I'm trying to let as many people as possible know what's happened.

This is KPFoxPaw, former mate of Sandulf. I regret to inform everyone that at 6:07AM today, May 23, Sandulf, William Keith Baker, passed away from a ruptured aorta.

There will be viewing services on Saturday from 5-8 at the Madison Chapel Funeral Home. He was a wonderful human and a wonderful mate and may he rest in peace. If anyone has anymore questions, please send me a shout, a note, or a comment.

Lucy is holding on but there giving her a matter of days, the time we have had with her the last two weeks has been hard but a blessing all the same. it's rare to truly know your losing a big part of your life, and be given the time to say good bye and let them know how much they changed you at your core to make you a better person. i have spent time this week rebuilding Bridges with my family, like most, i have my own drama with my sisters and my brothers i love them greatly but i tend to space myself from them, it's never any one thing. it's work or not seeing eye to eye on things in my life with them. it's seems most my life i have felt set aside from them, in some ways i am. but i have started seeing how much i wall myself up. i set with Lucy last night and she asked me to make sure the family stays together, she's worried that we'll fall apart after she's past. i took a long hard look at that today. then took my other sister aside and told her we needed to talk. it's not going to be easy but we are both trying to reopen closed doors, rebuild the ties that bind us as blood and family. it's as my grandfather once said, you cant enjoy the water if you don't dig the well. so this is my standing,

it's said, god never shuts one door without opening another. so i will work at helping make sure that the ties with my sister is the one we are both work to reopen.

Lucy was put back into the hospital yesterday here in Huntsville, there unsure if she's going to make it, there's fluid build up around her heart and clots in both lungs, it took most the day yesterday but they got her on a pain drip so she's not hurting as much and resting some. Matt got into town the night before she when back in so he has been helping me get back and forth there, he's been a great blessing in all this. mace has been checking up as much as he can and i know if i need him he'll be right there. I'll be a bit out of touch though all this but if anyone needs me just hit my cell or text me. I'll get back to you as i can.

i have been kinda out of touch and lost in my own head space, it's way late but thank you to all who sent birthday wishes. it was a mild-stone. spent it kinda low key and just had a nice day. i have had my hands full with life and work and so much going on, I'll say this, life is never dull with me . 40 is not what i thought it would be, i don't really feel any older, if anything i keep saying i need to slow down but never seem to. I'm a little wiser and there are some sighs of wear and tear but i have grown to like myself for who i am and not what other would make me. i speak my mind and i let my heart lead me, I'm a good soul and i am better for seeing that. i am as wild at heart as i have ever been but not as fast to let it get me into trouble. Lucy has been holding on but she's wearing down. i know she's had a rough road and her being sick has been hard but she and i have grown closer for it all and i take the blessing of it from that. none of us know who long we have on this earth, fewer still know how much they are truly loved and needed. most cant see past there own flaws and god knows i have more than my share. but if anything i know that i am loved, maybe by few maybe by many but the one thing that stands out is the fact that i know it
for ever how long i have on this earth and to whom i have touched and been touched by. Blessed Be The Tie That Binds, my peace find us all in our heart no matter what the strife and burdens we must endure to find it.

Zac Brown Band - "Let It Go " :)

And when a pony he comes riding by you better set your sweet ass on it

Blue and black,
Heart torn out.
You uncover what's beneath my skin.
There and back.
There's no doubt your touch is my medicine.
I'll be ok, cause you heal me.
and I give you all my pieces broken.
in your hands there is nothing that you can't fix.
my heart is frayed, my scars are open.
so put me back together now stitch by stitch.
put me back together now stitch by stitch.
what you say, without words
resuscitates what was numb inside.
https://www.musicloversgroup.com
so repair me every thread of me.
cause you're bringing me back to life.
i'll be ok cause you heal me.
and I give you all my pieces broken.
in your hands there's nothin' that you can't fix.
my heart is frayed, my scars are open.
so put me back together now stitch by stitch.
i'm still afraid of fallin'
some how its takin' over me.
don't ever let me let it go.
there and back.
there's no doubt your touch makes me whole again.
and I give you all my pieces broken
in your hands there's nothing that you can't fix
my heart is frayed, my scars are open
put me back together now stitch by stitch
put me back together now stitch by stitch,
so put me back together now stitch by stitch

so kp's packed and on the road, it was sad but something we knew would happen, his staying here was never meant to be long, i know I'm not alone in saying he'll be missed but i say this knowing he's still going to be at cons and such so it's not like we'll never see him again. i hopes that his new life is happy and filled with friends and love :)

so we are all doing good, i have worked my ass off the last few days working with the store to keep ice, water and anything more the store could keep in stock to help the people out around here. coming home tonight was a little sad. the nights where we had no power where not so bad, the stars showed more clearly here in the backyard then i have ever seen them this far into the city. nights where there was nothing much more to do, sodders, myself and kp would just sit and talk and spend time around one another, we all live together but times like that comes few and far between, with us all working and kp's upcoming move. my thoughts go out to the people who lost love ones and there homes. it makes me feel so much more blessed to have a home and the people i care for around me. all in all besides the none stop work and my feeling like i am going to fall over. this was something I'll look back and and see more good than bad. i wish any one you who where hit by this my best and ask the ones who where not to keep thou's lost from in in your thought's . give one more hug and say one more i love you to the people who are around you. this should show us all we never know how long we have or what parts we are truly meant to play.

Oh dear.

You just woke up in bed next to me, and there's a conspicuous lack of clothing between the two of us.

What would you say to me, using only three (3) words?

happy birthday me :) 39 and still kicking

i have had many friends who have really helped me keep myself together, with Lucy being so sick and so much here going on. kp's birthday is this Tuesday then mine follows this Friday . this year came with many changes and many lessons , another years passes, another year to come. The Bridge You Build, The Bridge You Burn. I'm no wise man but i know that i have been truly blessed.

I'd like to take the time to thank all of you who have kept my sister in your thoughts and prayers, words can not say what your support has meant. in a time where i feel more alone than i do not. your words matter, they do count and they are not forgotten.

i want to share this with you all


A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that thousands of people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

Three minutes went by and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried up to meet his schedule.

A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping continued to walk.

A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried but the kid stopped to look at the violinist.

Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the top musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written,with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars.

Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston and the seats average $100.

This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station

was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty?

Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?

One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing?

it seems so easy to do, then when time's cut short you can not help but feel rushed and cheated. i set yesterday and talk with my sister Lucy. her cancer was marked as terminal just last month, just saying it still seems so unreal. she's been so much a part of my life, a friend, a truth bringer. she was a mother to me when my own had passed. she was the first person i came out to, being gay in a family where my father was raised in the k.k.k. meant my life no matter how shadowed and kept to myself i was, i was very alone. she always seem to see that and take more time with me. when i got sick, really sick from the treatments for the growth behind my eye and things got bad. i had said nothing to her or anyone in the family. she and my oldest sister had seen our older brother go though this when he was 5 and he had passed away from it . i knew starting into it i did not want them to suffer, i did not want them to set and have to watch me die too. at one point i had gone weeks without power for lack of money due to paying for all the meds i was on. she had dropped by out of the blue and knocking on the door i was sick laying down, cold, hungry and scared off my ass. she had just learned not 3 weeks before about me being sick, she came in saw me, saw the house and went to turn on a light, when she saw that i had no power and the meds all set out, it just kinda came together for her. i could tell looking up at her, she was more hurt then pissed but she said nothing, she got me up and dressed , saying we are going to get something to eat. then spent the rest of the day driving around and talking to local churches and she got my power turned back on and found help to pay for the meds. she showed no temper , she only told me, i love. you're not alone. latter not a month after when i got to the point i just could not eat, she came up, moved me in with her and spent the the next 8 months forcing me to eat and making me stay busy and not give up I'm not sure what to say or just how to say it, how do you stand by and watch the one person who's the reason your here, slip away. she has asked the family to take a full week next month and have us all go down to St. John's bay. i would not miss it for the world. but seeing her hurts in ways i can not put to word. i just know that for the time i have i want to make as many Memories as i can.
sorry to be so emo, there is just a lot going on in my head and in my heart.

Why’d you call me today with nothing new to say?
You pretend it’s just hello, but you know what it does to me to see your number on the phone.
Now tell me, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want from me?
Are you tryin’ to bring back the tears or just the memories?
You keep takin’ me back, takin’ me back where I’ve already been.
When we hang up it’s like I’m losing you again.
Can’t you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?

I get so tired of living like this.
I don’t have the time, neither do my friends,
To stay up at night, to pull me through,
And to find the things to keep my mind off of you.

So, now tell me, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want from me?
Did you call to say you’ve find someone and I’m a used- to- be.
You keep takin’ me back, takin’ me back where I’ve already been.
If you’ve moved on why does it feel like I’m losing you again?
Can’t you see? So what do you want? What do you want from me?

What do you want me to say?
That I’m content? That I’m on the fence? That I wish you would’ve stayed?
Oh baby what do you want, what do you want, what do you want from me?
To come here and make love tonight cause you’re feelin’ lonely.
You keep takin’ me back, takin’ me back where I’ve already been.
When we wake up and say goodbye it’s like I’m losing you again.
Can’t you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?
What do you want, what do you want from me?

ohhh fucken yay !!!!!!!!!!!

hope you have a great day and i cant wait to give you late birthday hugs :)

the longer i am around the more i see that what you give out always come back to you in the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAMYIKfIVSQ

so we have the house just about ready, the living room is all set and i have most of what i am cooking planed out. Anne and her bunch will be here Wednesday. tons of food and sweets will be here, if anyone wants to drop in and hang out just hit me up and let me know. i hope you all have a great day :)

things here are going well, other than out growing all of my old shirts and pants and the shirts my ex left, I'm having to buy new ones. it's funny, for as hard as i am working for this new body now that it's really started to show i find myself at a loss. on one side. there's me pushing to eat better and keep up with work and home, then the other side who clings to what i know. seeing change as something odd. like me looking down and seeing a belly not a beer gut mind you, just me holding wight on. that may not seem like much to most but for the few who know me, this is a very big deal. one i have fought for but now that i have it i feel out of place. i go to wear an old shirt, or a pair of my jeans and nothing fits, the shirts wont tuck in or i cant get my pants to zip. everyone keep telling me I'm looking great and how i just need to keep it up. that helps more than some may know. i feel like i have so few on my side and with so much going on with Lucy, it's just been hard to keep things on track. she is doing better recovering. she's not starting cemo for another few weeks and i am so glade, this will give us thanksgiving together without her worrying over getting sick from being around others or someone passing along a cold. other than that, work is running full force and with thanksgiving it will only pick up. i know i have not been online much and some what out of touch, just bear with me and after the 1st of the year I'll be free more to get out and do things. blessed be to you all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pojL_35QlSI&feature=player_embedded

she's home, things did not go as well as hoped. they found a lot more than was expected. it's been a tough last few days but we are all hoping that this will be the last time they have to go in for anything. she will be taking a few week to recover then back to cemo. i wanted to take a sec and thank all my friends who have really been there for me and kinda helped me stay together. dealing with this is not easy, seeing her just make me see myself when i was going though that. truth being told it scares the shit out of me. she's been so much stronger then i was when i had to deal with it. it's taken so long for me to get myself back to something close to what i was, i dont know how in hell i could go though it all again if i had too. but i have friends who love me and a sister who is fighting a war she seems to be winning , for now i feel blessed. thank you all

so things with me have been busy as hell, work and trying to fit a life in on my free time has had me running around, Lucy go's in for biopsy this Thursday, i wont lie i am very worried with this. this is the 3rd one to her liver and I'm hope that this will be the last. she has had some much to deal with. the chemotherapy was really hard on her the last go around so i can only hope that this will be short this has had me thinking of my own dealing with chemotherapy. i only had to deal with it once, but it was a living nightmare and one i said I'd never do again. i can only say that seeing her deal with this, not once, not twice but three times and she is still fighting it, that makes her so much stronger than me. she had been a big part of who i am now, her and my other sister Brenda where always there for me growing up, Lucy was the first person i cam out to in the family, she took the news mush better than i had ever thought. saying only that she wanted me to be happy with my life, not just living it to make other happy. i took so much from her as to what kinda person i wanted to be, after my mothers passing if was her and Brenda who really helped me move on with my life. i have had many blessing but having her there when i need it is one of the biggest things i could never put into proper words. she's more than a sister, she's been mother when i had lost mine, a best friends who's shoulder i have cried on many, many times. someone who's stern words have made me look past myself and see a bigger picture and still always felt loved, i can only hope that one day my own light shines as bright as hers . keep her in your thoughts and thank.

it's odd, yea i have been eating better getting into shape and trying to get myself back to a place where i'm more happy with me, I'm a long way off. each day i see so little and think damn, is this worth it. but i keep going and keep pushing. i get so pissed that i feel so damn small most the time, i don't see just how far i have come from the start of this summer, i was out back today and fyre came out. we talked some and he told me i was starting to really fill out and how my arms where looking great. that meant the world to me :) thank fyre.

I don't know why I love men
That love to do me wrong
Don't know why my life sounds like
A heartbroke country song
I ain't really happy
Unless the sky starts driving rain
Maybe I just get off on the pain

My whole life I been picking fights
There ain't no way to win
Got a hundred scars I should have run away
Now tattooed on my skin
There's a side of me that just won't stop
Dancin' in the flame
Maybe I just get off on the pain

Cause I love the long shot
And the left out lost causes
Hanging out in the back of the pack with the dark horses
I ride the wrong road just as fast as I can
God knows there's no one else to blame
Sometimes I think I get off on the pain

Wake up every morning, a thousand miles from home
Praying for forgiveness
For this aching in my bones
It would be so easy
To find a better way
Oh but I know I'll never change

Cause I love the long shot
And the left out lost causes
Hanging out in the back of the pack with the dark horses
I ride the wrong road just as fast as I can
God knows there's no one else to blame
Sometimes I think I get off on the pain

Cause I love the long shot
And the left out lost causes
Hanging out in the back of the pack with the dark horses
I ride the wrong road just as fast as I can
God knows there's no one else to blame
I know I'm the only one to blame
Sometimes I think I get off on the pain
Get off on the pain

I'm OK and I'd like to say i am sorry for being so out of touch, i have had a lot going on and more so i trying to deal with. one of the meds they have me on really messed me over. i had not been sleeping and when i did i would wake up crying and shaking and having night sweats. when something is wrong with me i tend to shut down and go into my own world. with this it just slowly got to be more than i could take so i just shut down. i just tend to wall myself up and not let anyone near me. i don't mean to, it's just how i am. I'm hoping once the new meds get started I'll stop feeling like shit and start acting like myself again.

Missed my alarm clock ringing
Woke up, telephone screaming
Boss man singing his same old song

Rolled in late about an hour
No cup of coffee, no shower
Walk of shame with two different shoes on

Now it is poor me, why me, oh me
Boring the same old worn out blah, blah story
There is no good explanation for it at all

Ain't no rhyme or reason
No complicated meaning
Ain't no need to over think it
Let go laughing

Life don't go quite like you planned it
We try so hard to understand it
Irrefutable, indisputable
The fact is psssh it happens

My trusty rusty had a flat
I borrowed my neighbor's Cadillac
I'll be right back
Going down to Wally World

That yellow light turned red too quickly
Knew that truck the moment it hit me
Out stepped my ex and his new girl
'Sorry 'bout your neck baby'

But it is poor me, why me, oh me
Boring the same old worn out blah, blah story
There is no good explanation for it at all

Ain't no rhyme or reason
No complicated meaning
Ain't no need to over think it
Let go laughing

Life don't go quite like you planned it
We try so hard to understand it
Irrefutable, indisputable
Fact is it happens

Ain't no rhyme or reason
No complicated meaning
Ain't no need to over think it
Let go laughing

Life don't go quite like you planned it
We try so hard to understand it
Irrefutable, indisputable
Fact is

Yeah, the irrefutable, indisputable
Absoluteable, totally beautiful
Fact is psssh it happens