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~~~~~ A Brief Visit ~~~~~~

It’s a weird feeling.

Last week I flew back to my home country for a short while to attend the clan reunion my family had a hand in organizing. I thought I would feel, I don’t know, more excited about the idea; of being able to head home and see my family in person again. And I was, don’t get me wrong. It was nice to see my older sister who I haven’t seen in over 5 years, as well as see my younger sister again. The same goes for my mom and dad.
But what was weird about it was how I didn’t really feel…anything when I effectively touched the ground I’ve spent more than 20+ years of my life on. I didn’t really know what I was expecting. I guess I was thinking that I would feel relieved. Perhaps excited to finally back in familiar territory. Breathe in that nostalgic air I spent a large portion of my life breathing.

I thought I would be elated. But I was just…there. It felt special in a sense that I understand that not many people have the opportunity to go back the way that I did in such a short amount of time. But I suppose there was just a part of me that was just not really happy to be there. Not that I wasn’t happy attending the reunion or anything. It’s not that. But just a general feeling. Which is odd considering I remember having a portion of me a year ago not wanting to leave.

Funny how that works.

I guess you could just chalk it up to me not liking the country that I was born in. Is the one I’m in now perfect? Far from it. It has its own fair share of problems and I’m not naive enough to ignore those. But the good that it does offer outweigh the problems that I remember dealing with regularly in my old country. I suppose spending a year abroad the way that I did really changed my perspective on things. I’ve met new people. Experienced a lot of new things and new emotions. And I hope to keep doing that as time goes on.

Hopefully I can put roots here. Because I like it here. Even with all the snow.

Does that mean I don’t ever want to go back to my old country? No. I’d still be happy to visit. If there was ever another reunion. Hell yeah, I’d be down. The long haul flight is just going to be a pain in the ass though. Quite literally.

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~~~~~ 2024 Retrospective ~~~~~~

As of writing this journal, it is currently December 31, 2024.

Looking back at what happened this year, it’s quite a lot actually.

The biggest thing is that I left my island. For the first time in my entire life, I moved away from my family, moved across the seas, and onto a different continent. It was a new life essentially. I moved to a country I’ve never been to before, was surrounded by people I’ve never met, and lived primarily by myself, with a roommate to boot.

I didn’t know what to expect. I was very nervous, rightfully so. I don’t think I will ever forget the feeling I had when I arrived here in Canada for the first time. It just felt different. The air was different, the people were different, the weather was different; everything was the same yet different. It was hard to put into words. My mom came with me to drop me off here to make sure I was settled, and eventually she had to leave to go back home.
When she left, I cried.

That was officially the first time in my entire life thus far that the only person I could rely on was myself.

Adjusting to life here took a good minute. But, as with time, I adjusted.

Now, I’ve been living here for a good 8 months.

And honestly, I wish I could keep living here.

However, I don’t know if I can. If there’s anything I’m sure of, it’s that nothing is for certain. I remember vividly writing up a Google Doc plan that when I came here, I was going to do this, that, those, and even these. But life has a way of reminding you that it is chaotic by nature. Majority of the stuff written in that Google Doc has yet to happen.

I’ve tried to find a part time job but was unable to. Primarily because it conflicted with my schooling. And I didn’t want that to suffer. Thankfully I was in a better position than my international peers where I could do without needing said job, but I still wanted it nonetheless.

I tried looking for an internship. Desperately so, in hopes of increasing my chances for better prospects in the near future. Out of 50+ applications over the span of four months, I was able to find one that would give me an interview. However, I had to decline it, unfortunately due to immigration conflicts. This one stung because I felt I had a good shot at it, all things considered, but I was forced to let go due to reasons beyond my control.

So now, 2025 is literally right around the corner. In just a few hours, the clock will strike and the calendar will roll over and we’ll be back again at the top.

2025 is definitely going to be the most unknown year of my entire life thus far.

I do not know what’s going to happen. I’m not even sure if I want to even dare to be optimistic. It’s just hard to look so far ahead when it can all change in the blink of an eye.

It will be the year I would have to graduate. Again. For the third time.

It will be the year I would have to find a job after graduation. And that is going to be one hell of a challenge given the landscape of my industry.

It could be the year that everything here, an entire year spent in Canada, all for naught, and I would have to cut my losses and head back home to my island at my corner of the globe. I genuinely do not want that.

It’s hard to say or to put into words the anxiety I feel about the uncertainty of everything that’s going to happen in the future. But ultimately, I just hope that despite everything that’s going to happen, everything will work out fine for the better.

I suppose that’s the most I can ask for.

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~~~~~ First Semester ~~~~~~

And just like that, the first semester is over.
It feels crazy to say that. With the semester ending, I’ve officially been in Canada for four months now. I feel like I’ve adjusted well. I’ve managed to survive on my own cooking for four months so that says something I suppose. Although it wasn’t apparent right from the get go, I feel like I genuinely grew as a person. I’ve experienced what it’s like to live on your own, in a foreign place, in a foreign country I’ve never been to. Every day of the first few weeks was a brand-new experience that eventually became the norm. My thought thus far?

I like it here.

The people are nice. The weather is good, thus far—it remains to be seen if I’ll like the winter. My experience with the people has been decent. The public transport, although leaving much to be desired, is miles ahead compared to we had in the previous country.

I will say though, I miss home. There’s a certain longing I feel every now and then of missing the homeland. Despite my personal hangups of the Philippines, I still miss it. I guess there really is no place like home.

So, what’s next for me? Well, the next semester is right around the corner. I got two weeks of free time and I’m using it to the best of my ability. I’m trying to get some writing done and maybe work on some personal projects. I’ve desperately trying to apply for an internship so I have something going in the break after the 2nd semester. Other than that, it’s just business as usual. I’m still also trying to find a part time job. The job market is just brutal. Granted, I have to work around my schedule so that makes it more difficult than it should be but still. It’s just rough out there.

I don’t really have much else to say. I thought I had a lot to say when I thought about writing this journal but I suppose I was wrong.

I just hope I survive winter.

~~~~~ Dragoneer ~~~~~

I know this very old news at this point but Neer died. I don’t really have much to say about the guy but the times that I did interact with him was pleasant. If it weren’t for his efforts in creating FurAffinity, I wouldn’t be friends with the people I’m friends with now. It genuinely pains me to see that he was unable to get the healthcare he needed. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemies.
I hope he’s in a better place now.

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The past week has been one of the most emotionally demanding times of my life. I essentially uprooted my entire existence and moved across continents to begin anew. I came to Canada with my mom because she wanted to make sure everything was in order before she evidently headed back home after a few days.

When I saw her off at the airport, I wished more than anything in the world that time would stop right then and there and I could just hold her forever. I cried. A lot. Like the ugly cry.

These are all brand new experiences to me and I don’t know what to expect.

I’m going to study in an academic system I’ve never interacted with before. Live in a country I’ve never even visited until now. Be surrounded by people I’ve never met. And for the first time in my long adult life: live by myself, away from the warmth and comfort that family and the family home can bring.

It was really a lot to take in.

I knew in myself that I could do this. I know how to cook. I’m not going to starve. I know how to take care of myself. I’m not alone. We have relatives in the area–literally a few blocks away from where I’m staying that I can go and ask for help in case something happens. But just because your brain knows that you’ll be fine doesn’t mean that your emotions would agree with it. Thankfully I’m slowly, ever so slowly, adjusting. The marvel of technology has the ability to miraculously shorten the immaculate distance between me and my family. I can easily call them on Messenger. I have no idea and have more respect now to the people who did this before technology is the way that it is now. Being far away from loved ones is freaking difficult.

My classes officially start tomorrow on Monday.

I want to say that I’m confident that I should be fine given that this is essentially the third time I’m going back to college. But I’d rather not let my own hubris be the cause of my own downfall.

I don’t know how things are going to go. I just hope things are going to pan out for the better.

Also, Canada is FREAKING COLD.

As someone who was used to 40c temperatures, going down to single digits of 4s and 1c, this is extreme.

I sure hope I can survive the coming winter.

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It’s been a long time coming.

As of writing this journal, it’s currently April 27th, at 8:30pm in the evening. My bags have been packed, my belongings have been stashed and to the best of my ability, I have tied all the loose ends I could find. It feels weird to think that come tomorrow, I will be leaving the country I’ve been living in for as long as I have lived.

I will be heading to a country I have never visited, experiencing weather I have never truly been subjected to, and for the first time in my life, be far away from family and any and all familiar things I’ve grown accustomed to.

To say that I am scared is an understatement. I am beyond scared.

I have no idea how things are going to go. The future has never been more uncertain. I am worried about how things would go, and I am concerned about the things I have no control over. I am anxious, scared, and worried that things will fall apart and I will crack under the pressure of–not living–surviving on my own.

It’s a lot to take in.

I feel oddly at peace. Like a person that has come to terms with the coming storm that is heading their way. I’m sure there are things I’ve forgotten to do; things I could have prepared ahead of time. But at the very least I’ve done what I can.

The most I could hope for is that everything is going to turn out fine.

Here’s to hoping and making an amazing tomorrow.

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2023 was a very interesting year for me.

When this year started I felt admittedly aimless. I wasn’t sure where my life was going to go. Obviously coming into the year, the notion of wanting to study abroad and go to Canada was a thing already, or at least I think it was, but I never really imagined it would solidify the way that it did later down the year. From what I remember, I was just going about life the way I normally did. I went to work, did my job, got off work, and then proceeded to do whatever the hell I wanted to do afterwards. It could have been writing, gaming, or any number of things I was in the mood to do.

But now, with the year ending, things feel…very different. It feels like my life is moving again. It feels like I’m ready to close this chapter of my life and move onto the next. 2024 is going to mark dramatic changes in my life and, for better or for worse, I don’t think my life is ever going to be the same ever again.

I like to think that I accomplished a lot this year. I got a lot of writing done. I learned a lot of things at work. I experienced life lessons I know I’m going to be using in the future. For one thing, I managed to get over my fear of commuting long distances and actually managed to find the courage to commute to the big city. I know, it sounds stupid, but it was one of the things I never really did out of fear.

Would I say 2023 was a good year for me? In hindsight, I suppose it was. It was a year where the gears in my life began to turn again. The whole Canada thing actually freaking panned out. I’d be lying if I said a part of me didn’t want it. After all, I crave change yet am absolutely terrified of it.

I don’t know what’s in store for me in 2024. I just hope that it’ll be a good one. I’m going to effectively uproot my entire existence and start back at zero. I’m scared, a bit excited, but very scared. I’m excited because I’m going to study again. A part of me is excited at the notion that I get to actually sit down and just learn again. I’m sure it’s not going to be that easy but what isn’t?

As I write this journal and hear the sounds of fireworks popping off in the background, I just hope that things work out for the better. That’s ultimately what my hopes and dreams are for 2024.

I just hope that I rise above the challenges and take the obstacles head on.

Goodbye 2023. It’s been a bash.

As for you 2024:

Here’s to making a better tomorrow.

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I’m finally here.

September 29, 2023 was the day I filed my application to the consular. If all goes well, I will find myself being granted a Study Permit so I can study in Canada and eventually lead to me working on my life there.

I feel…neutral. It’s weird. I’ve had mixed feelings about the entire affair for quite some time now. I’m neither excited at the prospect of moving to a new country and effectively starting over, nor can I see myself being disappointed if I get denied the permit.

I’m just neutral about it.

I understand that not many people are afforded the opportunity I am given, and I am forever thankful for my parents for all of this.

But yeah. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Recently, I was told I need to come into the application center so that they can take my photo and at the same time take my fingerprints. But beyond that, not much of an update. This could very well be the start of the next chapter of my life, if things go accordingly.

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It seems like it was only yesterday when I was at home thinking about how 2022 was going to go. And now here we are, it’s January 1, 2023. The sun is out. There’s a cool breeze going through my window. It’s a holiday today and tomorrow. I get to be at home and reflect on how my life has gone and where it’s going.

2022 was something; it was the year where I left my long time job. The job that kept me busy throughout the pandemic and eventually taught me the lifestyle of working from home. It was the year where I also found a new job and is now the current bane of my existence. I’m just being melodramatic. If there’s one thing the pandemic has taught me is that I hate working. Or at least I hate working in the traditional sense. But existing is expensive and we live in a world where we need money to survive. So here I am.

Writing wise, I kept chugging along.

I wrote about 96,000 words in a total of 9 commissions. Which is a step up from last year because I had 9 commissions then as well, but only wrote about 85,000 words.

The biggest commission I wrote this year (and of all time thus far) was over 20,000 words--which is also the highest payday I got from a commission.

Unfortunately, I did not write a single original and personal story this year. The last story that fit the criteria was written back in 2021 which was “Knightly Duties”. It’s a bit of a shame really. Writing commissions are great because I get to earn money from it but it sucks because I’m not the main creative force behind it. I should really push myself to write more original content for my own sake. I still hanker for the idea of writing a sequel to KD, or at least a story set in the same universe as it. I have ideas I want to explore and just more world building I genuinely find amusing to share. Perhaps when I get through my list of commissions I should do so.

Speaking of which, commissions! I’m entering the year of 2023 with six people thus far on the plate. The work never ends it seems. I hope I can get through them easily so I can work on my own stuff. I think after I’m done with this batch of people I’m going to go on hiatus again from writing commissions so I can focus on my own stuff.

Other than writing, I’ve been streaming too. It hasn’t really found much success compared to my writing career but it’s there. I set myself a rubric when it came to streaming. The simple 100 metric: 100 followers, 100 subscriptions, or $100 in total earned from donations. If I ever hit any of those 100s, I’d consider my streaming career to be successful. So far, I’m halfway through the follower mark so I guess I’m doing good? Then again, the majority of those are from random people passing by here and there and some were just good friends who left a following so I’m not even sure if it counts.

Regardless, I enjoy streaming so I do it for the fun of it.

Maybe things would look up coming into this new year.

So where do I go now? I’m just here I guess. I’m still working my day job; I have work this coming Tuesday. These commissions aren’t going to finish themselves. Life goes on for the most part. In regards to better prospects: I’m still looking for possible jobs that would give me the life abroad I want. In the meantime, I’ll still be here on my hot, tropical island.

I don’t know what 2023 has in store for me, and for everyone else for that matter.

The pessimist in me hopes, begs even, that COVID comes back with a vengeance and we get stuck in the hyperbolic lockdown time chamber that was 2020.

The optimist in me wishes that I would finally get the “W” I so desperately want. The big break I need to feel like my life is moving forward once more.

The realist in me just wants things to work out. It doesn’t have to be today, or tomorrow, or the end of the week, or the end of the month. I just want a sign that I can look to and know in my heart that everything will be alright; that I will get through the year and achieve the objectives I set out to do and get the things I so desperately desire.

Here’s to hoping for an amazing new year.

Here’s to making a better tomorrow.

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Los Angeles.

I miss it already. Over the past two weeks I've had the opportunity to go back to the United States and spend a vacation there. It's been a long time coming. This was something we as a family had been planning on doing since 2020 but unfortunately the pandemic threw a wrench in our plans and delayed it down the road.

But hey it happened and it was a blast.

I know the United States isn't perfect. You see it differently as a tourist. But man is it fun to visit. The plane ride was literally a pain in the ass. My butt was sore from sitting down for hours on the plane. But once we got sorted out and got to our hotel, everything was relatively smooth sailing.

My family and I mainly visited three places: Hollywood, Long Beach, and Orange County.

We went to Universal Studios, both Disney parks and even Knotts Berry Farm! Yes. It was expensive. I shudder to think how much we actually spent to get this trip out the door but this is the type of vacation we were saving up for a long time.

That and I'm fortunate that my parents are financially stable enough to actually do this sort of vacation with us tagging along with it. I hope one day I can be the same.

There's not much I can say about Hollywood and Universal. The park was amazing. Visiting Hogsmeade and seeing Hogwarts never ceases to amaze. What was even more amusing was that while we were riding the Forbidden Journey, it broke down and I found myself staring face to face with a dementor for probably three minutes before it started moving again. It was spooky to say the least.

The weather in general was cold. It was probably fine for the people that are used to it but for my tropical ass I was admittedly shaking.

Long Beach was fun. We spent a fair bit of time at The Pike. I got to see the lighthouse there and for the first time managed to ride around with those Lime Scooters. It was super fun speeding down the road, taking in the sights and whatnot. I even got to watch a movie at the local Cinemark.

I was genuinely perplexed at the notion that no one was watching the doors by the theater. Once you got in, you could sneak into the other theaters and catch multiple movies in a day. What in the world?

Orange County was where we spent the most of our time. It was admittedly nice seeing the Avengers Campus for the first time. While I agree with the notion that it does look cheap compared to something like Galaxy's Edge, I really hope Disney pumps in more money into it to make it shine the way that it deserves. Speaking of which, Galaxy's Edge was amazing. Seeing the Millennium Falcon up close and personal was something else entirely. And don't even get me started on Rise of the Resistance. That ride is just pure Disney magic. It was just unfortunate that some of the effects were a little off.

The lines for the park were something else too. I understand that Disney is one of, if not the tourist destination for families, but my goodness, the crowds were insane. My feet were sore from having to line up for long minutes just to get on the rides.

I mean most of the rides were worth it, but good lord. They really need to do something about it.

It was night and day compared to Knotts. I understand that Knotts is smaller in comparison, but it was definitely funner. What I was disappointed by was that Xcelerator was closed when we were there. I really wanted to ride that ride. Hangtime was also amazing. Going down 90 degrees is something else entirely. And don't get me started on Ghost Rider. The Gs that ride gave me completely caught me off guard.

All in all this was an amazing vacation and something I genuinely needed. It honestly reminded me that life is worth living. In some ways it also made me sad because I wanted to stay.

I know that life isn't easy in the US, the news made me well aware of it, but it's a lot better compared to how we have it in my home country.

I really hope I can find a job abroad.

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I have finally done it.

It’s been a long time coming but I finally finished my current queue of commissions. It feels really good, mainly because I am going to be taking a break. Yes, I am going on hiatus. Don’t worry. I don’t plan to stop writing at all. I enjoy it too much to not do so. But in the meantime, I’ll focus on writing my own stuff for the time being. Writing commissions are great but they’re not my ideas, so to speak.

There are some stories I want to write, namely that Halo fanfic I’ve had sitting in the back burner for a long time now, as well as a potential sequel to Knightly Duties. There’s a lot of stuff I want to get into but we shall have to see. I have to fight the forces of procrastination to succeed against them. It feels weird to stop doing commissions. I actually have a few people still interested and are patiently waiting for me to open up again, and while I could entertain them, I believe it’s better for my well being to stop taking commissions for now and actually focus on my own content.

It lets me breathe on my own.

I'm actually now about to start uploading the backlog I have of commission stories that I've been meaning to upload. Expect to see them drop over the coming days.

Aside from that, I haven’t really done much. Just been at home, working at the side. I’m just burning through the YouTube content I have to go through as well playing them videogames. In case you guys didn’t know, I actually stream on my Twitch channel. Am I a successful streamer? No, far from it. I mostly stream to an amazing viewer count of zero the majority of the time. But I do it nonetheless because I like streaming. It’s fun. It helps pass the time and lets me share my passion for gaming to people who may be interested.

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This particular weekend, I didn’t really do much. I was just at home watching Games Done Quick, the speedrunning event that is held every 6 months for charity. It was fun watching the runners do their best to try and get the fastest time while showcasing some amazing tech in games I’ve never heard of or would never play in my spare time. I didn’t watch any movies this week mainly because there wasn’t anything showing that was of interest to me in the theaters. Thor isn’t coming out until this first official week of July so I really had nothing to watch.

Other than that, it was uneventful. I really didn’t do much at work mainly because they were too busy doing something that didn’t involve me. So I was just left at the backburner to pretty much do whatever I wanted. Which I used to great effect of doing nothing. I’m a lazy person and I’m going to do whatever the hell I want even though I should probably use it to do something productive instead. I did start on the next commission in my queue. I have two left then I can finally be on hiatus for a bit to focus on my own stories for a change. I’m not sure when I’m going to be done with it but I’m targeting to at least finish it this month as per usual with my commissions. Though things can change given that I could end up being busy with work.

Speaking of which, it looks like I will be busy. My boss has finally decided to give me something harder to chew on which involves me having to learn Vue and Laravel, two frameworks I don’t really have much experience with. Well more so the latter than the former. For those of you who are reading this and aren’t in the IT field like I am, think of Vue as a framework. The web itself is primarily made on HTML, CSS, and JavaScript. I’m assuming at least you’re familiar or have heard of these three things. HTML is a markup language that dictates what’s on the web, CSS dictates how it looks, and JavaScript dictates how it functions. Vue is a framework that is built on top of those three things to make coding easier in some aspects but complicated if you’re not familiar with it.

I’ve worked with Vue before, the website my boss had me work on was made in Vue so I can at least say I have some experience with it. Not to mention the countless YouTube tutorials I had to scour to at least make me feel confident that I can work with it. So far, no one has called me out on it and said I’m a fraud.

Laravel is a framework but this time for PHP. PHP is a bit more complicated to explain since it can be both a frontend and a backend but suffice to say, think of it as the thing Vue gets its information to display on the page. Vue is the frontend and Laravel in this situation is the backend.

I’ve never really worked with Laravel in a professional capacity before, much less PHP, but I have been honestly meaning to work with it because I figure learning it would actively help bolster my resume in the long run.

So yeah, TL;DR: work is having me learn Vue and Laravel and I’m both excited and scared.

I’m excited because I finally have a reason to actually learn and apply these technologies once I get a grip on them. Learning something is easier when you’re actually forced to use it in a realistic setting.

I’m scared because I’m worried that I won’t get it. I don’t think I’m stating that enough. I have this inherent fear of being incapable; of people finding out that I’m just lying through my teeth and all I’ve done is just basically bullshit my way throughout it all. I’m extremely envious of people who exude smart and are confident in their abilities. I always second guess myself and am never sure of my own actions.

I thought that this would go away once I finish my Master’s (which I did) but if anything it got worse. Yeah I finished the degree. I’ve also been informed that I can finally get my diploma–which I can now get because my paper has been accepted for publication! But the fact of the matter is: I don’t feel smart. I don’t feel…any different. If anything, I feel dumber. Like, I just have this piece of paper now and I’m not even sure I deserve it and yet apparently I do because I managed to fulfill arbitrary academic requirements.

I’m rambling.

That’s the update for me. I’m studying again. Hoping that this would help me in the long run. My goal is to find a job abroad and learning Vue and Laravel is definitely going to increase the pool of possible jobs I can apply to. Amusingly enough my boss just sent me a 40 minute crash course video on YouTube about Vue and Laravel–a video I’ve seen before and added to my playlist of things I should watch.

If 40 minutes worth of study material is what he thinks is good enough for me to start working with Vue and Laravel (IMO, it definitely isn’t) then maybe I’m just being a bit too harsh on myself. Either way, I’m definitely going to sink more time than that.

I just really hope I learn it. Good lord, I hope I do.

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I finally started my new job.

It’s been…

It’s been interesting.

I can’t really pass judgment on it this early since I just started this April 1. I’m literally still fresh to it but first impressions thus far have been…underwhelming. I don’t know. I could be wrong. Maybe they’re holding back the “harder” stuff for me to do since they don’t want to overwhelm me. But for someone who was preparing himself for the worst thing ever, this feels like an insult almost. But the last thing I want is to eat my words. The next thing I know, maybe my boss would throw me something really hard and I’d freak the hell out. Either way, a job is a job.

I would say I’m content with it, but I’m definitely not happy with it. This job feels like I settled. Then again, I really needed a new job after all. After everything that had happened with my previous job and how uncertain it all was, I really needed something to hold me together. I don’t want to complain anymore. It feels like that’s all I’ve ever done and I feel bad for unloading most of the time to people who would give me their time of day.

I know I need to be better.

For those of you wondering, my mental health has not been so stellar. I think it has been slowly deteriorating for a while now and I’m not even sure if I’ll ever get it back to “normal”, whatever normal was to begin with. It just feels like I’m at a crossroads. I just want everything to stop. Maybe reset. Go back to a simpler time and start over again. I feel like I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I’m now forever screwed because I can’t change the course that I am on. Either that or I’m too scared to do anything about it anymore.

I don’t know. I’m just rambling at this point. Whatever. This is my journal. And I can write whatever the hell I want in it.

I probably should get help, like professional help. But to be honest, I’m scared of doing it. My mind tells me that there’s no point in taking it. I like the idea of therapy but I’m not sure what they can exactly do that’ll make me feel better. Maybe if they give me prescription drugs to help balance the wackiness that’s happening in my brain, maybe. But I’m not sure if telling a doctor how I feel detached from everything and have crazy mood swings is going to really help solve problems.

I think my main problem right now is just being directionless and being unsure of where to go in life. That and being unhappy with my current situation. Like, I’m not happy that this is how my life is going. I know I have the power to turn things around. Take things by the hand and steer by myself but I’m also scared of doing so as it’s way outside of my comfort zone.

… I don’t even know where I’m going with this journal. I just wanted to tell you guys–the ones who actually bother to read my journals, that I got a new job and it has started. I hate the hours as it’s 9am to 6pm and I have six days of work. I’m literally working more for less pay compared to my previous job.

I already miss it. If only circumstances didn’t force me to jump ship.

But sometimes life just makes you do these crazy things.

Who knows. Maybe this would work out in the end. Maybe my mental health would upright itself. Perhaps it is all just in my head. But for what it’s worth, I’m just hanging in there. I’m going to try and take things in stride. I understand that I’m very fortunate to have these kinds of problems and not the ones most of the people I see have.

I’ll keep you guys posted.

---

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I am a mixed bag of emotions.

I am happy. I am relieved. I am anxious. I am worried. I am unsettled.

Currently, I am feeling a lot of things. The job hunt is finally over. I finally landed that job that can get me out of the predicament I’ve been in. It was a long and mentally trying moment in my life but I am finally glad that I have something to focus on. The irony is that it’s not even the job I wanted.

By the end of February, I was hedging my bets on two companies: A, and B. Company A was the one I was vying for the most part. I really wanted to get it because what they were offering was great and working there would really help me in the long run in terms of things it can add to my skill set.

Company B on the other hand was just a whatever. It was a throwaway option that I kept on my hand because why the hell not. I was never really invested in it and would not have been devastated if I didn’t land it. It wasn’t bad or anything; quite the contrary. The place seemed decent, and the office wouldn’t be far from where I lived, compared to A where I would have an hour of commute if I were to get it. I just wasn’t interested in it.

Unfortunately, life has this amusing way of twisting things. Or at least that’s how I perceived it. I ended up getting rejected for Company A whilst Company B offered me a job offer by the 2nd round of interviews. Despite me not wanting it, I accepted. Better to walk away with something than nothing at all.

So here I am: managing my paperwork and getting things sorted out so I can start working again. I handed in my resignation letter to my boss the other day and it was an amicable separation. I kind of feel bad actually. I really loved working for my current, or in this case, former company. The pay was great, the work environment was amazing, and the people were decent. It was honestly a company where I could see myself working till the sun sets. It was that good. Which is rare in today’s landscape.

But alas, the company itself wasn’t immune to the effects of COVID. Business went sideways and we had to get pay cuts. Management wasn’t the best and communication was terrible.

I had my exit interview with my boss and I told him all the grievances I had with the job and it felt very cathartic. It felt very nice to just tell someone how I felt, especially when it involved them specifically. It was like removing weights on my chest and I could breathe again. These past days I actually woke up feeling normal. Like, I don’t wake up anymore, having this dark cloud above me or this ball and chain strapped to my leg.

I felt like I could be happy again.

Which is saying a lot when I’m anxious about my new job. I’m worried that I might make a fool of myself. I’m worried that I might mess up. I’m worried that my new job might give me something I’m unable to do. It’s this suffocating sense of pressure that is oddly familiar as I’ve been through it before. I’m not sure how I’ll fare in my new job. At most I can give it my best shot.

Uncertainty is such a dastardly thing.

On the bright side though, my headspace has gotten better enough to the point where I can actually feel comfortable writing again. I can feel like I can “live” again. Granted, the problems are far from over: I still have to get my thing published. I still need to get my thesis revised enough that the publication accepts it. It had to take a backseat because of all of this job hunting. So I’m hoping to finally get that out of the way. At some point, I also need to get my ass off this island and into a better country and a life abroad.

It’s one problem after the other. It never ends.

I never expected to land this job that I have now.

Hopefully the next surprise will be a good one.

---

---

Yeah.

I messed up.

Last Wednesday, I had a job interview. Long story short, it was decent. I made a good impression and I was scheduled to do a technical exam. They were going to see if I could bite the same way I could bark.

It didn’t go well.

30 minutes in and I wanted to give up.

What makes it worse was that it wasn’t really that hard in hindsight–it was frankly quite simple. However, due to the nature of it being a test, I wasn’t allowed to have outside resources or references to view. So I was going in blind than I normally do. I’m at this point in my life as a programmer where I don’t memorize everything the same way I used to as a student. If there’s something I don’t know I just Google it. I’d argue that being able to know what you’re looking for to solve a problem is far more important than hindering yourself by memorizing syntax every day.

But I digress.

I did what I could. Obviously I wasn’t able to complete the exam. I was missing specific features they asked for. Nonetheless, there was a short discussion afterwards and I explained my shoddy work to the interviewer who remained professional despite me barely keeping it internally together. It’s surprising how calm you can be when you’ve already accepted defeat.

At the end we shared pleasantries and said that I should keep my lines open as they’ll get back to me sometime during the week. Which I'm assuming is for a final interview if by some miracle I do pass.

I’m not holding my breath.

What really bums me out even further was that the exercise they gave me was literally something I studied a tutorial for days prior. It just so happens that I didn’t remember the majority of the code that I did. I do however still have the code that I wrote for it. If I had access to it, the technical exam would have gone very, very differently. But alas, I wasn’t allowed to view it.

I don’t know what I’m going to fucking do with myself.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m actually smart or intelligent as people think or see me to be, or I’m just a lucky dumbass who manages to bumble his way to success every now and then.

Because I genuinely cannot tell anymore. I feel ashamed for having this fucking Master’s Degree that I have when I can’t pass a simple object oriented programming test. It might as well be a piece of paper weight at this point. I feel like I’ve let my friends down who I’ve told about this. I’ve let myself down. Hell, it feels like I’ve let my parents down and I never even told them that I was applying for a new job. It’s a good thing I didn’t, I suppose. It just sucks when they’re successful in their respective careers, meanwhile I’m over here stuck in a dead end job and clearly floundering and unable to find any modicum of success worth being proud of.

I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know where else to apply.

I suppose I’m going to have to keep looking either way.

Who knows. Maybe by some miracle I pass, but I don’t want to do that to myself. That’s not how life works, especially mine.

---

I just want to stop existing. I knew it was a mistake for me to have survived COVID.



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---

So.

2021, huh?

What a year.

To me, 2021 was a year of endings and new beginnings. A few significant milestones happened to me. For one thing, I graduated. As mentioned in the previous journal, I finally finished my graduate course that took four years. Although I have fully graduated and finished my academics, technically speaking, it is not over. There is still something I’m obligated to do. I still need to present my paper in a forum or in a conference, as well as get it published in a publication for me to be able to get my diploma as well as my transcript of records. I know. It’s crazy, I hate it, but that’s a thing I still have to do. I’ll worry about it next year, I suppose.

But yeah, I finished university. Again.

Outside of that, I got COVID. Getting to be part of a once in a lifetime plague was very interesting. I’ve written about it in length in another journal, but suffice to say, I don’t think it’s an experience I’m willing to do again anytime soon, if at all.

My writing has been a bit iffy this year. In hindsight, I wrote a lot of things. It’s just unfortunate that the majority of it were commissions. I don’t mean that in a bad way. It’s great actually. I made good money! I bought a PS5, and a new GPU using smut money, and I don’t think there’s any better way to spend it if you asked me. However looking back I wish I wrote more for myself.

I say that as I wrote what probably is the greatest thing I’ve written thus far: Knightly Duties.

I’m so proud of that story. If you guys haven’t read it, I highly, highly recommend you guys check it out. I put my heart and soul into that thing, it’s insane. I never thought I would ever write a novel in under a month, but apparently when the creative juices flow, you just don’t stop. I’m actually planning on writing more stories in that universe. I’m actually drafting the sequel to it. The outline has been made and it’s shaping up to be just as lewd as the first one. So if any of you are fans of the world I presented in that story, you’re in luck. I can’t promise you it’ll be as long as the first one, but who knows. Let’s see what happens, right?

So yeah. 2022 is right around the corner. My plans? I’m not sure. More writing, I suppose, but that’s a given. My regulars have been hounding me on when I could start working on their commissions even though I’m still officially closed and on hiatus. Apparently some people just really love my writing that much.

I’ve begun looking for a new job. I wanted a new change of pace. I’ve even thrown my resume at some foreign job postings to see if any of those bite. I don’t expect them to reply but you know, why the hell not. I have nothing to lose.

All in all, 2021 was a fun filled year of being at home and just doing our best to survive amidst the plague that ravaged the planet. It seems that the fun is ending and that the world is now trying to revert back to the way things were. 2022 is going to be a year of new beginnings. Hopefully, the opportunities come and they will be good to me. Because, honestly, I could do with some more good news, at least for me anyways. I know it sounds selfish but whatever.

I hope you all have had a wonderful holiday, time spent with family, or with friends that care about you and love you for who you are. If you were alone, then that’s alright too. We all need some time to ourselves.

Happy holidays everyone.

---

Stay safe out there and remember: Go Beyond! PLUS ULTRA!

Till next time!



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---

So, last Thursday, December 16, 2021, something significant happened.

I graduated.

Now for those of you who don’t know, I was previously studying for a degree in Master’s in Information Technology. It took me four years, but after all that hard work, I finally graduated. Wore the whole toga, had the cap and everything. It’s definitely a milestone no one can ever take away from me.

It feels…weird.

I always thought that once I get to this point in time, once I graduate, I’d be a different person; I don’t know, maybe someone smarter? Someone more mature? Someone that knows what they want in life and isn’t afraid to take it. I feel like I’m none of these things. If anything, I don’t feel any different at all. I feel like I’m still the same person I was back four years ago when I started this whole thing. Taking the degree only cemented my concerns that I don’t know enough. Sure, I have this degree, but now it feels like this weight on my shoulders. People see it and expect that I’m smart when I feel that I’m not. I feel dumb. I’m worried that I’m just a fake.

Even more so when I see the classmates that I took this degree with. Near the end, our class of aspiring Masters were whittled down to six people. Three were teachers, one was the head of the IT department at their workplace, one was a supervisor, and then there’s me: just a simple code monkey. My credentials aren’t anything impressive compared to these people, even more as that IT Head is a friend of mine. If there was anyone in our batch who, I feel anyway, deserved to graduate was him. He was smart, capable, well versed in the industry, had a large swath of technical knowhow, and can easily blow me out of the water. I'm a small fry compared to this guy.

Out of us six, I was the only one that graduated. That sounds impressive and I sound like I’m bragging but I’m not. They had respective problems that hampered their progress and ultimately grinded it to a halt; their jobs were tedious, life was getting in the way, COVID happened; a multitude of reasons that culminated to their academic progress crawling to a stop.

I want to say that I was the one who persevered through it all. Worked the sleepless nights, toiled at the break of dawn to try and get this degree in order. And in some perspectives, that’s true. It was only through sheer will, determination, and sunk cost fallacy that I wanted to get this done since I was so close to the finish line, it would be a shame to throw it all away.

But I wonder: is that enough? Does that make me “worthy” of this degree? Because I just so happened to be the guy who was stubborn enough to keep going?

It’s been something on my mind over the past few days.

Did I learn anything at all? My anxiety has been on edge ever since I finished.

I’ve been meaning to look for a new job and I have this worry that employers would expect greater things from me. I don’t know if I could deliver. If I ever can.

I remember the words of one of the panelists when they viewed my thesis and I think it perfectly encapsulates who I am.

“Crude, but functional.”

I’m just aggressively mediocre.

… I don’t know. I’m just rambling at this point.

Who even reads these things anyway? Most people are probably having fun, enjoying the holiday spirit. And who can blame them? It’s the holidays! The time you spend with family to reflect on the current year and look forward to the next. 2022 is right around the corner and with COVID may or may not be dying, people are happy that life is “going back to normal”, whatever that means.

As for me? I’m unsure of what I’m going to be doing.

My thoughts are scattered.

Just like my life.

---

Stay safe out there and remember: Go Beyond! PLUS ULTRA!

Till next time!

PRICES CAN BE FOUND HERE: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/43889298/

I am now officially open to taking commissions again.

You may contact me through Twitter DMs, FurAffinity Notes, or SoFurry Private Messages. If you have Telegram or Discord, I have those too.

In regards to what I will write, I'm fairly open to any subject matter outside of: scat, extreme violence, watersports, and gore.

Anything that isn't mentioned outright is subject to a case by case basis so do not be afraid to ask me if your kink is something I'm alright writing about.

I only accept payments through PayPal and the currency is USD.

The medium that I will write your commission on will be through Google Docs and I will provide a link for you to read your story as I am writing it.

If you need samples of my work, feel free to peruse my gallery at your leisure :D



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---

I got COVID.

Yes, you read that right.

I got the Rona. The VARUS. THE BEERUS. The thing that’s been trendy as of late--yes, I’m being facetious.

Symptoms started for me around July 24th, Saturday. I woke up with a raging headache. It felt like the flu. I was groggy, out of it, and it felt like the world swayed with each throb of my head. It was painful. At the time, I didn’t think much of it. I just got sick. My mom had it too, as well as my dad. My mom and I opted to handle the best way we could: take flu medication and just sleep it off.

That’s what my mom always taught me. The best cure for any ailment (within reason, obviously) is just to sleep it off. Sleep always helps, and it helps your body lockdown and recover. So that’s what we did. I just slept on and off, and stayed mostly in my room. Fever came and went, and I had a cold to go along with it. Thankfully, the headache passed, and I was left with a cough the next day and a fever that came and went.

However, that was when things got serious.

In case you’re wondering, the point of infection was from my dad.

For the sake of not making you all worry: we’re all safe. I’m safe. My mom is safe. My dad is safe. We have successfully recovered, and we’re just recovering at home.

At the time however, I was angry at my dad. When the pandemic struck, I always treated it with the respect that it demanded, not the one it deserved. I always wore a mask when going to public places. I always sanitized. I always socially distanced whenever I could. The idea of how dangerous this thing is never left my mind, and I never let it. And for a while it worked. I was vibing over here, and covid was vibing over there. We were both minding our own businesses.

Unfortunately, there are some things I can't control.

My dad being one of them. Suffice to say he got himself infected. I’m not going to elaborate on the matter, just that he did. People who do know the story, the ones I have told at the time of it happening, you guys keep it to yourselves. In hindsight, I suppose it’s best not to air dirty family laundry like that out in the open.

So yeah. My dad got himself infected. And through him, me, and my mom. It was around July 24th when I started showing symptoms. It was on July 25th when he had to be admitted to the hospital, despite his stubbornness on the matter. He actually insisted to stay home (which we were later informed could have been a fatal action. So yeah~) but it was thanks to my mom and I that we were able to convince him to go admit himself. My mom opted to go with my dad and thus both of them had to stay at the hospital, the former watching over the latter.

I had to self-quarantine at home. Throughout this, we were swabbed and we tested positive.

It was on the morning of the 26th that I lost my sense of taste and smell.

It’s a surreal feeling. One moment you can taste and smell everything. The next thing you know, you’re shoving hotdog in your face and you don’t smell anything at all. I could close my eyes and I could put anything in my mouth and I would not be able to tell you what it is. Whenever I ate, it was like I was eating air. I knew what I was eating. But nothing was registered. It was just...a thing in my mouth. I was ordered to take antibiotics throughout this period and I could flip flop the medication in my mouth and it wouldn’t taste like anything at all. I lost the desire to eat food. You only realize how taste is important when you lose it.

Throughout this entire time, my mom kept in touch with us while they were at the hospital. At the time, my dad was effectively fighting for his life. He had severe pneumonia and his lungs were battered and bruised from coughing too much. His oxygen levels were tanking.

It was a really bad look.

I cried. A lot. My mom cried. My younger sister cried, at least I think so. The point is, the gravity of the situation was not lost on us. I went through stages of grief at that point, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I don’t think I’ve prayed so much and so hard in those early days. My relationship with my dad is strained at best. The best way to put it is that he’s old, and I’m young. And the generational gap leaves a lot of problems with him being stuck in the past and me being in the present, to say the least.

But despite all this, he was still my dad, and thus, I didn’t want him to die.

When you have Covid, you’re literally given a health bar in the form of the Pulse Oximeter. You can Google it, but basically, it’s just a small device that clips onto your finger and measures your oxygen level, as well as your pulse. It’s very cheap, very small, but it’s very important. If you’re a healthy individual, your oxygen levels should normally be around 97 to 99.

When you have Covid, this number begins to tank. I’m talking: when you cough (and you will want to cough a lot when you have Covid) that number dips. From 97, to 96, 95...eventually to 90, and then 88. Now you may think “88 is fine, right?”. No. It isn’t. When you go down 90 below, it’s critical. That’s the time you need to get yourself admitted and start breathing oxygen directly into your lungs.

My dad had to get strong volumes of pure oxygen pumped into his nose (he wasn’t intubated, thankfully enough) so that his oxygen levels would stabilize.

It was on July 29th that I had a bad coughing fit and my oxygen levels went down to 88. It was at this point that my mom opted to get me admitted as well. She wasn’t taking any chances, and I can’t blame her. Thankfully, a room had opened up as well and I was reserved a slot.

While I was in that Emergency Room waiting for my room to be sterilized, it really showed me just how...depressing this all is. I’ve seen it in the news. Emergency Rooms filled to the brim of patients diagnosed with Covid, some unable to be admitted to a ward because all the wards are filled. You see nurses in PPE outfits walking around, trying to monitor patients. There’s this certain atmosphere you don’t feel when you’re just watching it on the news.

Being there personally, it felt crushing. I could feel death walking those halls.

The nurses and doctors themselves have been fighting this pandemic for a year now and with no signs of stopping too. It’s insane. I felt bad for them. The patients were from all walks of life; male, female, old, young, Covid wasn’t picky. It was going to take everyone with it if you allowed it to.

Eventually though, I got sent to my room.

I saw my mom for the first time and I felt relieved. My dad was in his room, still on medication.

It was July 29th 10pm and it was only just the beginning.

The first night was interesting. I got chills. They had to give me paracetamol every four hours to ward off my fever that came and went. I tried to sleep, but I couldn’t. I ended up sleeping in chunks. I’ve always struggled sleeping when I’m not in my room, so the new environment wasn’t doing me any favors.

It was on July 30th that I got visited by the doctor assigned to me. He told me that he wanted to give me a CT Scan since my X-Ray came out inconclusive. They wanted to see my lungs and a CT Scan would give more direct results. I was more than happy to oblige. At this point, I was also informed on what treatment they would give me.

In case you’re wondering, AFAIK and as of typing this journal, THERE IS NO CURE for Covid.

There are TREATMENTS for COVID, but there is no medication that you can take that will cure you of it. Semantics, I know, but they’re important differences. The doctor told me that they were going to give me Remdesivir, an antiviral medication as a “Compassionate Use”, as well as anti inflammatory medication and steroids.

That is, if the CT Scan came out with me needing it.

And...it did come out with me needing it. I was scanned and was later informed that I had Covid induced pneumonia.

It was later that evening when things got really interesting.

At this point, my symptoms were primarily an annoying cough and a fever that came and went. Whenever I took a deep breath, I wanted to cough. It was caused by my pneumonia. It was annoying, but It was manageable. I felt “fine”. My oxygen levels were relatively fair. I wasn’t dipping. I believed the worst of the symptoms had come and went.

But I was proven wrong.

It was around 7pm when it happened. I was trying to sleep. Then...my breaths started feeling shallower. At first I thought it was just me. But then it dawned on me that it was actually happening. I was beginning to have shortness of breath. I never had shortness of breath before, so the experience was scary to me. Imagine lying on your stomach and then trying to take a deep breath. Because you’re on your stomach, you end up taking this “half” breath--because of how strained you are.

That was happening to me except I was just lying there, relaxed and lethargic as can be. Suffice to say, I panicked. I genuinely thought I was going to suffocate. I called the nurse and was dutifully informed to try and do deep breaths to help with the situation. Unfortunately, it didn’t help. In hindsight, most likely from me panicking. Eventually, I was given a low volume of oxygen to help stabilize myself.

I couldn’t talk. Whenever I tried, it would take my breath away. My sentences would trail to silence as there was not enough air in my lungs for me to speak. I was that short of breath. I struggled to sleep. I had to focus on deep breathing and if you’re focusing, you can’t relax enough to sleep. It was...an experience, to say the least.

That was by far the scariest thing Covid has thrown at me.

The next day, I eventually got my breath back.

The days that followed were just us there. My dad started getting better, and I eventually got my taste back. Toothpaste tasted VERY WEIRD during the day I could taste it. It felt so alien.

We eventually got discharged on August 4th. We survived.

Right now, we’re just at home. My younger sister contracted Covid (yes, my mom was rightfully stressed out about it too) but thankfully it’s just a mild case of it. The worst she has of it is a cough. We’re all isolating at home, riding out the remnants of Covid. I still have some light headedness and an annoying cough. Everything tastes the same for me, but I believe my taste buds will orient themselves in the coming weeks. Other than that, I’m fine. We’d be cleared by the doctor to be “free” again in a week or so.

So that’s my experience with Covid. It’s not fun.

Get yourselves vaccinated people. And yes, I wanted to be vaccinated. Unfortunately, I got Covid literally four days before I was scheduled to be vaccinated. Sometimes life just comes at you like that.

Is this meant to scare people about Covid? I don’t think you need me to scare you of that.

If anything, I hope this can be informative to people. Covid affects everyone differently. I’m fortunate, and forever thankful, that nothing “serious” ever happened to our family. I want to be hopeful and say that by the end of the year, this thing will be gone. But realistically, that’s not going to happen.

This is going to be a long dark spot in human history.

---

Stay safe out there and remember: Go Beyond! PLUS ULTRA!

Till next time!



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---

It.

Is.

Done.

It took FOUR years to get here. But I can finally say it. I. Am. Done.

I did my Final Defense yesterday, on Monday, June 28, 2021. I was super nervous, and I really wasn’t sure how things were going to pan out. Thankfully however, it worked for the better. I presented with the PowerPoint and then I answered the Q&A afterwards. I was anxious but at the end of it, the thesis committee granted me with the words I oh so wanted to hear.

I passed with minor revisions.

No words can sum up how happy I felt that day. It felt super surreal. I never imagined I would get this far. Hell, when I started this degree, I wasn’t even sure what my thesis was going to be. I had half a mind decided that I would just give up and not do the thesis at all. But of course, I was never one to leave things off when I’ve sunk so much time into it. So I persevered. There were a lot of frustrating nights, mental anguish, and just downright depression that came and went.

And now, I can look back at it in hindsight.

Would I do this again? Hell no. I do not recommend getting a Master’s Degree at all. I can safely say I have one now, but I sure as hell am not going to go for the gold and go get a PhD. It takes a different kind of person to get one, and I was not that person. The only reason I got this far is just out of pure stubbornness and the sunken cost fallacy. If anything, a part of the reason I wanted a Master’s was because I wanted the bragging rights.

Yes, you read that right.

I did it for the clout.

Joking aside, the bragging rights were a part of the reason, outside of the realistic ones.

But yeah, it’s so nice to finally not have this weighing me down. I’ve been splurging as of late to celebrate the occasion. I bought a Switch! I sure hope I didn’t make a wrong decision and have Nintendo suddenly announce a Pro version right out of the blue. I would be pissed off to say the least.

Now that I actually have the free time, I’ll be officially opening up commissions again. However, I am thinking of upping the prices. Nothing is final yet until I release the updated commissions sheet so if you are reading this and you want to commission me, just give me a few days and I’ll get it sorted out.

I’ll be posting my backlog stories as well. These are stuff I’ve been writing whenever I had the chance. A few are commissions I decided to do while I was on hiatus because I wanted something to do.

I’ve also been thinking of streaming. I haven’t really sorted it out yet, but I am serious about trying it. I’m not sure what my content would be, but you can best be sure it’ll be about video games. Hell, I bought a capture card (I really have been splurging) and it’ll let me stream the games from my consoles! I’d probably be streaming games like Apex Legends, or PS1 games or whatever. I’ve been thinking about playing The Legend of Dragoon. A good friend of mine is having me play Digimon CyberSleuths--a digimon JRPG. It has been fun as well too!

If you’re ever interested, check me out at twitch.tv/rovas117

I’m not going to ask you to subscribe or donate, but you can leave me a follow. Because that’s free!

Overall though, I’m not sure what lies ahead of me. I honestly didn’t dare to think or plan what would happen after I got my degree. I didn’t want to set up expectations that may fall apart.

But now that I’m here? I’ll think I’ll just enjoy this moment before I start worrying about life again. I could use the break.

---

Stay safe out there and remember: Go Beyond! PLUS ULTRA!

Till next time!



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---

Wow. It’s been a long while since I last posted a journal. I’m definitely not as active here on FurAffinity as I am on DeviantART in terms of writing journals. Yes, I actually have one of those things. I used to be very active there when I was still in High School. Nowadays, I treat it like a livejournal more than anything else.

Anyways.

2021 is here upon us. You don’t need me to tell you how crazy 2020 was. With the pandemic, the crazy calamities, the entire world being on fire, both literally and metaphorically, the election and you get the idea. It’s been crazy.

But that aside, 2020 has actually been a somewhat interesting year for me. Being forced to work at home, it’s allowed me to actually work on personal stuff. Because, I know it’s hard to believe, but I get paid to sit on my ass at the office and pretend I’m doing work when in reality I’m not. It’s a long story.

The point is, I’ve done a lot of writing in 2020. Both in commissions AND in personal stuff. I’ve released 15 stories last year: 8 of which have been commissions, and the rest being personal stories and collaborations made with friends. It’s been a very productive year for me, all things considered.

Doing commission work has been both an enjoyable experience and a tiresome one. It’s nice to earn extra cash on the side, even more so since USD is bigger than our local currency. But it can be draining. Doing all those 8 commissions took a lot out of me, given how long they were. I’ve actually decided to go on a writing hiatus. I need it since I’m burned out from writing.

Does that mean I’ll stop taking commissions? For a while, yes. The ones that I have in the pipeline right now are still underway. If you’re one of those people, then don’t worry. I’ll work on it. If you happen to be a person interested in commissioning me, I might make exceptions. The whole reason I’m doing this break is because writing has burnt me out. However, if you make a compelling case for a commission, I can make an exception.

Doing this break lets me relax and just do whatever; maybe actually be a responsible student and work on that thing I need to do for college. But yeah, writing’s been good. I’m glad that I’m getting commission work. However, it concerns me that I have nothing but repeat customers. You guys like my work that much, huh? You know who you are, and if you’re an avid reader of my stories, you know who these people are.

That said, 2021 is a brand new year and much like everyone else, I’m hopeful for it. I’m going to try (keyword: try) to aim to release 12 personal stories for the entirety of the year, one for each month. Getting money for commission work is great, but there’s a different joy to just writing something for the hell of it. I’m looking forward to expanding more of the world that Dracana University exists in. It’s nice to have something to call my own.

There’s also me in talks with a good friend of mine   virens for some fun collaborations. We already have a Digimon story in the works, and planned American Dragon, and Naruto fanfics for the future. They’re going to be a smut fest and I’m already looking forward to writing them. I also may or may not be writing a Breath of the Wild fanfic, or at least heavily thinking about it, because my goodness I am pining very hard for them Rito birds.

Outside of creative stuff, not much is happening at my end. Still doing work from home and just playing all the videogames.

If any of you guys play Call of Duty Warzone, Overwatch, or even Apex Legends, and need a team member, hit me up. I’m in dire need of people to play with on PC. I mainly play support for both OW and Apex.

If you need to see how I play in Apex, this is one of my better highlight reels:



I don’t have a good highlight reel for Warzone, since I play in Singles and all I do is hide in bushes. LOL

But yeah, I think I’ve said my piece. Till the next time I post.

Happy New Year! Stay safe out there and remember: Go Beyond! PLUS ULTRA!

---

Till next time!

COMMISSION PRICE SHEET

Tier 1: Story, short, 2k words $20
Tier 2: Story, medium, 4k words $35
Tier 3: Story, long, 6k words $45

$5 per additional 1k words requested.

COMMISSION GUIDELINES

1. If you're unsure if your idea is something I'll write about, feel free to ask me and I will tell you if I'm down to write it or not. I'm a pretty flexible writer that can deal with varied kinks.

For reference however, I prefer NOT to work on stories involving: Watersports, scat and vore. Those stories just don't sit well with me.

2. When it comes to how long your commission would take, I'll be honest, I'm somewhat of a slow writer. Regardless, I will do my best to attend to your commission as much as I can.

3. Your commission will be made on Google Docs, so you will be able to have access to it.

4. Before choosing the tier you want, please make sure that your commission idea is actually fleshed out enough that it can cover the length that you requested. It's hard to write a story when there's little story for me to go on.

Contact
Feel free to note me on FurAffinity or on SoFurry if you guys are interested in getting any of your fantasies become a reality.

~~~~~ 2016 Retrospective ~~~~~

The end of the year.

It feels weird to be frankly honest. A whole year has passed and yet it feels like it hasn't. Time seems to have moved way past me without me even realizing. I mean for goodness sake, last year on this same date, I was bawling my eyes out, the will to live utterly snuffed out of me because everything around me was falling apart. I was stuck in a dead end job and it felt like it was the end of the road for me.

Simply put, I was a drama king. I hated my job and beinburned by missed job opportunities one after the other left me rotten to the core. I was depressed and lashed out to anyone who tried to get near me. It affected my work performance (I could honestly give lesg s of a damn about it though) and I ended up making a lot of bad mistakes in talking with people which in turn cost me those friendships.

Man I was such in a bad place a year ago.

And yet. Here we are. 2016 is ending and 2017 is literally right around the corner.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I would be where I am now. I got out of the hell hole I was in and finally got the job I've always been wanting for the longest time. I was brought one step closer to achieving my lifelong aspiration in life.

Just. Wow. A lot can really happen in under a year.

I managed to finally play one of the greatest game that is near and dear to my heart which was Undertale. It really made me feel things I never knew I could feel. Not only that, but this year also made me officially turn to PC gaming, having been fed up with console gaming.

I've also met a lot of people online, forged some friendship and strengthening them as 2017 rolls around the corner. I'm still working on trying to find IRL friends but I'll cross that bridge eventually.

My thoughts are so scattered right now but damn was 2016 filled with a lot of ups and downs. I watched a lot of anime to boot. Finally got into Hunter x Hunter. That show is 10 out of 10. Would recommend it to anyone who's looking for an anime you can sink your teeth into. Another notable show I watched was Avatar The Legend of Aang. Even though it's an old one, the quality of the storytelling is still amazing and still holds up to this day. I'm looking forward to watching it's next series the legend of Korra.

My writing also showed a lot of promise if I do say so myself. I've finally posted a few smut stories here and there but I'm still finding my way. I'm trying to find that perfect balance between storytelling and smut and it's still a challenge. It's been a source of stress for me but I've really hunkered down as of late and looked inwards. There was a reason why I loved writing back then and why I started doing it. I lost this reason in trying to appease the imaginary people I made up in my mind.

It took a long time but I think I finally found that reason again. And it was all thanks to Fanfiction. I'm definitely looking back at writing with a fresher perspective now than I used to. There was a time I could write an amazing piece of fiction without having to rely on smut as a crutch. I think...it's time for me to really bring that writer back again.

I think I've rambled for far too long now. 2016 is now old and 2017 is just a few hours from now. It was a dumpster fire in some aspects but damn was that blaze of fire guiltily fun to watch.

Here's to hoping better things are to come in 2017.

Here's to hoping for an amazing tomorrow.

Here's to making an amazing tomorrow.

See you all next year.

~~~~~ END ~~~~~

It's been a while guys. Sorry for not posting. Don't worry, I am posting a BIG story soon. So peeps who have been wondering where I've been, don't worry. I'm still alive. XD

That said, I've been thinking of opening up commissions to at least help me in my daily expenses in life.

What do you guys think? Would you guys commission me for stories? Say, something around MAYBE $20 / 2k words? Something like that?

I could really use some feedback.

*kicks previous depressive journal out of the way*

Wow, that journal was definitely damn depressive.

Well hello guys, I am still alive if you guys can't see that. I suppose it's only fair that I update you on all on what's happening in my life now, even though you might not care. It only seems fair. I'm doing far, far better now than I've ever been before. I got the programming job that I've been vying for, for the longest time, and I got it in the most miraculous of ways. Yes, I am now a programmer =3 A much better occupation than that stupid BPO job I had before.

Ugh, I cannot stress enough how grateful I am and how much I love my new job.

With this new improvement in my life, I can now focus on other, far better things! Like writing =3 I do hope you guys like what I've been posting so far. I admit, I really worked hard on those. But then again, I understand that FurAffinity isn't exactly a writer friendly atmosphere which is why I understand why it wasn't as well received as than it was at SoFurry. Still, I am glad nonetheless at the splash it created when I finally started dropping them.

I hope you guys would like to read more because I plan to write more of them.

====

If you guys noticed, I posted an artwork featuring a certain program I created. They say that "necessity is the mother of invention" and that's why I created the Story Formatter, programmed by yours truly. It's basically a program that is aimed to help writers like me (and hopefully you, my dear reader who took the time to read this) to post good, and easy to read submissions over at FA. I personally know how hard it is to work with FurAffinity's UI in terms of posting stories. It's not exactly the most intuitive and frankly it's far more tedious than it's worth.

Writer support isn't exactly as strong as it is in SoFurry. Regardless, I do hope that this program will help ease the pain of posting stories here.

If you have any questions in regards to how to use it, feel free to ask me.

The program is free for use for anyone but hey, if you like it well enough, why not give out a donation =3. Even something as small as $1 can go a long way.

====

Since I'm being more active in writing now, what do you guys think of me opening up for commissions? I feel like I'm shouting at the void here since really, who reads these journals anyway? But still, there may be dedicated fans of mine (if you are, I salute you sir) who are taking the time to read this and want their fantasies to become realities.

Would you guys be interested in paying me to write literary smut? I mean, you have seen what I can do already. Granted, I'm not the fastest writer there is, but I pride myself in quality before anything else. =3

Leave your thoughts at the comments below. I'd like to hear them.

The Sudden Stop

April 27, 2015 - March 21, 2016

10 months and 23 days to be exact. That is the total amount of time I spent working at the job I used to have. Yeah, you guys. This past Saturday was my last day of work.

I got laid off.

It's the news where our campaign found it necessary to lay off people because of business purposes. Yeah, that news came with the fact that there would be six people that needed to be laid off. Unfortunately, I was the fourth person to be let go. To clarify, it wasn't a termination, it was an end of contract. Honestly, the news didn't come as a surprise. I had suspicions that I was being eyed for the chopping block and it eventually came to light when my boss gave me the papers confirming everything.

Am I sad?

Not really. I hated the place, down to the very core. I've always made this clear in my past journals and even to a point my boss was aware of it. Sure, I was responsible enough to do my job--I'm not stupid--but my heart wasn't in it. It never was. That's why three months in I started job hunting in the first place. They were great people, my coworkers and even my boss, but really, the environment and the circumstances where we met were truly less than ideal. I was in an environment that really wasn't just my cup of tea. Too much talking, and frankly too much focus on numbers rather than what the person was doing.

The job itself felt robotic. Day in, day out, it was the same thing, and I never felt like I was growing, in terms of my professional career. If anything, it stagnated, going backwards even--losing important lessons I learned in college that will greatly help me down the line for simpler mind numbing details that I honestly could care less about.

Sure, that sounds harsh--you may say "you should've been grateful that you had a job to begin with". Don't get me wrong, I am. Having a job is far better than not having one; a lot of people would clamor to have a job than be homeless. And that logic is very sound, I can't argue with that; that's been the very same logic I've been telling myself endlessly just to keep me going throughout the entire time I was working there.

But for a brief moment, put yourself in my shoes.

I studied Computer Science for four years of my life. Bending over backwards just to pass my subjects and have good grades and all that. Studied everything I can and was a very positive and very nice person, having big dreams and never ending drive to achieve those dreams. Then juxtapose that idea with the notion of being in a job that felt like you weren't going anywhere. Sure, you could aim for promotions, but when you're a technical person who went through all that trouble of studying hardcore CALCULUS just to sit in front of a computer and handle very simple Excel files and basically do matching type sort of tests and call that a job, well, it just feels wrong.

I felt like I was insulting myself. Going through all that trouble and in the end, just doing that, it didn't add up. I felt like I was wasting my time, my life and my sanity. And I sure as hell wasn't getting any closer to my dreams of living abroad in the US. Having "BPO Agent" on your resume isn't exactly appealing to foreign recruiters than, say, "Software Programmer".

So while it is bittersweet to leave that job (more sweet than bitter, border lining good riddance), it did have good points, and those points are very good.

I'm definitely not the same person as when the first time I came into that workplace. I learned a lot of things; untold lessons best taught by experience rather than being told as stories by friends. I learned stuff about myself. Gone is the naivety, replaced with a bit of knowledge that will arm me for the future to come. I know now that I'm a person who prefers to have small company rather than a truckload of people with different personalities. Mine just shrivels up and dies because it is easily overcome by more fluid personalities. I'm a rougher person who takes time and is best not forced.

Lessons like that help me see what I lack in, and while I cannot changed who I am as a person wholesomely, I can however, change parts of me to help me adapt and overcome my weakness. I'm not going to turn into a social butterfly, but I will at least be better in dealing with people, and that, regardless of how you look at it, is a step in the right direction.

So reality, where does that leave me? Jobless and broke?

Well, more or less, yes, but for a limited time only. One of the main reasons why I opted to go rather than stay (my boss told me I could be reassigned to a different campaign if I wanted, though I declined) is that the job hunt seems to be nearing its end. After months of searching, it all boiled down to HTech saving the day.

The very same company who started the madness of the job hunt, was the one who would end it. Life, you can never truly understand how it works.

Granted, I'm being optimistic here. I haven't signed the contract yet, but prospects have never been brighter throughout my entire life. If it weren't for Easter coming along, I would be having my medical tests as part of the HR stuff I have to deal with, but since there is Easter, the HR (told to me by my classmate who already works there) has found it convenient to just move things to April. So at best, I could be working at HTech by the beginning of the month of April.

It's been a long and arduous journey.

I am so glad that I can finally close this chapter of my life and move on to bigger, better, brighter things, slowly getting closer to achieving my dreams.