Worse off than before.

A month away. Only a handful of journals and submissions.

Everybody leaving?

'Sup?

Been a year.

My two year trial is coming to an end. :3

I'll be having the steelbar in my chest removed. It's a safe surgery; it's even outpatient.

Any prayers or happy thoughts are welcome!


Love you guys, God bless.

'Sup?

I've got an engineering internship for the summer (yes, I am aware that I am a computer scientist) (...this internship is not hard at all). I work insane hours (from 4 AM to 2:30 PM). I sleep during my time home.

In other words, I'm probably not going to stay here. I lurk on FA (check once every week or so, see on average seven or eight notifs), and it really serves no purpose for me, since very little communication actually occurs.

Probably nothing new.

A few things:
Feel that your friends aren't involving you? Try involving them.
You are a loved individual. You are never too far from God's Grace.
Yes, I am going crazy. (See paragraph #2)
I am creating C++ and Java (maybe even C#) programming tutorials this summer. Not videos, but programming files with lots of comments (in-script notations).
The probability of me disappearing entirely from the 'net is very high.
That new Attalus CD 'Into the Sea' kills.
Want to keep in contact? Keep in contact. Easier than it sounds. If you know me well enough to even want to desire conversing with me, you already have the means to. If you don't, for some reason, note me. And you send a message to me. Because see my second paragraph. I have to reply back because I'm constantly busy during my uptime. Sending a message to me forces a reply.
I AM writing. Not that it matters or anything.

Oh yeah, if I'm at work, I don't check my phone for anything except texts and phone calls. I do not have internet at work except during break.

Uh, see y'all later. Love you all. God bless you.

Preface:

This is likely to either be a wake-up call or something to be ignored altogether. I imagine this is weighed against our sense of pride because a criticism of our human nature tends to be inflammatory to our personal feelings. There is no intention to do harm- only an attempt to bring betterment to your life. This is something that I personally weigh with extreme importance- it is part ethics, part social criticism.

Introduction:

Love (in its most basic form) is a behavior that we both learn and know from instinct. We build attractions and relationships from birth with those who are close based upon a need of security and comfort, similar in the methods witnessed in connections between dogs and their owners (not so much cats and their owners; their relationship is not affected by the security of the cat). Young children are uncomfortable and display stress and anxiety when the parents are not around, as do our security-attached pets. As we grow older, we stray less from this egocentric attachment into genuine affection. We may love our mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, in an uncanny sense that we often cannot replicate with others until we’re able to build bridges of trust. This love can be lost with parents who treat their children poorly or when abuse is brought into the family frame.

As humans mature, they develop and almost as if at the turn of a key, a new part of our personality is unlocked. We begin to desire attachment in a way that is more than simple presence and security. We seek to be united with another individual (or in the stark reality of human nature: multiple individuals). This desire is separate from the camaraderie we feel with our friends, or the sense of ‘home’ and duty we feel with our family. We seek to go out and not only woo over someone, but also to physically connect with them.

Lastly, and because this affection has no specific time at which we develop it (some don’t ‘develop’ it at all), we seek justice, rightness, and goodwill towards others. The selfless and sacrificial love we hold towards the ‘others’ in our society and the ones we hold close. We may even seek to understand the others and ourselves as part of our positive affection to the ones we love.
I’ve presented four different types of affection (familial, brotherly, romantic, and selfless A) for which we only have one word: love. Somewhere in the mess of our cultures in the last age (~2,160 years) we lost our ability to philologically discriminate B between the two. We love our brothers and friends in a different way, yet we “love” them both. We may love the others around us, but we do not “love” them the same way we love our mates. In English (God knows I don’t know how other languages account for affection) there is only one word, which I’ve used fairly frequently so far.

Yet, as ambiguous as affection is in a connotative sense, its perception in our cultures have become horribly damaged. I want to discuss two “corruptions” (for lack of a better word) of Love in our current cultures. The first is when we “love” someone or something but instead of having affection we have only desire. The second is when we “love” someone or something and are careless to its actual state of being, as long as some personal understanding of their state is met. The first form happens most frequently in relationships while the second happens most in the parent-child relationship, or relationships where there is a duty involved. I will not say that one is worse than the other; both do immense damage, especially to the object of the ‘affection’.

Infatuation:

This happens mostly in the romantic relationships and thus it runs rampant and is common enough that I see the concept of mutual infatuation as being acceptable as love itself. Let me very clear: infatuation is not love. In my entire time in ethics and philosophy, I have rarely spoken about identity ethics: the ethics that involves how we view others and ourselves, and the statuses of each, accordingly. This is one of those moments where I will break my silence and maintain this adamantly.

People are not objects. They are not things to be conquered, to be used, to be abused, and to be dehumanized. The weight of a relationship cannot be in sex. It is not acceptable to treat your loved one as an object of pleasure. People are so much more than that. Pornography, treating sex as a goal (and thus your mate as a means to an end), and treating sexuality/attraction as the main component in a relationship is the easiest way to destroy everything good and honest in a relationship. If you love someone, it should not be because you can “profit” off of them. I have seen this happen and it ticks me off. I hate seeing the friends I love mistreat each other and watch them get dehumanized by their partner. C It doesn’t matter if you and your mate agree to something. Mutual dehumanization is doubly worse. It is degradation and destruction of human identity and value, and the entire relationship goes down with it.

Kindness:

I must be very clear about this: Kindness is not bad. It truly isn’t. But how kindness is defined is something I must make clear. Here’s a quote from C.S. Lewis:
There is kindness in Love but Love and kindness are not coterminous, and when kindness… …is separated from the other elements of Love, it involves a certain fundamental indifference to its object, and even something like contempt of it. …Kindness, merely as such, cares not whether its object becomes good or bad, provided only that it escapes suffering. 1
Kindness may be a good trait to those who are unknown to us and persons we’re not invested in. We may seek to make others happy, but carelessness can place happiness far above their well-being. Lewis provides a different understanding in place of love:

It is for people whom we care nothing about that we demand happiness on any terms: with our friends, our lovers, our children, we are exacting and would rather see them suffer than be happy in contemptible and estranging modes. ^{D, 2}
This kindness is one we often overlook in our daily lives. How often do we confuse this kindness to our friends with our general and caring affection for them? Is it possible that we see the others around us in a matter of tolerance and profit? Economists often state that people do things based off of incentives, and those drive human behavior, but I have to disagree. How else would concepts like altruism, selflessness, and love even come around or even begin to be imagined? Are you even prepared to view your “loved ones” through the lens of “love” instead of “kindness”?

Conclusion:
This “kindness” in its above sense is something that I witness as being paired with infatuation. It generates a tolerance in relationships that is balanced with personal gain. Often times, I hear the following dialog in conversations “Well, does he make you happy?” “Yeah, I guess. So it’s not as bad as it could be.” I can easily imagine relationships as being something better and deeper where such dialog doesn’t need to happen. The friendly “kindness” displayed there between the friends shows the unwillingness to get into the grit of the relationship of their friend and their partner.

Love is not passive. Love is an active force that drives one and another to the mutual construction and reparation of one another. It does not cease for ‘what is,’ it longs for what can be.

I think I will wrap this up with Lewis’ representation of Love, as I think it is a fairly good note to end on and to think about:
…Love, in its own nature, demands the perfecting of the beloved;… …Love may, indeed, love the beloved when her beauty is lost: but not because it is lost. Love may forgive all the infirmities and love still in spite of them: but Love cannot cease to will their removal… ^3E

Footnotes:
A – Greek: Storge, philia, eros, and agape; respectively. (Spellings vary, I know.)
B – In the words original sense: to tell the difference between things
C – Yes, you are witnessing my anger.
D – I can also say I’d rather suffer than watch the ones I love be happy in “contemptible or estranging modes.” (Watching others do exactly that is a source of depression and sadness for me. It produces suffering of its own kind.)
E – The problem of reconciling human suffering with the existence of a God, is only insoluble so long as we attach a trivial meaning to the word ‘love’, and look on as if man were the centre of them. Man is not the centre. God does not exist for the sake of man. Man does not exist for his own sake. ‘Thou has created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.’ We were made not primarily that we may love God (though we were made for that too) but that God may love us, that we may become objects in which the Divine love may rest ‘well pleased’. To ask that God’s love should be content with us as we are is to ask that God should cease to be God: because He is what He is, His love must, in the nature of things, be impeded and repelled by certain stains in our present character, and because He already loves us He must labour to make us lovable. We cannot even wish, in our better moments, that He could reconcile Himself to our present impurities – no more than the beggar maid could wish that King Cophetua should be content with her rags and dirt, or a dog, once having learned to love man, could wish that man were such as to tolerate in his house the snapping, verminous, polluting creature of the wild pack. What we would here and now call our ‘happiness’ is not the end God chiefly has in view: but when we are such as He can love without impediment, we shall in fact be happy.” 4Lewis notes, and I must too, that instances where we ask God (or our loved ones) not to intercede to our betterment, we are really asking to be loved less so that we may be ‘happier.’ (Although, in potential, less happy than what could be.)

References:
1 – Lewis, C. S. "Divine Goodness." The Problem of Pain. 1st ed. New York, NY: HarperOne, 2001. 32. Print.
2 – Ibid., 32-33
3 – Ibid., 38-39
4 –Ibid., 40-41
See on Wordpress.

More than a number.
More than your sexuality.
More than your failures.
More than the pain you feel.
More than the losses you've suffered through.
More than your vices.
More than your political beliefs.
More than your sleepless nights.
More than your diploma or degree.


More than just a simple body.


The whole is always greater than the parts. Never sacrifice all of who you are for just a piece of yourself.


You are worth something.


Never forget to love one another. Treat every word you speak like it will be the last they will ever hear.


Colossians 3:11-17 (ESV)
Here there is not Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave, free; but Christ is all, and in all. Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

I am no longer:
-Writing essays.
-Writing music.
-Sharing poetry.
-Accepting writing commissions or trades.
-Socializing.
-Posting for The Great Divergence. (You know, it's been months. I could resume it, but I likely won't until I have the time to do so.)
-Minecrafting.
-Making music programs with MMF.
-Being an ethicist.

I am still:
-Writing DITLs, for multiple characters.

This is due to personal changes and extreme social/mental stress. I am withdrawing from social groups as well as reducing time spent at my computers. If you know me well, you know how I can be found.

In short, the following is happening:
I have a make-up exam tomorrow, and next Tuesday. I am going to a hospital Monday for a sleep study. I am suffering from insomnia (at max, four hours a day if I sleep at all) as well as a viral infection.

A lot has been happening the last few months and I am unable to keep up with anything at all. I have managed to do a fine job of fighting off depression but I have succumbed to it recently.

So, as a defensive measure, I'm backing away from everything and burying myself in my studies.

Farewell, until I see you all again.

Usually their stance is readily apparent. How someone morally examines an argument or situation gives you a glimpse into how they think.

Step 1: Examine there the moral authority comes from.
An absolutist denies or supports an action because it is wrong or right by an unchanging definition of good or evil.
A relativist denies or supports an action because it is right or wrong by his opinion.


Things to remember about these two stances:

No one is morally absolved because of their stance. Absolutists are usually people who treat all of their actions as something they are 100% accountable for. Relativists usually treat accountability as a "if I'm caught" situation, because accountability is not inherent to their actions, in their eyes.


Where the accountability comes from is usually dependent on where moral authority comes from.

Absolutist morality is judged by the Law-giver and others who have moral authority based upon the rule-set. Since absolutism is a requirement of any non-contradictory religion, absolutism is rooted in the belief of a God or a pantheon, who see every action. Some moral theories suggest that there is a moral intuition inherent to human beings, but the fact that humans disagree even slightly in any moral situation suggests that is incorrect.

Relativist morality has accountability managed by adherents to opinions, regardless of whether or not they match the subjects beliefs. Accountability authority comes from whoever has power, be it a government or someone with a gun or whether or not you think getting wasted and getting behind the wheel is a good idea.


The issue with relativist thinking is that it rests on a contradiction:
Truth is subjective to an individual.

This is a contradiction; the statement is an objective, and not subjective, truth. Since it is a contradiction, it must not be true.


A common criticism for absolutism is that the moral lawgiver is just another opinion.
This criticism is incorrect in that the moral lawgiver does not provide just another opinion, but instead a definition.

Reposted from here.

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Preface

I wanted to start this off by quoting a resource I had recently come across. Once, sometimes twice, during a week I get a free book that is considered a resource for Christians. It is a simple newsletter that lands in my e-mail inbox every Monday/Tuesday and Friday. I generally forget I have the limited opportunity to grab these publications but once upon a time one came into my inbox that grabbed my attention immediately. It was called Glorious Ruin: How suffering sets you free by Tullian Tchividjian. In my experience, books that attempt to explain how our horrible experiences in life are room to grow tend to bury our problems and never give anything tangible about how to pick ourselves up and move on. I have not even finished the Introduction to the book and already I feel I am obligated to quote the book as it addresses the glaring issue I have always come across without fail. It is likely that this essay will not cover all the ground it needs to and it’s likely that I will add to it in the coming months. Identity is no simple matter and I will not wrap it up in a single essay.

Here are the parts, from the Introduction (emphasis original):

Have you ever felt like you couldn’t share the details of a difficult situation without someone immediately offering a solution or a spiritual platitude? Have you ever responded that way yourself? The required cheerfulness that characterizes many of our churches produces a suffocating environment of pat, religious answers to the painful, complex questions that riddle the lives of hurting people. We will look at how this culture of mandatory happiness actually promotes dishonesty and more suffering.

…understanding the root and inevitability of pain is rarely enough to alleviate or reduce it. The Nobel Prize-winning social psychologist Daniel Kahneman has built a storied career proving the limits of self-knowledge when it comes to suffering. Even when we know where the hurt is coming from, we tend to respond in one of two ways: we moralize or we minimize.

Moralists interpret misfortune as the karmic result of misbehavior. This for that. “You failed to obey God, so He gave your child an illness.” Such rule-based economies of punishment and reward may be the default mode of the fallen human heart, but that doesn’t make them any less brutal! This does not mean that sin doesn’t have consequences. If you blow all of your money on booze, you will likely reap poverty, loneliness, and cirrhosis of the liver. Simple cause and effect. But to conclude that suffering people have somehow heaped up trouble for themselves on the Cosmic Registry and that God is doling out the misery in direct proportion would be more than mistaken; it would be cruel.

(…)

The second and equally counterproductive impulse when it comes to suffering is the one that minimizes. Have you ever heard someone try to comfort a grieving friend, saying, “Death is a natural part of life”? The intention may be compassionate, but the recipient seldom experiences that way. For them, you have just minimized their pain, implying that death and devastation are morally neutral, that our perceptions are ultimately what create the problem of pain–that if we were only able to detach from our emotions, we would experience peace in life, no matter the circumstances. And while there is a certain truth to that–Paul does ask, “Death, where is thy sting?” (1 Cor. 15:55 KJV)–in the moment, it can convey immense insensitivity. Moreover, we minimize suffering when we instrumentalize it. That is, when we subordinate suffering to the result it might achieve, or when we reduce it to a glorified means of self-improvement, as certain daytime talk show hosts might be accused of doing. Christians, of course, use spiritual language to minimize suffering constantly, even their own. The need to exonerate God in the midst of tragedy–even to shove Bible verses in a person’s face (regardless of how profound or true they may be)–can be just as harmful as saying something actively discouraging, as if God were small enough to be invalidated by our individual suffering.

Both the moralizing and the minimizing approaches are attempts to keep suffering at bay, to play God. It is safe to say that when we our faith (or lack thereof) feels like a fight against the realities of suffering instead of a resource for accepting them, we are on the wrong track. Writer and theologian Robert Farrar Capon has suggested that perhaps we need to “turn the question around–the message is for suffering and conflicted people. Christ on the cross meets us in our suffering and conflicts not in the promise to take them all away. He is simply with us in all our times” (emphasis original). Capon means that our hope is not “Jesus plus an explanation as to why suffering happens,” or “Jesus plus an explanation as to why you have this job, that spouse, or these circumstances or pain.” He is suggesting that God is especially present in suffering.

Tchividjian, Tullian. Glorious Ruin: How Suffering Sets You Free. Colorado Springs, CO: David C Cook, 2012. 2, 3-6. EPUB file.

It does no good to try to redirect the problem and reality of the situations of those around us. It would help no one to minimize or moralize a problem. In reality, it makes things worse. These responses make those who feel abandoned really abandoned. Those who suffer often have to stand alone. This is a problem that I’ve come across so often while seeking help that I actually resolved to stop asking, because every time without fail my situation only got worse. It was as if I was incapable of sharing my burden. I became so used to this treatment that the first time someone actually decided to sit down and force me to talk, I was both in shock and scared. I didn’t know what to do- it was as if the impossible was happening to me. I can say, with much regret, that this kind of support had come from those who were dear to me, not necessarily the other Christians that I was supposed to rely on. This integral body of Christ was divided at the cellular level, such that I was festering with no immune system to turn to.

It is from this kind of personal experience that I am coming from. I never want to subjugate others to this same kind of treatment. The suffering we have to fight through is no small burden despite how much we try to pretend.

Yet, I feel that the focus of this writing is coming from those who have already been defeated. Those who, in their lives, have come across struggles, personal questions, and given minimized or moralized answers that have left us short-changed. In the wake of this, I feel that we have become people who are simply discontent with how things are, and we wish it to be… different. Not every case is the same, and I do not mean to generalize them all or pretend that I will address every possible case. That’s an impossible task, and I only hope that, through this, I can reach the people who are stuck where I used to be in life.
Where we come from…

I had what some might call an overactive imagination. I grew up watching Star Wars and thus I grew up thinking about Star Wars. I wondered what it would be like to be Jedi, or a Rebel, or a Stormtrooper. I had shirts, actions figures, and toys of speeders. I reenacted fights on the bed in my room, creating a false terrain made of pillows, blankets, and a bunk bed. Each character had their own voice, and I decided who the commander was for each force. I even ran little scenarios and pretended that there was a legitimate skirmish where the battle lines moved. I was generally happy with this little setup and it entertained me.

At some point, I think late at night, I wondered why it couldn’t be real. Why did it have to be some kind of figment of my imagination? Real life seemed so dull in comparison to the colorful and spectacular worlds that populated my bedroom floor and the TV screen. This question persisted throughout my life until I became almost obsessed with it. I couldn’t mend the books I was reading with reality and it rent my mind in two: half of me was ticked that reality was so boring while the other half of me just wanted to get away from all the stress and responsibility. There was nothing fun about reality, it seemed, when compared to dragons or spacewars and supervillains and heroes.

I think it goes without saying that I wasn’t happy with who I was as well. I literally envied the housecat because of how easy their lives seemed in comparison- how agile and flexible. They seemed to have the image of perspicacity and wisdom in their faces, while they had a sassy passive-aggressive side that made them at least entertaining to toy with. I didn’t care that they didn’t have opposable thumbs and that they couldn’t build structures with LEGOs, only chew on them. Even the thought of being an alien in Star Wars was entertaining as well. Maybe a Mandalorian Bounty Hunter with an inclination towards the force, who could prowl the undercity of Coruscant chasing criminals.

But I was just a young boy who felt that he was limited by who he was. Just a human. An unnoticeable dot on a slightly larger blue dot in the terrifyingly large scale of the universe. Surely, somewhere, what I wanted to be existed? Why couldn’t I be it? Instead, I’m scrawny white boy with a bowl in his chest that made me dread going to the pool when others were around. I felt, and still feel, handicapped in my identity. I wanted to be something more. I wanted to be attractive, successful, and placed in a world that didn’t seem to be falling apart at every seam.

There’s a comparison trap that we always fall into. It might be the only thing I managed to glean from one of the support books I’ve read. We compare ourselves to other things and grow discontent when we don’t meet the standards. I’m not attractive, I can’t sing well, I have a thing in my chest, I… It goes on for quite a while. I’ve failed society’s standards and I’d failed my own. I fell into depression for a little while as a result.

I picked up escapes, however, to deal with what I felt was a cosmic joke of a life. I read books, and when that didn’t do enough good for me, I started writing. Originally, it was a deviation off of an already existing fictional universe. I took it as an inspiration next and threw away what I already had and started again. And again. And again. I didn’t want to focus on school, which was boring and what felt like a waste of time learning stuff that was far too easy for me.

I had become so discontent with life, and who and what I was, that it was beginning to become damaging.
God

I don’t claim to have all the answers. I never will. I’m only comfortable talking about what I already know, whether I’m actually right or not. I don’t pretend to know all that is to be known in this universe. I try to speak primarily from experience and things learned firsthand, or from the firsthand accounts of others. I needed to say this before I get on to the next part. But I also need to make it abundantly clear that while the above is true, my words are not meant to be dismissed simply because it doesn’t match perfectly the cases that exist out in the world.

I didn’t believe in God for more than half of my life. I attended church with my mom, talked whatever talk, and had some superstitious reasoning that the universe just happened and that God was some mythical thing. But not one of power, if it even existed. Now my world is flip-flopped. Everything has its meaning from God and that is all I want to see. God made this universe and us and He made it Himself. I don’t believe it because it seems cathartic (someone else’s assumption about my beliefs, mind you). I believe it because it has become the only possible explanation that has made sense.

I wanted to argue with God initially. I wanted to pray to God to get an A on a spelling test in the first grade and then not care when I did get an A. God was a tool, if He amounted to anything at all. After a while I just thought about God as something that people talked about, but was just some ghost or something that did nothing. I was wrong, and I realized that when I noticed whatever creative potential there was in the universe, I had. Even LEGOs and K’nex, though just toys, were something that I was able to create something amazing with. That idea got me thinking.

Eventually God stopped being a myth in my mind and a real living thing that was the reason for everything. But I was frustrated by His existence, as it seemed to get in my way. I didn’t like going to church until a couple of years ago. I’m twenty now. I’ve had plenty time to live and develop as a person and I like to think that I’ve moved in the right direction.

It wasn’t until recently that I stumbled across a train of thought that I hadn’t touched in a long time. I was so upset with how shortchanged I felt, that I began to wonder if for some reason I just wasn’t making sense. This God that I speak of made this universe and me. Every single thing is unique. I am something more than handcrafted.

With everything that I hate about myself, this is the way God chose me to be. I may have been born with something that could kill me in the future, but I am this way for a reason. If I try to complain about how shortchanged I am, I’m God’s masterpiece telling Him He could have done better. I’m telling God “You should have made me something else. I don’t like this. I should have been different than this.” It would be arguing vainly at God. It often came to such a strong degree that I rejected Biblical teachings just to match what I had in mind for how things ought to be. I ignored the normative nature of God’s creation in substitution for my own idea. In shortest words, I saw myself as being more than God- that I knew better. I was throwing away my second greatest gift from Him: who I was.
Coming to Terms

It’s not easy. I still complain. I still am uncomfortable with myself. It’s only a recent realization that I still struggle with fully realizing. It’s a work and progress and maybe it will always be. Trying to understand something so complex will take time. I just know that, God made me this way and put me here for a reason. I don’t know what it is yet, or if I’ve already done it or not, but I have a reason to exist, the way I am. I was dysphoric about who I was. I’m not that way anymore, but I still think about it. I wonder what it would be like, to be a dragon, or to be futuristic soldier fighting for good.

But I’m not. I’m not for a reason. If God holds His promises, even in the slightest degree, then I know that whatever I desired will be surpassed and I will be surprised by what God has in store. Until then, I only wish to be the best I can be, as God meant me to.

This has been an abundantly personal exploration, one that I will revisit and add on to later, about the philosophical implications. I’ve only touched once about the relationship between Man and God. Soon, I hope I can bring more Scripture into this instead of speaking about the direct normative interaction.

"A church that endorses or ignores sin is just as effective as a church that stands in ruin."

I'm finding it harder to define a line between WBC and churches that don't care about their attendees: neither save anyone nor do the work of God.

Christians are supposed to be close knit, supportive, and caring. That all dies away when we ignore sin. We can't be good functioning members of society if we ignore the words of our God. What then, is the point of a church with no backbone?

It's almost as if some of our churches have no heart.

Guess where it's at? Not here.

You can find it. It's not hard.

Like, for srs, not hard.

Anyway, I hope all has been well with you folks.

EDIT: These suppositions do not even explain the existence of the universe, so don't even believe that for a minute.

Sadly. I preferred an unexplainable explosion as being the explanation for reality. (#logic) Now there's no sufficient answer yet.

The next suggestion is the Cyclical Model which has been bouncing around for quite a while. Basically, matter did not explode into existence, but instead explode into its formation because of this:

Matter explodes.
Contracts.
Explodes.
Contracts.

Basically, matter explodes apart, then gravity pulls it back together, then it explodes apart due to the amount of energy at one point. A repeating Kugelblitz. My favorite kind. :3

But that's not all.

A lot of the theories nowadays suggest that matter is a universal constant, which is a claim that evidence is against. Matter and anti-matter are destroyed when they come into contact with each other. It turns matter into a raw form: energy. That is why anti-matter is thought to be the fuel for the future spaceships, since a teaspoon of it can erase a city off the map. (Also, antimatter can be found in the Earth's ionosphere.)

In addition to this 'destruction' of matter, there are particles that pop into existence literally out of nowhere (assumed to be a property of Quantum Foam). These particles are called "virtual particles" and no one really knows where they came from.

Some inconsistencies:
-If the universe is filled with constant matter, then virtual particles are ignored. The universe is either growing or shrinking, but it's not remaining constant.
-If virtual particles exist then it could be assumed, in the exact same manner as the Big Bang was assumed, that there was a point in which the universe was empty. It could also be assumed that the universe would 'fill up' with virtual particles over time as well. Thus there is no 'constant' universe.

My theory:

(Guess #1)
All matter and anti-matter is energy. When they come into contact, it is released as light.

So let's assume (like all other hypotheses/theories regarding creation do) that black holes take light energy and compact it back into a particle form instead of just light. And assume the universe eventually combines black holes until matter recondenses into a kugelblitz and the universe explodes into existence again.

Rinse, repeat.

(Guess #2)
Same process as above, but light escapes the gravitation pull and goes off into the nothing for all eternity, while virtual particles make up for the energy loss, creating a slight decline or incline for the quantity of matter in the universe.

--

Regardless, this speculation does not benefit anyone. These theories do not help people. All the possible benefits could be done without doing this kind of research.

It is not a big deal.

Yeah. I'm staying. In the fandom, along with on this site, along with CF.

But my presence is minimal.

I'll be using DeviantArt more than Fur Affinity for obvious reasons.

Also, I'm still fighting depression but I'm on the winning side. I'm still solo'ing it, however, and that is still frustrating.

I refuse to take pride in being a furry. It is an interest for me, not a hobby. It does not define who I am. In reality, I'm a human male and I refuse to deny that identity. It is who I am. I'm not an arctic fox, or a coyote, or a bobcat. My identity is a gift, not a toy.

I've had to come to terms with myself in the last couple of days and it's an uphill climb.

(There will be a personal update at the bottom of this.)

(#1) Hey guys:

While I'm fighting depression, FA has become a place I cannot stay or appreciate. However, I have friends here who are active here, and not on DA. In other words, I can't leave FA and stay connected with a few friends.

If I leave FA, I will no longer post journals here nor act as a member of a community. I may upload, respond to comments, but my presence will be vacuous.

Should I stay or leave? Do you care? Will some of you be happy that I'm gone? Are there reasons for me to stay?

---

(#2) Story idea:

Several times before, I've had stories where each entry or chapter was a journal entry of a character. I want to know if that would be interesting for you ladies and gents?

Also, I don't think I'll be able to continue The Great Divergence while I'm in this state. Maybe once I get out of it. You don't want me to write that while depressed, trust me.

---

(#3) Personal update:

Life sucks. And I'm saying that as a struggling and disgruntled Christian who feels terribly alone. Normally, I say life is great and that there are plenty of opportunities to be a loving person and can grow and grow others around me.

I have a feeling things are getting worse around me. A lot of my friends have mysteriously disappeared and ceased talking and existing (even so far as to say that they are almost not even 2nd Order), and I'm doing the thing I get tired of doing: swapping communities again.

I used to do this like crazy. I went through ChristianPunks -> Xanga -> Myspace -> Pendragon forums -> Antilia forums -> Christian Furs -> Facebook -> TBFG (which died out, though everyone still knows everyone), -> Skype circles -> then back to Christian Furs again (where most everyone seems to have left). It was something that I did as a measure of mental sanity. People would come into my life, typically treat me like crap, then leave. Ultimately, I'd end up with no friends (or I was too depressed to think I had friends, or they were no longer willing to talk), so I'd move on. (This behaviour did not persist with CF, which is why I'm returning there.)

So I'm sitting here in this chair, both happy and upset that I'm not talking to people. Happy because the person who's making me feel worse is not talking, and upset because the people I used to call good friends have essentially poofed.

So if you're one of those people who say they know me, but only just check for the occasional update to make sure I'm still living; I don't enjoy you. You make me depressed. And no, I'm not okay. And at this point, don't say you know me. You know of me. Friends don't watch friends suffer.

Whatever friendship you think we have, at this point, does not exist. All you're doing now is hurting me. For those people, I think I'm done talking.

If you haven't noticed, whoever else may be reading, I'm also thoroughly upset and bothered. I'm jaded and I know it. I know I'm failing the friends I do have. I know, at this point, depression is winning.

I want to be alone, with the few close friends I have, who... I don't even know who I want to call that right now.

I don't know what to do.

My judgment is clouded.

Lastly, for the friends who once knew me, but don't anymore, our separation grieves me.

(Update is after the lyrics links.)
Metal, of course. But I've been putting them up on my deviantart.

I'm not done with them.

The theme of the album is it's title, "Struggle." Thus, it deals with extremely heavy, extremely personal, and extremely dark themes. It does not shy away from the things people struggle with.

Here's what I have so far:

1: Creation
2: Savior with a Price Tag (Christ Capitalism)
3: Fight
4: Separation
5: Lament
6: Hatred
7: Silence
8: Numb
9: Self-destruction
10: War


As for the personal update, I have to say I might be gone from FA indefinitely. I feel no desire, urge, or want to socialize as much nor do I even want to see FA anymore. My heart is so crushed that I cannot stand to visit this site anymore, nor can I stand to look at my friends. So, I've been trying to get as much of my 'essence,' personal thoughts, struggles, and worries out in the lyrics.

Aside from that, I just feel awful all-around. Do not be surprised if I just disappear off the face of the internet.


This is not caused by my movement into the CCH, or anything like that. It's coming from my inability to simply cope with the things presented to me.

I had a long talk with one of my friends who I hadn't talked to deeply in years. We discussed things like my surgery, my personal fights and experiences, and apparently she thinks I'm pretty strong for it. In all honesty, I don't know if I'm able to come up to face myself anymore.

I imagine that only a few will read this. Maybe a small handful. I'm leaving a grace period of a few days, maybe a week or two, to last contact me on FA. Use notes if you wish to keep things private.

Aside from that, I think I'm going to be gone.

I love you all, even if it means nothing to you.

On everything at the moment.

Currently my laptop is defunct so I don't have a way to write. I'm really upset because I don't have a way to write the next The Great Divergence bit until I can buy a new HDD.

Anyway, I'm probably going to be inactive more.

I gotta recuperate, take some time and think. Relax.

I'm going to see if I can let some things go.

Love you guys. I hope your year has been starting off well.

Well, this is interesting: there's a new TV show going onto TLC called "My Husband's Not Gay" which is about Mormon husbands with same-sex attraction who are still married to women.

If this doesn't cause social stirring I have no idea what will.

Watch this:
http://www.tlc.com/tv-shows/my-husb.....ds-not-gay.htm

(Also I was forced to watch a Spongebob ad that might be offensive to fish.)

So this is interesting.

I'm not gonna say anything about the religious aspect, because religion doesn't always fit into this topic like the individual religions' beliefs should.¹ I did meet a gay person who decided to be in his relationship with his best friend once, who happened to be a woman.

So this brings up the topic of sexuality. I've noticed a trend, at least from the people that I've met, that if you're anything except hetero you're condemned to live that way, like there's no other option. And I've also met a lot of people who treat straights like they're bi or gay and need to be provoked into the deviant sexualities.

I've always advocated for the stance that people are greater than their individual parts and sexuality is just a piece. I get tired of people treating people like crap because of their sexuality, be it straight, gay, bi, or any of the deviants.

I'm still all for homosociality and heterosexuality. Just my stance, tho.

---

1: Being Christian and practicing homosexuality, for example, says a lot about how one views Christ's teachings. Just FYI.

Favorite Album: ''Anomaly'' by Lecrae
Favorite Movie: Tough one to pick, that's for sure. "Earth to Echo" was pretty great. So was "Fury."
EDIT (01/01/2015:1528 CST): When the Game Stands Tall. <- That one. That movie. It's a good one. Go watch it.

A lot of good changes here this year.
A few really bad ones, but oh well, I'll live.

I finally beat The Last Remnant.

I know this is short, but this last semester of college basically wiped my memory of the last year.

XP

Anyway, I hope the new year goes well for you all! God bless!

I had money saved for Christmas so I could get a computer upgrade. Took me ages, but I finally did it.

After two days of the MOST STRESSFUL troubleshooting I've ever done.

So before I get into that, I'll describe the parts I had, then moved into:

Old parts I left behind:
Some ASUS Intel board that I didn't care much for. CM5671 I think.
4GH 1333hz RAM
ATI/AMD Radeon HD 5770
Intel Pentium E5500 (2.8 GHz dual-core)

Intermediate parts bought and returned:
ASRock 970 Extreme3 R2.0 (assumed to be faulty, was likely not)
AMD FX-8350 (Bought and was the faulty component; was superannuated)

New Rig:
GIGABYTE 990-FXA UD3 R4.0 (New)
AMD FX-8370 (4.0GHz 8-core unlocked, still locked by default, no need to overclock) (New)
8GB (2x4GB) 1600MHz Corsair Ballistix (New)
ATI/AMD Radeon R9 270x 4GB VRAM ed
1 TB HDD
1 500 GB HDD (New)
1 DVD
1 BD
520W Insignia PSU

Expenses: $350

I know it's a day late, but Merry Christmas!

I didn't have any serious technology with me, so I couldn't get on here. So don't think I didn't mean to wish you guys Merry Christmas!

Love you all and hope your holiday season has been going well.

*mind-boggling confetti blast and fanfare*

Now be prepared for constant family interruptions and other various bits of nonsense! Like unpacking!

I'm excited to be home. I'm less stressed out now, feeling a lot better now that I can rest my head, relax, chill with family, etc.

Also, CHRISTMAS!

And. dear friends? I look forward to spending more time with you.

So I was digging around in "My Documents" on my computer and stumbled across one of my older poems. 1,476 words set in quatrains, laying out all my ideas and thoughts that I struggled with at the time. I write poetry when I experience strong emotions; it helps me get them out and cope.

In the last three years I came to terms with many things. I used to cover up the things that happened to me when I was younger. I'd just bury them in the back of my mind and hope nothing would bring them up. This was my way with finally dealing with them.

At least that's what I'm now contemplating.

I don't know if it's even possible to truly and fully cope with the deaths of many loved ones, or watching someone die, or being molested by a family member. I can move on, but the thoughts seem to haunt the back of my mind. I can forgive, but I can't seem to forget.

I can forgive if someone harms me. That's not an issue; I'll need time. But if someone harms someone I love, I can't seem to get past that. I have such a distrust of other people, I've begun to wonder if it's even in me to change. Is this something I bring about myself with God's help or is it all Him?

Are there times, like right now where there's no one to talk to, that I just feel alone but I'm really not?

I know people go through hard times, I know other people have it worse, and I know that for some, it doesn't ever get better. I just find it hard to mix the previous statement with hope.

This entire semester has been a huge wreck. Only one thing went right out of literal thousands going wrong.

So, I'm not depressed: I'm jaded and lost. I know that persevering is the way to go, and I know that this is all worth it... But continuing is hard...

Three save attempts, roughly 220 hours of gameplay... (Steam reset play-hours while I was long into the game. Only 150 shows.) The game I picked up in the Squeenix publisher bundle for about a dollar turned out to be one of my favorite games.

Negatives:
Hard and initially confusing battle system. (There's a piece of the UI I still don't understand, even after 200 something hours.)
Unreal Engine. <_< It has issues, guys. I don't like Unreal. But this is bad at times.
Difficulty walls that may take HOURS to get over. Oh look a boss! And four hours later, still fighting it. (Hint!: Rework your formations and strategy.)
No good tutorial to explain the advanced tactical strategy features.
Quests can be locked by main-quest progression, and this hinders the player.

Positives:
Hours of gameplay. >_> It's a JRPG, so it's a grindfest, and worth it. Newer learned attacks are always cooler.
Great story. Want emotions? Play it.
Really unusual fantasy world. It's creative and interesting.
Effects graphics and levels. The PRETTIEST special effects in any game and some of the largest maps I've seen. You may not be able to walk all over all of it, but it's still pretty.
Can be immersive. Despite its limitations, the environments, voice actors, and soundtrack really work well together.
The BEST OST of any game, in my glorious unashamed opinion.
Amazing ending. It's been hours since I finished it, and I'm still mind-blown and touched.
The game is not afraid to make the player have emotions. Several times, I cried because, well, plot.

A neutral thing:
The side-quests are often really good. But sometimes they can suck, terribly. This game has the best and worst side-quests in my opinion.
Also has the best and worst aesthetic and utility for level design as well.

I KNOW I'm a niche gamer who doesn't mind grinding for HOURS if it's fruitful. That said, in my highly subjective opinion, I give the game a solid 4.1/5.

No matter what I did, nothing worked.

Cue long-standing depressed phase.