Ok. So I've had a falling out with a friend. Was given what they felt was an excuse for not wanting to be friends with me, as well as blaming my ex. Granted my ex has issues, but at least he tries to deal with them.

This person decided to blow me off and write me off completely because of whom I hang out and because there is "too much chaos" in my life.

REALITY CHECK: LIFE IS CHAOTIC!!!

Deal with the chaos and move on. I do my best in dealing with it. I am in therapy and on medication for my issues. My ex and I are no longer together, but are still good friends. Hell, we still live in the same house. (On different floors of course) We chat and hang out and even cook meals together.

Worse still, he bashed me to a friend of his that HE introduced me to. This friend who barely knows me now wants nothing to do with me. (Nice shy guy too.)

Ok. Am hoping people actually read these things. Here is my dilemma:

I am currently unemployed and have been since last November. Since then, I have descended into a severe depressive state with bouts of anxiety. As a result, I am currently unable to hold a job. Being without any type of insurance, I am also not elgible for any short-term disability coverage, as well as MedicAid or Medicare. I am also surviving on Food stamps.

I literally have no money, and try to maintain my sanity by running a few blogs on my own. I am currently unable to pay my hosting provider. As my side business (reorganizing) is also hosted on this provider, I am unable to currently do anything on the site.

If you would be willing to donate a few dollars here and there to assist me. I would greatly appreciate it. To reactivate my account, I have to have a minimum of $60.

If you are willing to assist, please use Paypal. to JasonEBintz[at]dhta.biz


Thanks on a future post and dedications on future works will be given to anyone who donates.

After much thinking and based upon recent events that have occurred recently, I have come to the realization that I am simply not deserving of a life, perfect or imperfect. I do not deserve to be happy. I do not deserve the friends I have. I do not deserve to have someone love me and to love someone with all my heart. (If I could find it right now). I might deserve to survive long enough to be a victim of some natural disaster, or some disease that will eventually kill me.

I base this on the many decisions I have made in my life, some good and some bad. The ones that I failed on just seem to snowball out of control. My current frame of mind is slightly inebriated, emotionally and physically exhausted. I just simply am too tired to go on. I want to be free of all of this. All of the bullshit, all of the pain, and to be free of life itself.

Challenge me. Give me a reason. I dare you.

Life comes swiftly at you suddenly, takes you by surprise.
Unexpected - feels so hectic - no time to decide.

Leave your conflict, leave your strife; bring an open mind.
Try your luck and roll the dice… win more than a grand prize.

Come and join me, gather quickly; brace yourself for this.
Life’s a mystery still worth living - it’s what you make of it.

Shanghai Restoration Project "Preface"

I had downloaded this random tone to use as an alarm. Imagine my surprise when I found out the other day it was an almost 3 minute song. I listened to it this afternoon while stuck in traffic on the local highway. I got home and looked them up. Beautiful song.

http://youtu.be/Kd_27qeafe0

Link to the song on YouTube if you wish to listen. Please comment if you like!!!

I would post this to my blog, but due to financial issues, I am unable to pay my hosting provider. If you wish to assist, please send me a PM and I will provide details. As it stand right now, to keep my blog and assorted other sites going, I need to have about $60 every three months. With the current job market in the Northern Virginia area, I am unable to get hired even for entry-level positions!


The three things never good to deal with: Insomnia, depression, and alcohol. To add further complete insult to injury, my wallet
is in my housemates car about 100 miles away. A few weeks ago, we hit a deer while traveling at highway speeds. The deer caused
a great deal of damage to the vehicle, including the front end, radiator block, and even the AC. While trying to make arrangements to
get a tow, I discovered that I was running low on my prepaid minutes. I pulled my wallet out to try to get a payment processed to add
more to my account. Due to issues, something wouldn't go through. Frustrated, I tossed my phone and wallet into the car, not caring where
they landed.

To make matters even worse then they already are, I am out of my medications. One for my depression and anxiety disorders, and the other
is controlling my blood pressure. I have refills awaiting of them at the local free clinic, but without my wallet and ID, I am unable to
get them. So until the car is ready and we can get down there, my depression is taking over hardcore. As I sit typing this, I have a regular
wine glass filled with ice and several shots of rum. I was contemplating mixing a sedative, but at this point, I don't even care.

Because it's so late in the night, nothing is available. I just called one of those Suicide Prevention lines and talked to a very nice lady,
but I don't feel any better. I give up on those things.

All I want is for someone to tell me I'm worth it. Since It's been so long since I've heard it, if I try to tell myself, I
can't believe it. I need to hear it from someone else. I want someone to love me, for all of me, including my faults, my anxieties, my
moods, my depression. I want someone to be thre for me if I get down, to just hold me and tell me I am worth it and that I am loved. Why
is it so hard for me to find that?

A friend once told me that I need to learn how to love myself first. Well, how the fuck do I do that? Can somebody fucking tell me? Please?

Have recently gone back and watched a few episodes of Inside the Actor's Studio with James Lipton. At the end of the show, before he turns the guest over to a Q&A with the audience, he asks the guest 10 questions pioneered by French media star Bernard Pivot. I'm going to ask them now here. Read all the questions, and comment with your answers. Also pass this around!

1.What is your favorite word?
2.What is your favorite curse word?
3.What is your least favorite curse word?
4.What turns you on [creatively, spiritually or emotionally]?
5.What turns you off?
6.What sound or noise do you love?
7.What sound or noise do you hate?
8.What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
9.What profession would you not like to do?
10.If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

Last Monday morning, the head of my dad's family, my grandmother passed away at home. I was out of town staying with a friend after my recent breakup when I got the news. The rest of the week was anxiety and preparation.

Friday came and was time to travel. After 9+ hours in a car with my mother and sister and arriving to the funeral home to receive family, I relaxed for a bit until Saturday morning. A huge honor was given to me, as my aunt who handled the arrangements asked me to serve as a pallbearer for the service. My sister was asked to bring the offertory gifts. My family is roman catholic with my late grandmother very active in the church for over 40 years.

My father gave a lovely eulogy, and the service was wonderful, followed by a wonderful reception in the basement of the church. A lovely lunch and time with family was welcome by all. Relaxing for a few hours, the Irish Wake was commenced at my aunt's house with lots of food, alcohol, and music. One of the more fun moments of the wake was the majority of us singing along to Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young.

My father then took me to his favorite bar and treated me to 2 shots of Johnnie Walker Red blended scotch which was wonderful. The time at the bar, chatting, and singing along to The Doobie Brothers "Black Water" were wonderful. After the bar, a trip to a Chinese Buffet for dinner and then back to the house to relax.

After spending another 10+ hours in the car on the way back, I arrived both physically and emotionally exhausted. Although I am glad to be home, I really have no energy to do much of anything.

My post about my bad week has been deleted. This is because someone decided to be an asshole and pretty much attack me. So guess what, you awakened the dragon. And HE IS PISSED.

Quentdragon- READ THIS!!

I knew exactly what I was getting into when I met Drakkon. I knew what he was like, and how things would play out. I made my decisions and I tried to make it work. Ultimately, it didn't work out. Unlike the fact that you were with him for over a decade and had no intention of making it work. And at least Drakkon and I are closer in age. How does it feel to be considered a pedo-dragon? As far as the job holding thing, oh well. At least I'm not paranoid about bill collectors finding me. I would love to find all those bill collectors for you and give them your address and phone number. You aren't the first, and wont be the last. Oh and about the whole gun control thing goes, Obama hasn't come to the door yet to ask for your guns. You've been played by the media. Take your assault rifles and shove it up your ass as far as i'm concerned.

YOU LEFT HIM BECAUSE YOU WERE A FUCKING COWARD. YOU HAD A GOOD THING WITH HIM AND YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE IT, BUT YOU DID. Just because I came around, did not give you license to basically have someone thrown out in the street. I have never done that to any of my friends, but you did that to us. I will NEVER forgive you for that. Oh and I have something to say to your "boy-toy"

Kashi- You are a spoiled brat who needs to fucking grow up. Stop thinking that just because your parents raised you the way they did, entitles you to anything you want. You are supporting a grown ass fucking man who should be saving for his retirement. You found yourself a sugar daddy, but he's not. You are his sugar daddy. Congrats. You really know how to pick em. Just remember that the time will come that Quent will find someone younger and leave you. I hope you are happy when things fall down around you and nobody is there to pick up the pieces, because I am sure that mommy and daddy will not help on that one. Have a great life you immature, self-centered brat.

Quent- All you had to do was wait a few fucking days on this. I came back from the funeral for my grandmother. I am seriously emotionally compromised by all this and I get this shit. Oh hell no you self-centered asshole! You want to see a real dragon, you got one pal. I would make some sort of threat, but it's not my style. You will never take responsibility for the actions you have taken in your life and that is not only sad, but completely pathetic. Get some help, get therapy, because you are obviously suffering from sort of mental illness. Enjoy your life with your boy-toy, until you decide to trade him in for a younger one.

Well, as mentioned in the previous journal, the blog site for The Power Of Music series I am writing is now up and running. Please say hi by leaving a comment.


The address is : http://powerofmusic.rogalcvora.net

I want to swim away but don't know how. Sometimes it feels like I'm drowning in the ocean. -Blue October "Into the Ocean"

I am indeed drowning in my depression. The meds help a little bit, but without money, I can't afford therapy. And even through the free clinic, the soonest I can see someone is 3 weeks. That's not going to work.

I afraid for myself, all I want to do is run away, but I can't get far enough. I really need to get away from here for a few days, somewhere remote so I can just be alone with my thought ans try to calm the raging storms in my mind.

Not sure how to start this out well, so here goes.
Mind is rather clouded right now.

As it stands right now, am seriously emotionally compromised. My meds are not working. Yesterday, I broke down twice. Once was so bad Del and his boyfriend held me while i cried for a few minutes. I need help, I know I do. I am so scared right now, which has never happened before in my life. I can't even find my confidence, and my defenses are so broken, I can't even find the energy to rebuild. And I know if I go further, I will wind up in a place I really don't want to go to again.

I give up. I don't want to be in control anymore, because I've screwed it up so bad, I don't think it can be fixed.

Ok. Brief update:

I've been dealing with multiple issues, both physical and emotional. As a result, my ability, as well as drive to do anything creative has been lacking. I haven't even been regularly posting on my blog. But thanks to friends like Seht and Kendo, as well as Drakkon and DellarDragon, my creativity is returning. Details to follow.

Well, thanks to a screwup at my hosting provider, my blog has been deleted off my server. I so want to cry now.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
First name: Greek, Middle Name: Grandfather

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
A few weeks ago

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
No. That's why I use a computer!

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Turkey

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Nope.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Probably. Most of the time I'm pretty good

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Fluent, but don't like to show off

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yeah

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Probably not, considering some of the injuries I've sustained over the years.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Corn Chex with bananas and honey

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No. I rarely wear shoes with laces.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
No. I wish I was. Need to work out

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Chocolate

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
How they act towards others

15. RED OR PINK?
Pink

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My insecurity

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My Aunt Caroly

18. HOW DO YOU SLEEP?
On my side, with a body pillow between my legs

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Right now, am barefoot

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Roast beef and turkey sandwich, with some leftover Frito Pie from Hard Times

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Silence, and computer noise

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Forest Green

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Fresh baked bread

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My grandmother

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
Beach House

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
If I watch sports, usually NCAA Basketball

27. HAIR COLOR?
Brown

28. EYE COLOR?
Brown

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Pizza

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Lately, it's been scary movies

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Sinister

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Light brown turtleneck

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Can't I have both?

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
French silk pie

37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
Cardio

38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
Computer.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Been a while since I've read for pleasure. Mostly read game strategy guides

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Mouse pad? I have a trackball mouse

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
The little sqee noise my partner makes when he's happy

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Cozumel, Mexico

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Haven't really thought about it. Guess my ability to guess artist and title from muzak

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Oswego, NY

47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
Woodbridge, VA

48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?
Blue and white Gingerbread

49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?
Don't have one

50. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 50 QUESTIONS?
Have enjoyed doing this

Ok. Well one of my projects for this new year was to start a blog/journal. I set up a WordPress blog on my personal site and it's now up and running. Please follow my updates on the following site:

http://virginiabear.rogalcvora.net/

I will try to publish regular journals on there.

Well, another job offer fell through, which means I'm still unemployed without any aid. It's really discouraging me to even seek work now. I want to work in the IT field, but I need to expand my skillset. To expand my skill set I need education and training which costs money. Since I don't have money, I need a job to pay for the training and education to get me a job.

*flops down and sobs*

I don't know what to do anymore. At this point, I want to run away, lock myself in and cry. Bout the only good thing that has happened is my state refund check came in and I'm going to be buying a 3DS. Other than that, not sure.

Under normal circumstances, I would have a nice calm post, but unfortunately, this is not one of those times. One of my New Year's resolutions is to not hold anythign back. For the most part, I am empathic and sympathetic. More recently, my disgust for current events is making that rather difficult. So in 2013, I'm fucking done with it. I'm going to say what's on my mind. If that upsets you, feel free to tell me why it upsets you and I will probably apologize, if I'm in a good mood.

Life is just too short for me to go pussy footing around anymore. It's been tiring and it's caused me nothing but grief.

More recently, my partner and I went through a rough patch (not relationship) but job and financial wise. Long story short, we're getting evicted out of the place we currently rent. I had made a few calls and online requests to individuals I thought were my friends. One of those that responded refused and gave the reason why, stating some really nasty (not sexually, but personal) things about my partner. I in no uncertian terms, told the "friend" to f'off and that if that was the attitude they were going to take, I didn't need them as a friend. (Mind you, I'm known this person a hell of a long time and we have worked together on several occasions!) Another friend who responded, was also not happy with my partner, but still offered.

Why in our society are we still hung up on this PC crap? Because it really is crap. We come up with excuses for being nice to people we don't like just because they might get their feelings hurt. (Now in some circumstances, being PC is perfectly acceptable, especially when it is directed at someone who cannot defend themselves, like children or those with physical or mental disabilities.) The whole PC thing has turned our society into a lawsuit happy, give me money because you hurt me emotionally and I'm fucking sick and tired of it.

Ok. So here is the deal that I am making with all of those who watch me. I will give respect and honesty at all times. If this is a problem, ask yourself very simply if you wish to continue being my friend. If not, let me know and drop yourself off my watch list, instant message or social networking site. I'll understand. If you have an issue with who I choose to be with, let me know first and I will then have you contact my partner. If you wish to "punish" me because who I choose to be with, do us both a favor and fuck off! If you can agree to the terms, I would expect honesty and respect from you as well and things will continue to move forward like they are doing now.


If you wish to comment on this post with your thoughts, please do so. Comments must be inciteful and respectful, like I just stated above. Failure to do so will just piss me off, and I really don't want to go there.

Pulled this off of sirkain's page. Will be tweaking it though.


1) Tell you something I learned about you by looking at your FA page for 10 seconds.
2) Tell you a color/colour you remind me of.
3) Ask you a question.
4) Tell you something I like about you.
5) Tell you the object that is in front of me.
6) Ask that you to do this yourself in your own journal!

If you watch me, I NEED YOUR INPUT on this.

Ok. I'm going to put this out because I need to get some input on this. Hypothetical situation: You live in a house with 4 others. Three of them are unemployed due to unforseen downsizing and are unable to make rent. They keep their private areas well maintained, as well as the common areas. One of those 4 is rather stout and has caused damage to both private and public areas, but is able to pay rent.

Your input on this is required for the following question. Please provide a justification for your answer. Question: Based upon the above situation, who should be kicked out of the house and why?

And his mate and I liked it!

Well, I'm broken down and joined LiveJournal. I will occasionally post things on here, but most of the time, I'll be posting to the following:

http://rogal-c-vora.livejournal.com/ Rogal The bear's Live Jornal

In the last few days, while dealing with my recent bout of unemployment, I've gotten a crafting bug. I went through and decided to do some framing work (Pictures, not construction!)

My current art pieces:
 Blotch "Ursa Major" https://www.furaffinity.net/view/8005052/
Dali "Persistence of Memory" (The melting clocks) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Pe.....ence_of_Memory
Escher "Relativity" http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikiped.....Relativity.jpg

Framing the Escher was an absolute bitch. It was glued onto a plastic matte and in a large from like 24"*30", so there was a lot of white space. After measuring to determine what size frame I would need, i discovered that the image was not centered. It was offset by about 1/4" on each side, which means TOTAL CUSTOM framing job. If you know, those can be an absolute drain on the wallet.

Loading up the print in the car and heading down to the local Micheal's crafts, I remeasured and was able to come up with a solution. The print would be a true 19"19" print. Since that's not a standard size, I used the kits that allot you to custom make your own frames. I would need a piece of glass cut (Which cost me about $30!). I also got a basic frame and matte for the Blotch print.

Got the matte cut for the Escher and mounted, but the matte knife i was using sucked, so it looks like I'm going to have to redo it. Luckily I bought a huge matte and still have enough to not only redo the Escher, but to matte the Dali as well.

Had to go back today to get a piece of glass for the Dali and to pick up a better matte knife. The Dali and the Blotch look amazing and will go above my desk . The Escher will be above the TV. I posted links in my list so you can see what I'm talking about.



For those wondering, my sunburn is healing up quite well, the pain is just about gone now.

Well, thanks to a glaring side effect of one of the meds I am, this bear got sunburned pretty bad while lounging at a local swimming pool this afternoon. Basically, the entire top half of my body received a pretty hefty burn after being out in the sun for only 2 hours. My wonderful dragon (after receiving a little bit of ribbing from him) rubbed a liberal amount of aloe vera with lidocaine all over my shoulders, neck and arms after I took a cold shower to cool down. (My skin was apparently radiating heat in the affected areas.)

I've taken some ibuprofen, had a nice dinner, and am sitting at my computer trying to maintain consciousness. I assure you, I am ok. Minor bit of sun poisoning. I should be ok in a few days.

BTW- To make matters worse, the employment contract I was working, was cancelled without any warning last Thursday afternoon, so it looks like I'm an unemployed bear again.

Ok, I am finally saying something. Recently, the artist team known as Blotch just posted a print called "Ursa Major." If you follow Blotch you have probably seen it. Being a bear, the image really spoke to me and I decided to buy it.

This is probably the first time I have ever bought any furry art online and especially from such a talented artist. My tastes in art generally go from Dali to Modrian.

Can't wait to get the print! Now all I have to do is find a nice frame and get a matte that complements the print.

Cold snowy evening
Belly Full of Good Chinese
Time with dragon good