I have been consumed with the idea of actually wearing something to Anthrocon to christen my upcoming re-fursonification, and I've found the process of searching for it to be anything but easy. Most ear manufacturers don't make anything that looks big! I've only found two individuals who make ears I consider acceptable, and one is out of contact and the other isn't taking any new custom orders for a while.

I'm looking for something like this:

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8705383/

https://kittensplaypen.net/made-to-.....-fox-ears.html

Then again, knowing AC, I could probably just try and find someone to make them for me at the con itself. Still. Anyone know a good ear-maker that can make big ears? :3

I laughed. I loved. I cried.

I thought Midwest Furfest was going to be like Anthrocon, but slightly smaller. It was. What I didn't expect was for it to push all of my emotional buttons in precisely the ways Anthrocon didn't push them.

I saw a fursuit that looked so real and so lifelike that I had to double take. I saw Jeremy Fitzgerald from FNAF2 alongside Naked Snake. I saw fennecs, and skunks, and snowleopards, and wolves, and foxes, and dragons. (I even learned what the heck Telephone is.)

I met an artist that drew me into the fandom, and more artists that had kept me in it. I started questioning whether "Furry" was actually "just a thing", whether we really were making a difference in the world, making it nicer.

I decided for real, officially, that I was making a new fursona, that Sandy was just a character, that I was finally ready to come a little further out of the cave of anonymity and embrace it, and when I did, I gave my friends money only to find out that they had turned around and spent it on me, that I was to receive a conbadge of my new self, that I was to receive artwork of my new self and my mate cuddling.

I saw men and women that made me question my preconceived notions of gender, and question my own sexuality, and how it's expressed through our bodies, all by something as simple as wearing something different here in this realm where everything is accepted.

I saw people from outside the fandom cry at our generosity...

With all the terrible things going on in the world today, with all the stress in my own life and the hatred for my own family, I shed it all for four days. I forgot about it and was at peace. I was happy and relaxed, truly happy and truly relaxed, almost every waking moment.

Anthrocon was a wonderful experience, an amazing trip, an experience of lingering adrenaline and constant entertainment, but it was... impersonal, to an extent. Or rather, MFF was personal in a way that Anthrocon was not. I will never forget this trip. Thank you to everyone who made it possible.

I think I will truly change my fursona now. Sandy's account will stay, but she is just a character. She's not me, just like how Keyah is not me. Some people can't see me as anything other than a fennec. Others can't see me as anything other than a wolf, or a gray fox. I can work with that. I don't know what I'm going to do about managing two accounts, but I'm sure I'll figure out how to do it... it's worth it. MFF inspired me to be me.

I need to get back to writing in a big way. I'm actually doing it now and again, it's just difficult for me to produce content I'm comfortable about putting up here. I guess I need to write more traditionally furry stories. I'm thinking something about Celeste.

Anyhow, it's not like I have much to say in journals. It's more just a "yes, I'm still a writer". I'm one of those terrible, contradictory critters: A writer who doesn't write.

I don't plan on taking commissions again for a long while considering how disastrously the last round went. I might start taking ideas and suggestions, though. I don't know if I'm going to out and out write somebody's ideas for them, but I need to get my head back in the creative gamespace, or something. Hear more ideas from other brains. Let me know if you guys have any clues or ideas, especially stuff that seems like it would slot in with the stuff I'm interested in writing.

I'm a very private person, so I've been debating for months whether to actually say whether or not I'm attending AC. I have a number of watchers - more than I deserve, being a writer who has extreme difficulty writing anything worth putting up - so I feel a certain degree of safety in knowing that this will reach very few people, which has emboldened me to say... yes, I'm attending Anthrocon. I have no decorative conbadge, but my username is on my nametag rather than my real name.

I'll be out and about tomorrow, seeing the sights and attending the panels. I hesitate to ask people to try and spot me, because I tend to be very awkward when approached by strangers. Still, if you want to meet up with me and my mate, please, let me know and we'll see if we can link up for a chat. I would enjoy getting to know more furries face to face.

Great. Just great.

About eleven hours ago, I went to sleep feeling vaguely depressed and uneasy, and drained. Eight or nine hours ago I woke up with the most powerful, splitting migraine I've ever had in my entire life. On the scale of "someone is using a thermal drill to attempt to destroy your brain stem" level. Constant, stabbing, and impossible to ignore. I managed to get someone else to bring me a tylenol only to immediately upchuck it and what little else was in my stomach.

Surprisingly, then the migraine started to fade - but it was replaced by a fever. I needed two blankets just to stay warm, and I was shivering violently even underneath them. Somehow I got to sleep, and now here I am. I feel better - my head still hurts but not to the same extent, and I still feel cold and nauseous, but less so. My housemates suspect food poisoning, and I do too. I've got no idea what caused it. Maybe the McDonalds, but I ate a lot of different things twelve hours before I slept.

This week needs to go die. At the very least I'm making journals more, huh? :/

Maybe when I next get a chance I'll sit down and talk more about my mental fatigue issues... I talked a lot about what was bothering me in the last post, but I didn't talk about the intrinsic problems I have with feeling drained on a /regular/ week. Maybe it's an ADD thing. I don't know. Anyway.

Don't worry too much. I'll see a doctor if it gets too serious.

I wonder if anyone else is really hit by these bouts of mental and emotional fatigue like I am. It's very difficult for some of the other people in my life to comprehend how difficult it is for me. I could have done precisely nothing for a week straight - accomplished nothing and really done nothing major I can point to - and still feel like my brain is on vacation.

Right now I'm reeling from five or six emotional gutpunches in a string. The story is long and complicated and full of too much petty - for lack of a better word - bullshit to really recount, although I'll be writing my private thoughts down later to air out some of the emotion. Suffice it to say I am fed up with other people's hypocrisy, my own hypocrisy, my failures at talking and other people's astounding and continual failure to listen.

I'll just give you a random, isolated example: Somebody, this morning, asked me a question. This question was about a video game. They asked me why I was constantly telling them that they should not ever play this video game alone, when it's so hard to find other people to play with. I was absolutely stunned. Every single time I had ever mentioned that the game in question was intended to be co-op, I had gone on to say "but playing it by yourself is a good way to practice." I mentioned over and over again that I played it by myself and I encouraged other people to play it by themselves to get better at it. What I had really been saying to this person was that they shouldn't expect to play the entire game alone and find it easy - because it's a co-op game. But they had thought I had said that they should never play alone.

By the way, the statements in question here stretch back an entire year. One. Entire. Year. For one year this person believed I had stated something I hadn't stated, and had gone out of my way to say I wasn't stating. One year. I went back through the logs and showed him all the times I had stated it. He had apparently not been paying attention to or remembering any of it.

Other examples: A significant other of mine got angry at me for no real reason because they had stayed up three days straight and were cranky, I wrestled with my own reasons for helping people, questioning my own altruism, only to then immediately find out thereafter that someone I had tried to help previously had in fact not been helped at all at precisely the worst time, I missed three roleplaying sessions because my ADD is flaring up, and I got so angry at my housemate's behavior over a twelve hour period - including being laughed at while I was providing technical support - I started screaming at one of them.

This has been a goddamned awful week. Just about the worst one I can remember in recent memory - actually, the worst once since I got out of my last, highly abusive, relationship. I'm sorry for being so vague, but... ugh.

Right now I am completely out of fucks to give. That's really the best way to put it. :(

Everything's resolved. Whole thing was a very big misunderstanding. I'll be keeping my living quarters for now, which is a welcome relief as it means rent costs for me will stay low. Now maybe I'll be able to focus on writing, and getting a job proper.

Welp. I'm finished school for right now, finally got my high school diploma after dropping out all those years ago. And not three days after I graduate, I get in a massive fight with the people I live with. Now I'm looking at potentially moving. I just can't catch a break, it seems.

I'm not sure I'll open for commissions again for a good long while. Every time I try or even consider it, or sit down to try to finish my existing ones, something comes up. :( Working for other people on an artistic endeavor is so very stressful, it kills me. The subconcious pressure of trying to work for someone else makes me freeze up and stare at a blank page in terror.

Gotta finish these three, get a job again, and get moving. I'll be okay, at least. I know that much. If there's anything these last few years have taught me, it's that I can survive anything.

Elmo, a cat in the care of a rescue society, has suffered a gunshot wound and a fellow fur is organizing donations to try to pay for surgery. Details can be found here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5611761/

Every little bit helps.

So. After a few months of depressive fits, sickness, general malaise, angst, and misery - I know, I know, I'm not here to rant - I have finally, FINALLY started to write again. I am starting with small bits of practice, which I'll be doing intermittently to shake off the rust, and after I've regained some confidence on the writing front, I'll be attempting to finish these commissions.

I just thought I'd post this update to let my commissioners know I haven't forgotten any of you. Once again, thank you all for your patience.

I read this today:

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5158888/

I honestly cannot believe that some people exist like this. To have narcissistic parents is one of the worst curses a child can have. Believer is having serious trouble getting a job or getting income - please help her if you can. Anything given to her is another step towards getting out of her situation.

http://www.furaffinity.net/full/12103912/

Thank you.

I have a friend I made a few months ago who is located in the Philippines, and the amount of misfortune they have had this year astounds and saddens me. Over and over, they've suffered floods and hurricanes, and now this. It's estimated that over 10,000 people might be dead.

Unicef's donation page, with amounts listed in USD, is here. Please consider donating even a small amount to give victims clean drinking water and accommodations. Thank you.

Another person I've heard of needs some assistance!  genniidrominda is in severe debt and is looking for commissions as supplementary income. If anyone would like to help them out, I would be extremely grateful.

 mageomega , a TF artist, is suffering from unemployment and is having trouble making rent. I've thrown a few dollars his way - if anybody wants to help him out, both he,  k-libra, and myself would all be extremely grateful. Thank you.

So. Guys. I haven't been very approachable as of late. I also haven't made much, if any, progress towards finishing these commissions, and the summer is nearly over.

I'm really sorry.

After the month-long hospital stay my grandmother had to endure, and the exhaustion of wishing to visit her every day, combined with a flare-up of one of my own medical conditions that requires me to go on pills that simultaneously kill my immune system, act like amphetamines and keep me up, and make me surprisingly irritable and vulnerable to snapping, my muse is well and truly trampled in the dirt. I'm trying to pry it back open and re-inflate it, but for right now, work is going to be fairly slow.

I'll get it done. I don't quit. I will refund anyone who wishes it, but as long as your money is in my hands, I'll get it done eventually. Thanks so much for trusting me, and thank you all for being good friends.

==COMMISSIONS ARE CLOSED FOR THE MOMENT==

I'm pleased to report (haha, not really) that I am officially unemployed this summer. As a result I find myself with an abundance of time, and as such I think I'm finally ready to take the leap and accept writing commissions.

I am charging a very modest 0.5 cents per word. Slots are limited.

Note that the word count is not an exact figure - in many cases I will go over and above, if I find enough to write about! I will never go lower than what I am paid for, however.

Two things to keep in mind:

-I don't want to have a big list of 'no's - I'll write nearly anything - but there are some topics that I will not want to write in great detail about. I will handle this on a case by case basis, but generally if you want me to write an exquisite, 1000 word description of hard vore and nothing but hard vore... yeah, no. I reserve the right to decline, as well.

-My style is based heavily around storytelling. If you commission me, you're paying for a story, not just a sex scene. To this end, please give me an idea about your characters when you include information, and please tell me what you want them to get up to, with as many details as possible! I'm writing for other people, and I hate getting that wrong! If you give me an outline, I'll give you a story.

If you like what I have up here so far, please contact me - I can do anything, sexual or non!

Send me a note and we'll start talking!

===========
CURRENT LIST:
===========

1.  fringedog: 5000 words

2.  arrowquivershaft: 5000 words

3.  murashu: 5000 words

==CLOSED==

2010 was terrible for me. 2011 was bad. 2012 was average.

I think I know where this pattern is going.

Happy new year everyone, and let's look forward to a brighter future!

Pardon to my watchers, especially for such a personal take on a first journal entry, but I just wrote this as an exercise in self-therapy and I feel some of you who know me more closely are owed an explanation, and I can't think of anyplace better to put this.

--

I've had a very rough time of it the last week, and I couldn't for the life of me tell you why.

It's been a poor Christmas, but why? Has anything happened? No. None of my relatives have died, which is a luxury that others were not afforded. No unexpected tragedies, car crashes, or anything beyond an 800$ car repair bill. I got presents - more than I was expecting. I was surrounded by stories of cheer and other people, and I was not alone. People cooked for me and showed joy at my mere presence.

I felt upset and betrayed by the actions of another, but only a few hours before Christmas itself began, they apologized for what they had done to hurt me and I forgave them and we talked, as we always did, about how we could make things better for each other. We were living examples of defying game theory, of defying selfishness, of insisting upon trying again no matter what has been said or done, of bouncing back.

I had to deal with a self-centered person who abused me in my past and still, to this day, does not understand what they have done to me or how they profoundly altered my development by their actions. I had to sit across the table from them. They were perfectly polite and quite pleasant and even engaged me in conversation and I felt bad for thinking as them as an abuser and being unable to trust them. I said nothing and nodded my head. Everything was fine.

For days after the Christmas party, I felt upset, but why? Nothing had happened. My abuser did nothing. They were far more stable than they had ever been. I had gotten a great deal of privileges that many in the world do not have, including the ability to eat what kind of food I want and freedom to move about as I pleased.

I think I know why now.

There is a wound on my heart that has not healed, that I have been denying and trying to ignore as best I can. I have insisted to others, to myself, to everyone that will listen, that I am fine and perfectly competent and that there is nothing wrong with me, and I have even believed my own delusion.

Perhaps this is because my abuser does not understand how they affected me. I was not beaten, but instead yelled at. My personal space was invaded and my sense of self worth - still developing at the time - was destroyed, all because I had dared to voice a word of dissent. Yet such things were not deliberate, they were simply an angry outlash at a world that refused to bend to their will, of which I was simply a small part.

My sister, I believe to this day, is a mild paranoid schizophreniac. It is the only thing that I can think of that would explain her actions and why she believes so many things that are impossible and untrue about her past. She believes that she too was abused, that I was assaulted, and that many of the things that she sees in movies at various times occurred to our family, often caused by our parents, particularly when she was growing up. My mother, a beleaguered woman who was far too old to be dealing with such, was having such massive disagreements with her continually that she was unaware of what my sister was doing or how we interacted, and both parties were shocked that at times I had felt so threatened by my sister's screaming, animalistic fits that I had called the police.

Even the police did not understand the wounds that had been dealt upon my heart. They tried their best, but even I told them that I was fine and that I had just wanted them to break up the fight, and so what could they do? Even then, I had practiced the art of self denial. It is no wonder I have gotten so good at it. I got started early.

I just had a long discussion with my mother about what has happened. I let the emotion that I had been bottling up for the years and years I had held this in flow forth, and in doing so I finally understood them. I understood that I had been damaged severely and that the reasons I have been unable to trust others are not due to any deficiency within me but because of the scar upon my heart that I have been ignoring. I understand now that despite the fact that I must occasionally coexist with my sister, much more stable though she is, I cannot trust her. I understand how deeply she has hurt me even if she never will.

I understand now why I make a poor friend.

I need time away to heal. More than anything, I need time away to learn how to trust again.

I'll get it very soon. For now, I must try to summon the courage to chase it and to give myself permission to heal. As strange as it sounds, that will not be easy. Convincing myself that it is not my fault will be challenging.

Yet I feel cleansed. It... feels freeing to admit that I am damaged. Not because it grants some sort of excuse to my actions or gives me the ability to ignore things I have done wrong, but because it finally opens the possibility of further growth and, perhaps, finally, an understanding of myself.

It will take time, but I think it will be worth it.