all.
Combine this with her staying at my grandmother's (and has been anyway because she broke her shoulder months ago and is still recovering), and my grandmother is stressed because we're literally one check away from shutting down the business every single week, she's facing multiple possible lawsuits because she can barely make payroll, yet alone pay for the materials she has to use...and then my mom can barely get money from work, and she has a $700 house payment, $80 for groceries every week, $300 for utilities, and then who knows what else...and I can't make shit for money because the only reason why I was getting hours one week was because I was working on a site, but since we could be closing permanently, we abandoned it.
My life is hell...entirely...all of this, is completely outside of my control. There are two things within my control that I have to worry about:
phone bill
student loans
Student loans don't start until January, so I have a little time. My phone bill is due on the 26th, and I believe I'll have enough, but with everything just falling to pieces anymore, it's scary...I was going to do commissions, just to take my mind off of things...ever since I started one, I have not been able to finish it. At all. Too many things have literally interfered and made it impossible to finish it, for this long. I don't know what I'm going to do with it, at this point...I just feel stressed, and I can't write when stressed, because it's not possible to concentrate...
Oh well...call it a vent journal if you want, or "drama," even though this is stuff that I literally can't do anything about...I'm not expecting a comment...I'm not even expecting anyone to read this...I don't care if anyone does, but I just need to post this, if only to get the previous journal off my page...I know, lately I've been depressing and borderline destructive..but...this is my life...and my life is literally ripping itself apart...in thousands of pieces...
You have no right...
Posted 13 years agoThe person knows who they are to spark such a response from me... And no, this isn't one person its aimed at, it's a few... And I'm in a lot of pain.
Hon... I don't know the situation... It's not really my business.... Yes, I do care about you guys... All of you... But dragging me into something like this, is manipulation... I don't want to fight or argue... And to involve anyone in a feud that doesn't involve me or others except you guys, is not a friend... That really is manipulation... I should know.. Did you forget what I told you, two months ago?
[Raiok]
I have been caught in a manipulation ring... And someone hurt a lot of my friends... And destroyed lives, just because he felt he should be like Karma... And what you have involved me in... Is making me shake so violently, I can barely text... I'm losing my job... My income... My life... And you send me this... And destroy the one happy day I had this entire week... No, not destroyed... Shattered... I can't take back what I saw...
[Raiok]
... I'm going to be blunt.. Which is something I rarely do... I won't be able to sleep.. Because you guys sparked my fear from two years ago, of losing everyone and everything I cared about. I was coping with everything else... Until you felt the need to drag me into this. I am sure that if I wasn't shaking in so much fear and anxiety, I would be livid... But you damaged me... I don't care who the fuck started this... But if you guys can't be friends, you've all disproven yourselves as kind and considerate, especially if you feel the need to manipulate others into causing a flame war... I'm appalled... And outraged... It will be a long time before I can consider working up the courage to just speak my mind... But right now, I have to deal with my shaking and chest pains. I hope you're happy... All of you. If you so much as give a damn about me, or others that may be upset about all of this, you will either make amends or sever ties entirely... Because I will not be a victim again... I'm done with shit like this... I will not be involved in drama and manipulation just to cause harm to anyone... It's disgusting... And there is no worse crime, to me.
[Raiok]
If you can't tell, those are text messages. Yes, this person sent it right to my phone... So much hatred and pain, because of something I was not involved in. I am so damaged... I need time... All because of fucking drama... I have a life of my own, and I'm already in a lot of pain, and this shit has to be said. Do you not care about who you hurt? You've lost a LOT of my respect, and I don't think I'll be talking to you again... If this is why you care, you put a horrible face to what Athus stands for... I'm not naming a name, I don't have to or desire to... But you, a manipulator, are a disgrace... And to think I idolized you... It'll be a long time before I want to hear of who you are... To so much as know you exist... You did this to yourself... You reap what you sow...
I'm not going to be here much at all... Not that I have been anyway, but this is exactly why I don't like FA... There are some good furs out there.. But when someone reminds me of so much pain, I had stomach ulcers and anxiety attacks at the time... It's disgusting...
I'm staying away from here... Either get a Google+ account to keep in contact, or... Oh wait, I'm at risk of losing my phone too... Thanks, life!
Please excuse me while I try to relax.. Oh wait...
Hon... I don't know the situation... It's not really my business.... Yes, I do care about you guys... All of you... But dragging me into something like this, is manipulation... I don't want to fight or argue... And to involve anyone in a feud that doesn't involve me or others except you guys, is not a friend... That really is manipulation... I should know.. Did you forget what I told you, two months ago?
[Raiok]
I have been caught in a manipulation ring... And someone hurt a lot of my friends... And destroyed lives, just because he felt he should be like Karma... And what you have involved me in... Is making me shake so violently, I can barely text... I'm losing my job... My income... My life... And you send me this... And destroy the one happy day I had this entire week... No, not destroyed... Shattered... I can't take back what I saw...
[Raiok]
... I'm going to be blunt.. Which is something I rarely do... I won't be able to sleep.. Because you guys sparked my fear from two years ago, of losing everyone and everything I cared about. I was coping with everything else... Until you felt the need to drag me into this. I am sure that if I wasn't shaking in so much fear and anxiety, I would be livid... But you damaged me... I don't care who the fuck started this... But if you guys can't be friends, you've all disproven yourselves as kind and considerate, especially if you feel the need to manipulate others into causing a flame war... I'm appalled... And outraged... It will be a long time before I can consider working up the courage to just speak my mind... But right now, I have to deal with my shaking and chest pains. I hope you're happy... All of you. If you so much as give a damn about me, or others that may be upset about all of this, you will either make amends or sever ties entirely... Because I will not be a victim again... I'm done with shit like this... I will not be involved in drama and manipulation just to cause harm to anyone... It's disgusting... And there is no worse crime, to me.
[Raiok]
If you can't tell, those are text messages. Yes, this person sent it right to my phone... So much hatred and pain, because of something I was not involved in. I am so damaged... I need time... All because of fucking drama... I have a life of my own, and I'm already in a lot of pain, and this shit has to be said. Do you not care about who you hurt? You've lost a LOT of my respect, and I don't think I'll be talking to you again... If this is why you care, you put a horrible face to what Athus stands for... I'm not naming a name, I don't have to or desire to... But you, a manipulator, are a disgrace... And to think I idolized you... It'll be a long time before I want to hear of who you are... To so much as know you exist... You did this to yourself... You reap what you sow...
I'm not going to be here much at all... Not that I have been anyway, but this is exactly why I don't like FA... There are some good furs out there.. But when someone reminds me of so much pain, I had stomach ulcers and anxiety attacks at the time... It's disgusting...
I'm staying away from here... Either get a Google+ account to keep in contact, or... Oh wait, I'm at risk of losing my phone too... Thanks, life!
Please excuse me while I try to relax.. Oh wait...
Oops...got so busy, this took an inactivity hit!
Posted 13 years agoWell then...after so very, very much that went on, I'm so sorry for not checking this. I've just been so busy...many things happened, even hit a bit of a depression (I'm better, for the most part) but I just kinda got a bit distracted.
To put things in perspective, I've been working when I can, and I've been a little more active in working on a site that is for commissions, among other things. The site is just about complete, you can check it at http://ashanriuwriting.com but keep in mind I still have some final touches to add before it's truly complete. Features include a way of keeping track of what I'm working on at any given time, commission information (I had to revise some things, but I think I can run with the information as-is for awhile now) and I'll be uploading all commissions I make onto that site, and hopefully it will work just fine :3
So, second thing. I'm going to admit something, which has been hurting me a bit...but, Cithan and I aren't together anymore. It's ok though, I still love him, and he still loves me...but, it did hurt. It still stings a little...but I'm pulling through. I suppose part of my absence from things was partially due to that, though I can't say that was the whole thing. I've needed to step back and look at things spiritually, and had told those that had commissioned me (two people) that I had postponed their commissions indefinitely so I could regain myself emotionally. I'm not quite sure if I should start back up just yet, but I'm working on stabilizing myself before I try. Quite a few things got me down, so I'm trying to work past as much as I can. I'm doing a lot better than a couple weeks ago, that's for sure, so no need to worry too much about it.
And now...to those that sent me birthday wishes last weekend, thank you so very much! You guys are great! I actually got quite a few birthday wishes from many people on Google+, and when I started trying to count, I realized it was over 30 birthday wishes! It was amazing, since that week had been very rough on me, so when I started seeing that much love and kindness, it made me truly happy! So, thanks so much, all of you!
As far as messages, notes, etc...I'll try to answer them all, but if it just seems like it's a response that isn't that important (like a sentence or something that doesn't seem to require a response), I'll probably look for another that needs one. I have 39 comments...and I'm sorry, I have to nuke journals (over 700, I can't look through all of those). I'll try to look at the latest journal of those I can, but keep in mind if I miss something, I'm sorry..just got too many things to get this in order again. It's sad what even two weeks absence can do, heh.
I love you guys...thanks for being so kind to me, I love what all you've done for me, I've just been pretty busy lately. I'll try to be more active, but I'll also have to figure out when to start on my commissions again. Those do need to be done...^.=.^;;
To put things in perspective, I've been working when I can, and I've been a little more active in working on a site that is for commissions, among other things. The site is just about complete, you can check it at http://ashanriuwriting.com but keep in mind I still have some final touches to add before it's truly complete. Features include a way of keeping track of what I'm working on at any given time, commission information (I had to revise some things, but I think I can run with the information as-is for awhile now) and I'll be uploading all commissions I make onto that site, and hopefully it will work just fine :3
So, second thing. I'm going to admit something, which has been hurting me a bit...but, Cithan and I aren't together anymore. It's ok though, I still love him, and he still loves me...but, it did hurt. It still stings a little...but I'm pulling through. I suppose part of my absence from things was partially due to that, though I can't say that was the whole thing. I've needed to step back and look at things spiritually, and had told those that had commissioned me (two people) that I had postponed their commissions indefinitely so I could regain myself emotionally. I'm not quite sure if I should start back up just yet, but I'm working on stabilizing myself before I try. Quite a few things got me down, so I'm trying to work past as much as I can. I'm doing a lot better than a couple weeks ago, that's for sure, so no need to worry too much about it.
And now...to those that sent me birthday wishes last weekend, thank you so very much! You guys are great! I actually got quite a few birthday wishes from many people on Google+, and when I started trying to count, I realized it was over 30 birthday wishes! It was amazing, since that week had been very rough on me, so when I started seeing that much love and kindness, it made me truly happy! So, thanks so much, all of you!
As far as messages, notes, etc...I'll try to answer them all, but if it just seems like it's a response that isn't that important (like a sentence or something that doesn't seem to require a response), I'll probably look for another that needs one. I have 39 comments...and I'm sorry, I have to nuke journals (over 700, I can't look through all of those). I'll try to look at the latest journal of those I can, but keep in mind if I miss something, I'm sorry..just got too many things to get this in order again. It's sad what even two weeks absence can do, heh.
I love you guys...thanks for being so kind to me, I love what all you've done for me, I've just been pretty busy lately. I'll try to be more active, but I'll also have to figure out when to start on my commissions again. Those do need to be done...^.=.^;;
