This account will now be inactive except in the rare instances I feel silly and want to fave something twice X3

If you wish to contact me on FA, please see  I-Am-Otter

For those of you who read my last journal, ya might know I left for a few days to go and take my brother down to our place of birth so he can go to college. I'm back now and only my sister didn't cry when we left (she did say she felt guilty she didn't cry so she's not heartless X3). Wrote quite a bit on my way back home so I'll have some new things to post. This brings me to my news though.

I will no longer be posting on this account! I've done some thinking lately and something hasn't felt right with my writing. I felt like I'd lost touch with the old writer in me. Talked with a few people about it and I've felt the need to reinvent myself a bit. So very soon I will be moving to a new account and letting this one fall inactive. I'll try to watch most of the folks I did with this one but if I forget you please let me know on my new account.

For the curious my new account is  I-Am-Otter It will include some of my old stuff from here that I will be reposting and my new stories will be going up there as soon as I finish a little memoir of mine. It'll also have a new design to my otterself and a picture to go along with it! Hope to see you all on that new account soon! =D *hugs to all*

Brother is going to college and family has invited me along for the ride so I can say a proper goodbye to him. Will be leaving this morning and be gone till the first. Taking my computer but don't know how much internet access I'll have. Take care guys!

Heheh, I'm flattered I'm getting more attention on this site but I'm feeling curious after four new watches in one week... why do you watch me? Those who've watched me for much longer feel free to answer too. I'd like to know! =3

Watch teh epicness esplode! O_O

Heya guys! So, just wanted to give everyone an update on why I haven't been doing much lately. First thing that's been a distraction of late has been my cough. Couple weeks ago I found out it was Whooping cough! Took some antibiotics for it and while it isn't gone yet I've been having fewer fits. On the plus side... at least now I can relate to my asthmatic sister.

Second thing has been the fact I finally moved out of my parent's house again! I'm living with my old roommate again and his boyfriend and I'm currently trying to settle in. Once I've done so I've every intention of trying to write stories again. Will need a few things to happen first though.

A) Gotta at least get all my furniture situated.
B) Need to buy me some padding dangit! I'm all out and I'm in a place I can cub out again!
C) Get a trashcan in my room that can seal up the used padding. Doubt my roommies (understanding though they may be) will want me to toss them in the garbage cans downstairs.
D) Fully recover from my whooping cough.

Once I've managed all of that and a few other things there are a few stories I need to get done.
1. Still owe  toddlergirl for bailing me out on my credit card payment the one time so GOT to finish the story I promised her. Especially since she's decided to stay. I remember I hit a snag in the story but I think I've an idea of what to do next.
2. Promised  legandaryhon a few stories actually. Need to talk to him about if I can leave some unfinished or not and just what stories I owe him anyway.
3. Pretty sure I promised  rattatalord and  juan_the_buizel a story.
4. Then I can get started on some of my old works again!

EDIT: Also need to help clean up the place a little bit and learn how to say no to RPs sometimes. Hard to concentrate on writing a story for somebody when they want to RP with ya at the same time X3 On the flipside there are some folks I need to talk to MORE than I have been lately XD

Heya everyone! Just letting ya all know what's up with this otter lately. Not much has been happening but a few important things have been. I am just days away from moving out of my parent's house for starters. I will be moving back in with my old roommate and his boyfriend as they've generously offered me a room for a fair price to stay with them. I have been sick lately though. I caught my brother's cold saddly. He and I both often feel like there's something at the back of our throats to swallow but nothing is there. We keep coughing and feeling like we should be coughing something up but nothing happens (which makes the coughing feel kinda like dry heaves sometimes >.<). And to make it worse it keeps me up at night coughing sometimes too.

On the upside, I'm glad I've still got my job and even happier I have a silly puppy to send me some fun songs to listen to. My puppy sent me a song by Owl City called Vanilla Twilight to listen to while I was complaining about being tired. Made me laugh and cry at the same time! Now I have to admit that some of his songs I find annoying at times, but I've liked Owl City since Fireflies came out. But one song my brother and I both agree will make him an awesome artist always in our minds is below for your listening entertainment. Enjoy guys!

Hiya everybody! Perfect time to make a new journal. Alot of my watchers probably don't know him and the others who've met him might have forgotten about him, but it's one of my oldest and best friend's birthday today!  Saitoshi-hanazuru is 19 today!

I met Sai-Sai WAAAAAAY back in high school on an old babyfur forum back when I first started writing. He quickly became one of my biggest fans and eventually became a very dynamic character in my stories, and pretty much helped me co-write my stories through many character building RPs. We've been brothers for a long time and even though he doesn't hop on line as much anymore we still keep in touch through hour(s) long phone calls. He easily hits the top five people I am happiest to have been blessed to have met in my lifetime and wish him many happy returns today! Thank you my friend!

It's come to my attention that my last journal sounded hurtful to a dear friend. He left me this comment on Skype.

"not saying this to be mean, but when you word your stuff like your friends mean nothing to you it hurts alot."

I want to set the record straight at least for my other friends that was not my intention. You guys DO mean a good deal to me. I can no more imagine my life without my puppy than I could if I were to lose you guys.

What I did mean in my journal was this. Back before my puppy, I had no sense of direction in my life. I was content just to take the first job I had and do it for the rest of my life if I were so lucky to keep it. I had little to look forward to in the life I was in. I didn't see anyone romantically, I had no ambition, and one of my only talents I could see was my writing (which I can't do much with at all really X3). The person I cared and admired most of all in this world has also been dead since my 8th grade year. Could have just been the depression I was once diagnosed with but I sincerely felt ready to die, that I had achieved all I was going to in my life.

Now with my puppy, I do feel like there is much more to do with my life again. I feel like sticking around on this world a little longer to hang out with some of the best friends I've ever had. Even if I should live to watch the world crumble I feel like I can do it now and that my life will mean more to everyone else for having had him in it. So to all the friends who's feelings I hurt with my last journal, I would like to say sorry to you all, and thank you for making this wild ride all the more fun and bearable. *hugs for everyone*

I love you lots hun and you mean the whole world to me. But a text I got from you today had me laughing at you. Even at the distance that currently keeps us apart, don't sell the love and support you show me short. It means more to me than you know. It took a bit of reflection on my part but awhile ago I realized something. Before I had you my adult life was rather hollow. True I had faith and it's all sustaining, but that was the only thing that tied me to the world. If a doctor had told me I had a tumor that would end my life in a month, I wouldn't have had much fight in me an been ready to go then. Your love now gives me a sense of purpose in my life. It gives me a forseeable future that gives me hope for happiness. I love you and always will hun.

Did say in my last journal that my reason for liking being held explained a few other things too. Thought I'd go into deeper detail cause I had a mini realization while I typed the journal. I do like my own independence as an adult. I like the sense of freedom. But sometimes I feel utterly overwhelmed and I look to people who can help me hold on in the moments of weakness. It's in those moments I'm at my weakest though I also feel the most content. Whether it's resting in the arms of Christ when I struggle in my faith from time to time, or in the (for now) imaginary arms of my mate (or one of his friends when we're having a fight X3 Love ya Vay!), if I always have them I feel safe enough to let go and lay back because I can always get back up again! So to everyone who's shoulder I've cried on, irl or online, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. You guys have saved me more times than even I probably know. Without you, I might never have stood back up again.

In an unrelated thing, I think I also like the feeling of weightlessness I get being held too so could explain the most fun thing I liked about swimming X3

Okay so epiphany might be a strong word in my case... but a sudden realization certainly fits!

Okay... so some of ya who read my journals or talk to me probably know about these hot flashes I've been having that make it hard to focus or be motivated to do much until they fade. It's my doctor's belief that since most of my triggers have been in stressful situations it's an increased sense/reaction of the fight-or-flight instinct. Thanks to one certain squirrel's comic recently and her commentary on it, I've come to a realization as to what's really been the problem. Now, I had earlier thought it was my living with my parents and the problems I'm having associated with that. Might be a contributing factor but here's the biggest thing. By forcing myself to live here through all my problems, I'm denying and supressing myself. All my real desires, wants and needs... I have no outlet for them! I have no place I can readily go to just relax and be every bit of myself I want to be. I'm either at school, at work, or going home to where I may be able to get online if I want but still cannot find the outlet for stress that I need. I think I actually do need to pad up again and enjoy some simple cub time. I live stressed in school, work, and at a home where I have to hide everything and it's causing physical reactions now. Thankfully I've two things to fix this. This coming Sunday I will be visiting my Momma Shibby for some cubby luvin times and last on through Thursday morning before I zoom back to Grand Forks to work. Second thing is I've set a general date in my mind where I will be taking my friends Taiku and Sylvester up on their offer to move in with them. If you're reading this Taiku I hope ya don't mind sometime before summer vacation ends. At the very latests it will be before our freakishly early snows.

Second "epiphany" came after I was about ready to go to bed. Realized I had to go pick my brother up from work so I took off and on the way actually had a realization about my own fetishes. They all stem from one or two feelings I dearly enjoy. The diapers thing, the vore, the mud... those ones all stem from the fact I like the feeling of a warm, wet, squish. Obviously a few things I don't like that would fit that description but that seems to fit them together at least! The babying, the few articles of bondage, and the vore again... that one stems from loving the feeling of being held. I like to surrender sometimes to somebody I can trust. I like to lay back in an embrace and let fears flow away. That feeling probably explains a few other things about me too but I am getting really tired now so I'm gonna bring this journal to a close. Thanks to those who took the time to read this!

Maybe anyways. Wanna give you guys a preview of it first. The opening kinda sumarizes some feelings I've had lately for my numerous characters and stories. Lemme know if this story sounds too cheesy! I'll know I'm getting back into my old style that way X3

A New Beginning – The Origin of Raine
My name is Nathaniel Solathonna, Keeper of Memory.

It’s a strange world I live in. A world of multiple realities converging into one place by the memory of one being. By his grace and my own twisted soul was I brought here. Yet still I remember where I was drawn from and from the knowledge of that place, I know this one is but a dream shared and shaped by many. One of these dreams gave birth to my alter-ego, Raine. What happens though when a memory grows foggy? What happens when dreams twist down paths so much you can’t see the end anymore or find the beginning? What happens when a mind is changed more times than can be counted and we lose sight of who we are… or in the case of Raine and his gang, lose touch with who they are?

My answer is… make a new beginning for them… this is one such beginning. Before Raine met Russet… before he split into multiple pokemon… before Selanine became the chief Goddess of a world they made for her… Raine was but a child and a Ninetales was his mother. This is their new story… and mine…



And now I collapse in my overheated bedroom. G'night guys!

Well... no bad news at least even if I'm not entirely satisfied with the results. For those who don't know, for the past year I've been having random hot flashes. Got some blood work and a 24-hour urine test done and everything comes back normal. Whenever these hotflashes happen my temp is always normal too. Noticed a few triggers. Sporadically when I drink caffeine I got a hot feeling. But, while distracting, it's not painful. When I get scared like I'm in deep shit or I'm getting angry and worked up I get a REALLY bad one that actually HURTS. I get a less severe one, even if still painful, when I face something I have to think hard about and don't get. One instance of that was my accounting classes. Just couldn't wrap my head around it and the more I tried to get it and force the work, the worse and longer the heat would last.

So what seems to be the problem then? Doctor says it sounds like all I have is a heightened sense of Fight-or-Flight. I have a more intense reaction to stressful situations. She also says my lack of sleep could be making the problem worse. So... solutions? Firstly, gotta try and get more sleep. She also said I could try using Melotonin since it's a fairly safe sleep aid. Secondly... try to reduce my stress level.

Yeah... let's count the number of things stressing me out shall we?
1. Relationship: I have a boyfriend. Relationships bring stresses of their own and that's normal, or so I'm told. My puppy and I are in a long distance one though and I'm somewhat depressed that we can't get together yet. Further problems are it's a gay relationship. Those are getting to be more accepted but still not looked highly upon by a longshot! Coupled with the fact I'm Christian (and yes, I do believe homosexuality is a sin) and come from a Christian family who's not quite as open-armed as I am... I think you can see where I'm going with this. Thankfully brother is perfectly accepting of me but I kinda told Mom when I was mad one day. Don't know when she's gonna tell Dad but I'm pretty sure he's gonna be pissed.
2. Actually.... the rest of my problems sadly revolve around my parents. Try telling that to them without it sounding like an accusation... Currently out of neccessity, I'm living with my parents. The deal I made when I moved back in with them was I had to go to school full-time. Now let's focus on that for a second. Right there, I didn't go to school for the right reason. I went so I'd have a place to stay and so I could make an attempt to live up to my parent's expectations for me. Apparently I took some test in highschool and was found to have an IQ of... I think 120 something? My case manager (I was in special eduaction) said I was smarter than most of the teachers there. Looking back now I wish I'd have punched her in the face cause that's what started a downward spiral. I tried college, I REALLY did! But first semster I failed three of my classes before midterms! Second one because of those hotflashes and the ensuing depression from them I missed a couple important tests in another class I could have passed and I failed two of the four I took. The more I try it seems, the more I fail and fall short of my parent's expectations. I love them, and I know for a fact they honestly love me and do think I can do much more than I am now. But either I can't give myself enough credit, or they give me too much (or could be a mix of both, IQ isn't an accurate measure of intelligence after all). But I digress...
3. Housing: Now let's focus on the housing part of the above problem. I'm on academic suspension. I know for a fact now, I cannot handle college full time. This means I cannot uphold my part of the deal with my parents. Now it sounds like so far my mom will (or was gonna before I told her I was bi... she wondered aloud if I'd be staying after dad found out) allow me to stay assuming I go back in the next spring semseter. I really don't think I am because I'd only be able to handle maybe two classes in any given semester. They think I should be able to handle it so I doubt part-time will fly with them so I'm out. THANKFULLY this stress has been lessened CONSIDERABLY thanks to  GladiatorW07f and  silvester_campes generously offering me housing with them. Won't have to worry about losing the place for no rent either thanks to it being Silvester's house.
4. Medical: If I don't go to college full-time, I'm gonna lose my medical coverage. My current coverage is under my father's policy for him being retired military. I'm covered till I'm 21 OR 25 if I go to college full time. Techincally I can stay under the same company even after that but I think it's $40 a month or something. Plus side if I go that route, anything I get done out at base is fully covered. Also not a big co-pay if they have to send me elsewhere for treatment.
5. Debts: Currently, my family is paying for quite a bit for me. With a few car repairs they've paid for to help me, and a few other troubles they've bailed me out of, I probably owe them $3,000 now. This includes car insurance and the new cell phone too they've been paying for. I finally have a job again but I don't get much a month. Less than $600 after deductions. I also STILL have to finish paying off my credit card. These debts don't include any food, housing, internet, electricity, or cable they've been giving me purely out of the goodness of their hearts either. I hate the fact I've had to live off their generousity. It's not fair to them and it's a shame to me. If I decide not to go back to college and just leave... that's pretty much just throwing in their face all they've done for me.

*sighs* That's my sob story for the day folks... just thought I'd show ya what's been keeping me so busy lately and how my appointment went. Lot's of stress and lots to deal with.

As of today, I've officially been with my everloving mate  legandaryhon for a whole year! I love you puppy! Thanks for giving me a wonderful year and so much more to look forward to!

Cause of what tomorrow means for me! As of tomorrow, my puppy and I will have been together for one whole year! We've had a few ups and downs but he's made me happier than I have been for a long time! I can never thank my puppy enough cause I can finally see something in my future worth running for. Happy early anniversary hun! I love you more than I can say, so how about I just play our song?

Slightly saddened that I had to get off my comp and away from my puppy today to clean the house. But I get on my comp a bit later and I see in my skype box that coming in the next expansion, WoW will have otters! SQUEEE!!!! Only a critter model has been found so far but most critter types can be gained as pets so I'm really hoping to have one! If they get some kind of tamable giant otter... I think my head will esplode! XD

Can't believe the time has flown by so fast... I'm happy to annouce everyone that in eight days I will have been in a relationship for one whole year! We have been happily (or unhappily on some days, every couple fights and if they don't they should see a shrink X3) mated to one another since June 2nd of last year. Thank you so much for putting up with me for that long hun! I love you more than words can say.

jogging twice around the block leaves your legs like jelly, your jaws aching, and you can feel your heart beat from your neck to groin...

Okay, I know I still have my list of stuff to finish but I'm gonna be taking a break for a bit. College is finally over for the semester and sadly I only passed one more class than last semester. Have a new job I hope will prove to be better than the last too working in the Hugo's bakery. I've been having odd hot flashes for over a year now though and I'm getting in to see a doctor about it on Friday. Once things settle into the summer monotony I'll start working at my stories again. So far, here's what I believe I owe.

1: My new Denshire Falls stories. Still gotta get Gem into a story again cause I'm still uber grateful to her for pulling my rudder out of a tight situation.
2: Owe a commision and a kiriban to  legandaryhon. Sorry to say hun but I think the other two I owe you are never gonna get done so I'll simply work extra hard on the Gilt Story (and yes, including Chapter X)
3: Two gift stories I'm working on for  rattatalord (yours is about half complete I think RL), and  juanthebuizel for getting second kiriban and his birthday today anyways.
4: Finally get to work on my own stories. I've come to the conclusion recently that my first story I ever started, even with the new rewrite, is never gonna be finished so I'm sorta discontinuing it while I work on a new setting. Gonna write a single story with the significant plot points in it. A buddy of mine might be interested in writing when he's done with college anyways and maybe he'll want to pick up where I leave off or fill in the blanks.

Just got a call from Hugo's. Had a couple interviews with them already and now they've hired me on in the bakery department! I'LL HAVE SOMETHING TO DO THIS SUMMER! YAY!

Some of ya mighta missed a previous journal stating it but here goes anyways. I've got two other accounts here on FA that I haven't made use of yet and wanted to let you guys know I'm gonna move some of my stuff over to each of them as appropriate. In the next couple days I'm gonna remove some things from here too so if ya lose some things from your faves they'll be over on the other accounts. Just to give you all some details on what each account is gonna have, here's the list.

 riolucariolu is still gonna stay up! It's gonna be my main account still and the one I use to watch everybody with. Best place to contact me is still gonna be here. Other then that, this is going to be my CLEAN babyfur account. It'll be reserved for stories like what I'm working on with  Lig's Denshire Falls setting. Commisioned and gift arts I get are gonna be here too unless it's mature rated or involves something like what's gonna be in the next account.

 Selanine is gonna by my Mature/Adult/Other account. Selanine might be my momma character but she's got a... "playful" side to her too. So she's gonna protect my watchers who view me for the cute babyfur stuffs by taking the naughty things into her account. Doing this because my boyfriend has commented that my most recent submission lacked the thumbnail I posted it with in his submission box. Now ya won't have to worry about it if you don't watch her X3

 team-ars is gonna be my account for commision and gift stories. Won't be as much in this one but anything might be there so watch at your own discretion.

Doesn't seem like a very hard one to do. Go ahead and ask me if I like something and I'll answer.

I've had some life shit going on lately and problems I've been dealing with for months have been getting a bit worse. I've been really stressed lately and I fear I've been huring some folks feelings or dissappointing some. I'll detail my problems in a sec but I'm also gonna get my apologies out here first.

First apologies go to the folks who I'm normally in contact with on various messengers like Skype or AIM. Whether I've been ignoring you, not answering or the couple of you I've just been short tempered with. I've been iritable with quite a few people lately so it's not just you folks.

Second goes to folks expecting stories from me. I haven't been able to focus on much at all lately. Most of my schoolwork doesn't hold my attention, even the classes I once found fun and interesting. Stories have been suffering too, haven't been able to get more than a couple paragraphs in any given day. Heck, I'm even having trouble staying interested in some of my favorite computer games to play them for long! My playing of World of Warcraft has even gotten down to the most fun I tend to have is farming.

So what's been going on then? For almost a year now at random points in the day my head would suddenly feel hot for no apparent reason. It hurts sometimes it feels so hot and I can't concentrate or think about anything. I want to yell and do something whenever it happens too but I'm often nowhere I can do something like that. For even longer, I've been needing coffee to help get me going in the morning. While that's normal, the fact that even with 3-4 mugs of coffee I still end up fatigued in the middle of the day. This is making school even harder to do. Combine this with no job, a credit card bill I need to pay off, pressure from parents to get a job and do good in school (and go to school full time or I'm out of the house), parents who yell at me half the time for not doing dishes on my own (or for offering to help when they do them after yelling at me for it), and a long distance relationship with somebody my folks wouldn't approve of... lots of stress on my late to deal with that also has me worried my old depression may be coming back with a vengence. Small wonder I get a headache at least 4 out of 7 days of the week.

I'm thinking two things right about now. Firstly, I'm gonna talk to a doctor. A trusted friend at church says that the hot feelings in my head may be adrenaline rushes caused by sleep deprivation (which can cause a whole mess of hormonal imbalances). Second, I'm gonna come clean with my mom at least tonight. It's much easier to talk to one of them than both and even if mom is the one that seems to yell more often nowadays she also tends to understand more. I might be lucky and if she knows all I'm dealing with she'll be more likely to go easy on me. She's "encouraging" me at the moment to go to school during the summer. I'm thinking I'll offer to go part time over the summer but I'm also going to talk to her about going part-time next semester too. Part time college should give me a chance to see various doctors and try to get my head back in order too I think. I guess we'll see how all this goes. If anybody else has some advice though, I could use some. Anything helps at the moment. Even if I don't take the advice it'd be nice to be reminded I still have folks who care about me.

Special thanks by the way to a few folks by the way.  gladiatorw07f for always being an ear to listen to me (when I can get a word in edgewise you chatterbox X3). I can always trust your opinion to be honest and your advice is normally very good.  legandaryhon for being the best boyfriend I never thought I'd have. You might add to my stress levels but you also are a constant ray of sunshine I can see beyond the clouds that darken my day. Also wanna thank his non-furry friend. She's always got some witty comment that ends up making me smile and has always made me feel better whenever I talked to her. She kept me going that disastrous day I tried to break up with my puppy once too. I'll never be able to thank her enough for that.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/.....,6461074.story

Just curious, what is everyone else's take on this? It might just be my political ineptitude but just by that article this one doesn't sound quite as bad. Can somebody spell out the bad for me in layman's terms?