GO ahead and enter for your chance to win over here! https://www.furaffinity.net/view/61327966/

Yep, Yet another birthday, so 38 years old now. Not much else to say, Just, 38 year old dragon, so happy hatchay to me *techncially was yesterday since this was posted at 3:32 am the 11'th instead of the 10th.*

Yep, Turned 36 yesterday, and still just a blue dragon who can sometimes be quitee the goofy, lewd, hornball, growy and other things too but That's that...

..Feels strange in a way, first birthday without my grandfather, ...and that's almost been a year now.

As of around..between 10:30, and 11 Pm CST (Central standard time) *currently 2:19 central time* My grandfather, passed away, The ambulance got here, took him to the hospital, they tried to resuscitate him, but his heart had given out, and would not get to beating again no matter what they tried. It wasn't unexpected that he would pass eventually...but it's never something prepared for, though at least he is now in a better place....

Grandpa is home, came home yesterday afternoon. He "Talked them out" of keeping him one more night, they determined what must of happened,is his blood pressure had dropped low enough it wasn't able to keep enough blood flow to the brain to keep him conscious, and have given him a medication to keep his blood pressure from dropping too low, that shouldn't raise his blood pressure overall either. and were told w hat to do if it happens again as part of being safe. aka get his chair leaned back so he is lying down, get his feet lifted up above his head as much as possible .Though...>I admit I thought of the fact 'wait....low blood pressure.....did it get so low that it wasn't reaching his brain quite enough for consciousness?' the other day.....anyway, yeah, he is home.

The hospital is keeping him another night, they think it might not of been heart failure, but passed out from strangely low blood pressure for some other reason, so they are keeping him and trying to see about options if that is the case and figure out whats wrong.

"Good" news, Just got a call, my dad got a call from my grandma, Grandpa had had Congestive heart failure again, like his previous problem, however the doctors don't think it did much of anything thankfully. Dad even talked to grandpa on the phone a bit, he is still there, seems to be otherwise okay mentally, but they are going to be keeping him overnight at the very least.

Just got an information update,
They got him to the air-lifted hospital,
he is currently stable, they are looking at medications to try to keep him stable,
as they work also prepare for scans to see what they can do.

Grandfather has had heart attack, ambulance took him to get Air-evac, so it's potentially bad, ...waiting to find out where they are taking him, grandma and other family who is more able too is going to be dealing with things...I'm...in Keep calm and carry on, survive and care for the home and animals as best I can, otherwise just..try to stay calm and care for things duty.

Yeah, completely forgot to state that I had my birthday @_@, but yep, dragon is now thirty four, huzzah, surviving another year and all of that. *literally was five days ago and he had completely forgot about a journal about it.*

((TLDR: True Caring Friendship is both a wonderful, and a horrible thing, both how good it feels to have such, but how bad it feels to be one sometimes...))

I have been thinking, and friendship, True Friendship, is an amazing thing.

Knowing someone cares and worries about you, deeply, truly.

Knowing that no matter what happens, there is someone who won't leave you stranded, or alone.

Knowing that there is someone who is always cheering for your successes, and sad about failures, willing to listen, and be a shoulder to cry on, to support you when your feeling low, is a wonderful thing.

But in another way, it can also be a sad thing, a painful thing...

Being there, watching your friend suffer, as you offer to help but they tell you they will ask for it when they need it....

...But they never ask.

Wanting to support them, but not approaching because they asked you to wait....

...but they never say you can come back.

Wanting to congratulate them, praise them...

But you don't want to approach, because they told you to wait..and last time you did without them telling you, they got mad...

Wanting to comfort and support them, wanting to console them, wanting to be there, a shoulder to cry on, to hold them up, to be their support, to do anything you possibly can to help them....

...but you can't...because they don't want you too, and they won't let you try......


So you sit in the corner, smiling softly, watching them, happy they succeed, sad when things go wrong, ...always in that chair waiting to support them, aid them..they just need to look your way, that's all you need to do so, because they have made it clear that's what they prefer.....

...and So I sit in the corner...slowly looking around every so often, ..looking at the dust...the cobwebs, though I have kept where I myself am nice and clean..a nice, clear path, dusted, pristine, ...making sure nothing else shoved in the corner is cluttering the way to me....

...as I smile..a sad...soft smile, a tear in the corner of my eye, watching from a distance, watching someone I truly care about work, succeed, suffer, good and bad, wanting to be there to hold them up when they area low, wanting to boost them up, and just..even just visit, laugh and joke with them....

BU=ut I wait, because as a good friend, who has been asked, if not begged to just 'wait' for them...I wait...even as I have to continue working against the dust..the cobwebs, ..the clutter, ...smiling softly, sportingly from the corner...

...even though it is a sad, tear filled smile, as deep in my soul I feel afraid, that I've been forgotten, that they don't even remember I'm here, ..but I leave signs out and around, just so they are reminded, they won't forget, I'm still here, in the corner, waiting, quietly, for when they feel ready to allow me to be a friend once more....praying for them every day, watching them from the distance, and just...

...Trying to be the best friend I can...

...even though it hurts so much inside, to feel that....they don't want me in the corner, that they would rather just try to pile the clutter so I couldn't be seen, so they wouldn't know I was there, waiting, surprisingly in the wings for them....

but there I sit...there I wait.......and there I smile.....while I cry.


((JUst..kind of a poetic Journal about things running through my head....I wanted to get it out and ..just type out how I felt, in a way that doesn't call anyone or anything out, just how...wonderful it feels to have friends who care about me in such ways, an d yet...how bad it feels to ...be one of those friends, and....feel like your just...unable to do anything.))

Yep, I meant to post this before, or on my birthday but I forgot and have been distracted, so Yep! Another year older,

Got a major computer upgrade for my birthday, and...well, we had to buy a copy of windows for it too since the OEM Version that had been installed decided "Nope, this can't possibly be the same computer" and IBuyPower apparently has trash support, and microsoft couldn't do anything because it was an OEM version of windows.

Yep, I have started a Furry City of Heroes Supergroup, currently only have one on the hero side, but I do plan/want to make one for the Villains and Rogue sides for us too, On the new CoH Private Server, Excelsior server.

I thought I may as well put this up here so if anyone who watches me is playing on the private server, or has interest IN the private server, you could let me know.

Also if you didn't know about it, and are interested. https://www.reddit.com/r/Cityofhero.....public_server/ This reddit post is what i used to connect to it and get what I need.

Also, if you have friends whoa re furries whoa re interested in this, You can direct them here, Just looking to see if anyone is interested.

So it turns out as I was coming home from going to hang out at a comic store for the day, my grandfathers heart stopped again, and his defibrilator kicked in, he had been out cold for a minute or so, and they were contacted and told "Bring him in, emergency room." so yeah, seems that problem that we thought was hopefully gone? Still here, and that's not good, though thankfully he was sitting down in his chair here at home it seems so no falling or damage from such but still.....

...Realised something was wrong when I pulled up and my grandmas truck was not in the yard, because she had said "We will be waiting for ya when you get here." .

...So that's .....something to learn when you get home.

*EDIT* This is almost an hour later, but I just got a call, they are coming back home, grandpa and grandma, they checked him out and everything and...he seems to be fine actually, since the defibrilator and pacemaker are working right, .and nothing seemed to be wrong now, they are coming back home..

It's This dragons birthday time of the year! So One year older I become today, Happy hatchday/birthday to me!

So, I actually have made a new character for this homebrew D&D Game a real life friend has made, and I kind of want to get two images made, to show off the dragon I have been playing in the game, One of course being when the party first met him, and the second being...well, most likely after the rather traumatic changes he has gone through so far at the current point in the story.

So I am trying to ask about who knows really good non-anthro dragon artists, though willing to do a PG images on this fantasy idea, Though ...the only real issue is money, My funds tend to be quite limited each month, and some months I pretty much end up running out of funds in the middle of the month.

This is just..I need to vent in a way, but..I want to vent creatively, so I am making a small story here about...things

---

I smile as I look to my friends who are with me, we have been hanging out, playing games, as usual, they come over when I ask, or sometimes just to hang out, other times I go to see them. One day one of them brings something up, "Hey, Ryu? Whats that thing covered up in the corner?" ...I look and am rather confused, it's what appears to be some tall object, covered in a drape cloth to protect it from dust, untouched for quite some time as I shrug a bit, "Some old Mirror I suppose in the corner." I finally say, though I don't remember it being there.

Eventually they head home and wave, everything is wonderful, the sun is setting outside, the weather is nice, not to hot, not too cold, but that covered mirror is stuck on the back of my mind, when did it get there, why is it there...I don't remember it being there.

I slowly make my way over to it, confused as I begin to uncover it, setting the drape cloth to the side on the floor as I look at it, but I can't see anything it looks like it's been painted partly black, or has some sort of strange dark glass on it, as the lights flicker slightly, as if the bulb was starting to go bad...

I lean forward, peering at it, moving my hand to try to wipe the dust off of the surface, though as my hand comes in contact with it, I realize it is perfectly clean, and the mirror is showing perfectly, It's not the mirror that's dark, but my surroundings....as the lights are flickering, struggling and dim, as I slowly look around, a huge section of the room seems to be very unstable looking, barely held together in some ways, the walls groaning and complaining, let alone the supports struggling to hold the roof up, as there is a mark on the floor showing I should not go past that point from the unstable danger....and yet I don't want to get close to that mark either as it looks like if it collapsed it could still risk hitting me outside of that line if I was too close.

I continue to look around, confused as to why my situation has changed, noticing ot her areas, that were either dangerous looking, unstable, or....quite in disarray, things scattered and scrambled, as it could take ages to sort through the stuff, if it was even possible to even try.

The room is cluttered, and crowded feeling...claustrophobic even with the area that is 'risky' to go in...and that wall and ceiling area that is holding and I could easily go over there but...would need to be constantly ready to try to bolt if it starts to give way and the clutter just makes me want to leave...as I move to the door, and look outside...noticing so much safety gear beside the door, like a survival kit, with ways to contact people for help, things to use, or take, all sorts of things to try to protect myself, as ..outside the door ...outside of a narrow path that exists, looks like it would be quite dangerous to even consider stepping off of that path....compared to the open fields and wonderful state it was just moments earlier...and I couldn't dare step foot out that door without taking that survival kit with me.

I take a deep breath, and sigh, slowly looking around as I subconsciously try to clean the clutter for a moment, before realizing It won't help, as it just seems to keep getting disorganized more without me doing anything, as if it just..is shifting itself around instead. sometimes things I was trying to sort even changing what they were as I positioned or shifted them.

Eventually I sigh, again and slowly just walk my way across the room, opening a small drawer and removing a lightbulb, to take, and slowly replace the flickering one in the middle, though it adds some brightness, more stable, the place is still horrible, constricting, before I just put the old bulb in the original drawer, as always, old ones go in, new ones come out, that doesn't change, as they just..always seem to be good when they come out...

I take another look around the room, and slowly sniff, as I try not to cry at the sheer horrid state of where I stand, before I make my way back to the mirror and stare into it, slowly picking up the drape cloth and then looking around one last time as I shake the dust cloth off, before closing my eyes, and covering the mirror again, opening them afterwords...

Once again the room is bright, cheery, as it was when everyone left, outside looks as good as it was before...Nothing looks any different again as I glance at the mirror that has been covered again, slowly moving to return it to an out of the way corner, tucking it away once again, to once again attempt to forget it is there, and what I see when I look in it, as THough I still see myself, and nothing about that changes, ...It's my surroundings that change....and I have to remember, Don't focus on what the darkness shows.

THe darkness that was visible when I looked in the mirror, but focus on what the light shows, Focus on the good things, the things in the light that I can do, ....not the things that..I can't do, or shouldn't do that is in the dark...

---

Just venting basically, It's hard to focus on the good my life, all the things I can do, when I remember, just how much I can't actually do for various reasons. But I just have to remember, though even if there are things I can't do, Dwelling on them will not change anything, and instead, to focus on what I can do, and what I can enjoy.

The dark room and the chaos/dangers are just metaphors for ..Trials and things I have to be aware of or try to keep myself safe from in my life related to various mental or physical health issues.

We are praying that Grandpa is not making a mistake, as he is home right now, because "If I am healthy enough that you just plan to have me sit in a normal room rather then ICU or emergency, without plans to do anything between now and friday, except for the basic standard therapy exercises, I can head home, and do the exercises at home, and come back friday for all the tests and checkups you want me to do."

So, His surgery went okay, everything seems okay so far, he is stable, rather out of it from painkilers and the like still, recovery is in progress, but so far everything seems good.

So, Good news and ...other news.

Good news first.

His kidney problems have gone away, HIs heart is good, his pacemaker is good, He is getting the physical therapy to a point int he hospital to help speed his recovery up once he is home, So all that looks good!


The.. Other news.

...His speech has become more slurred....meaning that the bleeding/pressure in his brain has not stopped, or gone down, instead has been increasing incredibly slowly, so they are going to have to preform the Neurosurgery tomorrow to relieve the pressure, and monitor him for a week to try to make sure he is recovering.

The reason I say this is "Other" news, is the surgery has a 1 in 5 Fatality rate, meaning 20% chance to die in 3 weeks, but 80% chance to be alright.

Well, his condition is stable, they feel they can fix the Kindey failure without much issue, and monday they will be deciding what to do about potential neurosurgery or if medication can help with that...

SPeaking of the kidney failure, as they figured out what caused it...a blood clot, one that..by what Grandpa has been through, and wherew it was located.....means it was caused by an Improperly installed catheter....and there is one hospital specifically that had installed the only one that he has had to use as far as I have heard......and because of that, well there is potential for a malpractice suit now, Though we won't be dealing with that until he is actually on his way to recovery....

Grandfather is being rushed to springfield in an ambulance to Cox South, hospital, in springfield Missouri, as he needs neurosurgery treatments....His condition has been degradding by the hour, speech is slurred and the like...

..The Feyetteville hospital had talked about doing something, but then didn't as if they 'didn't need too' but it is now obvious they should of done something while they had him now.....

EDIT: Update 1. Apparently He had/has suffered Kidney failure, and is in the Emergency room, IS going to be moved to ICU sometime tonight or tomorrow early morning.

Today, the therapist came out, for his physical therapy, and noticed things were off, turns out his bladder isn't working right so it's retaining urine, and he had to head in to the emergency room to get that 'delt with' and ..well, now that they have been there, it seems that Grandpa and Grandma are not coming back home today, they got that done, and they want to send him to another hospital, *unknown where/which yet* to get him checked out about neuro-surgery-related things, because they are afraid what looked like a minor issue before might be more then that..otherwise...thats all I know, that I'm home alone again.


....So more problems, and more home alone time *sigh*

Well, multiple people from my grandfathers buisness are coming out this morning to help him off the floor, but "No hurry" b ecause apparently he actually got comfortable where he was resting with the blankets andpillows...so at least..if thats truthful then thats nice.

Otherwise, We are researching into getting a "Lift system" even though it may be temporary, not unlike one that is for a friend of my father, who is I believe a paraplegic, while, It has also been made 'certian' that to me, that I need to consider "Mandatory Gym Attendance" To try to build up my own body strength, even if I can't build it up much with my -own- physical conditions...such as bad energy storage and well, chronic low platelets making that an issue, injuries a bad thing, and...well, yeah, ..But to try to get my own strength up so that way I can at least try to be of more help now then -absolutely next to none- so.......'yay'


*EDIT* He was put back into his chair, Physical therapist came out today to asign him exercises to do 3 times aa day, as well as to "Stand up" every hour, for a few seconds then to sit back down, to help get his strength back so hecan do things again....SO yeah...I'm a touch sleep deprived at the moment from messed up sleep schedule and things planned and whatnot writing this edit so...thats basically it.

He is now IN THE FLOOR resting on some pillows...because we can't lift him up from there when he tried to get out of the chair with grandma's help and couldn't get back in it...., grandma and grandpa -adamantly refuse- to let me even touch the phone or try to call doctor/ambulance period, as "Maybe after he rests for a bit he can get back into his chair" ...if not "We have your dad ready to come out and help." .....They just don't want to have him in the hospital again....and I COULD VISIBLY SEE HE WAS HAVING TROUBVLE CONTROLING HIS OWN ARMS...like they were twitching with muscle spasms...and even grandma acnolwledged that...