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Hopeful New Year
General | Posted 9 years agoAs good a time as any to post a journal.
I haven't been posting many journals, as I don't believe people want to hear about my life or my opinions. My life, is mostly work and covered by vicious NDAs for the most boring subjects imaginable. What remains when those topics are excised, are my problems and complaints about same. Just assume I'm feeling sad or lonely and you'll be right 65% of the time, I don't need to go on about the specific trigger for a specific moment. There's always something, I seek them out, and yes I'm working on it but some habbits are hard to change. And opinions, that would just cause arguments; if I felt like discussing I'd be on Livejournal more often. Instead I listen and judge, quietly making notes about who I'd like to meet and also avoid, should the opportunity arise.
I've been working since 2012, the travel has dropped from 70% the first year to something more reasonable. I still think I should have built in wings. It's been knife-edge and "prove yourself" the whole time, and my mental and physical health have taken some shots I won't recover from. I like having something to do, and I guess I like what I'm doing. I don't like that it's willing to, and I'm actively encouraged to let it, take over my life.
Overall, 2016 was better for me than 2015. My personal problems last year were so much lower than 2015's that even with the collective outside problems everyone else got, it felt better. I'm hoping 2017 will continue to improve on this base. I'm hoping that my loved ones hang on, and I figure out this work-life balance such that I get a life. I might even draw something, but don't count on it.
I haven't been posting many journals, as I don't believe people want to hear about my life or my opinions. My life, is mostly work and covered by vicious NDAs for the most boring subjects imaginable. What remains when those topics are excised, are my problems and complaints about same. Just assume I'm feeling sad or lonely and you'll be right 65% of the time, I don't need to go on about the specific trigger for a specific moment. There's always something, I seek them out, and yes I'm working on it but some habbits are hard to change. And opinions, that would just cause arguments; if I felt like discussing I'd be on Livejournal more often. Instead I listen and judge, quietly making notes about who I'd like to meet and also avoid, should the opportunity arise.
I've been working since 2012, the travel has dropped from 70% the first year to something more reasonable. I still think I should have built in wings. It's been knife-edge and "prove yourself" the whole time, and my mental and physical health have taken some shots I won't recover from. I like having something to do, and I guess I like what I'm doing. I don't like that it's willing to, and I'm actively encouraged to let it, take over my life.
Overall, 2016 was better for me than 2015. My personal problems last year were so much lower than 2015's that even with the collective outside problems everyone else got, it felt better. I'm hoping 2017 will continue to improve on this base. I'm hoping that my loved ones hang on, and I figure out this work-life balance such that I get a life. I might even draw something, but don't count on it.
Present
General | Posted 14 years agoI'm still here.
I appreciate the comments regarding my artwork. I keep attempting an intelligent reply, and then putting it aside.
Things aren't getting better. They're closing off and shutting down. It's partially external, and it's partially a spiral trap. It costs money to go out and have fun, it costs money to fix things or buy new things to replace the broken ones, I've none coming in, so I isolate myself. Isolating myself is bad, but I really just don't feel like making the effort to gear up to a happy state and socialize. On the rare occasions when i do get a job interview, I'm still broadcasting all that. There is no simple fix, there are a few, very long, very boring, very tedious fixes and I do not hold up well under marathons when I face constant failure and setbacks. One step forward, one setback, back.
I wonder how civilians in warzones handle it. I wonder if being adrift on the ocean would be more or less relaxing. At least it would avoid the almost weekly trips I seem to have to make to some government office, for something.
The nursing home is difficult, because it seems to require constant attention to get Mum the care she needs. It's almost worse than when she was at home, because now I have to meatpuppet and manage arguing women through the institutional structure. My remaining cat was looking very sick for a week, but she seems to be doing better now.
it's all in my head. Yes, all of it. The artwork, the stories, the hopes, the dreams and the rather oppressing and discouraging reality. I'm told a lot of journals and blogs end with 'sorry I haven't been here lately, I'm going to make an effort to do more'. I'm not going to bother saying that. Consider this another derelict storefront on the pastiche of your experience. It might get better, aliens might land, don't expect either. My computer is broken, my health is broken, my life is broken. At some point I realized I was avoiding my sketchbooks MORE than I was avoiding lawyers, and bureaucracy and paperwork and standing in line, or going to a nursing home where dementia patients scream all the time.
So, closed for the time being, looters will be shot.
I appreciate the comments regarding my artwork. I keep attempting an intelligent reply, and then putting it aside.
Things aren't getting better. They're closing off and shutting down. It's partially external, and it's partially a spiral trap. It costs money to go out and have fun, it costs money to fix things or buy new things to replace the broken ones, I've none coming in, so I isolate myself. Isolating myself is bad, but I really just don't feel like making the effort to gear up to a happy state and socialize. On the rare occasions when i do get a job interview, I'm still broadcasting all that. There is no simple fix, there are a few, very long, very boring, very tedious fixes and I do not hold up well under marathons when I face constant failure and setbacks. One step forward, one setback, back.
I wonder how civilians in warzones handle it. I wonder if being adrift on the ocean would be more or less relaxing. At least it would avoid the almost weekly trips I seem to have to make to some government office, for something.
The nursing home is difficult, because it seems to require constant attention to get Mum the care she needs. It's almost worse than when she was at home, because now I have to meatpuppet and manage arguing women through the institutional structure. My remaining cat was looking very sick for a week, but she seems to be doing better now.
it's all in my head. Yes, all of it. The artwork, the stories, the hopes, the dreams and the rather oppressing and discouraging reality. I'm told a lot of journals and blogs end with 'sorry I haven't been here lately, I'm going to make an effort to do more'. I'm not going to bother saying that. Consider this another derelict storefront on the pastiche of your experience. It might get better, aliens might land, don't expect either. My computer is broken, my health is broken, my life is broken. At some point I realized I was avoiding my sketchbooks MORE than I was avoiding lawyers, and bureaucracy and paperwork and standing in line, or going to a nursing home where dementia patients scream all the time.
So, closed for the time being, looters will be shot.
I wish you'd fill this out about my artwork.
General | Posted 14 years agoCribbed from Cybercat,
I had to steal this. I was just thinking earlier about doing a similar poll! Thanks to Anime Cat, HollyAnn and Fossil ;D
PROS
01. I like when you draw: ___.
02. I wish you drew more: ___.
03. I wish you drew more fanart of: ___.
04. I wish you drew more original art of: ___.
05. I wish you drew a comic of/about: ___.
06. I wish you made a tutorial about: ___.
07. My favorite part of your work is: ___.
CONS
08. I dislike when you draw: ___.
09. I wish you drew less: ___.
10. My least favorite part of your work is: ___.
OTHER
11. If I had to describe your work I’d say: ___.
12. If I had a question to ask about your work it’d be: ___?
13. The main strength & weakness of your work is/are: ___ & ___
I had to steal this. I was just thinking earlier about doing a similar poll! Thanks to Anime Cat, HollyAnn and Fossil ;D
PROS
01. I like when you draw: ___.
02. I wish you drew more: ___.
03. I wish you drew more fanart of: ___.
04. I wish you drew more original art of: ___.
05. I wish you drew a comic of/about: ___.
06. I wish you made a tutorial about: ___.
07. My favorite part of your work is: ___.
CONS
08. I dislike when you draw: ___.
09. I wish you drew less: ___.
10. My least favorite part of your work is: ___.
OTHER
11. If I had to describe your work I’d say: ___.
12. If I had a question to ask about your work it’d be: ___?
13. The main strength & weakness of your work is/are: ___ & ___
Free Icon Day
General | Posted 14 years agoCocoa Beach, Beach Party
General | Posted 14 years agoI'm going!
If I talked to you about it, you're invited. We're going to the Faulty Towers, near Ron Jon's. We'll be there all weekend. If you don't have a contact, message me, and I'll give it to you.
If I talked to you about it, you're invited. We're going to the Faulty Towers, near Ron Jon's. We'll be there all weekend. If you don't have a contact, message me, and I'll give it to you.
Fat Bunneh Week
General | Posted 14 years agoFennecFur is drawing Fat Bunnies and I want free art. :)
So, posting the link to the journal, here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2583290/
So, posting the link to the journal, here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2583290/
Mum
General | Posted 14 years agoAn update, for those who haven't heard elsewhere.
My Mum has Alzheimer's Disease. Her condition has advanced quite drastically over the years. Last year in February, she had to have emergency surgery for diverticulitis. The anaesthetic and her hospital stay significantly impacted her mental state. She became barely able to recognize her husband, let alone anyone else, and her sentence formation and logic were fragmentary. It seemed closest to being awake whilst in a dream.
My Dad's health took a nose-dive as he attempted to care for her. His diabetes and heart condition became severe. He had an ulcer on his foot that kept growing, then two amputations and multiple infections before finally dying from intestinal bleeding in a very horrific way.
I was assisting with my father's care from March last year to his passing, and was absorbing increasing responsibility for my mother's during that time. I have had some assistance, but everything was overwhelming for me, and it has been a difficult year where I was primarily responsible for Mum.
Yesterday a bed offer came up for Mum in a Long Term Care facility. I wish and would like to imagine myself as SuperNurse, but the reality is I have passed several safety-check conditions I established at the beginning of this. I still think i could go on, but not for much longer. It's a very hard decision and I feel like a failure, despite all I've managed to accomplish. She would have been in a home much sooner if I had not fought as hard as I did, but I am very sad that I can't continue and unhappy to realize my limits.
So, it is what it is. I expect I'll endure, and the situations may turn out for the better. Nothing is set in stone, but it is perhaps written in concrete that is slowly hardening.
My Mum has Alzheimer's Disease. Her condition has advanced quite drastically over the years. Last year in February, she had to have emergency surgery for diverticulitis. The anaesthetic and her hospital stay significantly impacted her mental state. She became barely able to recognize her husband, let alone anyone else, and her sentence formation and logic were fragmentary. It seemed closest to being awake whilst in a dream.
My Dad's health took a nose-dive as he attempted to care for her. His diabetes and heart condition became severe. He had an ulcer on his foot that kept growing, then two amputations and multiple infections before finally dying from intestinal bleeding in a very horrific way.
I was assisting with my father's care from March last year to his passing, and was absorbing increasing responsibility for my mother's during that time. I have had some assistance, but everything was overwhelming for me, and it has been a difficult year where I was primarily responsible for Mum.
Yesterday a bed offer came up for Mum in a Long Term Care facility. I wish and would like to imagine myself as SuperNurse, but the reality is I have passed several safety-check conditions I established at the beginning of this. I still think i could go on, but not for much longer. It's a very hard decision and I feel like a failure, despite all I've managed to accomplish. She would have been in a home much sooner if I had not fought as hard as I did, but I am very sad that I can't continue and unhappy to realize my limits.
So, it is what it is. I expect I'll endure, and the situations may turn out for the better. Nothing is set in stone, but it is perhaps written in concrete that is slowly hardening.
Mum
General | Posted 14 years agoAn update, for those who haven't heard elsewhere.
My Mum has Alzheimer's Disease. Her condition has advanced quite drastically over the years. Last year in February, she had to have emergency surgery for diverticulitis. The anaesthetic and her hospital stay significantly impacted her mental state. She became barely able to recognize her husband, let alone anyone else, and her sentence formation and logic were fragmentary. It seemed closest to being awake whilst in a dream.
My Dad's health took a nose-dive as he attempted to care for her. His diabetes and heart condition became severe. He had an ulcer on his foot that kept growing, then two amputations and multiple infections before finally dying from intestinal bleeding in a very horrific way.
I was assisting with my father's care from March last year to his passing, and was absorbing increasing responsibility for my mother's during that time. I have had some assistance, but everything was overwhelming for me, and it has been a difficult year where I was primarily responsible for Mum.
Yesterday a bed offer came up for Mum in a Long Term Care facility. I wish and would like to imagine myself as SuperNurse, but the reality is I have passed several safety-check conditions I established at the beginning of this. I still think i could go on, but not for much longer. It's a very hard decision and I feel like a failure, despite all I've managed to accomplish. She would have been in a home much sooner if I had not fought as hard as I did, but I am very sad that I can't continue and unhappy to realize my limits.
So, it is what it is. I expect I'll endure, and the situations may turn out for the better. Nothing is set in stone, but it is perhaps written in concrete that is slowly hardening.
My Mum has Alzheimer's Disease. Her condition has advanced quite drastically over the years. Last year in February, she had to have emergency surgery for diverticulitis. The anaesthetic and her hospital stay significantly impacted her mental state. She became barely able to recognize her husband, let alone anyone else, and her sentence formation and logic were fragmentary. It seemed closest to being awake whilst in a dream.
My Dad's health took a nose-dive as he attempted to care for her. His diabetes and heart condition became severe. He had an ulcer on his foot that kept growing, then two amputations and multiple infections before finally dying from intestinal bleeding in a very horrific way.
I was assisting with my father's care from March last year to his passing, and was absorbing increasing responsibility for my mother's during that time. I have had some assistance, but everything was overwhelming for me, and it has been a difficult year where I was primarily responsible for Mum.
Yesterday a bed offer came up for Mum in a Long Term Care facility. I wish and would like to imagine myself as SuperNurse, but the reality is I have passed several safety-check conditions I established at the beginning of this. I still think i could go on, but not for much longer. It's a very hard decision and I feel like a failure, despite all I've managed to accomplish. She would have been in a home much sooner if I had not fought as hard as I did, but I am very sad that I can't continue and unhappy to realize my limits.
So, it is what it is. I expect I'll endure, and the situations may turn out for the better. Nothing is set in stone, but it is perhaps written in concrete that is slowly hardening.
Free Comic Day
General | Posted 14 years agoWell it's free comic day,
So I'm going out to get mine.
The first person to send me an acceptable one-page comic script will get theirs too. I'm leaving "acceptable" vague beyond "enough detail to draw it". I envision something between the complexity of a play or movie script, and the verbal description of a story board. Note that a little bit of text goes a long way, three hundred words of conversation doesn't leave much room for characters.
So, send in a note or as a comment. I will do one, I might do more if they interest me.
So I'm going out to get mine.
The first person to send me an acceptable one-page comic script will get theirs too. I'm leaving "acceptable" vague beyond "enough detail to draw it". I envision something between the complexity of a play or movie script, and the verbal description of a story board. Note that a little bit of text goes a long way, three hundred words of conversation doesn't leave much room for characters.
So, send in a note or as a comment. I will do one, I might do more if they interest me.
Bombay has moved on.
General | Posted 14 years agoYesterday at 6:30 PM, I euthanized my cat Bombay.
Her lung cancer hit hard, and swift. It was taking all her strength just to breathe. She had not started suffering or suffocating, but that would be coming soon.
I, a friend, and the best vet ever, who is worth driving two hours to see, had a small ceremony, prayers, petted and talked with her as she went asleep. As loud as I could at the end I yelled, "Bombay! You're a GOOD GIRL! You're the Best!"
I loved her. Now I miss her.
Her lung cancer hit hard, and swift. It was taking all her strength just to breathe. She had not started suffering or suffocating, but that would be coming soon.
I, a friend, and the best vet ever, who is worth driving two hours to see, had a small ceremony, prayers, petted and talked with her as she went asleep. As loud as I could at the end I yelled, "Bombay! You're a GOOD GIRL! You're the Best!"
I loved her. Now I miss her.
Vigil for Bombay
General | Posted 14 years agoI have two cats... for the moment.
The other one, Bombay, is very sick. I noticed her eyes looked odd a few weeks ago, and now that I think about it her energy level had been down for a couple months. It still did seem to come on very suddenly. I took her to a vet, and after a battery of tests, nothing jumped out as being really wrong.
Two weeks after that she was visibly thinner, having suddenly lost a lot of weight. I took her to another vet, my favourite in another city and left her over the weekend for a treatment of steroids.
That didn't work. Comparing the X-rays, there is a visible decline in her lungs over just 4 days. The diagnosis is lung cancer, and my kitty was just barely well enough to take home.
I begged for more time, and instructions on how to recognize breathing distress so I wouldn't be putting her in pain. I've given her a bunch of different foods, in case she wants to eat, and I'm keeping her warm and close.
The other one, Bombay, is very sick. I noticed her eyes looked odd a few weeks ago, and now that I think about it her energy level had been down for a couple months. It still did seem to come on very suddenly. I took her to a vet, and after a battery of tests, nothing jumped out as being really wrong.
Two weeks after that she was visibly thinner, having suddenly lost a lot of weight. I took her to another vet, my favourite in another city and left her over the weekend for a treatment of steroids.
That didn't work. Comparing the X-rays, there is a visible decline in her lungs over just 4 days. The diagnosis is lung cancer, and my kitty was just barely well enough to take home.
I begged for more time, and instructions on how to recognize breathing distress so I wouldn't be putting her in pain. I've given her a bunch of different foods, in case she wants to eat, and I'm keeping her warm and close.
Commission and Trade
General | Posted 15 years agoI'm rebuilding my main computer, which stopped working a month ago.
I'd like a copy of Photoshop and Illustrator, with install disks and keys, circa 2005 because my machine is old and runs XP. At least Photoshop 7, because I have a copy of PS6 but it isn't fully compatible with my Wacom tablet. Something newer than Illustrator 11.
I'm willing to trade art for it, my gallery has typical examples of what I can do. It's pretty open, a single character, multiple, or even a one page comic if you supply a script. I'd spend at least 4 hours and very likely not much more than 8.
I know I could probably bittorrent copies and get a keygen, but then I wouldn't be giving away art. Essentially I'm looking for old copies someone that aren't being used anymore.
Send me a note if you're interested.
Thanks.
I'd like a copy of Photoshop and Illustrator, with install disks and keys, circa 2005 because my machine is old and runs XP. At least Photoshop 7, because I have a copy of PS6 but it isn't fully compatible with my Wacom tablet. Something newer than Illustrator 11.
I'm willing to trade art for it, my gallery has typical examples of what I can do. It's pretty open, a single character, multiple, or even a one page comic if you supply a script. I'd spend at least 4 hours and very likely not much more than 8.
I know I could probably bittorrent copies and get a keygen, but then I wouldn't be giving away art. Essentially I'm looking for old copies someone that aren't being used anymore.
Send me a note if you're interested.
Thanks.
My Dad
General | Posted 15 years agoMy Dad died a month ago, on Sept 25th. It was pretty horrific. I didn't want to post anything at the time, because it seemed like too much begging for attention. At least, here, where I don't really know anyone well.
Things... aren't really going well. Haven't been for a while, still aren't. I looked in my sketchbook and noticed the last time I attempted drawing was Sept 22nd. I still don't feel like doing that.
And with his passing, there are complications...
If I had to describe how I feel right now, I'd say I feel I'm being forced to run on broken legs. I'm bloodied in an arena, on my knees, despair laughing and saying "Go Ahead, HIT ME AGAIN!"
And the universe, as always, delivers.
So. Yeah. There's an emergency going on. The emergency is still going on.
Things... aren't really going well. Haven't been for a while, still aren't. I looked in my sketchbook and noticed the last time I attempted drawing was Sept 22nd. I still don't feel like doing that.
And with his passing, there are complications...
If I had to describe how I feel right now, I'd say I feel I'm being forced to run on broken legs. I'm bloodied in an arena, on my knees, despair laughing and saying "Go Ahead, HIT ME AGAIN!"
And the universe, as always, delivers.
So. Yeah. There's an emergency going on. The emergency is still going on.
My Cat is missing
General | Posted 15 years agoZsofi disappeared yesterday. I've been searching, talking to neighbours, calling the animal shelter and hoping. Not sure what to think.
My Cat is missing
General | Posted 15 years agoZsofi disappeared yesterday. I've been searching, talking to neighbours, calling the animal shelter and hoping. Not sure what to think.
Update
General | Posted 15 years agoAt this point I would have to say that Everything Sucks, has sucked for two years, going on three, and looks like it will continue to suck for at least two months out. I don't see things picking up, well, for ever. Crushed, Ground down, Relentlessly, with little relief, describes it.
I don't want to talk about it. What's the point. Things. Are. Not. Good. If something changes, it'll get posted here, and if this is still up, assume it hasn't.
I don't want to talk about it. What's the point. Things. Are. Not. Good. If something changes, it'll get posted here, and if this is still up, assume it hasn't.
Take it down
General | Posted 16 years agoOrange04 has found an adult porn website selling furry art.
I recognize several works from Chuck Davies, Malcolm Earl, and Jay Naylor there. Without trying very hard. It has a lot of artists.
Orange04 has collected screenshots of the images here:
http://www.hardblush.com/wakaba/wakaba.html
Orange04 has a <a href="http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/1071953/">journal entry</a> about it.
There's a complaint link on one of those pages as well.
I've had this happen before. I don't currently have time to plow through things and look for my art. I will draw something for anyone who finds one of my pieces there. I enjoy giving my art away, but be-damned anyone that makes money off it when I can't.
Spam them with righteous fury till they get the message and it comes down.
I recognize several works from Chuck Davies, Malcolm Earl, and Jay Naylor there. Without trying very hard. It has a lot of artists.
Orange04 has collected screenshots of the images here:
http://www.hardblush.com/wakaba/wakaba.html
Orange04 has a <a href="http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/1071953/">journal entry</a> about it.
There's a complaint link on one of those pages as well.
I've had this happen before. I don't currently have time to plow through things and look for my art. I will draw something for anyone who finds one of my pieces there. I enjoy giving my art away, but be-damned anyone that makes money off it when I can't.
Spam them with righteous fury till they get the message and it comes down.
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