Yesterday's journal was mentioned on less than sane terms but then again I wonder if I'm ever sane. But don't take that as me trying to shift the blame from anyone but myself, I fucked up, I'll admit that, I'll try not to repeat mistakes but, I'm human.

Chances are I'll do it again, and again.

Anyhoot, anyone who's even wondering or asking why Net Neutrality is so god-damn important, this link may clear up some things (and may be also unsettling).

https://netneutrality.internetassoc.....on.org/action/

But the long story short is that if Net Neutrality is taken away, it woun't stop major companies, that already have a major stake in things, to more or fuck the internet to their own ends.

I feel pessimistic sometimes because I wonder if there's enough people to know and understand and to speak up about it. Sometimes I feel like trying to fight about this in my own way feels pointless. It surely felt that way given what went down May 18th, then again...

I'd rather go down swinging than with a whimper.

 marbles is hosting a stream in regards to net Neutrality, it's winding down but give it a watch maybe.

https://www.twitch.tv/twitchtail

And well...that's it out of me for now.

I'm still breathing, barely. I can't say May and June were fun months, More so with May.

I can't say I've recovered much if at all from either one and other crap, but at least I'm still breathing. Far as art goes, I'm not sure what to really promise, since it seems like far as my family goes, I'm more useful for labor than anything I can offer artwise far as the what has to be done.

But one thing that has been hanging over my head, has been the whole issue with net Neutrality in peril and how ...I wonder if anything will be done about it. To be frank, much as I'd want to cover what's been going on, I'm sadly in a state where I should be trying to focus more on what's in front of me and get somewhere before I can really worry about other crap.

I want to hope that those who can, are able to do something about it, and try to fight for it in what ways they can. I've already sent a few letters and phone calls to my local politicians, among other things. But I feel like until things can somehow be secured far as Net Neutrality goes, I'm feeling rather pessimistic about things.

I want to be optimistic but I feel like I'm setting myself up for dissapointment and heartache, to say nothing how it feels like things may get even more fucked, but ...lets see.

And maybe lets take some action. I'd elaborate and rant more but I wonder if anyone would even bother reading my wall of text.

...I wonder if anyone even around here knows or even is aware of what may be going on. I say what may be, because to be honest, between being 'asked' to take care of a LOT of family related things and what's going on with the FCC far as Net Neutralty and what anyone is trying to do about it, I can't say I'm terribly optimistic.

Matter of fact, I wonder if there's even a point to do anything about it. Maybe that's the defeatist in me that needs to be put aside. I would have made a more mature journal but I didn't want to leave this hanging either.

I wish I had more to say but frankly I just feel beaten down, defeated and helpless. Maybe things will turn around, but I'll believe it when it happens.

EDIT: maybe this may get a point across if we do hit a worse case scenario...

I want to make that an IF and not a when...

http://jointhefastlane.com/

I hate making these journals, but I feel like I should say this to as many people as I can.

Even though I feel like I'm just wasting my time because the FCC head may just do what he wants, regardless of how much anyone else says to the contrary, or try to paint those in support of Net Neutrality as anything other than sane, rational people.

I would try to describe things better but between house duties and this situation, I don't consider myself in a proper state of mind to say this in my own words (then again one could state that me doing this journal right now would be ill-advised as well but fuck...we're out of time).

The long and short of it is that the head of the FCC wants to do away with Net Neutrality, which has (to some extent) kept a level playing field on the internet. If that is removed, it's only a matter of time until major companies decide to do what they want, on their terms, in a fashion that will be to a major disadvantage to anyone or any company that isn't among the major ones.

Far as what can actually be done; depends on what one would consider what may have an effect.

One suggestion is to contact your congressional representative, be it phone, E-mail or slow-mail. Another is to try and contact the FCC yourself.

John oliver, after his show last week, had this site up
https://www.gofccyourself.com/

Although he's advising now to send your comments tomorrow on the 18th. My advice is to voice your opinions on the matter in a sane, respectful manner.

There are other options including supporting those whom actually fight for your rights. I'd link them but to be honest, I'm not sure how far I want to push this.

Infact to be very honest..

I feel like what I or anyone else will say in the manner so far as wanting to keep Net Neutrality will be ignored and this bullshit will be pushed through in some attempt to make live all the more hellish for many a person.

I feel like I may as well not fucking bother...

But I'm still trying, I've sent E-mails, I've phoned people, and I'm trying to spread news around.

But I feel like it's all pointless...

Is it?...that's not even a rhetorical...should I keep fighting in what ways I can? ...should anyone?

Or should I just expect things to get worse before the end...

Most I'm going to say about what's been going on with my life as of late...

and yes I will stay this vague for however long I can stand it.

https://youtu.be/YOyvDRxK--o

Something I should have said years ago is thanks to everyone who's faved and commented on my stuff. It does mean quite a lot.

My at times silence is a result of a bunch of things that I've long decided to not talk about here less something else changes.

That being said, sometimes it feels like I'm just bashing my skull against a wall far as pushing myself to actually get somewhere with my artwork but, again, bitching for another place.

I breathe...for now.

I'm still breathing, nothing else to report.

There's a lot I wanna say but I think I'll simply for now state that I'm still breathing. Also, this video...I'm sure some of us have felt like this from time to time.

https://youtu.be/Bm550FcIs3g

Rather than open your mouth and remove all doubt.

I want to say more but for right now, I'm unsure what to really say besides the fact I haven't died yet.

No idea on any art coming in or not, I'm dealing with things, I think I'll no longer elaborate here or anywhere why that is. No fucking point untill I find a real reason otherwise.

That's it.

I'm going to try and stream again.

I'll be experimenting and well, lets see how this turns out. I'll try to go at least an hour.

https://picarto.tv/Rossriders

something of a 'fuck it's stream given how my life has been going...been wondering if I should even bother because trying to do something a simple as having a schedule has proven impossible for the time being.

So... I'm simply going to try and stream even if nobody shows up so...here we go.

https://picarto.tv/Rossriders

So to start off, Kacifox needs some help,  KaciFox to be specific, she and her partner need help with caring for some kittens since they were separated from their mom.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7768899/ This journal for details.

Number two, Kino Jaggernov's  kinojaggernov pet project needs funding for just four more pages.

See here, http://www.furaffinity.net/view/20910714/ as well as her front page.

I'd like to see it finish...I've put in what I could for what it's worth.

And as for me...

we'll I'm still drawing breath.

I'd go for more details but for now I'll simply say that I'm holding onto my sanity, and what good things I can like.

Hopefully not abusing them in the process...nor having them taken away from me on a whim either.

So that said, take care peoples.

Okay...lets see if I don't screw this up.



For those who don't know, Kino Jaggerov  Kinojaggernov needs help with funding for 'The Pet project' comic.

The first page of which you can view here - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/14403910.

As for why she needs help, I feel like that's better explained at this link for page 12.
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/20524559/

But the long story short of it is that she needs funds and any donation would be appreciated. To be honest, she'll need all the help she can get, and it would be a shame for her project to have to be canceled cause...she's fucking amazing to put it mildly.

So if you can spare some money, it would be very helpful for her.

I'm both tired yet unable to sleep, and well, gonna try to see if I can do something in record time. Maybe not suck while I'm at it.

https://picarto.tv/Rossriders

So...still trying to do this schedule thing that keeps being knee-caped, before being Mozambique drilled for added measure.

About an hour from this posting.

https://picarto.tv/Rossriders

Though before I get to that

Might be a good idea to check out Kino Jaggernov  kinojaggernov and Lei-lani  lei-lani on the Pet project they've been at for sometime.

That aside...rambling ahead that'll make no fucking sense.

With my luck of how I say things, I'll probably sound nothing like what I intended if the past is of any indication, no matter my conscious efforts.

Then again I'm a fucking nutcase at this stage...and it's only getting worse.

anyway

In spite of being fully aware that different people have different responses to something that may be one and the same, and how what works for one could backfire for another and then some, I'm asking to anyone who answers this question;

What (if anything) keeps you going? What do you do or something to try and keep at it with art when possible, even in the face of say, an utter feeling of hopelessness?

Because given my situation at home, details of which I'm still at doubt of revealing anymore, I've been pushed to a point where I wonder why the fuck I even bother sometimes.

And I suppose one way to try and explain it, is that my situation is such that trying to learn, or relearn things is undone. Why is that something will come up at home that requires nothing less than my full attention, and afterwards my will to do anything else is destroyed and I can't even bother for anywhere from a few days (where such things repeat) to months, or in one shitty situation, up to a year.

If this were 10 years ago it would be one thing.

But it's been happening among other things including today to such a point that it's a wonder I haven't just given up with everything.

Because it's not like I'm unwilling to take steps to learn things, but it pisses me off that I more or less have to restart from fucking scratch so many times it's worn me rather out.

Of course I need a change of my situation but long story short, my efforts have been rendered null and void numerous times.

So...I'm asking;

How does anyone here find some kind of will or means or something to try and keep at it?

And again, I realize fully that this may do percisely NOTHING for me...but I'm going to ask anyway becuase I've already plenty of decisions that backfired on me so why not one more?

I'll be honest, I'm not feeling so well, and given some things as of today I'm wondering why the fuck I bother with anything.

but...I'm sick and tired of my plans being derailed but I'm wondering how much longer I can even try doing this...but...let's see.


EDIT
Nvermind...tried to go...can't...maybe another time..

Gonna be streaming for a while, SFW for now, may shift to NSFW but don't count on it.

https://picarto.tv/Rossriders

.I had another journal in mind but maybe another time...or...never...

Anyway, if you can, check out  kinojaggernov and  lei-lani, artist and writer respectively. Right now they're working on a comic project and it would probably help if you donate if possible.

Failing at, at least see if you can stop by Kino's streams when possible perhaps.

That's all I Can say for now.

Bitching and moaning will follow in time (or not).

For what it's worth, my heart does go out to the victims of this act of terrorism.

I want to rant and rave about this but apart from what I may or may not say in journal replies, I've decided to not speak much about it.

Because I don't want to give the fucker responsible any more attention than that thing already has gotten. I'm not religious much but may that clump of fecal matter ROT IN HELL.

...

I'm hoping I can make a more level headed journal but don't hold your breath.

I'm still breathing, and I'd say more but I'll ramble on and on. Maybe another time...like fucking never.

Or when I can't hold it in, post rambling and regret it later, such as what I'm writing right now.

But I'm still alive, still behind as fuck on my end of art trades of gifts, as I try once more to get into some kind of productive art groove, as I'm derailed by one thing or another far outside my control.

I have gotten rather sick and tired of it all, and have been taking steps in response to such, and one such is me trying to establish some kind of art practice scheduling so I can honeslty actually make some legit progress, rather than being set back several steps...year after fucking year after a decade and a half.

So I'm going to say I'm going to TRY this but don't be surpirsed if this plan falls flat like very fucking thing else I try.

I want to be optimistic but the reality is I'm a bitter, jaded, cynical, person with so much pent up rage, bile, anger and fury that it's a wonder I haven't become a complete asshole if only because I try (and fail) to be a decent human being.

So, lets see how I fuck up this time.

Right now, doing a simple test stream. No idea if I'll be doing these on a regular basis. We'll see.

https://picarto.tv/Rossriders

I wanted to ramble about FA and such but for now I'll simply say, I'm sticking around.

Although to be honest for a long while, I have been considering an attempt to be active on other places in addition to here. Maybe people will stay at FA, maybe not.

It's far from an ideal place but for the time being is the biggest of furry websites. On some end I do wish measures were taken to make things harder for those whom want to fuck around with malicious intent. Even though on some end it isn't certainty.

Much as I'd like to be critical on FA and FA alone, I can't ignore the person or persons directly responsible for the crap as of late. Some people really must have it in for FA to do what they did.

I Would love to speculate as to how or why but outside what I know and what I don't, I can't really say without any kind of credibility outside of some attempt to kill this website for whatever reasons there may be.

I know some may say it's stupid to have your eggs in one basket and while that's true on one end, on another, how many people legit go to places elsewhere?

Maybe that'll change, maybe not...I'd prefer the wait and see what actually goes down. THEN we can talk about how this or that was certain after this ...fuckup.

But for now...in spite of things I'm sticking around. Lets see what goes down from here.

I've been trying (and failing) to refrain from liberal swearing and to simply speak what I can in a far more refined and dignified fashion even if I may come off as aggressive, I'm forgoing that for now.

So anyone who dosen't want swearing, stop reading.

But before that...

Check these two out, Lei-Lani  lei-lani and Kino Jaggernov  kinojaggernov , a great writer and artist respectively, they may have some good things worth your while.


Back to me...

So yeah, sometime in March I had to visit the hospital,

I wish I could bring up details but I'm still at an utter loss as how to honestly explain what happened or why.

I can only say is that, I haven't even started to honestly recover from it given what other things I'm dealing with.

I'm discouraged from even saying much because I've more or less been convinced I'm simply bitching and moaning and I need to shut my fucking mouth about it.

But I'm trying to bother becuase for anyone who even still wonders why I've been a ghost with some exceptions (such as streams) at least something of an explanation.

Not to mention..

I want to give comissions a shot but it's very clear that while I will go for and stick to a plan of me doing the art first and then when it's finished and presented, then I'll accept payment, which is not an ideal plan but to be blunt, it's going to be YEARS before I can honeslty consider a different plan altogether.

May be shorter than that...but outside cars I still fucking suck, not that I've been doing fuck all this whole time.

But I'm going to try and do this all over again, and maybe not fuck up.

But with how life can suddenly demand my full attention elsewhere because real FUCKING life.

Fuck it...lets see how I try to not fuck up this attempt at commissions.


...I'm starting to accept that for much as I want to keep my emotions in check, there's a lot to let out. Maybe when I can draw worth a damn I can show it in art more, if so, don't be surpirsed to see some things with gore, and as for what?

Here's an obvious hint for some ...

'Yes...I do like hurting other people.'

I've been wanting to stream...and I wanted to plan such streams and adhere to a schedule.

But given how my life is a.t.m. and how things can go...


I figure, fuck it, I'll stream whenever, whom ever arrives, arrives. Whomever does not...dosen't

I wanted to do this when things were more calmer and such but that's never going to fucking ever happen so fuck it, we're doing it live.

Fuck it...

https://join.me/342-602-557



again, check out Lei-Lani  lei-lani and Kino Jaggernov  kinojaggernov , a great writer and artist respectively.