I've been trying to find a way to write out how...I've been, more so having been hospitalized over a month ago but frankly I keep failing to ..make it make sense.

Till then...here's something else.

While Need For speed has been DEAD to me and Ridge Racer has seen better days...this still left a small smile on my face.

https://youtu.be/3D1OTq0PhEE

Also, again, check out Lei-Lani  lei-lani and Kino Jaggernov  kinojaggernov , a great writer and artist respectively.

Later

But before that, again, feel free to Check out Lei Lani  lei-lani and Kino Jaggernov  kinojaggernov as they are both worth checking out.

I had a longer ramble but I think I'll simply leave this for now.

https://youtu.be/npJt_8nmadA

For starters, if you haven't seen her already, check out Lei-Lani  lei-lani who's a very good writer, and a joyfull otter.

unfortunately she is in a rather bad situation to put it midly, here's some links to give some context.

A TL: DR play by play of accounts
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7460410/

and also her most recent journal as of writing/posting this
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7488475/

But if you for whatever reason can't view the journals, the long story short of it is that she needs $20,000 (right now that's down to $12,000 but still, a ways to go) to keep her home.

I wish I had more to say...and I wish I could do more to help...

Why I can't is a ramble for another time and place. So for now, at least take a look.

One other artist to mention is Kino Jaggernov  kinojaggernov who's art caliber far ...far far...eclipses mine (then again who isn't a better artist than me?), who's to say the least, a determinator, and I think could at least be checked out a bit.

What's her art? Well of a furry nature but, nothing (too) insane or out there. Feel free to take a look at her stuff as well.

As for me...another time, another journal entry.

I was hoping I'd be in a better state of mind for these kinds of things but part of me has accepted that until some major changes happen in my life, until what efforts I'm doing so bear fruit...

I'm stuck in a situation to which has ...worn me down to a heavy extent.

To the point that even 2nd hand hearings of Dawn of Justice's reviews has pushed me past the 3rd breaking point after I was pushed past the first 2 yesterday.

Again...I've gotten help but...I dunno.

I wondered if I should say nothing or say something...

I wanted to at least mention I haven't yet died...which is sadly more than what I can say for some people who's deaths I haven't recovered from...

and I'm only imaging those far closer to the deceased are feeling.

I'm trying...been working on art bit by bit but...it'll be a while.

I simply don't know when...

Maybe I'll have something better to report next friday, but being cynical as I am, I doubt it.

So if so...that would be a nice surprise, for once...

Figured I'd do a little bit of promoting for what it's worth, fellow artist  honeebunny is having a stream as of right now, go take a look.

https://www.twitch.tv/honeebunny

As for other stuff...another time. ...

Soon enough...

Still around...still haven't gotten back into much an art groove. Best news I can give is that I decided to finally give Clip Studio Paint a go after buying it some months ago.

So far I'm liking what I'm seeing but there's till time I need to better at.

I'd ramble more but another time...

Apart from that maybe I'm too old school, too closed minded, something...and I need to dig deeper but a lot of what...passes for 'rap' to me makes me ...sick.

Granted Christopher Wallace wasn't exactly a role model but...fuck if he can't make a few good raps that in some vein is still sadly relevant years later.

And having some depth that's not surface level bullshit, but then again maybe I could give some contemporary stuff a try...

Much as I fucking can't stand the instrumentals for most of them...


https://youtu.be/rdciOXroU9o

-sighs-...

Someday I'll be posting a journal that is of a positive note, someday...

Not today...

I'll try to say this best I can but me being me, I will fuck up...

BEcuase I can't convey feelings to save my life...

I find out this morning that Damn Evil Dog has passed on...and it hurts quite a lot

I can only imagine what his friends and family are going through

Then again having lost people in my own family, I may not have to imagine much.

I had been aware of his health condition, but I had hoped against all that he would be able to pull through and make some kind of recovery. But ...no.

I wonder if I can say I was his friend, I had talked with him more than thrice on streams, but I suppose I never tried to go further than that becuase...

Becuase given how I can be a buzzkill, I didn't want to bring his mood down, and I can only be happy when legit, so when I did see him happy, I was happy.

He was someone whom in spite of what he had been facing, tried and did his best to presist, that and knowing more of what he had been going through.

I didn't want to bring his mood down...I wanted him to be happy, even though I had contributed percisely fuck-all

I'm sure how to express how I feel really...seems like I just screw up...

I'll simply say for now...

For all his friends and family, you have my sympathies and condolences for what they're worth...DeD...I hope you're at peace now...

...-sighs-

I can't help but think I'm weird for considering this song among others with my mood...

https://youtu.be/mCikIkXslP0

I don't know frankly what to say that has not been said already.

My condolences to everyone in Paris, to those affected, to everybody...

I want to say more but I don't know how to say it without screwing up.

I feel terrible for every victim in these attacks, and I can only imagine what it will be like for those who've survived, to say nothing about so many lives taken away without reason (far as I am concerned).

...I'd say more, but then I'd be in a fit of rage...

Later...

That being I still breathe...but there isn't much else to say outside a long winded rant I don't think I'm going to bring up here.

I'm just going to leave a link to a Song from Doujah Raze and Hiroshi Yamaguchi from Anarchy Reigns/Max Anarchy...

Lets say this song express how I feel (among other emoitions)...though I could post 3 or 4 more as well...

https://youtu.be/RYoTV1fkrD4


Later people...

I wanted to make something more elaborate and in depth but I'll just get right down to what has been going on for a while.

Long story short -... my personal life has been...hellish, exhausting and a drain. Every time I try to write these things I'm either too rage prone or just exhausted, even if notes are made in advance about a topic...I seldom follow through.

So failing all that...I'm still here, though I'm getting a bit tired of saying something along the lines of 'I'm not back yet but I'll be there'. I just wonder if I'm actually being tired of it myself or because of past life expeirences and how others have reacted when I say such things no matter my sincerity or honesty.

I had a plan to post stuff once I got back into an artist groove but because that is simply not going to be a thing until there's drastic changes (such as me not being so ...broken), so I'm going to post up what I can when I can...and go from there.

Anything else...I'll get to when I can.

I want to talk about what's been going on as of late, and I wanted to write something at least on a mixed note tonight.

But instead I'm speaking on what happened last night, from a result of yesterday's race at Pocono Raceway for the Indy Car series.

To my memory I had said next to nothing in regards to the passing of Dan Wheldon nor Marco Simochelli among other fatalties that year.

Besides dealing with college, and having then and to a degree now stuck with a mindset for how people can discuss and 'debate' things online, I felt then and still to a sad degree now felt it best to stay out less I'm 'ready' to speak on points from start to finish.

That isn't to say I'm going to ignore or disregard what others say if they're different from what I may think...it's a habit of mine or something to that effect for why I still try to consider what others have in mind, along with what I might be thinking. I may change my views to some degree depending on what else is said...


But I suppose another major reason is an issue of anger and rage that was never resolved then and came roaring back last night.

I can't get what I want to say out in a coherient, abridged fashion. At least the more rage prone points...so I'll say this much for now...

Even in spite of what changes had already been done or were in place in the upcoming years, both in reaction to and to prevent accidents, injuries and fatalities...

Even in spite of how a deticated medical crew @ the Indy 500, their response timing and their knowledge and familiarty with the drivers, was a major factor to James Hinchcliffe's surival and current recovery...there's always room for ways to make things safer.

I hope something can be done to make something like what happened less likely, but a problem is just how to actually, successful implement changes that can actually work.

I really don't know what to say, some say it was a freak accident, some say such a phrase is way too overused, maybe more should have been done for the car (in spite of again what changes Dallara kept making to the DW12 in light of accidents)...

We'll see what'll actually be done...I'm staying outside any discussion or debate if I can help it...

The other thing I wanted to talk about a week earlier, was in regards to Tony Stewart and Kevin Ward Jr.

It's been over a year since that accident, and honeslty it's one of the few cases where I know as much as I could reasonably know (apart from getting into a sprint car), before and after this accident...

And my view as I came to a conclusion then and now was, as tragic as that accident was, had Kevin ward stayed out of the car, he would have not died that night.

I thought about giving Tony Stewart some of the blame but considering all evidence pointed to the fact he could NOT HAVE SEEN HIM UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, there was for all intent and purpose nothing he could have done.

For a number of people, you may have an viewpoint that this may absolve him of guilt...I'm not in his head, but if a similiar accident were to happen with me, and even with the knowledge that it wasn't my fault and nothing could have been done...

I still would be guilt ridden, ...fuck...I'd be feeling damned, becuase think about it...

It would have been one thing if I could have done something to prevent it, which in itself is a can of worms, but in this case, knowing I could have not done anything, that I was powerless in the hands of 'fate'...

Again, Tony is many things but he's also shown several times that he's more of a jerk with a heart of gold than a jerkass...

Say what you will...he donated his plane to the Wilson family so they could see him prior to his passing...

I'm tryin to hold sympathy for the Ward family but given the recent lawsuit...I'm finding that diffcult.

We'll see what happens...

...I think I'll talk about what's going on with me once I have a more clear head...if that ever happens.

and everything is (not at all) fine (at fucking all...

TD:DR version because some people hate walls of text

Turns out I did have internet but I didn't want to count my chickens before they hatched. I wanted to use this time to recover and get some ground but that hasn't happened.

I'm still screwed up over a bunch of things and thsi Orphan works act and mass digizatlion with skechy search results is not helping my mood one bit.

If things go bad I may have to pull EVERYTHING but I don't want that and I'm sending my my two cents to the copyright office and elsewhere for what it's worth.

I'm still not dead (yet)


the longer, more ramble prone, comprehensive version for actual details

I want to say 'I'm back'

But honeslty, I don't think I am, sure I've been fighting to get back into a drawing groove, though also just uncertain and just uneasy about things including a would be career choice.

But I'm getting ahead of myself so let me talk about what I brought up earlier, my internet connection concern.
In the later days of June I was lead to believe that my net service would be out for July because I could not aid in my parents to foot the bill (on top of the cash I already have to contribute to help on a monhtly basis). I was afraid to ask if this would be the case the day I posted my previous journal but at that time and even today, I'm rather mentally fragile to a point that I needed time and space to 'recover'.

To someone outside this sounds like exaggeration or making a mountain out of a molehill, I've unfornattely given this impression to others in spite of attempts othewise, but my case is not helped by being absolutely specific about everything going on with me or others. Even if I could, a typical 'well I've had it worse so you can manage' or appeal to worse problems would be said in attempt for me to 'keep things in persepctive' to try and move on regardless, or at least carry on just long enough to get to a better state of being in some way or ways. Or something else I'll miss.

For some, this will sound like I'm too self centered, that I don't care for other people's problems or somehow because my problems affect me direclty, I'm not going to give a damn about anyone else, be it then, now or at any point in the future.

That's largely untrue, yet given a conversation I had months ago, when one mentioned about relatives they can't help in an area under siege by ethntic clension and my failure to convey emphty over it, I've been wondering if I'm better off just being a selfish fuck in spite of any and all evidence to the contrary.

But that's just it, I'm still insecure to a point that I'm dependant for approval from others, maybe not to an insane degree but enough given my still lack of confidence in myself. Although it isn't as if I'm sitting on my ass doing fuck all.

I'm honeslty worn out, between my situation at home, work and overall a bit of a crisis with my would be career choices...it's a wonder I've not lost it.

Last week, I've had issues with my computer which on top of other things, I've decided to at the very least, get a new laptop. I'd go for a desktop but given my non-existant budget, I'd have to be rendered more broke than usual, so I'm going for something that will suit my needs for now and hopefully till I can get better equipment. Not just for a vareity of tasks but also art related as well.

I suppose to touch back on the internet issue, turned out I did have net service but given things, I was afraid to ask. I still wanted to use part of the month at least as some kind of 'break' or hiatus (more than I already do here), to try and regather myself more to come back and actually be productive for reasons.

Including geting to far long overdue comissions and trades.

But even that has been half a failure given what amount of other problems...

And then I find out last saturday about The Oprhan Works act for 2015

Honeslty when I stumbled on that YT video, I was to a degree ...weary

You get tired of videos with seeimgly 'we're going to be fucked, prepare your ass' things with any number of subjects, regardless of what truth they have...I wasn't in a hurry to watch it or look it up.

But then I did.

Finding actual concise and consluive documentation is not so straitfoward. the most concrete things seeimgly are from the US copyright office with it's most recent case actually dated June this year. If what rambings on tumblr are to be taken without a grain of salt, those who want the act and mass digitlization to go through are doing their damnest to be sure people are uninformed and finding information to be difficult.

One other thing for me to note is that I don't like those kinds of things usually because they seem to suggest you can do exaclty 'fuck all' about it. Though to be dead honest, sending a letter to the Copyrigth office on some level feels like an effort in futlity...much like voting (at least on a national level...local voting actually counts)...

But I'm doing it anyway because I want to at least give a voice even if it's lost in a fucking sea of them.

So yeah...I'm 'back' but given how things may turn out, I'm not even halfway optimstiic or 1 quater.

If things turn out as some expect (and from what I've read of the 234 page monster propsotion/bill/whatever the fuck to call it)...I would hate to but I would see no better opption than to pull every piece of art I have off all my galleries.

I don't want to do that, I don't want others to do that, I...I frankly don't know.

Could all be bullshit, could be real...I'm trying not to think about it but that's easier said than done...this feels like late 2011 during the SOPA nonesense all over agin...where I had to 'dig in' to work on my art assignments. Partially cause they needed to be done but also because I hate bullshitting, I could have 'coasted' to a C or D but I have a thing called work ethic and the sin of pride.

But that's more or less my rambling of my situation longhand.

So what now?

I'm going to post a draft to one comissioner to see where to go with it, beyond that...we'll see.


edit

Okay, that whole Orphan acts work may or may not be as true as stated, I probably screwed up in judgement...woun't be the last time no matter what I do.

I'm still ...just...scatterbrained, not that such is ever an excuse.

We'll see what happens.

Granted I'm more or less a ghost on here anyway until things change, but from july until things change, I may not have internet access...so to anyone who even wants to contact me, keep in mind, I'll even be more delayed than usual.

We'll see...I'm hoping it wount be so but, we'll see.

But ...again it feels like I'm making nothing but excuses for my lack of activity for... a while.

Outside what comments I do leave, I've been a rather quiet guy, and my reasons are many. I might have said this in a prior journal, but a number of experiences, and decisions have led me to really speak about my problems to elsewhere.

Yet I do feel I need to give some explanation, especially to anyone still waiting on me for a commission (sure I haven't accepted the cash but it's the fucking principle, or maybe I'm just nuts), or an art trade on my end.

As best I can say without giving much into my life, I've been repeatedly put in situations where it's either difficult or outright impossible for me to practice my art on a consistent, and regular enough basis for me to post things, even for scraps. Furthermore, I am dealing with some inner demons, and few things have given me levity or at least enough relief for me to try to honestly step back and see what I can actually do about my problems.

What I can't do about them has only infuriated me...and it must say something about me that a game like Hotline Miami (2 in particular) can at times calm me down enough to step back and maybe try to do what I can...or at least not be consumed in some kind of negative emoition if not several.

It's been an uphill mountain, and ...I'm struggling

Sometimes that mountain has an avalanche, be it of loose rocks or snow/ice...things that affect me in such a way that...I can't function much for some time.

Sometimes I've felt like giving up...I'm trying to keep moving,....or at least, trying to stay sane...

I want to promise more art...but I can't say until it happens, I don't like to promise or give hype because I can't say till I actually do something, I don't have that confidence yet and even if I did, I'd hold any reservation till I actually post stuff...if I ever do again.

We'll see as always...for what it's worth, I have been at least trying to work on things, but until I can be on a consistent basis, where at worse, I'm doing one thing per week and at best, maybe at least start on something per day...I don't feel confident enough to post till that happens.

Until then...

I had a longer ramble but...well I guess I can best put a summary that I'm trying to get back on my feet..

But given some of my life situations...I'll believe things are 'stable' once they happen/I make them happen, assuming I'm not done in by factors beyond my control.

That said...one bit of something that's been somewhat helpful in keeping me sane...sorta...

https://youtu.be/uM3TfFXJies

I'm wondering how did I manage to miss this among other things till recently...

Yet...

But my life has not been...easy.

Yes I'm aware this applies to damn near everybody, my particular kind of problems are ones...that have made it difficult to do too much.

And also because part of me is still tied with that whole idea of 'talk is cheap' in spite of what contradictions and BS that can go with in spite of it's good intentions, is one other reason why I haven't spoken much.

Because while there may be some truth to how words can only stand with action, my particular situation means I can't even half-way determine if I'll be able to finally get to work that's far, far overdue. My lack of confidence as of late has done no help either...or rather how it's become more intense.

I say this because if I were to stick to 'talk is cheap' ...which I am, it can result in a lot of silence and next to no real indication as to what's going on with me. Not just because I have some far overdue trades, gifts, and a few commissions (and just to avoid any issues...I've not taken payment, I am one to rather do a commission first and then request payment, not vice versa, I don't feel remotely arrogant, confident and certain to even put that into action, let alone think about it, not to mention too many situations where people have taken money and not done good on their promises)

But also simply because to a degree, communication is important and I can't say I've been very successful in that venture if I may be honest. I don't know if I can change that for the better or not...I'll see if I can at least try (again) but...we'll see won’t we?

Again...have not forgotten about what commissions and other stuff I have due...I want to say it'll be done soon but I can't say until I'm even halfway sure about my art schedule (or there lack of).

Finally...about IMVU...and Fur affinity

To be honest, I don't know where to really stand about it, some are upset, others are apathetic, some have legit concerns, and anything else I'm bound to leave out.

I had been already considering being a bit more active on other websites, while there's no shortage of car art, I might be more noticed elsewhere, but really, for that to happen, that whole communication thing among other tasks. But...lets see how things pan out in that regard.

A bit of ranting and swearing ahead.

I'm still working on things, a comission among them, life has just been to put it lighlty, difficult. I want to put more in details and maybe I will, part of me as I've rambled more than once has been on one end, wanting to rant yet another to just be quiet about what's going on, regardless of whatever propblems I may have.

I may do ...probably not. We'll see. Life's been just making trying to get certain things done impossible no matter what others insist.

But to get back on point, still working on what I can, I just wish it wasn't later than expected but part of me on some end has to on some end accept that until things changed, I'll be stuck doing things at a painfully slow rate.

On another end, I'm rather sick and tired of such, and may have to resort to more selfish means, espeically since it's a sad day when you can't even feel safe in a place you previously thought was at least semi-secure.

Besides that...anyone here play Ultra Street fighter IV on PSN? I ask cause my brother wanted someone to play with (in the physical world) so he got a copy, I try to practice and it's not as if I'm a novice to the series in genera but...

Fucking hell I have a mountain to climb, and to be frank, I'm partially discouraged given all else in life, to say nothing of getting destroyed 7 or 8 times in a row as if didn't know enough how much a novice I am...

And yet others wonder why I'm so brutal in games like Tekken and Soul Calibur...cause when you spend enough YEARS being tossed around, stabbed, shot and so forth in games, at least for me, I have this tendency to when I can, just be as if not more brutal when possible.

But that's a rant for another time.

Lets see if I can actually be more ubpeat next week...probably not...

Fuck January 2015...

Does anyone even read these? maybe I should ...also actually reply when I can

I'll just get the comission part out of the way first, some mild swearing ahead.

I've wanted to try and build my art abilities more and then start to consider being up for doing comissions, but it seems like I'm stuck in a feedback loop and I may as well take a risk to do something different less I continue to fall deeper into a hole.

I'll be upfront, I'm still FAR from being decent with drawing humans/anthros, it dosen't help that while a fellow artist meant well with his words, I'm frankly just not confident enough to try...and rebuilding that confdience will take some time.

I know that cars, espeically on FA is a niche to say the fucking least, but it's what I can do apart from backgrounds. I will be giving an overview of what I can do, via a demostration piece that I hope to post sooner than later, but we'll see.

It hinges a lot on if people are even remotely intrested or not, of course it helps to be a bit more active online. But given my state of mind and how I've been, and past conversations, I've been heavily discouraged to try

But I might try none the less.

We'll see...

I want to note that I haven't forgotten about the art trades I owe others, ...I'm trying to get to it but it's been taking so fucking long, and I feel like an asshole as such...sure life is in the way but that whole 'nothing is an excuse including DEATH' is a mentality I can't quite shake much as it pisses me off at the same time.

...I'm doing what I can even if I'm wanting to break skulls every step of the way.

I was going to post a ranting journal, but who's going to actually read that?

I'll just put a quick summary to say, I'm still depressed, bitter, and angry, try as I may to do what I can. But a constant series of setbacks and reminders about how easy it is for things to go wrong, regardless of what precautions I take, has left me at times wondering why I even fucking try...

"momma told me there be days like this but I'm PISSED, cause it stays like this!' - Tu pac, 'I don't give a fuck'

I know I have not been much of an active person on FA, ...and my reasons are many, including what I've ranted in past journals. But that being said...I want to say I promise to be more active from here on out but that's just it...

I can't promise because it seems like I'm always having to deal with something. So...I'll try to post when I can.

That and I'm wondering if I were to ever do commissions, if anyone would even be willing in spite of my infrequency and ...the fact I still rather SUCK to put it lightly in spite of being at this for 10+ odd years, not counting college classes and additional self taught techniques, and doing my best to persist in spite of so many fucking setbacks.

I suppose as always, time will tell.

I wanted to say a lot but I think I'll just be short and maybe answer questions later...

I'm still angry and bitter, still depressed, and try as I may to 'move on' has not been something I can simply 'do'.

I can't simply 'get over' things and frankly that kind of 'encouragement' only makes me wonder why I don't resort to some kind of violence, outside of reasons such as morality, empathy and restraint.

I want to speak 'happy' things but I can only do so when it's legitmate.

There's a 30% chance I might stream digital art wednesday, but we'll see. With my luck something will be in my way...

I'd say more but, no.

I feel like...it just never stops.

I'd give a preamble but I'll just get right to the point.

Photoshop elements 2.0 on my computer stopped working. I frankly need help in that regard.

I've tried re-installing it and I get nothing but errors. For now I've downloaded and installed a trail version, but it's only going to last for 30 days, it's a temporary fix at best.

While I have the full version with the codes, I don't know how to do a proper registration, if that's even an option.

...I realize it isn't the most coherient or well thought out journal, but given my current issues...I'm wondering if anyone is even able to help to begin with.

...so that's that for now.

I stated in a past journal that to some extent part of me is just feeling like any attemps to explain why I'm at this stage a rather bitter, angry, rotten indvidual seem to be efforts that end in failure...

Usually ending up as me making mountains out of nothing...and to a point I wonder why I don't just curse everybody out I see...since if I'm an uncaring, selfish asshole...well I'll be what they want me to be...as cliche as it sounds, I feel like something of a trope from TV tropes 'then let me be evil'...because it seems like sometimes my attempts and efforts to be positive are either unseen, underplayed or outright ignored, yet mistakes are played up to a point people wonder why I just snap at them...

...I sometimes wonder if I was just a douchebag my whole life and this whole 'nice guy' thing is a facade.

I don't know if I want to bother talking about it to anyone becuase it's also clear i've got miles upon miles of baggae and attempts to sever it are not being successful, nor is flat out ignorning it or trying to bury it in other things.

...and I'm still some 20+ days away from seeing a doctor about what I can say.

and I'm sick and tired of being a negative nancy...if anyone whom wonders why I've been absent from a number of streams, well this rant is one partial explination.

Would anyone here actually bother to hear me out or am I better off just keeping my mouth shut, I'm already assuming the latter...maybe I'll just wait until I'm so angry I'll just...do something.

...

I don't know what to say about what happened over the weekend at Suzuka in F1 over the weekend, there are people who are going to voice their takes on things regardless if they have any basis or facts...much like what happened with Kevin Ward Jr and Tony Stewart over a month ago...

...well I don't know what to say direclty other than this...

While I had my own thoughts and opinions over Las Vegas 2011, and in 10 more days it'll be three years to the day Dan Wheldon's life was claimed at the season finale...what filled me with anger was how for some people, they get at Indy car like it was the most dangerous kind of racing.

Yes there have been fatalities even in the recent years (even if that number is low), and then comapre it to F1...I say to you as Jackie had said a week or so later, a disaster in F1 is just around the corner and the only reason why Roland Ratzenberger and Ayrton Senna da Silva (if you ignore the deaths of what marshals have happended since then, or accidents that eveuntally claimed a life, such as with María de Villota from a testing accident just over a year ago) were the last fatalities was largely due to a push in both safety and management in danger.

I don't know entirely what went down, I don't know if those on the internet commenting really know entirely what went down.

Those at the accident, those in the FIA who are doing an investigation, are likely going to know far more about what happened than we did. Could have been an error on behalf of Jules Bianchi, could have been a vareity of things.

If and when we find out...we'll find out.

But I guess once again, what the fuck would I know anyway...


For what it's worth, my prayers are with Jules Bianchi and I hope he can recover...we will see.

and I woun't forget Andrea de Cesaris either...may he rest in peace.

For about two or more weeks...

Actually for a long time, I've been trying to write a journal in regards to some issues a number of you are aware of that I've got to put it lighlty.

I don't know if I'll ever really express them properly online, at least not on a place like this or anywhere else.

That isn't to say I'll suddenly stop posting stuff but it's also been just clear more and more that I do have to properly gauge when to open my mouth and when to just shut it.

That being said, it seems like I'm at a state where I'm simply beyond explaining myself, and given just yesterday I was wondering why I didn't simply resort to violence on many an occasion, speaks mountains about how a lot of things have come to a head.

To a point that I've simply decided be it on a stream or anywhere else that until I'm in a better state of mind, I'm just not going to fucking bother unless I just reamin silent and watch.

While I'm seeking professional help, said help is at least a month away due to scheduling issues.

There are those who are willing to hear me out if nothing else, others even advise...I wish I could accept that advice without a problem but explaining why is a rant I doubt I'll bother posting as of now and for the forseeable future.

That being said...I'll see where I'll be going from here.

I'd say more but fuck it, I'll leave something out or miss-say something else, it seems like every decision I make including breathing is a mistake.

Till later people.

Some rambling and swearing towards the end of this wall of text, inproper grammar and lack of spelling corrections...you have been warned.

In my earlier years online, I would put a journal going into some detail about my problems in reality to some degree, but as years gone by, I've been less inclined to do so, instead reserving such a case to be limited to friends be it in reality or onnline.

My reasons for such are many, cheif among them that I'd rather avoid if possible any potential drama, but I guess one other reason is that at times I feel like one's reaction would be akin to 'cool story bro' or that nobody cares. That of course could easily imply that in a sense, that I'm crying for help which for some can be seen in any number of negative ways.

One other reason is that in spite of my verse in language and how I ofthen attempt to improve myself, I'm simply inept and not able to properly form percisely what I'd like to express in a way that's properly understood. Worse still is how I can give very bad impressions or lead a person to think I'm something to which I'm not.

Such experiences and obversations have made me more hestiant to speak, but doing so can only encourage more cases to screw up.

So what can I honeslty do about it apart from trying to speak on a more regular basis, and hopefully under the course of any given conversation under any subject, and somehow not step on somebody's toes?

Well, there is the before mentioned means, that and perhaps in spite of me doing so, putting more conscious thoughts into what i'm saying...which assumes I'm of sound state of mind, which, is a rarity in itself.

So I think I'll just for now state in shorthand what's going on with me without saying too much here.

---Life in general
While I have a job...I'm not getting enough money to really make honest gains. I'm seekin more hours in that job when they can allow me to take them, I'm seeking full time employment as well, but getting a job has been easier said than done.

I can only presist when I can.

I know my online actitives have not been great, and well...I'm working on art when I can, trying to aggresssively become better what I'm doing, partially because personal improvement, but also becuase ...I'm hoping to actually get to comissions and being able to actually perofrm them in both a reasonable time, and to actually make them decent if not actually being good.

We'll see...or rather you'll all see...I'll need to get cracking (more).

----other things.
In regards to a rather tragic accident involving Kevin Ward Jr and Tony Stewart...there's a lot I want to say, and even before this incident or others, there's been a lot I've been wanting to say but stepped away from, and even now I'm still unsure if I should say much.

I'll leave my ramblings for another time and place. For now I'll just say...don't take this as victim blaming, but I feel like ...Kevin ward should have not gotten out of his car, but I've felt very much the same for every other instance, in any other motorsport for which a driver got out their car to get onto an circuit during an active race...to give a driver they feel responsile for their wreck a peice of their mind. I'm not putting Tony on a pedstial, but from what I have seen of him...he's not as much the hot-headed asshole as some may say he is.

But what in the fuck would a 20 something murican know anyway?

Till later people...

I should try to be active on here, Sofurry, DevaintART and elsewhere, though with life being life, slowly getting pieces put back together. Although it's an uphill, everyday battle, and all I can do is try to presist.

Even with setbacks. That being said...Going to try and post more art even if it's just for scraps, and maybe comment more ofthen. But I hate just saying stuff... I want to do it. Which is also why I've not spoken much.

That and while I'd wanna talk on some life matters...more and more I'd rather be more discrete and be less public.

So yeah...that's my update for now.

One more thing...

I know I've got a number of gifts and trades I owe to a number of people, I am working on them, and I'll try to post em soon as I can. I apologize for taking such a long time.

Till the next journal.