I haven't seen Zootopia yet, and I'm not likely too until I can pirate it like a heathen online. Because that's how I do.

I do however hope that, since it's become SO popular, and people are associating it with us, that those dumb 'lets kill all furrs' will finally go die in the raging pits of Hades where it fucking belongs.

Like, I get why making fun of furries is hilarious, I get it. Honestly you pretend to rub my belly or scratch my head I will play along with that sucker like there is no tomorrow. It's fun and should just be considered such, ad YES I'm a pervert and deal in 'that side' of the fandom.

But like. Killing people? That's not cool man. Even just joking about it is a really fucking shitty thing to do. :/ We have bad people in this fandom, I GET it but that is no fucking excuse to generalize and joke about killing someone for a hobby that they enjoy. You don't know that person. You don't know that life.

Be classy yo.

Hey y'all! New journal after about two years from the last one. XD Updates updates...I'm starting a nursing assist program in a couple weeks, I lost my college student status last year (not because I flunked technically but because of money and not having a job for the summer :/) so I had to move in with relatives down south. The plan is to start up a career as a cirtified nurse assistant (medical has been haunting me over my last few jobs so why the fuck not) and after working here a year I move back north. At least that's the plan. Hopefully I can manage it.

I dunno, so long as I'm helping people it'll work right?

Being down south has been a bit rough, and family isn't the...well, my cousin is awesome but my aunt is less so. And it's the bible belt so. >.< But I'm doing much better! I'd been in the worst of depressions for the past four years but now I'm finally out of it.

And I have a girlfriend! She's amazing and I love her and I have no idea how I managed to end up with her but it happened. I honestly never thought I'd find someone again after that last fiasco but she totally proved me wrong. <3 she's in Ireland though, which means there has to be some work before we can be together, but that's okay! She's serious, and I'm serious about it and I am nothing if not a patient person. I prefer things to go slow anyway.

Anyway, it's been a while but I thought I'd finally update this thing. I STILL don't know how this place works and I still feel very frustrated with it as a writer (an I still don't write furry things come on now) but ah well! I'll just ramble on here and comment for now~ Glad to see all you lovelies again!!!

New Journal, new day. I'm a single wolf again, and well I guess things might be looking up finally. Who knows? Anyway I think I'll start commissioning more Art of Faia and actually learning how the freak this site works. XD I've been getting into painting buuuuuut I still suck at art. ORZ Anyway, hopefully I can start contributing things a little better then I have been here, neh?

This is a short one but, well, I don't feel like making another long journal. Ciao~

Very few people actually pay attention to my things on here, WHICH, I do not blame you for. It's fine, I'm hardly ever on here after all and I haven't had time to add to my odd little medium of art. Though I am a furry, they don't much give me inspiration. Perhaps if I could draw...

But I'm not much of an artist. Visual stuff ain't my cup of tea, and I could never get the hang of writing for furries. Maybe someday. Ah well...

But, anyway, back to my point. No one really looks at my stuff aside from a very few, and that's okay. That's good, because I need somewhere I can go to where no one's gonna much look where I cay lay down my bs childish thoughts and whatever. I should keep a more private journal, but, eh, I like the illusion of an audience and if I only have myself to talk to it becomes less venting and more me telling myself what an ungrateful useless piece of shit I am. Yeah.

Anyway, a warning to all that follow my stuff, this is venting. Meaning ol' Sanity is gonna bitch and whine and over react over bs so don't worry too much, okay? I'll be fine. I just am a moody fuck. More than likely by this time next week I'll be chipper as a clam and high on life again. Basically.

Now that that's all out of the way...where to start...

I'm terrified of the future. What happened last summer was enough nightmare fuel for a lifetime, and I never want to end up like that again. The reality is that I just might, and I can feel myself slowly giving up more and more as each day goes by. I know I'm okay for now...but if I think too much about it I'll fall into a panic and essentually flip my shit so badly I won't be able to function. I'm already missing too much school than is healthy...I just lose my drive, is all. I'm trying to take things one day at a time, and distracting myself as much as I can so that I don't have to fret over it, because if I think too much I'll be good for utter shit. Naturally, my schooling is suffering, though I DO enjoy being here. It would be so much easier if I had work and didn't have money problems either. *sighs* I'm so fucking envious of every single kid here who has parents taking care of them at the same time. What I would not GIVE to have that sort of freedom from financial woes, to have the freedom just to fret over schoolwork. Honestly...I would give anything for that.

Getting off of THAT little bs for the moment, I think I've finally made some friends here, and lo and behold, they're furries. It was purely by chance that I managed to find the furry group on campus, and I think it might have been a good thing. That makes me happy, I feel more comfortable with them than I have with literally every other single group of people on campus to date, so at least there's that. I'm worried though, because for me connecting with people is hard, and trusting even harder. I've been burned so damn much and been so much of a burden that I don't know if I'm even capable of actual friendship anymore. I try, but I just...I dunno. I have a lack of trust in others and in myself for something like that. My view of friendship is utterly tainted I think. It sucks, but that's life. Never know when the next person'll come around to stab your back, or when you'll say or do something that fucks it up and makes a fucking rift that taints it forever. It might be a good thing though, but then again, it might not. I'm wary at the moment, but too damn tired to be all out suspicious.

My relationship with my mate is...okay. Not grate, but it is long distance. That makes things rather rough on both sides, though he's so chill I doubt he barely notices it. Though I really don't know. There are moments he says things carelessly that hurt me though I KNOW he doesn't mean any harm. He's very different from me, and I get that, so I try my hardest not to lash out at him and to understand that it's not that he's a dick but more like...he just doesn't think like I do. And I feel like such a child for getting upset over the things I do. I want him, I want to be close to him, but he doesn't seem to want the same thing, or in the same way. It's fine, it's his nature, but I just can't help but feel that he just....IT doesn't matter really, he's not HERE so. And it's not like that sort of thing has ever really been good for me anyway. No one has ever been able to give me what I need, I always have to take care of myself, especially in physical matters. I like the ACT of physical pleasure though, I like the closeness, the comfort. I just need that emotional bond. *sighs heavily* But he's just not into that so I suppose I have to deal. At least he likes cuddles. Probably for the best, all I've ever had were men who promised things they couldn't fulfill and who ended up treating me as if I was some sort of chore. I think that's what hurts the most, that I'm a chore. That I'm a bother. That I'm not even worth the curtesy and should just take care of other people and work on giving good things to myself instead of letting someone else do it for me.

Because in the end no one cares jack shit enough to give me what I need, at least in THAT aspect of my life.

Once upon a time my old room mates told me that I just did not like nice guys. And I don't. Because nice guys LIE. They give you promises and say they'll protect you and treat you right but they LIE and they don't do that at all. They treat you like trash, like you owe THEM something and demand that you take care of them. As for them protecting you? Don't make me fucking laugh. That protection is control and smothering under a careful mask of concern. I can protect myself just fucking fine thanks, I don't need some nice guy telling me what to do or what I need. So. No. I don't like nice guys. I don't need nice guys. At least the asshats don't lie about them being jackasses, and they tend to treat you better, if not in the soft comforting way nice guys pretend to do.

I suppose I'm jaded, but I'm through giving nice guys a chance. All they've ever done is treated me like a burden or a chore and fucked me up. I know there's decent guys out there, I just never seem to run into them in a lovers situation.

I don't know what to do about my mate though...or even if I should do anything. I don't think I even know what I want, and I...well, I still don't want to lose him. Though the reasons for that are still confusing to me. I don't want to cling to him either, or to be 'that' kind of girl. I really fucking do not want to be a burden anymore. It isn't so much that I'll ignore my own comfort for others, that's not good, and I know that. I'm the only one who will even BOTHER to treat myself most of the time anyway. But...I guess I'm just the sort who will still prefer to help other people than to trouble them with my problems.

Funny thing is, I still end up dong it, though no one can actually do anything for me. Heh. I'm pethetic. Maybe eventually I'll actually get to the point where I can effectively ignore my own issues in order to help someone else. Because even now they still get in the way...No matter how much I grow or how independant I become I'm still that damn little girl, and I hate it. I hate HER. I hate that weakness inside of me...I hate how I just end up balling like a baby the moment things become too painful to bare. I hate that I still cry IN FRONT OF PEOPLE when shit gets tough. As if I needed more pity in my life... No wonder people call me weak.

All I can do is try and get stronger every day, and pray to god I get work soon. Or at least that I'll find some shelter to survive the winter homeless. Hah.

No one's around to see 'em. AHAHAHA...ha. MAN I haven't been on here in forever. I've mostly been on Tumblr and school and...yeah.

Ahhh...Life...don't talk to me about life. Right now my living situation is shakey at best, again, and I'm desperately looking for a job up here. Fun stuff, no? I've been doing writing commissions now and again for some extra cash, dunno if people would actually want that over here. 'Whut? Fanfics for money? pffft, no thanks!' yeah something like that. Ah well, I"m also working on and off on a book idea because the appeal of the author has gotten to me. Apparently everyone thinks my writing is THE SHIT so yeah, sure, I'll try it.

Um, other then thaaaaat....well, there's not much other then that. I hope I can find work soon because I really do love it here and I love going to this school even more. *sighs* Here's to hoping, yeah?

Honestly I just wanted to update to get rid of that nasty ugly grumpyfuck journal entry I just did.

Ciao people.

I attempted to head on over to the club where the furry meetup was at, failed horribly at making friends and cried the rest of the way home.

I swear to god all of you furs don't consider someone offline a furry unless they have a suit. That angers me.

Suits aren't BAD really, some of them are really NICE. But this whole damn focus on JUST them makes me upset like you would not believe.

I do not have a suit.

I do not really WANT a suit. I'm not a costume kind of girl. Never have been. I'm perfectly happy with ears or hat and a tail. Especially the tail. (love the tail)

I'm sick and tired of trying to make new friends with furries and ending up failing just because no one ever thinks, hey, maybe that person who wears animal ears is actually *gasp* a furry as well! Who'd a thunk it! Someone who doesn't dress up as much is a furry too? Well now....

Okay, maybe I'm just bitter, but I swear to god I am sick and tired of it always HAPPENING.

We need meetups that focus on EVERYONE, not just suits. (Suits are FINE, once again, I'm not bashing suits) Us plain boring furrs need love too dammit!

So, I know that I never ever seem to be on here. Because...like..for a furr, I draw a LOT of humans, and write about a lot of humans. So, basically I'm not the most social wolf around.

I've just recently moved up to Baltimore, to be closer to where the action is, and to try and get my life in order. I'm going to college here, but....

...but I'm HORRIBLE at making new freindships, especially since I have trust issues the size of mnt everest. I'm so lonely here, I would love to have a friend. Sadly...I just don't feel like I can ever relate to anyone. I'm too little or too much of one thing, and no one really clicks with me.

That and I've never really had to approuch or start a friendship in my life, and it's only gotten worse as I've grown older. People come to me, not the other way around. It's an excuse I guess...but how do you start?

I also consider myself a horrible friend, thanks to my flaky nature and general moodyness.

It...hurts...being alone like this, and knowing that it's all my fault. I dunno what to do....everything always seems to happen when I need to be somewhere else.

I hate this.

ATTENTION ALL! I am here, to sing for my supper, AND....tell you of my new plan.

OH it is a plan...a very, very big plan...

Faia.....is going to soon show up in a particular series of pictures that I shall commision. My mission? Showing her in every single dance that has been known (within reason...as they should AT LEAST be recognizable to the artist) It's a big project, but I wanna do it. (as...it really isn't work on my part as I'm not DRAWING any of it since I can't draw...but whatever)

However, some dances require partiners, and I don't have a mate to fill the spot.

SO. Who wants to dance with Faia? :D Speak up! I'll dance with anybody!

And if you have suggestions for dances you wanna see Faia in, also, speak up!

And if you can think of an aspiring artist who wouldn't mind in on this project and who needs the support, also speak up!

*dances* Faia needs to get up and move! (She sleeps too much)

I've been pondering on this for a while(though because of work I haven't exactly gotten around to posting it up here) and I'm debating giving Faia a puppy version...

See, a part of me thinks it'd be kinda-sorta bad as I've...erm...issues with myself as a child. However, it could also be rather theraputic ('cause let's face it, who HASN'T felt like a little kid now and again? And not necessarily in the good way...) especially as I still feel myself going back to that crybaby I once was and, for me, adulthood kinda forced itself upon me rather suddenly...it scarred me man...scarred me bad.

That, and it'd give me an escuse to FINNALLY give Faia Hydrokenesis which is something I've been meaning to give her for a while...but it doesn't seem all that right when she's an adult. And, since I was such a little fish as a kid, (plus kinda heavy on the waterworks) it would fit.

XD I can just imagine her getting upset at someone, crying, then throwing water at 'em in a fit. Silly.

I don't know how 'into' it I'd be...just a few times when Faia's really scarred or upset her inner 'puppy' would come out...or something. *shrugs*

IN either case, Faia would need a caretaker for when she goes 'puppy' the few times she would. XD That, or she's an orphan. (it fits)

All by herseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelf, don't wanna be, all by her seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelf....la da da dee...don't know the wooooooooooords....

*ahem* Now I'm just being silly.

I also apologize to the people on here who've only met me once or twice and I...ah...seemed to come on a bit 'strong'. XD Believe it or not, I'm actually really REALLY shy...I'm just a freakin' contrary and mask that shyness with a mask of outgoingness...and when I get excited...eh heh...My fursona is a canine for a reason. ^.^;

I know I can be a bit much, but I get excited to see new people, and so I tend to do what my loving friend Ly calls 'prattling'.. I don't shut up. :P I become a bit of an attention whore (though not to extreams I hope) and..ah hell, I don't know. XD I just get to be a bit 'much.' I know when I'm getting overexcited, but I can't really stop myself unless someone is honestly bugged by it.

So, if I get to be a bit 'much' and overexcited, please tell me? I'll stop instantly, it's like, you need to set the boundries for me to follow, or else I'll go all over the place. Give the wolf a leash here.

Anyways, that's enough out of me. Holy hell that's a long journal...(I wonder who'll read it aside from the roommates?)

I need a cuddle buddie. For the times when I want myself someone I can legitimately ask for cuddles and romantic thingy's and not feel all creepylike thinking romantic thingies...or something. Erm...I needs some fluff to oogle over for when I feel the urge to have a mate, when I totally am not going to reasonably get one until I'm in my 30's...unless I'm lucky. REALLY lucky. Yeah.

That's why I like furr's, they enjoy cuddling...but I don't know any real life ones that well to feel comfortable asking them, nor do I know any close by....and I have issues trusting. XD

Gah...*goes to cuddle a plushie or something*

Oh, and I went to Tiger con today. FUNNESS.

...part of the reason being that on here I forgot my password and can only get on via Internet Explorer 'cause it memorized my password for me....and Explorder SUCKS and it won't let me CHANGE said password so I can get on here via CHROME...

But that's beside the point.

The POINT is, I need to get commissions done of Faia. Need more of my fursona pics in my life, the first being...some kind of...icon...*glares at the paintbrush cup thingy*

SO....where can I gets one? *tilts head* I'm horribly shy to ask people this sort of stuff (and while any of you feel like it, can you point me in the direction of a kool artist I can support by having 'em draw piccies of my dull grey wolf-self?)

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2635371/

Well, it could be worse....at least it's pimping for a good cause! XD