some things can seem so small to one person and yet to another it is mountain, I've seen this from both sides. and most my life has been about making the mountains in front of me move. today was one of the bigger one's. i am of today a none smoker. my first full day without needing or wanting one at all, it's still going to be a long road but for now I'll take the feeling i have for knowing i got this far, week 5 of 12. here to having faith i will see this though.

Annie is down for this week and i hate that i have to work we are getting time together as we can :)

got this coming weekend off, no real big plans but i have a few things here and there to get done. i am starting to get ready for f w a and from what i have been told, annie and pat and a ton of others will all be there. i know that me, kp mace and fyre and sodders are all going . mark and i are going to try and hang out. that's one of my bigger plans. val is going to be there and i'm not sure if he will or will not be dj'ing, well see, with any luck we'll have time for lunch together. so much to do and get done. but I'm hanging in and i am sure plum and night and more than a few other are going to make sure this f w a is going to be a blast.

it seems all my plans for f w a are set and I've got the days off. I'm sure this will be a great con and it'll be nice touching base with old friends and really be able to hang out and just chill. not much more planed, there are one or two people that will be there that i really want to see. pulse it'll be nice just getting out some. i am rooming with nite and his wife plum, that should be fun being as we get along like family. :)

welp that's about it, just a short post. catch you all soon.

it had been pointed out to me tonight that chris's grandfather had passed a few days back, tho he and i are no longer talking or having anything to do with one another i wanted to say this, his grandfather was a warm and welcoming man, i never once went over there that i felt like i was unwanted, the thanksgiving he and don and chris spent here was the first in the new place and it made it feel all that much greater having him along with us. our thoughts go out to chris and don. the loss of a loved one is never easy. so I'll end this with saying that for all he was in his life, a husband, a father and countless more, may he rest in peace.

"just sleeping"

now the laborer's task is over, now the battle day has passed
now upon the fathers shore lands the voyager at last.

there the tears of earth are dried
there the hidden things made clear
there the deeds of man are tried by a greater judge than here

earth to earth and dust to dust
calmly now the words we say
,left behind we wait in trust for the resurrection day.

father in your gracious keeping
leave him now, thy servant sleeping.

not much really going on. just recovering more day by day. taking my time and not pushing myself with to much, even at work. the good news is i'm not only getting there but moving past it and getting better, I've all but stopped smoking thanks in big parts to my meds. along with the fact that i am eating much better and cutting back on soda and caffeine. I'm sleeping a lot more but as i gain my strength i am seeing this is where i want it to go, not just a recovery but a better me all together. i have been blessed to have a few good friends stand by me and help me along. thank you all for that. seeing as not much more is up to talk about I'll cut this short and say hood night all

first off, i have been slowly coming coming back to myself. the meds now are just another part of my day, nothing more nothing less. b/p is good. 120's and my heart is ticking away strong. I've been a bit weak but rest and making sure there is as little stress in my life as i can has helped. I'm facing things clearly now. i see what is needed to get myself and my life right. change is eternal, heaven, hell, and earth move on it is ours to follow or fall behind. it's never been a part of me to hate or stay mad. hatred kills the soul. { to chris } for all that we where and all that i tried to share with you and give to you. for all the good and bad i got back thank you, life ain't always beautiful, tears are meant to fall. life may knock me down, but i have always got back up, in a big part and even bigger thanks to my friends. i want my last words to you or about you to be this. i loved you, when i said i do i meant that i will. you'll understand that. but now i come to see i have to love myself too and i am doing that as i learn to live with me :) i am thankful for so much, my family, tho not all of them feel them same, i have come to terms that blood is not always thicker than water . for my friends, you where the wings that picked me up when my own failed me. most of all is that i am here and i for once in my life feel some peace, of heart and mind. I'm putting myself first and tho it feels odd its what i need for now. i have taken the next few days off from work, for all that has come to pass and more so for all i need to clean out in my mind I'm just dropping off reader, if you have y cell and you need me thin hit me up. guess that's all for now. blessed be.

b/p is down to 126 over mid 70's and my head has not hurt in day, still a bit weak and sore all over but really starting to feel like my old self, few more months and i'll be better than i have been in years. I'm still stopping smoking , it's comeing along, kinda helps to have nerve pills.

well Friday was my first day back to work. i did OK i was a bit weak and had to take more breaks but i made it though, it was nice have my coworkers all let me know how much they had worried and how they kept me in there thoughts tho after speaking to my boss i found out not only chirs but but brother along with him had gone to work talking about me, keep in mine this all happened when i was still in the hospital and right before the fight with the two seems they had more planed out then they let out.. tho in truth it did little good but have my boss ask what the hell was wrong with them and what kinda family did i have, i did tell her my sisters where nothing like that and let her know just why what was being had been said. i will say this. chris i pity, if that's how you stand by someone you say you love than you'll never know real love. well that being said and vented, i do hope one day you'll open your eyes and see the shame you have put upon yourself. i am taking each day to put you and all this behind me. i am pushing myself to get better and not fall back. i have been luck to have friends and coworkers who not only care but treat me like family. thank you all.

i want to thank everyone who's called, dropped by or sent well wishes. the last week was one of the hardest i have faced in all my life. thinking you are going to die is something that can not be put into words. it was the love of my friends and my sisters that helped push me though, i would have liked to have said the same for chris but he had little time for me there and more time for his gym . it's sad that it takes this much to see someone i care for is nothing what he says he is. to know that n the hospital he stood over me yelling along with my brother with me laying and not able to get up, i makes me see just how much of a man he will never be, i have put him out of my like, he'll never be back and if in some freak twist he where to trust would never be given, i would like to see him one day stand up to say he's sorry. but that day will never come and if it where would there be any way it would not be to late. the last post was taken down from him calling my little brother and starting even more stuff with him and my family, and yet I'm still hearing from them and being told they love me, so that did little good other than drive my younger brother and myself apart. that in it's self is something i could care less for, anyone knowing me knows i have had little to nothing to do with him for years. night and plum have done more for me in the last few days than i can ever thank them for, she came up showed me how to take my meds and how to do so with out hurting myself. they stood by me as chris was calling them trying to spread more of his lies. but even she said with how he is. I'd like to point out one thing, he saying that i have run around saying i had cancer behind my eye, i have never said cancer. it was a growth had it not need, the eye would have been taken out all together, even plum has said she's heard me tell this it is also i have to have follow up to see what that growth is doing and if there is anything going on. he can get it out of his head that i lied, in fact his father was told many time any time he used the c word,, chirs has taken this up as being the only reason he has to have done what he did and how it see's himself in the right for it..... many of you have seen this before . he can not take blame for something he's done, he's blamed the fandom many times for then, left it only to come right back. i only hope one day he gets out of his father brain washing, stops letting him suger daddy him and gets on his own feet. but that's all past me. i have my own life to walk on with and i am doing just that. take care all. be safe be happy and be loved.

this lj has been taken down because the truth really hurts :)

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores...and

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

the winter winds are blowing in and the nights are getting much cooler here, the last few weeks have been nothing more than a fast blur with all that's going on. i have been staying very busy with work as well as with a few things here and there around the house. as many of you have seen i have stepped back from the fandom a good bit. i am not leaving it, i just have things in my life right now that come first, a few know that i am starting to work more on my wight gaining so that i not only feel better but i can start looking better. i have put on almost 20 pounds in two months. i am starting to feel it and i can say the hard work is paying off, along with working out more and keeping the wight in check i am not so worn out all the time. and if i must say so, i am starting to look good :) i have had some very good friends to help me along and they make it a point to show me how much i am cared for and loved, for that i am very blessed so i will end this with a short saying, this is not the end nor is it the beginning of the end. it is only the end of the beginning
.

well this is the last night mace will be home for a bit, he'll be heading back to trucking school, i would have liked to got some time with him but we have both been so busy with our own stuff going on. i hate it, he's not gone yet and i miss the shit out of him. well i know that this is what he wants and this is something he is doing to have a job and get better pay, i do know he'll do his best with it and i hope he knows i'm thinking of him

not to much going on, just working and getting things set for mfm, god i need this break. it should be fun. i will have a few good friends to hang with, some i have not seen in a long time and a few new ones. the new place is coming along. other than playing some wow and e q that's about it for now.. hope you are all doing well ..

not much going on, but i wanted to send a happy birthday out to Friar Don, shunes dad. :) hope his day has been a good one.

i have had more than a few ask about plans for mfm, i really had not thought much until last night, it seems that i will be going, night and his mate plum where sweet and asked me to room with them, so this should be fun in any case. not sure about if mace will be along or not. but i'll try to get him there. weeeee

hello all, my first post, i want to start with a big big thank you to my true friends, i love you all. to my mate, mace black wolf. this is going to be a long road and much to learn along the way. it's come at some very big losses but i have let myself stop fearing who i am, i have opened my eyes to who it is i was meant to be. so this is me
"howls out" lets hope that along the way i am blessed to know my true worth