The feeling comes in the beat of a heart,
pulsating through my whole body
nothing following but hurt.

Chest tightens, breath sucked in
knowing it isn't something worth it.
Suffocating...
Drowning sensation...
Muddled hearing...
Tears block sight...

The feeling comes in the beat of a heart
pulsating my whole body with nothing
but hurt, and frustration... I scream

Scream that I exist,
scream that I'm heard,
Scream...
Scream...
Scream...
with all I have left...

Do you hear me?
Do you see me?
Do I exist or am I just invisible?

Poems don't have to rhyme to convey emotion
as every cell in me screams and thrashes
that one instant in a beat of a heart,
the pulsating hurt that never leaves.

Hear me, See me, please
before I slip into the abyss
So dark and eerie,
alone and forgotten on waves...
of thought, of whisper, of every little thing.

Feeling unappreciated, unheard
that noone cares about me
I scream and all I hear is an echo.
I scream and all I hear is a heart beat
Ba Dump... Ba Dump... Ba Dump...
each Ba Dump brings the pulse..

It comes in the beat of a heart
pulsates so quick with hurt
engulfing, drowning, not resurrecting.

I am here... Aren't I?

"Close your eyes as you caress the necklaces around your neck. You remember what they stand for? Where you got them? Breathe... in, then out slowly. Don't let them take over," the voice whispers in my head as it always has. I find myself petting the cat necklace around my neck, containing ashes of a very good girl that I wish could have lived longer. I then trace the other one, a very good gift. The voice speaks again, " these act as anchors, they are and always will be. Remember Mammas curling up on your stomach during a panic attack, sleeping tight against you every night. Remember your friend's voices, all of them on a bad day. You are strong, you are here, you breathe and move through each day." I shake my head to myself as if acknowledging I know they are right, I know they speak truth they always have. I feel the demon stirring within me, deep in my core. Its getting tired of overhearing the things I'm told everyday. The negativity and fear and depression that usually feed it, just annoying it even further. "I'll stick out for you," it whispers with an evil chuckle. Tempting offer some days. I can feel the invisible leash around my neck tightening and being pulled bringing me to my knees unable to breathe. The voice that has guided me my whole life again speaks, " not now, you can fight it. Remember... you can do it, just... remember. Remember who has stood by you the past few years. Remember whose been there for you. Remember." I try sucking in a tight breath and then releasing it I close my eyes. I see it clear as day, but getting myself to acknowledge anything is another story. Things will get better, you can only climb up. I hear those words in one ear. You will never get out of here, you might as well give up on your plans, what you are doing isn't good enough, i love having you hear but you need to move out. Echo in the other ear... I wish it could be simple as ignoring it, or pushing it aside, can't fight back. Each conversation with my adversary is stepping on egg shells or thin ice trying not to break through. Manage what you say, manage how they will react, manage everything. Not a conversation, just life right now.

It was time to fight some serial killers, which turned out to be a dangerous assumption. Why? Well they are smart and that was the first mistake I made. They are also veryyy good at what they do. You don't really fight serial killers, more... survive them and then find a way to take them down? You may ask me, how this came up... Well that is a very good thing to ask because I MIGHT be in a bit of a pickle. Better to catch you up to speed though eh? So.. I had a dream when I young, to be the best detective I could be. Was such a foolish lad really, it isn't an easy field to get into. I stuck through it though, if anything pursue your dreams eh? So just to keep this kind of short I guess? I followed my dreams and pursued until, sure I became a detective, but also one of the best. Sometimes when you are the best at something you land yourself into some VERY precarious situations too. Working undercover for example? Really hard, gotta keep face and make sure you don't fuck up really bad. Sureeee everyone makes mistakes, but some are very very very lethal.... rip my old partner Gav. I eventually found myself working with a team that focuses only on serial killers. I mean, they are kind of a problem? Not really just a detective anymore but, details... details. Anyway, my first thought coming into this role was " hell yeah, time to take down some dangerous people," but it is not as easy as it seems. Especially the ones that are annoyingly good at making sure they do NOT leave a trace or any trail to follow. The most dangerous place to end up is in the trap of the serial killer themselves. Which I guess is the kind of situation I have gotten myself into. You see I was trailing not one, but two serial killers. Was a couple they loved working together, but doing separate work. They also loved the same types of people to target. Was just a normal day of work, the research had already been done, we were zeroing in on them. I was too careless, I guess. I lost track of one of them, that was probably my second mistake. First being letting them catch onto me in the first place. They caught me off guard and the next thing I knew I was taking a little nap. Then I woke up tied up and gagged swinging by a chain over a pool of very nasty beasties. I'm still here to talk so obviously I escaped, but that is a another story for another time.