relation is up in smoke, single again, and i'm not really looking for a long term relationship. i now know only to trust people as far as my hands reach....

So with all the sad relations i have had prior, I've got a bit of a turnaround.

I'm in love.

Absolutely, positively infatuated with a young woman who I cant help but to want to make her smile all the time.

She is cute, she enjoys having conversations, she's open minded, and it makes me very upset that i couldn't have found her sooner than some of the more upsetting things in my life and career. It would have most definitely been a happier time with her around.

I'm hoping that she can get stationed here with me so that we can pursue our relationship further without marriage as of yet, because i want to know this relationship will work. I don't want to end up like most other marriages I've seen in the military where they just kind of dissolve because of deployments and such...

i've broken a few eggs, and i think i might be almost ready to make an omlette. now i just need cheese, onions, peppers mushrooms....

Well, things slightly improved.

My career field is no longer jam packed so i'm now open for reenlistment, which is a blessing since my Post-Military plans went up in flames.

even though i didn't make Staff Sergeant, i'll be able to test again next year, and hopefully i'll have my next four years locked in.

i'm currently looking into having a commission done of Sari. though looking for an artist that wont end their carreer of doing commissions right when they get to mine is going to be hard.... bad luck seems to strike whenever Sari comes into the subject.

I've had three artists that i've asked to do Sari in the last 2 years that didn't draw her, the first drew her, and then said he lost the drawing. the second, had already started on my commission, and then stopped to do other things, be it school or work, i don't know, but the end result was the same. the third just up and disappeared.

but anyways, my dad has improved a bit, he says that he is doing great, and that the dog is doing wonderful and healthy, which i am deeply relieved about.

i still have lingering questions, that i'm too afraid to ask, and even more afraid of the answers and how i would make others feel by asking them.

i'm very concerned about how some of my friends are treating my former mistress over this because of their own feelings, and i really never wished for them to go over my head and do that to someone i loved so dearly.



i wish i had the power to fix things other than a multimillion dollar jet... but.... well...i guess this is more than just one of life's big curveballs

My first journal post,

not really a big deal, not compared to everything else that has been going on in my life that i have tried to keep in to make day to day goings of my friends (and former loved ones) easier, so that they would be able to keep on living without knowing the dark things that have been happening behind the scenes of my life, but for those of you who wanted to know... it isn't going to be pretty.

In January of this year, my dad fell into alcoholism again. he subsequently went through rehab and i made a guest appearance there for his last week at the center after i returned from Korea. as we took him home i went to my next duty station at Langley Air force base.

after a month, we had an airshow at the base, and i invited my dad to come down because he loves planes, new and old. He had a blast at the airshow.

About a week later, 3 weeks before my birthday, i got a phone call from my step mother telling me that my dad had started drinking again, heavily. She had kicked him out of the house, because he had been lying to her about getting help from a counselor, skipping his appointments and instead getting drunk at home. At this time my dad was living out of his mini-van, with most of his belongings in his mini-van.

i was severely hurt by this news, and it was immediately apparent in my work at the Egress shop. My concentration was elsewhere (and in egress, lack of concentration can lead to early separation of your arms, legs or head,or even upper body) i was losing things, i couldn't think clearly, i was easily irritable, and i had no one in my shop that understood how i was feeling, or why i was dwelling on this so much. I was asked to go seek counseling and maybe even talk to the base Chaplain. i didn't go for a while because i didn't think it was too severe.... yet.

At this point, i had sparse contact with my former mistress. I told her that my dad had started drinking again, and that i wanted to come see her sometime during the summer.

I had my birthday party during the memorial day weekend, it was nice to see family again.... but it was terrible to not have my dad... or my parent's dog there who always managed to bring a smile to my face, even in the worst circumstances. i tried to enjoy the birthday as much as i could, but... while i was at home, i discovered several ammo containers, just like the ones we have in the Military. they were full of .45 caliber ammunition boxes (about 60 rounds total) for my dad's Colt .45 Commando, as well as about 48 rounds of armor piercing rounds for my Dad's WWII M1 Garand. to top it all off, i found a small box, with a small .22 caliber handgun with a loaded mag laying next to it in the box, there was enough ammunition to fill at least 2 more mags.

My brother and i did a search of the house for the missing Colt Commando, and found it in his clothing drawer, with two mags filled, and one filled in the weapon. I can start being paranoid now.

Guns + alcohol + being kicked out of your house = ?

i'll leave that to your imagination.

After the Memorial day weekend, and my birthday party, i was obviously stunned, and shocked, and depressed because of all the events, but i still had a test for Staff Sergeant to take. I took the test, and i remembered not a damn thing that i had studied for 6 months, so i didn't have any high hopes for the test.

My work habits gradually deteriorated... and people were noting that i was not looking or sounding very good, and they urged me to go seek help. again i sloughed it off.

I had a medical exam in the next week or two, and during which.. i was diagnosed with Clamidiya, which surprisingly enough, i don't know where the fuck i got it, because the last sexual relationship i was in was in May of 06. between then.. and when i returned to the states, i had a urinalysis and i didn't get notified of any infection.

so... now i had to remain celibate, to keep others from catching my infection, which i had never thought about doing with anyone other than my mistress, whom i was dedicated to so much, that i when i done with my military career, i was going to give my heart to her completely, not have half of it in the military, and half of it with her, i wanted to give it all to her.

I didn't contact my mistress about it, because she was normally busy with commissions and working on projects in second life for customers, and i didn't want to interrupt her beautiful work that i admired so much to cause her to lose her creative thought.

This would prove to be the first of my worst decisions of the coming months.

I started seeing a doctor in mid june, as well as started to see the base chaplain even though i wasn't so spiritually inclined. I was also working the shift, which conflicted with my ability to talk to my mistress, who was normally afk, or asleep when i either woke up and was getting ready to go to work, or when i came home.

the next weeks. i was having nightmares, crying myself to sleep. being late to work, and being threatened in my shop for my incompetancy to keep track of tools, keys, you name it. i was losing my mind, i was losing my concentration and my reputation.

going to the doctor and the chaplain seemed to help a bit with my family issues, which in turn, helped my work issues.. though my reputational damage was already done. i am viewed as a stupid piece of shit that couldn't do a damn thing right. I don't blame them. though the threats were a bit too extreme for what i was going through.

i had a few more weeks of nightmares and restless sleep. One night in particular sticks in my mind, the dream etched into my brain it was like one of my dreams that i had on occation. It was a vision of a time in the future, but this time. it was vivid, but i didn't know the place that i was seeing. I was standing by my car, and my stepmother drove up beside me, got out and we hugged, the words silent in my dream. a few moments later, my dad drove up, and he opened his mini-van to produce a shot gun, which he leveled out towards the two of us. After this the dream stopped and i awoke in a cold sweat and tears. i looked at the clock, and i had only been asleep for about 2 hours, and i was now unable to go back to sleep, either because of fear, or adrenaline. work that day wasn't very productive, and i was told and warned several times not to fall asleep.

after a few days, things seemed to get back to normal. i was crying myself to sleep less, and then one day i came to a realization. after my next two years of service were complete, i would have a great person to come home to, to live with, and be her pet, to love her with all my heart, and help her in every way i could.

My Mistress.

that night would shatter my dreams, and tear my heart into so much oblivion, work once again became a living hell for me.

My mistress was releasing me.. after nearly a year of love and happiness.... she was releasing me, because she doesn't know me anymore, because i didn't contact her.

Between my shift time, my work load, my loss of weekends, my loss of sleep, my seeing doctors and making appointments and awaiting the results for my test for Staff Sergeant, i neglected to leave her notes to tell her things had been going down hill.. and i was starting to not care about what happened to myself, as long as the job got done, and i could tolerate my being here where i worked for another 2 years.

i have failed at everything. I found out that my Staff Sergeant test was null and void because i neglected to take a second part of the test that i wasn't informed of. everyone is giving me shit over it. and i do mean everyone.

If i had been given a dime for every time someone had said "don't worry, things will get better" i would have had enough to support myself for the next 2 years so i could take college.

college..... i wanted to live with my mistress and take college while i stayed with her to serve her as her pet...... but now....

i'm sorry i'll continue this journal later,