Hello,

It's been a while since I last spoke to y'all.

For those who helped me in my previous journals situation, I deeply thank you for your support. Unfortunately, I still do not have an office space currently as for some reason the insurance company is really dragging their feet. It has severely affected my and my partners psyche, needlessly driven up energy bills (due to the wall being an outside wall and no insulation), and problem upon problem just keeps springing up in this house. I am rightfully pissed with the previous owners for their severe mismanagement and poor patch jobs they made just so they could dump the house onto someone else.

I digress. I'm writing this to officially announce I'll be taking a break from commissions. I don't know how long or short this will be, but once I deliver the last of the commissions in my queue, I'll be taking a very much needed break from commissions for a bit. This is for a few reasons:

1) The obvious first answer would be, I have not officially been completely without anyone in queue for a very long time, in fact I don't remember the last time I actually haven't had commissions to do? Either way, it's time for me to just breathe a little, draw for myself for a while without being fearful that I'm not prioritizing commissions properly, and most importantly I've barely focused on my animation studies for quite a few years now. So it's time for me to take that leap and improve on my passion and rekindle my love for animating again.

2) I've been working on a super secret project for a better part of a year now. It is almost time for me to essentially fully commit to this project I've been preparing for, and commissions would distract me from this commitment for a bit. Once I get my bearings, I will definitely be more confident to commit to at most two slots at a time. But until then, I will save myself from putting too much on my plate by minimizing my workload as much I possibly can. What's the secret project you ask? I won't reveal it quite yet. But I promise I will once I get going. Those who already know what it is however, SHHHH SHUT UP I GOT THIS, THIS IS OUR LITTLE SECRET FOR NOW OK?!

3) Last but not least, I joined a closed species discord server called Alladons (closed species by ThatAlbinoThing), and long story short I kinda became an Official Poucher Artist for them with two other amazing artists, and ThatAlbinoThing herself and Senior Artist Mute too??? And like, I'm surrounded by so many artists and an enthusiastic community, and just so much love. I've only been in this server for a year and I've been in such bliss since I joined, I'm genuinely so happy to be there. Point is, because I'm an official artist over there and I genuinely wanna focus on character design stuff more, I basically decided to sell my soul to the Dons for a while lol.

But don't worry, I will take commissions again someday, but basically TL;DR I wanna focus on me for a little while.

Thank you all for your continued support! Hope to see you all real soon ^^

[Update] I have messaged the new commission slot holders. Thank you all so much!

Hey there

Long story super short, my house sprung a leak in the copper. It has rendered my working space completely unusable for the foreseeable future. We had black mold festering in our wall, and all over our carpet floor; so a good chunk of ceiling is now gone, half a wall is gone, all of the carpet is gone. It's been a really stressful couple weeks dealing with the drama of logistics, repairs, and insurance. As I'm writing this we still have fans going to now dry the inside if our wall, which harbored more black mold thanks to the insulation getting soaked. Hooray homeownership.

With that said, I have been completely unable to work during that time and thus have come up short.

I'm opening for two or three slots for commissions, but it'll be done slightly differently.

Go to this link, and follow through to where you need to go and I will then CHOOSE which commissions I'll be interested in in 24 hrs from this post. If you have any questions, you can DM me: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1.....rjixA/viewform

[New development] We found yet another leak. We've had fans going all day and night only to find one area was still not at all dry. Come to find out, previous owners of the house freaking DRILLED A HOLE THROUGH THE DRAINAGE PIPE, and definitely most likely drilled another one in another drainage pipe but patched that one. I'm exceedingly stressed and angry y'all.

This is going to be long, so strap in. Please bare with me.

---

Hey there, not sure if any of you have noticed but I've been hyper slow on my commissions. It's been for a few reasons, I'll be getting to that in a moment. However, I'm extremely tired of writing continuous obligatory "I'm sorry" journals and posts all over social media. Instead of being healthy about it, I just kind of... stopped posting and made myself disappear leaving so many people hanging for no real reason other than being extremely cryptic about my state of mind and things going on in my life. All I can say at this point is 'I'm truly working on it, albeit slowly, I'm chipping away as much as I can each moment I have a chance. Thank you for your everlasting patience with me.'

Because of being extremely embarrassed of myself and terrified I'll for a perfectly valid reason (probably) that I'll get an artists beware on me, I've essentially imploded within myself and stopped actively taking commissions all together while I struggled to finish what little commissions, so I could in some way prove to myself that I still had some integrity in the fandom.

Unfortunately, this is what started my internal spiral of chaos

To start, as I hope you know, I've started doing work for my dad in October 2019. For a time, it was something that kept me relatively afloat and somewhat reasonably paying my bills. Even though I was restricted to only a certain amount of hours each week, I could at least focus on something else other than worrying that I'm good enough to deserve commissions and have to worry legitimately every single week about whether one of my bills will be paid or if I'll have to eat the late fee. This was a constant stress for me, and crippled my anxiety further the more days that go by that I can't pay something. Although I had something a little more stable, it became unstable again when the pandemic hit. In a terrible chain of events, the career of more than 20 years my dad had that was a stable funding chute for his new business ended at the worst time in January 2020. It was inevitable and we knew it was coming, but he wasn't prepared career wise to be able to slide into another line of work that was similar. So I had to scramble. I was advised to stop work for my dad until he could survive on his own again. He had to start working for Amazon to just feed himself, and could barely fund anything else. He almost lost his house, got into a lot of relationship/friendship trouble that is still being worked through legally to this day. With all this, I had to take so much time out of my life constantly to go and fix things for him while he was busy working. This was the very thing I wanted to escape back in 2015/2016 the first time I moved out. By the graces of so many people, I was able to stay out of that life for a long while so I can just focus on myself and not this crazy fiasco of a life my dad creates around himself and he sends out his only daughter out to go fix if something fucks up. Essentially, when the pandemic hit, my dad got incredibly desperate for money, but he had a (sort of) plan to get his life together and for his new business that he was working on for over 10 years to finally take off. At the time, it gave me a sense of stability and ability to continue to work from home alongside Pox in the midst of a pandemic. I saw the writing on the wall with how society was handling this all around me, and I genuinely wanted no part of subjecting myself into the chaos of society to try to remain afloat. So I had to put full faith in whatever my dad was planning and doing to stay afloat. Of course, I struggled long with all the commissions that came in, barely finishing, and looking back at the art and feeling hella stressed and depressed. Although I was able to start work for my dad again around July 2020, it still was limited. Then in December 2020, my dad finally got a good paying job which in turn could finally finance his weird and expensive life, on top of being able to finance his business. I was cautiously optimistic when he told me that not only did I have a new role, I got a significant raise. With full transparency, I currently make $18/hr for some things and $24/hr for the 'higher level' stuff. I suddenly became a Project Manager and worked like a maniac (still am) to prove my worth, and at the same time literally playing Jack of All Trades in the organization, which has extremely sapped my energy for doing anything else. But, the kicker. Remember how I said my dad has a weird and expensive life? Yeah... because of this weird and expensive life, when I was under the impression that he would be able to fund ME and MY EXPERTISE , he hasn't been able to keep up with funding me, and currently owes me a fantastic $1,337. I have been gracious and understanding in his wanes of finances, since my job is literally to help him get his life in order, but it's getting to the point that I'm about to pull the plug on me working for him until I get my paycheck that I 100% and seriously deserve . That money has been accumulating for a cool 3 months , he knows he's behind because I let him know every time.
But I digress, the point is, I've been extremely stressed and working extremely hard to remain a relatively ok human being in the eyes of society, but I am tired .

Onto the next subject - So since I was working for my dad, during the whole time of managing his life and trying to manage mine, a lot of old feelings and self reflections came up during the time I was sitting and stressing over the job. On top of procrastinating and dealing with serious executive dysfunction, a little voice in my head decided to make an appearance while I was also trying to heal from a lot of trauma that I dealt with. Now, this little voice never existed until well...somebody I won't name. But, no thanks to those traumas and healing, I had to now deal with another thing that I pushed really hard down into oblivion and acted like it didn't bother me whatsoever because I was confident in myself and my abilities. However, things take time for me to heal from and understand. It takes time for me to think through all the events that happened a long while ago and finally pick it apart so I can finally forgive myself and cry through it. This was no exception.

I, unequivocally, started really hating my art. Nothing I drew looked right. Nothing I sketched looked like something I did. I started to extremely struggle with imposter syndrome, feeling the reason that I have little engagement, little art making, seemingly no improvement, even though every time I look through I know I've improved, I started to spiral out of control. I've genuinely neglected commissions because I felt as if whenever people received their art that they secretly hated it. I've just gotten into this depressing state where; sure, I'll finish this art piece but I'm not proud of it. I'm so grateful to those that still show their love in their own ways of my art, but that little voice became extremely obnoxious and loud. And only until recently, did I figure out why it grew to such a huge demon in my brain. To save myself from sharing too much, the general reason why this feeling began to exist was two major things: (1) A person I genuinely cared a lot about, once upon a time, rarely showed interest in my craft, let alone was not usually excited for me or my endeavors in such a way that I've had little promotion, and (2) despite me drawing seriously for practically 10 years at this point, I have felt I've gone little to nowhere with my engagement. In fact, I've felt ever since late December 2018, albeit it already being a shitty year became even shittier when I made a decision to leave the DutchAD community immediately upon my expulsion from the admin team, that I've lost ALL engagement. And because of all this, I've felt my art didn't matter, I didn't matter, and nothing I did mattered. Not only did I lose my passion in many facets, I lost many things that genuinely made me happy and willing to keep going with my art, all in an instant. I've felt like my soul was just sucked out of me, and in an attempt to put myself back together, my soul was put in at an angle and slightly to the left. I've felt tethered to a shell of a person since that day, and I just... don't feel ok. Like I said, despite me feeling so much better in terms of coming to understand the trauma of many things and someone, being able to move forward from it, my art has ultimately suffered. I have felt trapped, and thanks to no health insurance and our god awful healthcare system anyway, I will remain trapped until I ultimately just have to figure my shit out on my own, because therapy is expensive and lol what is money anyway?

And just to top this off with the icing and cherry on top, I have a cat named Shadow who is extremely old and very sick. He's almost 20, and has been with me since 2005. He's been with me through literally thick and razor thin. I've almost had to give him up two times in my life because my dad just didn't want him around anymore, three times if you consider my dad literally suggesting putting this cat to sleep because of a minor health scare. But, through it all, he's still here with me. However, throughout the pandemic, his health has deteriorated significantly. We have taken him to a vet, and the only thing we could do is hope that we can rid him of his bronchitis. But it is difficult when this cat has a significant heart murmur, another mystery sniffle/congestion combination that the other cats and him have and the vets have refused to acknowledge, and the inhaler I have for him has barely helped him. I've had to heartbreakingly watch him, feeling helpless, because here I am trying to take care of him but I have little to help him go to the vet to try to heal him. I've been absolutely terrified to try to raise funds for him because I'm terrified of potential backlash, and terrified I wouldn't be able to keep up with a plethora of art and perpetuate my killed passion to now force myself to draw. We're doing what we can, but on top of his sickness, his age is progressively starting to show through, and it's further breaking my heart.
I want what's best for him, but I'm struggling emotionally and mentally with everything else. I want to help him, but my finances are consistently poured into bills. Every single cent of it. And to have my finances so intertwined with how fast I can get art done, and taking more commissions, literally everything that could make my life easier and happier, has legitimately made me feel absolutely worthless.

I feel so incredibly worthless, that I've throttled myself into obscurity, stopped making friends, stopped seeking out the friends I have left, and found comfort in the darkness I created around myself. And I feel like it's all my fault. No one else's. I feel as if I created this mess and now I deserve everything I'm feeling.

With this, I've decided once I finish the commissions I have in queue, I'm just gonna give in and stop taking commissions for an undetermined amount of time. I could feel better next week, next month, next year, couple days from now? Who knows. Perhaps I'll decide this is crazy and I'll just take a commission or two each time so I can still draw and mend my relationship with my art in the process. But ultimately, the one thing I do want to do is work on my art in other ways. Like anatomy, lighting, backgrounds... things I ultimately feel like I'm struggling so hard at. But if I were to take a couple commissions at a time instead of opening multiple slots, perhaps I could ask for forgiveness on me wanting to use it as a learning experience as well? I don't know how gracious people are willing to be... but these are things that have been rolling around in my head for quite a few months now.

I don't really have a way to end this whole diatribe of how hectic my life has been. So I'll just stop it here before I break my heart any further than it already has been.

My one ask is, please no advice, I don't want it nor do I need it plaguing my sensitive, broken, and raw state I'm in right now.

Thank you for reading.

Hey everyone! It's been a while, but I'm finally on the home stretch on the last commissions that are in queue!

So, with that, I'm going to finally open to accept more slots! I will have 4-6 available (depending on what I get in), and it is first come, first serve so get them quick!

Big side note: I have updated my TOS slightly, and all prices have also updated. I am also now offering Character Design commissions, but I will only accept 1 (ONE) slot at this time if anyone is interested in it. Good luck and thank you for all your support!

Follow this link and it will guide you to where you need to go ❤️
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1.....rjixA/viewform

Hey there everyone! Small update/announcement:

First off, I want to apologize for how long commissions have been taking me. This pandemic has really affected my mental health and means of keeping up with my financial burdens, which in turn meant I needed to focus on my other job since it's more stable of an income in these trying times.

With that said, I also realize I am absolutely terrible at being able to decipher when I can exactly open for more commissions BUT, rest assured that I WILL. My goal right now (with the exception of the two new commissions I received) is to finish and clear my entire queue before I take in more, for the sake of my sanity and integrity. I have to thank you all for your patience with me in these times, and I'm excited to look forward to drawing more of your commissions!

-Ruka

Hello everyone! Apologies for the broken radio silence as of late, but I was spending the majority of the last few months looking for a house :). We recently closed on one and are now going to be moving and spending some time fixing it up a bit to be a functional living space for the next few weeks, so commission work will be super spotty. I'll be doing my best to do a little work during this crazy time, but expect me to be back to full function in September at the latest. Thank you all for your patience!

P.S. If you really would like to help us out a little, I have a housewarming wishlist!
You are not obligated, but it's absolutely appreciated 💙

Also also, since I'll be really slow with commissions, you can also tip me at PayPal.me/rukamae if you prefer to gift me this way.

See ya on the flip side!

I have only two slots left, feel free to go to this link to lead you: Rukamae Commission Form . If you have any questions, you're more than welcome to message me!

Also, if you haven't followed them yet, I am using Twitter, FB, and Telegram to keep everyone updated on commission openings and post art as well! Please follow so you can stay informed: Twitter, FB, Rukamae Telegram Update Channel

Be warned, my twitter is not completely art related (it's a mixture of personal and art stuff), I still post art updates there but if you prefer a quieter environment, I recommend my Telegram and FB page :)

Hey everyone!
It's my golden 26th birthday this week! is a day before mine, and I have birthday buddy too!

For our special days this year, I wanted to have an extra special birthday quaranstream! And all of you are invited!

Birthday Quaranstream will be on WEDNESDAY, March 25 @ 3 PM MST til around 9:30 PM on twitch.tv/rukamae and we'll be playing lots of Jackbox games! Not sure which ones, but we'll find out!

We will also have a discord server so we can chat and have good times while we play!

Birthday presents are not required but appreciated, but your presence would be awesome!

Discord server link will be dropped soon in the journal so keep a lookout for that.

Hope to see you there 💙💙

I have several updates that I felt was necessary to let you guys in on since I’m about being transparent not just to my customers but to watchers of my content as well. I’ll do my best to be articulate...

1. I have started a hyper part-time job with my dad, who is basically in the beginning stages of starting his own company. Although it’s ‘usually’ 5 hrs a week, $18/hr; it’s actually been a genuine joy to work here, however it’s becoming a struggle to keep up due to Pox’s new work schedule. Which gets me to...

2. Pox’s work schedule has become a practical nightmare for both of us. I am the only one with a license and the car, so I have the responsibility to drive him to work every weekday at 4 AM. My body unfortunately can not adhere to this schedule (if you can see by what time this journal is posted). My circadian rhythm 100% disagrees with going to bed at 8 PM to get that sleep to wake by 4 AM. So instead, I sleep for maybe two hrs, wake up, feed my cats, get ready, spend a lot of time to wake Pox, finally get to the car, drive 20 mins to get him to work by around 5 AM, drive back using the back roads, and go right back to bed and sleep until around 11 AMish-noon, feed the cats lunch, have a shower, get dressed, get back in the car, drive to Pox’s work, wait for Pox to come out of work (most of the time he’s not out by 1 PM), drive home. Sometimes we run errands, sometimes we just go straight home. By then, and only then, do I even have a chance to pick up my tablet and actually start drawing. But when 6 PM rolls around, I’d have to make some semblance of dinner, which is often our first and only meal of the day. By then, we watch a few YouTube videos on our smart tv, wind down, get to bed... rinse, wash, repeat.

Basically, I’m really at wits end. I’d really like to catch up on my commissions, but everything is so slow because I’m in a perpetual mode of exhaustion. Most of my weekends are being spent asleep, playing some games, walking outside (for sunshine purposes cause I like rarely ever leave my house), or just being with Pox.

Basically all projects and commissions are severely slowed down, but I am working through them, it’s just taking way longer than I like at all. If my body could flip to being a morning bird, I wouldn’t have this issue, but it doesn’t work like that. I’m notoriously a night owl, no matter how much school and other “morning activities” force me to be awake at those hours, it just doesn’t work. =/

Sorry.

3. This one is one of the biggest recent developments.

So I have two cats, Shadow (19) and Samhain (7). Shadow has been with me literally through thick and thin in my life, obviously way before Samhain bounced into my life as a kitten, all I really had was Shadow to comfort me. Despite my dad threatening to give him away a couple times and even going as far as threatening to ‘just put him down’ the next time he got remotely hurt or sick, Shadow is still here, safely with me.
Lately, Shadow and Samhain started showing general signs of a kitty cold, which knowing Shadows history was typical for him. Unfortunately, with kitty colds, there’s nothing more you can do about it than just let them ‘ride it out’ so to speak and eventually it goes away again. However, Shadow started progressively getting worse to the point where he was coughing (rather harshly sometimes) and sneezing. Recently, he started breathing heavily especially when he was asleep. Thusly, I finally got him to a vet (which admittedly I haven’t been able to for years) to where my suspicions of a URI (Upper Respiratory Infection) turned out to be something worse... Bronchitis. On top of this, he has developed a heart murmur, an after effect of his diagnosis of bladder stones (which he’s been at least 5 years clear of so far!) which unfortunately makes taking care of the Bronchitis extremely tricky to treat when you have a relatively healthy cat with a heart murmur. Due to the medication to treat the Bronchitis absolutely had to be a steroid to treat the inflammation in his poor little lungs, it can be very tricky for his heart to handle if going through the bloodstream. So I was given one single option as opposed to a syringe to give him so he could ingest it, which is an inhaler. This medication I have found is absolutely not cheap, $298 to be exact. This is just the inhaler, not even the AeroKat (which is the inhalation chamber made for cats) is included in that price.

Long story short, Pox and I pooled literally all the money we had with vet bills and paying for the prescriptions (still pending on the inhaler because we are getting it through other cheaper means, and still pending on the AeroKat), that I basically became tapped out of everything I’ve got. Haven’t even paid my car (which is due the beginning of the month next month) or have anything for rent.

Even if I am tapped out, and have no savings, I had to make sure Shadow got the medication and care he desperately needed to at least help him breathe and be happy again. He’s deteriorating before my very eyes right now while he waits so patiently for his medication, and it’s broken my heart everyday since last week.

I don’t,can’t, shouldn’t ask for any more commissions right now because my queue is at my limit, but if you don’t mind waiting for a couple months for me to get to it or just want to help me survive through this, you’re more than welcome to drop me a ko-fi (link on my profile) or PayPal.me/Rukamae . I can drop you a couple doodles or something else cool for your help. And I deeply appreciate it.

In terms of Samhain, she’s thankfully fine, just generally sniffly. She’ll have some antihistamines to help her out a little, but she’s good overall

4. My general state of mind is fluctuating honestly. I would like to see a therapist, but unfortunately due to my dad potentially losing the health insurance I thought was going to be guaranteed for me until the end of the year this year is probably going to get cut short. Meaning I can’t go see a therapist, let alone be able to fund the visits. And I’m not about to go find one now, only to feel ‘rushed’ to feel better or to start and then not have the money to see them again.
I’m genuinely doing my best to “power through” the bouts of depression and anxiety I struggle with on a daily basis, but some days it just gets extremely hard. Rarely (thankfully) do I ever get ‘triggered’ to the point I have a bad panic attack, which does not help the condition of my heart either. I’m still reeling from a lot of the four to five years of trauma I’ve experienced in the past in combination of losing adminship (which frankly exacerbated a lot of emotions). But I’m not going to touch on those subjects anymore...

Honestly, my emotional status is frankly broken and fractured. My mental status is pretty fractured to the point now that my depression has taken my memory away now... I’m genuinely doing my best, but with all I stated above, my spoons run out fairly quickly and yet I still struggle to create even more spoons to try to keep up with what is my life.
Nowadays, I’ve become unfortunately comfortable in being distant. There’s very few people I generally trust these days, and an even smaller number of people that I 100% trust and can concede with when I need a safe place to vent or generally speak with. Isolation is a vicious beast, and unfortunately I don’t think I’ll be comfortable with letting myself be surrounded by a group of friends to connect and be with anymore. I’ve been thrown to the side too many times before to the point I’m considering it a ‘me’ problem.

I’ve come to believe that I’m worthless as a friend. That I don’t deserve to belong anywhere, I’m too different of a piece. I’ve lost a great deal of self confidence, and my willingness to share myself so emotionally and intimately with certain people has been shattered one too many times. I prefer to be genuine and honest, I try to be fair and communicate with those around me, even though I collapse in confrontation, I still try to voice from the heart. Unfortunately I’m not good with articulating my honesty in a way that doesn’t stab people. So I’ve fallen into a great silence with many, many people. The most I do these days is share the things that make me laugh or smile on twitter and Facebook, occasionally I share things that are relevant to my life or speaks words I can’t. Otherwise... I see myself as a ghost, invisible, a nobody.
I’ve genuinely come to believe people don’t really like my art anymore and the commissions I get are just cash made from people that feel sorry for me... it’s really affected my mood. I’m working on changing my mindset to remembering there are people out there that still enjoy my art. I’m just in a state where I’m currently unable to fathom that I actually matter in any community. My worst enemy? It’s me. I literally struggle with this dark entity in my mind that tells me I don’t matter and I should go drive into a pole. But I always counter it with looking at things that make me happy.

I’m just. Fractured.

I’ve literally wrapped up everything I am into a blanket and shoved it deep into my soul to hide the fact that I’m genuinely screaming and fearing being alone.

I’ve come to believe I’m safer within myself, and don’t trust with being ‘out there’. I’m my only best friend, I’m the only one to trust, and I’m the only enemy to myself.

Right now, I don’t believe I deserve friends. I don’t deserve to speak. I don’t deserve to be ‘me’ in public. ‘I’ cause too many issues between everyone, so I’ve become silent. I’m just a ghost :’( and I deserve to be a ghost...

Sorry... turned into a ramble there... gonna stop here before I keep running and be more depressing...
——

Thanks for reading...

Hey everyone,
A little announcement: It’s taken a lot of soul searching and thought, but I felt it’s time to come out with some not so great news. I have decided to cease doing the hatchlings/younglings for Dutchies.
Suffice to say however, that I am giving everyone who is still interested in one a month, until December 31st @ 11:59 PM, to purchase one before the decade closes out. Once the bell tolls on the new year, so too the hatchlings/younglings.
Please consider getting one of your Dutchie[s] before it’s gone forever.


Commission Form for Hatchlings/Younglings here

If you’d like an idea of what these are, please check out my gallery to see them.

Since my leave of the community, the need for the hatchlings have plummeted.

Should I keep the option open or shall I retire it?

I won't get into why I'm making this decision... but the long and short of it is Dutch Angel Dragons have been shattering my heart recently. I still love the species, but...

...yeah...

I am becoming more active on Twitter, Telegram, and Facebook nowadays. There are some things I don't quite deem super worthy to flood my FA with so I post certain things in certain places.

You can follow:
FB Like page (I do have a FB group but I'm thinking of slowly phasing it out. Not sure yet.)
Telegram Update Channel
Twitter (bare in mind I'll pin most important art stuff and stay to the thread, while mixed as a personal profile too)

Thank you for your loving support, have a very happy Halloween

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/33082558/

Information and form is in there ^

It ends in five days. Please get one before they go away!

I really really need to pay my bills. Seriously, please. Only three icons have been ordered so far and I'd love to eat...

Don’t know how many will see this.

I’ve not been doing mentally well for quite some time now. Being isolated is pure torture to the soul and mind and I’ve basically gotten to the point of feeling extremely closed off. I know my true self is hiding in the darkness, what I used to be before everything basically shattered. But I’ve just grown very tired.

I’ve been blaming myself for not trying hard enough, for not being good enough, not doing enough.

I just feel extremely alone and friendless. Worthless. Pointless.

I’m just a dark husk and an empty shell that lost so much of my light and passion over these past few months. My secret project is going mostly ok, but my luster is just so faded I lose so much motivation.

I’m really sorry I haven’t been very active here, and I’m sorry my Twitter is a mess, and I’m sorry I pour out my soul in these journals. I literally purposefully don’t feature them because I don’t feel people care anymore and I’m just hiding behind a screen. But I’m just a lonely soul who is too anxious and broken to try to interact with anyone or make new friends and connections.

I’m just... really unwell... I’m really sorry.

Also please don’t comment asking me to message you, I don’t have the energy to do it. I’ve lost motivation to reach out to anyone. I’m just at a terrible state and my brain has essentially convinced me no one cares and rather leave me silent and isolated because I’m a horrible human being who deserves nothing.

Sorry.

May delete this later... dunno...

AC is in a few days.

To be honest, I’m not at all excited to be there. I’ve been genuinely panicking, crying, and being overall depressed over it for many reasons.

As much as I’d love to update people on things, I’ve mostly muted myself in fear I’ll make my situation worse for trying to speak up. So... I’m sorry I can’t (won’t) shouldn’t say anything to save myself more pain.

I much rather just stay in my room since my anxiety and depression has convinced me I’m better off invisible.
I’m sorry I’m being such a downer about an event that should be bringing so much joy and excitement. I’m just genuinely crumbling and wanted to let the followers that still care, to understand what I’m too scared to extrabulate into physical words.

If you see me and I seem very standoffish, please don’t be offended. It’s not you, I really mean it. I’m genuinely just not ok.

Sorry in advance.

[Edit] Before you comment below asking why I’m even showing up if it’s bringing me this much pain: The plane tickets are already bought (bad excuse), vacation days already set (another bad excuse), I’m really only showing up for one person at this point (ok excuse), and I don’t want to be home by myself (bad excuse). Yes, I could just go somewhere else. Yes, I could just cancel my plane ticket. Yes, I could just place a mask and do my best to have fun. However, I dont like any of those ideas for the sake of others to be comfortable. It’s such a crime to wear my heart on my sleeve but I rather be honest about how I genuinely feel rather than pretend under the horrible guise depression loves to pull. I’ve already had the bed made, now I’m going to lie in it and just deal with what I feel and not hide from it.

It's that time again! Commissions are now OPEN! https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1.....rjixA/viewform

Please remember to select what you would like through the dropdown menu and click the link! Commissions will be closed TOMORROW at Noon 30 Mountain.

Slots:
Portraits/Hatchlings - 2
Ref Sheets - 1
Template Ref Sheets - 2
Telegram Stickers - 2 - 5 (depending on size of packs)
Icons - 6

Get 'em while it's hot!

https://picarto.tv/Rukamae
https://picarto.tv/Rukamae
https://picarto.tv/Rukamae
https://picarto.tv/Rukamae

They will close in 24 hrs, and invoices will be sent once everything is in. Please make sure to follow the links in the form provided!
Commission Form here!

The moment is here! Commissions are officially OPEN until 2 PM March 20,2019 (Mountain Time)

10 Slots for icons
5 Slots for Telegram Stickers
2 Slots for Ref Sheets
4 slots for Portaits/Hatchlings/Younglings

Happy commissioning!
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1.....07748249551615

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All icon slots still available
2/5 telegram sticker slots taken
All ref sheet slots still available
1/4 slots for portraits/hatchlings/younglings taken

Quick Announcement from the void:

I will be opening commissions mid month every month from now on. For the month of March, this will be on the 18th! 5-10 slots will be available of all kinds of commissions such as Telegram Stickers, Portraits, and Icons. Animations will be - on a case by case basis (one slot available), and prices will vary greatly depending on frames/how long/complex you want the animation to be.

Streams will now be on a schedule, starting next week. Every FRIDAY from Noon - 6 PM Mountain Time. https://picarto.tv/Rukamae


I have a new telegram update channel: https://t.me/rukamaeupdates
New FB Page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/rukamae/

Feel free to follow to stay up to speed with openings and new art!

I will post again with a link for the commissions on the 18th @ Noon (MST) and will keep it open for TWO DAYS closing on the 20th @ 2 PM (MST) to give everyone a chance, since this is the first time doing this. Could be first come, first serve; but if I have a bunch I'll be picking what interests me.

I have officially closed Patreon. Too much upkeep that I can't commit to.

Here's my ko-fi: https://www.ko-fi.com/rukamae
Depending on the amount, I'll give you something special like a cool sketch (albeit you link your ref) or maybe something even awesomer (artistic freedom piece).

Feel free to message if you have any questions.
Cheers
-Ru

So. It's been a really long while since I last made a journal. I don't really think anybody really pays attention to my journals but I have a strong propensity to say something especially with recent events that have essentially made me go silent on all my social media. Whoever reads this, just know I'm really trying, and I'm not trying to make anyone look bad or say something in such a way to "cause alarm" either. But I needed a space to say something, because I'm deeply deeply terrified and hurt.

I'll start with this... I take my art and my commissions as professionally as possible. But I always have the demeanor of such as being laid back and 'less of the norm' when it comes to how I speak to everyone. I'm more or less - non-traditional - to how I express myself online. I want people to understand at least something in my life if it warrants it. Of course, there are private things that I of course keep from public eyes. Mostly because I have really terrible social anxiety and I'm horrendously shy. Despite the challenges, I do my absolute best to be transparent about the things that do matter, that are really big in my life that I must tell you about. Unfortunately, I haven't made my FA much of a platform of doing so. Most of the stuff I go through is allocated in very specific areas as a way to organize myself and to attempt to keep things relatively clean. But due to the nature of the identity of what people started associating with me through this page, I felt it necessary to speak up after almost 2 months of...not speaking up.

I don't know how many people have noticed, but I'm no longer an admin for the Dutch Angel Dragon Community. I haven't been since December 17,2018. I've been an absolute mess over it ever since, and essentially broken. I won't really explain the reason why, but what I can say it was very sudden and not under my own volition (to an extent). I was asked to leave, and in an attempt to save myself from further emotional damage, I left literally everything community-wise. I'm no longer on the facebook pages, I've been erased from the FA page, I left the telegram admin chat and community chat, I've left the discord... all at once. I've been feeling backed further into a corner and terrified of saying a damn thing about it since. I've been terrified if I don't continue to be a "goody two shoes" and start posting vaguely everywhere, someone will read it wrong and I'll get bombarded with messages telling me how wrong I am or "we need to talk". I've literally been an absolute mess, and despite me trying to fix it, I feel as if I have nothing left. I literally feel like I lost everything. I feel backstabbed, I feel disgusting, and I feel 'alienated' and friendless. I know some will still consider me their friend, but actions tell me otherwise. No matter how kind the words, all I can hear in my mind is that I'm worthless and did a horrible job. Maybe it's depression talking, but I've had trust issues before...now amplified to an incredibly high degree. I can't help but feel that everybody is now out to get me, or that I'll be forgotten. In fact, that's what's hurt me the most, I feel forgotten and nobody gives a damn about me and just waited for me to disappear. I've had to sit here for almost two months in absolute silence, and even though that may not matter to some of you, this meant EVERYTHING to me. One moment, I have all this responsibility and ear to the ground and outpouring will and passion to be there every moment I can, to make sure I'm always on the same page and making sure everything is taken care of; to immediate silence where everything is stagnant and the chatter is gone. It's like being in a room full of people, to where all the sudden you blink and everybody disappears. That's what it's been to me, and it's absolutely shattered me. I feel literally torn into two and have become such a stranger to myself and others.
There are a genuine few who have come to me and asked me how I'm doing and actively checked up on me. While...the majority I relied to say something to me has been staggeringly absent. Some I know have probably been scared to come to me because they're scared of me being further hurt, but I really beg to differ, I need people to talk to me so I can talk too. For me, it builds trust and a bond. But the consistent inaction of doing so (not talking about being busy and having a life) and constantly and outwardly avoiding me makes me literally feel abandoned...

Before you say anything; no, I don't want to go back to the community. I don't have any intention of coming back at all anywhere in the future.

"Why? After you talking about how lonely you feel?" because I cannot genuinely and emotionally handle being part of something again after watching it blossom over 5 years I've been in it, FOUR of which I was an admin. It feels really unfair to me to continue to be part of something that hurts me, seeing the name flash before me every single moment on Twitter, FA, Facebook... I just... I can't do it. It's why I'm not following anything anymore... I've muted everything Dutch Angel Dragon Community. I've shut it out, because I literally felt stabbed to the heart and sliced into two.

"I don't want to make you feel bad for commissioning Dutch Angel Dragon art now :,( "
Please don't think that. I still love Dutchies, and I love drawing them. Please don't stop commissioning me because of this...

I digress, the point is, I've been in a really bad state as of late. I've been silent on social media and don't know when I can muster the courage to show up again. I'll continue to do my commissions, posting it here, and I'm still very much willing to accept more. All I ask is to just be gentle with me and to understand how much this whole thing has impacted me. The Community meant so much to me, and just... this whole thing has been a serious blow. I know to a lot of people this is just nothing and I shouldn't care this much about a species, but I don't care what they think. What matters to me was all the loyalty, passion, and time I poured into this. I did literally everything I could to be there, no matter what. But I'm just going to be on my own island for some time. I'm having a really hard time trusting talking to a lot of people, but I do really appreciate those who do make some time for me. I don't want to be "too high maintenance", but being able to have some semblance of friendship means so much to me right now.

I'm not sorry for writing this... but I hope you can understand my silence and just... give me a little space to be able to express my feelings and talk. I'm at least cognoscente enough to know I'm barely emotionally stable as it is, but I feel better if I can just talk to those who want to listen to me and understand where I'm coming from. Being able to talk through someone and yourself is just a small step to being able to wrap your head around it. Although I can essentially grasp why it all happened, I still can't help but still feel horrible. I feel like I have to start over all over again, and I'm crushed feeling this way... so just please be patient with me.

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In other news, I'm planning on closing my patreon. I'm really bad at upkeeping it and would feel better just accepting Ko-fi's instead. I'll leave it open for the rest of this month and then I'm going to shut it down, so you're aware.

Also, I have a really cool super secret thing I'm working on that I hope to share with you soon. But for now, I'm keeping it secret until I'm confident enough to share it (i.e. reasons above).

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I love you all. I miss you all... I'll see you later...
-Ruka

My commissions have come to a halt until November 1st, as I’ve been working really hard to finish a fursuit commission that regrettably has taken years to complete. I’m slowly catching everything up so I can continue making cool content, so I deeply thank you all for your patience.

I’ve been really unsure about whether I will open for any type of fursuit commissions for a while, since I enjoy doing art so much more. However, I still have a passion for crafts other than just art, which is why I’m uncertain about whether or not I’m willing to take the leap again. If I do decide to continue with fursuit commissions in addition to art commissions, it will be a very rare opportunity. Rare in the retrospect that it will be at most two new fursuit commissions every six months if I can keep up with the pace. Otherwise, I’m most likely going to do strictly pre-mades. An opening for more fursuits (if I decide to go forward) will be sometime next year after late June/early July 2019, to give me some much needed time to breathe as well as finish my very last long standing fursuit commission.

Art has been sorta stagnating for a couple months while I finished the first fursuit commission. I will make another journal about it at another time. But rest assured my art will ramp up again once Halloween is over! Thank you for your amazing patience, and I’ll be back really soon!

I'm offering EVERYTHING for commissions! Icons, Portraits, Hatchlings, Telegram Stickers, and Ref sheets\ (only TWO SLOTS OPEN for refs) are all available right now!

I have a new type of ref sheet I'll be calling the 'ultimate' ref sheet which comes with anthro front and back, headshot, two feral shots, and other customizable stuff like size comparison, extra headshots, extra chibi shots, and any other thing you want to jam pack into this GINORMOUS ref sheet with the starting price of $160! Price will vary due to complexity of character and additional features you may want to add.

Other ref sheets like regular (front,back, and headshot only) start at $120. Custom (regular +extras not including feral refs) start at $140.

I have mostly Dutchies displayed, but I do other species as well!

If you'd like to commission me, please be aware that the wait time will be around 2-3 months (the third month is in case I fall behind due to other things life can throw at me).

To commission, please follow this form and it will lead you to where you would like to go! Feel free to note me if you have any questions!