Wow. Wow it's been a long time since I've updated.
Lots of stuff have happened since my last update, mostly good.
I live in the OC, and the Bower's Museum had the terracotta warriors. Like the actual ones from Xi'an.
I'd wanted to see them since I was a kid and saw them on documentaries I watched. So being able to see them, even if it was only a few of the army, was just... words can't really describe my admiration and joy at seeing them up close. Probably a highlight of my year, maybe even decade.
Holidays have both come, gone, and are coming.
Halloween was fun, if uneventful. A simple get-together with friends, and as always I decorated to the rafters. I love Halloween so much. :D
Thanksgiving too was good, had a few guests over this year and it all went smoothly, if stressful. Not just for the holiday prep and worry about things going well.
The no so good was that my grandfather went on hospice on the Monday before Thanksgiving. I found out that Sunday and it hit me pretty hard during the week that he really, truly was going to die. He and I were never that close, but we'd been developing somewhat of a connection. I guess I myself thought I had more time, and he probably wasn't sure how to make a connection, being kinda old school and unsure about me. My mother and he'd been estranged most my life so we were never in each other's lives, which on the one hand makes it not too painful, is itself a source of pain as the "what ifs" and "coulda shoulda woulda"s snuck in during the week. I reached out a couple times during the week, wishing him well and telling him I loved him, but he was apparently too weak to reply. Especially when he was gone by Friday. Didn't even make it a week on hospice before he was gone. My sis'd even been thinking of going to spend time helping out in the next couple weeks and she didn't even get the chance to make plans.
It's as I said a sort of complicated emotion. I miss him. I didn't know him that well, but I wish I had. His photography was excellent, a hobby he clearly had passion for. He and my mom loved watching football together. He could be stubborn, but he was also... just kind, in that gruff, old-man way. I loved him, even if it wasn't as strong as it could have been, and that too has me filled with regret at having not had enough time to bond, even as far apart as we were both in age and temperment.
Regardless, that means I'm probably out of town on Christmas to help my mother out with his affairs, but also means I have friendsmas planning to do. So *panics slightly*.
Hope everyone's doing well and hope you all have an amazing holiday season, and love you all.

Not one to shout it from the rooftops, but it was my birthday today and had a good one, so I hope whenever your own one comes up it's a good one too. Love to everyone near and far!

Howdy all. It's been a while, I hope everyone is doing well!
Things have taken many shifts here for me.
Work remains as is, I enjoy it but until recently I was so tired and stressed it was hard to focus. But now I can and will and get back to it. :)
I also have a vacation lined up for mid April for my birthday, yayz. :D
Home life has settled down somewhat. The friend that was staying with me ended up needing to leave and while it's not ideal for him... it's kind of best for us here. It was really getting hard for everyone, himself included. And honestly my roommates, my found family here were far more accommodating than I deserved from them. No words can express my appreciation for them and how much I love them.
Stepping away from it, I know that I care for said friend a lot, but at the same time there are a lot of issues that I hope he can resolve, and I've had to try and mentally take a step back. All my life I've been giving, giving, giving, and doing everything I can for my friends as they deserved all the best from me and all my love and effort. This time I did the same and it began to cost me. I certainly still don't regret how things went overall as I did what I could for a friend in need, I just wish he'd taken advantage of the opportunity harder. But his issues kept him from doing so because of many things, so while I'm sad for that, I also can't hold myself responsible. And I can't for anything else. I'm always here for him if he needs me, but I can't and won't throw my everything into it, as I can't (over)protect him any longer given how long I had and it may not have helped at all. But I will always be here to lend a hand too, count on that.
In terms of hobbies I've been enjoying them all. MTG remains a big part of my way to relax, and I expect to continue messing around with decks. FF14 too, it's a nice way to veg. If anyone wants to chat about either I will. :D
So all in all life is good, I'm just coming to realize how tired I've been and how much stress hit me. Even my mother commented on a video call how gray my beard got. Thanks mom. XD
Anyways, love you all and big hugs for everyone!

Howdy! Hope everyone had a happy holiday season. With the new year around the corner, I also wish everyone a happy new year. :)
My year has been... complicated. Not bad, but not quite as good as I had hoped. Nothing crushing, nothing crippling, but I bit off more than I anticipated for something. I don't regret it, and I wouldn't, couldn't do otherwise, and I hope in the end it all works out, but it is also difficult at times. But I don't regret it and would do it again.
Otherwise I am good. Life is otherwise treating me well, I'm trying to both be more social and less (i.e. balancing me time and friend time) and being smarter with money.
I'm coming out of the holiday stress and feeling more myself to boot, so that's a good thing. Other than that, all is well. I hope everyone is doing well and I'm sending much love to everyone everywhere, y'all deserve it. :)
Hugs and all! :D

Howdy all!

Happy holidays, it's been a long time since I've given an update. Things are good and complicated at the same time.
Good is that I'm enjoying my job and working to ensure it's long term. It's engaging and all, and my coworkers are friendly. Also I have been spending more time with friends and going out to play Magic: the Gathering every Friday night, which has been very helpful for my mood and socializing.
Complicated is mostly one thing. A friend of mine got kicked out of his house months ago, and for fear of bad things happening I asked my roommates to allow me to let him stay with us. He's been with us since, and I've been doing my best to help him. He's had ups and downs, a lot more downs, and I'm hoping to see him get on his feet and find himself in a better place than we found him. It's been an uphill fight, but I'm hopeful that things will improve.
Otherwise life is fine. Money issues aside, I'm doing okay, but worries about my friend are weighing on me somewhat. I care so much, and I hope every day that he does well, and that we are all able to move forward.
Otherwise, I hope everyone has a happy holiday season and a great new year, lots of love!

Hi all!

For those interested in my life developments, things have taken a turn for the better.

In late May I received a call from the HR of the county I live in. I had put in an application in August of 2023, interviewed in March, and started the background check then. It took so long partly cuz government, and partly cuz the job involves very sensitive data and they also had to check if I myself had told the truth and/or had a record.

Regardless, I did have to give my then-current job the good-bad news of my departure. And as of the end of June, I am now working for my county. I hope to do well. :)

In other news I have enjoyed playing FF14, and I really intend to upload any commissions soon, perhaps some tonight. For now though, I hope everyone's doing well and will have a good summer! :)

Howdy all, I am 36 now, so I'm old. /jk
Hope everyone's having a great day! :D

Hi all!
Just giving a small update.
Life is good in general. I got a conditional job offer to work for a city near me. Just gotta pass the background check, so fingers crossed nothing goes awry and they mistake me for someone else. XD
My own health is fine, but congestion I've had since the start of the month hasn't cleared up, so I'm taking antibiotics to ensure that if there is anything, and I'm not 100% sure that there is something, so I'm taking those. :D
Otherwise life is good. Enjoying my hobbies, procrastinating putting up my commissions cuz the amount is kinda intimidating. I should try and do it bit by bit. XD
Anyways, hope everyone is doing well. And if I were to post the commissions I have gotten, were there any order you all would like to see them, like specific OCs or the like? Maybe that could help me prioritize what to post. :)
Big hugs for everyone. :D

Technically a day late, but happy Lunar New Year to all who celebrate. With it being the year of the dragon, it's my year again, so yay me!
It also means I'll be turning 36 and officially be an old man. /s
My year so far has been good, if a bit up and down. Life is fine, games are fine, friends are good, enjoying new stuff, and I still have a massive backlog of commissions to submit. Perhaps tomorrow. :)
Anyways, just wanted to check in and let everyone know I'm doing well. :)
Big hugs and love for all!

Howdy all!
I'm trying to be a little more communicative. :)
My month got both more and less complicated with the dissolution of my relationship.
It was a long time coming, both he and I had been feeling this way for a while, but both of us never wanted to hurt the other one's feelings. But in the end it was him with the courage to call us both out. We're good, but it's a very fresh change, so I'm not sure how exactly I'll feel after it kinda settles in that I, and indeed we, are both single.
Otherwise life is pretty good. Just tired, but otherwise I personally am doing well. Work is fine, I got a day off before my Friendmas party, so that's cookie baking day, and other than that, just chilling.
Hope everyone's doing well, I mostly just wanted to share that so that people know how I'm doing in general. Thanks all! :)

Hi all, hope everyone's doing well.
I'm doing better than I was, there's still stuff in my life I wish would improve, but I'm managing to feel more settled. That or I'm burnt out, but I don't feel numb, just tired and used to it?
But I also have friends and family who love me and are working to help me feel better.
Other than that, just enjoying life as much as possible.
My Halloween was good, just had people come by for D&D sessions and hanging out, then Thanksgiving was nice, a bit busy, but chill overall and those that came enjoyed my cooking. That makes me happy. :)
Thanks for all the well wishes, big hugs for everyone and hope you had a good Halloween and Thanksgiving, and have a great holiday season!

I'm very tired.
My life is very heavy right now. So I'm gonna vent and get some things off my shoulders so that I can try and relax with what's left of my day.

I miss my bf. We live so far apart and just never get to hear each other's voices. He says he's giving me space, but I've said on lots of occasions that I like it when people keep in touch, because I feel like I'm important enough to be noticed. I know right now I haven't been overly communicative myself, but it's partly because I feel ignored, so it's probably a which came first scenario, but I'm just emotionally tired from this and a lot of other things so it's been hard to push for anything.
I miss not worrying about money every moment of every day. I want this sword hanging over me gone where I can just relax without feeling like I NEED to relax and distract myself from money woes.
I miss being not worried about speaking my mind. Some people in my life I try my best to not step on toes or make upset, even when some things are done that irk me or that I'd mentioned before to please keep in consideration of me and my feelings. And if I bring it up, it upsets them and I feel like the bad guy. Every time.
I miss being able to go through days without feeling like "Is this the moment that I start to have random thoughts about something that will make me anxious?". Those have happened before. I'm fine, I'm fine, then a random intrusive thought comes in and now I'm anxious about something that logically I know is fine or that I have a solution for, but since I'm usually at work, I can't address it or step away to calm down and instead sit there worried that everyone around me has "Ryo-senses" and can immediately tell that I'm anxious, unfit for my position, or something like that, and that gets me more anxious.
I miss feeling like I have free time. I know I do. I really do. But with all my anxiety and such, I spend time trying to get my mind off things so I can enjoy the things I love without the shadow of worry, and by the time that's done, I'm out of time.
I miss being just positive and carefree in an effortless way. I am by default still pretty positive and helpful and loving and all, but some days I just want to wallow in my fears and have someone take care of me... and I just don't feel like people in my life can actually do that for me. Be it distance or their own mental issues, I don't have someone who can reliably hug me and say "It'll be okay."

This is just a big vent. My life isn't in shambles or anything, but there are just some days and times that I want to be home, curled up under my covers in bed and just wish that my problems would go away, or that someone would at least come in and take my hand and give me the love that I feel for others. It's selfish and I should be happy with those I have in my life and I shouldn't be upset that people can't help me out of the situation I landed myself in, but at the same time I just... I feel so alone right now.
I can have people virtually telling me that it'll be okay and that they're here for me, but... something inside me can't accept them as much more than just words. I know people mean it. They may even be upset that they cannot help. But I just... feel... so alone. I've helped others lots, both irl and online, financially and emotionally... and I feel like my emotional bank withdrawals exceed my deposits, so to speak.

Again, this is a vent, it's not even very coherent and logical and I know much of this is in my own head and all, but I just really, really needed to get this out there so I could get it off my chest and mind and move forward. Thanks everyone for listening, I do truly love you all and big hugs for everyone, everyone who's helped me, given me their love and support and blessed my life with their existences. I wouldn't change anything because it led me to knowing all the people in my life that I love and cherish. It just gets hard sometimes and I need to scream into the void.
*big hugs and love for everyone*

Hey all,  Spellflare is open for story commissions. Go get a fun story written by one of the sweetest guys I know and someone I'm proud to call bro. :)
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10532308/

Howdy all!
Still getting around to finding a free moment to post pictures here and there, I'll do it, don't worry!
In other news, my birthday is next week, the prerelease of the new MTG set is that Saturday, I'm working on ensuring I can save some money and all, and I'm just trying my best to do a good job both at work and at home.
It's been a really, really, really rough yearish.
I swear, I looked at how long it's really been since my life hit a major roadblock and that was only last August.
It started when my work informed us that we were being laid off at the end of September... And like a week after that WotC revealed Ajani's compleation. So a game and story and character that I typically leaned on to relax and destress me instead became a source of angst, anxiety, and sadness to compound with my stress, anxiety, and fear regarding my job and finances.
Gods, I had felt like it was a year since it all began and I checked again and it has only been a little over half a year. Feels like an eternity.
I'm still picking up the pieces. I let my spending go to hell so I have a lot of budgeting to do in order to wrangle that back under control, and I'm just trying my best to get things out of the red. Otherwise I'm fine, I know I have options, I just need to apply them.
I hope everyone's doing well and all, thanks again for your support and friendship, it means a lot. And I hope you cheer me on going forward as well.
Big hugs!

LET'S GOOOOOOO!
AJANI WAS SAVED!

...
That's all I got. The end of the March of the Machine story had Ajani and Nissa being purified and healed of their corruption. Had to say it. Toodles.

Okay nah, I have a lot more really, been playing a lot of FF14, finished base Endwalker, cried a lot cuz that game is awesome and the story and characters are awesome, but really the best feeling was finding out Ajani Goldmane, the character I've loved for half my life was cleansed of his compleation and is, at least physically, going to be fine. I worry some about how he'll deal with the guilt of what he did while under Elesh Norn's indoctrination and control, but he has a good support system of friends and I'm hoping he makes it through okay.
In other news I'm revving up to post more backlogged art. Jeez I say that every time but I've been so busy with FF14 that it hasn't been something I could do, and so down about Ajani too. So I hope I'll be able to get to it perhaps some tomorrow. Thanks all! Big hugs and all. :)

Howdy all!
Time for another update.

I found a job, and I waited until I passed a month working there before I decided to announce it here, the previous "job" gave me much pause in celebrating work.
It's not a bad job, and I'm learning the ropes and the coworkers are nice. Wish it had more money, but it works. I also wish I felt better about it but...

On the topic of money, I wish I'd been more disciplined with mine. I've always been bad with impulse spending, and when I'm depressed it's even worse. So my finances are not good. I'm going to need to be very disciplined with my money for a while. That itself makes me depressed, so please bear with me and lend me your support.

As for other things in my life, I'm enjoying FF14, working my way through the story still. MTG is still a bit of a sore spot with me. I love the game, but the story continues to twist the knife in me. My love for Ajani Goldmane is still strong, but I am losing hope that he comes out of this alive. *sigh*

In other things, not much. Until I started getting paid at work, I didn't (and still won't) have a lot of free money. So I'm making do with what I have, which for someone with entertainment ADD as me is a bit harder, but I will be strong, not just for myself, but for those who love me.

Thanks everyone for your support during the roughest period of my life, and I hope you'll be there for me as I work through the aftermath and seek to find solace and comfort as I get things under control. I love you alll!

Howdy all!
So quick update for everyone. I had the call with the EDD. It turns out they just wanted to make sure I wasn't fired from my job, and I was adamant about how things happened. So fingers crossed that things are cleared up, they said the new check for my unemployment is going out, but until it arrives I won't quite breathe a sigh of relief.
Other than that, doing well. Applying for work and all. So fingers crossed there too.
Love you all, and thank you so much for those who replied with wellwishing and support. I wasn't in a good headspace to reply to those at the time, but I would very much like to express my deepest gratitude to all of those who contacted me. I love you all. Thanks!

It definitely pours.
So I applied for unemployment right after I got let go from that brief job. My first weeks to validate started on Christmas. So I did it, and moved on.
Usually the check arrives in a few days, but I gave a buffer for Christmas and New Years messing up things.
Come Tuesday I check online to see if everything is fine.
Everything is not fine.
I am informed there might be an issue that would disqualify me from receiving unemployment benefits.
I therefore rightfully panic.
I call, and in the interim, they set up a time and day while I'm still on hold.
It's for Monday.
I need to be in anxiety ridden hell for a whole week.
It's Thursday now and I'm losing my mind. I'm trapped in my own head, absolutely freaking out.
If they reject my unemployment claim, how can I pay bills? How will I pay rent? How can I live? I need that money.
I just... I know my friends and family have given me words of encouragement and said that they won't likely do anything... but... there's a more than zero chance that I will be incredibly, irrevocably fucked.
And I just don't know what to do with that.
Every fiber of my body is telling me to try and call ahead of time, speak with someone, anyone, see if I can at least be put out of my misery early. But I just... I don't know if that's the right move.
I'm so exhausted.
How did my life go so far downhill in just a couple of months? How...
I just don't even know. I'm exhausted and bordering on defeated. It's hard to stay positive when life punches you over and over.

Hi all!
So my last week was rough. We had to put one of our little rats down, she had a tumor and it was at risk of infection. So sad day there.
Then two days later, on Thursday, I ended up in the hospital. Colitis. Fun times.
At least Christmas was nice, nothing too crazy, just a quiet time at home.
And now prepping for New Years. Hope everyone's doing great and has a great New Year. :)

Hi all!
Disappointing news, I was just let go today after not two weeks of work. And one of those weeks was training.
I'm disappointed, irritated, but not sad or angry. Just not entirely sure why they hired me if they weren't going to give me a chance to prove myself.
Oh well, their loss. Sucks for me, but now I'm just working on ensuring my unemployment will still be valid. If that changes, I'll update, but I am pretty sure I can ensure that nothing changed.
But that's all for now really. Working on getting things together for Christmas and all too, so hope everyone's doing well!

Happy (nearly) Thanksgiving everyone!
Just wanted to come with some good news. I found a job, I hope it works out, I start on the 5th and hope it and I are a good fit.
As for Thanksgiving, I'm happy to be hosting guests and I hope everything goes smoothly. Busy bee me, and my roomies are amazing and helped with the prep, saving me a ton of time. Thanks guys!
Hope everyone has an amazing Thanksgiving if you celebrate it, and much hugs and love for all!

Howdy all!
So, turns out that right after I posted that other journal, my NVMe busted and took my OS with it.
Nothing to worry about in the broad strokes, all my personal files and game files were saved on other drives, but it was such a pain having to deal with it, and I owe my roommate and best bro big time for doing it all while I whined and moaned in the background.
Everything appears to be fine now, just endless updates and getting my computer set up proper. Blergh.
But hope everyone's doing well!

Howdy all!
Just a quick update. I'm newly laid off, but working towards finding a new job. Otherwise I'm well. I've been talking with my IRL friends more and spending time with them and that did a lot to help my mood. Otherwise I'm enjoying games and such to help me chill out as well.
I've been playing a lot of FF14, and I have a ton of commissions backed up to submit here, I think I'll do some today after I'm done with my other stuff. Look forward to it. :)
Hope everyone's doing well, I'm less freaked myself, just now determined to work hard at finding work. See ya all! Lemme know how everyone's doing, I'd love to chat. :)

Hi all!

Things have been complicated as of late.
Work remains a needle in my mind, always there and usually not a big issue, but on occasion just hurts and won't let me relax. Two weeks and I'll be unemployed for the first time in years. Lots of mental anguish and panic combined with a peace and hope for better times ahead.

My hobbies are helping in general, the only one that makes me sad is MTG when they revealed that Ajani, my favorite planeswalker and character crush of like 15 years, had been captured and converted into a brainwashed, biomechanical slave of the big bads, the Phyrexians. It came at the same time as another character I liked in another series possibly dying, and about a week after the revelation of being laid off. So it hit harder than it should and still makes me sad to see. It's better than it was though.

Then a week after that our house pet rats, one of them got a tumor and the worry for her has been hard too, but she's doing okay in general now.

But overall I'm doing better and my friends are really helping me keep grounded. It just distresses me from time to time, but I'm just hoping to be able to breathe soon. Thanks everyone for all your support and all, I really need it now more than ever. Hope everyone's doing well, and big hugs for everyone.

Howdy all.
So just a quick update. Work did indeed make the decision to "rightsize" our jobs away. We have until the end of September, then we're laid off.
It's... a complex set of emotions.
We knew this was a likely outcome, but we all hoped it wouldn't come to this. We get severance and such, but still...
It's painful. Confusing. Angering. I myself have spent the week see-sawing between being tired but okay and blindly panicked. My anxiety has not been so high for a long time.
I know I'll be okay. And I have people who love and support me.
I just... I have a lot of trouble BELIEVING it. It's something I've always had to deal with, that small voice telling me "Aw, they're just saying that to be nice. They don't really mean it."
My logical mind understands and is cheered by it all, but that voice keeps jutting in. And it doesn't help at all.
The voice has gotten worse recently. A lot of personal problems have caused it to be easier to listen to that voice as I don't think very highly of myself as of late.
That and I have a lot of personal things to work through right now as well. Relationships, friendships, etc.
It all has left me more than drained. I'm just... very tired.
I thank you all for your support, it really does mean a lot to me. And I'll need it now more than ever as my life goes through this transition.
Thanks for reading.