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Mrs. Teske! HECKIN MARRIED
Posted 8 years agoIM HECKIN GETTIN MARRIED TOMORROW
H E C K
NO BAMBOOZLED
:D :D :D
H E C K
NO BAMBOOZLED
:D :D :D
~INDY FUR CON~
Posted 9 years agoI know it's a small con, but it's the only con we go to usually so I'm super excite! I hope I see lots of friends there!
In other news, I've been fighting a bad head cold followed by bronchitis. I've been sick for a week, and it's starting to take it's toll :c
me and Teske have been taking care of each other as best we can, as we've both been sick. He's well enough to go to work, but sadly I'm still sick. I hope I feel better by monday, because I can't miss any more work. I'm trying to go to Alabama in October, so I need my PTO for that and not some stupid cold.
In other news, I've been fighting a bad head cold followed by bronchitis. I've been sick for a week, and it's starting to take it's toll :c
me and Teske have been taking care of each other as best we can, as we've both been sick. He's well enough to go to work, but sadly I'm still sick. I hope I feel better by monday, because I can't miss any more work. I'm trying to go to Alabama in October, so I need my PTO for that and not some stupid cold.
still working on things
Posted 9 years agoSometimes I feel really awful about still being "hung up" on the mental and emotional abuse that I went through. It's been over a year since I've gotten away from him, I've been with 
for a year, I'm about to start a wonderful new job, and my life is about a million times better than it was.
The thing though, is that when someone gets inside your head like that, it's almost like being brainwashed. I was so sure that the things he said about me were true. I was convinced that I was a horrible person because I got tired, or that I was worthless. I felt so ugly, and I knew no one else would want me, because he told me that. Said no one else would be understanding about my blemishes, or understand that my hormones make me break out with cystic acne in really unfortunate areas. Said no one would understand my weight, and no one would put up with my crying, that I was just a crybaby. I couldn't see any good in me. My father was so busy with my drug addict sister, he didn't care about me. My mother was a pillhead and all she cared about was her next dose of oxy's. And Don's mother was just as horrible to me as she he was -- it was a learned behavior, how he treated me. She told me every time I got stressed out "oh, it's always something with you." She'd get mad at me for no reason, and stop being mad for no reason. I was on a constant emotional rollercoaster with them for 5 years. I walked on eggshells. I stopped caring what I looked liked. I couldn't even want anything -- if I went to the store and bought anything without asking Don first, even food, I got yelled at. I was made to feel like I was worthless, and I tried to shrink myself down and not want or need anything.
I lived like that for 5 years. I know that doesn't seem like a long time to some, but living day in, day out, with a mentally abusive, unmedicated bi-polar husband, and dealing just as often with his equally mentally abusive, unmedicated bi-polar mother can wear on you. I was brainwashed that I was less than them, and I believed it.
I've had to wake up every day for the past year, and the first thing I have to tell myself every day is "I have value." Teske is the most gentle, patient person I've ever been with. And I've since dropped all contact with everyone in my family...I've surrounded myself with chosen family and friends. I've worked really hard to improve my self-esteem.
And I can tell you something -- a year later, I still don't like myself. A year later, I still apologize for crying. A year later, I still wonder how Teske or my friends could love me, if my parents couldn't. I still lie to Teske about things, stupid, small things, because I did that with Don as a survival tool. I still flinch if Teske raises his voice at all, just a little, even if it's not directed at me. A year later, and I am NOT better. I can't get past this last little hump. And I hate it. I feel like the abuser still has that last little hold over me, that he's still robbing me of complete happiness. And I want to be over this before I marry Teske.
I hate him, I hate how much of a hypocrite he is. I hate how he goes around and tells everyone that knows us mutually that I was a whore, that I cheated on him and wanted to be open, I hate that he puts everything I did wrong out there, and yet he won't own up to how mean he was to me, how he made me feel like shit for so many years, because he is messed up mentally. I hate how he won't own up to his part in it. I hate him, I hate everything about him, I hate his mother, I hate how they act like the problem was me.
Then I go look at their profiles, and come across some stuff where they are very blatant Trump supporters. And suddenly it clicks, that I shouldn't waste my energy hating them. I can remember a conversation I had with Don, so many many years ago...begging him to stop hating. Begging him to just accept and respect and love everyone. And all he did was go on about how he hated gay people, how he hated black people, how he hated so many people. I told him that wasn't the way. And his mother is just the same way. These people, they are so full of hate for themselves, that they have to project that hate on other people, and they want to associate with other people who hate just as much.
They saw how much I loved the world, saw how peaceful and hippy I was, saw how I saw beauty in everything, and they wanted to change that because they were jealous they couldn't be happy like I was. So they beat me down, little by little over the years chipped away at my personality, and brought out my depression and made me into something like them.
I know I have a long way to go. Tim thinks I may have PTSD, because of the way I react to things and the bad dreams I have every night. I know I need more therapy, and I'm going to work on getting that as soon as I get my insurance back in order.
But until then, all I can do is wake up every morning and remind myself that I am beautiful, that I am worthy of happiness and love, that my needs and wants and dreams are important, and that I am capable of obtaining all of them.
And I am so lucky to have such a wonderful man next to me, supporting me, loving me. I finally have real love, from people who love me unconditionally. HECK
Posted 9 years agoI GOT MY JOB. HECK YEAH.
edit:
this job, y'all. I'll have lots of pto and holidays, which I'm not used to. And I'm making about what I was making at my last job per hour, but I'll have twice the hours I used to. And it's something I want to do. No heat. No bugs. No screaming kids. No stupid drivers.
I'm so happy I could cry. It's a real job, a grown-up job, much better than anything else I thought I'd get. I knew fiddling around with photoshop all those years would pay off. This opens doors for me, and I might actually consider going back to school for graphic design like I wanted to allllll those years ago, and my ex's mom talked me out of it.
I know it might seem silly, because in all honesty, I'm treating this like I just became CEO and I'm going to be making 100k a year, which is very far from the truth, but it shows me that even though my physical health is failing, my mind is still sharp and I can still have a career <3 I feel like, for the first time in a long time, I might still be able to make something good of my life.
Looking for a job
Posted 9 years agothis shit is so frustrating. I loved my job, and it was secure. But I'm just not able to apply enough strength to drive a school bus anymore. My legs are too bad. I keep applying to entry level office jobs, even went to an interview with one place. I thought it went really good, and I felt so so hopeful, but it's been a week and I haven't heard anything. I was hoping I'd hear something back, and I know a week is such a short time, but I just...I really want this job. *sigh* I keep looking for other stuff to apply to, and I have to a couple of things, but no calls back for interviews yet.
I'm sure some of it is because I'm making such a huge career change from transportation to office work. But I've been dinking around with a lot of stuff that would be considered "office" work on my own for years, for fun. I'm going to go out and drive around to some of the busing companies here when we have the money to spare for gas, but until then (my car is a total gas hog :c ) I'm limited to online applications.
I'm not sure what to do anymore. I know I need to work, not only for financial reasons, but because I'm going crazy sitting at home. And it's making my health decline faster. I don't want to stagnate at home :c
I'm sure some of it is because I'm making such a huge career change from transportation to office work. But I've been dinking around with a lot of stuff that would be considered "office" work on my own for years, for fun. I'm going to go out and drive around to some of the busing companies here when we have the money to spare for gas, but until then (my car is a total gas hog :c ) I'm limited to online applications.
I'm not sure what to do anymore. I know I need to work, not only for financial reasons, but because I'm going crazy sitting at home. And it's making my health decline faster. I don't want to stagnate at home :c
Our Anniversary day!
Posted 9 years agoYesterday was so so so wonderful! We woke up and I made us a really good breakfast, then we got to lay around and be lazy for the morning, then we got our suits on and went to the pool, swam and I watched him play around on the water slide. After we got done swimming, we went to the park up the hill and had a picnic lunch. After we got done eating, we came home and took showers and had a really really really great nap while it rained. Then we woke up and got dressed and went to have dinner where we had our first date. And the server asked if anything brought us in and we told her it was our first anniversary, so when she brought our dessert out, she wrote "1 year" on it and drew a heart <3 it was such a great anniversary, and I'm so lucky that I'll have a lifetime of them with him <3
Happy one year anniversary to us!
Posted 9 years agoOne year ago today, I moved in with the most wonderful man in the world. He saved me, he took me in, he cared for me, and he loved me in a way I'd never been loved before. I love you so much, and I'm so happy I found you, and you picked me. I love you
well, this happened.
Posted 9 years ago(copied from my facebook status)
So, due to a lot of circumstances, I ended up quitting my job a couple of days ago. I'm not super happy about it, I really loved driving a bus. But my ankle is not holding out, and my workplace was less than understanding about it. and my legs are just getting worse in general.
I'm attempting to find out what's really wrong with me. I'm exhausted all the time, and it's gotten so very much worse over the past year and a half or so, when I'm treating everything known wrong with me so it should be getting better. I've applied for disability, but I'm going to keep trying to find work. Hopefully I can find something clerical, even if I don't have any degrees in that type of work. I just know I can't do work that is physically intense on my legs anymore. In the meanwhile, I have decided that I'd like to go back to school, and pursue degrees in psychology at least.
I'm not really sure what the future holds for me, I was so happy driving a bus I never planned on doing anything else, to be honest. My heart is broken thinking I can't do it anymore. I'm going to look into being a monitor for another company.
Anyways, the point in this long winded post was just to ask to please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I'm really unsure of a lot of things at the moment. Tim is trying his best to keep me positive, but I'm really scared I've hurt our livelihood, and that's the last thing I'd like to do.
I don't normally go all out like this on facebook, but I'm pretty upset over the turn of events, and I could use any positive thoughts you have.
Also, to let my friends know that if I seem reclusive, this is why. I am a grumpy butt, and I don't know that I'll feel like talking.
but thank you for caring. I promise nothing is personal against ya'll.
~rolls around~
Posted 9 years ago
fuck my ankle. Seriously.
fuck this boot.
fuck being in pain.
I wanna move properly agaiinnnnnnn
*dies*
my "friends"
Posted 9 years agook, look. I need to express something.
if you're only friends with me because you think I'm hot, and you're hoping to have some sort of sexual relationship with me, if you think you're ever going to have sex with me, you're wrong.
so please stop.
Yeah, I will admit, I had a while there where I did rp and sext with a lot of people. I was going through a lot, I was confused, and I was trying to vent frustrations in ways that weren't healthy.
But the thing is, I wasn't ever just friends with someone because of the sexual benefits I might get from them. And I feel like a few of my friends were friends with me for that reason.
And if that's the case, then please kindly go get bent.
I'm not going to talk dirty with you.
I'm not going to rp with you.
I'm not going to send you personal pictures / videos / anything sexual. If you want to see that stuff, then follow my adult twitter. Me and Tim do that TOGETHER, AS A COUPLE, because we both like being exhibitionists.
But I don't care WHO YOU ARE, you're not getting anything from me. Even you. Yeah, you know who you are.
I'm not here to be fap fodder for anyone, I'm not a masturbatory aide, and I'm not tits or gtfo. So how about if you want to stay my friend, you message me sometime about, I dunno, the weather / my job / life / my ankle / your job / your life / mutual interests / politics / how much ice cream rocks / how to make cookies / literally anything other than sex.
Also, if you're not able to be close friends with someone without the possibility of fucking them, you're kinda being a hoebag, imo. #SorryNotSorry #FedUp #NotASexToy #ImMoreThanTits.
EDIT: Also, if you sensed that I was heartbroken, depressed, and weak and was venting that through sex and you used that to your advantage to manipulate me, fuck you. That makes you damn near a sexual predator.
if you're only friends with me because you think I'm hot, and you're hoping to have some sort of sexual relationship with me, if you think you're ever going to have sex with me, you're wrong.
so please stop.
Yeah, I will admit, I had a while there where I did rp and sext with a lot of people. I was going through a lot, I was confused, and I was trying to vent frustrations in ways that weren't healthy.
But the thing is, I wasn't ever just friends with someone because of the sexual benefits I might get from them. And I feel like a few of my friends were friends with me for that reason.
And if that's the case, then please kindly go get bent.
I'm not going to talk dirty with you.
I'm not going to rp with you.
I'm not going to send you personal pictures / videos / anything sexual. If you want to see that stuff, then follow my adult twitter. Me and Tim do that TOGETHER, AS A COUPLE, because we both like being exhibitionists.
But I don't care WHO YOU ARE, you're not getting anything from me. Even you. Yeah, you know who you are.
I'm not here to be fap fodder for anyone, I'm not a masturbatory aide, and I'm not tits or gtfo. So how about if you want to stay my friend, you message me sometime about, I dunno, the weather / my job / life / my ankle / your job / your life / mutual interests / politics / how much ice cream rocks / how to make cookies / literally anything other than sex.
Also, if you're not able to be close friends with someone without the possibility of fucking them, you're kinda being a hoebag, imo. #SorryNotSorry #FedUp #NotASexToy #ImMoreThanTits.
EDIT: Also, if you sensed that I was heartbroken, depressed, and weak and was venting that through sex and you used that to your advantage to manipulate me, fuck you. That makes you damn near a sexual predator.
free art raffle and signal boost!
Posted 9 years agoJust wanted to make a boost for 
they look really good and hopefully you like them too! Also, they are doing a free art raffle. So go check it out!
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7434273/
they look really good and hopefully you like them too! Also, they are doing a free art raffle. So go check it out! http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7434273/
Life as it is
Posted 9 years agoSo, other than hashing things over with to try to process what happened, I've pretty much stopped talking about my previous relationship.
However, I feel like in order to really process the last little bits, in order to understand why things were they way they were, I'm going to talk now.
As some of you (most of you) know, I was married when I met Tim. I have no shame in saying I fell in love with Tim while I was with my ex husband. He wasn't a pleasant man to be around as a friend, much less married to. He was quite mentally abusive.
See, I was quite a bit older than my ex, 8 years to be exact. I was 25 and he was 18 when we met. I had just gotten left by a man that I loved more than my own life. (yep. I've been married twice so far) My first husband left me for another woman, and I was left pretty broken from that.
So I moved to Indianapolis to get away from the situation in Alabama, I couldn't stand to stay down there and watch my first husband play "happy family" with the woman he left me for and her kid. One of the reasons he left me was because I couldn't have children.
So, I threw what I could in my car and fled the state of Alabama, to what I thought would be a haven. Turns out my mother had been developing a drug habit in the 5 years I hadn't seen her, and I moved up here to, while I won't go into details, was a very bad situation. I wasn't allowed to leave the house, I got constantly berated for my weight, and my mother is mentally abusive in her own right.
So in walks Donovan. He was charming, and funny, and YOUNG. I wanted to be young. I wanted to be free. I'd been a wife for so long, and had been sick. I finally wasn't sick, and I just wanted to feel happy. 3 months after me and Don started dating, his parents invited me to move in with them, because it wasn't working out with my mom. I happily agreed. Everything looked fine at first.
It always does.
Soon after I moved in with Don's family, the weird stuff started. Even though I was an adult, and I had a job, I was required to follow the rules the young teenagers (12 and 14) followed. His parents were VERY controlling, even getting angry if I didn't eat as much as they thought I should, but then they'd turn around and get agitated with me if I ate after the rest of the family, due to my job having me off at 11.
And it started with Don too. Turns out both Don and his mother are bipolar. Don started getting angry with me over everything -- be it I cried over anything. He would put me down physically. Told me certain body parts looked weird. That was a constant through our whole relationship.
I was constantly berated for anything I did. I have several health problems that make me tired, so yeah, I do get tired early. He would be upset with me because 9 or 10 o'clock would roll around, and I'd be ready to leave and go home. He'd accuse me of having a "whiney" voice. He told me I was a fucking crybaby. A lot of things.
Now, I'll admit right now, at the end of our relationship, I was far from a good wife. I basically forced him to be open, because at this point even the sex sucked, and I just wanted to be loved. I wanted someone to find good in me, to see beauty in me. I'm not proud of my actions. But they were what they were, and they led me to where I am today, so I don't regret them.
And that's how I met Tim.
I met Tim, to be honest, for Don. We'd more or less abandoned being open at this point, but we were trying to make friends with people who didn't want to have sex with us, and based on Tim's pounced, him and Don had a lot of things in common. So I shot him a message. I couldn't really get Don to be friends with him, but me and Tim started chatting on skype often. That led to us having lunch. Which led to us hanging out. Which eventually led to us opening up to one another. I confessed how bad Don made me feel about myself, but that I really did want it to work. He said that he really thought I needed to get out, to get help, he was scared for me. Don had raised his hand at me a couple of times, accidentally hit me in the car once, and almost punched me in the face in a fit of rage punching the couch. He'd also broken his hand at this point, from punching the fridge.
I have to admit something at this point.
Spending so much time with Tim, seeing how wonderful of a person he was, how kind he was to me..not only that, his sense of humor, and yeah, I'll admit, things got sexual through text with us. We have a LOT in common sexually, and it appealed to me that he is such a sadist. The subject of maybe me having an affair with him popped up more than once, but we didn't. In the end, neither of us wanted to erode our morals like that.
But about 2 weeks before me and Don split, he did kiss me.
and whoa boy, what a kiss :3
Then, to tl;dr this, Don left, I was broke, Tim offered to let me move in, and the rest is history.
See, though, I've left SO much out of this.
Not only did I get constant abuse from Don,
His mother would constantly get angry at us for no reason. I'm so paranoid about people being mad at me now, it's stupid.
I'm scared to cry.
I don't like to talk about my problems.
I don't like to express my distress or angry or anything that shows I'm stressed. So I bottle everything up until I explode.
And I don't like showing it, because every time I'd get upset, his mother would just tell me I'm a crybaby and it's "always something wrong with you"
All this comes about to I'll admit I did something I probably shouldn't have.
I looked at facebooks, and FA.
They appear to be doing great. They both seem like they're in a better place mentally. And I'm happy for them, I really am.
but at the same time, it causes doubt in me. Why was I so wrong? What did I do? I really did try so hard.
I know you can't ever make everyone in your life happy, and I've accepted that.
I read something once, about how you had to break me, in order to prepare yourself for the next person.
And I think that's true in this case. Don had to be mean to me, he had to break me, in order to figure out not to do that to the next girl. I wasn't his forever. We weren't meant to be. And his mother? Well, she's just a crazy bitch who takes her unhappiness out on people. But Don had to break me not only for him, but for me.
I needed to be broken in order to appreciate someone as gentle as Tim.
Sometimes it is difficult to accept that, because it still hurts.
I think I realize now that I never really loved Don. I honestly thought for a long time I'd lost the ability to love, because my first husband broke my heart so badly.
But then I met Tim, and to be honest, that man is so wonderful, that most of the time I forget I've ever been hurt when I'm with him. He makes the world a slightly brighter place.
I know in the end, I just have to breathe. and let go, and accept.
I'm not completely ok, but in the end, I will be. And every day I'm a little bit more ok.
to try to process what happened, I've pretty much stopped talking about my previous relationship. However, I feel like in order to really process the last little bits, in order to understand why things were they way they were, I'm going to talk now.
As some of you (most of you) know, I was married when I met Tim. I have no shame in saying I fell in love with Tim while I was with my ex husband. He wasn't a pleasant man to be around as a friend, much less married to. He was quite mentally abusive.
See, I was quite a bit older than my ex, 8 years to be exact. I was 25 and he was 18 when we met. I had just gotten left by a man that I loved more than my own life. (yep. I've been married twice so far) My first husband left me for another woman, and I was left pretty broken from that.
So I moved to Indianapolis to get away from the situation in Alabama, I couldn't stand to stay down there and watch my first husband play "happy family" with the woman he left me for and her kid. One of the reasons he left me was because I couldn't have children.
So, I threw what I could in my car and fled the state of Alabama, to what I thought would be a haven. Turns out my mother had been developing a drug habit in the 5 years I hadn't seen her, and I moved up here to, while I won't go into details, was a very bad situation. I wasn't allowed to leave the house, I got constantly berated for my weight, and my mother is mentally abusive in her own right.
So in walks Donovan. He was charming, and funny, and YOUNG. I wanted to be young. I wanted to be free. I'd been a wife for so long, and had been sick. I finally wasn't sick, and I just wanted to feel happy. 3 months after me and Don started dating, his parents invited me to move in with them, because it wasn't working out with my mom. I happily agreed. Everything looked fine at first.
It always does.
Soon after I moved in with Don's family, the weird stuff started. Even though I was an adult, and I had a job, I was required to follow the rules the young teenagers (12 and 14) followed. His parents were VERY controlling, even getting angry if I didn't eat as much as they thought I should, but then they'd turn around and get agitated with me if I ate after the rest of the family, due to my job having me off at 11.
And it started with Don too. Turns out both Don and his mother are bipolar. Don started getting angry with me over everything -- be it I cried over anything. He would put me down physically. Told me certain body parts looked weird. That was a constant through our whole relationship.
I was constantly berated for anything I did. I have several health problems that make me tired, so yeah, I do get tired early. He would be upset with me because 9 or 10 o'clock would roll around, and I'd be ready to leave and go home. He'd accuse me of having a "whiney" voice. He told me I was a fucking crybaby. A lot of things.
Now, I'll admit right now, at the end of our relationship, I was far from a good wife. I basically forced him to be open, because at this point even the sex sucked, and I just wanted to be loved. I wanted someone to find good in me, to see beauty in me. I'm not proud of my actions. But they were what they were, and they led me to where I am today, so I don't regret them.
And that's how I met Tim.
I met Tim, to be honest, for Don. We'd more or less abandoned being open at this point, but we were trying to make friends with people who didn't want to have sex with us, and based on Tim's pounced, him and Don had a lot of things in common. So I shot him a message. I couldn't really get Don to be friends with him, but me and Tim started chatting on skype often. That led to us having lunch. Which led to us hanging out. Which eventually led to us opening up to one another. I confessed how bad Don made me feel about myself, but that I really did want it to work. He said that he really thought I needed to get out, to get help, he was scared for me. Don had raised his hand at me a couple of times, accidentally hit me in the car once, and almost punched me in the face in a fit of rage punching the couch. He'd also broken his hand at this point, from punching the fridge.
I have to admit something at this point.
Spending so much time with Tim, seeing how wonderful of a person he was, how kind he was to me..not only that, his sense of humor, and yeah, I'll admit, things got sexual through text with us. We have a LOT in common sexually, and it appealed to me that he is such a sadist. The subject of maybe me having an affair with him popped up more than once, but we didn't. In the end, neither of us wanted to erode our morals like that.
But about 2 weeks before me and Don split, he did kiss me.
and whoa boy, what a kiss :3
Then, to tl;dr this, Don left, I was broke, Tim offered to let me move in, and the rest is history.
See, though, I've left SO much out of this.
Not only did I get constant abuse from Don,
His mother would constantly get angry at us for no reason. I'm so paranoid about people being mad at me now, it's stupid.
I'm scared to cry.
I don't like to talk about my problems.
I don't like to express my distress or angry or anything that shows I'm stressed. So I bottle everything up until I explode.
And I don't like showing it, because every time I'd get upset, his mother would just tell me I'm a crybaby and it's "always something wrong with you"
All this comes about to I'll admit I did something I probably shouldn't have.
I looked at facebooks, and FA.
They appear to be doing great. They both seem like they're in a better place mentally. And I'm happy for them, I really am.
but at the same time, it causes doubt in me. Why was I so wrong? What did I do? I really did try so hard.
I know you can't ever make everyone in your life happy, and I've accepted that.
I read something once, about how you had to break me, in order to prepare yourself for the next person.
And I think that's true in this case. Don had to be mean to me, he had to break me, in order to figure out not to do that to the next girl. I wasn't his forever. We weren't meant to be. And his mother? Well, she's just a crazy bitch who takes her unhappiness out on people. But Don had to break me not only for him, but for me.
I needed to be broken in order to appreciate someone as gentle as Tim.
Sometimes it is difficult to accept that, because it still hurts.
I think I realize now that I never really loved Don. I honestly thought for a long time I'd lost the ability to love, because my first husband broke my heart so badly.
But then I met Tim, and to be honest, that man is so wonderful, that most of the time I forget I've ever been hurt when I'm with him. He makes the world a slightly brighter place.
I know in the end, I just have to breathe. and let go, and accept.
I'm not completely ok, but in the end, I will be. And every day I'm a little bit more ok.
OH MY GAWD I'M ENGAGED!
Posted 9 years agoso I know I'm a little overdue for this, but asked me to marry him last weekend! My ring is so pretty, but more importantly I'm so blessed and excited that such a wonderful man wants to marry me and be with me for the rest of our lives. He's amazing and perfect and I love him so so so so very much. <3
~small update~
Posted 9 years agoHaven't been on here in ages, been feeling ill and dealing with trying to work, and just feeling physically ill.
everything else is going really great though. I'm so thankful for Tim. He's the first real man I've had a relationship with, and it's nice to have someone who supports and loves you uncondtionally, even when you're feeling under the weather. He's perfect and amazing and wonderful, and I don't know how I ever made it without him.
We also have some exciting news, but we're not ready to tell people quite yet :3
everything else is going really great though. I'm so thankful for Tim. He's the first real man I've had a relationship with, and it's nice to have someone who supports and loves you uncondtionally, even when you're feeling under the weather. He's perfect and amazing and wonderful, and I don't know how I ever made it without him.
We also have some exciting news, but we're not ready to tell people quite yet :3
~Merry Christmas!~
Posted 9 years agoSo I guess I should update for Christmas! Ours was on the 20th, but it was wonderful~
I got Tim a couple's set, his is a dog tag and mine is a heart with a missing key shape, and the key is on his necklace, his says "Puppy gave me the key to her heart" and mine says "Horsie unlocked my heart"
I got from him a VERY VERY VERY nice pearl bracelet -- I had a set of real pearls that was earrings and necklace, so I was missing a bracelet, and it's beautiful. At three different intervals there are little diamond settings. I love love love it. I prefer pearls over any other stone or gem, and he casually picked that up and got me exactly the perfect gift!
We got a gift as a couple, an electric griddle, which we'd both been wanting one real bad to cook breakfast on.
I also got some perfume I'd been trying to find for awhile that his mom found online, Elizabeth Arden Sunflowers. I hadn't had any in YEARS and it brought back so many good memories to smell it again. I also got a really cutie little sword art online picture from his brother and sister in law, and bunches of other things. It was such a very good Christmas with good family.
That's the best gift I can ever have, I finally have a family that loves me and accepts me, weird and all. I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not, and I feel so good about that.
Also, the really incredibly awesome love letter Tim left in the mailbox for me this morning was a pretty big thing too. <3
I love you, Horsie.
Merry Christmas everyone!
I got Tim a couple's set, his is a dog tag and mine is a heart with a missing key shape, and the key is on his necklace, his says "Puppy gave me the key to her heart" and mine says "Horsie unlocked my heart"
I got from him a VERY VERY VERY nice pearl bracelet -- I had a set of real pearls that was earrings and necklace, so I was missing a bracelet, and it's beautiful. At three different intervals there are little diamond settings. I love love love it. I prefer pearls over any other stone or gem, and he casually picked that up and got me exactly the perfect gift!
We got a gift as a couple, an electric griddle, which we'd both been wanting one real bad to cook breakfast on.
I also got some perfume I'd been trying to find for awhile that his mom found online, Elizabeth Arden Sunflowers. I hadn't had any in YEARS and it brought back so many good memories to smell it again. I also got a really cutie little sword art online picture from his brother and sister in law, and bunches of other things. It was such a very good Christmas with good family.
That's the best gift I can ever have, I finally have a family that loves me and accepts me, weird and all. I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not, and I feel so good about that.
Also, the really incredibly awesome love letter Tim left in the mailbox for me this morning was a pretty big thing too. <3
I love you, Horsie.
Merry Christmas everyone!
~update~
Posted 9 years agoSo I figure a little bit of happy was due instead of me being all sad. I'm feeling a lot better than I was a couple of days ago. Sometimes my hormones and other stuff gets the best of me and I get really sad. It usually feels better to vent it out. I don't mind too much if I don't get a response, it's more to clear the toxins from my head :3
Things are nice right now. I've got a couple of days until I'm off for two weeks, and the entire week after Christmas me and the Horse are off together, which I'm super excited about a whole week of laying out in jammies and gaming with him and just relaxing sounds so so so so nice.
I can't wait to show off what I got him for Christmas, I think he is going to absolutely love it, and I'm so excited for him to see it! I reckon I don't have a lot to update right now, just didn't wanna be all emo <3
Things are nice right now. I've got a couple of days until I'm off for two weeks, and the entire week after Christmas me and the Horse are off together, which I'm super excited about a whole week of laying out in jammies and gaming with him and just relaxing sounds so so so so nice.
I can't wait to show off what I got him for Christmas, I think he is going to absolutely love it, and I'm so excited for him to see it! I reckon I don't have a lot to update right now, just didn't wanna be all emo <3
Oh, ok.
Posted 9 years agoSo, I don't know why I'm even bothering with journals anymore, it's not as if anyone actually says anything.
How do you deal with a realization that while you know you need to learn how to live with and handle, makes you sick to your stomach it hurts so badly?
I'm trying to pretend I'm ok...I'm trying to pretend I still have everything together, but I don't. I'm a fucking wreck. I have to use my own saying on myself this time-
"She's 10 gallons of crazy in a 5 gallon bucket, you ain't got time for that mess"
because that's exactly how I feel. I cry constantly. I'm so homesick I can't stand it. I'm smothering Tim to death. I miss...way too many things. (Not people. Not the person you're all thinking of. Don't misunderstand me.) I miss too many actions.
I hate myself because despite the recognition that there is 110% effort being put in here, I feel like a stupid greedy bitch because I'm still...I dunno.
I feel like anyone I talk to, I overburden. So I don't talk to anyone, which leaves me feeling alone. Which in turn makes me spill EVERYTHING to one person. Which makes me feel like a burden. Ugly cycle.
Sometimes I just wish I could go home, get me some little job down there, get some little cheap trailer out in the country in Buhl or Gordo or something out in Sispey Valley and just..be alone.
How do you deal with a realization that while you know you need to learn how to live with and handle, makes you sick to your stomach it hurts so badly?
I'm trying to pretend I'm ok...I'm trying to pretend I still have everything together, but I don't. I'm a fucking wreck. I have to use my own saying on myself this time-
"She's 10 gallons of crazy in a 5 gallon bucket, you ain't got time for that mess"
because that's exactly how I feel. I cry constantly. I'm so homesick I can't stand it. I'm smothering Tim to death. I miss...way too many things. (Not people. Not the person you're all thinking of. Don't misunderstand me.) I miss too many actions.
I hate myself because despite the recognition that there is 110% effort being put in here, I feel like a stupid greedy bitch because I'm still...I dunno.
I feel like anyone I talk to, I overburden. So I don't talk to anyone, which leaves me feeling alone. Which in turn makes me spill EVERYTHING to one person. Which makes me feel like a burden. Ugly cycle.
Sometimes I just wish I could go home, get me some little job down there, get some little cheap trailer out in the country in Buhl or Gordo or something out in Sispey Valley and just..be alone.
just an update
Posted 10 years ago just putting a little update out here. I'm pretty excited for Christmas, all things considered. Seasonal depression is hitting me pretty hard and I'm having a hard time wanting to do anything, but I am very excited for to get his Christmas presents from me, I think I did really good and I'm super excited. I'm going to get to hang out with a friend Friday, and things aren't horrible. I'm just having a hard time. This is the first holiday in my adult life that I've not been married or engaged, and it feels...different. I'm not saying I ready for any of that, but it still feels strange. I have a lot of stupid doubts bothering me, and I'm very homesick. I'm so eternally grateful for my Horsie though, because he is doing everything he can to make me feel better. It just...sometimes it's just not enough. Sometimes there isn't anything you can do to make things better. I know I'll be ok, I just have to take things one day at a time right now. I know I'm not alone...sometimes it's VERY hard to see that though. *sigh*
Posted 10 years agoSo I was going to make this super long drama filled journal entry about everything 
did to me while we were married.
Instead, I'm just going to let this shit go.
You know what, Don? We were bad to each other, I'll fully admit that. We were not a good fit.
Do you know why I am still bothering you? I just want you to admit that you were bad to me too. It's not fair, because you're going around making me look like some crazy fucking bitch, when you know our problems were both of us.
I don't want to be in your life. I don't even really care what you have going on right now, because I've got my own life too now, if you haven't noticed.
I just want to tie these ends up, and part ways at least on alright terms. I don't bash you until I hear word of you bashing me.
I just want you to admit it was your fault too, grow up, and take some of the fucking blame for your mistakes. I've already admitted mine.
did to me while we were married.Instead, I'm just going to let this shit go.
You know what, Don? We were bad to each other, I'll fully admit that. We were not a good fit.
Do you know why I am still bothering you? I just want you to admit that you were bad to me too. It's not fair, because you're going around making me look like some crazy fucking bitch, when you know our problems were both of us.
I don't want to be in your life. I don't even really care what you have going on right now, because I've got my own life too now, if you haven't noticed.
I just want to tie these ends up, and part ways at least on alright terms. I don't bash you until I hear word of you bashing me.
I just want you to admit it was your fault too, grow up, and take some of the fucking blame for your mistakes. I've already admitted mine.
Coward
Posted 10 years agoLike I said, coward. If you're going to come on my journal have some smart ass shit to say (because I'm sure you did)
don't delete your comments.
fucking child.
don't delete your comments.
fucking child.
GOD YOU TREMENDOUS ASS...
Posted 10 years agoJust so everyone knows.
I WAS NOT PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE TO DONOVAN. YES. I HIT HIM ONCE. ONCE. ABOUT 5 YEARS AGO, AFTER HE REPEATEDLY CALLED MY (AT THE TIME) 3 AND 5 YEAR OLD NEPHEWS RETARDED AND I WARNED HIM SEVERAL TIMES TO STOP.
I'd also like to point out that he's a fucking coward. He won't admit to what he did wrong but he wants to play fucking pity party.
Won't you just admit you were a shit husband and you ignored me, called me names, you and your mother manipulated me, and you PUT EVERYTHING ABOUT ME DOWN.
Hell, you want more fucking proof that I WAS TOO FUCKING NICE FOR YOU GUYS?
YOU CONSTANTLY TOLD ME TO "THICKEN MY SKIN" AND 'STOP BEING A CRYBABY' BECAUSE I WAS MORE SENSITIVE AND CARING THAN YOU.
I WAS ABUSIVE? MOTHERFUCKER, I DON'T SEE YOU SEEKING THERAPY FOR THE YEARS OF ABUSE LIKE ME.
Grow a fucking pair, little boy. If you're going to talk about me,
A. Do it to my fucking face
B. TELL THE WHOLE FUCKING TRUTH.
Honestly, I can give a whole fucking list of everything he did to me, while the only he thing he has against me is Tim and the fact I slugged his arm once like 5 years ago.
*cough*PityPartyMuch*cough*
God. I'm so pissed I could probably bite through nails right now.
I WAS NOT PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE TO DONOVAN. YES. I HIT HIM ONCE. ONCE. ABOUT 5 YEARS AGO, AFTER HE REPEATEDLY CALLED MY (AT THE TIME) 3 AND 5 YEAR OLD NEPHEWS RETARDED AND I WARNED HIM SEVERAL TIMES TO STOP.
I'd also like to point out that he's a fucking coward. He won't admit to what he did wrong but he wants to play fucking pity party.
Won't you just admit you were a shit husband and you ignored me, called me names, you and your mother manipulated me, and you PUT EVERYTHING ABOUT ME DOWN.
Hell, you want more fucking proof that I WAS TOO FUCKING NICE FOR YOU GUYS?
YOU CONSTANTLY TOLD ME TO "THICKEN MY SKIN" AND 'STOP BEING A CRYBABY' BECAUSE I WAS MORE SENSITIVE AND CARING THAN YOU.
I WAS ABUSIVE? MOTHERFUCKER, I DON'T SEE YOU SEEKING THERAPY FOR THE YEARS OF ABUSE LIKE ME.
Grow a fucking pair, little boy. If you're going to talk about me,
A. Do it to my fucking face
B. TELL THE WHOLE FUCKING TRUTH.
Honestly, I can give a whole fucking list of everything he did to me, while the only he thing he has against me is Tim and the fact I slugged his arm once like 5 years ago.
*cough*PityPartyMuch*cough*
God. I'm so pissed I could probably bite through nails right now.
~Thanksgiving~
Posted 10 years ago had such a wonderful Thanksgiving with 's family. We had lots of good food, and we sat around and watched National Lampoon's Christmas vacation and Groundhog Day. It was really nice. Got to meet his uncle, and we went on a walk with his mom and just chatted with her. It felt so nice to finally have a holiday where I was just...accepted and loved. It's been so long since I've had family that was normal, hadn't had that since I was a kid. I'm so thankful for Teske and his family. They're great. I hope everyone else in America had a good Thanksgiving! MOVE IN WITH US YO.
Posted 10 years agoSo our resident bunny has moved a couple hours away for a job, and we've recently had a room vacate. We're looking to fill that spot, and who might be the right person? MAYBE YOU!
AWESOME THINGS THAT MIGHT HAPPEN IF YOU MOVE IN!
I cook, quite a bit, and I have no problem including you in our meals. I am a Southern woman, and I tend to make stuff like-
Alfredo, chicken, and broccoli stuffed shells
chicken and noodles
chili
vegetable soup
chicken spaghetti
and other stuff -- and everything I make is typically homemade.
We have a washer and dryer
the apartment is a townhouse, full bath upstairs and half downstairs.
I typically do all the cleaning, but I do appreciate help with dishes sometimes!
Basically, the rent would be 400$ a month, and that includes rent and utilities. Also, we do ask that if you want snacks, soda pop, etc, you provide that as well, but I cook 2-3 times a week at least and have no problem including you in our meals.
We do ask that you be clean (keep food / dishes / trash picked up in your room, THAT'S HOW YOU GET ANTS, DO YOU WANT ANTS?) And cat friendly. I have a female cat that is very quiet and good. We ask that if you have a male cat, he be cut to prevent spraying. We don't mind dogs, but they MUST be CAT AND PEOPLE FRIENDLY. Also, there will be additional fees upon move-in. CAN MOVE IN IMMEDIATELY! Also, if you work 2nd or 3rd shift, we ask that you PLEASE be quiet -- we both work VERY early 1st shift jobs and typically go to bed about 9 or 10, if not earlier sometimes.
Also, some general rules --
be polite. we're nice. we like nice people. Don't hate.
we don't care what you are...you can be gay, straight, black, white, trans, whatever. We don't care. Just be friends with us, okay? We're likeable, and we like people we can like :D
Like I said, quiet. By all means, please enjoy your music / tv, have friends over, etc -- but every other weekend, Teske works, and has to be up at 5 am. PLEASE god respect that.
So I can't really think of anything else, but if anyone has any questions, message me here. We're in Central Indiana (SE side of Indianapolis.)
AWESOME THINGS THAT MIGHT HAPPEN IF YOU MOVE IN!
I cook, quite a bit, and I have no problem including you in our meals. I am a Southern woman, and I tend to make stuff like-
Alfredo, chicken, and broccoli stuffed shells
chicken and noodles
chili
vegetable soup
chicken spaghetti
and other stuff -- and everything I make is typically homemade.
We have a washer and dryer
the apartment is a townhouse, full bath upstairs and half downstairs.
I typically do all the cleaning, but I do appreciate help with dishes sometimes!
Basically, the rent would be 400$ a month, and that includes rent and utilities. Also, we do ask that if you want snacks, soda pop, etc, you provide that as well, but I cook 2-3 times a week at least and have no problem including you in our meals.
We do ask that you be clean (keep food / dishes / trash picked up in your room, THAT'S HOW YOU GET ANTS, DO YOU WANT ANTS?) And cat friendly. I have a female cat that is very quiet and good. We ask that if you have a male cat, he be cut to prevent spraying. We don't mind dogs, but they MUST be CAT AND PEOPLE FRIENDLY. Also, there will be additional fees upon move-in. CAN MOVE IN IMMEDIATELY! Also, if you work 2nd or 3rd shift, we ask that you PLEASE be quiet -- we both work VERY early 1st shift jobs and typically go to bed about 9 or 10, if not earlier sometimes.
Also, some general rules --
be polite. we're nice. we like nice people. Don't hate.
we don't care what you are...you can be gay, straight, black, white, trans, whatever. We don't care. Just be friends with us, okay? We're likeable, and we like people we can like :D
Like I said, quiet. By all means, please enjoy your music / tv, have friends over, etc -- but every other weekend, Teske works, and has to be up at 5 am. PLEASE god respect that.
So I can't really think of anything else, but if anyone has any questions, message me here. We're in Central Indiana (SE side of Indianapolis.)
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Posted 10 years ago I just have to say that you're a fucking try hard, and you're trying TOO FUCKING HARD.
Yes. Please copy EVERYTHING I do.
/golfclap
~My Birthday!~
Posted 10 years agoSo yesterday was my birthday, and I have to say, my boyfriend gave me one of the best ones I've ever had. Apparently he's been planning a huge surprise party for me for months...but he hid it SO SO SO well. So yesterday he lured me out of the house on the notion that he just wanted to spend lots of time with me on my birthday (he had to work, he's a security guard and the building is closed on Saturday) so I go to his work a little after 3 and there were cupcakes and presents waiting for me. My cupcakes were from The Flying Cupcake, which is an awesome cupcake place--AND THEY WERE COLORED LIKE THE MANE 6. <3 and I opened my gifts, which was a gift card to bath and body works and My Little Pony Monopoly. So since we had time to burn, we played a long game of Monopoly (I kicked his butt at the start, but he demolished me in the end) and had a cupcake. Then he got off, and we were going home under the pretense of "just throwing a frozen pizza in and relaxing" but I pulled up and noticed something was off...and saw...stuff....and walked into my house and so many people where there, it was amazing! They decorated with so so so so so many balloons and streamers and I had a My Little Pony cake and I got so many cool presents! my total rundown for my swag was -
My Little Pony Monopoly
My Little Pony playing cards
2 candles, a campfire scented and a vanilla scented
a visa gift card
Hello Kitty cleaning cloth because yay glasses
FUCKING CANDY CANE WITH JIM BEAM FUCK YEAH BOOZE.
Zelda yahtzee
Inside Out blu ray
big bag of Zombie Food Candy
coloring book with disney puppies!
word find
markers
bath and body works gift cards
and the resident bunny who can draw really well but doesn't ever drew my sona for me.
also, my dad gave me 30 bucks.
Not a bad haul at all, considering it was WAY WAY TOO MUCH already. I wasn't expecting anything, and just having people celebrate alone was enough, much less presents. I just...it was wonderful! I've never had such a wonderful birthday!
My Little Pony Monopoly
My Little Pony playing cards
2 candles, a campfire scented and a vanilla scented
a visa gift card
Hello Kitty cleaning cloth because yay glasses
FUCKING CANDY CANE WITH JIM BEAM FUCK YEAH BOOZE.
Zelda yahtzee
Inside Out blu ray
big bag of Zombie Food Candy
coloring book with disney puppies!
word find
markers
bath and body works gift cards
and the resident bunny who can draw really well but doesn't ever drew my sona for me.
also, my dad gave me 30 bucks.
Not a bad haul at all, considering it was WAY WAY TOO MUCH already. I wasn't expecting anything, and just having people celebrate alone was enough, much less presents. I just...it was wonderful! I've never had such a wonderful birthday!
