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Oct 2024 Update
Posted a year agoHeyo heyo, fuzzies! Hope y'all're doin' well.
I figured it was about time to post another life update, since alot has happened since the moving-away situation fell thru back in May.
So I decided to stay in Colorado for the timebeing, because I found a job here that seemed tolerable. See, there's this regional combini chain called Maverik; the region being, west of the Mississippi but east of the Continental Divide.
For awhile it was going okay, until I started getting worse/more frequent anxiety attacks. It got to the point where I had to choose between making excuses to avoid going in, versus showing up and risk having to leave early anyway. That's how bad it got for me. The job duties themselves weren't terrible, but more often than not I found myself mentally beating myself up over not being able to, in my own words: "perform such painfully basic tasks with mere adequacy".
Fortunately, about a month ago, I was offered a position at the local card shop I hangout at sometimes. The manager knows me, and I've been coming there since before the Pandemic. I decided to quit my job at Maverik to sort trading cards and fill online orders. Now I am actually enjoying my work without it being a struggle or even a compromise. Plus I get access to free snacks!
I recognise how fortunate I truly am, as very few adults (especially in my age group) are allowed this luxury. So yes, things are starting to look up for me, despite everything these past twelve years.
On the other hand, I'm still extremely frustrated with my ongoing lack of drawing mojo. Whenever I try to sit down and put pencil to paper, I am immediately reminded of why I hate myself, and then shut down emotionally. It's distressing because, all my life, drawing used to be the one thing I could fall back on and rely upon. It's sacred to me, that's why I don't wanna give up; but now it's painful to even think about.....
That's why I'm using this month as an opportunity to force myself to overcome this art-funk by sketching atleast one thing everyday. It can be anything, it doesn't even hafta be good; I just gotta start doing something at all to prevent my creative noodle from becoming atrophied.
So I dunno. I appear to be making progress, but at the same time I feel like I'm not. We'll see.
I figured it was about time to post another life update, since alot has happened since the moving-away situation fell thru back in May.
So I decided to stay in Colorado for the timebeing, because I found a job here that seemed tolerable. See, there's this regional combini chain called Maverik; the region being, west of the Mississippi but east of the Continental Divide.
For awhile it was going okay, until I started getting worse/more frequent anxiety attacks. It got to the point where I had to choose between making excuses to avoid going in, versus showing up and risk having to leave early anyway. That's how bad it got for me. The job duties themselves weren't terrible, but more often than not I found myself mentally beating myself up over not being able to, in my own words: "perform such painfully basic tasks with mere adequacy".
Fortunately, about a month ago, I was offered a position at the local card shop I hangout at sometimes. The manager knows me, and I've been coming there since before the Pandemic. I decided to quit my job at Maverik to sort trading cards and fill online orders. Now I am actually enjoying my work without it being a struggle or even a compromise. Plus I get access to free snacks!
I recognise how fortunate I truly am, as very few adults (especially in my age group) are allowed this luxury. So yes, things are starting to look up for me, despite everything these past twelve years.
On the other hand, I'm still extremely frustrated with my ongoing lack of drawing mojo. Whenever I try to sit down and put pencil to paper, I am immediately reminded of why I hate myself, and then shut down emotionally. It's distressing because, all my life, drawing used to be the one thing I could fall back on and rely upon. It's sacred to me, that's why I don't wanna give up; but now it's painful to even think about.....
That's why I'm using this month as an opportunity to force myself to overcome this art-funk by sketching atleast one thing everyday. It can be anything, it doesn't even hafta be good; I just gotta start doing something at all to prevent my creative noodle from becoming atrophied.
So I dunno. I appear to be making progress, but at the same time I feel like I'm not. We'll see.
Further update on my situation
Posted a year agoSo last time, I informed everyone that I was moving away to Tucson from Colorado Springs starting last week. Unfortunately, apparently something came up which caused me to have to turn back. I found out my would-be housemate caught Covid, but I didn't hear about it till the time I got to Albuquerque..... đ
But the good news is, my folks gave me permission to come back and are letting me stay for awhile longer, on the condition that I find employment. Which as of a couple days ago, I did get hired; and soon I'll be folding burritos part-time for $15 /hour (yay?) đ
Somehow I had a feeling things would turn out okay. It must be my Squirrel Senses ÂŽī¸ÂŠī¸âĸī¸ !! đ
Thanks again so much for all the well wishes; they seem to be working ^^" đ§Ą
But the good news is, my folks gave me permission to come back and are letting me stay for awhile longer, on the condition that I find employment. Which as of a couple days ago, I did get hired; and soon I'll be folding burritos part-time for $15 /hour (yay?) đ
Somehow I had a feeling things would turn out okay. It must be my Squirrel Senses ÂŽī¸ÂŠī¸âĸī¸ !! đ
Thanks again so much for all the well wishes; they seem to be working ^^" đ§Ą
Moving Away
Posted a year agoStarting first thing Friday, I will be on the road omw to Tuscon, where I will be living with a family friend for the next month. After that, who knows.....
Needless to say I won't have access to my PC for the foreseeable future, until I can settle somewhere and find a job and (hopefully) a roommate.
See you later! đŋī¸âī¸
Needless to say I won't have access to my PC for the foreseeable future, until I can settle somewhere and find a job and (hopefully) a roommate.
See you later! đŋī¸âī¸
Notice
Posted 2 years agoSorry in advance for the increased downtime. You won't be hearing much from me for awhile. (Yes, it's something bad and I am in alot of trouble.)
I'll explain everything when I'm ready. Don't be worried about me.
I'll explain everything when I'm ready. Don't be worried about me.
Why I Quit Drawing
Posted 2 years agoThe reason I hate myself so much, is because I'm inadequate at everything I try to do. Even painfully basic tasks are a struggle. For example, I can't even so much as carry multiple objects in an optimal manner. This also applies to my arts & hobbies. Activities I have thousands of hours of experience doing, yet I have nothing to show for it. That is unacceptable. I can't just blame the muscles in my hands for being uncoordinated; or that my brain causes me to overthink things. Because that's Bullshit, and everyone knows it. No, I need to take responsibility for my own inherent incompetence. There comes a point where this level of consistent failure stops being okay, and I've long since passed that point. But only when I do it. I won't let anybody tell me otherwise. This is not open to debate.
Life Update (actually important)
Posted 4 years agoHey everyone,
So I've been quiet about it for awhile, and only a handful of my friends know. I wasn't ready to make this public because alot of details were still pending. But now everything is certain, so I can properly make this announcement.
I'm leaving.
.....Except not like that, Lol silly.
I'm moving out of my apartment and into an RV. It belongs to my folks, and will be parked out front of their house, but I'll be independent and self-reliant. Plus rent is cheap; they're only asking $300/month (that's a bargain!!)
There are several factors leading upto this. Part of it is I can't affoard rent anymore at my current place, even at only $725/month (still a bargain!) with only my part-time job(s). I also wanted a lifestyle change so I don't hafta feel propetually trapped by runaway capitalist, docile consumer, phone addict culture.
But most of all, I'm doing this to become more productive with my arts. Sitting in a room playing computer games all day for six years straight is not healthy. As poignant as it sounds, and as ashamed as I am to admit it, that's exactly what I've been doing with my life all this time. And as you can imagine, my depression hasn't changed much because of it. For the first time in ten years, I want to start living. It's my life's goal to, in my own words, "Create something that inspires as many people as possible", which is really quite open-ended. (I hope it can inspire you too!)
Anyhow, today I'll be packing, cleaning, saying goodbye to sights and familiarity, committing things to memory..... however unpleasant much of it was. Remember that song by Green Day, the one that goes like:-
"It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right,
I hope you had the Time of Your Life."
I will post an update once I'm settled. Talk to y'all fuzzies soon! <3
- Risu
So I've been quiet about it for awhile, and only a handful of my friends know. I wasn't ready to make this public because alot of details were still pending. But now everything is certain, so I can properly make this announcement.
I'm leaving.
.....Except not like that, Lol silly.
I'm moving out of my apartment and into an RV. It belongs to my folks, and will be parked out front of their house, but I'll be independent and self-reliant. Plus rent is cheap; they're only asking $300/month (that's a bargain!!)
There are several factors leading upto this. Part of it is I can't affoard rent anymore at my current place, even at only $725/month (still a bargain!) with only my part-time job(s). I also wanted a lifestyle change so I don't hafta feel propetually trapped by runaway capitalist, docile consumer, phone addict culture.
But most of all, I'm doing this to become more productive with my arts. Sitting in a room playing computer games all day for six years straight is not healthy. As poignant as it sounds, and as ashamed as I am to admit it, that's exactly what I've been doing with my life all this time. And as you can imagine, my depression hasn't changed much because of it. For the first time in ten years, I want to start living. It's my life's goal to, in my own words, "Create something that inspires as many people as possible", which is really quite open-ended. (I hope it can inspire you too!)
Anyhow, today I'll be packing, cleaning, saying goodbye to sights and familiarity, committing things to memory..... however unpleasant much of it was. Remember that song by Green Day, the one that goes like:-
"It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right,
I hope you had the Time of Your Life."
I will post an update once I'm settled. Talk to y'all fuzzies soon! <3
- Risu
Should I reupload my Gallery?
Posted 4 years agoI dunno if I should; I think it would be in bad taste. I need to own up to my childish behaviour and impulsive decisions, and so this is how I can atone.
On the other hand, I've made a contribution to the community with my arts, and so it's kinda my responsibility to keep it around. Plus all my friends say they like my drawings and that they miss seeing them.
On the other hand, I've made a contribution to the community with my arts, and so it's kinda my responsibility to keep it around. Plus all my friends say they like my drawings and that they miss seeing them.
Why I pulled my Gallery
Posted 4 years agoAs you can all see, a week ago I wiped my page clean of all but a few posts. That's because those are the only ones people seem to +Fav anymore, so I know it's my responsibilty to atleast keep those ones around.
Basicaly what happened was, I had another emotional breakdown, this time due to a combination of meds withdrawl plus a dreadful anxiety attack at work the night before. That's all you need to know.
And no, I won't be reuploading any of my old stuff onto here. That would just be a waste of bandwidth.
Basicaly what happened was, I had another emotional breakdown, this time due to a combination of meds withdrawl plus a dreadful anxiety attack at work the night before. That's all you need to know.
And no, I won't be reuploading any of my old stuff onto here. That would just be a waste of bandwidth.
My Situation
Posted 4 years agoHi all,
On Wed 20th Oct, I receieved a txt from my landlord telling me the duplex I'm renting a room from is being sold at the end of November, and that I have to leave (this is non negotiable.) So by all intensive purposes, this means I am functionally homeless as of two days ago. I never receieved anything in writing, so I don't know if they're even allowed to do this or if I can take them to court or whatever. Ontop of that, I narrowly avoided losing my job as a pizza delivery driver. So at the very least, I can still live out of my car. Which is exactly what I plan on doing starting at the end of next week. In the meantime, I need to not only get this place cleaned up for the inspection, I must also sell my PC and other valueables, because I won't be able to carry them with me. Plus I could actually use whatever money I'll not be spending on rent to go toward fixing up my automobile.
(I deleted+rewrote alot of this message because it started devolving into HURRR FUCKIN REALITY IS BLEAK ERMAGHERRD BRBKMSIRL LOLOLOLOL which is not helpful. You have very little idea how hard I am trying NOT to overreact this time.)
Anyhow, that's all.
- Risu
Small Update:- Turns out I was mistaken about the dates. I have until the end of next month, not next "week". So while the situation is still dire, I do have a bit more room to work with, but I can't get comfy. I was still very upset while I was typing all that out, so I wasn't able to clearly proofread what I had written. I was not trying to be intentionally misleading, I promise.
UPDATE 2:- Good news-- My landlord offered me to stay if I agreed to pay a higer rent from now on. I accepted, since going from $525 up to only $675 /month is still affoardable. So I'm not in anymore danger for now.
On Wed 20th Oct, I receieved a txt from my landlord telling me the duplex I'm renting a room from is being sold at the end of November, and that I have to leave (this is non negotiable.) So by all intensive purposes, this means I am functionally homeless as of two days ago. I never receieved anything in writing, so I don't know if they're even allowed to do this or if I can take them to court or whatever. Ontop of that, I narrowly avoided losing my job as a pizza delivery driver. So at the very least, I can still live out of my car. Which is exactly what I plan on doing starting at the end of next week. In the meantime, I need to not only get this place cleaned up for the inspection, I must also sell my PC and other valueables, because I won't be able to carry them with me. Plus I could actually use whatever money I'll not be spending on rent to go toward fixing up my automobile.
(I deleted+rewrote alot of this message because it started devolving into HURRR FUCKIN REALITY IS BLEAK ERMAGHERRD BRBKMSIRL LOLOLOLOL which is not helpful. You have very little idea how hard I am trying NOT to overreact this time.)
Anyhow, that's all.
- Risu
Small Update:- Turns out I was mistaken about the dates. I have until the end of next month, not next "week". So while the situation is still dire, I do have a bit more room to work with, but I can't get comfy. I was still very upset while I was typing all that out, so I wasn't able to clearly proofread what I had written. I was not trying to be intentionally misleading, I promise.
UPDATE 2:- Good news-- My landlord offered me to stay if I agreed to pay a higer rent from now on. I accepted, since going from $525 up to only $675 /month is still affoardable. So I'm not in anymore danger for now.
Obligatory new site update rant.....
Posted 6 years agoI like it! c:
Infact, the only qualm I have with it so far, is the absence of the "Browse by Category" feature on the homepage.
Infact, the only qualm I have with it so far, is the absence of the "Browse by Category" feature on the homepage.
Little Rant
Posted 9 years agoY'know what I resent most? Being guilt-tripped.
I won't mention any names, but it's happened to me several times within the past couple years. Here's how it plays out:- A stranger, whose name I've only ever seen from browsing FA, asks me to draw somethings for them. I politely decline, but rather than to accept No for an answer, they start making passive-aggressive remarks about how I'm selfish, and that nobody else cares for them, etc. etc. Which, as a sensitive person, causes me to hastily apologise to them, out of fear of being hated. I succumb to allowing myself to add them on Skype/Telegram to try and make it up to them. They take advantage of my caring nature and start to say/do some really rather fucked-up shit; sexually RP-ing with me and my characters and trying to become my "boyfriend". By that point I'm stuck in a situation where the only way I can give them the message that they are making me extremely uncomfortable, is to tell them to fuck off and block them altogether. After that, they chew me out thru a PM and then forever hate my guts. And that's that, they are out of my life but I'm even worse off than before I'd ever met them. They've successfully made me beleieve as tho' I am a bad person. Again, this has happened on more than one occasion.
What should I do? Am I truly a bad person?
TL;DR -- Please don't use me just to get free arts, thanks.
~~~
EDIT:- Also, it should be mentioned that this Journal was not intended as putting anybody on blast, nor do I mean to amass a personal army of white-knights. Altho' I admit (and it's quite obvious) that I did infact post this just to get validation from my friends. And that sort of manipulative behaviour is no better that what I dealt with. That is why I'm doubting my integrity as a person.
I won't mention any names, but it's happened to me several times within the past couple years. Here's how it plays out:- A stranger, whose name I've only ever seen from browsing FA, asks me to draw somethings for them. I politely decline, but rather than to accept No for an answer, they start making passive-aggressive remarks about how I'm selfish, and that nobody else cares for them, etc. etc. Which, as a sensitive person, causes me to hastily apologise to them, out of fear of being hated. I succumb to allowing myself to add them on Skype/Telegram to try and make it up to them. They take advantage of my caring nature and start to say/do some really rather fucked-up shit; sexually RP-ing with me and my characters and trying to become my "boyfriend". By that point I'm stuck in a situation where the only way I can give them the message that they are making me extremely uncomfortable, is to tell them to fuck off and block them altogether. After that, they chew me out thru a PM and then forever hate my guts. And that's that, they are out of my life but I'm even worse off than before I'd ever met them. They've successfully made me beleieve as tho' I am a bad person. Again, this has happened on more than one occasion.
What should I do? Am I truly a bad person?
TL;DR -- Please don't use me just to get free arts, thanks.
~~~
EDIT:- Also, it should be mentioned that this Journal was not intended as putting anybody on blast, nor do I mean to amass a personal army of white-knights. Altho' I admit (and it's quite obvious) that I did infact post this just to get validation from my friends. And that sort of manipulative behaviour is no better that what I dealt with. That is why I'm doubting my integrity as a person.
Where to find me!
Posted 9 years agoDon't worry, I'll still be here.
DeviantART:- http://toon-risu.deviantart.com/
Inkbunny:- https://inkbunny.net/Risu
Weasyl:- https://www.weasyl.com/~risu
Twittor:- https://twitter.com/ToonRisu
Steam:- https://steamcommunity.com/id/chinatown64/
Discord:- Risu#0238
Telegram:- [at]RoboRisu
Twitch:- https://www.twitch.tv/razyeon
YouTube:- https://www.youtube.com/user/chinatown64
DeviantART:- http://toon-risu.deviantart.com/
Inkbunny:- https://inkbunny.net/Risu
Weasyl:- https://www.weasyl.com/~risu
Twittor:- https://twitter.com/ToonRisu
Steam:- https://steamcommunity.com/id/chinatown64/
Discord:- Risu#0238
Telegram:- [at]RoboRisu
Twitch:- https://www.twitch.tv/razyeon
YouTube:- https://www.youtube.com/user/chinatown64
Risu's NSFW arts on IB!
Posted 9 years agoFrom now on, I will no longer be posting porn onto FA. This is due to my desire to not be known only for drawing porn and nothing else. I've seen many artists unfortunately devolve into becoming a commission-slut or a Patreon-sellout. Those sorta folks draw only becos' they know it will get views and/or make them money, and so they think there is no need to advance their own artstyle. That's something I really wanna avoid happening to me. Therefore, to establish a balance of clean/dirty arts, everything by me that is #NSFW will be posted over on Inkbunny.
https://inkbunny.net/Risu
https://inkbunny.net/Risu
Sorry
Posted 10 years agoPlease excuse all the the sudden re-watches. Something happened, and I might've overreacted, and so I'm attempting to fix everything now. Just bear with me, Ok?
